08x10 - The Gymnast

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Hi-ho! It's Rhonda!

Don't step on the wax!

Oh, good.

I knew you'd be here with
no plans for the evening.

Thanks, Rhonda.

Laverne, uh, I overfilled
my date book again,

and I would like for you to meet
my very dearest acquaintance,

Edgar Garibaldi.

Edgar, Laverne DeFazio.

Enchanted.

Embarrassed.

Oh! Isn't she just
too cute for words?

I mean, how adorably domestic.

I wish I had a flair
for the domestic,

but I've never waxed
a thing in my life.

Yeah? What about your upper lip?

Oh!

(laughs)

She's such a cr*ck-up.

Yeah, that's me, the perky peon.

You know, my dear, a mop

has no business in
hands as lovely as yours.

Really?

Hey, I like this guy.

Why don't you take
that chair down, sit down,

make yourself comfortable?

I-I'm almost done here.

Oh, thank you very much.

Laverne?

Yeah?

Edgar is a famous
trapeze artist.

He's been cheered in circuses

and auditoriums
all over the world.

Yeah?

I haven't done
it for a long time.

Really?

I think he means
the trapeze, Rhonda.

Oh.

(giggles)

I always loved the circus.

Can I ask you something?

Is the Bearded
Lady really a man?

Laverne!

What kind of a question is
that to ask on a first date?

Who said anything about a date?

Well, possibly you might
like to join me for dinner.

I could tell you all
about the Tattooed Lady.

Ooh, really?

You know the Tattooed Lady?

- Yes, yes.
- Gee, I'd love to.

Do you mind waiting
until the wax dries?

Laverne, you can
watch wax dry anytime.

How often do you
get a chance to go out

with one of the few
men in the world

who can do a triple?

Not often enough.

Wait right there.

Laverne? Uh...

Hup!

Oh!

Get me down!

Wow, my word...

Wax...

Oh, you're so agile.

- You're so graceful.
- Oh...

You know, you
remind me of someone

I knew a long time ago.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Better not be the Fat Lady.
- (laughs)

Oh, this is such fun.

It's the first time I've
ever put a couple together

instead of breaking one up.

- Get lost, Rhonda.
- Oh!

I'm part of the woodwork.

You know something?

I-I have the feeling...

the feeling that we're...

Don't think I'm forward.

Oh, not me.

Going to be very close, Louise.

It's Laverne.

Oh, terribly sorry.

Oh, tell me, did you
ever wear your hair up?

You mean like this?

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's lovely.

Oh...

- My arms are getting tired.
- Oh... (laughs)

I hope your arm
doesn't get tired.

(Edgar laughs)

Washington, Washington,

Washington, Art Linkletter.

Art Linkletter?

I got to tell that Mary
to be more careful.

- For crying out loud...
- Hi, Pop.

(screams)

Don't ever sneak up on a guy

when he's talking to his money.

I'm sorry.

FRANK: Hey,
what's with your hair?

Edgar likes it like this.

Eh, so he's an ear man?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey...
- Aw, Pop, please.

Hey, you've been seeing
a lot of this Edgar, right?

Yeah.

How come I haven't met him?

Something wrong with him?

No, no.

Nothing's wrong with him, Pop.

Well, you only meet

three kinds of guys.

One: guys I meet,

two: guys I don't meet,

three: guys I
don't want to meet.

What class is he in?

Well, he's a one and a three.

Uh, you're gonna meet him,

but I don't know if you're
gonna want to meet him.

You see, Edgar wants to take me

up to his mountain
place next weekend

and, uh, teach me
how to do the triple.

(mutters)

I don't even want to
know what that means.

No, no, no, no, Pop! Pop!

It's a somersault... triple
somersault... on a trapeze.

Uh, Edgar was a trapeze star

and, well, he wants to train me

to try to do the triple
and work with him.

- Yeah, like on the trapeze, huh?
- Yeah.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- What?

Whatever happened to lies like

"You want to see my etching?"

Huh? How about that?

Pop...

Yeah, sure.

That's a real punk kid,
he's got a lot of nerve.

Oh, he does not have a
lot of nerve, Pop, please.

- Come on, the trapeze...
- Don't start...

Hello, my sweet.

- Hi, Edgar.
- Hi, um... uh...

This is my father.

Oh, it's a great pleasure

to meet you, Mr. DeFazio.

Why don't you shake
hands with the punk kid, Pop?

Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry I got your
hands full of grease.

I'm working with lard. (laughs)

Please don't apologize, sir.

A man's hands
should reflect his labor.

Yeah, right, yeah.

See that? Yeah, yeah, right.

Well, you must
be very proud, sir,

nurturing this lovely flower

into full and radiant bloom.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's a bloomer.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, listen, uh,

you're really with
the circus, huh?

Well, I haven't performed
in a number of years.

I... I lost the desire

until I met... Louise.

Who's Louise?

Oh, forgive me.

She just seems like a Louise.

Listen, she's a Laverne.

Uh, I mean, you look
like a nice enough guy,

you got a nice suit,
clean and everything.

What's with the circus?
Come on, come on, circus...

Well, I understand
your concern, sir,

but believe me, between my
houseman Arthur and myself,

Louise will be
well taken care of.

Louise, I want to
talk to you a minute.

Look, Edgar, why don't
you wait out in the car?

I'll be out in a second, okay?

Sure.

Very nice meeting you, sir.

Yeah, I've had the...

Isn't he terrific, huh, Pop?

Uh, what... what are
you talking about?

Terrific, what terrific?

He's out of work,
he carries a stick,

he forgot your name,

don't even remember your name,

and you ain't going!
How do you like that?

I am so going, Pop.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am,

and I don't care if you get
mad at me and don't talk to me.

Well, then...

All right, I'll tell you what!

Next time this comes up,

do what everybody else does.

Sneak.

♪♪

(telephone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Pop.

Look, this calling
every 15 minutes

is getting real
silly, you know that.

I...

I... it's not like I haven't
been away before.

Yes, I know you dreamt
he was the Antichrist.

No, it's starting to spook
me now, Pop, okay?

No, he happens to
be a very good driver.

Yeah, I packed my
St. Christopher medal

in my suitcase.

I can't believe
you said that, Pop.

Now good-bye, okay?

"Wear clean underwear in
case you have an accident."

Boy... whatever happened to

"Have a nice trip" or something?

RHONDA: Hi-ho!

Oh, this is the most
exciting thing ever.

And here's a little bit of
Rhonda to take with you.

Boy.

I wish I could take a
little bit more of Rhonda

so I could fill this thing out.

Oh! (laughs)

Oh, whisked away to
a mountain hideaway

by a dashing
circus world legend.

And it's all happening
to you, Laverne.

- Yeah...
- Who'd believe it?

I mean, it's such a
Rhonda-type thing to happen.

In fact, if you don't mind,

I'm going to tell people
it did happen to me.

This rose came for you today.

I guess the delivery
boy is so used

to delivering Rhonda flowers
that he made a mistake.

What's it say?

"For my favorite flower.

- Love, Edgar."
- Oh...

Isn't that sweet?

Yeah.

So pretty. I'll take it with me.

Laverne! What...

You know, Edgar
really is a terrific guy,

but he's a little forgetful.

I told him my favorite
flowers were carnations.

Oh, well, Ted, the guy
who introduced me to him,

says he's been like
that... Just a little forgetful...

- Mm-hmm.
- Ever since his accident.

Oh, you mean
since he hurt his leg?

Yeah.

Ted told me Edgar was practicing

that triple somersault
with a girl and, uh,

the night they
were going to do it,

she ran off with another guy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah...?

And what happened?

Come on, Rhonda.

You know, Laverne,

maybe Rhonda shouldn't
be telling you this.

- Rhonda...
- I don't think so.

It's not important.

- Just forget I said anything, okay?
- Rhonda?

I've seen your driver's license.

I know how old you are.

Now start talking.

(rapidly): Ted said Edgar...

Edgar found another girl,
tried the triple, and fell...

No, no. Slower, Rhonda, slower.

- (gasping for breath)
- Breathe deep, don't worry.

Go ahead.

Edgar found another
girl, tried the triple, and fell.

Ted says he went a little crazy

and blamed it all on the girl.

In fact, he swore

if he ever found
her, he'd k*ll her.

Well, Rhonda,

that's not the
kind of information

you keep from a person!

Well, Laverne, it
might not even be true.

Ted's always telling lies.

I didn't even know
about his wife

until she showed
up at the motel.

Wait, Rhonda.

Huh?

Maybe I shouldn't go.

Oh, Laverne, that's ridiculous.

What does any of this
have to do with you?

Now go, come on.

Yeah? You're right.

It has nothing to do with me.

