08x22 - Here Today, Hair Tomorrow

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.
Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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08x22 - Here Today, Hair Tomorrow

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪


♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Mr. DeFazio?

- Yeah.
- Can I talk to you?

Rhonda, I'm not a psychiatrist.

I run a little restaurant.

I don't make money
talking to people

unless they got
food in their mouths.

Well, all right, um,

then I'll order something
and maybe we can talk, okay?

Okay, okay, let's do that.

Uh, what's your soup of the day?

Same as it's been
all week, split pea.

Is it good?

Rhonda, today's Friday.

We made it Monday.
Use your head.

How good could it be?

Well, how's the chili?

Mary, a bowl of
split pea for Rhonda!


Uh, look, Mr. DeFazio,

I know this may sound crazy,

and I know that I shouldn't
butt into other people's business,

but I think that Carmine

is going to k*ll himself.

What makes you
say a thing like that?

Well, he had the gas
turned off in his apartment.

Rhonda, you don't commit
su1c1de by turning the gas off.

You turn the gas on.

Oh, oh.

Thank you, Mary.

Well, he also had his
phone disconnected,

he broke off
with his girlfriend,

sold all of his furniture,

and quit his job at the
singing telegram place.

Rhonda, how can you
sit here and eat soup?

The man's gonna commit su1c1de!

Come on, let's go
look for him, let's go!

Oh, Mr. DeFazio, how do
you think he's gonna do it?

With a g*n?

Maybe pills.

Maybe jumping off the building.

- Let's go.
- Oh... oh!

Hey, Mr. DeFazio, give me a
great big bowl of your pea soup.

Oh, no, you don't,
not with my soup.

Oh, come on, Mr. DeFazio,

it's my last meal
at Cowboy Bill's.

Oh, Carmine!

You're a young man.

You know, you have
everything to live for.

Yeah, you can order
anything you want.

How about a steak sandwich?

Ah, I can't, I'm broke.

It's on the house,
it's on the house.

Well, yeah, and you can
have a piece of pie, too.


Hey, why are you
being so nice to me?

Do you know what I'm planning?

Carmine, listen to me.

Mr. DeFazio, don't
try to talk me out of it.

My mind is made up.

I'm going to New York
to become an actor.

Oh, Carmine,

- I know you're gonna make it.
- Aw.

Oh, you're a good
actor and a great dancer,

and I love the way you sing.

But if you flop and decide

to commit su1c1de,

there'll always be
a steak sandwich

waiting for you here
at Cowboy Bill's.

Thanks, Rhonda.

That's nice to know.

How about you, Mr. DeFazio?

Do you feel the same way?

How much you want?

Look, it's not like

I want to borrow anything.

Well, it's not like I want
to lend you anything.

You see, I got some
money saved up,

but I need just
a little bit more,

and I thought, well, you
two being my friends,

I'd give you first sh*t
at investing in me.

(chuckling): Well, I've got $50,

- Carmine.
- Yeah?


Well, gee, thanks, Rhonda.

Hey, you won't regret it.

Oh, Rhonda regrets nothing.

Well, I was gonna invest in you

when you was gonna be a fighter.

Maybe they got the same
thing up on Broadway.

I mean, I know you can b*at up

all the guys in,
uh, Hello, Dolly!

Well... (mutters)

Oh, come on,
Mr. DeFazio, please?

All right, all right, all right.

- Yeah?
- All right, all right.

- (muttering)
- Gee, thanks.

(bell dings)


The jukebox made more
money last month than I did.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Well, uh...

I guess I'm gonna be going.

Go ahead, get out of
here, but don't forget us.

Look, Mr. DeFazio,

all these years
you've yelled at me.

- True.
- You insulted me.

- Yeah.
- You've taken me for granted.


You've been just
like a father to me.

All right, all right, all right!

Enough talking; it ain't like
you're committing su1c1de.




- You've always been like a sister to me.
- Oh.


But I'll get over it.

Keep moving; you're
losing momentum.

- Go ahead, go ahead.
- You, why don't you watch the door?

Hey, Laverne,
what's going on here?

- Huh?
- You look pretty happy

for somebody who just
had their bed repossessed.

Mm-mm. I sold
them, both of them.

I finally got myself
enough money

to buy me a super deluxe,
queen-size water bed

from Ed's Water Bed City.

Well, it's not actually
the super deluxe.

It's just the deluxe.

It doesn't come with
the wave machine.

Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, well, don't be.

I didn't want the wave machine.

I mean, you know
how easy I get seasick.

What's the matter?

Well, Laverne, I-I'm
fed up, Laverne.

I-I can't take any more.

I-I can't do another
stupid singing telegram.

I can't do another dumb odd job.

