08x07 - Death Row: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

ANNOUNCER: Last,
on Laverne & Shirley:

Look, I told you the last
time, I'm not gonna let you

open up any more new accounts

just so you can get
more dinnerware.

Look, this wasn't
my idea, buddy.

This is your bank's gimmick.

They're doing the work for
us. Robbing them's gonna

be a lot easier than
robbing the bank.

Aaron, you're like a genius.

You're, like, the
smartest guy I know

who isn't, like,
a total Twinkie.

- Ralph could use people like you.
- Yeah?

The only thing is, we got to
find a regular place to meet.

Yeah, well, maybe
you could meet here.

All those in favor of Laverne
as secretary, raise their hand.

- Yeah. -Yo.

Congratulations,
Madam Secretary.

- Okay, let's go.
- Where are we going?

- Burbank Trust and Loan.
- Burbank Trust and Loan?!

Well, that's my bank.

Yeah, we're gonna
try and make them

give a really big donation.

Oh, good luck, I couldn't even
get a soup bowl out of them.

Hey, you can't
get away with this.

Oh, yes I can.

I got friends with me... look.

Oh.

What are you do...? No,
no, no, I don't want this.

I want bowls.

What's going on here?

Look, I'm doing good, huh?

You had it right the first
time. This is a stickup.

Freeze!

We're here from the penitentiary

to pick up Smith and Jones.

Better be careful,
those two are K*llers.

Death row has a way
of calming them down.

And they're supposed to be
ex*cuted the day after tomorrow.

- I been through this before.
- Yeah?

You just give them a phony name,

and my lawyer will get
us out of this in no time.

All right, settle down
and call out your names.

Smith.

Uh, Jones.

So you're Smith and Jones, huh?

You don't look so tough to me.

Let's see how tough you are

after you spend
your first, last,

and only night on death row.

LAVERNE: How many
times do I have to tell you?

You have the wrong
person... I'm not Jones.

- (inmates whoop, call out)
- WOMAN: Lookie here.

Shut up and keep moving.

I'll take the big one.

She looks just like this lady I
used to know on Knapp Street

who used to eat bugs. We
used to call her Bugface.

What'd you call me?

- She called you Bugface.
- I...

Come a little closer and say it.

No, I didn't call you Bugface,
I said you reminded me

of a Bugface I once knew.

- You called me Bugface!
- No, I didn't, I didn't.

Come on.

Guy, Laverne, that's
no way to make friends.

Hey, you shut up.

You, I am not talking
to. This is all your fault.

Look, I didn't do nothing,

and ever since I've been here
they've been pushing me around,

they made me
take my clothes off,

and then they hosed
me down with something,

and then they looked for things
in places I never hid nothin'.

Move it!

All right, short
stuff, you're in here.

Ew, bummer, right
next to Bugface.

What could be worse?

Being in the same cell with her.

Bingo.

Oh no, no, please,
please, please, please,

don't put me in there with her.
She thinks I called her Bugface,

- She's gonna k*ll me.
- (guard sighs)

Just act tougher
than her, you'll be fine.

Hi, there.

Well, back in the
old slammer again.

Ah, home, sweet home.

In this joint, I'm the boss.

You want to move,

you want to sleep,

you want to eat...

you got to check with me first.

I'd k*ll for a Twinkie.

RHONDA: Hi-ho, movie fans.

It's time to go to
the world premiere

of the new James Bond film.

- Laverne?
- Yo, Laverne?

Laverne?

The picture is You
Only Live Twice

but we only get to go
to the premiere once.

I know she wouldn't
leave without me.

Laverne likes to go to these
premieres with somebody

so she can climb on
them and get a better view.

(laughs)

Uh, Laverne, do me a favor,

don't wear those
spiked heels again.

Ow. I'm gonna go hurry her up.

Oh, Carmine,

I hope Sean Connery notices me.

Uh, Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda,

I-I think you would do better
if you turned the t-shirt around.

I tried that, but, um,

you can't read the phone number.

Tell Laverne she's got
double-oh-seven seconds

to get down here.

I'll turn the TV on,
maybe there's something

about the premiere on the news.

ANNOUNCER: And coming
up on the news at 6:00,

a live report from the crowd
at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

- Wow, look at that mob.
- Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: And details
of the governor's denial

of an 11th-hour appeal

for convicted K*llers
Smith and Jones.

