02x03 - Cheaters Never Win

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

♪ Maybe the world is blind

♪ Or just a little unkind

♪ Don't know

♪ Seems you can't be sure

♪ Of anything anymore

♪ Although

♪ You maybe lonely and then

♪ One day you're smilin' again

♪ Every time

♪ I turn around

♪ I see the girl
who turns my world around ♪

♪ Standing there

♪ Every time I turn around

♪ Her spirit's lifting me
right off the ground ♪

♪ What's gonna be?

♪ Guess we'll just wait

♪ And see ♪

Woof!

[instrumental music]

[Punky gargling]

Come on. Let's go.

Well, Henry,
I've flossed, brushed

and I'm off to say my prayers.

Goodnight, honey.

- Sweet dreams.
- Goodnight.

Oh, silly me.

I almost forgot.

I've got some papers
for you to sign.

- What are they?
- Oh, nothin' important.

- Just school stuff.
- Oh.

You won't need your
glasses for this.

Yes, I will attend
the PTA meeting.

Yes, Punky can go on the field
trip to the post office.

Well, what have we here?

A report card?

Son-of-a-g*n,
how did that get there?

"Mathematics, "B."

Spelling, "B."

Physical Education, "A!"

I'm a whiz at dodge ball.

Geography, a "D?"

I'm a whiz at dodge ball.

Punky, do you know

what this "D" means?

I'm grounded?

I'm not going to ground you.

I don't believe in
education by deprivation.

I don't know what that means,
but I like the sound of it.

It means, I don't
want you to learn just because

you're afraid you are gonna
be punished if you don't.

You are so wise.

But I'd like you to realize
how important your schooling is.

And how it's going
to help you in later life.

But I won't need geography
in later life.

If I want to see the world,
I'll join the navy.

Punky, you shouldn't
be getting a "D."

You're a very bright girl.

Do you know what
this "D" says about you?

That I'm not so
bright after all?

No.

It means you're under-achieving.

You're not working
up to your potential.

I guess I could be
working harder than I am.

I'd like you to promise
me that from now on

you're going to apply yourself.

I promise.

I'll apply myself like crazy.

And when the next
report card rolls around,

I expect to see a real
improvement in this grade.

You got it, Henry.

I'll be the Rand-McNally
of the fourth grade.

That's my girl.

[instrumental music]

What is the capital of New York?

- Um...
- Oh, gee, uh...

Albany!

What is the capital of Montana?

Oh, don't tell me,
I know this one.

- Helena!
Allen: Oh, again.

Cherie, what is
the capital of Wyoming?

Uh, I didn't get to the W's.

I'm fed up.

You people call yourselves
a study group?

You're all hopeless.

I'm tired of carrying
you on my back.

You're nothing but dead wood.

I'm going home to get some rest.

I hate to look hollow-eyed
when I'm acing a test.

Fine, Margaux, go home.

And another thing...

All: Go home!

Peasants!

I'm not red wood...

That's drift wood!

That's dead wood!

Boy, if we can't even remember
the names she called us,

how are we gonna
remember the capitals?

We've got to,
this test counts for

fifty percent of our grade.

Hand me that pen.

What are you doing?

Writing all the answers
on my hand.

But that's cheating!

Not really.
See, Margaux has all

the answers in her head.

I'm just putting 'em somewhere
where they're easier to see.

[laughs]

That is too cheating,

and if you are smart,
you wouldn't do it.

If I were smart,
I wouldn't have to do it.

My grandma warned
me about cheating.

First, you get caught,

then you can't
get into college.

Then you can't get a job.

You have to beg for food,

you wind up in the gutter
till a car runs you over

and you're dead.

I'd rather be dead
than grounded.

- You guys wanna join me?
- No way.

Me neither.

[instrumental music]

Now, I want you to pass
these test papers back,

keep them face
down on your desk.

You'll have minutes
to complete this test.

[clearing throat]

Boys and girls,

you've reached
a moment of destiny.

You're about to do battle
with a geography test.

[laughter]

I believe, as an American,

that you will act
like an American

while facing an American test

on America.

[laughter]

Every one of these stars
represents a state...

and everyone of those
states has a capital...

and by George C. Scott,

you're gonna write 'em down!

[laughter]

Begin!

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Allen, is that an "A" or an "O?"

Neither, it's a wart.

[music continues]

[bell rings]

Alright, time is up!