I've just had it.

I woke up this morning,
I looked into the mirror,

I said, "Carmine, you Big Ragoo,

"you got what it takes,

but you ain't gonna
have it forever."

Now, Laverne, all I
need to stake me is

another hundred dollars
so I can go to New York

and make it on
Broadway, Laverne.

I know I can make
it; I got to give it a try.

And, well,

I know you've been saving
for your water bed and...

Oh, forget about it.

Never mind.

Want me to loan
you a hundred bucks?



No, I want you to
have it, Carmine.

- Nah.
- Take it, Carmine.

- Nah.
- One more "nah" and it's nah.


Thanks, Laverne.

A-A-And, look, I just want you
to know that this is not a loan.

It's an investment.

'Cause, uh, you're gonna
get a percentage of me for this.

- Yeah?
- And when I make it, lady,

you are gonna be one rich lady.

I'm not worried about it.

Oh, Carmine.

Oh, boy,

are you making the right move.

- I know you are, and you do have it.
- Ah, thanks.


- When are you leaving?
- Tomorrow.

- Oh - Yeah, 'cause
every day I'm here

is a day I'm not there.

Yeah, well, Wayne Fontana
and the Mindbenders

couldn't have said that better.


You know, I'll tell you,

I-I thought it'd be much
harder to say good-bye.


You know something?

I was right.

I'm really gonna
miss you, Laverne.

I'm gonna miss you, Carmine.


Carmine, you Big Ragoo, you.

Go on, get out of here
before you make me cry.

And-and, Laverne,
I want you to know,

you're gonna get paid back
all your money, I promise.

I'm not worried.

I've still got
friends in Brooklyn

who think "break a leg"
means "break a leg."

They got to catch me first.


Break a leg, huh?



(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me, uh,

is this where they're
having the auditions?

Are you a producer?


Excuse me.

Yeah. I'm a producer.

Is this where they're
having the auditions?


Why don't you stand over there
with the rest of the producers?

Thank you.

Okay, listen up,
people, listen up.

We've got 900
people waiting outside,

so let's get organized.

So I want all dancers
who can sing over there,

all singers who dance... (snaps)

over there.

Everyone else, figure
out what you are.

I'll be back in five minutes.

I'll know by then.



Hey, Mr. Producer,
you new in town?

Maybe. How could you
tell I wasn't from New York?

You look happy.

- Yeah?
- Hi, I'm Rick West.

Carmine Ragusa. How you doing?

Hey, Carmine, maybe
you can help me.

According to the obituaries,
Henry P. Katzman just died.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Why? It's great.

It means the
apartment is vacant.

I know the building.

It can't be more than
a hundred dollars tops.


I need someone
to split the rent.

What do you say?

Wait, hold on. You,
you just met me.

I'm a total stranger to you.

Why-why would you
be so nice to me?

Uh, it's just a hunch,

but I don't think we're gonna
be competing for the same parts.

You're right. You're
much taller than I am.

(Rick clears throat,
Carmine chuckles)

Besides, I got to
move fast on this place.

Yes or no?

I mean, if you need a
place and you got 50 bucks,

and you're not afraid
of catching what, uh,

Mr. Katzman died of,
what's there to be afraid of?

Well, you know, I-I
do have 50 bucks,

and, uh, I am
looking for a place.

What's the problem?

Well, let me ask you a question.

Uh, let's say we were
roommates, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh,

what would you rather
be doing on a Friday night,

at a hockey game
watching the Rangers

or in the locker room
watching the Rangers?


Look at those tight shoes.

What was it you were asking me?

Never mind, you're a
hockey fan and a roommate.

All right! I liked it better
when you were shorter.

Hey, no short jokes, all right?

Hey, on 2nd Avenue there was
another place I was looking at.

Oh, hey, yeah, I just
come from 2nd and 3rd...

All right, kids, come on,
stay with me, stay with me.

Hey, are we gonna start soon?

I got another
audition this afternoon.

(chuckling): Oh, that's too bad.

Due to technical difficulties

the audition has been delayed.

The producer hasn't paid me yet!

(chuckles) We'll
start after lunch.

Hey, great!

Hey, now we'll get a lot of
time to go look for an apartment.

Yeah, yeah, but
first I'm starved.

I got to get something
to eat, all right?

- Yeah, I could eat, too.
- Okay.

Hey, listen, uh, do you know

where I can get lunch
for under a buck?

(scoffs) Under a buck?

I said it first.

Now, look, here's what we'll do.

We'll go into an office.
We'll say that we're going out

- for lunch orders, right?
- Yeah.

They'll send us for sandwiches.

We'll get a couple of rolls.

We take a piece of meat
from each of the sandwiches.

