04x12 - If the Shoe Fits...

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Xena: Warrior Princess". Aired: September 1995 to June 2001.*
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Xena helps people free themselves against injustices.
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04x12 - If the Shoe Fits...

Post by bunniefuu »

I hate that.

It's late.
Gabrielle?

Gabrielle?

The one morning I ask you
to wake me up for a change.

Just when I get Zantar right where
I want him, I go and oversleep.

Well, thank you very much!

Rope... Rope...

Tomorrow...
we head east, to Lumeria.

They had a big harvest this year.

So they'll be loaded
with extra cash.

- Good to have ya back, bro.
- Yeah!

Pickin' up right from
where ya left off.

Only this time I'll be smart.

No way I'm going back
to that stinkin' jail.

Oh, she's good.

Gabrielle, what's goin' on?

I woke up... I took a bath...

I know I put my shirt
on that tree.

It's just gone.

It doesn't make any sense,
unless an animal took it.

You know,
a fashionable beaver, or...

Or...

Oh, you didn't.

Gabrielle... I was in a hurry.
We ran out of rope.

You stole my favorite shirt?

It's the only shirt that goes
with this skirt, Xena.

You used it to tie up
that smelly w*rlord...

That's your excuse?

You ran out of rope?

The good news is you found
somethin' else to wear.

It's a sack!

How come you let Joxer
sleep in so late?

I was topless.

Abandon ship!
We're goin' down!

Good morning.

Hi, Gabrielle.

New outfit?
Looks good.

Shut up!

What'd I say?

Just get going.

All right.

I'm telling you,
brown is not my color.

I kinda like it.
It's got that...

rustic appeal.

Suitable for you, right?

Come on.

Now, look what you've done!

You monster!

I told you never to play with
the bottle marked "passion".

It's totally expl*sive stuff!

Aphrodite, what's going on?

Xena?

What are you doing here?

Xena!

Alesia?

Please, you have to save me
from my evil fairy godsmother.

Your evil fairy godsmother?
Who's that?

Her.

Moi?

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...


She was Xena...

a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...


...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will
change the world...


Let's hear it, Aphrodite.
What's all this about?

The little rugrat
wandered in yesterday

and said something about
her dad and her wicked stepmom.

So you know me.
I was just trying to help.

Then she became
like totally bizarro!

And now she's calling me...

My evil fairy godsmother.

That's it! As if! Dear child,
do these features look evil?

Do you mean the fairy godsmother
from the fairy tale?

This child's name is Alesia.

Princess Alesia of Cyra.

Her father and I have
been friends for years.

Alesia, how did you get here?
Did you run away from home?

Daddy got married.
I don't like my stepmother.

So I came to find
my fairy godsmother.

Well, I think your father
would be very worried.

Maybe we can take you home.
I'm sure we can work this out.

Then you'll be my fairy godsmother?

- Just for a little while.
- Great!

Get rid of her.

She obviously doesn't know
a good thing when she sees it.

Come on, Alesia.

Out of the way!

I think we oughtta take you home.

- You all right?
- Fine. Move it out, Goliath.

At your own pace.

- Did you find her?
- No, not yet.

- You're not giving up, are you?
- No.

No, I'm going back out there with all
my men to keep searching for her.

- You'll find her. I know you will.
- I pray to the gods we do.

Darling, she means everything
in the world to me.

Don't blame yourself.
It's not your fault.

It's not you she hates.

It's me.

I better go and scout ahead.

I'll do it.

Alesia...

Why'd you run away?

I hate my new stepmother.

I wanna get rid of her so things
can be the way they used to be.

I thought Aphrodite could help,

but she couldn't.

Well, maybe I can help.

Really?

Ok, but don't hurt her too bad.

That's not what I had in mind.

Listen, I was in
your shoes too, once.

I had a stepfather and
I never got to know him.

Now, I think that was
a terrible mistake.

Gabrielle, are you all right?

Fine.

What's this about a stepfather?
You never told me that.

Yes, I did. Didn't I?

No.

Well, it's not important.
I'm trying to help Alesia.

What, and I'm not?

Xena, who just climbed that tree
looking for Zantar's men?

So what did ya see?

They're right behind us.

All right, I'm gonna double back
there and take care of 'em.

Alesia, I'll be back.

Stay here with Gabrielle.

She's gonna tell you a story.

- I will?
- Yes, you will.

You're good at them.

