Last chance.
Where's Melkray headed?
Oh, you'll just have
to figure that out.
See, Melkray and me--
we're friends to the end.
I personally led
his private guard
when we destroyed the
army of Lindmuth
not that Lindmuth
had much of an army.
I've seen better
warriors in a schoolyard.
Well, school's out.
Meet some of the warriors
from Lindmuth's army--
your new roomies.
He's heading towards Parsipedus.
He's taking the road
through the mountains.
He's camping by the lake!
He wears red leather armor,
and he-- sleeps with
his back to the door!
All right, all right.
You-- put him in a cell on his own.
If you're telling the truth,
I'll be back.
If not-- you rot.
Come on!
♪ Joxer the Mighty. ♪
♪ I roam through
the country-side. ♪
♪ I never need a place to hide. ♪
♪ With Gabby as his sidekick. ♪
- Joxer?
- Xena!
You're here.
Word must be out on me.
There's blood on my hands.
Looks like you've been
pecked by a chicken.
It was my prize chicken.
That's what he
gets for stealing it.
I didn't steal it.
I liberated it!
But I came this close to m*rder.
Those little beaks are sharp.
I'll pay for the chicken.
Joxer, go into town; tell Gabrielle
I've gone to Parsipedus.
Xena, it's only a matter of time.
These hands are lethal weapons,
and there is no telling
what they might do.
Joxer, you can barely k*ll time.
It's just not you.
Good boy.
With a few changes, it could be me!
Could be me.
Easy, now.
Nice and slow.
Hurry!
Patience.
A good thief--
like a good lover--
takes his time-- has patience.
Just-- get the sword.
You see, the security
system is pressure-sensored.
I wouldn't want to upset the
delicate balance now, would we?
Shut up!
Diamonds and rubies--
and pearls.
Oh, my!
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Shall we?
What in Tartarus?!
Hey! That's my sword!
What was that all about?!
He was a w*rlord;
no one will mourn his death.
Well, that may be, but cold-blooded
m*rder was not part of the plan.
I don't do m*rder.
You'd better get used to it!
A good assassin does many.
Anyway-- stealing a sword
is only one part of my plan.
Does your plan, by chance,
involve any other murders?
Count on it.
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
[font color="#d "]The King Of Assassins[/font]
Fishcakes!
Well-- I guess I won't be
needing this, anymore.
Get ready for Joxer,
the Dangerous.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, uh-- you?
Now, take it easy.
I can explain everything.
Don't-- don't get carried away.
- Where?
- Here-- here--
here's your sword.
There you go.
- Oh, listen, I think you've got--
- No, I didn't mean to take it with me.
You know, I'm gonna
tell you something.
I've been checking on you,
and the word on the street
is that you are-- the best.
You are-- the man.
You're just--
a little too dangerous for me.
Ah, listen. I think y--
yeah, I, um--
I am pretty dangerous--
aren't I?
- So, you're OK with this, then?
- Yeah!
- No hard feelings?
- No
We're both professionals,
of course.
Sure!
You go your way, and I'll go mine.
But first, you're gonna tell me
how dangerous I am.
Ah, well, I certainly
know that the people
you're hired to take care of
always manage to, uh-- go away.
And that, uh-- just being
around you is very, um-- dangerous.
Yeah-- as a matter of fact,
danger is my middle name--
D-A-N-J--
Three hours, Joxer.
I waited for you for three hours--
with a bunch of drunken,
horny half-wits!
I have been grabbed more
times than the golden fleece!
I was just out
getting new clothes!
You like them?
Gabrielle, what are you doing?
This man is a k*ller!
I saw him m*rder a man, last night.
Him? He was in prison
last night for chicken theft.
Well, then who--?
But he looked
exactly like you--
same long, ferret face;
beady eyes; slack jaw; pasty--
OK, I got it; I got it!
Another man looks like Joxer?
If he's an assassin,
it's probably my brother, Jet.
Jet.
Brother?
You mean to tell me
that this guy is
not a cold,
calculating assassin?
Him?
