03x02 - Punky's Big Story

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Maybe the world is blind

♪ Or just a little unkind

♪ Don't know

♪ Seems you can't be sure

♪ Of anything anymore

♪ Although

♪ You may be lonely

♪ And then one day
you're smiling again ♪

♪ Every time I turn around

♪ I see the girl
who turns my world around ♪

♪ Standing there

♪ Every time I turn around

♪ Her spirit's lifting me
right off the ground ♪

♪ What's gonna be?

♪ Guess we'll just wait
and see ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Alright, uh, the big story
in the newspaper

this morning was what?

Spud?

Uh, the laundry shrunk
Linus' blanket?

[all laughing]

No. It was about the president.

He did what?

She always talks in questions.

I'm not a mind reader.

- I know.
- I know.

Punky, the president did what?

Uh, the president?

He, uh,

said they could colorize
"Bedtime For Bonzo?"

[all laughing]

No. He held a press conference.

Aren't you kids interested in
what's happening in the world?

- I am.
- Oh, okay, Iwo.

I've got "People" magazine
at home.

The one with Mr. T on the cover.

Oh.

Well, I've got something
to get you more interested

in current events.

We'll start our own what?

- Car?
- No.

- w*r?
- No.

- Newspaper?
- Exactly.

- I got it!
- Hooray!

Ah. We'll have
our very own class newspaper.

Won't that be neat?

- Great!
- Perfect!

We'll call it
the Fifth Grade what?

Hey, what a great name!

- Yeah!
- Great!

Oh, good.

Now, who wants to be a reporter?

Please, Mrs. Winston, pick me.

Everybody says
I look like Lois Lane.

Naturally, I'll handle fashion.

No one knows style likemoi.

Okay, Margaux, you do fashion.

- Anybody else?
- Yeah,moi!

I'll do the restaurant reports.

My grandma calls me
an eating machine.

[chuckles]

Okay, Cherie.
You're the Galloping Gourmet.

Now, sports?

Me, Mrs. Winston,
I'm a good sport.

I think sports
is a good department for Spud.

Yeah, he's shaped
like a football.

[laughing]

Then what am I gonna do?
There's nothing left.

Oh, sure, there is.

Uh, you're so good with people,
Punky.

Why don't you do
a human-interest column?

- Yuck!
- Ew!

Punky can't do human interest.

- She's sub-human.
- What?

Why don't you make me
the crime reporter?

We don't need a crime reporter.

We will,
after I get my hands on Spud.

Mrs. Winston! Mrs. Winston!

[instrumental music]

I knew I should've gone into

my Brother Burney's
locksmith business.

Brandon, don't do that.

Brandon, have you ever heard

of "Man Bites Dog?"

Henry: Hi, Punky.

How did things go
at school today?

- Terrible.
- Why? What's the matter?

Well, we're starting
a newspaper

and everybody gets to write
about something good,

except for me.

I've to write
about human interest.

Why, that's wonderful!

Writing about people

is the most interesting
reporting of all.

[doorbell rings]

Come in, Betty.

Hi, Henry. Hi, Punky.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

- Here, Henry, a jar of olives.
- Ah.

Paul Newman's salad dressing.

- Where's the label?
- I peeled it off.

I love those baby-blue eyes.

Don't tell me you bought
one of these trashy papers. Ew.

"The Inquisitor"
is not a trashy paper.

- Yuck.
- How come it's pink?

It's blushing
from what's inside.

All the news
that's fit to wrap garbage in.

Not true.

Everything they print
is based on hard facts.

Oh, really?

Like, this story?

"Hundred-and-five-year-old-man
just had a baby?"

Yeah, and the amazing thing is,

he didn't even know
he was pregnant.

Well, okay.

Maybe that story
is an exaggeration.

Now, here's something
I didn't know.

What?

"Doctor's examination
confirms the truth."

Diana Ross and Michael Jackson
are actually the same person?

You see, Betty?

You see how low
this rag will stoop?

Please remove it from my house
at once.

Okay, Henry, but think about it.

About what?

Have you ever seen
Diana and Michael together?

Yes, I have.

It's done with mirrors.

Some people
will believe anything.

Henry, the stuff
in "The Inquisitor"

is about people.

Maybe I'll do
that kind of human interest.

Please, don't.

Real human interest gives us
a better understanding

of our fellow man.

But I don't know
any interesting fellow man.

Sure, you do.

