01x07 - Scanbo

[bunniefuu]

[Anders] Whitestone.

Mined from our very mountains,

its plain appearance
belies an exceptional trait.

When refined,
it is known by another name.

Residuum Glass,
Professor Anders.

Correct as always, Percival.

Residuum is a potent
arcane amplifier.

- [grunts]
- [whistles]

- [stifled laugh]
- Take this delicate Lambent Crystal,

for instance.

Ugh. Cass!

[Anders] Cassandra.

Are you volunteering
to demonstrate?

Um, certainly, Professor.

On its own,
the light remains measured.

However, when even a tiny bit
of Residuum touches it...

- [gasps]
- [door opens]

You're not endangering
the heirs of Whitestone,

are you, Professor?

No, of course not, my lord.

Merely relaying the import
of its most valuable commodity.

Do keep the children
in one piece if you can?

[Anders] [chuckles] Childr...
yes.

I-If I may,
I still have not received word

on my refinery proposal.

Anders, we've been over this.

Yes, but with enough funding,

we could triple
our Residuum production.

Your ambitions
cloud your duties!

More is not always better.

Perhaps focus on your pupils

instead of matters
beyond your purview.

Oh, forgive my hubris.
[chuckles]

Your advice
is always illuminating.

[Lady De Rolo] See you
at dinner, dears.

[grumbles]

Ugh, why do I bother?

No one appreciates me.
No one at all.

Professor,
it's just an experiment.

Not to me!

You'll never appreciate
the potential here.

How could you, when everything
is given and nothing is earned?

[groans]
Fanciful whelps.

Pray you never wake
to find reality

knocking at your door.

[door creaks]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[men panting]

[Archie] Spread word
of our escape.

Rendezvous in the morning.

- [rope creaking]
- [bird cawing]

[Vax] Time to start
talking, Percival.

- The f*ck happened back there?
- I assure you, I'm in control.

Oh, were you in control
when you pointed that at me?

- I saw your eyes.
- The pepperbox is a potent tool.

I-I may have gotten
carried away.

Oh, I swear, if you turn
that thing on any of us again,

I will not hesitate.

I will k*ll you.

Percy, holding that w*apon,

it's like you're
a different person.

What is it?

When we came here, darling,
you promised no more lies.

You owe us the truth.

You're right.

The creation of the pepperbox
begins five years ago.

- [panting]
- [horses neighing]

With my family m*rder*d,
I had no way of striking back.

So I did the only thing I could.

I fled.

Washed away to a new life.

I feared the de Rolo name
was a death sentence,

so I disappeared.

Wandering aimlessly,

my days spent
struggling for survival.

My nights filled with fear,

blood...

and cruel nightmares.

- [shouts]
- [thunder crashes]

[g*n clicks]

These unrelenting visions
of my family's end.

I worried I would
go mad from grief.

The hatred inside me grew.

[sinister laughter]

Vengeance burning hotter
than black powder.

Nearly consuming me.

- [g*n clicking]
- [maniacal laughter]

- [expl*si*n]
- [gasps]

Until the new vision came.

A spawn of science
that would bring me

the revenge
I so desperately sought.

[sizzles]

I dreamt of a machine

that would tip the scales
of fortune in my favor.

I dreamt of this.

[g*n clicks]

Yikes. No wonder he's single.

[sighs] Not the time, Scanlan.

Do you normally build
instruments of death

you find in dreams?

Not the first time
I've been inspired.

Does it matter
where it came from?

At the moment?
Yes, I'd say it does.

[gasps softly] Sun Tree?

[indistinct chatter]

What happened to you?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[gasps softly]

[grunts]

You're so weak.

[grunts]

Yeah, look, don't get me wrong,
that thing's badass.

But what are those
scribbles for?

The monsters I hunt.

Professor Anders,

Anna Ripley, the Briarwoods,

and until about an hour ago,
Kerrion Stonefell.

In my dreams I swore to make
a list of those who wronged me.

Swore to who?

Hold up, that's five names.

Who's the sixth barrel for?

- [Keyleth] Uh... no, no, no.
- Huh?

Uh, fire.

[coughing]

[Grog] Is that ale?

You told me they was all empty!

- Guess there was one left.
- Uh...

Must not k*ll Vax.

I-I'm so sorry.
The Sun Tree was...

I-I thought maybe
that sunlight could...

Inside? Why not just announce
where our hideout is

- while you're at it?
- All right, you made your point.

It was an accident.

Hate to interrupt,
but this is bigger

than all your personal shite.

We have a real chance
at reclaiming Whitestone here.

[scoffs] Are you sure
you want to?

I mean, this town
ain't even got any ale.

