25x03 - City People

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Yes, sir... If you're looking
to move out of the city,

I think your family
would love South Park.

You can get four times the house here

that you can get in the city.

A cortado? Is that like a coffee?

Yeah, we... We have a coffee shop here.

We're up in the mountains
about an hour from Denver...

Do you think you could drive
out from the city this weekend

and I could show you some properties?

Oh, you have a Tesla? Oh, how nice.

South Park... yeah, it's
a charming country village.

If you're able to work from home,

I think you'll really
love it out here...

LaCroix? The sparkling Mineral Water?

Yes, I do believe we have
that in our stores here...

We're seeing a massive
influx of city people

moving out here to the country.

And the truth is we just don't
have enough real estate agents

to keep up with all the demand.

Well, I don't have much experience,

but I thought I'd
give real estate a try.

Mrs. Cartman, being a real estate agent

takes a lot of intellect
and a lot of raw talent.

You have to get your picture taken.

Get people to like the picture and go,

"Oh, I'd like to hang
out with that person."

And then act like you like those people

when you show them houses.

Well, I do believe I'm good
with people, and the truth is...

I need to do this for my son.

Our... rent is going up

because of all the new
people moving into town...

And I don't think I
can afford it anymore.

Well, then, I'm going to
give you a sh*t, Mrs. Cartman.

For your little boy.

God dammit...

Oh, you piece of sh*t!

Hello, sweetie!

Mom! Where the hell have you been?!

I've been home from
school for like minutes!

I'm sorry, honey,
mommy had some errands.

I didn't have anything
to eat except Nutella.

I was about to call Child Services!

Honey... Mommy has some big news.

What.

I... got a job, Eric.

I'm your job.

Oh, honey... It's going to be good.

Mommy is just going to be
working a few days a week

and you can be a big boy
and take care of yourself.

- No.
- Eric, this has to happen.

We can't afford to live in this house

unless I make more money,
and this job pays really well.

Wha... What job could you possibly have?

You don't know how to do anything.

I'm a real estate agent.

A what?

- [LAUGHING]
- [TELEVISION PLAYS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[TELEVISION STOPS]

Hey, Butters, I need your help.

Well... Well, sure,
Eric! What's goin' on?!

Butters, I have some shocking news...

My mom got a job.

Oh... Oh, and you're
worried that maybe now

your mom won't always be
there to take care of you?

What? No. My mom got a job.

My mom is dumb as sh*t

and somebody is paying
her to do something.

Have you ever heard of a
real estate agent, Butters?

- Well, not really.
- Yeah, well, neither had I.

So I looked it up on a bunch
of those shows and stuff.

You don't do anything.

You just look nice and hug people

and then when someone buys or
sells a house, you make money.

Wow! Well, that sounds like a good deal!

It's more than a good deal, Butters,

it's [BLEEP] legal theft.

If my mom can be a real estate agent,

then literally anyone in the world can.

We've got all these people moving

from the cities into our town,

I can probably be a millionaire
in just a few days time.

Wow wee!

Now, whatever you do,
don't tell anybody.

If anyone else finds out about this,

they'll all want to be
real estate agents, too.

You've always been great
at taking pictures, Butters.

I won't forget this when I'm rich.

Gosh, thanks, Eric!

Okay, Liane... You've got this.

You can do this.

Bottled water.
Bottled water. Bottled water.

Hello there! I believe I
spoke with you on the phone?

I'm Liane Cartman with
South Park Realtors!

Uh-huh... Uh-huh...

Well, this is the house
I was telling you about.

It just came on the market.

It's a , square
foot mid colonial home.

- Detached garage.
- Pilates?

- Excuse me?
- Pilates.

Is there a gym my wife can do Pilates?

Oh, you're about five
minutes from the local gym.

Pilates. Bottled Water?

Oh! Um, you have such a lovely family!

It must have been
a big drive from the city?

Tesla. We have a Tesla.

Wi-Fi! Wi-Fi!

