08x18 - Please Don't Feed the Buzzards

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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08x18 - Please Don't Feed the Buzzards

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I hate for you boys to
have to see me like this.

Boy, there's nothing I hate
worse than spring cleaning.

Laverne, you'll
never guess what.

We was at the swap
meet, and we got ourselves

- some authentic hair-looms.
- Yeah.

Oh, well, please don't
bring that junk in here.

I'm doing my spring cleaning.

Oh, look, we don't care
how dirty your springs are,

- Laverne; we're family.
- Yeah, you ain't kidding.

Hey, look at this, Laverne.

This is what they call
a noble art sculpture.

Squiggy, that's a football
with a pitchfork through it.

- She's right. That's even better.
- Oh, then that's good.

I'm happy with that. Well,
if that don't impress you,

what about this suitcase, huh?

I bet it was lost by
somebody really important,

like, oh, I don't
know, Emilio Airhead

- or someone like that.
- Could be.

It's Amelia Earhart.

And she crashed
alone over 40 years ago.

Besides, she would never
have a suitcase that said,

"Hawaii, Land of
Pineapples" on it. Now, get out.

Oh, maybe I don't know
everything, Miss Samsonite.

- (groaning, coughing)
- Oh, well, look,

I'm going outside
to b*at this rug.

If you guys are not out of
here by the time I get back,

I'm gonna be forced to
have to b*at the two of you.

Boy, I tell you, how
stupid can you get?

I mean, I understand
kicking a dog, rolling a drunk,

but b*ating a rug... I mean,
that is a victimless crime.

- Sick. Sick. That's our sick society.
- Yeah.

That's-that's the television
generation, Lenny.

- I think you're right.
- I've been warning you about them.

In comic books, you
don't learn that stuff.

If this bag... if this bag

is really from Hawaii,
then maybe there's

- an old airline ticket in it or something.
- Doubt it.

Oh, I've always
wanted to see Hulalulu.

Put away your pineapples, Mama.

Len's gonna be late for dinner.

There... Hey, I was right!

I was right! There's a ticket!

Let me see that.

This ain't no ticket.

It's a old map.

It probably came from a
Flying A station or something.

Uh, so we bid
hello-ha to A-wai-hee,

where the pua pua lina lina

- swim by the mucky wu...
- Lenny.

Stop thinking.

Well, I mean... I mean,
you can start thinking now,

because... what I'm
about to do is gonna

fill your head with ideas
like you never heard before.

- What are you talking about?
- Come on.

Close that door,
close that door!

I'll check the phone.

- Good, it's working.
- Wha... I don't get it.

We can't let the rest
of the world in on this.

This is top secret. You
understand what I'm saying?

- Top secret.
- What do you mean, top secret

- about a-a Flying A map?
- This is just...

Oh, shut up! This is
not a Flying A map!

This is something special.

"Follow the line of
the speckled rocks

"of the Mohave Desert

- to the cactus shaped like a arrow."
- Oh yeah.

Yeah, and then
there's a giant "X."

That's how I used
to sign my name

before I learned to spell "L."

No, no, no, this guy
could spell his name.

He spelled it, in fact.
He signed it "Padre."

- Padre.
- Yeah.

And the "X" must be the spot
where he buried his treasure!

And "Padre" means
"pardon me" in Spanish!

He was apologizing for
making it so hard to find!

- Yeah, I bet he was.
- It all fits.

Sure, it does. Well, listen,
it won't be that hard to find

if we're working on it together.

Lenny, you and I are
going on a treasure hunt.

Treasure hunt. Are we...
are we gonna be rich?

Are we gonna be rich?
We'll be richer than rich.

Why, we'll be lighting our
cigars with silver dollars.

Oh.

Now, all we need to do is
find a map to some cigars.

(Squiggy clears throat)

Now, remember, Len...

if anyone asks about these hats,

you simply reply, "What hats?"

- What hats?
- These hats.

- Oh. Okay. I got it.
- You see what I mean?

- I got it. I got it.
- See what I mean?

See what I mean? (clears throat)

Excuse me, Mr. DeFazio, ahem,
ahem, excuse me, excuse me.

- Sure.
- Uh, Leonard and I are thinking

of going on a little, uh,
trip, if you will, and, uh,

we'll need some grubstake.

So... here is my list,
oh, King of Cooks.

What hats?