If you concentrate real hard,

I bet you can think
of a fascinating person

who's very close to you.

[Henry sighs]

- Nope.
- Oh.

Well, how about someone
at school?

The janitor, the crossing guard,

the playground supervisor?

They're all the same guy.
Mr. Weaver.

Then write about Mr. Weaver.

Renaissance Janitor.

It's a great story.
It'll write itself.

Good, then it won't need me.

Brandon, don't you even think
of touching that flash.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

I'm calling my column,
it's so clever,

MargauxA La Mode.

You mean, you're gonna have
ice cream on your head?

I thought Cherie was doing
the food column.

It means, Margaux on fashion.

Listen and learn.

"Today's modern woman
is switching

from Eve Sonn Lauronn of Paris

to Jimmy Z of Malibu,

where Velcro is king."

Fascinating, Margaux.

I'm writing a human-interest
column about Mr. Weaver.

The janitor?

Yeah, did you know
that his dust mops

come from Warsaw, Poland?

Who cares?

Hi, guys. I'm just finishing up
some research here.

Is that from Vinnie Wong's
Pizza Palace?

Yeah, this is the house special.

Pizza with pepperoni
and wonton.

Did you know Mr. Weaver says

that there's square feet

of hallways in this school?

And he uses
pounds of wax a year?

[chuckles]

Snooze city, Punky.

I know.
[sighs]

I could hardly stay awake
to write it.

Too bad I can't write about
what I saw in the cafeteria

this morning.

What did you see?

Jimmy Wieder and Caroline Finch

behind the dessert cart,
kissing!

[all screaming]

Alright!

- Now, that's human interest.
- Yeah.

Hey, why don't you write
about it, Punky?

Are you kidding?
That would be a gossip column.

Yeah. Why don't you?

Because it would be trashy
and cheap.

[chuckles]

- And great!
- Yeah!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Spud: Punky, wait!

Huh, your stuff is dynamite.

"Punky's Grapevine."

I-- it's the hottest column
in the paper.

It is? Thanks, Spud.

I guess I have a nose for news.

You know...

sometimes I hear gossip
in the boys' locker room

that just might interest you.

Good idea. I've had some trouble
getting in there.

Oh, Punky, about your column...

Yes, Mrs. Winston?

You must always make sure
to check your what?

- Spelling?
- No. Facts.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, Punky, you're famous!

I know.

Oh, would you put me
in your column?

I don't know, Cherie,
that would be kind of tough.

All you do is eat.

[laughing]
Good one.

There's my star reporter.

Punky, what can I say, except,

it's a pleasure
to set your type?

Thanks, Iwo.

By the way, Margaux,

Punky's Grapevine
is growing so fast,

I'm cutting your fashion stuff
down to one column inch.

One inch?

What can I write about
in one inch?

Miniskirts?

[laughing]

Hey, look!

There's Peggy.

Oh, what would a sixth grader
be doing

on the fifth-grade side
of the hall?

Peggy and I are dear friends.

We've shared lip gloss.

- Hello, Peggy.
- Hello, Martha.

Uh, that's Margaux.

That's what I said.

Could you please autograph
my copy of Punky's Grapevine?

- Autograph?
- Ah. I'm her best friend.

Peggy, care for some gloss?

- No, thank you, Marla.
- That's Martha.

Uh, Margaux.

- Can I ask you a huge favor?
- Sure, Peggy. Anything.

Well, would you mention
in your column

that I'm having a party
this Saturday night?

Only the most popular
sixth graders will be there.

You got it.

By the way, you're invited.

[gasps]
I am?

[both screeching]

- Please don't gush.
- Sorry.

- I'll be happy to come.
- Good. Oh, and one more thing.

Uh. Come alone.

[instrumental music]

"Reliable Rumor Department.

What boy,

whose initials are J.W.,

was seen kissing what girl,
whose initials are C.F.,

behind the dessert cart
in the cafeteria?"

- Isn't this a bit gossipy?
- Yeah. The kids loved it.

What happened
to that fascinating interview

with Mr. Weaver?

- The kids hated it.
- Oh.

This is what kids want to read.

Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl,

boy gets fat lip.

This is nothing to be proud of.

Not only is gossip
empty and meaningless,

but it can be damaging.
I-- it can hurt people.

I'm not hurting anyone.

I'm just giving people
what the people want.

[inhales sharply]
But, Punky,

I don't approve of this.

I think the standards
should be a little higher

in the fifth grade,
what's the name of this paper?