Good. That'll be two
less people there.

I guess she's gone on ahead.

Come on, Carmine, let's
try to catch up with her.

Yeah, we better hurry
up before Laverne

climbs on somebody
she don't know.

(sultry laugh) It
won't be the first time.

GUARD: Everybody out.

Have a nice night, Jones?

Yeah, I'm sure Jones had a
very nice night wherever she is,

but I was here. These
are uncomfortable.

Not any longer.

Great, I'm getting
out of here. Oh, boy.

Shut up, I'm just moving
you to another cell.

We got complaints
from one of the inmates.

Complaints?

What could I do? You snore.

Let's go.

Oh, wow, Laverne, we're gonna
be together right to the very end.

I'm not going in
there with Sheba.

I am mad at her. Do
you understand that?

Please, give me another chance.

If I snore tonight, you could
put a pillow over my face, okay?

And then you won't hear it?

I'm sorry, that's how I
got here to begin with.

My first husband, may he
rest in peace, used to snore.

Oh, I see.

In. Close 'em up!

Why did I ever listen to you?

I thought that hotshot
lawyer of yours

was gonna get us out of here.

I'm sorry.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Maybe there is. Come here.

Come here, come here.

Now take a deep breath.

- Okay, now get your feet through there.
- Oh, my God...

Squeeze through there.
You can get through.

Laverne, Laverne, the only
way I'm gonna get through here

is if I put lip gloss
on my thighs.

Okay, come back in,
little Sheba, come on.

Okay, now don't
eat anything, okay?

And we'll try it again tomorrow.

I can't believe it.

I can't get a break.

Really, I didn't mean
for it to turn out like this.

No. You wanted me to
get blown up in the bank.

We could be
martyrs for the cause.

(imitating Sheba): We could
be martyrs for the cause.

We're in here for whatever
Smith and Jones did.

We're not even in here
for your stupid cause.

It's not stupid.

Guy, you sound just like my mom.

"Sylvia, you're not
the center of the world.

Eat your soup."

Excuse me... Sylvia?

Did you say Sylvia?

Oh, guy, all right.

My real name is Sylvia Berman.

I'm from Encino, or at
least I was from Encino.

I don't know who I
am anymore. (sobs)

Aw, come on, Sylvia.

Take it easy. Don't cry.

Oh, guy.

I mean, I really
wanted to help people,

and I wind up robbing a bank.

I mean, all I want to do is
hang out at Neenie's beach

and drink cherry
Cokes, and catch a wave.

I wouldn't even mind
sand in my hot dog.

Take it easy, Sylvia, you
got a great set of values there.

I got to get out of here.

Okay...

(dull, rapid vibration)

Clank, clank, clank, clank!

Guard!

Clank, clank,
clank, clank, clank!

Hey, what is all
the racket, Jones?

Okay, now, I think
I can prove to you

that I do not belong in here.

Now, I watch Perry
Mason and The Defenders.

And I-I know I am entitled
to at least one phone call.

Jones, you had your
phone call a long time ago.

The only way you
get to use the phone

is if the governor
wants to save your life.

Does that mean I'm
gonna die at dawn?

Midnight.

See you tonight, Jonesie.

INMATES: ♪ One,
two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! ♪

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated, ♪

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

Schlemiel... Up
and down, that's it.

See, wasn't that fun?

What do you want to do now, huh?

Me? I'm going to go
live the rest of my life.

You're a barrel
of laughs, Jones,

I'm really gonna miss you.

Oh, well...

I know what would be fun.
You want to braid my hair?

Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

Nothing's changed;
I'm still mad at you.

You're still bummed
out, aren't you?

Oh, no, no.

Why should I be bummed
out just because today's

the last day of
the rest of my life.

Guy, Laverne, what's the future?

Atomic warfare,
sores that won't heal,

your hair falling out,
barfing all the time.

What are you talking about?

I had a plan for the future.

I'd meet this really cute guy,

he'd fall crazy nuts
in love with me.

We'd be watching TV in our den.

He'd look me right
in the eyes and say,

"Honey, can I get you a beer?"

(Flo cries)

Oh, that's beautiful.

Aw, geez.

You might as well kiss that
dream goodbye, Laverne.

I mean, this isn't
exactly the place

that you're gonna meet
Mr. Right or Prince Charming.