Aye, we've seen
our share of dark days.

But Percival de Rolo
is back from the dead.

If that won't inspire
the people, nothing will.

Sorry, Archibald.

Right now I'm only thinking
about my sister.

Ugh. Guess they're
a close-knit family?

- Eh? Know what I'm saying?
- [both] Shut it.

[grumbles]

I know you're eager
to rally the troops,

but Cassandra's my only family.

I have to find her.

Percy, old friend,
I reckon we can do both.

The noble de Rolo residences.

Once symbols of the connection
between your family

and their people.

Now the Briarwoods hand them
out as prizes to their cronies.

Stonefell got one.

Their enforcer Duke Vedmire

lives in the one
we passed earlier.

And right there,
Professor Anders.

My scouts got word
he's holding the Kestrel here.

Cassandra.

- Then what are we waiting for?
- Hate to burst your bubble,

but we can't just stomp
through the front door.

There's a million guards
and we'll die a thousand deaths.

Um, is that a lot?

She's right.
We've tried and failed before.

Cassandra is the Briarwoods'
prize hostage.

Freeing her would be
a massive blow.

The whole city
would take up arms.

Ooh, ooh! What if I lure
the guards away from the house?

[laughs] Yeah, good one.

Come on. Real ideas only.

I could shape that tree in
the back into a sort of ladder?

Nope. Just scouted it.

Even more guards
posted in the back.

Yeah, but there wouldn't be
if I made them leave.

[laughs] Seriously.

How do you come up
with these jokes so fast?

Scanlan, please.
Now is not the time to be cute.

I am not cute. I mean, I am.

Extremely.
But not like you mean it.

Listen, I'm serious.

I can create a distraction
while you save Percy's sister.

That would have to be
an enormous distraction.

Yeah, and you're tiny.

Well, then I'll pick
a big target.

- T-That bruiser. Venkman.
- Vedmire.

Yes, I'll burn down
his m*therf*cking house.

A fire that big would be seen
across Whitestone.

The answer is no.
It's far too dangerous.

And you're far too... you.

Grog and I will go.
I'm much better at this.

No. You're the
stabby-k*ll-k*ll guys.

I can do this alone.

- I've got these potions.
- Which do what again?

No idea, but it doesn't matter.

Look, I'm a master distractor.

My songs, my jokes, my... me.

Vex, you're always
saying I'm annoying.

- Hmm.
- Well, let me be annoying.

[sighs]

If there's trouble,
we can't help.

Ah, don't worry about me.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

[thunder crashes]

What the f*ck am I doing?

Ooh, I'm a master distractor.

Ooh, I'm gonna burn his house
down. Ugh. Moron!

Whew. Okay, come on, come on,
come on, you got this.

No one ever suspects the
Scan-man. Right?

Right? Yeah, right.

[plays upbeat melody]

♪ ♪

What the hell was that noise?

♪ ♪

Come on.

♪ Hoppin' walls like a cat ♪

Ugh! Oh!

[groans]

♪ Totally meant to do that ♪

Scanlan's hand!

[grunts]

♪ Gonna prove Vex wrong ♪

[thunder rumbles]

♪ Unless f*cking rain comes along ♪

Hmm.

[straining]

[exhales]

[sniffing]

- [flatulence]
- [splashes]

[Scanlan] Oh, sh*t.

- [gasps]
- Oh, sh*t.

[Duke Vedmire] Trespasser!
It's one of them!

Oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t!

[snarling]

- [guard] He went that way!
- [guard ] Through that door!

- Locked. Locked.
- [guard] Move it, move it!

f*cking lock... Ugh!

Roll to see if he... Huh?

[Scanlan] Uh... hi.

Gentlemen, to your health.

[gulping]

No? Yeah, I really thought
that would do something.

- [grunts]
- [Scanlan cries out]

[chuckles] Oh, hell yes.

[all clamoring, grunting]

[yelps]

♪ ♪

Uh, you know what, lemme just...

[straining] Uh-oh.

[grunting]

Potion number two.

[vial shatters]

[high-pitched]
How would this ever help?!

Loathsome measle!

[grunting]

- [shouts]
- [yelps]

[growls]

[laughs] Missed me, Dukey.

Ah!

[groans]

Yeah, yeah.
Vax is way better at this.

Okay. Last one.
Please be something good.

[gulping]

- [stomach gurgles]
- f*ck.

So... what misguided ambitions

delivered this miniature parcel
to my abode?

[chuckles] Yeah, uh,
funny story actually.

I thought this was
Whitestone Drive,

But it must be
Whitestone Aven...

[shrieking]

More jokes.

