08x08 - Jinxed

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.

Why do I keep getting mail
for the guy across the street?

I don't understand it.

Here's one for me, though.

"Dear Laverne, this chain
letter is sent by one who cares.

"Those who answer
will have riches to spare.

"If you ignore this
and break the chain,

bad luck will follow
you around like rain."

I hate these things.

I hate them with a passion.

"Send it to your closest friends

and then mail back,
and you get nothing."

I'll just file this
under "Important."

Hi-ho.

- It's Rhonda!
- Rhonda, gee whiz!

- Look at you! Oh, gosh, hey!
- (laughing): Whoo!

This dress is going
to get me discovered.

Yeah, that dress is
going to get you arrested.

- It's beautiful, though.
- Ooh!

What's the occasion?

Oh, this dress is
for Monty Shore,

the very, very, very
famous producer

who's coming to Cowboy Bill's
on Friday night to hear me sing.

- Oh, how nice.
- I've invited my closest friends, Laverne.

You are coming, aren't you?

- Me?
- You.

Oh, uh, Friday,
Friday night, Rhonda.

Oh, gee, I can't.

You see, I was gonna stay
home and do my laundry that night.

Laverne, those
clothes are clean.

Yeah, well, see, I was gonna
wear them during the week,

and then by Friday
they'll be dirty, and then

I have to go back and do
another laundry, you know?

Oh, please, Laverne?

This is so important to me.

I'll come hear you sing

if you fix me up with
that cute race car driver.

(laughs) You got
yourself a race car driver.

- You got yourself an audience.
- Oh, great!

Um, could you possibly bring
some friends from work with you?

I really need to make
sure that place is packed.

Uh, well, Rhonda, I work
with space engineers.

Well, well, you know,
their idea of a fun time

is taking a seven-course meal

and sticking it into
a four-inch tube.

Sort of like what they did
with that dress and you.

Oh, no. Laverne...

what about Chuck? Now,
he seemed like a fun guy.

Oh, Chuck the nut?

- Chuck the nut! Yeah.
- Oh, please.

- Nah, you don't want him there.
- Oh, I do.

Oh, come on, Laverne,
let's call him right now.

- Well, Rhonda, I...
- (gasps)

(Rhonda squealing)

(Rhonda continues squealing)

Rhonda! I...

Wha...? Laverne, look what
you've done with my dress.

- You've ruined it.
- Well, I'll fix it.

Gee, Rhonda, the stuff you wear!

Oh!

Come here, come
here and I'll fix it, okay?

Well, just look at this,
look at this, Laverne. I...

I have never had...

- What are you doing?
- Fixing it.

I've never had my
dress ripped this early

in the afternoon before.

Yeah, well, there's a
first time for everything.

- There, look, it's perfect.
- Oh, Laverne,

I'm just going to have
to go get this fixed.

I feel real bad
about that, Rhonda.

Look, you know what I'll do?

I'll go over there to
Chuck's place personally

and invite him for you, okay?

Oh, that's great,
Laverne. Thanks.

But I'm gonna have to take
this to the seamstress right now.

- Well...
- You know how important it is for me

- to look good on Friday night.
- Well, even with your dress

like that, you look
like a million bucks.

Oh, thanks.

Except you should really
wear your pearls out.

Laverne!

- (Rhonda gasping)
- Well, I'll get them...

CHUCK: Laverne!
You're in my apartment!

You've never been in
my apartment before.

Oh, Chuck, you lucky dog, you,

look at the view you've
got... It's beautiful!

I don't know, Laverne.

It's not that great. I mean,
the same thing every day.

That's why I use
my... my telescope.

See, I'm trying to find
another new planet.

If I do, I think
I'll call it Chuck.

Chuck, come on, I told
you we were just friends.

Cut it out, huh?

(laughing): Laverne,
that's-that's my dog, Willie.

- Oh.
- Willie, say hi to Laverne, Willie.

Hi. Hi, Willie.

- Want to see him do a trick?
- Uh, well, do I have a choice?

- He's real good at this, Laverne.
- Oh.

Willie! Want to
do a trick, Willie?

Okay, Willie, go
get the ball, Willie!

Come on! Bring it back!

