05x08 - Harriet's Happenings

[bunniefuu]

Up. Up, up, up.

Take it up a little
bit, for heaven's sake.

No, no, no, no! It's too much.

Now down just a
teensy, teensy-weensy...

There. Hold it!

Hold it.

Perfect. All right.
Hammer it home.

Oh! Here he comes!

Oh!

Sterling! Sterling!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo! Oh, ho! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, ho! Sterling,
it's me... Harriet!

Oh, ho! Sterling, it's me!

It's me... Harriet!

Oh! Oh! Ha ha ha!

Harriet, you
haven't changed a bit.

I'm not harriet!

I'm harriet!

Ha ha! Ah, of course you are.

Oh, you have changed...

For the better, of course.

Harriet: ha ha! Oh,
ladies and gentlemen,

Meet my second cousin on
my mother's side once removed,

Sterling murdock, the new editor
in chief of "the pen & the plow."

Come on, everybody.

[Applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Your welcome warms
the cockles of my heart.

I, uh...

I can only say that in the
years since I set forth

To follow the counsel of that
great editor horace greeley,

Who said, "go west,
young man, go west,"

I have faithfully kept
moving further west,

Never losing the
hope that one day

I would find the extremities
of my western horizon...

The end of the
rainbow, as it were.

Today, I have a
profound feeling...

Call it intuition,
if you will...

That walnut grove
is that rainbow's end

Where we will all find
the proverbial pot of gold...

Not only the gold that
glitters, I assure you,

But also the gold
of the good we can do

For the fine men, women, and
children of this community.

Sterling, sterling,
I have goose flesh!

Oh!

We're working
on a cure for that.

Laura: erich, we're supposed to
meet our pas at the newspaper.

We're going to see the printing
presses. You want to come with us?

Oh, I'd like to, but I
promised my father

I'd get home and help him.

Oh, ok. Well, we'll
see you tomorrow.

Last one there's a rotten egg!

Hi, pa.

How's it going, son?

How you doing, kids?

Can we come in and
see what it's like?

I don't see why not. Come
on. We'll ask mr. Murdock.

Mr. Murdock, my
children wondered

If they could have
a little look around.

Oh, they're welcome to.

That's my daughter
laura and my son albert.

And that's my son andy.

How do you do? Hi.

Charles: that's
the last of it, sir.

Oh, thank you.

You men did a good
job fixing this place up.

Thank you.

If you're interested,
I could use you

And your wagons
for another job...

Making paper
deliveries in bundles,

Dropping them off
at general stores

And post offices
around the township.

Once a week,
fridays. $. Apiece?

$. A week. I think
I'd be interested.

You just hired yourself
a couple of wagons.

Good.

We'll unhitch your team for you.

I appreciate it.

We'll see you later, kids.

See you later.

Children: bye.

Would there be any work for
me around here, mr. Murdock?

Well, matter of fact, there is.

My eyes aren't too good anymore,

And a printer with bad eyes

Is like a farmer with a
broken plow and no horses.

So I need two bright young
people to help me set type...

Printer's devils,
they're called.

I've been called worse.

It'd be about an hour
a day after school.

Pays cents a week.

Cents! I'm your
devil, mr. Murdock.

That's neat. Can
I be a devil, too?

She's smart.

All right. You're both hired.

How about me?

Well, I need some
enterprising young people

To distribute fliers.

I'm very enterprising!

Good. Pay is the same
as the others get.

We got to tell
our folks. Come on.

Albert: yeah! Thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Bye.

Good-bye.

As the great journalist
albert richardson

Wrote in the "new york tribune,"

A newspaper is the mother's
milk of an infant town.

Oh!

Oh, sterling,

You do have such a
wonderful way with words!

And just think... With
"the pen & the plow,"

It will suckle walnut grove

Into a robust and
mature metropolis.

Hmm! And beyond it...

And beyond it...

Oleson's mercantile will...

Will branch out all
over hero township.

And beyond that...

"Harriet oleson, proprietor."

The pot at the
end of the rainbow.

Gold. Remember?

Mm...

Tell me, sterling,

How do you go about
making up a newspaper?

I mean, where do you get
all the news and the articles?

Well, the insides,
all the general news,

Are printed in st. Paul,
shipped here weekly.

I see... And then the rest
of it, you make up here.