Let me tell you what
the real Joxer is like.
Dangerous, huh? You want dangerous?
I'll give you dangerous!
Wait! Now let's just calm down,
and-- and figure this out.
OK.
Now--
why is it that you never mentioned
that you had a brother?
'Cause I was embarassed, OK?
OK-- I guess it would--
would be hard--
knowing that your
brother is an assassin.
You don't know the half of it!
My whole life's been,
'Jet stole some horses;
Jet torched a village;
Jet k*lled the neighbors.
My parents were so proud.
Back up.
They were proud of
the black sheep of the family?
No, I'm the black sheep.
My father's a w*rlord.
My mother's a w*rlord's wife.
My whole family's like that.
But, Jet--
how do you compete with
an over-achiever like that?
We stop him.
- Excuse me?
- Excuse me?
Jet--
he's going to m*rder someone
and we have to stop him.
Who could it be?
He wanted you to steal the sword
and then k*ll someone with it.
Yeah.
Now, wait a minute.
And then frame the owner of
the sword, and nobody
would be the wiser.
- Sure.
- You follow me?
Not in a million years--
the owner of the sword
happens to be dead.
He was some bigshot w*rlord--
no one's gonna miss him.
- Yeah.
- Still--
the m*rder w*apon
would be untraceable.
- But who could the target be?
- Oh, well-- you know--
Jet doesn't work cheaply,
so it's probably a bigwig.
He hires a thief to
steal a w*apon--
placing the w*apon in
the room before the m*rder.
It's clever.
I know what we have to do.
Well-- I hope it includes Xena,
because it's not
going to include me.
Autolycus, you have to
go through with this.
When he makes contact with you,
we will set a trap
and catch him in the act.
It's a good plan.
Hey, I've been watching Xena;
I know how she thinks.
All right, let me
get this straight.
You want me to sneak the
m*rder w*apon into a castle,
to stop his lunatic brother from
assassinating someone we don't
even know,
for no gain whatsoever?
Exactly.
I don't think so--
I'm not as dumb as he looks.
Yeah, I'm not half as d--
Autolycus, an innocent
person is going to die.
No he isn't, because he's leaving.
Goodbye.
If Jet is not captured,
he'll know you ran out on him,
and he'll hunt you down.
That's a risk I'll happily take.
It's a chance to do
something really good.
And get a big reward.
Oh, she had to say the R word.
Come here! Come here!
What's this?! Get out of here!
Hold it right there.
Well-- this should be interesting.
No one with a w*apon
gets inside that castle.
Yeah-- interesting.
The security must be here
because Jet's target has arrived.
- Could be.
- Yeah.
There's a concept
called personal space.
Look into it.
Hey, I'm just trying to
broaden my knowledge.
You might be the King of Thieves,
but I am Master of Mayhem.
There's a lot we can learn
from each other, you know.
Sure.
Hey, why don't you
start by teaching me
how to disappear
without a trace?
OK. First--
Why exactly is he here?
He knows Jet.
No, in a grander sense.
Why is he here?
OK, here's the plan.
When you get inside, go to
the room Jet told you to go to.
Leave the sword where
he said to leave it,
and wait for him
to make contact.
What if, in the process--
he kills the person with the sword,
because he found it where I put it?
Well, if it were as
simple as m*rder,
he would have done that by now.
- Yeah.
- There has to be a second part.
He won't k*ll right away.
So, you're saying this is
what Xena would do.
Oh, yes-- mostly--
probably.
Look-- she did the same
thing when she had
to sneak a baby into
King Gregor's castle.
King Gregor was
k*lled by a baby?
When you get into the
room, drop a rope
outside the window,
and we'll climb up.
Right now, just concentrate on
getting that sword past the dog.
Please-- after all,
you are dealing with--
the King of Thieves.
You-- Master Moron-- let's go.
All right now, Joxer,
listen to me very carefully.
I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get that guard,
knock him out,
drag him into the woods,
take his uniform, and sneak
into the castle-- right?
Yeah-- something
like that.
Hey, you've got
strong hands.
