Come on!
Xena rocks!
Aphrodite blows!
Delinquent losers!
I've got half a mind
to hit you with--
A love bolt?
Hardly seems a thr*at.
My, my, they certainly
made a mess here.
Back off, Ar,
I'm bummed out enough.
You know what your problem is?
Your little Xena.
Gabrielle, her friend.
See, I only made the warrior.
She made the legend.
Have you read any of her
so-called stories?
A warrior who loves
the common person.
You'd think
she was a goddess.
Pretty soon,
when people think of love,
they're gonna think Xena,
not Aphrodite.
Xena?
Don't blame her.
It's Gabrielle
and her busy quill.
That's your problem.
I love starting
a new scroll.
The feel of it
in your hands, the look.
So clean.
So perfectly empty.
Listen. The way it crinkles
the first time you open it.
And that smell.
It's just a special,
untouched scent.
Try it. It smells like
musty old leather to me.
Well, to the non-creative
person perhaps.
Let's see. Your last
adventure began with--
Don't you ever get tired
of just writing down what I do?
Why don't you create new
characters, new images?
You mean fiction?
Well, I thought
about trying that...
someday.
- Do you really think I could?
- Give it a sh*t... quietly.
Good night.
Xena--
And make someone else
the hero for a change.
Xena had gone fishing.
The lone warrior,
Gabrielle,
awoke with a jerk...
as five barbarians
rode out of the woods.
Twirling her trusty staff,
she delivered her kicks
with such fury.
This fiction stuff
can be really fun.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun.
Xena!
We've got company!
Xena!
Wake up! Wake up!
Xena!
Okay, you asked for it!
Round and up and down she goes.
Where she stops, nobody knows!
She is too much for us!
Let's get out of here!
And don't come back!
Did you see that?
Back flips!
I don't do back flips.
You have armor on under
there? Where's Xena?
Who were those--
What are you--
Wait a minute.
Xena had gone--
The lone warrior, Gabrielle--
As five barbarians--
She started twirling
her trusty staff,
delivering kicks of such fury.
Deflected the thrust of
a sword with her mighty abs.
I wrote this.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you saying anything you
write in there comes true?
Excuse me while I laugh.
Catch.
Something's
wrong with this stick.
- Why'd I do that?
- Because I wrote you did.
I can write anything, and--
and it comes true.
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
[font color="#d "]The Quill Is Mightier...[/font]
In my hands, this scroll
could be a gift to mankind.
Xena will be very proud when
she comes back from fishing.
- Fishing?
- I wrote her fishing.
What did you write
to bring me here?
Like, uh, you know,
Gabrielle...
appeared with a guy
with the heart of a lion,
soul of a warrior,
that kind of thing.
Let's see...
- Xena has gone fis-
- Fishing.
Fishing.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
That's a funny phrase.
I can't find anything.
Must've come here on my own.
- What do we do now?
- What do we do?
What won't we do?
Stories can be anything
we want them to be.
Happy endings can
truly happen, Joxer.
Excuse me. Aren't you
the Sisters of Gaea?
Yes.
Is there-- something that we
can do to, um, help you?
We're collecting
goods for our orphans,
things we can sell
in our shop in town.
If you have anything--
Now, that would fetch
a pretty dinar.
I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't
give this up just for anybody.
Still, for the, uh,
Sisters of Gaea--
She means your scabbard.
Right.
Uh, no, no. I couldn't.
My father gave me this.
It was the only
thing he gave me.
Had to get
the sword myself.
I wouldn't part with
this for anything.
Oh, too bad.
Ceremonial weapons and the like
are a hot commodity in Kargas.
Well, you know, Sister.
I think you're going
to get a surprise gift.
Right about now.
Here.
This will provide for
our orphans for years.
Yes. It's a miracle.
You're welcome.
Give me back
my kinsman's sword.
I just gave it away.
Why did I do that?
Well, it doesn't really
matter now, does it?
