08x12 - Defective Ballet

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

LAVERNE: Well, if
you really don't like it,

I'll take it back.

No problem.

No problem at all. (chuckles)

Why couldn't my
pop serve jury duty

in night court
when we're closed?

Hey, Cisco?

Here.

Table four changed their mind

about the homemade chili.

Try to stuff it back in the can.

Can you believe it?

Those two said they
never saw anything

so disgusting in their life.

Hello.

Laverne, I won't b*at
around your bushes.

I'd like to, uh,

I'd like to proposition
you if I may.

(sucking teeth)

Not if we were the last
two people on Earth.

- Now, wait a minute.
- Not if it meant joy

and everlasting
happiness to the world.

I don't think you mean that.

No way, not ever.

Ah, come on, I understand.

You're a prospective
young woman.

You need time to
think these things out.

So I'll give you
a little bit of time.

Squiggy, leave
me alone, I'm busy!

Ah, you're so busy.

Why don't you make me a burger?

And step on it.

(both sucking teeth)

I'd like to step on
your French fries.

Well, if it's all the
same with you,

I'm gonna go into the bathroom

and wash my arms.

At least it's a start.

Stop, comrades.

We will check, make
sure place is safe.

You will stay here.

You do not want to
get into big trouble.

♪ Monday, Monday ♪

♪ So good to be... ♪

Here you go. Enjoy that.

Ooh, excuse me.

♪ Monday, Monday... ♪

Now remember plan, Viviana.

We are to ask to
leave to go to bathroom.

And then we put on our
American hippie costumes.

Next, we slip away to
freedom in the parking "clot."

- I love you, Boris.
- Aye.

Please be careful.

Excuse me, comrades.

But Viviana and
I, we are dancers,

so naturally we sweat a lot.

I was wondering if
you would excuse us

and permit us to go to
bathroom to freshen up?

All right. Clearski.

You may go.

Thank you very...
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, while we are gone,

why do you not do what
they say in America?

Sit down and take a "loaf" off.

I think that's "load" off.

Why? That makes no sense.

(both arguing in Russian)

Okay, boys, what'll it be?

How is borscht today?

Unattainable.

Foreigners, huh?

Uh, well, the closest
we got to foreign food

is, uh, French fries.

But our, uh, chili
is fresh today.

Chili with borscht?

(groaning): Yech feh.

Uh, well, look, this is
a barbecue place here.

And we don't have borscht
and we don't have "yech feh."

So, what about
the, uh, chili, huh?

Trust me on it.

Okay-dokey.

Uh, but put a
little yak fat on it.

Yak fat?

Well, uh, you have yak horns.

What is?

Deceptive advertising?

Oh, no, not at all.

As a matter of fact, I got a
fat yak tied up right out back.

♪ Monday, Monday ♪

♪ Can't trust that day... ♪

- ♪ Monday, Monday ♪
- Stop!

- No!
- Defector!

Now you will see

what we do with traitors.

- Come.
- No! Please, no!

♪ Monday, Monday,
I hate that day... ♪

- Aha! Defector!
- What the...? Defector?

- What are you talk...?
- Think you can disguise yourself?

Wait a minute, this
is, you know, this is...!

You're swine and garbage.

You saw this, you're a witness,
ma'am! I want to talk to...

Excuse me, American broom lady?

But I lose my Viviana.

Yeah, well, have you
tried looking in the sink?

Oh, get off it,
would you, Squiggy?

Come on.

That phony wig and
accent ain't gonna get you

out of paying your check.

Now here, pay up and get out!

You do not understand.

I am Boris Squiggmanoff
of Russian Ballet.

- Yeah, sure, you are.
- Oh, yes, I am.

I-I-I am but a stranger
in a strange "gland."

Yeah, well, you've always
had strange glands, Squigg.

Now, uh, pay up.

I want to go home, okay?

Oh!

Where has Boris
Squiggmanoff to go

when beautiful American lady

does not believe him?

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Did you call me beautiful?

Yes, you are beautiful.

You are more beautiful
than all women in our village.

You have more teeth, too.

Wait, you said I was
beautiful without going...