Sure-- like a k*ller.
All right, k*ller, here.
Hold your hand out like that.
- Like that?
- Yeah-- like you're gonna
grab something really hard.
- Like that?
- You ready?
- Yeah--
- Yeah, now grab!
- Hey!
- Guards!
Lady.
Oh, Lady. Oh, Lady.
Can you believe that?!
He was fondling her behind!
You f*ndled her behind?!
No, I did not.
I can't believe that you did that!
OK-- I'll take care of him.
You worthless excuse
for a husband!
Come on!
You sure handled that
rift-raft pretty well.
Yeah, I like to think so.
I think you've got 'Captain of
the Guards' written all over you.
Yeah?
It's been a long time coming.
I'll bet it has. Well, you keep up
the good work, huh?
Yeah-- I'll do that.
Well--
I do love my work.
This way, your Highness.
Remove her robe.
Ooh, by all means.
Hang this up.
Oh, there's a word
for people like me--
lucky.
Your bath is ready,
Queen Cleopatra.
Cleopatra?
I've d*ed and gone to Olympus.
Cover her!
Almost to the top.
OK-- back to the show.
Get up!
Is there a Plan B?
Yeah-- we let the
guards take us
prisoner and throw
us into the dungeon.
That's the dumbest idea--
I have ever--
That's better.
Gently.
Here we go-- nice and easy.
Get into the bath.
Get out!
Turn around, Cleo.
One moment!
You wish to see me, my Queen?
Yes. I am impatient, Pontius.
I have been here three days
and yet, no one has come.
The invitations were
only sent out yesterday.
By dusk tomorrow, you will have
your choice of armies.
I want the best.
My future is riding on this.
Ptolemy is sure to know
where you are by now.
There can be no reconciliation
with my brother.
Ptolemy has stolen my throne.
I am the rightful ruler of Egypt--
by birth and by
the will of the people.
I intend to have the best
army Greece has to offer--
- Sword-- right, right here.
- march into Egypt--
- All right-- the sword.
- and take back what is mine.
Yes, my Queen.
No one can fault you for taking
back what is rightfully yours.
Who are you?
Who am I? Who am I?
That's a very good question.
Under the circumstances,
I would say that is
an excellent question.
I don't waste my time
with bad thieves.
Bad thie--?
I'll have you know,
I am the King of--
security for my boss,
who's a great warrior--
who happens to have more than
a passing interest in your charms--
your charming offer
to inv*de Egypt.
Go on.
And-- well,
I-- check out the security before
my boss goes anywhere, and--
I gotta tell ya--
this place is lacking.
My chief of security is
very good at what he does.
You must just be very good at
what you do.
- You don't know the half--
- Still--
give me one good reason
why I shouldn't call him now.
One reason, one reason--
yes, well, uh--
you're looking for
the best warrior.
I happen to work for the best.
Surely you've
heard of-- Xena.
I think I bruised my brain.
Gabrielle-- do you
see a bruise here?
It's just a minor setback.
No plan is foolproof.
- It depends on the fool.
- They're going to question us.
We have to get
our stories straight.
I know, uh-- wait!
We can tell them we're
circus performers,
and we were just rehearsing an act.
- Where does it hurt?
- Right there.
My name is Pontius--
chief of security for Cleopatra.
Cleopatra?
You were caught trying
to break into the castle.
That is a very serious offense.
Have you ever heard of
the world-famous Rigulian
Sisters circus?
Don't listen to her.
Look-- I know there's gonna be
an assassination attempt
on Queen Cleopatra,
and I'm here to warn you.
Assassination?
Alert the guard.
Lock all the gates until
the intruder is found.
No one is allowed in or out.
Hmm, we'd heard that
Ptolemy might try this.
I'm afraid I can't let you
leave the castle right now,
but please-- stay--
as guests of the Queen.
Release them.
The man is a genious.
That's the assassin you hired?
First-- he manages to get
himself into the castle.
Next-- he gives me a legitimate
reason to lock all the doors.