Uh, not-not now.

Save it, save it. That was
a good reading, but save it.

Save it. Save it. Well, do
you think you can help us out?

- Yeah, I could help you out.
- Aw, good.

If you got the money,
I could help you out.

No money, no food.

There's always a
catch, isn't there?

- There's always a catch.
- CARMINE: Hey, uh, hey, guys,

how come you guys
are wearing those hats?

- Now, Len.
- What?

- Now, Len.
- Oh. What treasure?

What...

- What do you mean, what treasure?
- No, no, no, he means

what pleasure we get from
seeing you every day, Carmine.

I tell you, you certainly
do brighten up our day.

And, uh, what a pleasure it is

doing business with
you, Mr. DeFazio.

I'll tell you what,

when we get back from our trip,

we'll pay you
double for the food.

(cackling)

- (cackles)
- What are you laughing at?

If you can't pay me now,
what makes you think

you'll be able to
pay me later double?

'Cause then we'll
have all of the gold.

Gold? What gold?
Hey, you guys got gold?

Oh, that's just great, Len.
Why don't you tell them

about the treasure
map while you're at it?

Map? What map? What gold?

What hats?

(mutters) All right, all right,

I can see you guys
are too shrewd for me.

I'll let you in on
it. Follow me.

- Please don't crowd.
- Don't crowd, don't crowd.

Please, give me
some air, air, air.

While we was at the swap
meet, we picked up this little item.

It is a genuine,
certified treasure map.

- Found in a suitcase.
- Mm-hmm, that's right.

Look at that.

North, south, east, west.

All in the right
places. Look at that.

That proves they didn't draw it.

This must be legit...
This is the real thing.

- Squiggy...
- Frankie.

- I'm gonna make you a deal.
- Fine.

I will supply the food

if you make me a
partner and take me along.

- Mm, mm, mm, mm.
- I'll make you a partner, all right.

- Yeah?
- I'll even take you along.

- Yeah?
- But only if you supply the food.

LENNY: Aha!

Ha!

- Deal.
- Fine.

Why do older men
find me so attractive?

- I don't know.
- Wait a minute, hold it, hold it.

Hey, not so fast, not so fast.

You're forgetting
one little small detail.

I was the one that gave you the
money to go to the swap meet,

so I think it's only fair that
I get a little small portion

- of that fortune, too.
- No way, Josie.

We ain't gonna let you
in on a million dollars

just because you lent
us a few measly bucks.

Good. Give me the four
bucks you owe me right now.

Welcome aboard.
It'll be great to have

a leading man on our
safari. Come with me.

Now, look, I'm not
gonna kiss you, though.

- Oh, hey, Mr. DeFazio?
- Yeah?

Yeah, I-I'm gonna
take this along with us,

'cause it's gonna get really
hot out there in the desert.

(Frank cackling)

How are you gonna
use that out in the desert?

Same way I do at home.

See you.

I knew we shouldn't have
listened to you, I knew that!

We're wandering
around, we're lost.

We're in the middle of nowhere!

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

According to my map, we have
about two and a half miles to go

before we reach nowhere.

Nah, Mr. DeFazio's
right, we're lost.

And I'm hungry.

I say we stop here

and eat some of that
fried chicken we brought.

Well, you can't do that.

Why not?

Well, I ate the fried chicken.

You ate the fried chicken?

Yes, I ate the fried chicken.

Well, what about the ribs?

I ate the ribs, too.

- You ate the ribs?
- Mm-hmm.

What about the potato salad?

Oh, I ate the potato salad.

You ate all the food?

Yeah, you remember
that enormous burp

you heard outside of Barstow?

SQUIGGY (chuckling): Yes.

If we ever get
out of this alive...

Yeah?

- I'm going to k*ll you.
- Yes?

In this dog meets dog world,

it's every dog for
hisself, you understand?

Oh, come on, come
on, come on, don't argue.

Listen, if we're gonna
be stuck out here together,

let's, uh, let's make
the best of the situation.

- Okay, okay...
- LENNY: That's fine with me...

- It's too hot to argue.
- Yeah. -It is too hot.

Let's bed down for the night.

Tomorrow morning... In
the cool of the morning...

We'll have plenty
of time to argue.

- Fine with me, fine with me.
- Can't argue with you there.

LENNY: Hold it.

I'm, uh, having a slight
case of difficulty here.