Hello.

Hi.

- Aw, hey.
- Aw, look at 'em.

- Hi, Flo, how are you?
- Good to see you.

Oh, my, you look lovely today.

Oh, it's something
I just threw on.

- Well, you almost missed.
- (Lenny guffaws)

Oh, I love her. She's a card.

Lenny! Squiggy!

Laverne!

Well, hit me with
a ball and chain.

Laverne, I knew you were
desperate to meet men,

but you're supposed to meet
them in bars, not behind bars.

- Guys, I'm so happy to see you!
- Hey.

(smooching)

Oh, really, I can't
believe it! I can't...

Didn't I tell you
she kisses good?

- Yeah.
- She...

- Oh. Oh, guys, listen.
- What?

- You got to help me.
- Mm-hmm.

You got to get to my pop,
tell him there's been a mistake.

He's got to get me out of here.

(Squiggy hums distractedly)

Uh, I don't know, Laverne.

We... we try never to
meddle in family affairs.

Aw! Since when?

Well, we... see, we're
turning over a new leaf.

You see, Laverne, there's
nothing I would like better

than to tell your old
man you're on death row.

So...?

Well, it's not you

I'm worried about.

LAVERNE: What?

It's me I'm worried about.

- LAVERNE: Squigg?
- Yeah.

Both of you.

- Take a good look at me.
- Uh-huh.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Now, which side
of the bars am I on?

- Oh, that's a tough one.
- Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait...

- Left side.
- The left s...

- The north side.
- No, not the north side.

- Yeah, the west side.
- Are we going...?

- I'm on the inside!
- Oh.

All right, that was
our third guess.

Our third guess. You're right.

Okay, now, why won't
you tell my pop? Come on.

Well...

Oh, well, because
you know your pop.

Let's face facts.
He does not like me.

- Oh, he does like you.
- He... Oh,

to you, he's a big teddy bear,

but to me, he's a...
he's a tornado of a man!

What are you talking about?

He'd get angry if I
gave him such news.

He would get red in the face.

Then he'd grab my head like
this, he'd shake me up and down.

He'd squeeze my brain.

- LAVERNE: Oh...
- He'd put me in one of his headlocks,

bang me against the wall,
bang me against the wall!

And he'd just drop me
like an old sack of potatoes.

Then he'd mumble something

that I couldn't understand
in any language, anyway.

You see, it's this
senseless v*olence

we're trying to do
something about, Laverne.

- Okay, okay.
- You should know this, Laverne...

What if you don't
have to talk to him?

What if I write him a note?

You could give it to him, huh?

Mm... I wouldn't touch that
note with a ten foot pole.

But I could take it.
I'm only a six-foot pole.

Okay. Okay, good, good.

Great, great. Wait right
here. Sheba? Sheba?

Come here. Don't
let them get away.

- Ah, ah.
- Ah, hi, there.

- Hi.
- How you doing, Slim?

- You're new in jail, huh?
- SHEBA: Yeah.

Say, uh, could I interest
you in a, uh, candy bar, huh?

- Uh-uh.
- Huh? They're fresh.

No? How about, uh, nylons?

All the women are wearing 'em.

- No.
- SQUIGGY: No? No. Well,

then, maybe it's
some reading material

you would like to have.

Uh, how about a good magazine?

You got a Cosmo?

No, but we got a
Topper. It's in here...

Okay, get out of here.
Okay, here's the note.

Here's the...

Now, please, give it to
my pop and make it fast.

Fast? What's the rush?
You ain't going nowhere.

(laughter)

- Please. Please.
- Prison humor, prison humor.

- Okay, okay, hurry up. Hurry up.
- All right. -Hey, hey, uh...

I think we ought
to tell Mr. DeFazio

about this face-to-face.

You know, Laverne
might really be in trouble.

Oh, come on, Len. This
is no time to play hero.

I say, let's just put
a stamp on that note,

drop it in a mailbox and
let him b*at up the mailman.

- Great. Great.
- Mm-hmm. All right.

Let's go down to
solitary confinement

and see if they want to
hear a little serenading, huh?

All right.

- Hey, Lenny and Squiggy?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, you guys seen Laverne?

- No, no, no, no. No.
- No. No. No, no Laverne, no.

Listen, I think she's missing.

We've been looking
for her everywhere.