I strung children's corpses
from a tree,

but I promise you,
you will suffer worse.

[stomach gurgling]

[gags, coughs]

- [flatulence]
- [groans]

[rumbling]

[crying out]

[shouting]

[guard] Get away!
Everybody run!

Wow, that was convenien...

[cries out, coughs]

[snoring]

[Vex] Thinking about
your sister?

Is it that obvious?

She was when you last saw
her, right? Such a sweet age.

She was a nightmare.
Always got me in trouble.

Terminally irritating, pompous,

- utterly incapable of silence.
- [chuckles]

- She sounds like Scanlan.
- [chuckles]

They're not entirely
different, no.

[rain pattering]

I hope she's okay.

Scanlan, too.

[screaming]

- [belches]
- [banging on door]

- [grunting]
- [guard] Open!

Aah! Oh, f*ck, ah!

[guard] Put your back into it!

[guard ] Break it down!

Ugh. Ugh...

This guy's weirder than me.
Huh?

Oh. Westruun, Fort Daxio, Emon.

What are these psychos
playing at?

[Duke Vedmire] Help me
with this door!

And you, put out that fire!

Oh, sh*t. Okay, uh,

- no, no, no.
- Give me some room!

Tempting, but not the
right time.

- [banging continues]
- [guard] It's almost there!

- [shouting]
- This scroll.

I've read this stupid thing
a hundred times.

[snarling]

But I've never sung it.
Huh. Okay, f*ck it.

♪ Nevosh, nevonn ♪

♪ Klululululu, mehon ♪

I'll filet you and use
your bones for... Huh?

- [roaring]
- [shouting]

Not bad.

[roars]

♪ ♪

[roaring]

[grunts]

Normally I hunt beasts
in their domain.

[guard screaming]

This should be interesting.

[panting]

Whoa! [grunts]

Doors are such bullshit.

Heh, not bad. I should
remember that spell.

Hmm.

Now for my grand exit.

W-W-Whoa...

[gasping] Oh.

Or not.

Going somewhere?

Had a busy evening, little man?

You're a tiny maggot.

But your head will still mount
nicely on my wall.

- [snoring]
- [pepperbox clicking]

[Vex] Darling.

Scanlan's probably three-deep

at a brothel right now.

Who let that sex-crazed gnome
do this solo?

Um, you?

[scoffs] Never listen
to me again.

That's it. I'm calling it.

You're just going in?

The longer we wait, the more
we risk being discovered.

On my sh*t, we move.

Let's not be rash, Percy.

Holy sh*t. He did it.

And it looks like he went all-out.

Oh, yeah, he's into
dat freaky stuff.

- [guard] Move it, men!
- [grunting]

Excellent plan, Vox Machina.

I mean... that is
what we're known for.

I'll rally the rebels.
When you have her, send a sign.

And, Percy, try not to get
yourself k*lled.

I was dead yesterday, remember?
Can only improve from here.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

[all panting]

Looks clear inside.

Hold on. There could be a trap.

[grunts, groans]

Not everything's a trap,
you twit.

Let's do this!

Uh...

It's a trap.

[grunts]

[coughs]

[groaning]

Oh, wait.
Please, please...

[growls]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[groaning]

You good, buddy?

[Vax] [chuckles] Oh, man.
They are f*cked now.

[roaring]

[guard screams]

- Come here!
- [screams]

[shouting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Anders.

♪ ♪

Did you honestly think
you could best me by yourself?

[grunting]

[zapping]

[cries out]

I'm afraid this performance
is over.

You're weak. You're small.

And in this world,
that means you lose.

Wait, wait, wait.
It's true.

I'm all talk.
Everyone thinks I'm a joke.

But the brothels have
taught me one thing:

size doesn't matter.

It's how you use it.

- [crying out]
- [zapping]

[screaming]

[grunts weakly]

♪ ♪

[grunts] f*cking little c**t.

You been an annoying
piece o' shite.

♪ ♪

And you've been
a lovely audience.

And don't forget
to tip your server.

Good show, Scanlan.

Aah!

[groans]

[grunting]

[panting]

Anders!

[doors creaking]

Open the door, coward!

[grunting]

[gasps]

- Cass?
- [grunting]

Percy?

Always early to class, Percival.

- [pepperbox clicks]
- Release her, Anders.

That's an order!

An order?

[scoffs] You de Rolos
were always so entitled.

My new employer encourages me
to make my own decisions.

If you harm her, I will end you.

Let her go
and we can discuss a future

where you're still breathing.

Oh...

you seem to think
this is a negotiation.

- Don't!
- [gurgles]

[gasping weakly]

♪ ♪

[gasping]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chirp.