Come on, Willie, bring it back!

- Aw, that's very good.
- Pretty good, huh?

- Very good.
- He's pretty smart.

- Yeah.
- You know what, only this trick

took him three days to learn.

I've been trying to teach
the same thing to my mice.

Three months; they just can't
seem to get the ball back. I...

You can try one if
you'd like, Laverne.

Well, it's got doggy
drool all over it.

- Uh, never mind, uh, maybe another time.
- Okay.

Hey, Willie! (whistles)

- See the ball?
- Willie. Look at the ball.

Watch this, Willie. Go get it!

Willie, go get it in there.

- Good doggy.
- Aw. Well, uh, Chuck,

what I really came here for

was to ask you if you wanted
to come hear Rhonda sing

at Cowboy Bill's Friday
night. What do you say?

Laverne...

nobody's ever asked me
on a date before, Laverne.

Uh, well, uh...

you can keep your record intact
there, Chuck; this isn't a date.

It's like a bunch of friends
gonna be there for her,

you know, to support her
and applaud for her, you know?

I don't know about
that kind of stuff.

Oh, come on, Chuck, please?

Nothing's gone right
for me today. Please?

- Do me a favor, huh?
- Come on, Laverne,

I'd like to come,
but Friday night

I'm gonna be
working with my mice.

I'm real close to a
breakthrough with Little Ben.

Watch this.

Ben!

Get the ball, Ben!

See? He goes for it, but he just
doesn't seem to have the touch.

Yeah, well, he really
ain't doing nothing, Chuck.

No, he's slow. I'm gonna start
working with Julius next week.

- He's got the knack, I think.
- Well, well, please, come on,

do this for me?
I'll owe you one.

And Rhonda would
really appreciate it.

Okay.

- I'll come. I'll go get ready.
- Uh... no, Chuck.

Chuck, it's not until Friday.

Come on, Ben, fetch.

- (anxious whine)
- Come on, Ben.

Oh, I didn't mean you, Willie.

You want to play with the ball?

Okay, Ben, watch Willie...
Maybe you could learn something.

Ready? Go!

See that, Ben? See?

He's getting the ball...
and bringing it back.

See? That's what
you're supposed to do.

Come on, let's try it again.

This one time we'll
do a little spin, okay?

Here. Ready? Go!

(Willie howling)

Oh, my goodness!

(gasping, panting)

Can't get enough of
that view, huh, Laverne?

Uh...

It's getting awful chilly
out, don't you think?

Yeah, it's clouding up. You
know, the weatherman says

it's gonna rain
like cats and dogs.

I think it already started.

Laverne...

- where's-where's Willie?
- Willie? Oh, uh,

he had to go out.

That's funny. You know,
Willie always scratches

before he goes out.

Yeah, well, he
had to go real bad.

Laverne...

Willie!

I'm sorry. I'm real sorry.

- I had the ball... I'm sorry.
- Laverne!

Look! He's okay!

He's wagging his tail.

Laverne, that's not
his tail. That's his leg!

Oh... oh, gee, I'm
sorry, it was an accident.

- I was just throwing the ball...
- It's okay, Laverne,

I forgive you, and I
know Willie forgives you.

I just hope that guy he
landed on forgives you.

FRANK: What's with your wrist?

Well, you see, I was
delivering a singing telegram,

uh, dressed as a pickle...

and, uh, I had to finish
with a little dance number,

and, uh, I was rehearsing
at Laverne's apartment.

And when it got
to the big finish,

I had to do a back
somersault, you see?

And I, uh, fell on the floor.

Hey! You can break
your wrist that way.

That's not how I did it.

- How'd you do it?
- Laverne was helping me up

and she stepped on it.

It serves you right!

It's not natural for a
man to dress like a pickle.

(singing arpeggios)

Oh! (laughs)

- Hi-ho, everybody.
- CARMINE: Hey, Rhonda.

Oh, you did a beautiful
job decorating this place.

- You like it?
- Such pretty colors.

Yeah, and it's
all leftover, too.

Uh, the, the, uh, red and
green is from Christmas.

Oh.

And the orange
is from Halloween,

and the... the white is
from the men's room.

Huh?