Yeah? Complain,
complain, complain.

You're no fun on a trip.

Just move over, would you?

You know, Mr. DeFazio,
I hate to say this,

but, uh, this is beginning
to look like a bad idea.

FRANK: Eh...

Bad idea?

If you don't like it so much,

why don't you wait for the
next camel to come along,

and hop the next
hump out of here?

Hey, listen, Squigg, I'm
out here, too, you know.

I want my share
of the treasure, too.

- I want my share of the treasure.
- Fine, fine.

I was hoping it wouldn't come
to this, but I'm afraid it has.

We'll split it in
quarters. Here.

Here you go, here's
your quarter, Mr. Ragusa,

and here's your
quarter, Mr. DeFazio,

and this is our two quarters.
What do you say, Len, huh?

Yeah, good, that's fine with us.

That's fine with us, too.

It's every man for
hisself, like I said before.

CARMINE: Good.

It's your fault.

What do you mean, it's my fault?

If you didn't give them the
money, we wouldn't be here.

It's not my fault.

I was the one that
said let's drive away

when they were weighing
themselves on the truck scale.

We're not gonna
get rich arguing.

Maybe we can put
something together over here.

All right, I got east, I got
east. What do you got?

Oh, Lenny, you
have a phone call.

Lenny, you have a phone call.

That's funny, I... I didn't
tell anyone where I'd be.

What are you talking about?

You don't have a phone
call. It's me, it's me.

- I can see who it is.
- Oh, my God, look at this.

Those two jerks have the part
of the map that means nothing.

We got the part of the map

that shows where
the treasure is buried.

So what we do is,
tomorrow morning,

when these guys are
asleep, we sneak away,

we go to where the treasure
is and we split it evenly, 40/40.

Yeah.

Yeah, we don't need those jerks.

We have each other.

Yeah.

(coughing)

Hey, Squigg?

Huh?

I think we're lost.

Yeah.

Well, maybe leaving
that trail of sand behind us

instead of bread crumbs
wasn't such a hot idea, huh?

Yeah.

Didn't it work for Hansel
and Gretel, though?

Well, "Hansel and
Gretel" was a girl's book.

- Yeah.
- Of course it worked for them.

Still, I thought it
was based on fact.

Fact?

You want to know fact?

Look around us, this is fact.

We are standing in fact.

We are sinking in fact.

In fact, we are lost!

Well, uh...

can't we at least stop
and eat something?

I-I... at least we'll
get lost slower.

All right, but just don't whine.

I'm not whining.
I just want to eat.

All right, all right.

Would you like to eat here,

or would you rather wait

- for the next Howard Johnson's?
- No.

Uh, it's too hot
for fried clams.

- Yeah.
- We'll eat here.

(Squiggy mumbling)

I got a little
peanut butter here.

- That's about all that's left.
- I don't care what you got.

- Have enough problems of my own.
- Oh, God, I love this stuff.

Yeah, you love peanut
butter and I love this stuff.

Mmm...

(muffled): Water...

Water.

(mumbling)

Water! Water!

Aah. Sorry. What?

Water!

(Squiggy coughs)

Hey, we're fresh out.

Oh. I'm thirsty, you know?

Well, listen,

I didn't ask you for any of
your peanut butter, you know.

You got the peanut
butter, I got the water.

Fair is fair. That's the way

- things go.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, look, if you want
something to drink,

then why don't you think
of something that, uh...

that makes you drool?

I'll think about water.
That'll make me drool.

All right, fine.
That's-that's...

That's a good choice.
That'll make you drool.

Water... with legs.

What water? What legs?

What hats?

Hi, Lenny.

How about a nice, cool drink?

Oh, yes, Rhonda.

Yeah, I'll have a
glass of water, please,

uh, and could you bring
some water with that?

And, also, uh, I'd like to
start with some water, please.

Would you like something
to drink with that?

Maybe later.

Lenny? Lenny, don't you
understand what's happening?

- Uh...
- You-you-you-you-you-you-you...

You're having yourself a mirage.

You're having yourself a mirage.

Your mind is
playing tricks on you.

No, no, she's real. I
can almost touch her.

Really?

Where can you almost touch her?

- Her face.
- Must be a short woman.

Here, Lenny. Drink up.

(bell tinkling)

I'm sorry, Lenny.

That water belonged to
a mirage down the way.

