You get to a certain point
with your parents
where, really, the only thing
you can do with them is eat.
You can't talk anymore,
but you wanna at least
try and keep your mouths moving.
And they're so anxious for it,
you know. You come in.
"How was the plane?
You must be hungry."
You know, "How did you sleep?
Ready for breakfast?"
My mother will argue with me
about what I like.
"Can I have a piece
of pumpkin pie?"
"You don't like pumpkin pie."
"Yes, I do."
"Since when?"
"What's the difference?
Can I have it?"
"No. I have never seen you eat
a piece of pumpkin pie."
"No. I have never seen you eat
a piece of pumpkin pie."
[♪]
ELAINE:
Mr. Peterman
sent me over here
for a physical,
because as you may
or may not know,
he and I are going
on a trip to Kenya.
Africa.
It's my first such mission
for the company.
The Masai Bushmen
wear these great sandals,
and we're gonna knock 'em off.
Not the Masai, the sandals.
[LAUGHS]
I'll need a urine sample.
Right.
[♪]
[♪]
GEORGE:
Africa?
Do you know how hot
it gets there?
Like, degrees.
Your skin is gonna
be simmering with boils.
[SCOFFING]
Oh, come on.
Hey, George, You coming
to The Tonight Show?
Yeah, yeah. My parents wanna
come too, is that okay?
Sure. My parents will be there.
ELAINE:
The Tonight Show?
Yeah, they're in town.
You wanna go?
Are you doing new material?
No.
I don't think so.
Hey, the super's in my bathroom
changing my showerhead.
Have they changed
your showerhead?
Have they changed
your showerhead?
No, he's doin' mine next.
They're low-flow, you know.
Low-flow?
Well, I don't like
the sound of that.
So, what are your parents
doing here in New York?
Well, they were humiliated.
After the impeachment,
my father left office
in disgrace.
So, what are their plans?
Well, this is the problem.
They're moving
into this new development.
Here's the pamphlet.
"Del Boca Vista."
But they're not quite ready
to go back,
so they're in seclusion here
for a while at Uncle Leo's.
The three of them
in that tiny apartment?
The three of them
in that tiny apartment?
No, Leo's not there.
He's got a girlfriend, Lydia.
In fact, he moved in with her.
Uncle Leo's having regular sex?
Yeah, I know,
it devalues the whole thing.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Jerry, what time
do we have to be
at The Tonight Show on Thursday?
Uh, you gotta be there at : .
But it comes on : .
Yeah, well, they tape it
in the afternoon,
and then they air it at : .
How long they been doin' this?
Thirty years.
Helen, did you know
Helen, did you know
that they tape this thing
in the afternoon?
All right. I'll see you later.
Georgie, how come your parents
never moved to Florida?
Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
I mean, they're retired.
There's no economic reason
for them to be here.
They have no friends.
No social reason for them
to be here.
You're all grown-up.
Yeah, they're through
ruining my life.
What the hell
are they still doing here?
Let me see this pamphlet.
Huh.
Huh.
All right, I'll, uh...
I'll get back to you.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Where can I buy some ice?
Your father likes a lot of ice.
I...dunno.
Maybe get an ice tray?
I can do that.
You know, Dad just called me.
Yeah, I know.
His phlebitis is acting up.
Yeah. All right.
Well, I got some people here.
Okay.
All right, bye.
You see this?
What?
Any thought
pops into their head,
they're calling me
because it's a local call now.
they're calling me
because it's a local call now.
Ah.
I'm used to
a -mile buffer zone.
Uh-huh.
I can't handle this.
Plus, I got the dinners,
I got the pop-ins.
They pop in.
It... It's brutal.
They have no idea
when they're going back?
The only way out is if Leo
breaks up with his girlfriend
and has to move back in.
Then they would have to go back
to Florida.
How's that gonna happen?
LEO: It's about time
you called your uncle.
We gotta do this once a week.
Once a week?
So how's Lydia?
Oh, she's a real tiger.
Oh, she's a real tiger.
I don't know how you do it.
What?