- Oh, no!
- FRANK: Yeah,

we're using the
best stuff: two-ply.

- Mr. DeFazio!
- Hey, uh, where's your dress?

I thought you were gonna
wear your dress for us.

Oh, I can't. It's
with the seamstress.

Laverne had a little
accident and ripped it, so...

Oh, yeah? You
know, Mr. DeFazio, uh,

lately Laverne's been
causing a lot of accidents.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Just because there's
a lot of accidents,

- don't blame it on Laverne, all right?
- (Rhonda gasps)

RHONDA: Oh...

FRANK: Oh...

Hey, Chuck, I heard
about Willie's accident.

- Is he gonna be okay?
- Thanks, Carmine. Yeah.

Doc says he's
gonna be all right.

I suppose now you're gonna
tell me this is also Laverne's fault.

How did you know that?

Oh...

He's old enough; he
would have figured it out.

You see that? Rhonda's
dress, Chuck's dog, my wrist...

It's almost like, uh,
like Laverne's a jinx.

What do you mean, like walking
under a black cat or something?

No, Mr. DeFazio. If you
can do that, you're not a jinx...

you're short.

Listen... I know that Laverne

wasn't born with a
rabbit's foot in her mouth,

and I don't know what's
going on here, but, uh,

just walk around
her a little bit careful

until we figure it out, okay?

CARMINE: So, if she does
come to Rhonda's audition,

we just make
sure she sits alone,

we make sure she
doesn't touch nothing,

we make sure she
don't talk to nobody...

- Well, how are you gonna do that?
- FRANK: I know.

I'll make her a hatcheck
girl and lock her in the closet.

CARMINE: I figure we put
Laverne way in the back, you know?

So she can't cause
no accidents, okay?

FRANK: Yeah, good. Good, good.

And you know what I'll do?

I'll feed her food
on a paper plate,

so if she drops it,
it don't hurt nobody.

- Good idea, good idea.
- Right? Good.

You're smart for an old man.

I'm really sorry we have
to stop by here, Bunny,

but, uh, this'll
only take a minute.

Mr. DeFazio, don't
move, don't move.

Monty Shore just walked in.

- The Monty Shore?
- The Monty Shore.

Who the hell is Monty Shore?

Monty Shore, the big producer.

He came to see Rhonda's act.

Get with the times, will you?

Mr. Shore! What an
honor and a pleasure

to have you in my place.

It's wonderful.

(chuckles softly) I know.

Uh, Mr. Shore, right this
way; best table in the house.

FRANK: Maitre d'.

(exhales sharply)

Hi. Where's Rhonda?

I wanted to tell
her to break a leg.

Uh, this way, in the back.

- W-W-Way in the back, way in the back.
- Wait a sec,

what are you do...
what are you doing?!

Laverne, look, it's for
your own good, okay?

What's for my own good?

Laverne, look, you got to admit,

lately you've been, uh, a
little unlucky, you know?

You're a jinx.

Carmine, uh, did... did
I hear the word "jinx"

come out of your mouth?

Well, that was kind of a
harsh term to use, Laverne.

- The truth.
- You're a jinx.

Carmine...

- Chuck?
- Hmm?

What do you think?

I think you're fine, Laverne.

- I think you're fine.
- Chuck...

Pop? D-Do you
think I'm a jinx, too?

(Frank stammering)

(rapid puffing)

I cannot believe this.

What are you all, living in
the Dark Ages or something?

There is no such
thing as a jinx.

She's right. Come on. I'm wrong.

- Go ahead, sit down.
- All right.

You sure you don't
want me to leave?

- No, it's okay; I got insurance.
- What? Wait a second,

what are you sticking me
all the way back here for?

- I can't see the stage.
- Believe me, Laverne,

you'll be much safer here.
You've seen Rhonda's dress.

You wouldn't want to
get trampled to death

when the guys decide
to rush the stage.

Well... but I don't
like my seat here.

- I can't see Rhonda.
- Perfect!

Start the show.

Uh, ladies and
gentlemen and producer

and lovely date,
uh, it's my privilege,

uh, to take at this time
the opportunity to introduce

our starlet for this
evening's show,

a lady with a figure
like an hourglass,

with all the sands
in the right places...