Exactly. The outsides, pages,

Consists of all our
local news and ads.

You write all that
yourself, uncle sterling?

Oh, couldn't possibly.

What with organizing
the business

And writing editorials,

Printing the paper,
et cetera, et cetera,

I'll need a head
reporter based here.

Happen to know anyone qualified

To write a news column
on walnut grove activities?

Do I ever!

I have the perfect person!

Who?

Me! Ha ha ha!

Well, I mean, all the news

Does filter in to
the mercantile.

And out her mouth.

Um, how much does
a head reporter get?

Well, with all my
starting-up costs, harriet,

I'm afraid I can't afford much.

Oh.

But, of course, if
the paper thrives,

The pay gets better.

Huh! I have the most
wonderful idea,

And it won't cost
either of us a cent.

I like the idea
already, whatever it is.

Barter... My salary for
free ads in the paper.

You've got a deal, harriet.

Ah, good. Ha ha ha!

Include a lot of
names, personal items.

People like to see their
names in the newspaper.

It boosts circulation.

Oh, yes, yes.

Don't you worry about that.

I'll name names and
times and places, too.

And, nellie, darling,
you can help me.

Can't she, nels?

Why not? She's got
her mother's nose.

Harriet: oh, I have the most
perfect name for my column!

Ha!

"Harriet's happenings."

That's going to
be $., Please.

Put it on our bill, please.

Ah! You know our policy.

All charges must be paid
by the end of the month.

Yes, I know, but I'm afraid

I just don't have
the money today.

Ah...

You know, my nellie would
be an excellent choice

To represent walnut
grove in the spelling bee.

Yes. She is a very good speller.

Yes.

And what with her
natural poise and beauty,

Walnut grove would have
a model representative.

And, of course, I would
donate a $. Gift certificate

To be honored here
at the mercantile.

That's very nice. Thank you.

Oh! That makes me the chairwoman

Of the awards
committee, doesn't it?

Ha ha ha!

Oh, about these purchases,

I'll just have to wait
till I have the cash.

No, no, no, no, no!

Why, I wouldn't dream
of depriving you.

Take them.

After all, we must
help one another

In time of need, mustn't we?

Thank you, mrs. Oleson.

Yes, of course.

Ha ha! Bye.

What does this say, erich?

We carry a fine line of
spectacles, mr. Schiller,

If it's reading
glasses you need.

What I need, frau
oleson, is english.

Aha.

Read it.

Yes, papa.

"The name blankie's is synonymous
with good drinking coffee."

This is true, frau
oleson? It is good coffee?

Oh, the best, mr. Schiller.

I drink it myself.

Well, how much does
it cost, frau oleson?

Cents.

[Speaking german]

Thank you anyway, frau oleson.

Mm-hmm, yes.

Harriet.

Huh?

Is this the ad that you
plan to run in the paper?

Yes.

It says here that
you plan to take

% Off every item in the store.

Yes, that's right.

Well, we can't
afford to take off %.

Oh, don't be silly.

We raise the prices %,
then we take off the %,

And that gives
us % more profit

Than as if we didn't
have a sale at all.

That's dishonest!

Of course it is.

Dumb. I've never
seen anyone so dumb.

Hey, there's something about pa

In "harriet's happenings."

What's it say?

"The reverend alden will be
out of town for the next weeks

"Carrying the good word
to other communities.

"In his absence, nels oleson,

Dr. Hiram baker, and charles
ingalls will conduct services."

Oh, and there's something
about the spelling bee.

"A reliable source... The
most reliable, initials a.g...

"Tells us nellie oleson,

"The lovely, brilliant daughter

"Of mrs. Oleson,

"Co-proprietor of
oleson's mercantile

"And chairwoman of
the awards committee,

Will be chosen to
represent walnut grove."

How does she know that?

Yeah. We haven't even
had the eliminations yet.

Sterling: want to see
what we've got so far?

The blank space is for
"harriet's happenings"

When you finish setting it.

w*r declared! Get your paper!

Read all about
it. The "pen & plow."

w*r declared!

Read all about it!

w*r declared?

"Oleson's mercantile declare w*r

On high costs and shoddy goods."

"Big % off sale."

w*r declared! Read all about it!

The "pen & plow." w*r declared!

Read all about it!

[Knock on door]

Jonathan.

