08x11 - The Monastery Show

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

(church bells toll)

You got everything?

Thank you.

(snoring)

(clearing throat)

(snoring)

(thuds)

(knocking)

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It has been... 15 years
since my last confession.

15 years?

Look, I-I'm gonna be off
here, I mean, in five minutes.

It sounds like you're
gonna need a full shift.

Okay, here goes.

It happened last night.

I went down to
Long Beach to party

with a bunch of friends of mine,

and, uh, one minute, I
was standing on the beach

toasting the memory
of Buddy Holly.

Do you know who he was?

"Peggy Sue,"
"That'll Be the Day."

Yeah, that's him.

And the next thing I know,
I'm watching the sunrise

from the deck of
an aircraft carrier.

So, you had a little too much
to drink, and you passed out.

It... it happens.

Yeah. But, Father, when I
woke up and got off the ship,

all the sailors saluted.

Then they tooted the big horn.

Oh, baby.

They said that, too.

Uh, they never covered
this at the seminary.

Well, do you think
God will forgive me?

I mean, I ran here
straight from the pier.

Of course.

Well, let's see.

What's the damage, Father?

Your, uh, penance
comes to 5,000 Hail Marys,

uh, 3,000 Our Fathers
and an act of contrition.

(sighs)

(priest mutters)

Do you really think
that's enough, Father?

I mean, it's real important
to me for God to forgive me

and for my soul to go to Heaven.

I suggest that you spend a
week of retreat in a convent,

where you can contemplate
your sins in peaceful quiet.

A convent?

Yes.

God would like that.

Yes.

I'll, uh... I'll call the
Mother Superior

at, uh, St. Andrew the Divine
and tell her you're coming.

I know where
that is. You pass it

on the way to Camp
Pendleton Marine Base.

Did the Bishop send
you here to test me?

No.

Then make it two
weeks at St. Andrew's.

(women singing
a cappella in Latin)

(singing continues)

LAVERNE (off-key):
♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ To save a wretch like me... ♪

Oh, boy, I'm going to love
it in here at St. Andrew's.

Oh, hi. My name's
Laverne DeFazio.

Do you know where you check in?

Oh, I get it.

Ooday ouyay
eakspay Igpay Atinlay?

- LAVERNE: Oh.
- Good afternoon, Sisters.

Oh, you must be Laverne DeFazio.

I'm Mother Superior.

How do you do, Mother?

My, we've heard a lot about you.

Aw, gee, I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be, Laverne.

You know that the priest
cannot violate the confidence

of the confessional.

Oh, thank God.
That's a wonderful rule.

However, in speaking to me,

Father did use the word "doozy."

Did you tell them
about the doozy part?

'Cause none of
them will talk to me.

Watch this. You see, I go up.

Hello. How are you?
What's your name?

They just give me food.

Laverne, it isn't your fault.

When the Sisters arrive,

they make a vow of
silence for seven years.

You mean none of
them ever talk, ever?

Not a word.

Then how come you talk?

Someone has to answer the phone.

That's a good one, Mother.

There are some things you
should know, though, Laverne.

Our sole support is
through our craftsmanship.

I happen to be the
director of marketing

for our pottery line, Hushware.

Hushware. (gasps)

You know, I have a
bowl just like that at home.

This girl from work
had a Hushware party.

Please pay attention. Over here.

There are some
things you should know

while working on
the pottery, Laverne,

and they are signals you
will use in communication.

This means, "I want more clay."

This means, "I want more glaze."

This means, "Holding, 15 yards."

We play touch
football on Saturday.

Uh, uh, I'm... I love football.

Go ahead, try to get past me.

- (Mother Superior chuckles)
- Go ahead, go ahead.

(grunts)

Oh, gee, Mother!

You ought to think of
playing for the Rams.

Hardly. Here, read this.

It has the rest of the
signals you should know.

(singing in Latin)

I guess, uh, some of the times,

you let the nuns
sing and talk, huh?

Those are the St.
Andrews Sisters.

They're the only ones
who can sing and talk

during their seven years here.

You mean the rest of the nuns
go seven years without talking?

Oh, I couldn't last two minutes.

You'll have to do better
than that, Laverne.

You'll have to last two weeks.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

- Starting right now.
- Yeah, but I...

No buts and no talking.

- (bells chime)
- Eat.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh. ♪

(soft grunt)

(grunting)

(women singing in Latin)

(mouthing)

(singing continues)

(singing continues)

Merciful Heavens!

(bells toll)

(chair thuds)

Is she having a
religious experience?

(chair thudding on floor)

(tapping)

(chair thudding, tapping)

My chair is on her foot?

My chair is on your foot.

I'm sorry. I-I...
I didn't mean it.

I really didn't
mean to put it...

Did you speak just now?

No.

Then what do you call that?

Please! Please!
Please don't kick me out!

I really didn't mean to talk.

Please, please, I'm begging
you, I'm begging you, please.

All right. All right, I
think what you need

is to be by yourself a while

so you can contemplate
just why you're here.

I'm going to send you up to
the belfry to ring some bells.

Yesterday, Sister Catherine
went up too high on the rope

and banged her
head on the clacker.

Okay, Mother, I'll do it.

I'll ring your bells like they've
never been rung before.

And at the proper time,
you will ring the prayer bell,

you will ring the work bell,
you will ring the meal bell,

you will ring the sleep bell.

- You got it, Mother.
- Mm-hmm.

And take this with you.

