01x05 - Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie In Duluth

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pam & Tommy". Aired: February 2022.
Mini-series that depicts the marriage between Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee and the release of their infamous unauthorized sex tape.
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01x05 - Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie In Duluth

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The tape.

f*ck the police!

We'll get our own guy.

- Let me do some digging here.
- [RAND] Ah!

Where the f*ck do I find this guy?

He's not here. Don't worry.

He'll turn up eventually.

[RAND] Seattle. Let me guess... webcams.

- Very good, yeah.
- [RAND] They say it's

the future of p*rn.

And I would agree with them.

[TOMMY] I love you so much.

[PAM] There's a bunch
of camera guys sitting around

watching us have sex.

Do you have any idea
how humiliating it was?

You're being way too chill.

Every second that passes,
this tape could be spreading.

Baby, we will get it back.

- This'll all be fine!
- Hey, Tommy?

You did the right thing by coming in.

♪ ♪


[TOMMY] Hey, gorgeous.

- My God.
- [PAM] Just driving, baby.


[PAM] f*ck. Look at
my beautiful husband.


- I love you!

- What's up?

What's up? Whoo!

Did he just honk a boat
horn with his penis?

Yes, he did.

The jokes, they write themselves.

- He's never gonna go for it.
- Jay loves d*ck jokes.

He did two years straight on Bobbitt.

Do you think it's too risqué or...

Not too risqué.

Too obscure.

[AS JAY] If Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie

in Duluth don't know about it...

You do the shittiest Leno.


♪ ♪


Come in.

Got a sec?

It's all over town.

They're selling it
online through a website.

There's so many angles to it:
technology, celebrity, privacy.

- Are you pitching a story?
- Why not?

The Los Angeles Times
is not doing a story

on a sex tape.

A celebrity sex tape

that's being commercially sold.

I'm confounded by what aspect
of this you consider news.

It's totally news.
Nothing like this has ever...

I'm sorry, Alicia.

You want to write a story
about Pam Anderson

having sex on a boat,

you're free to go write
for the National Enquirer.

Oh, shit. You have it?

[PAM] He goes, "Are you sure
you don't want a stunt double?"

I'm like, "Hell no.

Put me on that motorcycle. Let's go."


I mean, what choice do I have?

I mean, you try finding

a stuntman that matches my measurements.


It feels like you and
Barb have a lot in common.

Yeah. Well, no... well, I hope so.

I mean, she's kind of my idol.

What would you say is your
favorite thing about her?

[PAM] Oh, God. Good question.

Um, I guess I would have
to say her... toughness.

- Yeah?
- [PAM] Yeah, you know, no matter

what life throws at her
and no matter how bad it gets,

she just... fearlessly powers through.

Do you feel like you take
after her in that way?

I mean, not to pat myself on
the back or anything, but yes.

- [PAM] Definitely.

You know, when something bad happens,

all I want to do is move on,

move past it, put it
behind me, you know?

Does that usually work out for you?

Bad stuff happens, you know?

What's the point in dwelling on it?


♪ ♪



What are you doing?

♪ ♪

[TOMMY] I was, um... [CHUCKLES]

I was, you know...


[SIGHS] Come here.

[PAM] Oh.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] You want to know a secret?



I'm really...

- Yeah.
- Sad.

♪ ♪

I know.

Me too.

You seem fine.

Tommy, I'm not fine. I'm just...

I'm distracted.

- How'd it go?

- The Glamour interview?
- Yeah.

It was great. We spoke
for, like, two hours.


I can't believe I'm actually
gonna be in a women's magazine.


I'm so stoked for you.

Thank you. It's exciting.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

I was thinking, uh,

maybe I could make dinner later.

I can't tonight. I'm going out.

- You are?
- I'm sorry, baby.

Remember, it's that...
Entertainment Weekly thingy.

- [TOMMY] Oh, that's tonight.
- Yeah.

[TOMMY] Hmm.

- Come on.
- Hey, sure.

- You can do it.
- Of course.

[LAUGHS] f*ck it.

- Of course.
- [PAM] Come on.