Did you see you're mentioned
in "harriet's happenings," doc?

Well. She spell my name right?

Oh, yeah. Perfectly.

Says right here "dr. Hiram
baker lost another patient

When ezra jenkins
d*ed last wednesday."

Ezra jenkins was years old!

He just plumb wore out.

Well, I just read
it in the paper, doc,

And, look, it must be right.

It says right down here

It was written by "walnut
grove's leading citizen."

Hmm.

Misleading citizen
is more like it.

Hmm.

"Talk of the township.

"Claude beacons has been
spending an awful lot of time

"At widow foster's house lately.

One wonders if claude's
wife knows about it."

He's spending a lot
of time at her place

On her roof fixing it,

And his wife knows all about it.

Here's another choice tidbit.

"Mrs. Sally larson
has left her husband

"To return to chicago.

"Could there be someone
special in chicago?

Could the separation
be permanent?"

I could answer her questions.

The someone
special is her father,

And their separation
could be permanent.

He may die.

Well, if that's culture,
then I'm abraham lincoln.

You ought to use that
paper to start the fire.

[Door opens]

Oh, boy.

Ohh...

Oh, my!

Oh.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Get your feet off the sofa!

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

What a day.

It's the biggest
monday we ever had.

Ha! It's the biggest
any day we've ever had.

Oh, nels.

That paper is a
godsend! Ha ha ha!

Oh, now, listen.

We'll simply have to double
our order for next week's sale,

And what we'll do is we'll
have a % off on everything,

And we will raise
the prices %,

And that will give
us a % profit.

Harriet, we can't do that!

Can't? What do you mean, can't?

There's no such word as can't!

Nels! Now, sterling told me

That the subscriptions for
the paper are just pouring in,

Thanks to my writing. Ha ha ha!

Fess up, nels oleson.

I am a success in every way.

Including the worst way.

And now what is that
supposed to mean?

Well, now look at this.

Now, here you say,
"-month-married helga svenson

"Gave birth to her
first child, a baby boy.

She claims it was premature."

Well? Use your arithmetic.

Seems to me, it's as plain

As the nose on your
face what happened.

As plain as the nose
on your face, not mine.

It happens that I talked to
dr. Baker right after the delivery,

And he says the
birth was premature.

Well... There were rumors.

You are supposed to
print the facts, harriet,

Not rumors!

Well, it was a fact...
That there were rumors.

Willie: yeah. Nellie
was sweet on lars

And jealous of helga,
so she spread rumors.

What?!

Well, of course. They
have to start somewhere.

Where is nellie?

Upstairs, crying.

Crying? Oh, what happened?

Willie: we had the eliminations
today for the spelling bee.

Aha! And?

Erich schiller won.

Erich schiller? That
alice garvey betrayed me!

It was a perfectly fair test.

Everybody knows that erich
is the smartest boy in school.

Well, it's not fair!

Schiller and g-a-r-v-e-y,

And they're right
here on my little list.

[Door bell jingles]

Harriet: here you are.

I'll have that corset in
for you next week, all right?

Nels: hello, jonathan.

Nels.

Now, caroline, have you read
the "pen & plow" this week?

Yes, I have.

"Harriet's happenings"?

Yes, I did.

Uh-huh. Well?
What did you think?

I thought it was
inaccurate, mrs. Oleson.

Inaccurate.

For example?

For example, I personally know

The beacons and larsons
stories are untrue.

Well, if they are untrue,

And I'm not saying
that they are, mind you,

But if they are untrue,

We shall certainly
print a retraction.

Sterling says that there's a
little space in the back page

In the ad section for just
such innocent mistakes.

I'm afraid that's too little
and too late, mrs. Oleson.

The harm's already been done.

Mrs. Ingalls, we
will not be needing

Any more eggs in the
foreseeable future.

Mrs. Oleson, I'm sure the hens

Will be relieved to hear that.

[Whispering] that's telling her.

Thank you, mrs. Linstrom.

I don't think that would
fit you too well, jonathan.

Too small around
the chest. Ha ha ha!

I was just thinking how
nice that would look on alice.

Yeah.

It's our th wedding
anniversary.

The only question is,
will it fit my pocketbook?

Well, let's see. Uh...$..

$.. I'm afraid I'm
a little short, nels.

Oh, I'm sure we can
work something out.

