04x17 - The Play's the Thing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Xena: Warrior Princess". Aired: September 1995 to June 2001.*
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04x17 - The Play's the Thing

Post by bunniefuu »

It's no use.

I can't get it out of my mind,
even with yoga.

Well, you can't say
that you didn't try.

And you can't say
that I didn't try.

I appreciate that.

But, Xena, it was one of
my favorite scrolls, a new one...

charting our history
through the prism of time.

- It was a more intimate...
- Examination of our relationship

and on and on.
You've been talking about it

ever since we left Paraeus.

I can't recreate the beauty...
the essence.

Then, Gabrielle, go back for it.

Gabrielle...

The prince needs my help in Arcon.
I'm gonna go ahead.

You go back to Paraeus and
catch up with me when you can.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Go on, make
us both happy.

Thank you.

- Don't mention it.
- Ok.

Well, when I say "Don't mention it."
I mean...

you can mention it.

It's just a figure of speech.
You don't have to take it literally.

It wouldn't k*ll you to maybe
to look back or something.

Aw, rats.

All right, Argo,
it's just you and me.

- Welcome! Welcome!
- It was her underwear!

You're much funnier than Euripides!

I am!

Not in your lifetime.
Thank you.

- We came through here...
- She'll never work in this town again.

We walked this way...

We said hi to the tavernkeeper...
We almost...

Joxer...

Lousy drunk!

I'm not drunk!
I just trip over things like that.

- Joxer, what are you doing?
- Hi.

Gabrielle...

Wow!
Uh, your hair...

Did that hurt?
What's that you're wearing?

Sari.

Don't apologize.
It looks good.

Joxer, I'm looking for something.
It's very important.

It's close to my heart,
and I know it's here somewhere.

You mean, like a feeling?

Did you get it often?

Like now, for example?

Yeah, because I know the scroll
is here somewhere.

Scroll...

Well, maybe you left it
in one of these theaters.

I wish I had.

Paraeus is the great Appian Way.

You know, I could spend a week
going to all these plays.

Yeah.
Yeah, I love theater myself.

Euripi... cles and Sopha... more...

- Euripides. Sophocles
- Yeah, those guys, too.

Ah... Sophocles... If I could
pick one person to be my mentor...

His writing is perfect.

Hey! What do you say, you and me
go to a Sophocles play?

I'll bring a bag 'a oats and,
you know...

- Joxer, I really have to find my...
- Masterpiece!

- Is that what you're looking for?
- My scroll...

This is it.
Thank you. Thank you.

Where did you find it?

I was sitting in
the little girls' house...

and there it was,
right beside me.

I'm sorry, I don't have
a lot of money for a reward.

Reward schmeward!

The Fates have already
rewarded me enough.

I am Zehra, a producer of plays!

This is my associate, Milo.

I'm Gabrielle.

The writer.

I'm Joxer... Her associate.
Joxer, the Mighty.

You've probably read about me
in those scrolls, didn't she?

Oh, that was you.

Very good!

I must say, in that stall,
I saw greatness.

- Really?
- Your scroll... I was...

swept away by the majesty
of your words...

The brilliance, the soul-changing
dynamic of your vision.

This work must be
seen on the stage.

And I...

I...

would be so humbled if you
would allow me to produce it...

That's very flattering. I...

I can't.

Xena needs me in Arcon. I...

Besides, my scroll is meant
to be read, not performed.

Gabrielle, I know we're just like

typical, flashy, show-biz
types to you, but...

I got into this business
because I believe in the arts.

There is so much garbage around but,
when I saw your scrolls, well...

This is substance.

Don't the people deserve to see it?

Please...

Please...

To think that people could be touched
by sum'in' left in a bathroom...

If I were to rewrite it,
for the stage...

I could show people all
the lessons I learned in India...

about peace and happiness.

- I'll do it.
- Thank you!

Thank you, Gabrielle!

There is theater in your soul.

"And the very air sang with harmony
as Xena lay down her sword."

"And Humungus, ennobled by
her gesture, lay his down as well."

Ok.

I'll get back to you right after
I send word to Xena.

Ah, yeah. Well, pretty good.

"Humungus was ennobled..."
All that.

Pretty good.

"The air sang with harmony"?

I know!

Zehra, baby, what scam
are you up to now?

Usually, I can smell the money.

But I'm not sure
what I'm smelling here.

What if I told you
we found the golden fleece

and her name is Gabrielle?

You bad girl.
What are you up to?

