03x10 - Fighting City Hall

[bunniefuu]

Who is it?

It's us, Henry.
Our hands are full.

What are you watching?

"Gotterdammerung."

Henry, if I said that,

you'd wash my mouth out
with soap.

"Gotterdammerung" happens
to be a magnificent opera.

Opera?

We thought you were
torturing cats in here.

Look at that lady!

She's wearing an iron bra.

Boy, that must be cold.

It helps her hit the high notes.

How did you girls get so filthy?

We were playing baseball
in that vacant lot

on the corner, and we won.

Yeah!

Nobody won.

Except maybe New Blue Cheer.

Punky made
the game-winning catch.

Spud hit a high fly
to deep left.

Punky leaped over
the tractor tire,

slid through a mud puddle

and speared it, one hand,

just before she fell
into a trunk

of old rusted-out Studebaker.

Piece of cake.

I don't want you playing
in that empty lot.

It's dangerous.

But it's the only place
around here.

It's either that
or play in the street.

Why don't you play in the park?

The closest park
is five miles away.

Hey, why don't they turn
that vacant lot into a park?

Punky, it's not that simple.

It takes a politician
to make a park.

Why don't we hire
President Carter?

He needs a job.

That's not the way it works.

First, we have to draft
a citizen's petition.

Too bad. I'm too young
and you're too old.

- For what?
- For the draft.

That's not what I meant.

First, we make a request
for the park.

Then we choose a spokesperson

to present it
to the City Council.

But who's gonna be
the spokesperson?

Oh, we'll ask Mrs. Johnson.
She has a loud mouth.

I mean, she's very articulate.

She can't,
she's on the emergency call

for the hospital this month.

In fact, I'm on emergency call
for the kitchen.

I have to make her dinner. Bye!

Well, Henry, I guess
that leaves it up to you.

- Leaves what up to me?
- Speak to the council.

Oh-ho-ho.
Sorry, I can't.

Why not?

I have to photograph for the...

Halley's Comet.

But Halley's Comet won't be back
for another years.

A good photographer prepares.

Henry, something tells me that
you're not telling me something.

Sit down, Punky.

I have to reveal something that
may come as a big shock to you.

What is it?

I am...

not perfect.

No!

Yes.

I have faults.

Henry, I know that.

You do?
Name one.

You're grumpy, absent-minded,
and tight with a buck.

That's three.
I only asked for one.

Sorry.

I have another fault

that I'm sure
you're not aware of.

What is it?

I am terrified
of public speaking.

You are?

Henry, I thought
you weren't afraid of anything.

Oh, well, generally,
I am fearless.

But in high school,
I had to make a speech

about the bald eagle.

I called it, "The Big Bald Beast
In The Sky."

Good title.

Unfortunately, the title
was all anyone heard.

When I saw those faces
staring at me...

my palms got sweaty,

my mouth dried up,

and my voice went up
three octaves.

It was horrible.

Oh, I'm sorry, Punky,
I can't do it.

That's okay.

Who needs a park anyway?

I'll just hang up the old glove,

put away the spikes,

sit around here,

get fat...

and have nine chins.

Well, alright, alright.

I'll make the speech
to the City Council.

Thanks, Henry. I know
you'll be a great speaker.

Of course I will.

Just kidding... I hope.

Okay, Brandon...

You wanna hear the opening
of my speech one more time?

That's just plain rude.

Hey, Henry, what's up?

My blood pressure.

My speech is terrible.

No, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is.

It's boring even for dogs.

Don't worry, Henry.
I've got your answer right here.

I picked up this book
at the library

just in case you needed it.

"How To Get
Laughed At In Public."

Why doesn't that reassure me?

It tells how to give interesting
and funny speeches.

Um, chapter one,

"Warm up your audience
with a joke."

But I don't know any jokes.

I got a great one
out of the book.

Mr. and Mrs. Schultz

go into a psychiatrist's office.

And Mrs. Schultz goes,

"Doctor, you've got
to help my husband."

"He thinks he's a dog."

So, the doctor turns
to the man and says,

"Have a seat on the couch."

And Mrs. Schultz says,
"He's not allowed on the couch."

That's funny.

But the... does the book say
how to handle

paralyzing, heart-stopping fear?

Yeah, there's a whole chapter
on that.

See, here's a cartoon of a guy
wearing rubber underwear.

Ooh!

I'll see you later.

Are you going to read
the chapter?

No, I'm going to order
the underwear.

So, we've all read the reports.

All in favor of increasing
the retirement benefits

for city workers?

Aye!

Opposed?

Motion's carried.

He is so cute.

Cherie, he's too old.

He's gotta be at least .

No wonder he's so interested
in retirement benefits.

Well, that takes care
of the city's business

for this evening.

And now, it's time to lend
an attentive ear

to our most important concern.

The citizens of Chicago.

That's you, Henry.

I know.
Look, my palms are sweating.

Now, before we begin,
may I remind everyone

that public-access TV
will be televising at this time.

Now, it is our pleasure
to open the floor

to anyone who wishes to speak.

I'd like to propose
that the council members

get a whopping raise in salary.

Sit down, mother.

This is not the proper time.

Well, when is the proper time?

You promised me a snow blower!

A... a... anyone else?

Please?

Here goes nothing.

Ladies and council
of the gentlemen...

That's just plain silly.

I meant, uh...

What I meant was, uh, was, uh...

Hit them with the joke, Henry.

Right!

When I look around the room,
I'm reminded of the couple

who went
to the psychiatrist's office.

The name was Schultz.

The couple,
not the psychiatrist.

I don't know his name...
or her name.

Oh, let's make it a him.

Uh, uh, Mr. Schultz,
err, Warnimont,

the council is not interested
in hearing jokes,

if that's what that was.