Well, a man like you
limiting yourself to one woman.
I don't know.
It's none of my business.
What are you talking about?
Well...
Look at this.
I told them medium rare.
It's medium.
It happens.
I bet that cook
is an anti-Semite.
He can't see you.
He has no idea who you are.
They don't just overcook
a hamburger, Jerry.
Fine. Anyway,
the point I was making
Fine. Anyway,
the point I was making
before Goebbels made
your hamburger here is this:
A man like you could be dating
women years younger.
Come on, Uncle Leo,
I've seen the way
women look at you.
When's the last time
you looked in the mirror?
You're an Adonis.
You've got beautiful features,
lovely skin.
You're in the prime
of your life here.
You should be swingin'.
If I were you,
I'd tell this Lydia character,
"It's been real."
Move back into that bachelor pad
and put out a sign,
"Open for business."
"Open for business."
Believe me, I thought about it.
But she is so perfect
in every way,
I-I can't see a flaw.
Well, keep looking.
[♪]
ELAINE:
Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman.
Do you realize how short
the Kalahari Bushmen are?
I'm gonna look like a giant
to those guys.
[LAUGHS]
I'm afraid I have
some bad news, Elaine.
It appears you will not
be accompanying me to Africa.
What? Why not?
I'm afraid
it's your urine, Elaine.
I'm afraid
it's your urine, Elaine.
You've tested positive
for opium.
Opium?
That's right, Elaine.
White Lotus. Yam-yam.
Shanghai Sally.
Well, that's impossible.
I've never done a drug
in my life.
Dr. Strugatz
must have made a mistake.
Not a chance.
I'm afraid I'll just
have to find someone else
to accompany me on my journey.
The Dark Continent is no place
for an addict, Elaine.
Obviously, Mr. Peterman,
there's something wrong
with this test.
I don't take opium.
I don't take opium.
Let me take another one, please?
I'll call the doctor right now.
I'll take a pop urine test.
All right, Elaine.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman.
Mm...
I'll be ready in three minutes.
[♪]
GEORGE:
Whoo!
Boy, it's cold outside, huh?
Oh, these New York winters.
Bitter cold. Bitter!
I was out
for five minutes before.
I couldn't feel my extremities.
What extremities?
What extremities?
You know what the temperature
in Florida is today? Huh?
Seventy-nine.
That's almost .
Yeah, I read someplace,
the life expectancy
in Florida is .
And in Queens, .
So, George, why are you here?
What, I... can't stop by
and visit my, uh...?
My parents?
ESTELLE:
What's this?
That's where the Seinfelds
are moving.
They, uh...
They got a great deal.
Yeah?
You know what they got
in Florida?
Jai alai.
You bet on the games,
you clean up.
I don't bet.
Well, what about the dolphins?
You can swim with the dolphins.
I don't swim.
Well, you could pet them.
They come right out of the water
onto the sidewalks.
Are you trying to get rid of us?
"Rid"? Ma, come on.
The word is "care."
"Care."
I care about your comfort.
Be it here in Queens
or miles away.
or miles away.
[♪]
No?
[♪]
Jerry.
Jerry!
Wha...?
You too, huh?
Yeah.
These showers are horrible.
There's no pressure.
I can't get the shampoo out.
Me either.
If I don't have a good shower,
I am not myself.
I feel weak and ineffectual.
I feel weak and ineffectual.
I'm not Kramer.
You? What about me?
I got The Tonight Show tonight.
I'm gonna have to shower
in the dressing room.
Where you going?
Well, I gotta
find another shower.
They got you too?
This is awful.
I'm not Newman.
[GRUMBLES]
[♪]
Oh, Elaine. Yeah.
Kramer, you look terrible.
Kramer, you look terrible.
I need the keys
to your apartment.
I gotta take a shower.
What's wrong with your shower?
There's no water pressure.
Why didn't you go see Jerry?
Jerry's got nothing.
Newman's got nothing.
You're the only one I know
who's got the good stuff.
And I need it bad, baby,
because I feel
like I got bugs
crawling up my skin!
