07x19 - That's Entertainment

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x19 - That's Entertainment

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

CARMINE: ♪ It's not unusual
to be mad with anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual to
be sad with anyone ♪

♪ But if I ever find ♪

♪ That you've
changed at any time ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ To find that I'm
in love with you ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Whoa... ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa... ♪

Well? What do you think? Huh?

I don't know.

I don't know what you're doing!

"It's Not Unusual."

It looked pretty unusual to me.

Hey, I want to
tell you something.

When I asked you
to sing a song for me

down at my second
anniversary at Cowboy Bill's,

I expected you to
sing a nice song.

Not a song where
your pants was on fire.

Whoo-whoo! Whoo-whee!

It looks like your fire
went out a long time ago.

Hey, hey.

A little joke. Ha-ha.

Where's the girls?

Oh, they had to work overtime.
I just dropped by to, uh,

borrow their record
player so I could practice.

Oh, good. Maybe you
can practice a nice song.

Hey, that's a nice
song. It's in the top ten!

Your problem is, you
think nice means old.

- What do you mean by that?
- Yeah, I take you

to a Dodger game,
all you can say is,

"Those bums couldn't lick the
shoes off the Brooklyn Dodgers."

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, what-wha... okay,
what kind of nice song

do you want me to sing?

Well, something like, uh...

♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ You saw me standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream in my heart ♪

♪ Without a love of my own ♪

♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ You knew just
what I was there for ♪

♪ You heard me
saying a prayer for ♪

♪ Someone I really
could care for ♪

♪ And then there suddenly
appeared before me ♪

♪ The only one my
arms will ever hold ♪

♪ I heard somebody whisper ♪

♪ "Please adore me" ♪

♪ And when I looked,
the moon had turned ♪

♪ To gold... ♪

♪ Bomp-ba-ba-bomp-buh-ba-ba-
bomp-buh-ba-ba-ba-bomp ♪

♪ Dang-a-dang-dang
ding-a-dong-ding ♪

♪ Blue moon, blue, blue moon ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Blue, blue, blue, blue moon ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Blue, blue, blue, blue moon ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Bomp-ba-ba-bomp-buh-ba-ba ♪

♪ Bomp-buh-ba-ba-ba-bomp ♪

♪ Dang-a-dang-dang
ding-a-dong ding ♪

♪ Blue moon ♪

♪ Now I'm no longer alone ♪

♪ I've got a dream in my heart ♪

♪ I've got a love of my own... ♪

(high-pitched harmonizing)

♪ Without a love of ♪

♪ My own. ♪

(applause)

♪ Blue moon, I saw
you standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream... ♪
See that?

Some songs from the old days.

They wrote great songs, huh?

Yeah, they didn't write
songs like, uh, "Baby, Baby."

None of that baby, baby,
with the hanky and the panky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

None of that. Here, put this on.

Look, Mr. DeFazio, I
just don't want to sound

old-fashioned, that's all.

Good entertainment
is never old-fashioned.

It's like old jokes.

I'm talking songs, not jokes.

I'm serious.

I'm just trying to make a point.

That's all I'm trying to do.

In the old days, you
had com... great comics

like Abbott and Costello.

Abbott and Costello... oh!

Who's on first?

Uh, well, for the Dodgers,
that'd be, uh, Wes Parker.

I mean, Who's on
first, What's on second,

I Don't Know's on third.

That'd be uh Parker,
Lefebvre, and Gilliam.

(laughing): Yeah...

I can't believe you don't
know "Who's on First."

- Parker's on first.
- (Frank laughs)

All right, if Parker isn't
on first, who's on first?

- That's right.
- What's right?

What's on second,
Who's on first.

That's what I'm asking you!

I can't believe you never heard

of the Abbott and Costello,
the famous baseball routine,

- "Who's on First?"
- Why didn't you tell me it was a routine?

I remember that; you
should have told me that.

What do you think
I am, a sucker?

Nah, here.

Go wipe up a table or something.

They don't know nothing.

Wait a sec.

You know, in those days,
I saw all the top comics.

Barter and Mann, the Ritz
Brothers, the Marx Brothers,

the famous... Smith and Dale

Doctor Kronkheit routine.

Did you ever see that one?

For Peter's sake!

(yelling gibberish)

Take two of those and
call me in the morning.

(man groans)

You're welcome.

Nurse? Oh, Nurse?

Do you want me, Doctor?

Not this morning, I
have a headache.

But let me take
your blood pressure.

Take anything you want, Doctor.

Hmm.

A bit low.

I'll fix that.

There.

That's a little better.

Remind me to do
that four times a day.

(bell rings)

Hark! The patient
is here, Doctor.

I will get him.

Oh, Nurse?

Would you pick that up, please?

Thank you.

