03x15 - King Con

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Xena: Warrior Princess". Aired: September 1995 to June 2001.*
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Xena helps people free themselves against injustices.
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03x15 - King Con

Post by bunniefuu »

Double or nothin'!
Hit me!

One for the--

I did it again!

All right, you sweet beauties.
Come to papa.

- Name is Titus.
- Great. Great.

I own the place.
You know, you're really good.

How about we really
test your skill?

Maybe double your money?

That sounds great!

Unfortunately,
I'm meeting some friends.

Try that again,
and you're a dead man!

Hey! I saw it first, pal!

- Who you calling pal, pal?
- Hey! Who you shoving?

Hold on a second, fellas!

Sorry, I just couldn't
help overhearing.

Butt out, buddy!

Wait a minute. Maybe I can help.

I said scram!

No! Wait!

Maybe we could use
a third opinion.

See, me and him, we found this

gold nugget worth
at least, oh, dinars.

The only problem is,
neither of us has

the money to buy
the other one out.

And we don't trust each
other to cash it in.

Even going together,
he tried to run off with it.

Only after you attempted
to swallow it.

You see the problem?

I'd have to be an idiot not to.

Swallowing something like that
can be very dangerous.

Yes, but the more immediate
problem we have...

is finding someone who
has enough money in order...

to cash out this nugget
right here on the spot.

Who walks around with
that kind of change, huh?

This is your lucky day.

I just took the gaming house
for a hundred dinars.

- No kiddin'?
- Yeah.

Why, if you're serious
about helping us out,

here's what we'll do.

I'll borrow dinars from you.

But I'll only keep .

I'll use the other
to pay you back.

That way,
we're even.

Then I give you .
You give me the nugget.

But that shorts
me dinars.

- Yeah.
- Uh, no.

'Cause you'll get paid the other
from the that I gave you.

Then I give you the nugget.

You give me the dinars
that it's worth,

- and we're all square, right?
- Right.

Wrong.

We're not square...

until you two clasp hands in
the spirit of true fellowship.

Appreciate you
making this so easy.

Yeah. Thanks, friend.

Thank you, sucker.

Just call me Mr. Lucky.

What do you think'll happen
when he finally figures it out?

- That he's holding fool's gold?
- No.

That you took his sword.

No, you are not getting off.
Your ankle's too swollen.

I'm telling you Xena.

This sprain is not half
as bad as the last one.

The less you're on it,
the faster it'll heal.

Besides, when we hook up with
Joxer we'll stop and make camp.

It's not like him to be late.

What do you want to bet
that he stopped to

watch the paint dry,
or the grass grow,

and he completely forgot?

Believe me, I know Joxer
almost as well as I know you.

And how well is that?

Well enough to know what you're
thinking most of the time.

Like right now you're thinking,

"She thinks she knows me, huh?
We'll see about that."

- Easy guess.
- Okay.

Now you're thinking,

"Oh, wait-- I haven't thought
of anything yet." Right?

And what am I thinking now?

You wouldn't dare--
Not to an injured woman.

Listen.

Come on.

Get up, you piece of sh*t!

For the last time--
Where's Pop's money?

So long, Mr. Lucky.

Who is it?

- Let's get outta here!
- Come on, Leo!

- Who is she?
- Come on, man!

Is he--

If we can treat him...
and get him to someplace safe,

he stands a chance.

Which is more than I can say
for the men who did this to him.

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...


She was Xena...

a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...


...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will
change the world...


[font color="#d "]King Con[/font]

Forty-eight,

,

.

Partners for three years,
and still you bet against me?

Why is that, Eldon?

Law of probability.

See, you're good,
and you're lucky, but--

face it, Rafe,
you gotta lose sometime.

- Wanna bet?
- I'll take a piece of that action.

Have we met?

Where'd you get that sword?

Oh, actually, they say I take
after my father in that respect.

The sword on the table!

That sword.
Found it.

Hey! What do you think you're--

That sword belongs to
a friend of mine...

who was beaten nearly to death.

So, either you start fillin' in
some holes, or I start making 'em.

