08x21 - The Brother

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All in the Family". Aired: January 12, 1971 - April 8, 1979.
Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
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08x21 - The Brother

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪






Well, wait a minute.



Hello? Hello, Edith.

Hello. Will you
excuse me, please?

My phone is ringin'. Coming!

Hello? Oh, Gloria!

I can't talk to you now,
there's a man at the door.

No. He's wearing a mustache,
but he don't look dangerous.

I got the chain on, anyway.

Yeah, come right over,
the dinner's almost ready.

Yeah, bye.


Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't remember me, do you?

Well, yeah. You're the man
that was at the door just now.

I'll give you a hint.

The last time you saw
me, I had a big beard

and it was full of
your wedding cake.



Fred Bunker? Oh...

Excuse me!

Fred, come in!

Fred Bunker!

Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!



Oh, it's been years!

Twenty-nine years, ...

Edith, the smartest thing my
brother ever did was to marry you.

Oh... oh, you put back the
tooth Archie knocked out.

It's very nice!

Oh, come on and sit...
Oh, you want some coffee?

Oh, no, don't go to no trouble.

No, it's no trouble! Come
on in the kitchen with me!

Well, Fred, when
did you get here?

I, uh, I just drove up
from Baltimore with Amy.

Who's Amy?

Oh, Amy is a
woman I'm living with.


Ever since I
divorced Janice there.

What happened to Dorothy?

Oh, Dorothy ran
away with a foot doctor.

Oh, that's too bad.

No, it worked out
very well for her.

She had bad feet.



Oh, well, why didn't
you bring Amy with you?

Oh, well, she's out doi"
some shoppin' there.

You know, I didn't want to
create a problem, you know.

Oh, yeah.

So, how are things
going with the... problem?

Oh, fine! He'll be home
to dinner any minute.

He owns his own
bar now, you know,

just a few blocks from here.

Ma, we're here!

EDITH: In the kitchen!

Oh, Michael's starvin'.

Yeah, I'm so hungry
I could eat a horse.

But since you haven't got
a horse, any kinda pie'll do.


Oh! Oh.

This is my son-in-law
Michael Stivic.

And this is our little Gloria!

Oh, grown up now.

EDITH: You'll never
guess who this is.

I'll give you a hint.

One... he's Archie's
only livin' relative.

Two... he ain't on
my side of the family.

And three... he's
your uncle. Guess!

Uncle Alfred.

Oh, she was always so smart.

Oh, Uncle Alfred!

Well, come on, let's go in
the livin' room and you can talk.

Here's your coffee.

My Uncle Alfred!

So you're the brother that
Archie never talks about.

The one and only.

You never even saw me,
even when I was a baby.

No, he drove all the way
up here from Baltimore!

In a car!

With... with Amy!

Oh, is Amy your wife?

Uh, no, uh...


You sure you're
Archie's brother?

We're very good friends.

Does Daddy know that
you and Amy are here?


He'll be here any minute.


Oh, boy, is he
gonna be surprised.

Honey, maybe we should
go home and have corn flakes.

Uh-uh. I'm stayin' for this!

Hey, Uncle Alfred, would you
and Amy like to stay for dinner?

Is that okay, Ma?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Edith, I'm home.

Listen, I ain't got much time,
so get the dinner on, will ya?

I gotta get back to the saloon.

The kid called in sick again.

Oh, geez.

Archie, this is your brother.

Thanks for tellin' me, Edith.

Hey, Arch. Long
time, no see, huh?

Long time, no care either.

Well, let's everybody
sit down now. Come on.

Don't haul me. Don't
haul me. Don't haul me!

Don't do that.

You wanna do somethin',
go in and get a beer.

Oh, all right.

Oh, Gloria, come on
and help me, please.

- Oh, not now, Ma.
- No!

Ma, I wanna show Uncle
Alfred my baby pictures.

You wanna see my baby pictures?

Yeah, maybe I should
go help them, too.

No, you stay here.

- I thought that...
- Sit down!

I'll sit down.


Funny. All these years
I've been thinkin' of things

I'd say to ya, and now
the words don't come.

Probably just as well...

If there anything like the
words I'm chokin' back.


Fred, what kind
of work do you do?

He's a professional

He's a left-wing
union organizer.

You're kiddin' me.

I wish I was.

I can't believe it...

Archie Bunker's
brother a commie pinko?

Ha, how do you like that?!

I don't like it!

I love it! I love it!

He wanted to see old pictures.

Stop talkin'. Here's
a beer for you.

Here's your beer, Daddy.

Oh, leave it there.

Here's some Fritos for you.

Oh, my! Just look at this!