- Ok.
- I hope it has a happy ending.

A happy ending, huh?

All right...

Once when...

Once upon a time...

there was a sweet,
very young girl...

named... Tyrella.

She was happy... even though she
lived with her wicked stepmother.

The meanest crankiest
most horrid woman alive.

Pelia!

Come here, sweetie.

Mommy! Look what
my stupid stepsister did!

She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius!

Tyrella!

Yes, dear stepmother.

There's a crease in Pelia's dress.

Aren't you forgetting something?

I swept the floor,
washed the dishes,

cleaned the attic,
weeded the garden,...

I dug you a new well...

- I've been terribly busy.
- Well, get over it.

You've neglected your
most important duty.

- What could that possibly be?
- My clippings!

Joxer!

Calm down.

But that foot!

What are you trying to do?
Scare the kid half to death?

What is it, honey?

It's only a story, Joxer.

Oh, my little pookie's slipper...

Admit it.

You miss the little monster.

As if!
What's there to miss?

The noise? The crying?
The fairy godsmother rap?

She did have potential.

Fess up, girlfriend.

You're suffering from
empty nest syndrome.

Your little boy, Cupid, is all
grown up and now you're lonely.

- She was kinda cute, wasn't she?
- No duh...

Your problem is, you didn't play
the mommy gig long enough, you know?

You mean like stories and cuddles
and that kinda stuff?

I could do that.

- You think I could do that?
- Totally.

She could be your personal mascot.
The demigoddess of puppy love.

Tubular!

I am such a visionary!

I wantcha to head for the river.
Make sure they see you.

I can see the hoofprints!

Quickly, let's get them!

They went this way.
Come on!

- Yeah.
- We'll see how tough Xena is.

Tyrella's stepmother reached out
with her long, grotesque...

Wait!

I know what happens next.

Tyrella takes the clippings
and stabs her evil stepmother.

Over and over and
over and over again.

No, no.

Tyrella deals with her problems
in a more postive way.

Mommy! My stupid stepsister's
ruined everything!

Tyrella!

- Yes, stepmother, dear.
- Can't you do anything right?

There is nothing wrong
with the dress.

You anger is misplaced.

It's a convenient way to avoid
your deeeper emotions.

The same way that your mistreatment
of me and my belongings

is your way to avoid intimacy.

You both need to get in touch
with your inner child.

You gettin' any of this?

What a riot!

And I suppose you
could do better.

Please...!

You didn't know your auntie Aphrodite
can tell stories, didn't ya?

Well, I make 'em sizzle.

Ok, here's what really happens.

Time for a breather.

But if ya can't take the heat, boys,
stay outta my kitchen.

Pelia, where are you, my vixen?

I'm here, Mother.

I'm as dry as a lizard.

Where's the hagster
to bring us some beverages?

Good question.

Tyrella!

Love the outfit, Tyrella.

Not!

Well, hello, you cuckoo,
crazy chicks.

I... have a message from
that royal hipster... The prince.

Oh, the prince...
I knew I smelled money.

Oh, that prince... I knew he couldn't
stay away from me forever.

The prince wishes to invite
all good-lookin' chicks

to his royal ball tonight.

From those,
he's gonna pick a bride.

Ya dig?

- A bride?
- Oh, a bride...

A royal party...
I'm so excited!

That chick is square, baby.

- Loser...
- Exsqueeze me?

What are you so psyched about?

Honey, the prince is lookin'
for a babe, not a heifer.

- Show her, Pelia.
- Right, Ma.

Yeah!

Stop right there!

- Ah, it was just gettin' good!
- Don't say another word.

Aphrodite, I thought you
were out of this.

I am. I am. I'm done.

You all right?

Xena!

Still mad at me?
Tell ya what.

I'll cook, you go on
with your story.

My story...

Gabrielle...

Who were all those men
at Tyrella's house?

They were swimming instructors.

Did Tyrella ever go to the party?

Well, she really wanted
to go to the party.

Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?

It's in my pack,
where it always is.

Oh, yeah...

See? Tyrella didn't have
anything really pretty to wear.

What about spoons?

It's in the saddlebag!

- Tyrella was hoping for a miracle.
- Ya got any butter and sugar?

Xena, I'll do it.

Joxer?

You wanna eat?
Work for it.

You pick up the story-telling.

Xena, give me the pan before
you hurt someone with it.

Hey, tall, dark and gruesomes...

- Who are you?
- Aphrodite. Goddess of love.