If the village witnesses
this garbage

they'll throw your playwright
right out of town.

Oh, dear heart, if she's lucky.

The people I'm thinking of
are liable to k*ll her.

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...


She was Xena...

a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...


...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will
change the world...


What a dump.
Where's the theater?

This is the theater, dear boy.

The Apollo is known
throughout the world.

As a dive.

Here it is.

Needs a little cleaning.

And a touch of paint... Here...

There...

There... But...

I can see it.

I knew I made the right choice.

You have an innate vision, Gabrielle.

You see through the exterior

to the ghosts
of performances past.

Ghost?
Where? Who?

All the way down here!

I'm a true believer
of the auteur theory.

You are the creator, the writer.

I cannot allow someone else
to interpret your vision.

Therefore, I want you
to also be the director.

- The director...
- Yes.

I've never done anything
like that before.

Oh, but it must be you.
There's so much to take care of

casting, set design,
rehearsals...

You'll need an assistant.

Can I? Please?

- Can I be an assistant?
- Enthusiasm is so important.

You should give him
a task that is worthy of it.

Ok, Joxer.
It's you.

Great!
Ok, ok!

We'll start by putting up
a new flap back there.

A whole aegean sunset.

Then we'll have
to tear out these walls

'cause we need
a new persineum, you know?

And... I'll meet the press.

How do you do?
How do you do?

And... I'll hafta have lunch
with an agent.

I know just the job
to start you with.

Open casting call.

"Gabrielle and Xena...
A Message of Peace"

Hey...

Do you mind?
I'm trying to...

fill out my last will
and testament.

A new play?
It sounds good.

Oh, I can't wait to see it.

Son of Zeus! I love the theater!

This place is great!
Even the warlords love the theater.

I have many skills.

I'm too fat!?

But Xena, you followed
the violent approach in the past

and what has come of it
but more v*olence?

Thank you.

Next.

I didn't realize casting Gabrielle
would be so difficult.

There's j...
It's a subtlety to the character.

I'm no...

Zehra? Zehra!

Sorry, my dear.

Your beautiful prose
already rings in my head.

So, I'm looking for
a certain physical presence.

Maybe you should take
a break from Gabrielles

and try casting a Xena.

You.

You look like Xena.
Can you act?

You were right, Gabrielle.

How could have I been so blind?

Ok.
Now, try it like Xena would.

You were right, Gabrielle.

How could have I been so blind?

She'll do.

Besides, Xena requires
more of an athlete.

Great!
Back to the Gabrielles.

Never fear!
Xena is here!

Minya?

What are you doing here?

Auditioning.

Now my dream of being Xena
can finally come true!

I'm sorry, Minya,
but the part's been cast.

What, this bag of bones?

She couldn't shoo a mule,
let alone bust heads!

I can too shoo a mule!
Shoo!

Why, you...!

Well, I see you have everything
well in hand, my dear.

I must run 'n' meet
with an inverstor.

Good luck, darling!

I was born to play this role.

As soon as I heard
you were doing this,

I knew I was what you wanted.

Minya,

how about playing a villain?

They usually have the best roles.
I can write something for you.

Well...

I could still use my
Xena dark side, couldn't I?

Do you see what I see?

Oh, my gods!

Oh, my gods, a centaur!

I understand you're
putting on a play.

My name is Dustinus Hoofmanus.
I wish to audition.

Centaurs do not do plays.

There isn't a centaur
in the entire Appian Way.

Incredible!

Yes, I am.

You're hired.

I don't care what I have to do
you'll be in the script, I promise.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way...

I do not play quadrupeds.
Make sure the role reflects that.

What?

I do not play four-legged creatures.

- But you're a centaur...
- I am an actor!

I refuse to limit myself!

Gonna make him play a villain, too?

A Sophocles play?

A brand-new Sophocles play?
It's opening opposite mine.

Yeah, everyone was talkin' about it.
Great art, huh?

It's a disaster.

Sophocles is the master
of prose, of feeling...

of plumbing the emotional depths
of human existence.

Writes good, too.

No one's gonna see my play.

Not with his opening
the same night as mine.

Hey, that's not true, Gabrielle.
I just ran into this w*rlord.

He said he was definitely coming
to see your play. Seriously.

- That's it!
- What?

Who cares who sees my play
as long as the right people see it?

This w*rlord...

He wants to hear my
message of peace.

That's who my play speaks to.

Fantastic.

It's the artist's dream.

"Art smart"...!