(chuckles) Rhonda Lee!

(cheering)

(piano playing fanfare)

(mid-tempo intro plays)

♪ You made me love you ♪

♪ I didn't want to do
it, I didn't want to do it ♪

♪ You made me want you ♪

♪ And all the time you knew
it, I think you always knew it ♪

♪ You made me happy sometimes ♪

♪ You make me glad ♪

♪ But there were times, dear ♪

♪ You made me feel so sad ♪

♪ You made me ♪

(rapid panting): ♪ Sigh... for ♪

♪ I didn't wanna tell you,
I didn't wanna tell you ♪

♪ I need a love that's true ♪

♪ Yes, I do, 'deed I
do, you know I do ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme what I cry for ♪

♪ You know you got
the brand of kisses ♪

♪ That I'd die for ♪

♪ You know you made me ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪♪

(trumpet solo playing)

♪♪

(trumpet solo continues)

(slowing, sputtering notes)

(music stops)

What's the matter
with all of you?

That's very hard to
do what she's doing,

especially in that dress. Come
on, put your hands together.

Clap. Clap your
hands. Oh, I'm sorry.

Over your shoulder
for good luck.

SHORE: Hey! Oh...

A man suffers from
high blood pressure,

tries to avoid salt, and
you throw it all over him.

Oh, well, gee, I'm sorry.

Mary, come over here,
get a whisk broom...

- (people gasping)
- (Shore gasps, stammers)

Look at this.

A $500 outfit ruined!

Come on, let's get out of here.

RHONDA: Mr. Shore!

What about my career?

Y-Your career? You
better sing someplace else.

And as far away
from her as possible!

Come on!

CARMINE: Laverne,
will you relax?

Chuck's on his way over here
with somebody that can help you.

I do not need
help; I am not a jinx.

You saw what
happened with Rhonda.

The cook heard her
playing, got her a job

with his brother's
mariachi band.

Look, look, Laverne, I
know you think you're okay,

but maybe you could
just humor us, you know?

After all, we're paying.

Okay, I'll humor you.

I mean, it's one thing
to be called a jinx,

but it's another thing
to have your own father

come and nail garlic
to your front door.

(knocking)

There he is again.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- That's him again.

I think that's Chuck.

Don't open the door!

Madame Olga needs complete quiet

to reach the spirits
of the astral plane.

- LAVERNE: Astral plane?
- Shh.

- Boy, are we glad to...
- Silence!

I can hear the
spirits talking to me.

There's a little matter
needs taking care of.

What's that?

I must get my ten bucks.

- Ten bucks?
- Yeah, cash.

The spirits don't like checks.

(mockingly): "The
spirits don't like checks."

- Yeah, I heard her, I heard her.
- Thank you very much.

Look, Chuck,

I appreciate what you're
doing, but, uh, you did, uh,

bring a lady over that's
wearing bus fare on her head.

Silence!

I can feel bad
vibrations in this room.

Oh, please.

Sit!

Not over there, idiots.

Over here, please.

Look, look, hurry up,
move fast, move fast.

This lady gets paid by the hour.

You know, I used
to have one of these

with the Empire
State Building in it,

and you'd turn it upside-down
and snow would come down.

Silence.

The spirits do not care about
your cockamamy snow globe.

She's so strict.

All right.

Yes.

Yeah, I can see trouble in here,

but it's very blurry.

Is there something you have
done to bring this trouble upon you?

I don't have trouble upon me.

Yeah, yeah, it's
coming into focus now.

Yes, I can see writing in here.

Really?

The kind of writing
like in a letter.

Yeah, well, I
don't get no let...

Oh, well, I did
get a chain letter,

but I threw it out
like all the others.

You threw away a chain letter?

Like all the others?

Well, this doesn't
have anything to do

with breaking a
chain letter, does it?

Chain letters?

Nah, that's earthly garbage.

That's what I thought.

So, what is all this about, huh?

You know, it's a funny thing.

My vision is very blurry,
but for another five bucks,

I'm sure it would improve.

I'm sure it would.

I'll take this-this one, guys.

Thank you very much.

All right, put out
your hand, please.

Eye of a lizard.

Ew.

Chicken bone.