When he kills Cleopatra,
Ptolemy's gonna make me
a very wealthy man.
Who's the girl?
Oh, he's a man's man.
The girl is obvious.
She's certainly not here to think.
What were you thinking?
There's no reason for
both of us to get the a*.
What's that?
Look-- I'm sorry, Gabrielle.
This is for your own protection.
My brother's a k*ller.
I don't want you in
the way when I stop him.
Joxer!
Thank you, my good man.
Thank you very much.
Now, when Cleopatra's ready
to finish our little chat,
you just come and
get me, all right?
Here's a little something
for your troubles.
Anytime-- anytime, indeed.
Well, hello there.
You can call me Auto.
Can I call you Cleo?
So soon?
Well-- can't say as I blame her.
You? What took you so long?
Hey, where's Gabrielle?
You know what? Never mind.
You just tell her I've got
everything under control.
Now, b*at it.
What a loser!
Oh, Jet.
Hello, and how nice
to see you again.
Easy on the throat, can you?
I've got this silly
little breathing habit.
I barely made it in before
they locked the doors.
You know what puts me in
a foul mood, Autolycus?
When my business partners--
run out on me.
Is that what you think?
I'm shocked.
You're deceased.
Then what was I doing in
Cleopatra's room, huh?
Just following your orders.
Where's the sword?
In her chambers, right
where you wanted it.
When we got separated,
I thought I'd go ahead
with the plan,
because I knew you'd show up.
Good-- wait here
while I k*ll her.
Sure, I-- Now?
You mean, there isn't a--
second part to your plan?
No.
Oh, see-- that's
a bad idea.
'Cause, uh, security--
well, it's on high alert--
and, uh-- there's guards--
all through the chambers--
and no one-- I mean, no one,
gets in to see her.
Autolycus--
Cleopatra will see you now.
Except me.
You're good.
Once you're inside--
dismiss Cleopatra's guards.
That'll be-- my signal-- to strike.
You need help.
Gabrielle, you
have a plan.
Nothing is set in stone.
Flexibility--
that's the key!
What would Xena do?
I hope you don't mind.
I find a bath can be quite
relaxing during negotiations--
unless it distracts you.
Distracts me?
Beautiful woman lying
naked in a bathtub?
Where was I?
We were negotiating
for your client's services.
Ah, yes--
but I think I should
warn you, Cleopatra.
I drive a hard bargain.
I think you'll find
my offer quite, um--
generous.
No doubt.
You certainly have
a lot of-- assets.
But, how will I know what you
have to offer will satisfy me?
Well, let's just say,
I've never had any complaints.
But I'm reluctant
to dive right in.
You see, first, I need to know--
when-- where-- and how often?
I'll let you know as soon as
you make a firm offer.
Are you firm yet, Autolycus?
I don't know.
I haven't seen your bottom line.
Let's put this deal
to bed, shall we?
Love to.
Guards! Leave us!
Guards-- leave us!
No-- no, wait, uh--
they have to stay.
Any business transaction
requires-- witnesses.
Kinky.
I've just cut off the
flow of blood to your limbs.
The numbness is setting in.
Nope! I seem to be fine.
Don't do that.
I didn't want to
resort to v*olence,
but lives are at stake!
Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer.
Joxer, Joxer.
You are so lucky you're
still alive, right now.
Don't you ever lock me in
a cell like that, again.
Now, we have to get
this plan back on track.
Have you seen your brother?
No, I haven't, but he must be
around here, somewhere.
Well, look-- let's just split up.
Now, if I see him,
I'll come and find you.
I think you can handle your
brother better than I can.
I'll probably get
myself k*lled, or--
No, no--
he'd never k*ll you
Deep down inside,
he's got a heart of gold.
I'm the loser.
Don't say that
about yourself.
You are worth
a thousand Jets.
You don't know how long
I've waited for this moment
all the years of torment;
all the teasing.
It all ends here, my brother.
And you know what?
I'm gonna give you--
the first move-- but beware.
You're fighting Joxer--
the Mighty.
Kind of like looking
in the mirror--
eh, Brother?