Oh, Nurse?

Would you pick that up, please?

Thank you.

Remind me to do
that four times a day.

(sighs)

Boy, are these tongue
depressors depressing.

I say, boy, are these tongue
depressors depressing.

You know our policy...
First visit 15 dollars,

second visit ten dollars.

Good to see you again, Doctor.

- Ten dollars.
- Ten dollars.

I better sit down, I got
a pain in my stomach.

Where, exactly?

I can't pinpoint it.

Ouch! Doctor, how long
you been practicing medicine?

I'm still practicing.
Someday I hope to get it right.

You know you're crazy?

I'm getting out of here!

- Ten dollars.
- Ten dollars.

A pleasure!

(Frank muttering)

Nurse? Oh, nurse?

Do you want me, Doctor?

Absolutely.

It's been a very rough morning.

- (both laughing)
- That was good.

Yeah, see what I mean?
That kind of stuff is ageless.

And some of it's
even funny, too.

But, uh, what's that
got to do with me?

I'm a singer and dancer.

I wish you were a waiter!

He is a waiter.

Start waiting. Go
ahead, go ahead.

What do you want?

I want this Reuben sandwich...

And we had some of the
best singers and dancers, too.

Ginger Rogers.

Ann Miller.

Eleanor Powell.

Eleanor Powell... now
there was some dancing.

- ♪♪
- (shoes tapping rhythmically)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- (music ends)
- (applause)

CARMINE: Well, I'll admit it

that you had some good
dancers in your days.

But nowadays the
music is different,

so the people dance different.

Yeah, the music
sure is different.

It's all noise.

Sounds like men
tearing up the streets.

- (imitating jackhammer)
- Come on, Mr...

Look, look, Mr. DeFazio, look.

I know you would like
rock and roll music.

Just give it a
chance, that's all.

Did you ever hear the
Strawberry Alarm Clock,

the Vanilla Fudge,

the, uh, Electric Prunes?

(high hat tapping rhythmically)

(bass guitar joins in)

(saxophone and piano join in)

You know, there's been
a lot of flabber jabber

going around lately
about rock and roll

versus the good old
tunes of yesteryear.

But, you know, the two of us,

we've never been able to
make such distinguishments.

I like that word, Len.

Thank you very much.
I knew you would.

Nah, we always feel that it
doesn't matter what music is

or what you call it, as long
as it makes you feel good.

You know what I mean?

I know just what you mean.

Let's feel good.

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ Hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Won't you call the police ♪

♪ Quick, quick, quick ♪

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ Hurry, hurry ♪

♪ 'Cause a guy has
stolen my girl from me ♪

♪ Call the police,
hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Won't you call the police ♪

♪ Quick, quick, quick ♪

♪ Call the police,
hurry, hurry ♪

♪ 'Cause a guy has
stolen my girl from me ♪

♪ Her name was Lucy May ♪

♪ And she went out in the
garden to play one day ♪

♪ A fellow with the
hitched up pants ♪

♪ He stole my Lucy away ♪

♪ Call the police,
hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Won't you call the police ♪

♪ Quick, quick, quick ♪

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ Hurry, hurry ♪

♪ 'Cause a guy has
stolen my girl from me ♪

Now, you know, this song is
a very interesting case in point.

It's true.

It was first recorded
in October of 1941

by Nat King Cole.

Think of it, ladies
and gentlemen.

1941... why, that was 13 years

before the invention
of rock and roll.

- Isn't that amazing?
- Little Chuck Berry,

- he was only ten years old.
- Imagine that.

Squiggy gets so excited
by the scope of this thing.

I have to!

It's life, it's
history, it's great.

Take me home, boys.

A-one, two, three.

♪ Call the police ♪

♪ Hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Won't you call the police ♪

♪ Quick, quick, quick ♪

♪ Call the police,
hurry, hurry ♪


♪ 'Cause a guy has
stolen my girl from me ♪

- (gasps)
- ♪ Her name was Lucy May ♪

♪ She went out in that
garden one dreary day ♪

♪ A fellow with the
hitched-up pants ♪

♪ He stole my Lucy away ♪

♪ Aah! Call the
police, hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Won't you call the police ♪

♪ Quick, quick, quick ♪

♪ Call the police,
hurry, hurry ♪

♪ 'Cause a guy has
stolen my girl from me ♪

(band playing interlude)

(siren wailing)

♪♪

Uh...

♪ Call the police. ♪

Well, I guess every generation
has its good and bad music.

Yeah, but somehow or
other, you always seem

to like the music you
grew up with best.

Well, one thing everybody hates

is the stuff that
the parents liked.

That's right. Do you
know what my parents

- used to like?
- What?

- Opera.
- Opera?

That's right, all it ever did
for me was hurt my ears!