If we move real fast,
we'll get a quarter tip.

- You're smart.
- Hey, I'm from New York.

I see here you were

in One Flew over
the Cuckoo's Nest?

I never saw it.

What did you play?

I was the lead.

Uh... the cuckoo.

Thank you very much.


So, why do you want
to be in this show?

The theater is my life,

my passion, my
whole reason for living.

Thank you very much.

Why do you want
to be in this show?


Thank you.


What if the director asks
me what my last job was?

What do I tell him?

First rule of acting: lie.


Not too big.

Mr. Ragusa... what
was your last job?

Singing telegrams.

Don't lie to me.

All right. Thank
you all for coming.

You're all beautiful.

Will the following
please stay and read?

Debbie, Ian, Bonnie,

Rick, Carmine, Roger,

Al, Heather, Sarah...

RICK: No place like home, eh?

CARMINE: You're right,
this is no place like home.

Hey, let me ask you
something, all right?

Now, you've been in this
business for a long time, right?

You think we've got
any kind of chance

of getting a part in this show?

I mean, there were
a lot of people there.


Look, yesterday
there were 600 people.

Now they're down to
350, and we're still in it!

So, what you're saying is

we've gone from a
snowball's chance in hell

to a snowball's chance in Miami.

- Right.
- All right.

I wish we had as good a chance
as a snowball in this apartment.

You know it's freezing in here?

Look, three or four months
from now it's gonna be summer,

then you're gonna be
complaining it's too hot.

Probably will be too hot.

Ooh, speaking of hot, hey,
did you see that blonde chick

- I was talking to at the audition?
- Yeah, I saw her.

Hey, you know, we're gonna have

to work out some kind of
a system, you know that?

I mean, you know, date
night, we bring a guest up here.

- Three people in an apartment...
- Carmine, Carmine, Carmine!

You'd take out a girl

who would come up
to a place like this?

You're right.

I'll find a girl with
her own apartment.


Well, you know, as
good as this dinner is,

I think we'd better
call it a night.

- Right.
- We've got to be,

we've got to be professional...

professional actors,

and get plenty of rest,

and be ready for tomorrow!

You mean, we can't
afford to go to the movies.

- Right.
- Why didn't you say it?

Well... (sighs)

pleasant dreams,
and sleep tight.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean,
no, no, no, no, no?

Last night you had the couch.

Tonight it's your
turn for the...

- master bedroom.
- Master bedroom...

Mm-hmm. Fair is fair.

Yeah, all right.

Oh... mind cleaning
off the master bedroom?

I'm sorry.

It wasn't my turn. (chuckles)


(Rick hooting with laughing)

Ha-ha, oo-hoo-hoo to you, too.

Tomorrow we definitely
get that leak fixed, all right?

Why do they got to put
the cast list right up there

where everybody can see it?

Carmine, will you relax?

I mean, what if you
don't get the part?

Everybody knows about it.

It doesn't matter whether
you get the part or not.


You got to remain
cool, you got to be cool.

- Cool?
- You got to walk cool.

Step, slide.

Go check out the list.

I wish I was as cool as you.



I got it! I got it!

Whoo, Lord, have
mercy! I got it!

- (Rick whoops)
- Uh, that's... okay, Rick.

You're being very
cool, Rick, that's cool.

Oh. I lost it for a moment.

I'm back now. I'm cool.


You check out the list.

- CARMINE: All right.
- (Rick laughs)

- Walk cool.
- Walk cool.

We'll work on the walk.

I'm cool... I'm cool.

- I'm cool.
- Okay... (laughs)

Hey, Carmine,
you look really cool.

This is not cool, Rick.

It's failure.

I didn't get the part.

- Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
- Aw...

Sinatra used to do
singing telegrams

before he got his first break.

He did?

Probably not. I'm just
trying to make you feel better.

Aw, thanks.

Besides, did you take a look

at the "Dancers Who Sing" list?

Why should I? I signed
up as a singer who dances.

- You didn't look?
- Nah, there's no reason to.

- (exasperated sigh)
- Ah, this is my first audition.

I was expecting too
much. You've been around.

Uh, does the name
Carmella Ragusa

mean anything to you?

Carmella Ragusa?

My mother's in the show?

Carmella Ragu...
Carmella Ragu...!

That must be me!

They must have just
misspelled my name, that's all!

Carmell... Carmell...

Hey, hey, there can't be another
Carmella Ragusa, can there?

I don't know, there's a
"Naugie Dogpocket" up there.

No, no, Carmella
Ragusa, that's me!

I made it! I made it!

I'm a star!

I'm a... Mwah!

Hi, I'm Carmella
Ragusa, I'm in the show.