Harriet: as I told your
wife, mr. Garvey,

I'm afraid we cannot
extend further credit

Until past accounts is settled.

Well, now, harriet, this is
their th wedding anniversary.

Nels! You know our
policy as well as I do.

Now, if we make an exception,

Every tom, d*ck, and
harry is going to be in here

Trying to freeload on us.

No. We simply cannot
make an exception.

We can't afford it on
frivolous items such as clothing.

Of course, if it were
something like foodstuffs,

Something of necessity, say,

Why, I'd be more than willing

To extend you further
credit, mr. Garvey.

How about a nice ham?

Ha ha!

You want me to give alice a ham

For our th anniversary?

Oh, uh... A nice
rasher of bacon?

No, thank you.

Suit yourself...

Overgrown ingrate!

I'm sorry, jonathan.

Can you hold that
dress for me, nels?

That I can do.

I'm sure I can get a small loan
over at the bank in sleepy eye.

I'll be back.

Willie: get your paper!
Read all about it!

The "pen & plow." It's
the latest issue, folks.

Come on, get your "pen
& plow." Read all about it!

The "pen & plow."

Get your paper.
Read all about it!

Jonathan, listen to this.

"Your devoted reporter
hears disturbing reports

"Of short weight, low
quality, and high prices

"In the general stores
over at tracy and lamberton.

"At oleson's mercantile,
it is always the reverse.

"The highest quality
and the lowest prices

In hero township."

I swear, that woman
doesn't miss a trick.

She must write that
stuff with a hatchet.

Dipped in venom.

Jonathan.

What?

What she's written
here about us.

"Via an extremely
reliable source,

"We have learned with sadness
that the jonathan garveys

"Are deeply in debt,

"Unable to pay
long overdue bills.

Bankruptcy looms, and
they may lose their farm."

Is that right, pa?

Of course not, son. I...

I may have a bill over
at the mercantile,

But I'm going to
take care of that.

Pure spite!

Well, I'll tell you,

That's the only thing
pure about harriet oleson.

What are you studying
that's causing all that pain?

Spelling.

Oh.

What do you think walnut
grove's chances are

In that spelling bee next week?

I just hope erich schiller wins.

Me, too. Did you read

What mrs. Oleson wrote
about him in the paper?

No. I don't read
that paper anymore,

Leastwise not mrs.
Oleson's part of it.

We set the type,

So we have to read it.

[Mocking] "eric schiller
was voted to represent

"Walnut grove in the
annual spelling bee.

Of course, we would
all like him to win."

Oh, I'm surprised.
That's very nice...

For harriet.

Wait, ma. That's not all.

"However, it is most unlikely

"Because erich comes
from an illiterate family,

"Though erich tries
hard to conceal

This sad and embarrassing fact."

Well, that sounds
more like harriet.

What an awful thing to say.

Oh, she's just jealous because
her nellie wasn't picked.

One thing for
sure... I'll be there

At the spelling bee
rooting for erich.

By the way, how you
doing on your spelling?

Don't ask.

Mm. Good cherry pie, mama.

[Speaking german]

Danke, papa.

Would you like a little more?

No, mama.

You know how I enjoy
to see you eating my food.

Hmm. Now you read the
paper for us, erich. Huh?

Oh, sure, papa.

"A flood hits walnut grove."

What flood?

Mr. Schiller: don't even
rain since weeks.

Ha ha! False alarm.

It says, "a flood of
the new eastern styles

Pours into oleson's mercantile."

Ha ha ha!

That is one crazy lady.

Oh, what else is
happening by harriet?

Well, there's something
in here about me!

Read it! What does it say?

[Speaking german]

Oh, it says, "erich
schiller has been elected

"To represent walnut grove
in the annual spelling bee.

Of course, we would
all like him to win."

Oh! Our boy, papa!

Well, maybe she's
only half-crazy.

Does it say anything else

About you, erich?

Uh... No, mom. That's it.

I think I'd better get
some more firewood.

[Sighs]

S-h-u-i-s. "Repetishuis."

No, jenny. I'm sorry.

Erich, "repetitious."

Repetitious.

R-e-p...

I... T...

I...

T-i-o-u-s: repetitious.

Correct.

[Applause]

Mein bible. Didn't
think it could hurt.

Alice: sarah, will you
spell "mimosaceous"?