- Is there Wi-Fi?
- No Wi-Fi. Bottled water.

Well, come on in, let
me show you around!

Okay, this is a three
bedroom house with bathrooms.

Front yard and back yard.

Eric... what are you doing?

Oh, I just got some clients
here looking to relocate.

These people are from the city.

- Uh, cortado.
- Bottled water.

Wi-Fi. Pilates.

Uh, excuse me one moment.

Eric!

What are you up to?

I got a job as a real estate agent, mom.

You are not a real estate agent...

- Neither are you...
- Now just march right back home

and I will see you when
I am done with work!

Mom, real estate is an open market.

You're not the only one
who gets to take advantage

of all the city people.

- Cortado?
- Cortado!

- Oh, bottled water?
- Wi-Fi!

Metal bottled water!

Eric, this house is being represented

by South Park Realtors.

You don't get to just
walk in and show it!

Oh! Okay! That's fine!

I have tons of friends in South Park!

I'll get my own listings!

People... this is the most exciting time

in the history of South Park...

As you know, there are people
from all over the country

leaving the cities and coming
to small, rural towns like ours.

It's truly incredible for all of us.

With this new surge of
people from urban areas,

we're seeing more town
money from sales taxes,

more profit in our local businesses...

My bakery has seen a
% increase in sales.

Oh, I just love all these
city people moving in!

That's right. It's great to
have chitty people.

These chitty people come with
their fancy chitty clothes

and their big chitty cars.

You know, and these chitty people

have a chitty way of doing things

that will expose us all to
their chitty ideas.

Yeah, and they've got city
money and city lifestyles!

Chitty money, chitty lifestyles.

And they'll move here and bring
their chitty families.

And their cultured, chitty
kids will hang out with our kids

and expose them to their chitty ways.

I've always dreamed of South Park

becoming more than a little hick town.

And these city people bring
with them... a new hope.

Here's to the future, everyone!

ALL: The future!

Okay, so this is a three
bedroom two and a half bath...

Come on in, everybody!

Wi-Fi?

- Wha... Wha... Wha... Wha?
- LaCroix.

You got about , square feet

and there is a finished basement.

- Oat milk.
- Detached garage...

Stairs head up to the master,

which is an en suite,
if I remember correctly.

Let's get on back to the kitchen...

Cortado?

You've got a nice, big kitchen,
pretty, new appliances.

Door in the back gets
you out to the garage.

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Just showing them your house.

Come on, let's check
out the second floor...

Our house isn't for sale! Hey!

Nice, big bathroom for
the two rooms up here.

Tweek's grandma is staying
in one of the rooms,

which serves as an office
space when she's not here.

And then we are back down
to the spacious living room!

Will you please get out of our house?

Yeah, we're just about done.

Well, what do you guys think?

MacBook, Tesla.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that...

My son left his MacBook in the Tesla.

Oh, sure, well, let's head on out now.

We can take a look at Jimmy's house.

It doesn't have such sucky furniture.

Let me talk to these guys

and see if we can come up with a number.

I think I can get you
million for this place.

$ million? Really?

I'll be in touch.

Told you our furniture sucked!

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Hey... Hey, John, I got some bad news...

We just lost another client
to South Park Realty Group.

- What?!
- We're losing people like crazy.

These guys are ruthless.

Who is this South Park Realty Group?

Has anyone heard of them!?

It appears to be mostly one agent.

A-A pretty young guy...

Can't have been in the
business that long...

Oh, my God...

That's a pretty damn good picture.

How'd he get that
kind of depth of field?

I don't know he's gotta be
using some kind of soft filter...

- Nothing I've ever seen.
- Alright, everyone!

Looks like we've got some competition!

If anyone thinks they
can take our clients,

they've got another thing coming.

Everyone get up. We're
gonna retake our pictures!

ALL: Awww!

No, no, no, we're
getting our butts kicked,

and we need to show
this kid what we can do!

Come on, Chris! You gotta
look really welcoming!