Been a long time, Joxer.
But you got this coming to ya.
No!
Come here!
You little ugly excuse for
a brother! Give me a hug!
Oh, Jet, don't! Don't!
Ah, not that! Not the finger!
Cut it out!
I know you're after Cleopatra,
and I'm not gonna let you do it!
Make me.
- I don't--
- have to! Jinx!
You're a riot, Jox.
I don't know how
you found out--
but seeing you
sure explains a lot.
Hey-- nice clothes.
Thanks.
Copy-cat.
Hey-- is Jase here, too?
Don't mention our
brother's name in public.
Oh, yeah-- I forgot.
- What's that?
- What?
How long has it been?
Five years? Six?
Let me count the assassinations.
That's how I keep track.
a* m*rder in Athens.
I'm serious!
Things are different, now.
I've seen evil,
and I've changed my ways!
Bro-- if you saw evil--
you'd have to change your pants.
Look-- Xena taught me.
I travel with her, now.
You're friends with Xena, now.
Maybe you taught
Hercules a thing or two.
♪ Joxer, the tidy; ♪
♪ He always inside-ey. ♪
♪ Never hurts the other boys, ♪
♪ even when they steal his toys. ♪
Remember that one?
Well, at least Mom sang to me.
Hey-- who's the cute little blonde
who swings the mean stick?
You lay one finger on her,
and I will rip you apart
with my bare ha--
You're not threatening me--
are you Jox?
No.
Hey-- I missed ya.
We should get together.
But for now--
don't get in my way.
Sorry, Brother--
I can't let you do it.
You do drive a hard bargain.
Consider our relationship--
consummated.
Pleasure doing business
with you, Cleo.
Why, thank you.
Oh, hot towel.
Well, I could get used
to this in a hurry.
Hey, it feels pretty good.
A little lower, Sweetie.
Gabrielle?
Have you found Jet?
Yes. He's waiting nearby
for the guards to leave,
so he can come in
and finish the job.
You know, for your information,
there was no second
part to his plan.
Why don't we just tell Cleopatra?
No, no, no. We have Jet right
where we want him.
Now, I have to get to Pontius--
without raising suspicion.
I thought you had
it all figured out.
Ah, Cleopatra.
I've got to talk to Pontius
about your security.
I'd like to meet him in my room.
Ah, you, girl, go fetch him.
Yes, my Lord.
Until later, my Sweet.
I could find uses for that man.
Did I just see--
what I thought I saw?
Oh, Autolycus.
Thank goodness it's you.
It's me-- Joxer!
How can I be sure?
I'm hanging from the
wall by my underwear.
Good point.
All right now, listen. Jet is just
waiting for those guards to leave.
Gabrielle is going to get Pontius.
So, with some luck,
he'll be ex*cuted by nightfall,
and I can get back to
negotiating with Cleopatra.
Wait a minute; wait a minute.
He might be a k*ller,
but he's still my brother.
Are you serious?
What did you think was gonna happen?
A slap on the wrist?
The man is an assassin.
And you're perfect, Autolycus?
Look, look-- I just might be able
to convince him to do good--
like Xena did for me--
and like Hercules did for you.
Two things. One, I find it
very hard to believe
that this is
the improved you;
and two, I am only
in this for the reward.
No-- you've got
a good heart, Autolycus.
Well, that may be,
but I'd like to keep it here
b*ating happily in my chest.
And while Jet is alive,
there is no guarantee of that.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, let's go.
Pontius--
it's me, it's Gabrielle.
Don't let the
disguise fool you.
Now, look, we have the
assassin cornered.
He's near Cleopatra's room.
If we move now, we can catch him.
Are you sure you know
what he looks like?
Yeah-- he looks like the guy
I came here with.
Found him in the hallway.
Did you tell him?
This is what you're looking for.
Guards.
All part of Xena's plan,
I'm sure.
I don't know what tavern
you met this girl in,
but she almost blew
your entire plan.
What?
Right-- Jet.
Your boss realized
I knew who you were-- Jet.