"[Alanis Morissette's
You Oughta Know" playing]

♪ 'Cause the love
that you gave that we made ♪

♪ Wasn't able to make it enough ♪

♪ For you to be open wide ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ And every time you speak
her name, does she know ♪

♪ How you told me you'd
hold me until you d*ed ♪

♪ Till you d*ed, but
you're still alive ♪

♪ And I'm here to remind you ♪

♪ Of the mess you left
when you went away ♪

♪ It's not fair to deny me ♪

♪ Of the cross I bear
that you gave to me ♪

♪ You, you, you ♪

[Sleater-Kinney's "A Real Man" playing]

Refill, por favor!

[SLEATER-KINNEY] ♪ Feels so nice ♪

♪ All girls should have a real man ♪

The f*ck is this shit?

It's Sleater-Kinney. So f*cking good.

want your kind of love ♪

♪ I don't wanna join your club ♪

♪ I don't want your kind of love ♪

♪ If you had it in your thighs ♪

♪ You'll see that it feels so nice ♪

♪ You wait, you'll come every time ♪

♪ I'm not that dumb, I don't wanna ♪

♪ I don't wanna join your club ♪


♪ ♪

Oh, shit.

Tommy f*cking Lee.

- [TOMMY] 'Sup, brother?
- [PERSON ] Yo, big fan, man.

[TOMMY] Ah, thanks, bro.

- Yo.
- Oh, that tape.


That's the best thing you've put out

since "Girls, Girls, Girls," yo.

"Girls, Girls, Girls."

That was .

- [RORY] Yeah.
- [MARK] Yeah.


And you think that's

the best thing I've done in nine years?

- Oh, no. No, no.
- Sounded like you said...

- That's not what I meant.
- No, that's what you said.

- You f*ck!
- Hey, hey, hey!

[TOMMY] You f*ck! Get off me!

Get off me, you f*ck!


We start tonight with the latest antics

from Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee.

The notorious bad boy rocker
got himself thrown out

of The Viper Room early this morning

after getting into an
alleged altercation

with a pair of men in
the club's restroom.

Eyewitnesses said Lee,
the hubby of Baywatch babe

Pamela Anderson, appeared
to be highly intoxicated

as he was forcibly
removed from the infamous

Sunset Strip nightclub
by security personnel.

[GAIL] This is not helpful.

Everything he does reflects on you.

If he is a train wreck, you are
a train wreck by association.

[SIGHS] I understand.

Classy A-list actresses
do not have this stuff.

You don't see Hard Copy doing
a story on Sandra Bullock's

husband getting tossed
out of The Viper Room.

No. No, I get it.

I'll talk to him. It won't happen again.

I hope not, for your sake, Pammy.


[SIGHS] What was it about anyway?

- Um...
- The fight?


Um, well, it's nothing.

- Um...
- Pamela?

[PAM] It's nothing.
It's nothing. It's...

Is there something I should know about?


I mean, it's super underground.

I mean, barely anybody knows about it.

How many copies have they sold?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I don't know.

I mean, , .

[GAIL] Has anybody written about it yet?

Oh, you mean press? No.

- I don't think so.
- [GAIL] You don't think?

I mean, I haven't exactly
combed through newsstands.

- [GAIL] Did you do a web search?
- No.

A bunch of publications
are on there now.

Started, like, three months ago.

The whole paper, in computer form.


That's crazy.

Look, I mean, I... I somehow
doubt they're writing

about a sex tape.

Maybe not The New York Times.

Star Magazine has a website,

National Enquirer, USA Today.

You can search through
all of them at once.

Any mention of the tape from
any publication with a site.

I can't look. I can't look.


- [GAIL] All clear.
- Oh, God.

- Thank God.
- [GAIL] No news.

Just the links to the video.

That's good.




♪ ♪

Oh, no.

It's spreading.

There's a half dozen
different websites selling it.

Well, maybe he's got
a bunch of f*cking websites.

With, um... different prices,

different addresses,
different cover art.

People are making copies.

- We'll figure it out, baby.
- "Figure it out."

Tommy, you just...

God, you just don't f*cking get it!

- Get what?
- It's too late!

Train's left the station.

Okay, so what do you want from me?

What do I want? I
wanted you to handle it.

Well, I did my best, all right?

