08x06 - Death Row: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

(birds chirping)

- (doorbell rings)
- (speaks indistinctly)

Hey, Laverne, you alone?

Uh-huh.

Good. I got a problem.

(speaks indistinctly)

(grunts) Okay,
what's the matter?

(sputters, laughing)

Don't-don't-don't laugh,
Laverne, don't laugh.

Oh!

What's the matter, you
need someone to butter you?

Come on, don't...

Don't-don't-don't-don't laugh.

I'll tell you
something, Laverne,

I don't know how much longer
I can sing telegrams for a living.

Look at me, a grown adult.

- (laughing): I can't look at you.
- Come on.

Don't-don't do that. Come
on. Be serious. This is serious.

You know, on the way over here,

I was att*cked by
a flock of crows.

You're I... you're laughing.
Don't laugh. Come on.

- Come on, Carmine. Come on.
- Don't do that. Don't. No.

Come on. Don't.

Take a look at yourself.
You're pretty funny.

- Is that me? (chuckles)
- Yeah. Yeah.

I never did look good in corn.

But I'll tell you, but I
got no choice, though.

This farmer hired me out
to sing "Happy Birthday"

to his 30-year-old chicken.

Really? I didn't know
chickens lived that long.

Why do you think
he's throwing a party?

Uh, well, look on the bright
side of things, Carmine,

at least you're
still singing, right?

And you're traveling and
you're meeting people.

Laverne, I'm going to
Oxnard to sing in a henhouse.

Oh, Carmine, you're
right. This job is degrading.

Even for you. I mean,
you deserve better

than that. Would you hand
me that carton on the table

- over there?
- Sure.

- But be sure to grab it...
- (shattering)

from the bottom,
Carmine, from the bottom.

Oh!

I'm sorry, Laverne. I
can't do nothing right.

My whole career's
going down the drain,

- I'm singing to some dumb chicken...
- Oh, come on,

don't cry. You're gonna
get your niblets wet.

Look, I-I'll pay for
them if you want me to.

Yeah, what are you
gonna pay for 'em with?

You make chicken feed.

No offense.

Too bad they weren't glasses.

They're giving out free
glasses at the gas station

for every fill-up.

Yeah, well, too bad I
don't even have a car,

but... but I do have an
idea, Carmine, a plan. But,

well, I'm not sure you're
gonna want to go along with it.

Laverne, you're talking
to a guy in a corn suit.

- Pride is not my middle name.
- Yeah.

Look at those legs!

LAVERNE: Believe me, Rhonda,
these disguises are perfect.

(guard snores)

Now, don't worry. Carmine
and I have done this before.

- It's a cinch.
- Then why do you want to do it again?

Because I'm desperate.
I have no other choice.

Okay.

I'm with you all the way.

I mean, and, uh, I hope we
make a big score this time

and then we don't ever
have to do this again.

Okay.

Oh, bummer, did
you hear those two?

Like, we only spent eight
months planning to rob this bank.

Now they're gonna do it and
walk off with all our money.

Don't worry, baby. They're
doing the work for us.

Robbing them's gonna be a
lot easier than robbing the bank.

Aaron, you're, like, a genius.

You're, like, the
smartest guy I know

who isn't, like,
a total Twinkie.

Next, please.

(heavy accent): Uh, my
husband and I would like

to open a new account.

- Certainly.-Ja. We just
moved here from Switzerland,

and we haven't had time
to transfer all our funds,

you know. But we would like to
open our new account with this,

- ja.
- Five dollars.

- Uh-huh.
- All in large bills.

- Ja.
- One, two, three, four, five.

If possible, we like
to have larger deposits

before we hand
over the free dishes.

(deep voice): Uh, my wife and
I, we're newlyweds, you know.

We're just starting out. We
don't have a lot of money.

You know how it is.

Oh, it's you again.

Aren't you Mrs. Cobb?

- No...
- Weren't you in here with a guy dressed

- like an ear of corn?
- Maybe not...

Look, I told you the last time.

I'm not gonna let you open
up any more new accounts

- just so you can get more dinnerware.
- Look,

this wasn't my idea, buddy.
This is your bank's gimmick.

Now, I am opening
up a new account.

I want a bowl, Springtime in
Vermont. Now hand it over.

