05x12 - Requiem for a Malph

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Happy and free I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! I

RICHIE:
Ladies and gentlemen,

our own velvet cloud,
Potsie Weber!

(applause)

II

♪ I love, I love,
I love my calendar girl ♪

♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪

♪ I love, I love,
I love my calendar girl ♪

♪ Each and every day
of the year ♪

♪ January ♪

♪ You start the year off fine ♪

♪ February ♪

♪ You're my little valentine ♪

- ♪ March ♪ -J' I'm gonna
march you down the aisle ♪

- ♪ April ♪ -J' You're the
Easter Bunny when you smile ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
my heart's in a whirl ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love
my little calendar girl ♪

- ♪ Every day ♪
- ♪ Every day ♪

♪ Every day ♪

- ♪ Every day ♪
- ♪ Of the year ♪

♪ Every day of the year ♪

(drumming)

- ♪ May ♪
- ♪ Maybe if I ask your ♪

♪ Dad and mom ♪

- ♪ June ♪
- ♪ They'll let me take you ♪

♪ To the junior prom ♪

- ♪ July ♪
- ♪ Like a firecracker ♪

♪ I'm aglow ♪

- ♪ August ♪
- ♪ When you're at the beach ♪

♪ You steal the show ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
my heart's in a whirl ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

- ♪ My little calendar girl
every day ♪ -J' Every day ♪

- ♪ Every day ♪
- ♪ Every day ♪

♪ Of the year ♪

♪ Every day of the year ♪

♪ September ♪

♪ Light the candles
on the sweet ♪

- ♪ October ♪ -J' You will be
the homecoming queen ♪

- ♪ November ♪ -J' I'll give
thanks you belong to me ♪

- ♪ December ♪ -J' You're
the present 'neath my ♪

♪ Christmas tree ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
my heart's in a whirl ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

♪ My little calendar girl
every day ♪

- ♪ Every day ♪
- ♪ Every day ♪

- ♪ Every day ♪
- ♪ Of the year ♪

♪ Every day of the year. ♪

- Hey.
-(cheering)

(whistling)

Well, that was Milwaukee's
very own velvet cloud,

Potsie Weber.

Hey, before you leave...

Before you leave, folks,
I want to hear a special hand

for our star fullback who's
gonna lead us to victory

tomorrow, Mr. Rebel E. Lee.

(whooping)

That's-that's good, Rebel, good.

Clever, good.
Okay, thank you very much.

Good night, folks.

Rebel, you'd better go home now.

Yeah, coach says I should be
in bed by : every night.

Coach says you grow
when you sleep.

Rebel, we've got to have
a serious talk.

It's not that I don't like you.
But, well...

what would you say
if I started playing the field?

I'd k*ll the field.

Night, Kitty.

Night, Reb.

Kitty.

Kitty, my sweet.

Oh, Kitty, did you
tell Rebel about me?

I tried. He won't listen.

All he ever does is lift me up.

Never mind, my sweet.
True love conquers all.

So, uh, you girls
are studying to be nurses, huh?

Want to play doctor? (chuckles)

Hey, Rich, big trouble.

Malph just
picked up Rebel's girl.

What?

He's With Kitty? (sighs)

Uh, excuse us, girls.
We have to prevent a m*rder.

Hey, Ralph.

Hey, come on,
we got to talk to you.

Later, boys, later.

Come on, Malph, it's important.

Excuse me, Kitty, I must
address the peanut gallery.

Oh, Ralph, you've still got it.

Not like he's gonna get it.

- Excuse us. Excuse us, please.
- Excuse us, please.

Boys. Bad timing.
Now, what is it?

You've been dating Kitty,
Rebel's girl.

Potsie, go watch
your malt curdle.

Ralph, you're playing
with fire here.

They recruited that guy
from the bayous, man.

He used to wrestle
with alligators,

and he let them start on top.

Intrigue runs amok
in my family.

You know, my aunt ran off
with the milkman

and left the mailman
holding the bag. (cackles)

Kitty.

Ralphie.

He's lost his mind.

Worse. Now he's gonna
lose his face.

RICHIE:
There go the girls.

Hey, uh, Ralph, come...

Richie.

(Richie sighs)

Richie, please.
Two's company.

Rich, didn't you hear me?

I'm gonna smash you, Malph.

Rich... Rich,
your voice has changed.

Rich, your body's changed.

What's your leg doing up here?

(screams)

You better
say your prayers, Malph.

Wait a minute, Rebel,
wait a minute.

It's not what you think.
What do you think?

I think you're trying
to steal my girl.

No, he isn't.

Rebel, I-l tried
to tell you, you're nice,

but I want to see Ralph.