Mimosaceous. M-i... Mi...

M-o...

Mimosa... S-a...

C-e-o-u-s.

[Applause]

Erich.

"Xanthophyll."

Xanthophyll.

X... A... N...

T... H-o...

P... H...

[Pencil tapping]

[Sighs]

I... L-l?

I'm sorry, erich.

Aw.

Erich!

Alice: sarah, "xanthophyll."

Sarah: x-a-n...

T-h-o...

P-h-y-l-l: xanthophyll.

Alice: correct.

Erich. Mr. Schiller.

Ah, good morning, mr. Ingalls.

You left your bible
at the spelling bee.

I was going to give it to you when
you came out at church sunday,

But I didn't see you.

Erich was sick. Danke.

Erich?

Mrs. Garvey told
me you quit school.

I'm sorry to hear about that.

She said you had a very good
chance for a scholarship.

I don't need school anymore.

Papa's done fine without it.

I do not understand.

Ever since that spelling match,

Erich does not like school,

And he liked it
before... So much.

You know, nobody expected
you to win that spelling bee.

We all know you
were trying too hard

Because of what mrs.
Oleson wrote in the paper.

She only say she
hopes erich will win.

No, sir. She said a
lot more than that.

What?

I think you should
let erich tell you that.

Just remember, son,
if you quit school,

Mrs. Oleson gets
her petty revenge.

The only one that's
going to suffer is you.

You best have a
talk with your pa.

Mr. Schiller.

Well, what else did she say?

Well, she said that...

She said I didn't have a
chance to win because...

Well, because you and
mama were illiterate.

Why did you not
tell me this before?

Well, I didn't want you
and mama to be hurt.

That woman cannot
hurt us, erich.

We only get hurt if you
do not go back to school

So you can become
better than we are.

Well, that's just it, papa.

I don't want to become
better than you are. I couldn't.

Ah, cabbagehead,
better educated!

That's the way it
is in this country.

You could become president!

Oh, papa.

Oh, papa, I love you.

I love you, too, you...

You cabbagehead.

Go to school. Now!

Whoa.

Tell by the look on
your face how it went.

All the way over there

To sleepy eye and
back for nothing.

How come? You weren't
asking for that big a loan.

You might say it was one
of harriet's happenings.

You know that article she
wrote about me going bankrupt?

Yeah.

Well, he read it.

You told him it wasn't
the truth, didn't you?

Of course I did. He sat there
with a big smile on his face,

Like a cat that ate
a canary, and said,

"All I know is what I
read in the papers."

Then he turned me down.

I'm going to tell you something.

This whole thing is
getting out of hand.

It's not just this. It's a
whole bunch of things.

I think it's time one of us
had a talk with murdock.

You want to come along?

No. The way I feel right now,

I'm liable to do my
talking with my fists.

Charles: you had a
chance to do some good

For this community, mr. Murdock.

Instead, you've been
using your newspaper,

And us, for your
own personal profit.

This is america, mr. Ingalls.

Every business is entitled
to make a legitimate profit,

Even newspapers.

Come on. This isn't a
legitimate newspaper.

It's a scandal sheet.

I resent that.

Well, so do i!

I resent the fact that
your cousin once removed

Uses her pen to write
lies, lies that hurt people,

To square grudges and to
promote herself and her business.

Harriet is only doing her job...

Reporting the news
of walnut grove.

That's not news. It's vindictive
gossip, and you know it.

Call it what you will.

I give the public what it wants,

And the proof is that
subscriptions are still pouring in,

And so are the ads.

They go hand in hand.

Well, not in my hand.
I don't buy garbage.

I understand you owe
my children a week's pay.

They'll be in this
afternoon to collect it.

[Door slams]

[Dog barks]

Oh! Go on, scat!

[Barks]

Aah! Is that your
dog? Take him away!

Get out of here!

Oh! Aah! Aah! Get away!

Ooh! Why do people bring
their dogs into town?

They should be on the farm.

Ooh-hoo! Your star
reporter's here.

Oh! Where's cousin sterling?

He went down to telegraph
for some more newsprint

For next week's paper.

Oh! Well...

We're just waiting to get paid.

Uh-huh. Isn't it marvelous?

The demand has exceeded
my wildest expectations.

Now, I want to check my
copy before it goes to press.

Ha ha ha ha!