- And the butter dish.
- (chuckles)

Sorry, you only get
a bowl if you open up

a ten-dollar account. Next,

- please.
- Yeah, well, if I had ten dollars,

then I'd buy a bowl.

Hey, maybe you could bother
someone in the loan department.

Next, please.

I would like to see the
president of this bank

because I would
like to see his face

when I pull my whole 40
bucks right out of this place.

(chuckles) Listen, call
me crazy if you like,

but I've got kind of a gut
feeling the bank is prepared

to withstand a $40 loss.

You think so?

Well, may I also remind you
that I have a dollar-a-week

Christmas Club
account here, too.

Oh, my gosh.

And you're not on the
board of directors yet?

If you promise not to
bother me anymore...

Yeah?

I'll give you a butter dish.

Okay, a soup bowl.

- Bowl.
- (crying)

Okay, we'll take
the butter dish.

- Here.
- Thank you, honey.

Yeah, well, look, they got
another branch of this bank

in Pasadena, so don't
make any plans for tomorrow.

And don't hold my hand
when I'm not wearing my hat.

Okay.

(sighs) Well, lucky for us,
they didn't rob the bank.

Yeah, luckier than you think.

This gives me an idea
on how we can do it

without getting into too
much trouble ourselves.

Oh, Aaron, you're so wonderful.

- I don't know how you do it.
- Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you take a
picture? It lasts longer.

Aw, gee, what the
heck? It's the same color.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'm... coming!

Coming!

I hate when the bread gets
stuck in your teeth. Oh...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Would you care to make
a donation to RALPH?

Uh, no, I don't know the guy.

Oh, no, RALPH's not a
person; it's a organization.

Hmm?

RALPH, Radical Action for
Love, Peace and Happiness.

Oh.

I was just wondering if
you had any spare change.

Spare change?

There ain't no such thing.

Uh, what do you think I
do? I come home at night

and take out all my money
and separate it into piles.

This is my regular change
and this is my spare change?

Guy, you're coming from
a really negative place.

Well, it may be
negative but it's mine.

Look, I-I'm sorry. I got
enough problems of my own.

That's exactly my point.

You know, the world
is full of problems.

- And... Do you live alone?
- At the moment.

That's why we go
around collecting money,

to help the needy and
the underprivileged.

Now, doesn't that
make your problems look

a little bit small?

Well, yeah, but, see, you
caught me at a real bad time.

You see, I just ironed a
tomato into my blouse.

Oh, but, you know,
in some countries,

that blouse could
feed a family of 16.

Well, here, wh-why don't
you just take the blouse here?

Here you go.

Here. Wait a second,
let me see. Look.

I got 35 cents.

Why don't you take the
quarter? But I got to keep the dime

- 'cause I got another load in the dryer.
- Oh,

thank you.

This quarter will
build a hospital.

Here, well, why don't
you take the other dime?

- Maybe you could name a wing after me.
- Oh,

- guy, you're so generous.
- Well...

I wish I could do more, but...

- Well, you can.
- What?

See, my hair's starting to frizz
up and I notice you're ironing.

- Could you just...?
- Oh, no problem!

- No problem! Just squat
down here -Oh, thank you.

- And I'll take care of it.
- Oh, great.

Guy...

Let me just wipe the
tomato off the thing here.

- You have such a big heart.
- Uh, thanks.

You know, RALPH
could use people like you.

Yeah?

And you'd like us, too.
We got a lot of cute guys.

- A lot of cute guys?
- For sure.

The only thing is, we got to
find a regular place to meet.

Yeah, well, maybe
you could meet here.

You mean it?

Uh, did you say you were
the only girl in this group?

Until now. Guy,

I knew when I saw that
"L" for "love" on your blouse

- that you are a real human being.
- Human being.

Yeah, well, it-it's
not "L" for "love."

It's "L" for "Laverne."
That's my name, Laverne.

Oh, déjà vu.

I had a cat named
Laverne, but it d*ed.

- I'm Sheba.
- Hi, Sheba.

Nice to meet you, Sheba.

- Do you smell something burning?
- No, no, nothing's burning.

There's just something
in the air. You're all done.

Okay. Okay, well, listen,
I'll see you at noon...

- at noon on Friday, okay?
- Noon on Friday. Got it.

Hey, by the way,

- that incense you're burning?
- Uh-huh?