You're a bettin' man. Care to wager
on how long it'll take me to miss?

We took it off an easy
mark this morning,

but I swear,
we never touched him.

That sounds more like
Titus's style, right, Rafe?

- Or his son Leo's.
- Who are they?

Own the local gaming club.

Your friend won
big there, but Titus--

he'd rather die than lose.

Or rather see someone else die.

Odds are, they do.

The odds just changed.

- You gonna k*ll him?
- Maybe.

But not before I make him pay
for what he did to Joxer.

Come on.
We got work to do.

Unless you'd rather that I hand
you over to the authorities.

I hear that they cut out
your tongue, brand your arm,

and jail you for life.
What do you think?

- May we confer?
- Make it quick.

- What do you think?
- You kiddin'?

I don't know about you, but my
tongue's a vital part of my anatomy.

No, no, no, no. I-I meant her.
What do you make of her?

Trust me, Rafe.
No man can make her.

I can.

Thirty dinars says you can't
so much as get her to kiss you.

So, what's your answer?

You're on.

What do you mean,
the money's gone?

How could it be gone?

He tried telling us he
traded it for fool's gold,

but nobody's that dumb!

Then where is it?

I don't know.

We were b*ating it out
of him, when this wo--

When someone came along.

We had to run or
risk being recognized.

You mean, you left him alive?

Barely.

Now, you listen to me, Leo.

I don't care what it takes.
You find him and finish the job,

'cause no one makes
a loser out of me.

You got that, Leo?
No one.

There you go.

Joxer,

I don't know if you
can hear me, but, um,

stay with us.

I mean, Xena and I,

we-we care about you, and--

I mean, I know it's kind of
hard to tell sometimes.

You're like family to us,
s-so don't leave us, okay?

- Still no change?
- No.

These the guys who conned him?

- Look, we never laid a finger--
- W-W-W-Wait-- she said conned.

You knew that
we never b*at him.

She played us for suckers.
Come on. Let's go.

Wait a minute!

Look at him.

You took his sword--
You left him defenseless.

- How can you just walk away?
- Easy. Watch.

I've got a plan to take Titus
for all he's worth.

Help me, and I'll
cut you in for half.

You asking?

I'm offering.

We're in.

Hey. Hey, Joxer. It's all
right. We're here now.

Everything's gonna
be all right. I promise.

Get one of the acolytes, quick.

It's okay.

Joxer, lie still.
Come on. Relax.

Joxer.

He needs more arnica.
I'll get another blanket.

Nice come-out.

You've done this before.

It's been a while.

Well, that's too bad.
A waste of talent.

I have many skills, most of which
I use against people like you.

All right. Correct me
if I'm wrong, but I get

the feeling that you
don't like me much.

Not true.
I don't like you at all.

You're some kind of friend,

teaming up with somebody
that you hate,

just to set things
square for your pal.

Not everybody would do that.

All right, so what do
you want from me?

Table odds?

That's right.
Only don't make it too obvious.

I want to rattle Titus's cage
a little-- shake him up.

Seeing what he did to your
friend, I do not blame you.

Look, Xena.

I'm sorry,

uh, you know,
for our part in this.

I swear, we would've never
have fleeced your friend...

had we known how
it was gonna go down.

Believe me.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what I believe.

I believe that you bet your buddy
that you could score with me,

and that this whole line
of bull is just you

trying to win a bet
that you can only lose.

Let's roll.

No more bets. The wheel's
spinning. Place your bets.

All bets down.

Lucky nine! Mama
needs a new pair of sandals.

sh**t stays lucky.

No wonder they call
luck a lady, eh, men?

Place your bets, please, gentlemen.

When you're hot, you're hot.

Sorry, boss. Croup needs
a new set of bones.

Think we got a hustler,
but we can't suss her out.

Okay. Who's the wench?

Which way to the boxing match?

Forty dinars says
mine's gonna win.

Could you guys help?

Come on, butterfingers.
Pick 'em up!

Double down.

All bets down.
sh**t's ready to roll.

What's your pleasure?

Easy five.

Come on!