"Gigantic surplus sale.

% Off everything." Yes.

"There is a rumor
being widely circulated

"That nellie oleson probably has

"The highest moral
character in the community.

She won't be seen out
with a boy at night."

[Humming]

Aha!

"Mrs. Oleson has been
receiving many, many compliments

"On her likeness in
the pen & the plow.

"Some say that it brings
out her natural beauty,

And others say it doesn't
quite do her justice."

All right. Everything
appears to be in order.

You may tell cousin sterling

That he may go to press
whenever he likes. Ta-ta!

[Mocking] ta-ta!

You know, I think we ought
to check this type again.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Besides, pa said we can't.

I know what he said,

But I thought we might
change it a little bit...

If you get my meaning.

I get it.

Oh, boy, do I get it!

Woman: oh, it's so exciting!

Oh! Nels. Ha ha ha!

It's going to be a banner day!

They're coming in droves.

Like sheep to the shearing.

Ah! Oh, my! Oh, good morning!

Good morning! Good morning!

Come in, come in, come in!

Morning. Welcome.

Uh, did... Uh...

I-i'll put it on, uh... Your...

Good morning, mrs. Foster.

Welcome to the
sale to end all sales.

It certainly should.

Is there something in
particular you had in mind?

Well, I've been
wanting a mantel clock.

Oh.

Couldn't afford it.

Uh-huh.

But with a sale like this,
anyone can afford anything!

Oh, yes. Well, now, this
is our very best model.

Oh, it's so nice. I'll take it!

Well, wait, mrs. Foster.

You haven't paid me for it yet.

Of course not. It says
right here in this paper...

Yes.

Public service sale.
% Off of everything.

%! What?!

Thank you, harriet,
for the clock.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, that's a mistake!

Wonderful sale!

Nels: harriet! What's happening?

You don't understand! Well,
you can't go out with that!

What in the name of
heaven did you do?

You have to pay for it!
Oh, it's a gross error!

Get in here. Get in here!

No, nels! Nels! The
store is closed!

Nels! Nels, all our merchandise!

Nels! Ohh!

Now, that's what I
call a real happening.

Nice thing is, it's
happening to harriet.

[Both laughing]

It's all right.

I've got all the doors locked.

I hate you!

Nellie! What?

I don't want to be
your daughter anymore!

What's the matter?

What it says here.

"With nellie oleson's looks,

No boy will be seen
out with her at night!"

Oh! Oh! I didn't write that!

Oh! They can't do this to me!

There's no such
word as can't, harriet.

Wait till you read
what it says about you,

Right at the top.

"We have it from a
most reliable source

That mrs. Oleson's hair is..."

Huh! "Is not all her own,

And neither are her teeth."

[Sobbing] nels!

[Crying]

[Cow mooing]

Harriet: I tell you,
caroline ingalls,

I am so mad, I could spit!

Caroline: my dear harriet,

The children are being
punished for what they did.

Harriet: how? I want to know,
how are they being punished?

They can't work for
the paper anymore.

They can't work...

Of course they can't work
for the paper anymore!

Good grief, woman!

They should be horsewhipped
for what they've done,

Telling those monstrous
lies about me and nellie!

[Sobbing]

Well, if the items were wrong,

And I don't know
that they were...

Wrong? Well, of
course they were wrong!

Then you can always
print a retraction.

Put it right on the front page.

Don't stick it way in the back.

Something to
the effect of, um...

"Contrary to published reports,

"Harriet oleson does
not have false teeth

And does not wear a wig."

Willie: get your special
edition. "Pen & plow."

Get your paper.
"Harriet's happenings."

Fish weren't biting, huh?

We were catching some.

How come you came home so early?

Because of this.

Look, I told you I didn't
want any member of my family

Buying that newspaper again.

We didn't buy it.

Nellie oleson brought
it to us at the pond.

She told us her mother said

She wanted albert
to have one for free.

Well, what did she say?

You want to read it?

Yeah.

It's right here at the top.

"The joke of walnut grove.

"The whole town is
laughing over the fact

"That charles ingalls' young
houseguest, albert no-name,

"Calls charles pa.

"He even had the audacity
to register the boy

"In walnut grove's
school as albert ingalls.

"But who are we to laugh?

"Perhaps the boy
really is charles',

In which case the joke
is on caroline ingalls."