All I care about
is getting my money

so I can buy those
weapons my army needs.

Don't worry, Kaelus.

As a major investor
you'll get % of the profits.

Gabrielle is doing this
for next to nothing.

All the credit goes to her.

Where's my drink?

My little bowl of vipers,
let me get this right.

You sold Kaelus, the Conqueror

% interest in the play, right?

- Yes, dearest.
- But you also sold...

% to the w*rlord
Therax, the Terrible.

Doesn't quite add up.
If the play is a success...

If it was a success,
they would both want their money.

% each.

But you've read that play.
It can't possibly succeed.

- And if it's a failure...
- They won't even try to collect.

And we keep the investments.

They'll try to collect, all right,
but it won't be from us.

It'll be from...

- It had better be a success.
- Great.

Go on..

Hi, Gaby.

I like the colors you're
using on that flag.

Thank you.

It's the background vista
to Xena's redemption scene.

Listen.
I was talkin' with Zehra

and she thinks that
you might need

someone to take over
some of the more

noncreative aspects
of the show.

Publicity, promotion, ticket sales.

Artists cannot be bothered
with trifles like that.

- Right.
- Ok. Thanks, Joxer.

That's why she made
me the producer.

You?
The producer?

Of my play?

Not in this world! Not in this life!
Not on this stage!

Gabrielle... Please...

Producers have no weight
in this community.

The stage is for the artists.
We are merely functionaries.

Does this require him to spend
time outside the theater?

- Almost exclusively.
- Ok.

Good!
Must rush, darling.

Joxer...

Selling a show takes more
than hanging posters.

You really need to get inside
the minds of the people

and find out
what they want.

Hey, I'm a people.

I know what I want.

I know what I like.

Doesn't matter, anyway.
I know who my audience is.

Well, that's great.
That's perfect.

You're the creative side,
and I'm the business guy.

What are you doing?

This is the worst field
I've ever seen.

Because it's an ocean.

I want you all to know
that this is a collaboration.

That's right.

The success or failure
of this show

rides on all of us,
not one person.

Well, I'm not gonna take the blame
if she turns out to be a lousy Xena.

Wouldn't be my fault!

It'd be... the Gabrielle!
She's got all the lines.

Hey,

who did get that part?

Finding the right
Gabrielle proved to be

more difficult than I expected.

Very difficult.

I realized that only one person

can fully capture the spiritual
essence of Gabrielle.

Someone who actually
lived that truth.

Lived the truth.

- So I cast myself.
- So sh...

Couldn't see that
one coming, could we?

So remember, Xena...

Faith is not a jump in the night

but a walk in the light.

Look, it's King Whatsis,
approaching on his...

- Horse!
- Horse!

Hello, there, friends,
Gabrielle and Xena.

I seek your help.

The w*rlord, Humungus,
is behaving in a destructive way.

No doubt as a result of
his impoverished upbringing

and other societal factors
beyond his control.

Here he comes now!

I am the w*rlord Humungus.

Are you Xena?

I am.

Come, sit down.

We wish to give you...

A message of peace.

Ok.

And... curtain!

Could that have gone better?

Great work!

Great drama.
Ok, let's keep going.

Minya!

Come on, it's your big scene.

Yeah.

My big scene, where I talk
my issues out more...

It seems like all we do is talk.

You know, maybe the play
might be even better

if we just clobbered some skulls.

No, Xena doesn't do that.
Her message is of peace.

Yeah, um...

Gabrielle, the play is... great.

Maybe if we just had
a different title...

Like what?
"Springtime for warlords"?

Well, or...
"Blood, guts and babes".

"Wild men in rubber".

Or "Big boys in boxers".

- That would be great!
- You're on the right track, you know?

- "Chorus of showgirls"!
- Yeah!

Stop it.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

This is my play!

Now, I am in charge here

and I say we can make a few changes

but we will not ruin my vision.

Well, well, well, well.

Aren't you all
ashamed of yourselves?

Gabrielle put her heart
and soul into this play.

And as a producer,
I'm ashamed for all of you.

But as a producer...

I have a few little
changes to make. First...

Zehra, so good to see you.

Therax, here wants to
check on his investment.

Yeah, that's right.
And if I don't like what I see

I'm grinding my profits from
the bones of your little playwright.

Therax, sweetheart, don't worry.

The show is a guaranteed moneymaker.
I can't say it enough.

This Gabrielle,
she's an absolute genius.

I have inner peace.

I can work with amatours.

In with love, out with hate.

In with love.

