03x15 - Punky's Porker

[bunniefuu]

These are great pictures, Henry.

Thank you.

What are they for?

A little job I'm doing
for the police department.

Ooh, this guy's definitely
the criminal type.

- Who is he?
- The chief of police.

I'm sh**ting posters
for the Policemen's Ball.

Hi there.

I guess that means hi
in pig language.

I'm Punky Brewster.
What's your name?

Oh.
You don't have a name?

Then I may have to name you.

Or else you'll never get mail.

I hereby dub thee...

Pinky the pig.

Eww.

You like that name, huh?

Looks like we're gonna be
pen pals.

Don't handle the hog, honey.

Her name is Pinky.

Her name is Pork Chops.
Now, uh...

- Run along, little girl.
- But...

Don't you have some shopliftin'
you need to do?

I'll be right over here, Pinky.

Howdy, folks!

My name is Jimmy John,

and I'm here to talk pork.

Now, since my company
is brand spanking new,

I'd like you to help me out
with a little survey.

Let me see the hands
of everybody here that had ham,

bacon, or sausage for breakfast.

Okay, now how many
of you are sure

that that pig was fit to eat?

Well, Jimmy John's pork products

are guaranteed
to be the freshest,

tenderest, tastiest you've ever
wrapped your lips around.

That's why our motto is,

"What goes down, stays down."

Now, folks, take a look inside
the pen here, what do you see?

No, ma'am,
that's not Shelley Winters.

That's a Jimmy John
prize porker.

Right now, this is just
pounds, a humongous hog.

But in a few days it will be

ham, bacon, spare ribs,
and pork chops.

Are there any questions?

Sir, are you really gonna
k*ll that poor pig?

Since there are no questions...

Now let me urge you good people
to step up here

and sample some
of our succulent sausage.

There you go.

Henry, they're gonna k*ll Pinky!

Who?

That sweet,
adorable pig out there.

Good grief.

That animal would keep us
in breakfast

till you got out of college.

You don't care
if she gets k*lled?

Well, we could go
to the funeral.

Henry!

She's gonna be butchered!

Punky...

that's what happens to pigs.

But Pinky's special.

I had a nice conversation
with her.

You'd like her
if you got to know her also.

I make it a point

never to get
emotionally involved.

Especially, with a pig.

Don't give up hope, Pinky.

I'll save you.

Okay, open your school books,
so it looks like we're studying.

Brandon, you wait in the hall
and whistle if anyone comes.

Did you bring
your black clothes?

- Yeah.
- What are they for?

We've gotta help a pig.

Are you talking about
Emma Blotsky?

No, I'm talking
about a real pig.

Oh, Sharon Fusco.

No, an actual oink-oink.

- Tammy Tishman.
- Tammy Tishman.

Pay attention!

It's a pound animal

with four legs and a curly tail.

But that's a pig.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

There's a pig in the mall,
and we have to help it.

Why?

Because if we don't

it'll be k*lled, put in packages

and sent to stores
all over the city.

- Yeah?
- Cherie, I know this pig.

Her name is Pinky.

- She's real smart.
- I hate pigs.

They're ugly, filthy,
and they have no waistline.

So here's the plan.

We'll wear dark clothes,

sneak into the mall,
and rescue the pig.

Cherie, are you with me?

I guess so.
You are my best friend.

Margaux?

We're not that close.

Margaux, how would you like
Richie Von Tr*mp to find out

that you're not really related
to the Kennedys?

That's blackmail.

Remember, we're not that close.

- Count me in.
- Yay!

Well, when did Brandon learn
to whistle like that?

Since that French poodle
moved in down the street.

What are you girls studying?

- History.
- Math.

What?

Uh, the history of math.

They didn't teach that
in my day.

Look, I'm not busy,
so if you need any help...

No, thanks. We'll never learn
if we don't do it ourselves.

You're right.

Maybe I'll just hang around
and watch.

Uh, grandma, please.

We're trying to work here.

No, you're not.

I'm on to you scamps.

You are?

You're not studying.

We... we are not?

No.

I know exactly
what you're talkin' about.

- You do?
- Yes.

Boys.

She caught us.

Red-handed.

Well, you girls
want some advice?

No, thanks.

Do you wanna give me some?

No, thanks.

You want me outta here?

Yes, please.

The Midtown Mall is now closed.

Goodnight, and thank you
for your patronage.

I feel silly.

It might have something to do
with the way you're dressed.

Well, you said
bring something black.

I didn't know
I had a date with a pig.

The coast is clear. Psst, psst.

That's Pinky.
Isn't she cute?

Punky, you could use some rest.

Well, I think she's cute.

How are we gonna get her
out of here?

Can't she jump over the fence?

Get real. She'll end up down
in the parking garage.

Uh-oh. Gate is locked.

Stand aside.

I'll pick the lock.

You know how to do that?

Well, occasionally,

I like to read
my mother's diary.

Voila.

Margaux, remember when I said

you were stuck-up,
obnoxious and useless?

- Yes.
- I take back useless.

Hi, Pinky.

We're here to rescue you.

Not by choice.

- This is Cherie.
- Hi, Pinky.

Look at the size of that nose.

Yeah, she's even snootier
than Margaux.

Quick, someone's coming. Hide.

Oh, oh.

Come on.