I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

It was my idea to
change the type.

We just wanted to
teach her a lesson,

Give her a taste
of her own medicine.

I know. It's nobody's fault.

Um, I'll tell mrs. Garvey
to change my name

Back to just plain albert.

You'll do no such thing,

Not because of the
likes of mrs. Oleson.

Do you like being my son?

Well, sure.

Well, I like being your pa,
so that's the end of that.

There's something about
the schillers in there, too.

Let me see.

"As reported
earlier in this column,

"It was a sad mistake to pick

"The son of illiterate parents

"To represent walnut
grove in the spelling contest.

"Perhaps mrs. Garvey has
learned her lesson this time.

"By the way, mr. Garvey
is considering

"Buying his wife a ham for
their th wedding anniversary.

I call that true love."

I just wish people would
stop buying this trash.

But they don't.

Nellie said this
was the last one.

They're all sold out.

Well, it's not going
to do any good,

But come church
services this sunday,

The folks in this town

Are going to learn a little bit

About the "pen & the plow."

[Church bell ringing]

[Baby crying]

Peace be with you.

Woman: and with you.

In reverend alden's absence,

I guess I was a little
nervous this morning.

I forgot my bible.

Mr. Schiller was kind
enough to lend me his.

The text I've chosen
for this morning

Is "exodus"
chapter , verse .

I think it only fitting that the
outstanding citizen of walnut grove

Read that text
for us this morning.

Mrs. Oleson.

Would you mind?

"Exodus" :.

Yes.

I can't read this!

Why? Are you illiterate?

Well, of course not!

It's written in some
kind of foreign gibberish.

It's not gibberish. It's german.

Well! Because I
can't read german

Doesn't make me illiterate.

I agree with you,

And, by the same token, I
think you'll agree with me

That not being
able to read english

Doesn't make mr. And mrs.
Schiller illiterate, either.

Charles: as a matter of fact,
far from being illiterate,

Mr. And mrs. Schiller
speak two languages,

Which, I think, is
more than most of us

In this church can claim.

There is someone
else in this church

That speaks two languages...

Mr. Sterling murdock.

Mr. Murdock's second language
is that of his newspaper,

The "pen & the plow."

It's a language made
up of half-truths,

Innuendos, and outright lies.

It's the language of
yellow journalism.

I do not think church
is the proper place

To discuss this sort of thing.

And I most certainly
agree with sterling!

Well, I don't. I think
it's a perfect place.

I don't think there's a
better place in the world.

Would you sit down, mrs. Oleson?

When I talked to
mr. Murdock about the harm

That his newspaper was doing,

He shut me off.

He claimed his right to
freedom of the press.

Well, as I see it,

Freedom of the press
doesn't give anyone the right

To print lies that
blacken a person's name...

And cause pain,

And that is exactly what
the "pen & the plow" is doing,

In direct conflict with the text

That I chose this morning,

The eighth commandment:

"Thou shalt not bear false
witness against thy neighbor."

But mr. Murdock told me that is the
language that you all want to read.

And apparently he's right.

And I've asked myself
over and over again,

Why do you continue
to support that paper?

Do you derive that much pleasure

From the pain and
suffering of others?

Or is it because it's not
you that's being hurt?

When you go out and
buy that newspaper

On saturday morning...

You are supporting
and encouraging

The very sins that you decry
in this church on sunday.

Well, I think it's time

That we begin to
practice what we preach

Inside this church,
outside this church...

On the streets
of walnut grove...

On our farms, in our homes...

With our friends,
our neighbors...

And our loved ones...

With every human
being everywhere.

In the name of
god, think about it.

Shall we rise and
sing "what a friend"?

♪ What a friend
we have in jesus ♪

♪ All our sins and
griefs to bear ♪

♪ What a privilege to carry ♪

♪ Everything to god in prayer! ♪

Of course, we're not
open usually on sunday,

But if you stop by
after the service,

I've got that item
that you ordered.

♪ O what needless pain we bear ♪

♪ All because we do not carry ♪

♪ Everything to god in prayer ♪

Laura: the "pen & the
plow" went out of business

A month later,

And walnut grove
got back to normal.

Pa hopes someday we'll
have another newspaper,

A real newspaper
that prints the truth.

Freedom of the press, pa says,

Is as important as all
our other freedoms

And should never be abused.