Especially when the
fat guy used to sing.

(sings opera in Italian)

Take it!

(singing opera in Italian)

(both singing in Italian)

(coughing)

♪ Where is my dearest Carmine? ♪

♪ Things will never be fine ♪

♪ Till he brings me the check ♪

♪ For my rent ♪

♪ If I'm a no-show
with the dough ♪

♪ Then as things go, I
know that's what left me ♪

♪ But woe ♪

Brunhilde, my sister, what
happened to your date?

♪ He had me in the back ♪

♪ Seat of his Cadillac ♪

♪ We went home to his couch ♪

♪ All at once ♪

♪ He yelled, "Ouch!" ♪

♪ I'd stepped upon his corn ♪

♪ He'd sat down on my horn ♪

- ♪ I then... ♪
- (music stops)

Brunhilde, that is
indeed a bummer, but...

♪ The evil landlord
is on his way ♪

♪ To kick us out ♪

♪ Into the street today ♪

♪ You mean because
he is displeased ♪

♪ He'll make us live among the ♪

♪ Sick and diseased ♪

Hello!

Yes, it is I, your
evil landlord,

the Baron Squigliacci.

And this is my
trusted assistant,

Leonard...

Feather.

At your service.

♪ Do you have the rent? ♪

♪ The money that you owe me? ♪

♪ We don't have the dough ♪

♪ And that is no baloney ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ♪

Well, Lenny, throw them out.

- Father!
- Father!

Mother!

♪ Mimi, my child ♪

♪ What is going on? ♪

♪ Who are these men? ♪

♪ What do they want? ♪

♪ They wish to kick
us out into the street ♪

♪ For non-payment of rent ♪

♪ Kind sirs, can this be true? ♪

♪ You bet your boots ♪

♪ I will evict you, too ♪

♪ I'll tell you what,
my turtle dove ♪

♪ I'll trade this
mortgage for your love ♪

♪ So what you're
saying is, if she agrees ♪

♪ To marry you,
then our rent is free ♪

♪ No, ma'am, what
he just stated ♪

♪ Is that the both of
you must marry us ♪

♪ Or his kind offer is negated ♪

♪ No, sir, we cannot do that ♪

♪ We surely know
that if we married you ♪

♪ The day would come
when we would rue it ♪

(sighs)

Mimi?

Sing for yourself.

In other words, butt out.

- I don't know that song.
- Learn it.

FRANK: Wait a minute.

You mean if you
marry my daughters,

you will not throw
us out into the street?

That is correct,
Mustachioed Character Actor.

♪ Marry them ♪

♪ I'm sure they're not
as bad as they look ♪

♪ Marry them so we
won't be in the street ♪

♪ Marry me, I'd love to
take advantage of you ♪

♪ Marry me, I'm
adorable and sweet ♪

Who is this clown?

♪ It is my beloved Carmine ♪

♪ Here to kick
you in the pants ♪

♪ I'm sure we
can work this out ♪

♪ If you will give
it half a chance ♪

♪ Nobody threatens
us with a w*apon ♪

♪ On guard and he
will make you dance ♪

♪ Okay, but don't say ♪

♪ I warned you ♪

♪ I'm the fencing champ ♪

♪ Of France ♪

You didn't tell me
he was the champ.

Sorry.

♪ It's so exciting ♪

♪ Look at them fighting ♪

♪ Lefting and righting
all over the stage ♪

♪ Look at them prancing,
fencing and dancing ♪

♪ No longer
advancing into old age ♪

Yoo-hoo.

(yelling)

Squigliacci's dead.

Oh, I never cared
for him much anyway.

Aw.

♪ Our love ♪

♪ Will be a rent-free love ♪

♪ No deposits ♪

♪ Landlords or cleaning fees ♪

♪ To pay ♪

♪ I know that we
will live a happy life ♪

♪ You'll make a very
fine and feathered wife ♪

♪ We'll have a child
or two or three or four ♪

♪ And when we've had our
fourth, we'll try for more ♪

♪ We hope that everyone
enjoyed the show ♪

♪ We know you heard
us in the very back row ♪

♪ As far as opera goes,
it really wasn't long ♪

♪ If so, we're sorry, but
it's time for us to go ♪

♪ We don't want to,
but we have to go ♪

♪ But we have to ♪

♪ Pull out, quit,
retire, withdraw ♪

♪ Go-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh. ♪

(music ends)

(both singing opera in Italian)

You guys are right.

Good music is good music.

Bad food is bad food.

Why didn't you
serve the sandwich

when it was still hot?!

It was hot.

It's just bad, that's all.

What do you know? Good is good.

This looks just like the food

they used to make
in the old days.

Oh-oh.

Let me tell you about
some of the great dishes

they used to spring on
us in the old yesterdays.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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