She's cheating.

- Okay.
- Nobody's that good.

How? Croup's already
switched bones twice.

Ready. Nothin' but fives.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

We heard a crash and
came running, but--

Come out, or die
where you stand.

You've got a heartbeat to tell me
what you're doing in here.

Relax. Down, boys.

She's taking measurements
for my new office.

Your new--
Who in Tartarus are you?

The woman who's going to own
this place and everything in it.

Those paintings, that statue--

Even this pretty
little trinket.

Just put that down!

Look, that belonged to
an empress! How-- Guards!

Think fast, Titus!

By the gods,
it'd be so easy, just--

Xena!

No.

No, k*lling's too good
for scum like you.

I am gonna take you
down piece by piece,

till there is nothing left--

Not your club,
your money, your pride--

Not even your stinkin' ruby.

I'm gonna take it all, and I'm
gonna love every minute of it!

Now, look. I don't know
what your angle is,

but everybody's got a price.

What's yours?

Everything.

And there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

So how did I do? Was that
crash loud enough, huh?

- How about my timing?
- Perfect.

Phase one and phase
two are done.

We've got some money, and, more
importantly, we got Titus's attention.

- What's next?
- We gotta move fast.

Rafe and I'll get the disguises.

You watch Joxer
while Eldon watches Titus.

As soon as he moves to have
Leo stash that ruby--

and he will--
we run the first con.

So, you and Rafe, huh?

He's not too bad, is he?

You mean for someone who makes his
money cheating others out of theirs?

- Yeah, he's a prince.
- I didn't say he was perfect.

But you saw him with Joxer,
and you have to admit he's smart.

And he's funny, he's handsome.

Arrogant and self-centered.

Your typical bad boy.
Just your type.

What do ya think?

Holy Hera.

We're pushing time.
You got a problem?

- Clearly not.
- Good. Then give me that hat.

What do you say?

Or else?

You're welcome.

So, you always this focused?

That's right.
You always this nosy, huh?

Not anymore.

No, I won't let ya.

If anyone's going after Titus,
it's gonna be me.

Joxer, if Leo or Titus saw you,
they'd k*ll you.

Not if I saw 'em first.

What are you gonna do,
bleed on them?

Now make sense.

Joxer! Lay still,
or I'll restrain you!

Joxer, swear to me that you'll
lay still and forget about Titus.

We'll take care of him.
I promise.

You--

idiot.

Why didn't you tell
me this before?

Oh, come on, Pop.

I thought you'd get mad at me for-for
running away from a woman--

even one like Xena.

You're right.

So, she's a friend of this
little pissant, is she?

Gotta be.

I've looked everywhere for him.
She must have him hidden.

Then keep looking.

We find this Joxer. We've got
a card to play against her.

But first,

I want you to do something
very important for me.

What are you doin' here?

Joxer fell asleep. I thought
you could use a break.

Not me. But your
friend's headed for one.

Xena?

Headed for what?

Heartbreak,
if she doesn't watch out.

We are talking
about Xena, right?

Joke if you want,
but when a guy like Rafe

doubles the bet we got on it,

I'd say he's feeling
pretty confident.

Doubles what bet?

Did you and he--

It's showtime.

Help! Somebody
help! Please!

You better run, you dirty thief!

There must be a small
fortune in here.

It's our life savings. Please,
just take it and get a doctor.

My husband's hurt real bad.

I wouldn't know where to look.

I would.
I'll get a doctor.

Then at least have
the good sense to hide it!

That thug could strike
at any moment!

Here. I'll show you.
Give me your valuables.

Why?

Because, if they're all
together, they're easier to hide.

Come on! He's dyin' already!

All right.

Now watch.

See how simple?

For you. But I don't
happen to own a pair of those.

Then lower your sights.

Hurry! Hurry!

All right.

Now, go! And don't stop
for anything or anybody!

Lady, you can count on it.

Oh, I do, Leo.
I really do.

We did it.
Titus will have a fit.

Well, that's nothing compared
to what we're taking next.

- What's that?
- Leo.