- I will go.
- (Rhonda laughs)

Yeah.

Although, according to
the way Ted described her,

you look a lot like Louise.

Who is this Louise?

Well, that's the girl
Edgar wanted to k*ll.

Ta-ta.

Well, this is your room.

I trust that you'll sleep well.

Oh, me?

I can sleep anyplace.

On a chair, outside on a log.

You know, in high school,

I was voted "Most Likely
to Sleep Anywhere."

(Edgar laughs)

Arthur will take care of
whatever you need, uh,

soap, toothbrush, towels...

- Oh...
- All right? Arthur!

Will you bring some
fresh towels, please?

ARTHUR: Coming, sir.

Well, do you like it?

Oh, Edgar...

It's just beautiful.

It's yours now.

This room has been
empty for too long.

Oh...

Clean...

(music box playing "Louise")

Why, that's a nice song.

What's it called?

- Oh, it came with the box.
- Oh.

Well, you must get some
rest for tomorrow's training.

That's right.

Good night, Louise.

Look, Edgar, I don't mean
to be naggy or anything,

but there's only two
names I answer to.

One of 'em is Laverne, and
the other is "Hey, beautiful."

So, uh, could you sort of
pick between the two of them?

Good night, Laverne.

Hey, beautiful. Good night.

So sweet.

What a pussycat he is.

And here I thought he was
gonna k*ll me or something.

Oh, gee, I k*lled the rose.

Okay, come on.

Just put that with the others.

(music box plays "Louise")

(plays "Louise")

(plays "Louise")

Guess he must have gotten
a deal on 'em or something.

I, uh, I dashed up here with
your towels, Miss DeFazio.

Oh, thank you very much.

At least there's
someone around here

who doesn't have trouble
remembering my name.

Will there be anything
else I could do, madam?

Well, you know
something, Arthur?

I'm not really that sleepy yet.

Uh, what do you do around
here for fun, you know?

Is there any games,
TV, music, or something?

Well... for entertainment,

I usually stand by the window,

hum a little bit...

watch the seasons change.

You know something?

Arthur, on the outside, you
seem like a real relaxed guy,

but inside, Artie, I bet
you're a real daredevil.

(chuckles) Oh, if
you say so, madam.

I say so.

That's rather nice
underwear, madam.

Art!

What's this?

Oh, uh...

Hey, look at this.

"Leone Brothers
International Circus presents

the trapeze stylings
of Edgar and Louise."

Uh, I don't think, madam...

She's got tape over her face.

And her hair's like mine.

ARTHUR: Oh, madam...

This is Louise?

Madam, I-I'm so sorry.
I really don't think... Oh!

I'm sorry, sir, I-I-I should
have locked the drawer.

I think it's really much
too late for you, old friend.

Oh...

Excuse me. I must
deal with Arthur.

Come along, Arthur.

Good-bye, madam.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

- Good-bye, madam.
- Good-bye.

Wait a second! What are
you gonna do with Arthur?!

What are you gonna do with me?

Where's Arthur?

Oh, he's gone with the hounds.

You know, there's something
the matter with this phone.

It's dead.

Are you sure?

Oh, believe me, I
know what dead is.

(key rattles in lock)

(wolf howls in distance)

Got to get out of here.

Oh, gee!

Poison Mushrooms: There's
Death in Your Garden.

Oh, gee.

(lock rattles)

- I'm coming in.
- Oh!

Oh, I hope I'm not
disturbing you, my dear.

Oh, no, no, I was just checking
out the weather stripping

around the door here.

I've always had a
fondness for good insulation.

Well, I've prepared
a little midnight snack

to give you a
little extra strength

for tomorrow's training.

Yeah, no, no, I
never eat at midnight.

I never know which day
to count the calories on.

Oh, please, I insist.
Sit down, my darling, sit.

I prepared this chicken
with mushroom sauce

especially for you.

Mushrooms?

Yes, fresh from my garden.

- Shall I carve a leg?
- No, no!

Oh, no, I-I don't eat
chicken. I'm a vegetarian.

Well, possibly a
little salad, then.

Why don't you eat the salad?

No, no, I can't
take the roughage.

All right, open the hangar door.

Here it comes. Open your mouth.

Here it is.

(screams)

Spider! Spider!

Mmm-mmm, great salad, great.

Well you mustn't eat
so fast. You might choke.

No, I only eat fast when
I'm frightened... of bugs.

That was a big, hairy sucker.