(sucking teeth)

Who are you?

I tell you who I are.

I are Boris Squiggmanoff
of Russian Ballet.

Ooh, you're very good.

Not bad.

But today was not a good day.

My wife Viviana and I,

we try to defect.

But in bathroom, I hear KGB.

They catch her before she leave.

Yeah, there was some
ruckus going on here today.

Also, I hear KGB.

They-they-they take
handsome American man.

Man with... who wear pootchkie.

Pootchkie?

Pootch... pootchkie.

BOTH: Pootchkie.

Squiggy's got a pootchkie!

Yes, yes, yes, they take him.

Wait, if-if I thought
you was him,

then they must've
thought he was you.

(laughs)

Boy, are they in
for a big surprise!

No, no, I afraid, I
afraid your friend,

he in for big surprise.

Because once KGB
has him in his clutches,

then they will take his brain
and they will brainwash it.

Yeah, well, they're gonna
have to find it in order to wash it.

If KGB not find brain,

then they t*rture him real bad.

What, they're gonna
t*rture Squiggy?

Oh, bad.

Okay, Boris, we
got to do something.

Grab your stuff, you're gonna
come to the apartment with me.

SQUIGGY: Look, I told you
once, I told you a million times.

My name is Andrew
Squiggman, and I'm a Lutheran.

I'm also a procurer
of local talent

in the Hollywood area, okay?

Why don't you admit it?

You tried to defect to West!

I didn't try to defect
nowhere, all right?

Listen, fellas, don't
think this hasn't been fun,

'cause it hasn't.

But if it's all the
same with you,

I'm on my way, so adios, amoeba.

(grunting)

I can see you've
done this before.

Sit down...

comrade traitor.

Ooh. Ow!

You know, I don't
care if this is t*rture,

but he's just rude.

Shasta.

I apologize.

Well, you know, I mean, come on.

Look at the way he
dresses, you know?

You are, you are just nervous.

Yeah, of course I'm
nervous, I mean...

Would you like a
cigarette to relax you?

Oh, now you're talking,
thank you, thank you.

Would you prefer
maybe pack Viceroy?

I don't care.

Or would you prefer pack...

Red Square?!

Red Squares?

What's that, a
Communist quiz show?

- Stop this nonsense!
- Ow!

Gee whiz!

I'm telling you, you're
asking for it, pallie.

We will send wife in here.

- Wife?
- Perhaps she can talk

some sense into him.

Wife? Hey, wait a minute.

Me and Lenny are
just good friends.

I don't know what
they tell you in Russia.

Boy, you know, you're
neighbors with a guy,

and they start rumors...

Boris!

My darling.

Anything you say, cat face.

(kissing)

How can we do this under
the watchful eye of the KGB?

I'm just wondering how we
can do this under the table.

Oh, I love it when
you talk like this.

I love it when
you listen like this.

(kissing)

Wait a minute!

You are not my Boris.

Well, you ain't my Boris either.

But I won't tell
if you won't tell.

Nyet!

You do not understand.

- Huh?
- They think you are my husband Boris.

- Boris?
- We are members of the Russian Ballet.

If you do not dance
with me tonight,

they will do horrible
things to you.

Oh, I'm willing to take
my chances, come on.

No!

They will boil your
brain for breakfast.

Pickle your tongue for lunch.

Fry your kishkes for dinner.

It's all right, I've
lost my appetite.

- You must dance with me tonight.
- I must, huh?

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

If-if-if I can prove that
I ain't this Boris guy,

then-then they won't make
me dance for them, right?

Perhaps.

Let me think, let me think. Ah!

I bet you your
Boris can't do this.

(moaning)

They will not believe you.

(speaking gibberish)

Boris can do that
with his feet, too.

His two feet?

- Da!
- I got to meet this guy.

- Well, what am I gonna do?
- We're in trouble!

We are in very deep trouble,
I don't know what to do,

I don't even know how
the monetary system works

in this country, you got to
help me, you got to help me.

Ah, she did talk
some sense into you.

Well, not exactly,
but she is a fun date.

Oh! Again with the head!

Boy, I don't hold
grudges, buddy,

but I'm telling you,
you're really asking for it.