Turn it over once an hour,

and, uh, it's three
minutes slow.

Vespers, Sisters.

Spend all day up there with
nothing to eat but this mush.

Oh, boy, a whole jar of pickles!

Thank...

(nuns singing Latin nearby)

(nuns continue singing in Latin)

- (nuns singing)
- (crickets chirping)

- (singing stops)
- (door creaking loudly)

(panting)

(deep voice): Like the
sands through the hourglass,

so are the days of our lives.

(bell chimes)

(bell chimes one note higher)

(bell chimes one note higher)

(lowest bell chimes)

(bell chimes)

(bell chimes one note higher)

(bell chimes one note higher)

(lowest bell chimes)

(playing "Frère Jacques")

(continues playing
"Frère Jacques")

(continues playing
"Frère Jacques")

(bells begin chiming
"Frère Jacques" again)

(continues chiming
"Frère Jacques")

(continues chiming
"Frère Jacques")

(bells continue chiming
"Frère Jacques")

(bells continue chiming
"Frère Jacques")

Stop it!

Stop it! I can't
stand it anymore!

(bells continue chiming
"Frère Jacques")

Your bells are driving me crazy!

Are they getting to you?

(bells continue chiming
"Frère Jacques")

Exactly! That's
just the way I feel!

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

I can't take it anymore!

I can't take it! Look
at me, I'm drooling!

I'm drooling!

- (loud grunting)
- Sister Margaret!

- What?
- You're talking.

I am not talking; I'm screaming!

Now, now, keep calm.
Remember your vows.

(panting): You know,
this is all your fault.

You're the one who
put her in that belfry.

(continues chiming
"Frère Jacques")

(bells continue chiming
"Frère Jacques")

What are you doing?!

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Esmeralda...

- I...
- (Mother Superior gasping)

- I guess you didn't see the movie, huh?
- (groans)

Well, it was about this guy...

- (nuns singing)
- (crickets chirping)

(nuns singing in Latin)

(nuns depart, still singing)

Oh!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look, I-I'm real
sorry, Sister Margaret.

I-I mean, I didn't mean
to make you crazy,

a-and I didn't mean
to make you drool.

Oh, that's all right.

Well... they're sending me
home after only two days.

Bet you're happy to hear that.

I caused you nothing but
trouble ever since I got here.

Oh, no, it wasn't your fault.

I mean, I-I was doubting my
vows long before you got here.

Yeah, but I made you talk,

and I got you
locked in the chapel.

And I want to
thank you for that.

You see...

when I was in that chapel,

it really gave me a
chance to sort things out.

And I had a long
talk with myself.

Yeah, well, people
tend to do that

when they're locked
in a room all alone.

Well, I wasn't alone.

I had company.

You snuck somebody in?

(chuckles): No.

Not somebody.

♪♪

You see...

it's just a feeling.

(echoing softly): It's a
feeling that fills me up,

that makes me know
that I do belong here,

and that being here is right.

It's incredible.

Don't you feel it?

No.

Laverne, come here.

Come here.

Laverne...

you just keep your
heart open to it,

and maybe someday
you'll feel it, too.

Oh, Sister Margaret...

I'm real glad you
changed your mind,

'cause I think you make one
heck of a nun, you know that?

I'm anxious to go, you know,

so I can get on with
my vows of silence, but...

before I do, Laverne, I just...

I want you to know that...

you're not a bad girl.

You're a good girl.

You're a beautiful soul.

You know that, don't you?

I guess.

Bye, Laverne.

Bye, Sister Margaret.

And now I'm gonna say my
last words for seven years.

You want a pickle?

Gee, I hate to say
no, but I'm all full.

(nuns singing)

(chiming continues in distance)

(chiming stops)

- Having fun?
- Yeah, a lit...

Well, no, not that much.

I-I'm just waiting for
the bus to go home.

Laverne, I heard what
you did for Sister Margaret.

Now, I'm very confused
about whether to let you stay

or to make you go.

I have to go check
with the big boss.

I'll be right back.

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo, Lord?

Yoo-hoo!

(sighs)

Please, Lord, I...

I'm really trying to feel...

- ♪♪
- (wind whistles softly)

(echoing softly): Hello.

Lord, you're gonna get
a call in just a minute,

and I know you're real busy,

but could you do me
a favor and take it?

I haven't really been
that bad the last 15 years.

But the other night
with the boat business...

I really started not to
like myself very much.

And what I really
need is to stay here

a couple of weeks
and talk to you.

Now, I know Mother
Superior forgave me

about the talking
and the clay, but...

well, some people
need a couple of chances

before they get it right.

And I'm one of those people.

And down the line,
you'll... you'll be real happy

to have me in Heaven.

I-I look real good in white,

and I'm not afraid
of heights or nothing.

So, what do you say, Lord?

Can I stay?

Is that a yes or a no?

Oh, I'm so amazed.

I've never received
such a quick response.

My dear, I think it's best...

that you stay on for
a couple of weeks.

Oh! Oh, you are the most
superior Mother Superior

I have ever met.

Uh, uh, do you play football?

Are you kidding? I'm
a great quarterback.

Oh, no, I'm the quarterback.

Oh. Sure. Uh,
I'm a great center.

I'm used to falling
down on my face.

Go ahead, call some
signals. Go ahead.

Oh... He calls the signals.

Then who referees?

Let's just say we never lose.

NUNS: ♪ Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! ♪

♪ Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪

Hut!

Hike!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