Did the little blonde girlie
scare the big hairy men?
We are barbarians.
We fear nothing.
Yeah!
We fight with
the heart of a lion.
And you run with
the feet of a chicken.
Now, get back on your horsies,
and go back after her.
Yes, ma'am.
Barbarians.
We don't need
your money, Joxer.
I've got it covered.
How much
will that be?
Tha--
That will be... free.
All the food is free!
And the drinks are on the house!
You see there?
All the food is free,
and the drinks are on the--
Free mead!
A gift from the gods!
I think I have to be a bit
more careful with the wording.
Good ale.
No way, Ares.
Not until I know for sure
that Xena has left the valley.
I'm giving you my word.
I've taken care of it.
She's gone.
My men might believe that
I can barely hold them back.
They want to loot that
valley now. Xena or no Xena.
But I'm not that stupid.
And how stupid are you?
Stupid enough to call
the God of w*r a liar?
May-may-maybe-- but
I'm definitely not
stupid enough to go
up against Xena.
Keep your men here.
I'll give you a signal.
You'll know Xena's gone then.
But wh-what's
the signal?
You'll know when you see it.
I'll drink to that!
Fill her up!
Well, time's a-wastin'.
We've got a lot of good to
do today, Joxer.
- Lot of good!
- I love you, man.
Ah, you're drunk.
Who you callin' drunk?
Come on, Vilius.
You've had enough.
Who are you to tell
me I've had enough?
You know, there's always one
drunk who spoils it for everyone.
- One drunk?
- Hey, that's my mead!
Couldn't get
any worse.
Well, this wasn't
supposed to happen.
- Where are they?!
- It got worse
You--
You think you can
make fools of us?
We are barbarians.
We will-- go west.
Yes.
We will go west.
The barbarians are headed for
the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!
Minor setback.
They turned east.
No! We go east!
Now they're heading for Akanacia!
The barbarians disappeared
from the land.
This way... to the boats!
We'll become pirates,
and k*ll all who sail the seas.
The barbarians went to the
caves and fell into a deep sleep.
Wait! To the caves.
I'm exhausted.
So this is all the good
you wanted to do, huh?
Forget it. I am not
writing another word.
Yes!
No.
I don't get it.
I mean, my writing has
always been really vivid.
I just am
missing something.
Well, maybe
it's too vivid.
Maybe it needs a little work--
editing or something, you know?
I've got it!
I'm not editing my work.
Joxer, that's it, that's
all I have to do.
I just have to
be more careful.
Do you realize that now that
I know the power of the scroll,
I can end hunger,
I can end disease.
I can end--
I can end w*r.
The will of mortals
won out-- Edit.
And w*r lost all its power.
My powers! What's
happened to my powers?
You! What've you done to me?
Um, it's-it's not my fault. I--
I-I can fix this.
The-The force...
that enchanted the scroll
lost its powers.
Wipeout.
Are you out of your mind?
You gave this blonde harpy...
- powers of destiny?
- No. I enchanted a scroll.
And don't act so surprised.
You wanted me to do it.
No, no.
See, what I wanted...
was for you to go after her so
we could get Xena out of the way.
Exsqueeze me.
It worked, kinda.
Wait a minute.
You wanted Xena out of the way
so you enchanted my scroll?
Ares was being his
usual manipulative self.
He's got some army somewhere
ready to pounce on the valley.
He wanted Xena out of the way,
so he wanted to get me mad at you.
You figured that all out
by yourself, did you?
Hey, don't believe everything
you hear about blondes.
Look, sweet pea,
just give me back my powers.
- Then I'll un-zap the scroll.
- No, no.
Write mine back in first.
That army's waiting for me...
to give them a signal
that Xena's gone.
Not helping your
cause any, slick.
I promise, if you give
me my powers back,
I'll call off the att*ck, okay?
- Pigs can fly?
- You can.
Wait. If you undo the scroll,
Xena's gonna come back,
and then the army won't att*ck.