Twenty years with Brink's
and I end up guarding a pig.

Yo, Dwayne, the swine is fine.
Where are you?

I'm over at Video Kingdom.

Wanna watch
"Biker Girls From Mars?"

Sure. Tell you what,

I'll stop off at Popcorn Kingdom
on the way.

That was a close call.

Look at me!
This dress is ruined.

Look at the bright side.

It's a perfect dress

if you ever get invited
to a formal hayride.

Okay, Pinky,
you're bustin' outta here.

We're going over the law.

Or around it.

She won't budge.

I guess she's being pig-headed.

Sorry. Now what?

Don't worry, I came prepared.

Come on.
Come on, pretty girl. Yeah.

Wait. Wait, wait.

Maybe I should make some cocoa
and take it in for the girls.

You think
they're still studying?

They're not studying.

When I was in there,
they were sittin' around

talkin' about boys.

Yeah, they grow up fast.

One day, I'll turn around

and Punky will be wearing
a formal gown.

A handsome young man
in a sharp tuxedo...

And purple hair.

He will pick her up
and whisk her off

to the senior prom.

And after they've danced
till : ,

he'll have her home by : .

You're dreamin'.

I know.

That's why tomorrow
she goes into the convent.

Thanks for your help, Margaux.

Cherie and I will take it
from here.

You certainly will.

I'm gonna go home
and Roto-Rooter my sinuses.

Brandon, this is Pinky.

She's gonna be staying here
for a while.

Great! I knew
that you guys would hit it off.

- Shh!
- Shh!

Punky, is that you?

Quick, hide.

Yeah, Henry. It's me.

Cherie and I were just getting
a drink of water.

You girls want a snack?

Uh, no, thanks.
We're pigged out.

We better get her out of here

before I have
a sunken living room.

Come on. Come on, Pinky.

Punky, are you asleep?

Hiya, Brandon.
You'll wake up Punky.

You sound
as if you're getting a cold.

Tomorrow you're getting a bath.

This room smells like a pigsty.

Oh, Punky.

Would you come in here
for a moment?

Don't go away.
I'll be right with you.

Punky, now.

Would you like something
to drink?

Coffee, tea, slop?

You stole that pig, didn't you?

Would you believe
she followed me home?

No, I wouldn't.

Punky, you committed a crime.

You know it's wrong to steal.

"Steal" is such an ugly word.

Not as ugly as that pig.

She's not ugly.

Besides, can't we think of her
something other than a pig?

Like what? A senator?

No. A pet?

They don't make
litter boxes that size.

Pinky...
I mean Punky...

certain animals are raised
to provide food for the table.

Not Pinky.

Does that mean we're never
going to eat bacon anymore?

Not any bacon I know personally.

You have to look at this
in its proper perspective.

How shall I put this?

A pig... is a pig.

That pig is my friend.

Sweetheart,
I know you mean well,

but you can't save
all the pigs in the world.

I realize that.

I just wanna save Pinky.

I can't stand the thought
of her being k*lled.

Oh, honey...

we have no choice here.

We have to give Pinky back.

So you do understand

that the only reason
my daughter took your fine pig

is because she'd grown
so fond of it.

You know how children are.

I oughta call the police.

There's no reason
to involve the pigs.

Hey, that was pretty good.

I'll see you in court.

Now, for the last time,
hand over my hog.

Get Pinky, Punky.

Brandon, is Pinky
done with her shower?

The pig took a shower?

Yeah, she wouldn't fit
in the tub.

We're out of here.

Please, Mr. John,
don't k*ll Pinky.

Call me Jimmy,
and just watch me.

When you see Pinky,
you see a pork product.

When I look at Pinky,
I see a friend.

Kid needs glasses.

That's what you call apigmatism.

Well, we gotta get goin'.
What time's the next bus?

Please, Mr. Jimmy John,
I beg you.

- Please spare this pig.
- Sorry, kid.

But this little pig
is going to the market.

It's just business.

Maybe business
with other animals,

but with Pinky, it's m*rder.

Well, fortunately,
I got a good lawyer.

Henry, do something.

Punky, there's nothing I can do.

Look... if he wants to pass up
the money-making opportunity

of a lifetime,
that's his business.

Money-makin' what?

This animal is worth a lot more
to you alive than dead.

How do you figure?

Pinky could be your spokespig.

- "Spokespig?"
- "Spokespig?"

What in the name of all
that fries is a spokespig?

Morris the Cat, Smokey the Bear,
Charlie the Tuna.

Yeah, she could be
Pinky the Porker.

I can see the TV commercial now.

Jimmy John, and his pig, Pinky.

Hey, that's not bad.

I can put the pig in an outfit,
just like mine.

Hat, little tie.

sh**t, you won't be able
to tell us apart.

So you won't turn her
into bacon?

Huh, not this little gold mine.

No, sir.
This is money in the bank.

The piggy bank.

Thanks, Mr. Jimmy John.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank your great-grandpop.

Thanks, Henry.

You're the smartest man
that ever lived.

Hey, when you're right,
you're right.

Henry, be honest.

You started to like Pinky,
didn't you?

- Well...
- Come on. Admit it.

Okay.

Maybe I'll miss her a little.

Hey, here is a thought.

The kid already likes my pig.

How about
if she's not working with me,

she stays here with you?

Yeah! Yay!