- It's really great.
- Oh, good.

The great thing about it
is the smell stays with you.

Oh, what's it called?

Carelessness.

- I like it.
- Yeah, okay.

- Okay, fly, you're making a big mistake.
- (fly buzzing)

Big mistake.

There you go. Prepare to die.

Prepare to die.

No, I'm gonna die. (coughing)

(buzzing stops)

I got him!

I got him! Right
there. Come here.

- (doorbell rings)
- Boy, this stuff works.

Coming! Coming!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is Manny, Moe.
- Hi.

- And Jack. And Romulus.
- Hi. -Hi.

- And Remus.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Hi. You got nice hats.

Uh, hey, I smell
another boss incense.

Uh, oh, yeah. I bought it
special for company and all.

- Yeah?
- Are there any more?

Oh, yeah, this is Noah.

Hi.

- Nice person, huh?
- Yeah.

- And this is Aaron, our leader.
- Hi.

- What's happening?
- Ow.

Come on in. Uh, excuse me,

but, uh, what-what's
with the uniforms?

They enforce our solidarity.

Shows the world that
we're really fighting

for the people, right?

- (others agreeing)
- Yeah, yeah.

(à la Bill Cosby): Besides,
our blazers are at the cleaners,

hey, hey.

That's Bill Cosby!

- Yeah, yeah.
- You do Bill C... He's very funny.

Yeah, he does a
lot of impressions.

Aaron, do another
one. Oh, please?

Nah, nah. -Oh, come on.

- Come on. Aaron.
- (à la Jerry Lewis): Well, well,

I do Jerry Lewis introducing,
uh, say, like, um...

(laughs like Lewis)
Johnny Mathis.

Johnny Mathis?

Like Johnny Mathis singing.

(like Johnny Mathis):
♪ Chances are ♪

♪ Since I wear a silly grin... ♪

- (goofy laugh)
- Oh-ho, boy, that's great!

- Yeah.
- I do an impression.

I do Marlon Brando,
but not as good as you.

- Really? -Oh, do it!
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't...

- Come on, show us.
- Yeah! -Come on!

Okay, okay, okay.

(smacks lips)

(smacking lips)

That's real good.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

She's really got
merit, huh, guys?

- Yeah, yeah.
- (indistinct chatter)

- Yeah, yeah.
- No, no, you're the one

who's really good. You
know, you should be on TV.

Uh, please, no pictures.

- He's very good.
- I know.

He's also one of the great
political thinkers of our time.

- Yeah.
- LAVERNE: Really?

Okay, should we come to order?

Say, Laverne, uh,
do something for me?

Oh, you want me to do
my Eleanor Roosevelt?

(British accent): You
dealt me too many cards.

I think it's time for a
new deal, Franklin.

(chuckling)

That's real good.

- Aw...
- Took me right to the White House.

- Did it?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, go on.

Now, get a pad and pencil
and take some notes for us.

Oh, you want to
make me secretary?

Uh, well, shouldn't we have an
election or something, you know?

Oh, all those in favor
of Laverne as secretary,

- raise your hand.
- Yeah! -Yo!

Congratulations,
Madam Secretary.

Geez, maybe I should've
ran for president.

(à la Cosby): Yeah,
and you'd win, too!

- I love it when you say that.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

You did great with this one.

Now, let's talk
about the bank job.

It's time to liberate the
money from the greedy fat cats

and give it back
to the people, right?

- Right! -Yeah!
- Right on!

But what do we need
this Laverne chick for?

Oh, guy, Noah, don't
you listen to Aaron at all?

We need her for two
very good reasons.

One, she's known at the bank,
so no one's gonna get freaked

- when she comes in.
And two, - Mm-hmm.

Would you like to be the
one to carry the knapsack

with the dynamite in it?

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Anybody else?

- No! -No!
- No!

I couldn't find a
pencil, but, Sheba,

I found the neatest
pen... Look at what I got.

- You see the guy in the bathing suit?
- Uh-huh.

Watch what happens
when you go like this.

(laughing): Oh,
gross me out royal!

Oh, he's got a nice smile.

Uh, okay, sh**t.

Freeze!

LAVERNE: No, no, no, no.

You can get up.

Get up.

He's a friend.
He's just a friend.

He's not a real cop.