That makes sense.
Aphrodite is as she was before.
She is as she was before.
It's all in the wording.
Okay, what if we fill up
the scroll completely?
Will that end the curse?
So now it's a curse.
Before, it was a gift.
And, no, once you run out
of room, that's it.
Everything just stays the
way it was when you wrote it.
Look, just write, 'Everything
is as it was before.'
Then we'll all go back
to our baby cribs,
and you'll go back
under your rock.
Did you write him here?
Not exactly, I--
Ah, Gabrielle
awoke with a jerk.
I don't get it. What's
so funny about waking up?
Nonk.
Thallonius, is that
the signal to att*ck?
No. Not the signal.
I have to deconstruct the story,
starting from the beginning,
which means I have to
bring Xena back first.
Xena rides in at
the head of an army.
That's good.
We could end up with
an army of ants, or--
children--or, or-- Harpies, or--
Why don't we describe her?
Suddenly, there was
the arrival of the woman--
Leather.
- Mention the leather.
- Wearing leather...
and-- um--
black hair,
carrying her chakram.
Wait.
Does anybody really
know what a chakram is?
And does the scroll know it?
Carrying the whip of Xena.
I'm here.
I don't know why?
But I know I'm here
to do something.
- Minya?
- Who's this?
This is Minya.
She's our friend.
She wants to be Xena,
and she has Xena's whip.
It never leaves my side.
So, who's the stud, the dork
and that bottled-blonde?
This is Ares,
Aphrodite... and Joxer.
What? Ares--
God of w*r!
And Aphrodite, you're
the Goddess of Love!
And Joxer--
Sorry, bub, never heard of ya.
- Is that--
- No, Munk.
That's lunch.
Pluck it.
You know one thing
I like about being mortal.
What a trip.
You know, my
boyfriend, Hower,
he thinks that the Goddess of Love
is just sooo beautiful and perfect.
Wait till he hears
you're just as plain
as dirt on a wagon
wheel just like me!
I'm supposed to be the great
bard with the wonderful stories.
I can't even write a happy
ending without screwing it up.
Yes, you can.
I think your stories are--
are beautiful and, uh,
you know, not everything
you write turns into disaster.
What about the Sisters of Gaea?
You know that sword
that man gave us?
We sold it for a king's
ransom to Philiadus.
See? You did some good--
the orphans of Gaea.
You!
That is my kinsman's sword!
And you are a dead man.
Wait!
- What's your name?
- I am Scaberus.
Why?
The caves!
I must go to the caves.
Those caves are gonna
start gettin' pretty full.
My throat is dry as dust.
Where's my drink?
Coming, sir
No.
That's not the sign.
You know, I've been
trying to bring Xena here.
Why don't we just go find her?
I mean, there aren't that many...
fishing places around here.
We've got to find a trout
stream or a fishing hole or...
wherever I sent her.
Why won't it stay up?
Basic hair care was not
such a drag as a goddess.
I think it looks good on ya.
Flattery works. Keep going.
You know what?
I-I have this question for you.
I lo--
There's-There's
this guy, and he really...
loves this girl, but this girl...
- doesn't even know--
- Hello?
The love goddess
is off the clock.
I got my own problems.
Alriiiiight.
Poetry.
And if that doesn't work--
presents.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Lots and lots of presents.
Okay?
Yeah.
Standard answer.
Now, give me my space.
Yeah. Poetry.
Poetry.
Let's see, um--
Oh, by the gods! Look!
What?
- You wrote on the scroll?
- Oh, I-I-- Well, I was just...
trying to write a limerick
to cheer you up a little.
A warrior,
Joxer the Mighty,
Asked a boon from
the god, Aphrodite.
And what a surprise he saw
with love's eyes, three times--
Had a little trouble there. Anyone
know a word that ends in -ighty?
What does love's eyes
have to do with me?
W-Well-Well--
W-Well the-the--
I get it. I get it.