And now, do you mind
getting on with it?

Oh, yes. Of course.

I'm here to strongly urge...

that this distinguished body...

establish by proclamation...

for the children
of our neighborhood...

aah...

Aah...

Mr. Warnimont, are you alright?

Punky, I can't take my eyes off
of that Beckmeir.

He reminds me of the bald eagle.

It's high school all over again.

Now, see here, Mr. Warnimont,

there are other citizens
waiting.

Oh, I know, Mr. Baldmeir.

I mean, Beckmeir.

But I'm not feeling quite well.

Maybe if you'd put on a hat?

What?

I'm feeling a little queasy.

Where is the little
councilman's room?

It's right down the hall.

Is it okay if I leave?

All in favor of his leaving?

Aye!

Want me to make you some tea?

Sure, Punky.

Go ahead and make some tea

while I cover up
all the mirrors.

Why would you do that?

I never want to look
at myself again.

Henry, you're being
too hard on yourself.

It wasn't that bad.

Ah, it was horrible.

All my friends saw me choke
on television.

Come on, nobody watches
that city council stuff.

Hello?

No, this is not the residence
of Choke Warnimont.

Nobody watches, huh?

Henry, I know you think you
really bombed out tonight.

And you did.

But this turned out
to be very lucky for us.

Lucky?

Yeah, when you were
in the bathroom,

I made our speech for the park.

And let's face it,
they loved me.

Who wouldn't?

Isn't that great?

I'm very happy for you.

- I can't wait till next week.
- Next week?

Yeah, that's when they'll
give us approval on the park.

I'll make another
stirring speech.

You're gonna write a speech?

Nah, I'll just wing it.

Oh, and, Henry,

don't worry,
everyone will forget

how bad you were real quick.

I hope so.

Goodnight, Punky.

Goodnight, Henry.

Hey, it's Choke Warnimont.

Speak. Speak!

And so, I feel the extra
traffic lights will save lives

and benefit
the entire community.

Yeah! Way to go!

- Way to go.
- Shh...

Cherie, put a cork in it.

Now remember, Punky,
I'm not going to say one word.

You don't have to.

We're just gonna
get the good news,

go home and celebrate.

Now, next on the agenda...

Listen, what about
my snowblower?

Sit down, Mrs. Beckmeir.

Now, our next order of business

is the vacant lot on the corner
of Pierce and Pulaski Street.

That's us! So.

When do we start growing grass

and putting down the bases?

Uh, we appreciate your
enthusiasm, Ms. Brewster,

and we are considering
your petition for a park.

However, there is another
fine citizen of Chicago

who's been working very hard
on his own plans for this lot.

And we've agreed to let him
voice his point of views too.

That's the democratic way.

Yeah. I guess.

That's a good attitude.

Mr. Arnold.

Oh, thank you.

I hope the council's
had a chance to read

our land use and, uh,
development study?

Uh, we certainly have,
Mr. Arnold.

Well, good.

"The General Casimir Pulaski
Memorial Shopping Center,"

honoring the famous
Polish-American patriot,

uh, has been
meticulously planned.

Casimir would've been proud.

Cashmere?

I think he's the guy
that invented sweaters.

And now, if I may,
I'd like to remind the council

that I'm paying the city
well over appraised value

for that lot.

Plus wonderful taxes
when we open.

Thank you very much
for your valuable time.

Oh, and, uh, please enjoy
those free Casimir coupon books.

Oh...

Dry cleaning.
And...

Is the council ready for a vote?

Good, now, all those in favor

of the Casimir Pulaski
Memorial Shopping Center?

Aye!

Opposed?

Me!

Wait a minute here.

What about our park?
When do we vote for that?

Ms. Brewster, we must think
about the economics.

Now, a shopping center will
generate jobs and revenue.

A park will generate
grass and weeds.

We must consider the highest
and best use of this land.

What do you mean,
highest and best use?

- You promised us a park.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry,
but the council has voted.

So, I hereby declare...

Hold it!

I have something to say.

It's right down the hall.

I have something to say
and I'm going to say it,

if not to the council,

then to the concerned
citizens of Chicago.

Unless you consider this to be

your own private club, sir?

Well, of course not.

Every citizen in Chicago
is entitled to express opinion.

In the last few weeks,
I made a disturbing discovery.

I found out that my daughter

is an underprivileged child.

She is deprived
of her God-given right

to play shortstop

without sliding
into broken glass

or into a rusty Studebaker.

I invite any one of you

to drive through
our neighborhood.

What will you find
on every corner?

This man's sign!

"Coming soon, another mini-mart,
courtesy of Arnold."

"Featuring chicken on a stick,

chicken on fire,
chicken all night."

What got into your dad?

I don't know,
but it sure isn't chicken.

Folks, we're swamped with
shopping centers, aren't we?

Mm! Yes!

And the traffic
that comes with them, right?

Right! Right!

If you've had it up to here
with the extra trash,

the extra noise,
and the extra crime,

let this council know!

Yeah!

Give me the sights and sounds
of children playing.

Show me grass
and flowers blooming.

Let me hear the songs of birds

nesting in the trees.

Friends, it's time
that we stop thinking

that the highest and best use
of Chicago real estate

is filling your pockets.

It is time to fill our souls!

Aye, sir, we will take your
comments under advisement,

and certainly, by next week,
we will have...

Vote! Let's take it to a vote!

Vote! Vote! Vote!

Vote! Vote! Vote!

Vote! Vote! Vote!

All in favor of the creation
of Pulaski Park?

Aye!

Opposed?
Motion carried!

Ms. Brewster, you can start
oiling up your baseball glove.

Yay!

Henry, you were great.

I was?

Yeah, you gave
a terrific speech.

Speech? Me?

Oh, my! Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Punky?

It's right down the hall.