I'll deliver yours
on... Thursday.

(bells tinkling)

Thursday? Sure, Thursday!

We'll wait around for you all
day, and you'll never show.

Just like the gas company.

Lenny, get hold of yourself.

Don't you understand
what's happening?

Your mind's playing
tricks on your brains!

- Oh, it's doing a real good job, too.
- Yeah.

Oh, come on, let's get out of
here before it gets any weirder.

- What?
- All right, I don't know how we'll do it,

but we must find that treasure.

And weak and tired as we may be,

we must not stop until
that treasure is ours.

Carry me.

On to Aqaba!

Look, Mr. DeFazio, I
checked everywhere.

No trace of 'em.


No, huh? Maybe
they're buried in the sand.

- Give me your Kn*fe, I'll poke around.
- No, no.

No, no, forget about it.

Uh, Lenny's coloring
book is missing.

They're definitely gone.

(groans)

Hey, listen, uh, do you
think there's a chance

that Lenny and Squiggy
found the treasure?

Are you kidding?

Just because they got the map

that shows where the
treasure's been buried,

under a cactus
shaped like an arrow,

if they were standing
right next to it,

they'd be too stupid to know.

A cactus shaped like an arrow?

- Nah!
- Nah!

That only happens in
movies. We're rich! We're rich!

Ah, that's it! We're rich!

- Let's go! In!
- We're rich!

Over here, baby. I got a
shovel. Come on. (laughs)

Everything we ever wanted
right here in the sand.

Look at that. Look at that. Boy.

- Hep, hep, hep. Where is it?
- Aah!

(Frank groans)

Boy, this is a lot better

than the last time I
was digging in the sand.

Mr. DeFazio, don't
ruin a beautiful moment

with another story
about Anzio Beach.

What Anzio Beach?

I'm talking about
Coney Island in '47.

Ah.

That's when I lost
my keys to my cabana.

Well, you'll have enough money
to buy all the cabanas you want,

even the Copacabana!

We can throw our money away
on things that are totally useless.

(Frank laughs)

Hello! Hello!

Clear the runway.
Clear the runway.

The dog has kibbles
and no place to go.

Water. Oh, water.

I got peanut butter in my teeth.

Water. Water. Come
on, pass them water.

- Oh! -Oh!
- Be caref... be careful with that!

FRANK: Ah.

Hey, Lenny, come on,
that's all the water we got!

Don't worry, Carmine. We
got a delivery coming Thursday.

Wait a minute! The treasure!

- Oh! Oh!
- That's the treasure!

- Quick. Quick. Come on.
- I want that treasure!

- Come on. -Wait a minute.
- The treasure!

Hold it! Hold it!

We're partners.

We share alike, okay?

All right.

Let's open it and
see what's in it.

- (lid squeaking)
- Careful.

Oh.

What-what is it, old man?

Napoleon Brandy.

He was my favorite president.

"Bottled in France, 1853."

Ugh! Just our luck,
we get an old bottle.

No. Forget it.

Rich people collect
things like this.

Do you know something?

This bottle could
be worth $5,000.

(Lenny gasps)

- $5,000 for one bottle?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe they buried a six-pack.
We could be millionaires!

Dead millionaires
unless we get out of here.

Well, let's find a highway.

We get on it, and pretty soon,
a car's got to go by! Okay?

Yeah, with our luck, it'll be
going the wrong direction.

Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

Hey, guys, wait up.

(birds squawking)

(footsteps)

(soft groaning)

Oh, I can't take another step.

According to my map
here, you don't have to.

We're as good as dead.

Ain't nothing to drink
around within miles.

Oh, yes, there is.

Oh, no, there ain't!

I wouldn't drink $5,000 if it
was made of paper money.

What good is $5,000 if
you're too dead to spend it?!

Don't tell me what's good...

Hey, hey, hey,
oh, let's do the...

Let's do the democratic
way. Let's take a vote.

I vote for Miss New Jersey.

You nitwit, that's
not what we...

Oh, no! Voting's over.

- I'm opening the bottle.
- No, you're not!

I will drink no wine
before its time.

Come on, Squigg.

(all clamoring)

- (cork pops)
- Oh, no!

Look, now it ain't
worth nothing.

Look, the cork's out.

The seal's broken. Drink it up.

Hey, hey, aren't you
supposed to sniff it

and swish it around
in your mouth first?