Well, you must,
you must savor this.

It's a recipe that's been in
my family for generations.

Your family?

Well, why don't we call
some of your family up

and invite them over and
have a party or something?

I can't. They're all dead.

Oh, well, I don't like to
butt into family affairs.

Why don't you have it?

No, no, I've altered
this to fit your needs.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Go ahead, darling.

It's good. It's good.

(screams)

Another spider?

No, a mouse,
under the bed, there!

I can't drink with
rodents running around!

Did you find it?
It's under there.

It could have been a
squirrel with a skinny tail.

Do you have a dog around?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Very tasty. A
little flat, though.

Oh, I hope that I didn't make
you uncomfortable in any way.

Oh, you don't know how long
I've waited for this moment.

Somehow I knew
I'd find you again.

Again?

- What?
- Again.

You said again, like I
was lost or something.

Did I? Well, I think
you should get

some rest for
tomorrow, my darling.

- Here, sleep, sleep, Louise...
- No!

No, no, I-I couldn't possibly,
not on a full stomach.

Perhaps we could, uh,
start the training tonight, then.

Okay, okay.

Uh, but I have to change.
I-I ate in these clothes.

Oh, of course, I understand.

Uh, I have just the thing.

Oh... that's beautiful.

What do I wear?

No, this is yours.

Oh, I'm sorry. You can't
tell with circus clothes.

Now I must get ready.

I'll be back in
just a few minutes.

Uh, okay, take your
time. Don't worry.

Oh, gee.

Well, if I'm gonna die,

I'm gonna go out looking good.

Ah, there you are.

- Yeah.
- You look beautiful.

- Oh.
- The costumes are perfect.

Yeah, I-I'm lucky that way.

Uh, I always buy all my
trapeze clothes right off the rack.

Well, shall we start with
some limbering up exercises?

Yes, yes, okay.

You know the way
I like to limber up?

I like to take a ten-mile run
with my luggage in my hand.

So why don't I just go do
that, and I'll be right back?

That's not the way
to warm up for a triple,

- believe me.
- Wait, stay away from me!

I'm telling you, I got
an "A" in dodgeball.

I don't understand.
What do you mean?

That's what I mean!

- Now, please stay away!
- I don't understand. Louise...

Stay away, stay away, stay away!

Please, I'm not
her! I'm not Louise!

- Please...
- Please, I'm not her!

But I can't help it if I
look like her! Please.

Now go away! I don't
want you to k*ll me, okay?

But I'd never do
a thing like that.

Sure, is that what
you said to Arthur

before you buried him
with the hounds, huh?

Madam!

Arthur, you're alive!

Oh, thank you for the
compliment, madam.

EDGAR: Don't blame
yourself, please. I was a fool.

It was just that when I saw you

and you looked so much like her,

I wanted what used to be.

Oh, Edgar, Edgar, Edgar.

You know, a lot
of people wish that.

But, well, that just
isn't the way life is.

I mean, you got to
forget about the past

and, well, just go
on with the future.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess I've
known it all along.

I just didn't want
to admit it to myself.

But believe me, I never
wanted to k*ll Louise. I loved her.

I know.

I know you couldn't
hurt anybody.

Oh, and I didn't
want to hurt you.

Oh, you didn't.

I like you, Laverne.

I want us to be friends.

Well, sure, especially since
you called me by my right name.

(Edgar chuckles)

Oh...

Oh, that's better.

You're telling me.

I was getting tired of
shaving the back of my neck.

(chuckles)

RHONDA: Knock, knock!

Anybody home?

Hi-ho, Casanova!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Nice touch. Very romantic.

I don't want to see
you. Where's my date?

Well, she'll be in in a
minute. She's parking the car.

Parking the car!

That's great, I love a woman
who's good with machinery.

Ooh, and you're
gonna love her, too.

You know, you're not
an easy guy to fix up,

what with all your requirements.

What requirements?!

You did such a great job
with Edgar and Laverne,

I figured I'd try
the circus myself.

- I love those circus girls, nice bodies.
- Mmm...

Tight trapeze costumes. Oh!

Oh, well, mm, it's not
exactly the trapeze,

but it is a popular attraction.

Um, Frank DeFazio...

meet the Amazing Esmerelda.

I've heard so much about you.

Well, ta-ta!

I'm sure the two of you
will have a lot to talk about.

Ooh... nice mustache.

We have so much in common.

Scorpio, right?

Rhonda...!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