It's bigger than the both of us.

He's bigger
than all three of us.

Kitty, you'd better
go powder your nose.

I'll set Rebel... straight.

All right, Ralphie-Poo.

I'll be right back.

Easy, Reb.

Easy, Reb.

"Ralphie-Poo?"

Wait a minute.

Just tell me-- is Kitty gone?

Yeah. Why'?

Well, now we can
get down to business.

Please don't hurt me, Rebel.
I don't want to die.

Please.

You won't die.

Maybe lose a few teeth.
Or a nose.

(shrieks)

Rebel, please, please,
I get airsick.

All right.

- Fonz! Fonz!
- Get off the wall, Malph.

Please, Fonz, please,
you got to save me.

Rebel's gonna k*ll me.

No, he's not gonna k*ll you,
'cause there's no fighting

here in Arnold's.

Oh, right, I forgot.

If you say so, Fonz.

I say so. Put him down, Reb.

And I want to tell you
something else,

fighting is very low
on my list of priorities.

Mine, too. Isn't it low on your
list of priorities, Rebel?

I ain't got no priorities.

I got a Chevy.

RALPH:
He's got a Chevy.

Well, no fighting in Arnold's.
Too bad.

No hard feelings, huh, Rebel?

All right, look,
I'm behind my schedule here.

All right.

Girls? (snaps fingers)
Inspiration Point.

Well, I'm behind schedule, too.

Have a good game, Rebel.

You're off the hook for now.

I am?

But tomorrow night,
after the game,

I'm gonna take your nose
and turn it upside down.

Bye. y'all.

RALPH:
My nose?

Upside down?

If it rains, I'll drown.

Fonzie, wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me that
you formed your own fraternity?

That's right.

I call it
the Fonza Fonza Rellis.

I think that's
a very catchy name.

"Fonza Fonza Rellis?"
That's cute.

-(Joanie laughs)
- FONZIE: Hey, thanks a lot.

As a matter of fact,
I even made up our own pin.

See that?
It is a little motorcycle here

on a broken heart.
The Fonza Fonza Rellis.

Oh, Fonz, that's really neat.
Could I join?

- No.
- Oh.

Uh, Fonzie told me
the entrance requirements.

Oh.

All right,
come on over, everybody.

I have found the perfect song

for the Leopard Lodge
sing-along contest.

And this year, we're gonna win.

Uh, that's what you said
last year,

and they closed
the curtain on us.

Hey, let's get
this thing going here.

I got a panting angora sweater
dying to be pinned.

Dad has picked
"Down by the Old Mill Stream."

Howard, that's good.

- It's a real toe-tapper.
- HOWARD: Yeah.

All right, everybody ready?

I am, yeah.

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

♪ Stream ♪

♪ Where I first met you ♪

IYou ♪

♪ With your eyes so blue ♪

♪ Blue ♪

♪ Dressed in gingham, too ♪

- ♪ Too ♪
-(knocking)

♪ Come in ♪

♪ It was there I knew ♪

♪ That I loved you true ♪

♪ You were ♪

♪ Hello, Potsie and Ralph ♪

♪ My village queen ♪

How'd you know it was me?

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

Wait a minute. Wait. How...

♪ Stream. ♪

HOWARD:
Yeah, you know,

for a first time,
that was pretty good.

But let's practice a little.
Let's do it again.

Wait a minute, please, please.

My body's on the line.

It's open season on Malph.

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

Rebel's gonna wipe up
the streets with me.

- No, he isn't. I spoke to him.
- He's not?

♪ Where I first met you ♪

Yeah, you're gonna fight him
Saturday night at the gym.

Besides, he's gonna wear gloves.
It hurts less.

♪ With your eyes so blue ♪

Did you say gym? Fighting?

- Yeah.
- Help, please.

Oh, Ralph,
while you're down there,

why don't you sing "Mammy?"

Oh, that would be nice.

All right, all right,
now, just hold it, huh?

Come on, now, Ralph,
what is this all about?

He and our fullback are fighting
over the honor of a woman.

Yeah, his name's Rebel.
He wrestles alligators.

- Over the honor of a woman?
-(cries)

POTSIE:
Oh, he's depressed again.

I've done everything
to cheer him up.

I even sat on his
whoopee cushion.

Come on, folks, please.

I can't fight Rebel.

Think of Mickey
and Minnie Malph--

their only son, squashed.

Squashed?

Well, Rebel's
pretty strong, Dad.

He works part-time
as a forklift.

Malph, look, you can't
spend the rest of your life

running away from Rebel, because
you're gonna have to spend

the rest of your life looking
over your shoulder.

Besides, how do you think
Kitty's going to feel?