Poor Mr. DeFazio is
worried sick about her.

- SQUIGGY: Huh.
- Thinks she might be in trouble.

Laverne in trouble?

- Little Laverne in trouble?
- (laughter)

What makes you think she'd
be in trouble, and what makes...?

Uh, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

You guys know something
you ain't telling me?

We're-we're like those,
uh... those monkeys you see

on the knickknack shelf at
the swap meets, you know?

Yeah.

See no evil, speak
no evil, smell no evil.

- Aw, let's tell him.
- All right.

Okay.
- Hey, Carmine, can you keep a secret?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might be able to. All right.

Well, me and Lenny...
We was making the rounds

of the ladies' prison,
like we usually do.

CARMINE: Yeah?

Oh, by the way, remember
that time you went with us?

- The chunky girl still asks after you.
- Mm, yeah.

I told you never to
mention that night.

Locking.

Okay, now, what about Laverne?

- What about Laverne?
- Oh, Laverne.

Oh, yes, well,
anyway, like I said,

we was at the ladies' prison,

and we-we were walking
down through death row.

Well, lo and behold,
who do we see?

- You saw Laverne?
- LENNY: Wearing...

SQUIGGY: -Shh! Quiet! Quiet!
- You saw Laverne?!

CARMINE: Why didn't you
tell me you saw Laverne?

We need you quiet!

If Mr. DeFazio knew,
this would k*ll him!

If I knew what?

If you knew... If you knew...

SQUIGGY & LENNY: Nothing!

Nothing like being
rendered senseless

for the rest of your days.

You're right. You're
right. Enough now!

What a horrible life...

(overlapping chatter,
Frank shouts and mutters)

Oh!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- (Lenny gibbering)

Command ho! In there!

(overlapping chatter, clamoring)

(banging)

LENNY: Threw in
something at the zone.

- Ripping his nose off. Oh!
- (Frank mutters, yells)

Your blood pressure...
Take it easy.

All right, I'll tell you!

But only because you
didn't disappoint Lenny.

Took my breath away.

Sure, we saw Laverne.

She was on death row.

Why didn't you
tell me this sooner?

Well, look what happened to
me when I told it to you later.

- (Frank groans)
- SQUIGGY: Hey!

That's just the kind
of senseless v*olence

we've been hoping to avoid.

Take it easy, will you?

I'll go to the prison. I want
to get a hold of Laverne.

I'll get her out of there...

You know, sometimes I wonder

if you guys know the difference
between right and wrong.

- (Squiggy laughs)
- Ha! Ha! That's easy.

We know right and wrong.
- SQUIGGY: Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's left and wrong
that has me in a tizzy.

LAVERNE: Look. Look there.

Look at that big limousine.

Maybe that's the governor
coming to save us.

Laverne, that's not a
limousine. It's a hearse.

Oh.

Well, where's my pop?

- I don't understand this.
- Jones!

Is there a phone call for me?

Yeah, and it's long distance.

- LAVERNE: Huh?
- Very long distance.

The man upstairs.

Tell him I'll call him back.

Oh. Come on, you chicken.

- Let's go.
- Don't call me a chicken!

Here, why don't
you take her first?

Come on, get out
from under that pillow.

It's in alphabetical order.

Jones comes before Smith.

Oh, very clever.

Steady, my child.

I'm Father O'Malley,

and I'm here to help
you along your journey.

Forgive me, Father,
but I have not sinned.

I'm innocent.

You got to do
something about this.

I will. You are hereby
absolved of that lie

and any other lie you
was about to tell me.

Oh, please, Father.

If you don't believe me,

the least you could
do is walk slower.

Child, in times of trouble,

there is always one thing
you should keep in mind.

What's that?

♪ You're going to a place ♪

♪ Where there'll
be no more cryin' ♪

♪ Oh, no more cryin', mm-hmm ♪

♪ And you're goin' to a place ♪

♪ Where there'll
be no more dyin' ♪

♪ No more dyin' ♪

WOMAN: Yeah.

All your heartaches
will be over.

Yes, they will.