Out with hate.

Well, I just gotta tell her that
that's just the way it's gotta be.

Gabrielle...

We were all talking and...
we just wanted to say that...

we're sorry.

Thank you.

And I want to apologize
for losing control.

I promise, it won't happen again.

Ok?

Well, let's start where
we left off. Scene .

Ok, first positions.
Let's go.

Paulina, when you're ready.

Xena, is that you?
I have pr...

- What happened to your costume?
- Ask my producer.

I just figured...
You know, a little eye candy...

What's the harm?
Doesn't affect the vision thing.

It's... all still the same.
So, go on.

Ok.
Let's move on to act .

It'll be the entrance of Whatsis.

I'll give the cue.

Look, it's King Whatsis on his horse.

Hello, Gabrielle and Xena.
I have battled the w*rlord Humungus.

His army destroyed
my entire battalion.

What's this?

It's... It's blood.

You have a head on your stick.

These are your changes?
Blood? Sex?

And a hot tub.

I got the guys
workin' on it in the back.

I thought to myself...
"Joxer, what is it that you like?"

And I figured,
that's what the public wants.

Artists aren't supposed to care
what the public wants.

We're not doing this for money.

- I am.
- So am I!

- Me too!
- Look...

if you don't like my message,
you can all take off.

No good playwright would have
her art reduced to garbage

for the sake of a few dinars!

I wonder what Sophocles would say.

Why don't I ask him?

Artist to artist.

I asked for blood!
You call that blood?

- And shorten those skirts!
- Sophocles?

It's her play,
and we're gonna apol...

Ok.

Hi, Gabrielle.
Listen.


We were talking and, we just
wanna tell you we think you're...

I have an announcement to make.

A message means nothing
if no one hears it.

A flower in the forest is just
a plant if no one sees it.

We're gonna need more blood.
I want more skin.

I want action.
I want weapons.

I want battlefields with beaten,
bloodied bodies.

We're gonna take this little flower

and we're gonna cram it down their
throats for their own good.

What about the critics?

It'll k*ll 'em all.

"Faster, chakram k*ll, k*ll, k*ll."

Oh, boy.

k*ll 'em all!
k*ll 'em all!

You see?

It's from the back of the throat.
It's much more guttural.

I mean, we haveto believe
the anger, the hatred for life.

Ok?
Now make that audience shiver.

k*ll...!
k*ll 'em all!

Yeah, they'll shiver, all right.
With laughter.

Like you could do better...

- You bet I could.
- Well, you can't...

'cause I got the part.

That's good.
Sell it to the back row!

Gabrielle, dear.

I see you've made some changes.

I hope this won't get
in the way of your vision.

No. The vision's fine. Look, we're gonna
need a bit more in the way of cash.

More? But, darling, we were
very specific about the budget.

- The investors...
- If the investors want a hit...

they can cough up the cash.
You tell them.

And if they don't, I announce
bankruptcy and we close the doors,

but I am not going to take this
bird out until she can fly.

- Well, I'll see what I can do.
- Good.

Ok.
Can you lift her up? Lift her up.

But, sweet of my tooth,
if she increases the budget...

- She reduces our profit. I know.
- We could just let her shut down.

I mean, this travesty
of a mockery of

a play comes to an end
and we're home.

And what, my little addlebrain?

The investors would come at us,
the money people.

No. No, no.
We have to come up with something...

before Gabrielle turns us
into a legitimate enterprise.

We could ask the warlords
for more money.

I'm already pushing the limit
on their percentages as it is.

Well, the w*rlord Cleon is in town.

Cleon? Are you kidding?
Cleon fund a play about Xena?

He hates Xena.

She defeated him twice,
humilitated him in battle.

But with the right sales pitch...

I get chills when that
delicious brain of yours clicks.

May I kiss you?

- Stop it.
- Sorry.

Put the hot tub, center stage.

I want the audience to get an eyeful.

Paulina, Paulina, no, no.
You need to grin wildly.

Like you can't wait
to hack him into pieces...

before you chop his head off.

"This is for you, Humungus,
you vile bastard!"

Do you get it?

What am I doing?

All this sex, blood, v*olence...

Have I gone crazy?

Gabrielle...

We just sold out the first night!

Crazy like a fox!

I want more blood!
Let's make it gushing!

How'd you get Gabrielle to spill
all of Xena's weaknesses?

Simple. By having her write and
direct a play about her friend.

And she told everything, right, Milo?

Everything.