Of course,
love's eyes,
Aphrodite's eyes.
She was looking at me when
you wrote the poem, right?
That's it, exactly.
Now, let's send those
three to the caves!
The--
The, uh-- uh, we can
do it in a minute,
or now is good.
To the caves!
The cave.
Aphrodite!
Aphrodite said get
her a present.
How am I gonna get
you a present with no--
This is a family heirloom...
passed from father to son
- Will ya trade for it?
- Yeah, I'll trade.
But you'll have to be quick.
It's late. I'm tired and--
I'm always open for business.
What is--
You like it?
It's-- it's beautiful.
But wh-why?
'Cause I wanted to
get you something.
You know, just to, uh,
say sorry for the three
naked yous and everything.
I, uh--
I had to trade my
father's scabbard for it.
What?
I had to trade my
father's scabbard for it.
Joxer, you said that you would
never, ever part with that scabbard.
Well, you know, Gabrielle, some things in
life are worth more than what they seem.
- The scroll, Joxer.
- Yeah?
I hid the scroll
in the scabbard.
You did?
Where is it, now!
I traded a peddler for it!
We can get it back!
What's the odds he's
gonna figure it out?!
You'd better hurry.
It's raining dinars in town!
Oh, that's funny.
I've got it.
I've got it.
I know exactly what to write, but,
first, we have to get the scroll.
And just what will you write?
Well, Ares,
that's my business.
Now, Aphrodite, Minya.
I want you to go to town.
I want you to find out
where the peddler went.
Ares and I are going
to go where it's
raining dinars and
look for him there.
What about me?
Well, Joxer--
- You get to go to the caves--
- Say, Gab--
And you get to wait.
Come on!
Do wh--
Ooh, the caves.
Hi there, big boy.
Call me when you've
had a bath, toots.
Okay. The tavern keeper said
the peddler headed out of town.
What wrong?
I'm gonna end up like you!
These ruts are deep as if he's
carrying a load of dinars.
Where'd you learn
to read trails like that?
Xena, of course.
You know, you hang
around her long enough,
you're bound to
pick up something.
- You just have to focus.
- Oh, yeah.
I taught her that.
When she came to
me, she was just
another lost w*rlord,
hungry to k*ll.
I gave her a purpose.
Well, she has a different
purpose now.
I know.
She's so darned good at it.
You know, what she did when
I had her on trial for her life,
it-- it was amazing.
How about what she pulled
off with the Furies?
Oh, it was brilliant. Yeah.
And she does it all with that--
that steely gaze, you know?
Oh, yeah. I've seen
that one a few times.
Uh, looks like he's
heading for the caves.
Yeah.
We were starting to warm up
to each other there, weren't we?
Yeah. We were.
- I didn't like it.
- Right back at ya.
Okay.
Joxer!
I'm tryin' to disarm 'em.
I don't know how,
but you're going to screw it up.
- Now, just back away!
- I'm not gonna screw it up...
as long as they don't wake up
before I find the ped--
That's the guy!
Who's got it?!
Oh, the scroll!
Can't-- can't find it.
Can't find it.
Gab!
- k*ll them!
- Get him.
- k*ll them!
- Get him!
- k*ll them!
- Come on!
Let's go!
Not the scroll!
Oh, my kinsman's sword!
Nice lookin', huh?
Yeah!
Time to end this
once and for all!
You there!
Stay back!
Gabrielle.
Over here.
That's the way out
of the caves!
Move!
Come on!
They're getting away!
Me?
I'm mortal. I might be k*lled.
Gods.
You hair-ball get back here!
What did you write in that scroll?
Instead of bringing
Xena to the scroll,
I sent the
scroll to Xena.
I just hope I phrased it right.
If that's not
a sign from Ares,
I don't know what is.
att*ck!
Ares, we have got to catch
up with your warrior friends,
so we can call off this att*ck.