♪ You're goin' to a place
where you can sit down... ♪

I don't want to sit down!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey! ♪

♪ This old world ♪

- ♪ Can't offer you nothin' ♪
- ♪ No, no ♪

- ♪ But pain ♪
- ♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Yes, it will ♪

♪ And this old world ♪

♪ Can't offer you
shelter from the rain ♪

♪ All of your
heartaches will be over ♪

- ♪ Over... ♪
- ♪ When you get there ♪

♪ You're goin' to a place
where you can sit down ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Sing it, family, yeah ♪

- ♪ You're goin' to a place ♪
- ♪ To a place ♪

- ♪ Where there'll be ♪
- ♪ Where there'll be ♪

- ♪ No more cryin' ♪
- ♪ No more cryin' ♪

♪ You're goin' to a place ♪

- ♪ To a place ♪
- ♪ Where there'll be ♪

♪ Where there'll be ♪

♪ No more dyin' ♪

♪ No more dyin' ♪

♪ All of my heartaches
will be over ♪

- ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Yeah, they will ♪

♪ You're goin' to a place ♪

♪ Where I can sit down... ♪

Yeah!

♪ I'm goin' to a place ♪

♪ Where there'll
be no more cryin' ♪

♪ We're goin' to a place ♪

♪ Where there'll
be no more dyin' ♪

♪ All of my... ♪

(screeching): ♪ Heartaches ♪

♪ Will be over ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will... ♪

You feeling it now,
daughter! You're feeling it!

♪ Ooh... ah ♪

♪ You're goin' to a place
where you can sit down ♪

O'MALLEY: Hey, hey.

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Where I can sit down! ♪

Well, thank you, Father.

That made it a lot easier.

I'm glad to hear that.

Most folks be
kickin' and screaming

going down that last mile.

Yeah. Last mile?!
Please, don't make me go!

Please, please, let
me back in! No! No!

But you don't understand.
Got to just stick where you goin'.

- You're embarrassing me!
- No, right? -Please, no.

No, Father, please!

No, it's all right.
You'll be all... (laughs)

- Father?
- It'll be all...

Stop everything!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

I brought a judge.

He's a judge.

He's got something to say.

Tell 'em.

I've checked into
this case, and, uh,

I'm not convinced that
this is who you think it is.

Now, why don't we just run a
fingerprint check to make sure?

- Oh. Oh, Pop...
- FRANK: See?

I knew you'd come.

Oh, now, hold it, Jones.

You're not getting
off that easy.

I'm gonna run that
fingerprint check myself.

Your kind has to be
wanted for something.

Come on, Father.

I think I'd better go with you.

Don't worry, my dear. Frank.

LAVERNE: Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Pop... Pop, where
did you find the judge?

I met him down at the
Knights of Columbus.

How do you think I
got that loading zone?

Oh, Pop, I love you.

I love you too, honey. (kisses)

(growls affectionately) Baby.

Laverne?

- (Frank laughs)
- SHEBA: Laverne?

Yeah?

Laverne, can you do me a favor?

Sure.

Would you call Herman
Berman in Encino,

and tell him his little
Sylvia's in the slammer?

Sure.

- See ya... Sylvia.
- Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye. -Come on.

- Bye, k*ller.
- Bye! Bye!

Bye, everybody!

ALL: Bye!

♪ I'm goin' to a place
where I can sit down ♪

INMATES: ♪ You can sit down ♪

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Where you can sit down ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Where you can sit down. ♪

SQUIGGY (sobbing): Oh, Laverne!

She's now at her
moment of death.

They scared me!

I really don't feel right eating
her food like this, Squigg.

I mean, with her being
dead and everything.

- (both sobbing)
- Oh, Lenny.

Well, look at it this way.

If we eat it fast, it won't
go bad before she does.

(both sobbing)

I don't know.

We better get a move on, though.

These blueberries have
gotten all green with mold.

No, no, no, no,
those ain't blueberries.

Those is... peas.

She loved peas.

Peas.

May she rest in "peas."

(both sobbing)

Come on, come on, it's been
a rough day for everybody.

Come on, let's put her to bed.

Oh, my God, they
brought her home!

Boy, even at a restaurant,

they give you a
box if you take it out.

Come on! Let's put
her to bed! Let's go!

Um, excu... she'll keep
better in the refrigerator.

Could you stop with that?

Carmine, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Laverne.

LAVERNE: Oh, did
you carry me from

- the car?
- Uh-huh.

You're everything that
chunky girl said you were.

So Laverne's alive.

This changes everything.

You ain't kidding.

She's gonna put up a
hell of a fight at that funeral.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