Put your pencils down.

Now, I'll have
these tests graded

by the time you
get back from lunch.

So, hand me your papers
on your way out the door.

Dismissed.

Wait, wait, uh...

[indistinct chatter]

Punky, we did it.
We got away with it!

Yeah.

So why do I feel like
a rotten lump of yuck?

These tests produced
some interesting results.

For instance, one scholar
thinks that capital

of Indiana is "Sitting Bull."

[laughter]

And someone else thought that
the capital of Wyoming is...

"I didn't get up to the W's."

[laughter]

But there is some good news.

Two people received
perfect scores.

It is now my pleasure
to introduce

the two students who received
the perfect scores.

They are: Allen Anderson,

and Punky Brewster!

Stand up.

Let's give these
two a big hand. Come on!

[applause]

Why don't you two come on
up front and take a bow?

Mike: Alright.

Is there something that you
would like to say to the class?

Punky, Allen...

I'm amazed.

You two were doing
below average work in geography,

then all of a sudden, you get
the highest scores in the class.

You know what that tells me?

- What?
- What?

I wasn't challenging you enough.

Maybe you were bored.

- No, bored, uh-uh.
- No, not me..

No, never bored.

No, siree.

Your classmates
are gonna have to

go over some of
this material again,

since you're so advanced,

I'm giving you extra work.

Uh, extra work?

Um, thanks, Mike, but, uh,
we don't need extra work.

Nonsense.

After what you two did
on the test, you deserve it.

[instrumental music]

Punky: "Tennessee: Population,
four-million-six-hundred

and eighty-five thousand.

Produces soybeans.
State flower, Iris."

[breathing heavily]
I can't stand it anymore!

I'm sick of these stupid states!

Ohio, Rhode Island,
it's endless!

There must be of them!

Allen, relax,
you're in the state of shock.

No, not another state!

Allen, calm down.

Punky, all we do is study.

We've got no life.
I'm nine years old.

Is this all there is?

Allen, we cheated.

We made our bet and now we have
to reap what we've sowed.

[sighs]
I've been thinking...

what if we go
to Mike and confess?

I thought about that too,
but then, I thought

about what our parents
will do when they find out.

- Oh, yeah.
- No, not that.

When Henry finds out
that I've cheated,

he'll get real quiet,

there's a real
sad look on his face

and he'll look me
straight in the eye

and say, "Punky,

I'm very disappointed in you."

F-f-fut!

[groans]

Ooh, that is awful.

Yeah, he'd give me
a spanking any old day.

So, we've got to keep studying.

- Right?
- Right.

[instrumental music]

"Tennessee: Population,
four-million-six-hundred

and eighty-five thousand.

Produces soybeans.
State flower: Iris."

Oh, come on, Henry, these coupon
books are only five bucks.

And all the money we make

goes for to the nursing home
for new equipment.

What kind of coupons are they?

Everything under the sun.

Look, here, you get
two dollars off

for your next leg waxing.

Well, usually,
I do my own leg waxing.

Oh, come on, Henry.

It's for a good cause.

Lighten up, you old coot.

I must say I admire
your sales technique.

[chuckles]

I'll take two.

Hallelujah!

Usually, it takes a crowbar
to pry the wallet loose.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Well, you know,
Betty, ever since

I took custody of Punky
I've been worried about

whether or not I could
be a good father to her.

You've done just fine, Henry.

I wasn't so sure,
until a few weeks ago

when Punky brought home
a "D" on her report card

and, if I do say so myself,

I handled it beautifully.

- Did you yell at her?
- No.

- Did you thr*aten her?
- Of course, not.

Then what did you do?

I inspired her.

Oh, you spanked her?

No.

I encouraged her to live
up to her potential.

- And it worked?
- Like a charm.

Punky started cracking
the books, she got an "A"

on her test and now
she's in advanced studies.

Well, I'll be...

When Cherie gets a bad grade,

I just take away her desserts

until those grades get better.

Rather old fashioned,
don't you think?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, maybe next time

I'll try your
"potential" baloney.

Hmm.
[door closed]

[sighs]

Well, that finishes the eights

which brings us to,

my favorite, Mr. Nine.

You see, Mr. Nine is fine.

[laughter]

But when Mr. Nine stands alone,

how much is he?

- Punky?
- He's nine.

- Just like me.
- Alright.

So, nine times one equals nine.