I did the best I f*cking possibly could.

[LAUGHS] You sure about that?

What the f*ck's that supposed to mean?

Maybe, on some level, you
wanted this to happen.

- Excuse me?
- Maybe you like the attention.

- That's insane.
- Yeah, or maybe you're scared.

- Oh, I'm scared.
- Yeah, of me.

You're scared of me and my career!

Oh, my God, that's right,

'cause you're about to blow up, right?

Right? And I'm f*cking your shit up.

And I'm scared of getting left behind!

Oh, my God. That is f*cked up, Pamela.

That is seriously f*cked up
that you would even...

Even think that.

I'm not saying you'd do it on purpose.

- So then what, subliminal?
- Yeah, maybe.

All I do is root for you!
I want you to be huge!

I want you to be the
biggest f*cking movie star

in the entire f*cking world.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- I f*cking hope so.
- You hope so?


- You hope so.
- Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

By the way, I sold
million f*cking albums!


♪ ♪



♪ ♪




- What's up, Rose?
- Hi, Tommy.

- They're all here.
- Are they?

- Even Vince?
- Believe it or not.


[ROSE] You're in B.



f*cking stripped down.

You know, raw, almost
like kind of punk rock

but with kind of, like,
a blues boogie vibe.

- [MICK] Yeah.
- Yeah, I like that.

[NIKKI] Early Aerosmith.

Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

Yo. f*ck's this studio B shit?

[NIKKI] A's booked, man.

By who?

Hi. Hi.

Hey. Who the f*ck are you guys?

Third Eye Blind.

♪ ♪

Well, I got bad news for
you, Third Eye Blind.

Studio A is Motley Crue room.

Really? That's funny,

'cause we're booked into
it for the next six weeks.

- By who?
- Our label.

- Who the f*ck's your label?
- Elektra.


Hmm, that's...

That's our label, Nikki.

- f*ck, man.
- Yeah, what the f*ck?

They book these ass clowns
in the big room over us?

Guess so.

Sorry, man.

Doesn't matter.

♪ ♪


[TIM] The hottest toy this season

is something called Tickle Me Elmo.

Apparently millions of children
are dying to get their hands

on the doll which gives off
a high-pitched giggle

when you touch it.

Children touch it, and
it giggles with glee.

I thought there was
already something that fit

that description: Michael Jackson.

[JAY] Funny, I think
we already did it, though.

- What else?
- [MIKE] Julia Roberts

and Lyle Lovett are filing for divorce.

Apparently the breakup is mutual.

Lyle wanted his freedom, and
Julia finally bought glasses.

That's good. That's funny. What else?

A tape of Pamela Anderson
and Tommy Lee is going around

depicting the two of
them engaged in all sorts

of X-rated sex acts.

Pamela offered no comment on the matter.

Not because she refused
but because she still

doesn't have the
feeling back in her jaw.

- What tape?

There's this sex tape.
It's all over the place.

People are making copies
of it, playing it at parties.

Oh, yeah, where? In Laurel Canyon?

Hey, it's bigger than you think.

A lot of people know about it.

Who knows about it?

Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie in Duluth?

[CHRIS] I mean maybe not them, but...

[JAY] But who?

Oh, cat's got his tongue.

All right, let's come
up with more stuff.

Come on, you guys are writers.
Let's go, what else?

All right, uh, Attorney
General Janet Reno says

the FBI's closing in
on the b*mb.

♪ ♪


- Hello.
- [ALICIA] Uh, Mr. Lee?

- Who's this?
- [ALICIA] Hi.

Um, uh, hello. Hi, my
name is Alicia Krentz.

I'm with the Los Angeles Times.

The L.A. Times. What do you want?

Um, I don't know if you've
been getting my messages,

but I've been trying to reach
you for about a week now.

[TOMMY] Okay.

I was hoping to talk
to you about the tape.

You want to talk about the tape?

[ALICIA] If you have a couple minutes,

I'd love to just get your opinion.

My opinion on getting f*cking burgled

and having to deal
with assholes like you?

f*ck off!

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

It was stolen... the tape.

It was in a safe stolen
from their house.

It's not clear if whoever
took it was targeting the tape

or if they just happened
to stumble upon it,

but either way, it was
definitively stolen.