Ugh. I'm trying...

Come on, arch your back more!

I'm, ugh, arched as far as I can...

Come on, Chris, you
wanna lose another sale?!

Arch your back more!!

I-I got it...

- [BONES SNAP]
- [SCREAMING]

That's good, we got
it... Get in here, Carol!

[GROANING]

- [BONES cr*ck]
- [SCREAMS]

Got it! Okay, next!

Hey, guys, it's Eric from
South Park Realty Group.

Are you dreaming of moving
out of the city

and into the beautiful countryside?

I want you to check out Clyde's house.

This is a , square foot
mid colonial home...

Detached garage... now listing
for just $ . million.

Let's check it out.

This house is so spacious.

I think my cameraman Butters
can attest to this.

Isn't this nice, Butters?

BUTTERS: Yeah, it's real roomy!

Just look at these amenities.

These giant, glass double doors lead
to the unfinished backyard.

Plenty of room here for a
pool or a horse stable.

This is just one of the amazing
properties we have

at South Park Realty Group.

We've got other great listings, like...

Craig's house,

Wendy's house,

and my personal favorite, Kyle's house.

Get out of that sewage
drain you call a city

and start living the country
life you've always wanted.

South Park Realty Group.

Get out of the city and into
beautiful South Park.

[HORNS BLARING, INDISTINCT
CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Uh, Liane, you got a call, line .

Sounds like a broker interested
in Highgate.

Ooh! Okay.

Hi! This is Liane with
South Park Realtors.

How's it going? This is Eric Cartman

with South Park Realty Group.

Eric, stop it.

Well, I'm standing here
with some clients

who want to make a deal on
this Highgate place.

They wanna offer $ , .

You are going to get me fired, Eric.

And then we are going to lose our home.

$ , is a great number...
$ , below asking,

but you know you're never
gonna get $ , .

Don't worry, these deals
are always like this.

I am doing this job for us!

So we can have a roof over our heads!

The HVAC all needs to be
redone and you know it.

I am not talking about this anymore!

Okay, that's fine mom, why don't
you go to [BLEEP] hell?!

It always gets like this with agents.

Don't worry, she'll call back, watch.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

South Park Realty Group, this is Eric.

You are in so much trouble, young man.

Okay, okay...

$ , , but that's as
high as I can do.

We got it.

It just isn't fair...

We retook all our pictures,

and what does South Park
Really Group do?

They go and make a video.

And just like that, they
take all our customers.

I think maybe real estate just
isn't the same anymore.

Maybe we gotta start making
fancy videos to keep up.

Excuse me, there's all these City
People moving into town...

And I think I'd like
to sell my property.

- R-Really?
- That's great!

- Hey, hey, sir...
- We can sell your house!

Move! Move! Get! Get!

That's a very smart idea!

It's definitely a sellers'
market right now!

It's good you came to
South Park Realtors.

What kind of house is it?

Once in a lifetime, a property
comes up for sale

that is so unique, it defies words.

We know that good houses

are getting hard to come
by in South Park...

and that's why we are so excited

to bring you this exceptional
new property.

This is the historic Aspen Park Hot Dog.

square feet of pure luxury.

Let's check it out.

You want to move out of the city

and enjoy the laid back country life?

It's all here.

Find out more about this
dream home today

at South Park Realtors.

MAN: LaCroix? LaCroix?

Huh... sounds like chitty people.

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Oh, no, that's way
too many chitty people!

Go on! Go, go, shoo!

Too many chitty people! Go on!

Go on, shoo! Chitty people!

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

People... We have a giant problem.

There are now so many city people

looking for houses in South Park...

that it could destroy our
rebounding economy.

Uh... How so?

I thought city people were
good for our economy.

They are, but Mr. Kim has a theory,

and I think you all better
listen to him.

Mr. Kim.

What's the one thing people hate most?

Other chitty people.

Chitty people wanna get out of the city.

If too many come here...