Now, you gotta help me out.
Not on my watch!
I won't have you turning
my office
into a den of iniquity!
What's wrong with you?
Get your fix somewhere else!
Go on, b*at it!
Mr. Peterman!
What are you doing?!
Elaine, you're out of control.
You need help.
Huh?
I know
what you're going through.
I too once fell under
the spell of opium.
It was .
I was traveling the Yangtze
in search
of a Mongolian horsehair vest.
Oh, for God's sake.
I had got to the market
after sundown.
All of the clothing traders
had gone.
But a different sort of trader
still lurked about.
"Just a taste," he said.
That was all it took.
Mr. Peterman, I don't know
what's going on here.
Mr. Peterman, I don't know
what's going on here.
I am not addicted to anything.
Oh, Elaine.
The toll road of denial
is a long and dangerous one.
The price? Your soul.
Oh, and by the way,
you have till :
to clear out your desk.
You're fired.
[♪]
HELEN:
All they serve is chicken?
Uh, there's more food
down the hall.
Uh, there's more food
down the hall.
Here, wrap it up.
We'll take it home.
Oh, hey.
Oh, hi.
Hello, Seinfelds.
Hello.
Hi, Estelle.
This is your dressing room?
They treat you like Toscanini.
ESTELLE:
Oh, Jerry,
I don't know
how you can do this.
I'm so nervous for you.
Actually, I'm drunk.
Hey. Hey, how is Florida, huh?
We just bought a new place
down there.
I know. We were looking
at the brochure.
You what?
Why, you thinking of moving?
You what?
Why, you thinking of moving?
No, not really.
If you are, you shouldn't.
There's nothing available there.
Are you telling me there's
not one condo available
in all of Del Boca Vista?
That's right.
They went like hotcakes.
How'd you get yours?
Got lucky.
Are you trying to keep us
out of Del Boca Vista?!
I know this doesn't seem
like work to any of you,
but if you'd conduct
the psychopath convention
down the hall...
so I could just get
a little personal space.
[♪]
ELAINE: How could I have
tested positive twice?
ELAINE: How could I have
tested positive twice?
Once, I can understand.
That's a mistake. But twice?
Yeah, it's hard to figure.
I mean, I've lost my job.
I can't go to Africa.
I was gonna meet
the Bushmen of the Kalahari.
The Bushmen?
And the Bushwomen.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
I notice you're eating
a poppy seed muffin there.
Yeah, I eat these muffins
all the time.
Well, you know what opium
is made from.
Poppies!
[CHEERING]
Welcome back.
Talking with Jerry Seinfeld.
Welcome back.
Talking with Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry, let me ask you,
I saw some people back there.
They look like family. Is that family?
Yeah.
I got some family backstage.
Yeah.
My family's nuts.
They're crazy.
Yeah?
Yeah.
My Uncle Leo,
I had lunch with him
the other day.
He's one of these guys
that anything goes wrong,
he blames it
on anti-Semitism.
Know what I mean?
The spaghetti's not al dente?
Cook, anti-Semite.
Right there, yeah.
Loses a bet on a horse?
Secretariat, anti-Semitic.
LENO: Even the horse...
Even the animal.
The High Holy Days
in the temple?
The High Holy Days
in the temple?
Rabbi, anti-Semite.
[LAUGHING]
Listen to this. My Uncle Leo
broke up with his girlfriend
because of my bit I did.
She thought it was funny,
so he accused her
of being an anti-Semite.
They had a huge fight, now he's
moving back into his apartment.
Know what this means? My parents
are gonna go back to Florida.
What?
What number is this?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Hey, Kramer,
my parents are gonna
have to move back to Florida.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, well,
I'm really happy for you.
Hey, you're not
giving it to me, man.
Hey, you're not
giving it to me, man.
What's wrong?
I just took a bath, Jerry.
A bath.
Huh. No good?
It's disgusting.
I'm sitting there
in a tepid pool of my own filth.
All kinds of microscopic
parasites and organisms
having sex all around me.
Well, you used to sit
in that hot tub.