Collect that garbage.

Garbage, eh?

(chuckles)

All right, Squiggmanoff!

When pushkin

come to shovekin,

it's time for me to speak simple

in language you can understand.

(speaking Russian)

Which, as you know,
translates freely,

"If you don't dance

"Swan Lake tonight,

you won't walk tomorrow."

(Shasta chuckles)

Boris? Boris?

- (louder): Boris?
- (yells)

All right, I did it, I did it!

Please do not sh**t my goats!

Oh, oh, the whips, the...

Boris, Boris, relax, it's me.

- Oh?
- The one with the teeth.

The teeth. Laverne!

Yeah.

I made you a little drink
to help calm you down.

Ah, thank you very
much, thank you.

Cheers. To freedom!

To freedom.

Ah!

Is good.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Milk and Pepsi.

It's my fam...

It's an American tradition.

- Not true.
- It is so!

- Not true!
- It is so true!

Our mountain folk,
they drink it all the time.

Some live to be
150 years of old.

150 years?

Yes.

Can they still...?

I mean, do they still...?

Every chance they get.

- (doorbell rings)
- (yells)

The sirens, the KGB!
They are coming...!

(shushes) Quiet, Boris, Boris,
don't cry now, don't cry now.

Come on, get in the closet.
Just hide in the closet.

Get in there, go on. (shushes)

Who is it?

Hello. Uh, Clarke Montana,

- State Department.
- Oh.

Are you Laverne DeFluffio?

Oh, well, it's DeFazio.

Oh.

Oh, sorry. This-this
is my first big case.

I'm-I'm a little nervous.

Yeah, well, you can put
your library card away now.

- Oh. I'm sorry. Research.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

Very nice. Lovely picture.

Thank you.

I guess you can tell
Mr. Squiggmanoff

to come out of the closet now.

Your first case and you already
knew someone was hiding

in the closet. How'd
you know that?

I cheated.

I-I heard you through the door.

Ah. Okay.

Hey, Boris, come on out!

- Hi.
- Hello.

I'm Clarke Montana.

I know who you are! You
are from State Department,

United States of
America! Oh, I'm so happy

to be in your country. Mwah!

No, no, don't kiss the floor.

I kiss the ground from
which you walk on.

Yeah, I got it. Wait,
Mr. Squiggmanoff, wait, no.

- I stomp on the foot of the thief.
- Come on. Please, here.

Now just relax.
Just have a seat.

I take the lamb
of the blood, and...

There you go, take...
Breathe, just breathe, just...

So, what's the plan?

You-you mean, you want
me to have a plan, too?

Right!

Tonight is performance

of Russian Ballet
doing Swan Lake.

Of course, KGB will
have my Viviana there.

With your Squiggy, they
will dance Swan Lake!

(Laverne laughing)

Squiggy's gonna dance Swan Lake!

There's nothing
funny about that.

- Oh, this I got to see.
- You will.

It's probably the
only chance we'll have

to save his wife
and your friend.

ANNOUNCER: Now in Los Angeles,

the premiere performance
of the Russian Ballet.

(Swan Lake playing)

Okay, these costumes
got us backstage.

What next?

Now you go out onstage
and dance for Viviana.

This is the plan it took
you all day to come up with?

What, are you crazy?! I can't...

Okay, I'm going home.

Will you just stop
it? Just relax, relax.

Okay, I'll go out
there and dance.

Thank you.

Wonderful news!

You will be dancing
with my friend Ivan.

I tell Ivan everything.

He understands. He help us.

Well, I hope he
can help me dance.

Ow! Nuts!

I stubbed my toe! I-I-I
won't be able to go on.

I guess I'd best be leaving now.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Scholl.

Excuse me, fellas. I...

Well, all right, you
filthy mugs, I will go on.

But I want you to know, I
ain't gonna ever forget this.

I'll track you down!
I'll hunt you down!

And when I find you, I'll...

take you all out to lunch.

You boys like Chinese?

I don't see Squiggy anywhere.

He and Viviana should be
going onstage any moment now.

- Oh, oh, well, let's go.
- Let's hide behind the large thingy.