Tooth of dog.

Big dog.

And jinx is gone.

Wait a second,
"bone" and "gone"?

You call that a rhyme?

Okay, would you be happy
if I said "bon" and "gone"?

I...

I'd be happy if you took
this stuff out of my hand

and told these guys
that I am not a jinx.

All right, she is not a jinx.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

How about, uh, Rhonda's dress
and Chuck's dog and my wrist?

Wait a minute, is it
possible that Rhonda's dress

could've ripped because
maybe it was too long?

- It was very long.
- See?

And maybe Chuck's pooch

jumped out the window
for some other reason.

- Hmm.
- Chuck?

Well, there is this little girl
dog that lives downstairs.

Madame Olga has
seen this in the ball.

What about Carmine?

Well, Laverne, I was
learning a new dance step.

Uh, I guess if it was
meant for pickles to dance,

God would've gave
them tap shoes.

- You do got a point there.
- OLGA: Yeah.

You are the victim
of circumstances.

Thank you very much.

See that? Did you hear her?

Maybe next time
you'll think twice

before you start a witch hunt.

Okay, okay, Laverne,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

We were just trying
to protect Rhonda.

Yeah, and just look
at the bright side of it.

At least Madame Olga
told us we were wrong.

- Right, Madame Olga?
- Yeah.

Hey, uh, are you gonna
use that chicken bone?

Yes!

I need this bone for the future.

Hey, Madame Olga, can...

can you see the
future in that thing?

Yes, I can.

Well, could I, like, see who
I'm gonna marry and stuff?

- Take a look.
- Boy, I hope there's a cute guy in here.

(shattering)

I feel terrible.

- No.
- Oh, no,

- I broke your crystal ball.
- No, no.

No, that wasn't
real crystal anyway.

That-that was glass.

Don't worry about it.

$4.95.

- $4.95?
- Yeah.

All right, for you, $3.99.

I-I get a quantity discount.

- All right.
- Lucky you.

Thank you very much.

I'll walk you to the door.

- Thank you.
- Hey, uh, Madame Olga,

I want to ask you
something here.

- A lot of things have been happening.
- Yeah, yeah.

Do you think there's
anything to this, uh, jinx thing?

No, no, sweetheart,
honey, you're not a jinx.

But, whoa, are you a klutz.

(knocking)

(doorbell rings)

Coming!

- Yeah...
- You know something?

Something has been bothering
me ever since I was here before,

and I couldn't
put my finger on it,

so I had to come back.

Yeah, well, uh,

I ain't paying you no ten bucks.

No, this is a spiritual freebie.

- Take a seat.
- Oh.

- You know, it's a funny thing.
- What?

When I was looking
in the ball before,

I don't know why I see
Flatbush and Brooklyn.

Yeah? That's where I was raised.

Yeah, a-and another thing.

I-I see this Mrs.
Bockner's third grade class.

- (mouthing)
- And in that class,

I see this little girl
standing there with an "L."

She's standing in a garbage can.

Oh, she used to make
me do that all the time.

Hey, lady, you're very good.

No, no, Laverne,
I was in that class!

It's me, Paula Rosensweig.

Get out of here.

- You ain't Paula.
- Laverne.

Wind, wind, Michigan.

Wind, wind, Michigan.

Pull! Pull! Pull!

BOTH: Tap, tap!

- Laverne!
- Paula Rosensweig.

- Oh, boy, oh, boy!
- Laverne.

I can't believe it.

- Laverne.
- Look at you, look at you.

I can't believe it.

Paula Rosensweig,

a gypsy fortune teller.

Look, a girl's got to
make a living, right?

- Right.
- Laverne,

it's so great to see you.

Hey, do you hear from
the other kids ever?

Oh, well, some
of them, you know.

Like, what about Ben Holland?

Do you ever hear
anything about Ben?

You know, I was in love with him

from a distance, Laverne.

Yeah, well, I have a little
information on Ben Holland.

Oh, yeah?

Laverne, tell me.

Tell me what you know.

Uh, silence!

There's a matter that
needs to be taken care of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gotcha, I gotcha.

Ben Holland.

Married, two kids,

fat as a house,
lost all his hair.

Oh, no.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