- Nine times two...
- Eighteen!

[chuckles]
Right. Uh...

Nine times two
equals eighteen.

Okay, Allen, tell me,

what's three nines?

Uh, thirty-nine?

[chuckles]

Nice try, but no cigar.

See, class, I'll let
you in on a little secret.

You see,
Mr. Nine is like Robin Hood.

Only instead of robbing
from the rich

and giving to the poor,

he robs from the right
and gives to the left.

So, if you rob one from
eight, you get seven.

Give one to one, you get two.

- Nine times three?
- Twenty-seven!

Alright, Rob from the right
and give to the left,

say it with me.

All: "Rob from the right,
and give to the left."

- Nine times four?
- Thirty-six.

Rob from the right
and give to the left.

- Nine times five?
- Forty-five.

Rob from the right
and give to the left.

- Nine times six?
- Fifty-four!

[bell ringing]
Alright! Class dismissed.

So, head for the door.
Oh, wait a minute.

I want you to pick up your
report cards on your way out.

[all groaning]

And remember, I want your
parents to sign these.

And, Holly,
your little brother's

signature is not acceptable.

It's not even legible.

Here you go. Alright.
Here we go.

- Thanks, Mike.
- You're welcome.

Oh, look, I got straight "A's."

Did anyone else?

What difference does
it make if anyone else did?

It cheapens it.

There you go.

Alright. There you go.

There you go, Cherie.

Hey, yay! I get dessert!

Alright!

Alright, still servin'?

[instrumental music]

Um... Mike?

Is there a problem?

Well, um, we sorta noticed

that you, um, sorts gave us

a "C" in geography?

Yeah, I guess, I sorta did.

We sorta don't understand.

We got "A's"
on the first test.

And we both got "A's"
on the final exam.

Doesn't an "A" and an "A"
add up to an "A?"

Let me check my book.

Now, you both said
that you got "A's"

on your first geography test.

- Right?
- Right.

And do you feel
you earned that grade?

Umm...
Why would you ask that?

It's just that when
you were taking the test,

I couldn't help but notice
Allen was reading his chest...

and you, Punky,
spent a great deal of time

examining Allen's elbow.

He-- he has a wart.

Yeah, see!

Guys.

You knew all along
that we cheated?

That's right.

Well then,
why didn't you flunk us?

Because if I had,
all you would've gotten

out of it was an "F."

What do we get out
of it this way?

Guys...

what can you tell me about Utah?

- Utah: The Beehive State.
- Mm-hmm.

State song:
"Utah We love Thee."

State bird: The Seagull.
State tree: The Spruce Goose.

The Blue Spruce.

State population:
One million, six hundred

and nineteen thousand,
most of them named Osmond.

[applause]
Now you see?

That's what you got out of it...

knowledge.

[gasping]

Now, about your grades
on your report card...

You both get "A's"
on your final exam,

a grade you earned.

Now, I changed your
first test grade to an "F,"

a grade you earned.

Which averaged out to a "C,"

a grade you're
going to have to live with.

Sounds fair.

Thanks for not telling
our parents, Mike.

I decided it wasn't necessary.

Good decision.

It's my guess that
your parents were expecting

an "A" in geography
just as much as you are.

And they're gonna
wanna know why you

ended up with only a "C."

And I guess you're just
gonna have to tell 'em.

Good guess.

Good grief.

[instrumental music]

You cheated on your test?

Yes.

You cheated on your test?

Yes.

You cheated on your test?

Yes.

Punky, I'm very
disappointed in you.

F-f-f-fut!

[groaning]

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

I'm disappointed in me too.

I've been feeling real
bad ever since I did it.

Well, maybe this experience

will be worthwhile if,
the next time

you're tempted to cheat,
you'll remember

how you feel right now.

I promise I'll never
ever cheat again.

Good,
then the subject is closed.

Hop into bed.

Now, you tell me something.

Did you really
learn all this stuff?

You bet.
Go ahead, ask me anything.

Okay, what's the Iowa
state song?

"The Iowa Corn Song."

It is?

♪ We're from I-O-way

♪ I-O-way

You really do know it.
Goodnight, dear.

♪ State of all the land

♪ Joy on ev-'ry hand

♪ We're from I-O-way
I-O-way ♪

Goodnight, dear.

♪ That's where the tall

♪ Corn grows

♪ That's where
the tall corn grows ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[theme music]