I have a proposition for you.

Not that kind of proposition.

You guys want
your brother back, right?

I can help you
if you do me a favor.

What kind of favor?

Xena's got my little girl.

You help me get her back,
I'll help you get Zantar.

You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

- Scratch...
- Stop it!

You know what I mean.

Ok. Let's see.

Ok, ok.

Well...

It was the night of the big party,
and he was very...

"He"?
Don't you mean "she"?

- How old are you?
- .

Ya wanna be ?
It was "he".

Now... He was very excited.

- And his name was...
- Tyro!

Hello, stepfather, dear,
stepbrother, dear.

Tyro, the clumsy, strikes again.

- It was an accident.
- You were the accident.

- What's the get-up?
- Oh, ya like it?

I was sewing it all day
for the royal ball tonight.

Well, if that's the case,
those pants need adjusting.

- Right, Pelio?
- Oh, you think?

I thought they might be
a little long in the crotch!

What do you say to
your stepbrother?

- Thanks, stepbrother, dear.
- Don't be an idiot, idiot.

You can't wear that.

You've got no way to get there.

No social skills to speak of.

In short, you're not going.

Maybe we shouldn't let
Joxer tell the story.

Yes, we should.

- Where's the oil?
- In the saddlebag.

It's just he's making him
sound like such a victim.

Oh, I didn't hear you volunteer.

No? Well, I'm not much
of a story-teller. I'm...

I'm more a woman of action.

Great. Take action
and get some water.

I'm gonna poach the fish.

I'm all over it.

I didn't wanna go to
a stupid party, anyway.

Tyro, the Mighty?

- Kick a man when he's down.
- I'm here to help.

Of course, if you're not interested
in going to the party then I...

Royal party?
No! I'd love to go.

Wait a minute.
Who are you?

Harmonia, fairy godsmother,
at your service.

Let's see. You're going to need
a new outfit and a ride and...

What else?

Well, let's see. I could use...

Social skills.

Trust me, you'll have many skills.

But remember... My spell
only lasts until sunup.

In other words, when the sand
runs out, so must you.

Here's some more water.

I saw Zantar's men
head down across the river.

I'm gonna go down there
and deal with them.

What do you want from me?

My skirt? My boots?

- My underwear?
- Oh, no, that would be too cruel.

What happens next, Joxer?

Well...

The royal party was in full swing.

Ah, it was a gala event.

There were rubies upon the rubies
and diamonds upon the diamonds.

What a hunk of a man...

They're playing our song.

Who's the new guy?

I don't know.
But check out his social skills...

You dance divinely.

I know.

Yeah.

Hey!

Watch this!

When I look at you
my eyes begin to bloom


My heart begins to zoom
and I'm in heaven


When I dance with you
my head sails to the moon


My feet sing out a tune
and I'm in heaven


Nobody has ever
made me feel quite like this


- My palms perspire ♪
♪ - My stomach churns


I know this must be bliss

Is yours the sweet angel face
that I've been dreaming of?


I'm in heaven

He's in heaven

When I'm with you
I'm in heaven


That... gee!

My pants!

Bye!

Wait! Wait!
My shoe!

I'll send it later!

Excuse me.

The handsome and dashing
Tyro hurried and hurried

but it was too late,

for as he looked at his hourglass,
the last grain of sand...

- Where's Alesia?
- She's...

Alesia?

Alesia!

Alesia!

Alesia!

She wandered off.

Can't say I blame her
after hearing your story.

If I wasn't tied up, I'd k*ll ya.

Shut up.

Gabrielle?

- I was cooking.
- I left you in charge.

Are you saying it's my fault
that she ran away again?

It's far too dangerous for a little
girl to be out here on her own.

I'm gonna go after her,
and you two...

Stay right here.

Alesia?

I can't believe she's
blaming me for this.

- I can.
- Hurry!

Help me. Down by the river...
These men... They att*cked me.

- Please...
- Zantar's men...

Okay. Xena wanted to stop them.
I'll do it. You stay here!

- Stay there!
- Wait a min...

I can... I can do it.

Oh, great. Well...

At least that nutty broad,
Aphrodite, isn't around.

What an airhead...
Talk about your half-wits...

She's half-baked...
and half-dressed!

- Hello, Aphro... dite.
- Outta my way, stud-muffin.

Where's my little cutesy-wootsy-poo?

My little beauty queen?