What are you doing
scaring 'em half to death?

I'm just trying to
have a little fun.

- It's okay. It's rubber.
- Rubber.

CARMINE: Rubber.
I got to do something

so I don't get
bored with this job.

They got me delivering
a singing telegram

- to the chief of police.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Are you ready
for this? Listen to this.

- You got time? Listen to this joke.
- W-Well...

♪ Happy birthday to our chief,
you get our highest rating ♪

♪ And we won't tell your wife ♪

♪ About the meter
maid you're dating. ♪

Who are these people?

They're my new friends.

- Your friends?
- Mm-hmm?

What, are you planning
the invasion of Burbank?

Oh...

Laverne, look at them,
take a good look at them.

They don't look a
little shady to you?

No, they're really good
people. They're sort of like

the Peace Corps,
Carmine, you know?

They do a lot of
good for people.

I don't like the way
they look. Be careful.

- Don't worry.
- Be careful, that's all.

Aaron, Aaron, come here.

Do your Johnny
Mathis impersonation.

- Look, I don't c... You do Johnny Mathis?
- Yeah.

BOTH (like Johnny
Mathis): ♪ Look at me... ♪

Hey!

That's great.

It was sort of like stereo.
Why don't you stay?

No, I'd really like to
stay, but I got to go.

While I'm still wearing
this uniform, I want to see

- if I can get some more free doughnuts.
- Oh, okay.

Try to get me a jelly doughnut.

Sorry. But didn't he
look cute like that?

- Yeah. -Yeah.
- Really, really cute.

- Okay, let's go.
- Where we going?

Burbank Trust and Loan.

Burbank Trust and
Loan? Well, that's my bank.

Yeah. We're gonna try and
make 'em give a really big donation.

Oh, good luck... I couldn't
even get a soup bowl out of 'em.

Wait a second, I
think I got a plan.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you
go put a uniform on in the van.

You got uniforms in a van?

Got a lot of surprises
in the van for you.

- Really? Great.
- Yeah.

Aaron, listen,

I'm really starting to like her.

I hope she doesn't get hurt.

Look, somebody's got
to wear the dynamite,

and it ain't gonna
be Johnny Mathis.

(like Mathis): ♪ Look at me... ♪

AARON: All right,
positions, everybody.

What does "Positions,
everybody" mean?

Well, you know, if
we're all-all in a group,

it wouldn't look too cool.

Right. We shouldn't
be in a group.

But everyone knows what
they're supposed to do.

They each open a new account,
get a free piece of dishware,

ask for a bowl...
Springtime in Vermont, right?

Springtime in Vermont.

Yeah.

Okay, you keep Laverne busy

while I switch her deposit
slip with our hold-up note.

Yo.

So, you like that
Springtime in Vermont, huh?

Yeah, it's real pretty.

Yeah, I lived up
there for a while.

You lived up in
Vermont? For how long?

Five to ten years.

Ah.

Guess you saw the
change of seasons.

I miss them out here, you know?

I missed them back there, too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay, Laverne, knock 'em dead.

Okay. Here I go.

Next?

You again?

What could you
possibly want this time?

You know what I want, so
hand it over and make it snappy.

Hey, you can't
get away with this!

Oh, yes, I can. I got
friends with me. Look.

(clerk groaning)

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

No, no, no, I don't
want this. I want bowls.

Springtime in
Vermont. The bowls.

- Aw. That's right.
- SHEBA: Hey!

That's it. They're so pretty.

- Hey.
- LAVERNE: Oh...

What's going on here?

Look, I'm doing good, huh?

You had it right the first time.

This is a stick-up!

What are you doing?

My plan's working fine.

Stuff 'em in the bag.

Would you put that
phony g*n away?!

If they stuff 'em in the
bag, they're all gonna chip.

(sighs) We want the money.

Boy, Sheba.

Aaron, Aaron, Sheba's
not following the plan.

We've got our own plan.

Now, nobody move!

- RALPH is now in control of this bank.
- (women shriek)

Look, look, these bowls
are important to me,

but let's not get crazy, okay?

We're here to
liberate the money.

The people's money.

And if anyone's thinking
about doing anything heroic,

keep in mind that this
knapsack is full of dynamite.

(Aaron laughs)

This knapsack? Dynamite?

Oh, well, that's
not part of the plan!