That's right.

The point is, a good journalist
should concern herself

with more important
subject matter.

You want important?
Listen to tomorrow's column.

"What boy,
whose name rhymes with mud,

ran yards
in the wrong direction

scoring a winning touchdown
for the other team?

Peggy "Miss Popularity" Peterson
is in a pickle.

She's having a big party
this Saturday night.

The question is, which one
of her two boyfriends

will be there?"

Oh.

"Finally, the best-
practical-joke-of-the-year award

goes to Mrs. Winston's
geography class.

Those crazy kids hid
a live frog in her briefcase."

What will they think of next?

[scoffs]

I realize I should let you
express yourself, Punky,

but this
is blatant sensationalism.

Thanks, Henry. I thought
it was pretty good myself.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Spud. Got any hot tips
for the old Punker?

Yeah. Get outta town
while you still have kneecaps.

What?

Thanks to you, everyone
is calling me Wrong-Way Mud.

What are you so upset about?
I made you famous.

Hey, Mud,
the classroom's that way.

[laughs]

I hope you're happy.

Hi, Peggy.

Don't "Hi, Peggy" me,
you, you,

oh, you fifth grader!

- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.

You just ruined my life,
that's all.

But how? You asked me to mention
your party in the paper.

I didn't ask you to mention
that I had two boyfriends.

- Had?
- Had.

They both read your column

and got into a big fight.

Oops. I'm sure they'll make up.
[chuckles]

Oh, well, they already did,
right after they dumped me.

How about if I have a little
chat with them at your party?

You are not coming to my party.

In fact, I'm spreading the word
about you.

You'll never get invited
to another party ever again.

[school bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Good morning, class.

Kids: Good morning,
Mrs. Winston.

Class, before we begin
our regular lesson,

I'd like to discuss what?

- Punky's Grapevine?
- Yes.

I'm referring
to the frog incident.

Ordinarily,
I could've seen the humor

in finding a frog
in my briefcase,

but last night I was so startled

that I tossed the briefcase
and the frog

right through my picture window.

My insurance policy
does not have a frog clause.

At first,
I suspected my biology class.

Ah. Uh-huh.

But now,
thanks to Punky's Grapevine,

I know exactly where
to place the blame.

Therefore,
uh, for the next two weeks,

this class will remain,
after school,

studying the evolutionary
development of the what?

- Frog?
- No.

The prison system.

And thanks to Punky

for bringing this
to my attention.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[typewriter keys clacking]

Thanks, Brandon.

Punky, it's awfully late.

It's time for you to go to bed.

I can't, Henry,
I have a deadline.

I admire your dedication.

I wish I could say the same
about your subject matter.

- But, Henry--
- Punky.

I realize, your column
is very popular with the kids,

but I would be remiss,
as a parent,

if I didn't stop you from going
on writing this dribble.

It's not dribble.

I had hoped, that when you were
given this assignment,

that you'd have made something
worthwhile out of it.

I don't even have to read this

to know this is full of empty,
worthless gossip.

The subject matter
is beneath you.

Will you at least check
my spelling?

Yes, I will.

Now, hit the sack.

[sighs]

"Dear readers,

if you want to know
who's kissing who,

who's having a party,
who's holding hands,

you're reading the wrong column

because this reporter
has given up gossip.

And I'm sorry if I've hurt
anyone or caused any problems.

From now on,
I'm only gonna write stories

that give us
a better understanding

of our fellow men.

The most interesting fellow man
I know is...

Henry P. Warnimont.

My dad, Henry,

is the greatest guy
I've ever met.

He's smart, kind
and very good looking.

One of the things that makes him
so interesting

is that he remembers things
that happened

before most people were born.

He hates it
when I make mistakes,

but he's careful
never to tell me

until he just
can't stand it anymore.

Sometimes I forget to tell him
how much I love him.

But he's so smart,
I think he already knows."

Punky, this is very touching.

- You like it?
- I love it!

Are you printing this?

Yeah, it comes out
in tomorrow's newspaper.

Thanks for being so patient
and understanding.

Well, I try.

Sometimes I succeed.

- Goodnight, Henry.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.

What a wonderful moment.

Oh, there's more.

"But the best thing
about my dad, Henry,

is that he's so forgiving.

And I know he won't get mad

when he finds out that I took
his brand-new camera apart

to see how it works.

Now all he has to do
is put it back together

so it will work again!"

Punky...

[theme music]