There's no stopping you now.
- Why do you keep calling me--?
- Jet.
Becuase you're the best
assassin, aren't you--?
- Jet.
- Jet.
Yes, uh yes, I am.
Yes, um-- it was
you and I all along!
They were just dupes--
in-- my plan.
Now-- nothing can stop us!
Yes, yes of course.
Lock them in the dungeon.
Hey!
Now-- assassin-- do your job.
It's brother against brother.
Oh, brother.
Well, there's one down.
You just had to tell 'em
you're the King of Thieves.
Yeah, I worked hard
for that title, Princess.
You know, this would be
easy if I had my tools.
At least Joxer is still out there.
Ah yes, the rebel
without a clue--
and the girl with a plan.
'I've been watching Xena.
This is what Xena would do.'
OK, so I'm not as good as Xena,
but my plan would have worked
if you had followed it
instead of romancing Cleopatra.
Now, you blaming me!
Oh, that's rich.
You know, once--
I'd like to see one of your
Xena plans-- actually work.
I'm going to be resting.
Do your security checks,
then leave me.
So, Joxer-- is the only one out
there trying to find Jet.
Now, I must be
missing something, here.
Gabrielle, why didn't you just--
go to Cleopatra, and tell her
when you knew she was a target?
Now, Xena, that's easy for
you to say. You weren't there.
Gabrielle's plan kept
Jet off-balance long
enough to find a man
on the inside-- right?
Yeah-- that's right-- Pontius.
Pontius, exactly.
Now, frankly, I had my doubts that
there was a man on the inside,
but fortunately, Gabrielle insisted
that we follow her plan.
Good plan.
Now-- Gabrielle,
you find Joxer.
Autolycus, you find Jet.
I'm going to get to Cleopatra.
Right.
Thank you.
You may be a thief, but--
No, don't say it.
All right-- say it.
You have a heart of gold.
Come on.
Time for blood.
Cleopatra. We have got--
what's with the veil?
I get it.
Nice veil, ah, Cleopatra.
Ah, Joxer. Jet? Joxer.
Wrong-- Jet.
Well, it doesn't matter
who you are--
because I didn't put the sword
where you told me to.
Only I know where it is.
Well, maybe you haven't noticed,
it's not where you left it.
Oh, I hate when
I'm outbluffed.
First-- I'm gonna k*ll you--
and then I'm going to k*ll-- her.
k*ll her?
That's a good one.
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Go ahead.
Show him what you're
made out of-- Cleopatra.
Cleopatra?
Now-- where was I?
Oh, yeah-- m*rder.
Jet.
Get outta here, right now!
Put-- the sword down, Jet.
There's another way.
No, there isn't.
Believe me-- I've considered it.
I don't believe it.
Are you actually gonna fight me?
I have to, Jet.
It's who I am, now.
Mom.
Where?
What?
Be nice.
Why, you--
Wow.
I told you to be nice.
We have company.
How about some?
Step right up! Step right up!
Pick a number.
How are you?
Here you go!
At least-- you'll die.
Nobody hurts my brother--
except me.
The local regent has offered
to try Jet here in Miramus
that is, with your permission.
I owe you my life.
That's not something
I soon forget--
though I don't understand--
why the assassin can't
be ex*cuted here.
Sadly, execution isn't
recognized here in Miramus.
He'll be in prison for life.
Are you ever planning on
coming to Egypt, Xena?
If you do, send word.
I'll plan a reception the world
won't soon forget.
Well-- was that my
invitation to Egypt?
That was a thank you.
My real kisses are
a bit more-- intense.
I'm sorry, Jet.
No hard feelings.
Hey-- I hear they're sending
me to prison in Miramus--
give me a chance
to catch up with Dad.
Joxer--
you got a good thing going here.
Don't blow it.
Don't let anyone tell you who
you are or who you could be--
that includes family.
Hey--
hang onto that little blond.
She's pretty smart.
What's that?
Well--
guess you're all just
gonna be looking
at me a little bit
different, now--
Nope.
I think not.
Same old same old.