Come. It's time to dance.

Break a leg.

You leap like gazelle
tonight, or we break your neck.

- Come on!
- That sounds fair...

How am I doing?

Something I said?

I know you won't believe
this, but I'm a veteran.

What is he doing?

Making two fools of us!

(spits)

This Squiggman, he
dance like Ukrainian klutz!

Look! The girl
from the restaurant.

Fly, Viviana, fly!

Take care of her, Boris. See ya.

My Viviana!

They are escaping!

You get to the other
side and stop them.

I'll wait here.

- I'm in heaven.
- Come with me, Squigg.

I'm in heaven!

Squigg, they're gonna k*ll you.

This girl is special.
She's not like the others.

She don't speak English.

You don't understand!
This time, it really is love!

You don't understand! I...
this girl don't speak Eng...

Well, just don't stand
there. Get 'em in the car!

Don't worry, my friend. I
am Ivan. Just follow me.

I'm not worried. You just
have to help me dance.

And please don't make me dizzy.

Right leg, left leg.

And up.

(cheering)

They are gone!

What will we do?

Pack our bags for Siberia.

Thank you.

See you around.

Oh, that was great.
Now get back out there.

- Come on! I got 'em in the limousine!
- Why?

- I thought the plan worked.
- Stall!

I need time to get 'em to
the embassy safely. Come on!

(applause continues)

What's happen now?

We got to stall.

Okay, we try.

Maestro...

(speaks Russian)

(repeats Russian)

(music plays)

Just follow me.

Skip!

It's okay, your turn. Go.

(speaks Russian)

Oh, boy!

(speaks Russian)

(music ends, applause)

(music resumes)

- Uh, look, Squigg, uh...
- Yeah?

I want to take a shower.

All that dancing made these
tights rub me the wrong way.

Yeah, sure...

Laverne, uh, uh, would you
mind sitting down for a second?

May I join you?

You know, Laverne,
I'm kind of a funny duck.

Yes.

And I-I don't often use the
word "thank you," you know?

Doesn't sound right
coming out of me, you know?

I always pride myself on being
kind of ungrateful, you know?

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, well, I was,
uh, I was just supposing,

I mean, I was
thinking out loud kinda,

and I was thinking, like,
you know, let's say, let's say

that someone like me
was to say, you know,

that what I said before,
like, to someone, someone,

someone like you.
You know what I mean?

Like a day like today, I mean...

- Uh, Squigg...
- Yeah?

Would this be
easier for you to say

if I put a bag over my
head or something?

Oh, please, don't go
to any trouble for me.

- Laverne...
- Hmm?

What I really want to say is...

Well, I just wanted to say...

thank you for saving me tonight.

Come on, you can laugh.

I don't want to laugh, Squigg,
being thanked is a nice thing.

Aw, it's stupid.

It's not stupid.

Come on. Why, wha-what
does it make you feel like?

A girl.

(humming)

(gasping)

Oh, gee! Over there.

Your order.

(exclaiming)

- Ah.
- Ah.

My friend.

My back.

Well...

I have come to say good-bye

to my beautiful
American dancing partner.

And to, to show you this.

Look at that.

A review.

Yes. But, uh, maybe
you could help me with

a couple of few words
I didn't understand.

Oh, in English? Sure.

"Last night, Russian
Ballet staged a...

petit... pate..."

"Pathetic."

What means "pathetic"?

Do you know what "good" means?

Yes.

"Pathetic" means "very good."

And what means this?

"Atrocious"?

Yes.

Ah, better than pathetic.

Oh. And this one?

"Abominable."

Uh, that's the best.

Ah, good.

That is big "loaf" off my mind.

Now, you will dance
with us again next year?

Oh-oh, no, no, no.

I think I, uh, gave
up my ballet career.

My feet cramp in
them little shoes.

Well, before I
go, (clears throat)

perhaps I could, uh,
ask you for little favor.

Anything you want.

(Ivan gasps)

Then we'll have 14 order
pathetic chicken to go

and 17 order
atrocious ribs to go.

Your food is really abominable,

and it is long way
back to Moskva.

You got it.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