Jerry,
that was super-heated water.
Nothing could live in that.
Chicken?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, this you're
not gonna believe.
I found out why I was testing
positive for opium.
Poppy seeds!
Poppy seeds.
Yep, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Here you want some chicken?
Yeah, thanks.
So I'm gonna
get tested again later.
Hopefully I'll get my job back,
and I will
be on my way to Africa.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
Well, I may have a solution
to our little problem.
Well, I may have a solution
to our little problem.
Elaine, will you excuse us?
Oh, come on, Newman.
I have a private matter
to discuss
with my fellow tenants.
If you don't mind?
Jerry...
Look, sister, go get yourself
a cup of coffee, all right?
b*at it.
All right.
Now, here's the lowdown.
Through a certain connection,
I've been able to locate
some black-market showerheads.
They're all made
in the former Yugoslavia.
And from what I hear,
the Serbs are fanatic
about their showers.
Not from the footage I've seen.
Not from the footage I've seen.
Nevertheless,
sometime this afternoon,
behind the market diner,
an unmarked van will be waiting.
I'm expecting the call
at any time.
Are you in?
I'm down.
Jerry?
[♪]
So, Georgie, we have
some big news for you.
Big news?
We're moving to Florida.
We're moving to Florida.
What?
You're moving to Florida?!
Ah-ha!
That's wonderful!
I'm so happy!
For you!
I'm so happy for you!
Oh, what do you need
this cold weather for?
Has nothing to do with weather.
It's because of the Seinfelds.
Wh-what do you mean?
They don't want us there,
so we're going.
We're moving right into
Del Boca Vista-aaa!
So you're moving there
for spite.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
No one tells Frank Costanza
what to do!
That's right!
Who the hell are they?!
How dare they? Yeah!
Ha-ha.
So, Georgie,
are you gonna come to visit us?
Oh, every chance I get.
Oh.
[♪]
GEORGE:
Jerry!
Jerry!
I'm busting, I'm busting!
Well, what's going on?
My parents
are moving to Florida!
Are you kidding?
Can you believe it?!
It's happening!
[LAUGHING] It's finally happening!
I'm free!
[LAUGHING] It's finally happening!
I'm free!
Where are they moving to?
Del Boca Vista!
That's where my parents
are gonna live.
I know.
We can visit together.
Every five years!
That's incredible!
I know, I know.
And you know why
they're moving there?
Why?
To spite your parents.
To spite my parents?
Yeah.
Your parents are crazy.
I know, they're out
of their mind.
I don't believe it.
Fantastic.
My parents are moving back too.
Beautiful!
[♪]
I'm sorry Leo's
moving back here.
I'm not ready
to go back to Florida.
I'm not ready
to go back to Florida.
He was getting along so well
with that woman.
What happened?
[RINGS]
Hello?
This is Frank Costanza.
What do you want?
You think you can keep us
out of Florida?
We're moving in
lock, stock and barrel.
We're gonna be in the pool.
We're gonna be in the clubhouse.
We're gonna be all over
that shuffleboard court.
And I dare you to keep me out!
And I dare you to keep me out!
I'm sorry.
We can't go back to Florida.
[♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Ohhh...
Ahhh...
I can't believe
I didn't push for this sooner.
You have no idea how your life
is gonna improve
as a result of this.
Food tastes better.
The air seems fresher.
You'll have more energy
and self-confidence
than you ever dreamed of.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hello, Jerry, it's your father.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Is it all right
Is it all right
if we move in with you
for a little while?
[GLASS SMASHES]
What was that?
Nothing.
A bottle broke, that's all.
What...? What do you mean,
you're gonna move in here?
Because the Costanzas
are moving in to Del Boca Vista.
But it's a big complex.
You don't understand.
You gotta have a buffer zone.
All right, fine.
Come over here.
What?
They're... They're not
going back to Florida.
They're moving here.
What? Why?
Because your parents
are going down there.
Because your parents
are going down there.
My buffer zone just went from
miles down to two feet.
You gotta do something.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You had your buffer zone
for many years.