Ain't this interestin'?

Two brothers that started out

in life together
exactly the same,

with ten little fingers
and ten little toes and...

And where this is gonna
end only a dingbat knows.

Oh, Daddy.

- Pinch him.
- Okay.






Hold it, hold it, hold
it! Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, all of ya's.

I started talkin' here.

So, uh, what finally happened
to the old house on Woodside?

Oh, the last couple
that rented it bought it.

Yeah, I know.

You could've told
me you was sellin' it.

Archie, we couldn't
have bought it.

That ain't the point, Edith.

I like to know what's
happenin' to things

that should have been
mine in the first place!

Yeah, you had a right.

It's just that I
had to sell it fast.

I had to settle things with
Dorothy there. I was just tellin'...

Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

Your wife left ya.

How did you know that?

I keep tabs!

I keep tabs is all.

I know his first wife left him.

And the second wife
walked out on him, too!

This guy changes wives as
often as I change my drawers.

I hope not.

I only changed
twice in years.


He changes wives... He means
you change your underwear...

Gloria, Gloria,
Gloria, Gloria, Gloria!

That ain't funny.
That ain't funny.

Oh, I get it!


Come on, come on, let's
cut out all the crapola, huh?

I mean, what's the point
of all this, huh, Fred?

Why'd you come here?

Hey, Archie, look
I just dropped by

to give you a couple things I
thought you ought to have here.

First, look, here's a kind
of a letter from me to you,

but I don't want you
to open it right now.

- When the hell am I
supposed to open it?
- Later.

When later?

Three weeks.

You give me a letter I ain't
supposed to open in three weeks.

Here, look it here. Here's...

It's Pop's old Hamilton.

It's from when he was a brakeman
on the Long Island railroad there.

FRED: I, uh, found it among a
bunch of stuff there, you know.

And I know you always liked it.

It doesn't keep
good time anymore,

but, hey, the front still
pops open there, you know.


Archie, Gloria and me
thought it would be nice,

so we invited Fred and Amy
to have dinner with us tonight.

Oh, Amy, huh?

Amy's the new wife, I guess.

Guess again.

I get it, one of
them things, huh?

Well, ain't that lovely?

Well, Edith, as long as you
invited the swingers to dinner here,

why don't you just invite them
to spend the night upstairs, huh?

What a good idea!

Frank, we got a nice room...

What a good idea?!
That ain't no good idea!

Hey, Arch, I don't need
you. I can always find a bed.

Yeah, well, you always could.
I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

- I'm goin'
back to the saloon.
- Oh, Archie, no! Please!

No, no, Edith. No, I'm
sorry. I don't give a damn.

I ain't gonna have him press
his way of life down on me.

That's what he done to the old
man and put him in his grave.

And then he didn't
show up to the funeral!

Archie, that ain't no way
to talk to your brother.

What the hell brother
are you talkin' about?!

I ain't had no
brother for years!

Nearly a quarter
of a century, Edith.

And I think the split between
us went back further than that.

Way further than that.

All the way back to
the big cockroach derby.

The big cockroach derby?

Yes! Yes, yes, the great race.

And his roach won because,
when my back was turned,

he poured Coca-Cola
over my roach.

It was after you tried
to set f*re to mine!

Aw, go on. And when
I kicked your butt,

you went crawlin' back
and cryin' to Pop there

with a limp on ya, tellin'
him I took an axe to ya.

I don't believe this. Two grown
men still carryi" on a sibling rivalry?

Hey, hey, hey! He
sibled more than me!

And the old man caught him twice

and blamed me for
showin' him how to do it.

Oh, Archie, stop fightin'.

You're the same flesh and blood.

The two of ya came
out of the same mother.

Oh, don't say "come
out," would you?!

Geez, every time you talk about
nature, you make my flesh crawl.

Stop readin' Redbook!

Well, the hell with
all this. I'm goin'.

No, no, no! I'm
goin'. That's all.

Hey, sorry I couldn't spend
more time with ya, Fred, though.

But maybe sometime, you
know, we'll have lunch together.

We'll have a big
chat about the family.

I'll tell how beautiful things
was before you was born.

Maybe years
from tomorrow, huh?

Let's make it at : sharp.

Ooh, geez!

HARRY: I'll take three
cards. I'm tryin' to fill a straight.

[LAUGHS] I'll play these.

Let's see, you've got
at least a pair of aces.

How do you know?

Archie marked the cards.

Come on, get a
new deck, will ya?

You bring 'em in, we'll use 'em.

Hey! Hi, Arch.

Oh, hi, Arch.

Hi, Hank.

Hiya, Harry.