They did not want this out there,

and they certainly did not want it sold.

Speaking of which, there's more

than the one site selling it now.

Pirated copies are sprouting
up all over the web.

Bootlegs of a stolen celebrity sex tape.

I get your reluctance, given
the admittedly tawdry nature

of it all, but I am telling you, Bert,

this is news.

♪ ♪

Bob, when you have a minute,
you really should see this.

♪ ♪

[BOB] Is this for real?

It's the realest thing
you've seen in a long time.

♪ ♪

Everything's gonna be okay.


♪ ♪

The tape is gonna go away.

♪ ♪

And Barb Wire's gonna be
the biggest movie in the world.

Tommy's new album's gonna be
the biggest album in the world.

♪ ♪

And we're gonna
get pregnant again.

♪ ♪

And we're gonna have a long
and happy marriage

and a beautiful family.

♪ ♪

Everything's gonna be
beautiful and perfect...


♪ ♪


[TOMMY] Pamela!

- Pamela!
- [PAM] Whoa.


- Hey, what?
- Bob Guccione,

- he's got the tape.
- [PAM] Wait, what?

- f*cking shit never ends.
- [PAM] Wait.

What are you talking about?

[TOMMY] Mickey just called
me, and Donna's best friend

Kimberly was Penthouse
Pet of the Month last December,

and she heard from
somebody at the mansion

he's got ahold of it.

- Well, where did he get it?
- No idea, but all I know

is, we're suing the shit out of him.

- Suing him for what?
- For what he's gonna do.

- [PAM] What's he gonna do?
- Um, if I had to guess,

f*cking running pictures.

- What? No... from the tape?
- [TOMMY] I mean, think about it.

He'd do anything to stick it to Hef,

and what better way than
running a bunch of p*rn sh*ts

of Hef's golden girl,
Ms. Playboy herself?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maybe somebody just gave it to him,

and he watched it, that's it.

You know, he might not
be planning anything.

I thought you were the
one that was obsessed

with shutting this shit down.

I am, I am, I am. God, I am.

I just... Come on, suing Penthouse

when we just... We don't even...

Let's just talk to a lawyer, right?

- Get a professional opinion.
- A lawyer.

[TOMMY] Yeah. Let's
just see what they say.

Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong.

Tommy's absolutely right.

This calls for swift preemptive action.

We file an invasion of privacy lawsuit

against Guccione and the magazine

while simultaneously
requesting injunctive relief.

- Injunctive relief?
- [SANDY] The judge makes sure

they don't publish
any images from the tape,

and if they defy that order, then...

We bring down the shit hammer.

[PAM] Okay, um, yeah, but the tape,

it's stolen property.

I mean, wouldn't it be illegal

for him to run pictures from it?

You think that scumbag
gives a f*ck about legal?

He could always play
the First Amendment card.

Freedom of speech. Freedom of the press.

Totally, he loves that shit.


I'm just... I'm concerned.

What... what...

What's your concern, Pamela?

My concern is,

if he's not planning
to do anything and we sue,

he could suddenly decide
to do it to get back at us.

Plus, if we sue, it puts
all this attention on the tape.

It could turn it
into something way bigger

than it would have been,
and it kills off any chance

of the whole thing, you know,
staying underground

and just kind of
fizzling out on its own.

You know?


You need to sue.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[LAWYER ] If you don't
defend your rights...

It'd be a dangerous precedent to set.

You'd effectively be
letting them dictate

what you can and cannot print.

♪ ♪

This is about freedom of speech.

♪ ♪

The First Amendment.

Nobody's robbing Bob Guccione

of his God-given right
to free expression.

Pull frames, the nastiest bits,

and draw up a press release.

Penthouse has the
Pamela Anderson sex tape

and is publishing stills.

They want chicken, let's
play some f*cking chicken.

♪ ♪

- [BURT] Yes?

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
are suing Penthouse.

Guccione's planning
to run images from the tape

in the magazine.

♪ ♪

Now is it news?

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

Oh, honey, how could you not tell me?

I would have told you
in no uncertain terms,

do not do it.

Well, the lawyers...
Every single one of them...