It's my time to live, baby!
You know what you're doing,
don't you?
You're k*lling
independent Jerry.
I gotta go see my Uncle Leo.
I think he may have made
a big mistake.
[♪]
LEO:
Move back with Lydia?
Come on.
You're lucky to have anybody.
Come on.
You're lucky to have anybody.
Last week you told me
I was in my prime.
I should be swinging.
Swinging?
What, are you out of your mind?
Look at you.
You're disgusting.
You're bald.
You're paunchy.
All kinds of sounds
are emanating
from your body hours a day.
If there's a woman
that can take your presence
for more than
consecutive seconds,
you should hang on to her
like grim death.
Which is not far off,
by the way.
But she's an anti-Semite.
Can you blame her?
[♪]
[♪]
You don't think he minds
us staying here, do you?
Why would he mind?
We're his parents.
Oh.
Hi, Elaine.
Hello.
Jerry's not here?
No.
Huh.
Oh, my God.
What?
A poppy seed.
It must have been
in the chicken.
Oh, I'm dead.
I'm going to the doctor's
in a half an hour.
Why?
It's a long story.
Just a second.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Just a second.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait. What are you
gonna do in there?
What am I gonna do
in the bathroom?
You gotta do me a favor.
Elaine, I really have...
Hold on a second,
Mrs. Seinfeld.
I need your sample.
You want my urine?
I need a clean urine sample
from a woman.
I don't know.
Oh, please,
Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
Well, what am I gonna do it in?
Well, one of those glasses.
Jerry's glasses?
Oh, yeah. He won't mind.
Come on, you're his mom.
Oh, yeah. He won't mind.
Come on, you're his mom.
I could...
Should I use a coffee cup?
Yeah, coffee cup's fine.
Or maybe I could
use a juice glass.
Yes, yes. Fine, fine.
A juice glass. It's perfect.
This one is kind of scratched.
It doesn't matter.
All right.
How...? A milk glass.
A milk glass, a juice glass.
Any glass, just pick a glass.
Jerry really doesn't
wash these very well.
Mrs. Seinfeld,
choose a glass.
Pick a glass,
Mrs. Seinfeld.
[♪]
All right.
I got everything here.
I got the Cyclone F series,
I got the Cyclone F series,
Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm
Superstream, you name it.
What do you recommend?
What are you looking for?
Power, man, power.
Like Silkwood.
That's for radiation.
That's right.
KRAMER:
Now, what is this?
That's the Commando .
I don't sell that one.
No, that's what we want,
is the Commando .
No, believe me. That's only used
in the circus for elephants.
Just give it to us.
Yeah. We'll pay anything.
Give me the money.
We've got the...
What about Jerry?
He couldn't handle that.
He couldn't handle that.
He's delicate.
HELEN:
It's nice being back
at Leo's.
Jerry's place was too small.
First Leo breaks up,
then he goes back.
What the hell's going on?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who is it?
MAN:
It's the super.
We're installing
new low-flow showerheads
in all the bathrooms.
Low-flow?
I don't like the sound of that.
PETERMAN:
So as a result of your test
being free of opium,
I am reinstating you.
Oh, yes!
What a load off.
What a load off.
So when are we going to Africa?
I'm afraid I can't take you.
What? Why not?
Elaine, according
to your urine analysis,
you're menopausal.
You have the metabolism
of a -year-old woman.
But I wanted to see the Bushmen.
Oh, and one more thing:
You may have osteoporosis.
[♪]
Well, it's been a great visit.
Jerry, I'll tell ya,
the first thing I'm gonna do
when I get back to Florida
is take a shower.
when I get back to Florida
is take a shower.
At least the Costanzas
changed their mind about moving.
They couldn't bear
being away from George.
George must be happy about that.
You have no idea.
[♪]
Take my swim trunks.
I won't need 'em.
What does he want
with your swim trunks?
Why should they go to waste?!
[♪]
Oh, yeah.
Jyah!
Yahhh!
Agh!
[GASPING]
Aaahhh!
Aah!
[♪]