Do me a favor, will ya?

Give me a double bourbon
over at the table there. Sure.

What do you got there, a letter?

What's it look
like? Who's it from?

It's an invitation to
the White House.

Oh, you goin'?

No, I'm due at the ballet.
They're doin' "Swoon Lake."

Then can I have your
ticket to the White House?

Sprinkle a little bon
ami in his beer, will ya?

Somethin' the matter, Arch?

No, no, it's just...

You ever heard of a bypass?

A bypass? Yeah,
that's when a bus driver,

instead of stoppin' to pick
you up, bypasses ya like this.

I'm talkin' about a
corona-rary bypass.

Oh, a heart operation,
like Kelsey had.

Yeah, people are gettin'
'em all the time now.

Who's havin' one?

Let me ask you somethin'.

What does the
execute-er of a will do?

You mean the executor.

Whatever. What does he do?

Well, nothin' till
somebody dies.

Say, Arch, are
you feelin' all right?

Customer, fellas.

Customers, customers, customers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, come right in, sir.
What's your pleasure?

Hey, Arch.


Look, I... I couldn't take
off on a bad note like that.

Well, I shouldn't
have blew my top.

Well, what the hell,
you know how I am.

I guess I ain't
changed much, huh?

I ain't changed much either.

Well, sit down a minute.

Did you read that letter?

The one you told me
to hold for three weeks?


Why? Is it important?

Nothin' that couldn't wait.

Look, Arch.


About Pop's funeral...

Oh, well, forget
that. Forget that.

No, I want to tell ya about it.

What the hell could
you tell me about it?

You wasn't there, was ya?

Where the hell was
ya that day, huh?

What, were ya in
bed with a blonde?

Could have been a blonde.

Main thing is I was drunk.

You was drunk?

Pop's layin' there d*ad,
and you get drunk?

What, was you celebratin'?

I just didn't want
to say good-bye.

To the blonde?

To Pop.


Poor Pop.


Poor Pop.

I drove him nuts!


Oh, you sure did.

But still in all,

boy, he'd give you
everything you ever wanted.

Even at the end.

He gave you the house.

And he gave me the gate.

I don't know why, you know.

I... I always...

I always tried to stay out of
trouble and everything, didn't I?


I always did everything
he wanted me to.


I always believed
everything he told me.

Without question.

Well, I mean, why did he
always think I was a dope?

Who cares what he...

I want to tell you somethin'.

I want to tell you
somethin' now...

that I never told to nobody.

Keep it down.

One night a long time ago, I
heard him talkin', you know.

Pop was sayin' to Mama...
that he only had enough money

to start one of us
out in college, see?

And he said it had to be you.

'Cause you had it up here.

And if anybody
had to go on workin',

it had to be me.

'Cause he said...

Now, he said this.

My own father said this.

He said if they put
my brains in a bird,

the bird would fly backwards.

I'm gonna tell you somethin'
I never told nobody before.

Now, for openers... you
know I always looked up to you.

You looked up to a birdbrain?

I mean, I was... I was
proud of you, Arch.

You know, Pop would...
Pop would belt you.

You'd never cry.

Even when it was my fault,
you'd never even snitch on me.

Then you'd go right out and protect
me from tough guys down the block there.

I mean, you had guts!

I don't know... I don't know
why Pop wasn't proud of you.

He should have been!

Wasn't until years
later that I figured out

why it was that he gave
me so much and you so little.


He was nuts!

Don't say a thing like that.
Don't say Pop was nuts!

Pop was nuts about everything!


Was he?

Remember what he said
when you brought Edith home?

He said she was
too smart for me.

Well, maybe in some
ways Pop was a little nuts.

Yeah. I mean, look what
you've made of yourself.

I mean, you got a
business here of your own.

You got a beautiful
family that loves ya.

And she's the greatest
wife in the world.

And you got your self-respect.


Still, I'm glad to have
the old watch, too.

Yeah, yeah, don't...
Don't go by it, though.

It loses a half-hour a day.

That's okay.

So do I.


I guess...

I guess why I came
here, Arch, was...

Well, it was to
say that I'm sorry

for what happened between us.


I'm sorry...

for knockin' out your tooth
when you was nine years old.


Hey, I'll see ya, Arch, huh?

Well, uh, yeah,
well, wait a minute.

Uh, wait a second.


Yeah, yeah, I'll see ya around.

Hey, uh, remember,

years from tomorrow, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the lunch.

: sharp, huh?

Well, uh, hey, Fred.

What the hell. Couldn't we
say three weeks from tomorrow?

You know, after
I read the letter.

Yeah, why not?

All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.
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