- Where is she?
- You mean Alesia?

She's gone.

Gone?
What do you mean, gone?

Lookin' for the girl?
I can get her for ya.

Really?

How do you propose to do that?

- Yeah.
- What about him?

That's easy.

Let's talk.

Alesia!

Alesia!

Alesia...

Hang on, Alesia!

Xena!

I'm coming!

Hold tight. Hold tight.
I'm coming.

I'm not far away, sweetheart.

Ok. Come on, Alesia.

Let go of it.
There you go.

All right?

I got too close to
the edge and fell.

Ok, well, hold on around my neck.

All right, I gotcha.

Now, come on.
Why did you run away?

Have you ever heard
Joxer tell a story?

Well, that's a good point, but...

All fairy tales have a purpose.

And even when Joxer tells them,
there's a message there.

Yeah. "Run".


Come on.
Let's get back to camp.

Hop up. All right!

Here we go.

Joxer?

They didn't hurt you, did they?

No, I was ambushed.
It was Aphrodite.

- Where's Zantar?
- He went off with Aphrodite.

She's disguised as an old lady.

Xena!

Where were you?

I went to look for Zantar's men.

They were b*ating up
this old woman...

Gabrielle, the old
woman was Aphrodite.

Now, how was
I supposed to know that?

Did Aphrodite say
anything to Zantar?

Yeah, yeah. She said something
about going to an old castle,

and she wants Alesia.

Come on, Alesia.

Don't feel bad.

Aphrodite almost fooled me, too.

I wanna hear the rest of the story.

All right, well let me tell you
what really happened.

Tyrella had a stepfamily,
all right,...

but no one pushed her around.

One day, Tyrella was busy
sharpening her sword when...

Xena, shouldn't Tyrella
wear a dress?

If Tyrella's a girl, isn't she
supposed to have a stepmother?

Tyrella!

What have you been
doing all morning?

Well, let's see.

I fought a w*rlord,
saved a village

and rescued a burning
wagon full of orphans.

Just as I thought,
lolly-gagging again.

Do some real work for a change.

Mother!

- The prince is coming!
- The prince?

Here?

Honestly, Tyrella,
you can't wear that.

You'll be the shame of us all.

Your Highness...

Ladies...

I'm looking to wed the woman
who fits this shoe.

- I'll try it on.
- Let me.

Please...

How about you?

Would you care to try it on?

If it fits, I can promise
you a happy ending.

Wow...

You know what, Prince?

You seem like a real nice fella,

so I'm gonna make this
nice and simple for ya.

I don't need you,
or a fairy godsmother,

or anyone else to give
me a happy ending.

That's something that
I'll get or I won't get

all my own self.

So I suggest you peddle
this shoe someplace else.

- But you could be a princess.
- Come on.

You could live in a castle...
Ouch, my royal bottom!

So...

the prince won't marry
either of you beauties.

Well, if we can't get to
his crown jewels that way...

we'll just have to...

cut and run.

Tyrella?

Tyrella?

What do you want?

Your stepmother and
stepsister are going

to rob the kingdom of
the crown's jewels.

- You have to stop them.
- Right, I'm on it.

Wait!

I am your fairy godssister.
Don't you want my help?

Yeah, could you get
rid of those dishes?

The place is a mess.

If that's how I'm most
useful to you, my pleasure.

After all we've been through,
that's what you think of me?

The fairy godssister of dishes?

Xena, that's my only use to you?

Oh, come on...
It was just a story.

I just meant we were
like family, and in a family...

You have no idea
how useful I am.

I'm out of here, that's it.
I need space!

Gabrielle...

She'll be back. She does this
all the time. Right, Joxer?

She's just crazy.

Gabrielle?

This isn't going to have
a happy ending, is it?

Well...

- Daddy!
- I'll get the ropes.

Alesia, my darling.
Are you ok?

Yes, I'm all right,
thanks to Xena.

- I have missed you so much...
- We both have.

What happened here?

Zantar and his brothers have
stolen the crown jewels.

- You may be too late.
- We'll see about that.

Thank you, Xena.
We were so worried...

- No problem.
- Now...

You and me and your stepmother are
going to try to be happy, all right?

Xena!

Wait! I wanna go with you
and be a hero like Tyrella!

Alesia, wait!

But I wanna go with Xena!

Sweetheart, you can't.

What about my happy ending?

You're going to get
a happy ending,

I promise you that.