Now, I ask you,
are you a man or a mouse?

I'm waiting.

- I'm thinking.
- HOWARD: Aah.

I tell you something,
I love middle-class songfests,

but I'm late for a ceremony.
I'm the ceremony.

Hey, Mr. C, don't worry
about that singing.

I got this down, huh?

♪ True, blue, you... ♪

♪ Whoa. ♪

Do your folks know
about this, Mouse?

Malph. Ralph!

No, I didn't want
to upset 'em, Mrs. C.

I'm gonna tell 'em
I was in a car accident.

Oh. Now I want nothing
to do with this.

All this v*olence.

I blame it on TV Westerns.

Well, speaking of v*olence,

can you drive me over
to Jenny Piccalo's?

(sighs) Just as long
as you don't watch any Westerns.

Oh, Ralph,
if you get into any trouble,

- Jenny Piccalo says give him
a knee right in... -Joanie!

I'll tell you what, Ralph.

I'm gonna show you a few boxing
tricks I learned in the Army.

Uh, yeah, that's-that's good,
Dad, but...

Ralph needs to train, you know?

He needs to work on his jabs,
he needs to punch the heavy bag.

What's this Rebel like?

Mount Rushmore with fists.

Well, then he's a slugger!

Oh...

Well, we now know what Rebel is.

But what's a Malph?

Yeah, what's a Malph?

I got it, a boxer.

- Yeah. -Yeah, that's right.
See, you're-you're small,

but you're fast.

You know, you can dance,
bob, weave.

- Yeah. -The guy will never
lay a glove on you.

- Dance, bob...
- That's it.

- Weave. -Right! That's it.
- Yeah! Right!

Richie, Potsie, get him over
to the gym, get him in shape.

- Okay, come on, Ralph. Oh, yeah,
that's good. -Dance, bob, weave!

- You think I can? -You bet you
can! -Of course you can, Malph!

- Yeah, I can.
I'm not afraid of Rebel. -Yeah.

I'm not afraid of anyone.
Who needs training?

(screams)
It's Rebel!

Forgot the keys to the car!

RICHIE:
All set for the fight, Ralph?

All right, Ralph!

Hey.

Yeah.

Ralph, how do the gloves feel?

Gloves? I thought
they were mittens. (laughs)

Oh, yeah. Well,
y-you seem pretty happy.

Aren't you a little bit nervous?

Why should I be?
I'm gonna take a dive.

You're gonna take a dive?

- He's gonna take a dive.
- That's right.

I might even make it
a swan dive.

"He's still got it."
Yeah, right.

G-Get over in the corner,
Ralph, please.

Ralph, will you get
in the corner?

Gee whiz.

Hey, Rich,

there's Rebel.

I'm gonna have some fun
with him. Watch this.

Hey, Rebel,
I saw your parents yesterday.

I was at the zoo.
(laughs)

Hey, Rich,

I'm taking a dive
the minute they ring the bell.

Boing, pf“, out.

All right, girls,

over there, ringside.

Hey, Fonz.

I'm very proud of you, Ralph.

- You showed up.
- Yeah.

He's gonna take a dive.

Are you running again?

Not running; falling, Fonz.

Get over here.

You're gonna put
all pride aside,

you're gonna fall in front
of your girlfriend?

No sweat. Kitty's not here.

I sent her to the movies
with Potsie.

Believe me, Fonz,
I know what I'm doing.

Let me tell you something.
I'm gonna be here,

right there,
and I'm gonna watch you

and you're gonna stay here
and fight like a man,

-you understand?
- Right, Fonz.

All right. Now,
I wish you the best of luck.

And being the fair man
that I am,

I will wish...

some luck
to your fellow gladiator here.

Ralph,
are-are you gonna fight him?

Nah, nah, I lied.

I'll worry about Fonzie later.

I can only throw one fight
at a time.

Hey, champ!

Potsie! He brought Kitty!

Hey, everybody. (chuckles)
How's it going, Malph?

You're supposed to be
at the movies.

Why would we be at the movies?
We'd miss the fight.

- Let me at him! Let me...
- Hey, look at that.

He's raring to go.
That's my roommate.

Potsie, will you sit down?

Ralph.

You got to pull yourself
together.

How about me singing
the national anthem?

Please sit down.

How about "Teen Angel"?

Get out of the ring!

Should've stayed at the movies.

Guys, I can't throw the fight
in front of Kitty.

Well, what are you
gonna do, Ralph?

I guess I got to fight now.

(subs)

Say, Rebel,

you think you could cancel
that parent-zoo joke?

May the South rise again!

Ladies and gentlemen...

I always wanted to do this.