Come on, Len, we
ain't got time for that.

This is life or death.

We ain't got time to do
what David Niven would do.

- (coughs)
- Ooh.

- Let me...
- Smooth.

- Yes, yes.
- Ooh. -(whistles)

Gee, I hope I get the worm.

- To life!
- To life!

L'chaim!Life.

Mr. DeFazio?

Yeah? Yeah. (laughs)

May I call you "Jay"?

Yeah. (mutters)

I love you, Jay.

Oh...

I love you, Jay, I do.

Aw, aw.

- Squiggy?
- Yes, Jay?

You're the son I never wanted.

That's just what my
father used to say.

(Carmine coughs, Frank laughs)

You know, I remember my father.

Where's the bottle?

There it is.

You know, I remember

my father used to sit me
up on his knee and say,

"Son, someday,
we'll have two chairs."

(laughter)

(Carmine coughs)

Two ch... (laughs)

Your father sounds like a
lovely man. He really does.

No, you're-you're-you're...
you're right.

You're not wrong.

(laughter)

Where's Lenny?

Is Lenny here?

I'm here, Squigg. I'm over here.

- Lenny?
- Yeah.

You never knew this,
but you were my friend.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really.

And, well, I don't
want to rush things,

but should someday

the Grim Reefer
come by my doorstep

and knock on my bell...

I want you to have
my autographed picture

of Raymond Burr
without his shirt on.

(Lenny cries, Frank laughs)

Oh, Squiggy, oh, Squiggy.

That's touching,
that's touching.

You know, if you die first,

I'm gonna leave
it right back to you.

Oh, good. Then I
know where it is.

- Night and day.
- Oh, thanks.

That's beautiful.
That's beautiful.

Why couldn't we be this
close when we were alive?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- One for all and all for one.
- All for one.

(Frank laughs)

Look, we've d*ed
and gone to Venus.

Terrific. Another bunch
gone wacky in the sun.

(guys laugh)

Shh!

We come in peace.

We are Earthlings.

(high voice): This
is my friend, Jay.

FRANK (slurring):
Hi. How are you?

My name is Squiggy.

How do you do?

What are you doing here?

- (Squiggy whines)
- LENNY: They speak English.

This is a m*llitary test site.

Now, I hate to
break up your picnic,

but there's a b*mb set
to go off here in one hour.

Oh, great, we
got an hour to live.

I thought we were dead already.

I did, too.

We got 60 minutes.

Hey, you got... you
got to forgive us.

We're a little drunk.
That's okay, though.

- Hilarious.
- Well, if you stick around here,

you're gonna get a hangover
that glows in the dark.

"Glows in the dark"! (laughs)

You see that Jeep?

I see both of them.

Just get in the Jeep,

and I'll drive you and
your entourage out of here.

- Ooh, our entourage is...
- Wait a minute, Lenny.

What? What? What?
What is... what is it?

That bottle, whether it's
got something in it or not,

it's still got to be worth $200.

- Yeah?
- So don't tell anyone.

Just keep it under your hat.

- What hat?
- I...

Boy, I hate spring cleaning

no matter what time of
the year it is, you know?

- Mm-hmm.
- Look at all this junk.

Oh, isn't this
just the tackiest?

Rhonda, these are
the things I'm keeping.

Oh.

It's nice.

Look at this.

This is my first corsage.

Joey Ponatelli gave it to me.

Boy, he hurt me bad.

Oh, poor Laverne.

Did he leave you for another?

No, he stuck the pin in me.

Ladies...

we're off on another quest.

This time in search
of the Noah's Ark.

Yes, we feel it might
have crashed somewhere

near Griffith Park.

There have been
numerous animal sightings

- in that neighborhood.
- Mm-hmm.

Guys, it's a zoo up there.

Ah, we don't care how
hectic it is, Laverne.

- We've got an ark to look for.
- Yes.

So come, fellow traveler,
with me as we unravel

all the mysteries of Noah's Ark.

Mystery number one:

Did the animals
play shuffleboard?

Mystery number two:

Why did they play shuffleboard
if they did play shuffleboard?

- Mystery number three:
- What is shuffleboard?

I don't understand.

Rhonda, sometimes you
just got to wonder, you know?

God, in all his wisdom,
saved two of every species,

but what was he thinking
about when he saved those two?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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