- We made it!
- We made it, baby!

BOTH: We made it!
We made it! We ma...

- We're cool.
- We're cool.

- We're cool. Mm-hmm.
- We're cool.

- Mm-hmm.
- Really cool.

- Yes, we're cool.
- We're cool.

Quite some job, too.

We're cool.

(phone ringing)


If nobody's d*ad
or hurt, I don't care.

No, Laverne, it's me, Carmine.

And it's better than that.

I got a part in Hair.


Car-Carmine, you woke me
up in the middle of the night

to tell me you
changed your hairstyle?

No, no, no, no, it's a
Broadway show called Hair,

and I got a part in it.

So you're gonna have your
money for that water bed in no time.

Uh, well, don't rush
with that, Carmine.

I sort of made my
own water bed and, uh,

well, I'm not so
sure yet about it.

But I'm real happy for you.

I'll tell you something,
Laverne, this is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

I've never been
more happy in my life.

Aw... oh, that's great, Carmine.

It's really wonderful news.

A-And wait until you
hear some of the songs

I get to sing in the show.
♪ When the moon ♪

♪ Is in the seventh house ♪

- ♪ And Jupiter ♪
- Carmine!

♪ Aligns with Mars... ♪


Listen, Carmine, I
was real happy for you,

but now you're starting
to honk me off, okay?

Yeah. Y-You're right, Laverne.

I-I'm sorry, I-I just wanted you

to hear the good
news, that's all.

Well, good night.

No, no, Carmine.

I really am happy for you.


Good night.

Lucky dog.


Rick, where you been?

You better get some rest.

Remember, we
open tomorrow night.

I was out walking the streets.

Hey, and you know what?

I was so nervous about the show,

I forgot to be nervous
about walking the streets.

I could have gotten mugged!

Ah, don't worry,
you're home safe now.

Did you lock the door?

No, not yet. I was
thinking we might go out.

Oh... I'll tell you something.

I am so tired from rehearsal,

I didn't even have the strength
to take off these clothes.

(Rick snorts)

Yeah, I still got
splinters in my pajamas

from the last time I slept
in the master bedroom.

You know, actually, it's a
good thing you're dressed.

You know, I was thinking
we might get the cast together

and go out for a little party.

Nah, I don't feel
like going out.

You sure you don't
feel like going out?

- Nah.
- You're sure?

Yeah, I'm worried about
the show and everything...

Perfect! 'Cause I
invited them all over here.

Come on in, guys.

- Hey... -Hey.
- It's a party!

How you doing?

(overlapping chatter)

Hey, my man.

Why would you invite
everybody to this dump?

Because our dump is bigger
than everybody else's dump.

Hey, nice pad.

This place?

Wow, you even have a hot plate.

Well, you see...

you see, uh... (clears throat)

we like to surround
ourselves with a certain amount

- of comfort and luxury.
- RICK: Mm-hmm.

This really is a
beautiful place.

Who died?

This is the old Katzman estate.

WOMAN: I'm glad
we all got together.

I'm so nervous about
opening tomorrow night.

I don't know if we can
even do the first song.

Are you kidding?

We've done it a million times.

- We can do it in our sleeps.
- Sure.

♪ When the moon ♪

♪ Is in the seventh house... ♪

Go, Carmine!

♪ And Jupiter aligns with Mars ♪

♪ Then peace will
guide the planets ♪

♪ And love will
steer the stars ♪

ALL: ♪ This is the dawning
of the Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius... ♪

BOTH: ♪ Harmony
and understanding ♪

♪ Sympathy and trust abounding ♪

♪ No more falsehoods
or derisions ♪

♪ Golden living
dreams of visions ♪

♪ Mystic crystal revelation ♪

♪ And the mind's
true liberation ♪

ALL: ♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius... ♪

BOTH: ♪ When the moon ♪

♪ Is in the seventh house ♪

♪ And Jupiter aligns with Mars ♪

♪ Then peace will
guide the planets ♪

♪ And love will
steer the stars ♪

ALL: ♪ This is the dawning
of the Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius... ♪

All right, Carmine, you got it!

♪ Aquarius ♪

- ♪ Aquarius ♪
- ♪ Aquarius ♪

ALL: ♪ Aquarius... ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

- (door closes) -WOMAN:
Carmine, your roommate's here.

CARMINE: Oh, don't worry
about him, he sleeps like a log.

(woman giggles)

(both laughing)

I'm not that kind of girl.

Would you like to be?


I'm getting out of here.




Hey, tough luck, buddy.

But tomorrow night it's
your turn to "sleep like a log."

- You were awake all that time?
- (Rick laughing)

Why, you...

(Rick laughing,
Carmine grunting)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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