South Park become chitty

and then all the chitty
people gonna leave.

We can't let that happen.

Not when things are finally
starting to turn around!

So then we have to find
a way to stop this.

It's the damn real estate agents!

They're the ones who are
going overboard.

They only care about their commissions!

Yes, we have to tell the realtors
to cool their jets!

Realtors don't care about
anything but money.

We have to show them who's really
in charge of this town...

Jimbo... go to your g*n store and
get the necessary supplies.

I'm declaring open season...

on real estate agents.

Cortado?

- Cortado.
- Oat milk?

Bottled Water... Metal Bottle Water.

- LaCroix?
- LaCroix!

- Metal bottle water?
- Edamame. Edamame.

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

CARTMAN: Welcome, Home Buyers!

I'm Eric with South Park Realty Group.

We hope you're enjoying the
provided food and beverages.

LaCroix!

Yes, that's right!

You know, here at
South Park Realty Group,

we've had some amazing listings...

Craig's house, Jimmy's house...

But I think you'll all agree
that what we have for you today

is a whole nother level.

I present to you...

Tolkien's house!

♪♪

- Baw?
- Wha... Wha... Wha... Wha... Wha?

These owners have just
moved out to a farm,

and we're listing this house
at just under $ million.

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Yes! Go on in!

Check it out! Make me an offer!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You are in big trouble, young man!

This is my listing, mom!

I have had it with you!

- Come here right now!
- This is my listing, mom!

Eric!

[SHOTGUN COCKS]

[r*fle COCKS]

- What the hell?
- Over here...

What happened here?

They're too smart for us.
South Park Realty Group.

We tried to keep up...

Took our pictures again... Ahghg!

My spine is broken.

Well, it serves you right for
what you're doing to our town!

You're driving all the city people away!

Not us... South Park Realty Group...

they upset the natural balance.

Real estate agents
don't really do anything.

If they start doing stuff,

then the whole housing
market goes crazy.

Where is South Park
Realty Group located?!

They're showing a house...

The Tolkien house...

You have to stop them.

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Ahg! Help!

Somebody call Child Protective Services!

Eric, you're only making it worse!

[INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

I am not doing a co-brokering deal, mom,

it's not gonna happen.

This isn't about that,
Eric, and you know it!

You're upset.

You're upset because you don't
want your mom to have a job!

That isn't true.

It is true! You're scared
and you're jealous

that a job will take my
attention away from you!

You just want to offer the
sellers a lower commission

to list this house and
it's not going to work, mom!

It's okay to be scared, Eric.

I know that I'm the
only family you have,

but you're making
everything worse for us!

[BOTH SCREAM]

I see one!

There's a real estate agent right there!

There's a big one and a little, fat one!

[g*nf*re, INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Eric, you need to stop this right now.

When I close this deal, mom,

I'm gonna be the richest kid in town!

It's doesn't work that way, Eric!

You aren't going to make any money...

You're just driving up the market

and none of your deals
will make it through escrow!

Well, we'll just see
in days, won't we?!

Except for some of my deals,

which have a day contingency period!

Fine, Eric.

Will you stop all
this if I quit my job?!

And you won't get any other job?

No.

And your only job will be me?

And you'll be home when
I get back from school

and have my mid afternoon
meal all ready on the table?

Yes, Eric...

Yes..

[g*nf*re, INDISTINCT CITY PEOPLE SPEAK]

Hold yer fire!

Come on out, ya damn real estate agents!

Don't sh**t! I am not
a real estate agent!

I am quitting as of right now.

And South Park Realty Group is no more.

We did it... We [BLEEP] did it!

Real Estate is a delicate balance.

It has to be left to the professionals.

There's a great migration
happening all over America.

And if we do it right...

Everyone ends up in a home...
that they can afford.

[ENGINE STARTS]

I think it's cool we live in a hot dog.

We have everything we need here.

We've got running water,
a couch to sleep on.

And most important, we have each other.

Weak... I live in a hot dog.