Great minds--

We just had Leo.
Why didn't we keep him?

Because, we don't wanna
just defeat Titus--

we wanna destroy
him bit by bit.

Now let's get going.
We'll check on Joxer,

and then get the
last phase underway.

- Poor guy. He's still sleeping.
- Ah, can you blame him?

No.

No.

If Titus has him,
we're finished.

So's Joxer.

According to the acolytes, Joxer was
here when they checked him at noon.

It's my fault.

I should've hog-tied him
when he asked me to.

Hey, forget it.
You're not to blame.

Blame for what?

- Joxer's missing.
- What? Oh, great.

Of all the stupid,
idiotic, imbecilic--

That's what we get,
working with amateurs.

You got a problem with us,
we'll take it up later.

Right now, we gotta find Joxer
and get things back on track.

Right. We'll check the gaming clubs
in case Titus made a grab for him.

Are you crazy? If Titus has him,
he's probably spilled his guts by now.

I say we fold the con and blow.

You would like that, wouldn't you?
Just make a mess and walk away.


You know, you wanted to
do that from the start.

Hey, I didn't make this mess.
Your friend did.

And you two are only
making it worse.

All right. That's enough.
I'll say it is.

We're the best in the business.
What're we doing with these two?

I'll tell you. We're gonna
help them find Joxer,

then we're gonna make
the grab for Leo,

and then the con
is back into play.

Do you understand?

You bet I do.

Let's go.

We'll check the woods.
We'll meet you back at the tavern.

- Good luck.
- You too.

Man, you'd say anything to win
that bet, wouldn't you?

- Bet's off, Eldon.
- Fine!

You give me dinars, it's off.
Otherwise, a bet's a bet.

You've never welshed yet,
so why start now?

Hey, I'm not the one
who wants to cut and run.

If we do that, well,

even I can't score
long-distance.

Maybe you can't score at all.

Maybe that's why you're so
willing to bail on this bet.

Who's bailing?

I just think we ought to
focus on the con.

Wait.

Don't tell me she's turned
the tables. That's it, isn't it?

You're falling for
the biggest con of all.

You're falling in love.

- I can't believe it.
- Good,

'cause if you're that
big a fool, then I

have to start looking
for a new partner.

Hey, I know the one who's
being played for a sucker,

and I sure won't work
with any mark who is.

Then you have no problems.

The bet stands?

What do you think?

If Joxer did head for town,

five'll get you he's
headed this way.

Now you're starting
to talk like him.

Who?

Who do you think?
Rafe.

I thought you liked him.

I did like him... at first.

I think that your gut
instinct was right.

What changed your mind
about him, hmm?

I don't trust him, Xena.

Like you said,
he is a con man.

A guy like that is always
on the make.

This is about that bet, isn't it?
Between Rafe and Eldon.

You know about that?

Enough to assure you that
Rafe knows he can't win.

My guess is he's already
called off the bet by now.

Xena, not according to Eldon.

He said that Rafe doubled it.

Well, has it occurred
to you that maybe

Eldon wanted you
to tell me that,

so that I wouldn't get
anywhere near Rafe?

Do you think?

Let's go, Mr. Lucky.

Come on!
Get up, you wimp!

You're my ticket out
of the doghouse!

And I'm the ticket taker.

Get her!

Smart money says
you're going down.

Come on.

You okay?

We'll get Joxer back after I've
trussed up Leo for safekeeping.

What then?

We take down Titus.

Relax.

This is not going to work
if you're tense.

I'm not tense. I'm just
concerned about Joxer.

He'll be fine,
thanks to you.

- All right, now turn around.
- Why?

Just do it. Zeus, I'm not
gonna Kn*fe you in the back.

Not unless it improves
the odds.

What?

I said, we don't
have time for this.

Look, either you wanna
take Titus down or not.

Okay.

No-o-o, you're not tense.

Hey. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Give it a chance.

You know what
your problem is?

No, but I'll lay odds that
you're gonna tell me.

You are taking this
con way too personal.

Joxer's a friend--
that makes it personal.

Wrong.
That makes it important,

which is exactly why it's
better to stay detached.