Well, I can't stop
them as a mortal,
but when I get my
powers back, I promise,
I'm gonna punish
Thelonius and his army
in some painful
and horrible way.
You know, innocent
people are going to die.
Oh, yes.
Innocent people.
Look, with or without you,
we're going to fight Thelonius!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Who exactly is we?
Wait.
You guys smell
somethin'?
Lay off of me, turkey!
No.
Oh, it's fish!
I'm new to this
mortal hygiene thing!
Xena?
Uh, you looking for this?
I, uh-- I took it off a peddler,
who was being chased by barbarians,
who was being
chased by...
three naked
Gabrielles and Minya.
She's still chasing
them by the way.
Oh, yeah. I read the scroll.
Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
Pretty much.
Did you write that limerick?
- I did.
- Figures.
You know, I tried
to get you back.
I tried, Xena goes to
her number one friend--
You sent me to visit
a girl I hadn't
seen since I was five--
my first friend.
What about Xena rejoins the woman
who brought her to a new life?
Mom says thanks for the fish.
I did start back once,
but then I was overtaken...
by this irresistible urge
to return to fishing.
I figured that's where you wrote,
Xena returns from her journey.
And then I knew that
something was up.
I had visited just about everyone
who ever meant anything to me.
Well, except you.
That's when I headed back.
Look. I hate to be
the one to break up,
like, a major love-fest,
but look at me!
I'm not built to be mortal!
We have to-- put things back
the way they were!
Yeah. And stop Thelonius
from destroying the valley.
Whatever.
Aphrodite, what was the charm
that you used for the scroll?
Exact wording.
Lies will make the world go 'round
till true words are written down.
So, if you make something up,
the scroll has the power
to make it happen.
And when truer words are written,
the power ends. Well, that's it!
All we have to do
is write the truth.
Okay. But how will we get rid
of this w*rlord Thelonius?
I'll take care of him,
but you have to
write down
everything that I do--
no embellishing,
no poetic license,
just exactly what
you see, all right?
But how are we gonna
know if it worked?
When you get your
powers back, we'll know.
What's wrong?
I, uh-- I'm not really
good at--
writing action.
What?
You follow Xena around--
You-- you follow
Xena around all day.
You write stories about her.
How do you do this
without writing action?
You see,
I use metaphors.
I write, Xena burst on
the scene in a blaze of glory.
You do that and we'll be pickin'
her up in a million pieces.
Move it! k*ll, k*ll,
k*ll, k*ll! Follow me!
att*ck! att*ck! att*ck!
Get up!
Get up! Get up!
Xena leads with a pike,
then a trout.
Bam, bam-- two quick bass.
Oh, he's taken it on the chin!
That octopus came out of nowhere.
She must have thrown
that just for the halibut
Write, 'Xena hit the warrior
with a squid'
It was an octopus. I think I
know a squid when I see one.
Xena whacked the
warrior with her sword.
Whacked?
- Is that a word?
- Hit. Say hit.
I don't think it's
very literary.
Okay. Hit.
Xena fought with
the warrior leader.
Fought with the--
Hey, what do you
mean awoke with a jerk?
- Just keep to the script.
- I'm ready for action.
Where's Xena?
Minya, where are the barbarians?
They stopped fighting
and ran back to Barbaria.
My hormones are peaking.
I'm ready for action.
I'm gonna cr*ck some heads!
Yeah.
I'm back!
Later.
Sorry.
Run, maggot!
Ooh, I still got it.
What's that?
What's that?
You know, I expected
more from the God of w*r.
I mean, without his powers,
he's just another man.
Just another big old,
leather-clad,
well-muscled, gorgeous,
hunk-a bad boy... man.
How are those hormones, Minya?
Raging. I, uh--
I might go see-- Hower.
Weird.
I guess everything's
fine now. I guess so.
Hey, look. You still got some extra
space at the bottom of the scroll.
Guess that means there's
something else to write.
Try, 'The End.'
Okay. I just-- I personally
think that sounds a bit--