- (bowls clattering)
- Oh.

Here, here, here. You know me.

I'm not with them.
I just want a bowl.

I wouldn't do
anything like this.

You, the woman of a
thousand disguises?

I'm sure you planned
the whole thing.

- Oh, I did not.
- One false move by anybody,

and I press this detonator.

Detonator? You got a detonator?

Would he do that?

- Ka-boom.
- Oh.

Noah, Noah, you
knew all about this?

After all those
kisses in the van?

We're here to liberate the
money and free the people.

- Right on!
- (overlapping shouting)

- (whooping)
- One idea.

Why not free me first?

Just what do you
people think you're doing?

Making a withdrawal.

And if you don't
want to get hurt,

just shut up and do as we say.

Well, you know you'll
never get away with this.

We are getting away
with it, so shut up, huh?

- (people murmuring)
- Here, listen, please.

They got, uh, dynamite
here in this sack.

They're gonna blow it up,
and I'm gonna go sky-high.

All of us.

Listen, I happen to think
that they are bluffing,

and I am willing
to take the chance.

Oh, you're willing
to take the chance?

Then why don't you wear
the dynamite, Mr. Big sh*t?

Hey, quiet, all of you, come on!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Sheba, Sheba,
what's going on here?

I thought you were my friend.

I am, and I want you to
know I can't thank you enough.

Oh, now, look, come
on, you don't need me.

Noah makes a
heck of a secretary.

Oh, no way.

All for one, and one for all.

Well, the least you could do

is leave my 40 bucks
in the bank, you know.

(siren blaring)

Yay! We're saved!

You want to get sh*t
before you get blown up?

No, I'll wait, thank you.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Freeze!

Drop 'em. Nice and easy.

Easy.

Hey, hold it, man. That lady's
got dynamite on her back.

I'll blow this bank to Tijuana
if you take one more step.

- MAN: Mm-hmm.
- No stepping, no more stepping, please.

Okay, now, I say
we count to ten.

If they don't
surrender, we rush 'em.

- One...
- Didn't you hear him?

- Two!
- What's the matter with you?

- Three!
- What...?

- Hey, man, it's your life.
- Four!

Five!

Six! Seven!

Eight!

Nine!

Think fast!

- I got it! I got it!
- Pat down that girl!

- No, no, man!
- There. Get him. Get him.

I wasn't nowhere near
the scene of the crime.

You don't understand.

Here. Here's the
detonator. There you go.

Take 'em away. I had
nothing to do with it.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my lungs are pounding.

What-What are you do...?

No, no, no, I'm not with him.

I just came here to get a bowl.

Wait a second. You're
making a mistake.

Lady, you made the mistake.

I...

We're here from the penitentiary
to pick up Smith and Jones.

- Smith and Jones, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Better be careful.
Those two are K*llers.

Don't worry. Death Row has
a way of calming 'em down.

And they're supposed to be
ex*cuted the day after tomorrow.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

Don't have to push!

You can shackle our
bodies, but our spirits are free!

Would you give it a rest?

D-Don't you understand
that this is for real?

These are real handcuffs,
these are real cops,

these are real g*ns.

Give me that!

Wait here.

Oh, gee, how did I
get involved in this?

All I wanted to do was
get a free soup bowl.

I didn't do nothing.

Look, just relax.

- I've been through this before.
- Yeah?

You just give 'em a phony name,

and my lawyer will get
us out of this in no time.

All right, settle down
and call out your names.

Smith.

Uh, uh, Jones. Huh?

So, you're Smith and Jones.

You don't look so tough to me.

Let's see how tough you
are after you spend your first,

last and only night
on Death Row.

Excuse me, what do you...?

What-what do you
mean, "Death Row?"

Death, as in no longer living.

Row, as in "Row,
row, row your boat."

ANNOUNCER: Next
on Laverne & Shirley...

I mean, I really
wanted to help people,

and I wind up
robbing a bank. Aw.

Take it easy.

What if she's hurt?
What if she's in a hospital?

What if she's with a guy?

Then she'd better wish

she was in that hospital.

You got to get to my pop.

Tell him there's been a mistake,
he's got to get me out of here.

The only way you
get to use the phone

is if the governor
wants to save your life.

Does that mean I'm
gonna die at dawn?

Midnight.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