Better or safer?

Smarter.

Getting involved always
blows things.

For you, maybe.
Caring keeps you focused.

Too risky.

- I've learned that it's worth it.
- I've learned to play it safe.

Well, that is exactly
your problem!

I don't play safe.

Excuse me.

Sorry if I was
interrupting anything.

She may be good at
k*lling in battle, but...

I've k*lled at
cards all my life.

Bottom line is--
I play Xena, I win.

So why do I need you?

Because you won't
be playing Xena--

at least not just Xena.

You'll be up against the best in
the business-- a guy named Rafe.

Trust me-- No one can
b*at them both...

without a little inside help.

Evening, Titus.

Seems we got a little
something you might want back.

Sure do.

That ruby's priceless.

She meant your son.

Oh, did she?

And how much is Leo
gonna cost me?

Plenty. Here's the deal.

You and me go head-to-head
in a single game of cards.

Winner takes all.

- And if I refuse?
- You lose Leo for good.

You don't leave me
much choice, do you?

Good-bye, son.

Pop?

You wanna use your sword,
or do you wanna borrow my dagger?

Pop! What're you doing?

Calling her bluff.

Do you actually think I'd risk
letting you and... your friend...

take everything I have?

- Don't think I won't k*ll him.
- Think it?

I know you won't.

Just like I know
your whole con,

thanks to a little
inside information.

You?

Sorry, partner,
but I play to win.

You double-crossing bastard!

No!

Rafe.

Rafe.

I'm sor-- I didn't realize--

What did I say about...

staying detached?

Gabrielle, help me get
him outta here.

Wait.

Where do you think you're going?

To honor a friend.

What about our game?

There is no game.
You turned me down.

But you still have my ruby,
if not my son.

I want it back.

Suffer.

So, you wanted to play when Rafe
was alive to help you cheat.

But now that he's gone,
you won't play. That it?

It would've been a fair game.

That so?

Play me now, or shame your
friend by walking away.

Don't listen to him, Xena.

Let's just take Rafe
and get out of here.

You want a game?
You got it.

- Not now!
- Yes, now is the time!

For Rafe.

Titus?

I'll check... to the lady.

Give me three.

Two. Give me two.

Okay, folks.
Show 'em if you've got 'em.

Full boat--

Warlords over heroes.

Four aces.

No-- No, you can't.
You couldn't! That--

Read 'em... and weep.

No!

- No!
- Anyone moves,

she cashes in for good.

Let her go.
You won't get away.

Who's gonna stop me?
You?

No. Him.

Get her!

Let's get outta here.

Leaving so soon?
Don't bet on it!

Wait a minute.
You d*ed?

No. I pretended to die.

Just like I pretended to
switch sides and join Titus.

And that's because--

Xena knew that Titus would
bet everything he had,

thinking he couldn't lose
once Rafe was dead.

Wait a minute-- wait a minute.
Okay. Okay.

You had a gold nugget--

We'll go over it
on the road, huh?

Right now we need some more
bandages and salve to take with us.

You coming?

Uh, right behind you.

- Wait a minute!
- Let her go.

You did it!
Talk about a brilliant play.

What do you mean?

Using Xena's own con
to win the bet!

Stroke of genius!

- You're the king, Rafe. You are.
- But I didn't.

- Uh, what?
- Win the bet.

Sure you did!

I saw you kiss her.

Exactly-- I kissed her.

The bet was that she would
kiss me, which she didn't.

So I lost.

- Uh, in fact, these are yours.
- Uh-- No, you don't.

You're setting me up,
aren't you?

Playing some sort of
angle I don't see.

But I will.

And you know why?

Because you can't con
a con man, Rafe.

Remember that.
Don't even try.

- I-- I'm sorry
- I'm sorry.

No, I-I--

- So, are you setting out?
- That's right.

I just wanted to thank you
for all your help.

I know I didn't give you
much choice.

Well, you're welcome.

So, maybe we will...

see each other again sometime?

Yeah, maybe.

Well--

take care of yourself.

Yeah.
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