I need to ask you to do
something for me. Would you?

- Ok.
- Go in there.

And I want you to talk.

And that's an order from
your fairy godsmother.

What are you doing?

Trust me, Your Highness.
They need to be alone.

Heavy crown jewels!

Just leave them in there a while,
a few days oughtta do it.

All right, Xena.

Whatever you say.

Aphrodite?

I know you can hear me!

Sorry!
Clumsy me!

Ok! Chill the 'tude,
Miss Thing. I'm here.

I want you to leave Alesia alone.

She came to me.

You heard what she said.
She hates her family.

All I see is this confused,
little girl.

She doesn't realize how much
she misses her family,

all these people who love her.

If you don't stop meddling,
you're going to break them up.

I just wanted a happy
ending for her.

No, you just want
your happy ending,

regardless of her.

Tell me, Miss Expert,
is that what you call love?

It's just a thought.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

What are you doing?

Well, look, Xena,
I'm sidekicking, you know?

I'm your comrade-in-arms.
Your wingman.

Look, you're the comet and I'm Ajax.

You're the Achilles
and I'm your heel.

Don't you see?
Look, with these fists of fury...

you'll have no problem
beatin' anybody. Watch!

Every muscle is tight.
Notice the action.

Oh, my mouth hurts!

Is there a problem?

I'm going after Zantar.

You stay here and make sure he doesn't
return to the scene of his crime.

Right!

I'll wait for him.

Wait a minute.
Why would he come back here?

He's already got all the dough.

Xena? Wait!

Help! Somebody!
We're locked in!

Is it really so bad to be
locked in here with me?

- I hate you.
- Really?

Well, I'm glad Xena
locked us in here.

It'll give us a chance to talk.

I'll never talk to you.

You're evil.

Your father likes me.

You put a spell on him.

I'll never like you.

What did I do?

You stole my daddy from me.

No, I didn't.

He's just as much yours
as he always was.

No, he's not. Now he's yours.

How about we make him ours?

Well...

Alesia, I know it's been hard
since your mother d*ed.

But...

I want you to know...

I really care about you.

- You do?
- Yes.

And your father's
told me all about you,

and how you like stories.

Can't we have a happy ending?

I thought every story
had a happy ending,

but now I don't know.

Because of me,
Zantar stole the crown jewels

and Gabrielle left Xena forever.

I've ruined everything.

Sidekick...

I am ten times the sidekick
Gabrielle is....

Now, Zantar...

If I ever see that big, fat, porky,
bulbous, behemoth of a hippo...

I'm gonna tell him...

what a great guy he is.

Now we have a little insurance,
in case Xena gets in our way.

Nice plan...

if I cared.

She cares.
She's just kidding.

You're not laughing.

Don't cry, my princess.

Why, I bet Tyrella would do
just what Xena would.

Leave the prince alone!

Tyrella, don't be
such a party pooper!

You'll get your share!

After all, we're family!

If we can't have you and
your money, no one can.

Pardon the dishpan hands!

It's a man!

So Tyrella arrested her stepmother
and her stepsisters.

She saved the prince and she
retrieved the family jewels...

Did she and the prince get married
and live happily ever after?

No. No, but she and her fairy
godssister did make a pact.

From now on they would help one
another be all that they could be.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Talk about your sappy stories...

Look, kid, we had
some fun, didn't we?

But this love thing...

It's just not something
I can teach you.

It's something ya gotta
learn on your own.

And this is as good a place as any,
'cause there's a lotta love here.

From your dad and your stepmom.

My stepmother...
She doesn't love me.

Oh, yes, she does.

Take it from me.
I know about these things.

Ok.

Aphrodite...
If you wanted Alesia back

how come you didn't just
put a spell on her?

If I had done that I'd never know
if she really wanted me.

So you really care about her.

Me?
Care about a mortal?

As if...

Gabrielle, why'd you come back?

It was what you said
about being a family.

I realized that every family
has their problems.

But what's important is
that we stay together.

We work it out.

- What was that for?
- No reason.

Can't a girl hug her mom?

- Bye, Your Highness.
- Thank you, Xena.

Goodbye, Xena.

So... Anyone heard
any good stories lately?

Actually, I've been working on one.

- It's a story of a wooden boy.
- Bye!

- And every time he tells a lie...
- Goodbye, Alesia.

his nose keeps
growing and growing...

until it's really long.

Or he could be a monkey
and his tail gets smaller.
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