- Said to sue.
- Of course they did.

They're lawyers.

And Tommy. Tommy did too.

Another alpha male.

We had to defend our rights.

It sets a bad precedent.

Who told you that,

the one in the red tie
or the blue paisley?

Well, you try saying no
to a roomful of men.

Honey, I do it all day long.

- Yeah, well, you know what?

I guess it's easier for some women.

No. It's not easy for any woman.

We are programmed from birth
to say yes to men,

but it is a skill you gotta learn.

I mean, this is just... ugh.

It's buried toward the back. I mean...

maybe nobody will even see it.


[Stereo MC's' "Connected"]

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah,
something ain't right ♪

- The hell?
- You believe that?

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I'm gonna get myself,
I'm gonna get myself ♪

♪ I'm gonna get myself connected ♪

♪ I ain't gonna go blind ♪

♪ For the light which is reflected ♪

♪ I see through you ♪

♪ I see through you ♪

♪ I see through you ♪

♪ I see through you ♪


♪ Your dirty tricks ♪

♪ You make me sick ♪

♪ I see through you ♪


Okay, I need this to move
a little bit this way.

♪ Gonna do it again ♪

- Ah!
- Okay, I can move myself.

♪ I'm gonna do it again ♪


♪ Gonna do it again ♪

♪ Gotta do right ♪

♪ 'Cause something ain't right ♪

♪ Gotta do right ♪

[TOMMY] You want some?

It was the right move.

He was gonna do it
whether we sued or not.

Least now there's a
chance of stopping him.

Will you please say something?

You're seriously not gonna say anything?

- Come on.
- Please don't.

I'm trying.

I feel like nothing I do
is good enough for you.

I mean, I can't win.

What do you want from me?

- What else do you...
- Don't. Just shut up.

Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!


♪ ♪

It's one stupid little article!

I can be bad. [GIGGLES]


It's my first time.

♪ ♪

Oh, you want to see a little more?

I can show you a little bit.

Oh, yes.

You want me to be your b*tch?

I mean, what if I take it off?

♪ ♪


♪ ♪


f*ck Seattle.



- [PAM] This is Pam.
- [TOMMY] And this is...

[PAM] No, Tommy! Seriously.

- This is Pam.
- [TOMMY] Please leave a message!


[GAIL] Hey, Pamela, it's Gail.

I just tried your cell.
Listen, give me a call.

It's about Glamour.

I just got a call from my person there.

Just, um...

Yeah... yeah, just call me.

[JAY] Oh, speaking of Bob Dole,
yesterday the senator

att*cked President Clinton's
record on crime, yeah.

Yeah, he said Clinton
talks like Dirty Harry

- but acts like Barney Fife.
- Night, babe.

[JAY] Yeah, apparently
this is Dole's way

of connecting with the youth vote.


Let's see. What else is going on?

Oh, yeah, I don't know
if you guys heard about this.

You heard about this?

Apparently there's a
love tape going around

of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

Mm, yeah.

Yeah, a video showing
the two of them doing

all sorts of X-rated things
to each other on a boat.

Mm-hmm, apparently they spend most

of the video completely naked, yeah.

Or as Pam likes to call it, work attire.


Yeah, boating safety experts

are praising Pam for the tape.

In it, she sports not one
but two flotation devices.

Big ones. Real big ones.

She'll float. She'll float forever.

We got a great show for you tonight.

The Goo Goo Dolls are
here. Stick around.

We'll be right back.



♪ ♪

[SANDY] Well, we had this conversation.

Look, we filed a continuance,

so we don't have to deal
with that right now.

♪ ♪

Hold on one second.


- Yeah?
- [SANDY] Is this the only page?

Uh, yes. Why?

I gotta call you back.

♪ ♪

Um, okay.

"Pursuant to rules and
of the California rules

of civil procedure,
you are hereby notified

tat on April , ,
at : a.m.

counsel for defendants
will take the deposition

"of Pamela Anderson Lee

upon oral examination."


What? Why is it just me?

Maybe they come separate.

I don't know why they need
to talk to either of us.

We're the f*cking plaintiffs.

What's there to say? That's our shit.

Quit it.

Doesn't matter. We're in this together.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪
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