-(bell clangs)
-(chuckles)

At the bell, Joanie Cunningham.

(clangiflé!)

That's enough, Joanie,
that's enough.

Introducing your ring announcer,

Al Delvecchio.

(clang)

All right, a brief commercial.

"The exclusive Fonza Fonza Relli
fraternity

"is accepting applications
for pin-ees.

"The requirements are:

female___..

And now, round one!

(clang)

(whoops loudly)

(cries loudly)

Come on, come on. On your feet.

Come on. Get up. Come on.

Ralph, get out there
and fight him, man. Fight him!

Dance, bob, weave!

-(groans)
- RICHIE & POTSIE: Run!

He must be doing
a four-minute mile!

Stand still! I can't hit you!

- He caught on!
- Ralph, stop fighting!

I'm doing the best I can!

(groaning)

Oh, you're lucky
that wasn't your jaw!

RICHIE: Ralph, Ralph,
get him in a clinch!

Get him in a clinch, Ralph!

(squealing)

All right, all right,
come on. No clinch, no clinch.

(grunts)

All right, break, break!

Why, why?

Now I'm really mad!

All right, Ralph,
you're doing great!

Only two and
a half minutes to go!

II

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Really, really ready
'cause tonight's the night ♪

♪ I came here to rock and roll ♪

♪ I came here
to rock and roll ♪

II

-(clang) -J' I came here
to rock and roll ♪

♪ Got my dancing shoes
and my blue jeans on ♪

-(clang)
- ♪ Hittin' the floor ♪

♪ 'Cause they're playing
my song ♪

♪ I came here to rock and roll ♪

♪ I came here
to rock and roll ♪

♪ I came here to rock ♪

♪ Let's get rockin' ♪

♪ I came here to rock and roll ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

All right, great, Ralph!
Two minutes left!

Ralph, you can't hide
behind the referee!

-(g ru nts)
-(Crowd groaning)

ALFRED:
One...

RICHIE:
Ralph, just-just stay down.

Come on! Get up!
I haven't even hit you yet!

All right,
go to a neutral corner.

Two...

Ralph... Ralph...

ALFRED:
...three, four...

Forget it, Ralph,
you've proved yourself.

Hey, stay down, Ralph.

Down? I thought I was up.

ALFRED:
...five, six...

I got to do it for Kitty.

...seven, eight, nine...
Ralph...

Please, Ralph, stop!

.L-ley, Ralph!
-(cheering)

(cheering)

Wait, wait, wait!

Look! Look!

(cheering)

Wait, wait!

Look!

(cheering)

Ralph! Go, Ralph! Yes!

Wait, wait.

Look. Look. See?

Neutral corner.

Two, five, ten.

- The winner, Rebel!
-(bell clangs)

Ralph, Ralph, are you all right?

C-Can you hear me? Huh?

Did I... did I Win?

Winners don't sit on floors.

I didn't win.

Hey, but look
at the bright side, Malph.

You lasted seconds longer
than the champion alligator.

- Let's get him. Let's get...
- Yeah, come on, Malph.

- That was great.
- It was a great punch, Ralph.

You ain't kidding.

I felt like a railroad spike.

- Am I still pretty?
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.

Let me tell you something,
I'm very proud of you, Malph.

But I lost, Fonz.

Hey, wait a minute.

Now, listen, I'm not all
for fighting, you know.

Sometimes you get your back
against the wall,

you got to do it.

You didn't lose
'cause you didn't run away.

You did good.

Thanks, Fonz.

RALPH:
See you at the party!

I don't have to bring
my rubber nose!

Mine's still swollen!

I Still got it!

(speaking indistinctly)

I haven't got it.

I lost the fight.

L lost Kitty.

Ralph?

I was talking to Rebel.

Yeah. I saw.

Congratulating him.

No.

I was saying good-bye to him.

Forever.

Good-bye?

Forever.

Kitty.

My Kitty.

My Ralph.

I got it back.

Oh, thank you for calling,
Minnie.

Give my love to Mickey.

Well, I am so glad
this fighting business is over.

- I think fighting
is just so silly. -Mmm.

You know, now, in my family,
we used to settle

our differences another way.

Yes, by yelling.

That was just with you, Howard.

We would arm-wrestle.

(laughing)

Arm-wrestle?

Your mother, maybe, but not you.

Yes, me.

You want to give it a try,
big fella?

Come on.

Okay. Let's go.

Listen,
promise you won't hurt me, huh?

All right.

Get your elbow on.

That's it. All right,
whenever you're ready.

(chuckles)

Pretty good. Pretty good.

You want to go upstairs?

No.

Best two out of three, Marion.
Come on.

- Let's go! -J' These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours
and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby a'

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