If anyone could get to Xena,

it would be that
little friend of hers.

- I'm in.
- Perfect!

♪ Listen now and you will hear ♪

♪ The action-packed tale of Xena ♪

♪ Xena, Xena ♪

♪ Xena, Warrior Princess ♪

- I'm really wet!
- Me too!

Xena!

I've been searching
for you high and low!

Please help rid my kingdom
of that scourge...

Humungus.

Xena, it's the w*rlord Humungus!
Help me!

Inspirational...

Please, say it again.
How much do we stand to make?

What can I say?
A lot!

I saw the play.

I can explain.
You know what they say.

A bad dress rehearsal...
Great opening night.

I loved it.

You did?

Oh... The power...
The passion... The danger...

The blood...
The kick-butt feel!

This show is gonna run for years.

He... actually liked it?

- This is not good.
- If the play's a success, we're...

Don't say the "Delta" word.

The other w*rlord, Therax.

What could have happened?

That Joxer...

He was right on the money.

We have to get Gabrielle
back to that boring,

pretentious, heavy-handed
material we fell in love with.

- Yes.
- Now, girls!

- Darlings! Congratulations!
- Congratulations.

Your play is already
the talk of the town.

I ran into one of the investors,
the warlor Kaelus, the Conqueror.

He snuck into rehearsal and
what he saw just blew him away.

I have never seen anyone
so galvanized as he was.

Galvanized.

He said he wanted his entire army
to see the play.

How many in his army? We got
a matinee that hasn't sold out yet.

Apparently, he's planning on invading
a neighboring country and, well...

your play is certain
to fire up his army!

- Goodbye, darlings!
- Goodbye, darlings!

See you opening night!

- Oh, my gods.
- What?

What have I done?

Well, apparently, you've created
a great motivational play.

For warlords.

I sold out, Joxer.

I can't believe it.
I sold out.

Look, we are going back
to my original vision.

I don't care how much
money we lose.

It's going to be peace, love,
and changing the world.

- "A message of peace".
- Yep.

Great.
No pretensions, no ego.

- Nope.
- Gotta hurry!

- People should arrive soon.
- Right.

Gabrielle...

Criticus, from Borias,
is in the audience right now.

Don't worry. He's gonna love it.
Your vision's great.

Thank you.

Welcome to the premiere performance

of "Gabrielle and Xena...
A message of peace".

If you're looking for
titillation, blood, v*olence...

you've come to the wrong place.

What's she up to?

Behold the love, the peace...

and be changed.

Xena, fearless, noble,

a mighty princess forged
in the heat of battle.

How many lives have been
saved by your warrior heart

once you learned to empty it?

- Joxer, what's up, bubba?
- Danger, v*olence, blood.

No, that was the good version.

Don't do that antisocial way!

King Whatsis, take us to Humungus.

We will bring him...

- A message of peace.
- A message of peace.

Joxer, we're in
the middle of a scene.

Bad guy!

No one takes my money
and gets away with it!

- You're coming with me!
- Humungus... Cleon...

That's right, Cleon.

If I can't get the secrets
of defeating Xena...

at least I'll get her little friend.

Xena!

Oh, go away.
You're not even a good actress.

Now that was a little uncalled for.

Xena?

Xena?

- Xena?
- Xena?

What are you doing here?

Gabrielle, I knew there'd be
trouble when I saw the playbill.

It listed Zehra as the contact.
She's the queen of cons.

The queen of cons?

- What have you done to my play?
- Your play?

I put up the money!

Where's the blood?
The death?

Where's all the fun?

Get them!

- Come on!
- No time to talk.

It's time to act.

Somebody stop them!

Interactive theater!
Everybody join in!

Oooh, a centaur!

Time to give the crowd
what they want!

Hey, pee-wee.

The play's not bad.
I just don't buy that Xena.

There's the opening of "Buffus,
the Bacchae Slayer" across the street.

Here's your money.

At least what Zehra and
Milo didn't spend.

You can keep it...

or, in the spirit of the play,
you could donate it to an orphanage.

It's your call.

Orphanage.

Excellent choice.

As for you, Zehra...

Xena...

I've seen the error of my ways.

Starting now I'm gonna
find a legitimate career

that best suits
my natural abilities.

Dustinus!

I've been watching you and
I am impressed, darling.

Have you ever considered
changing representation?

I'm opening a new agency.

Very well.

But what I really
want to do is direct.

Ah, it was stupid...

To think that people would want
to hear about peace and love...

instead of sex and v*olence.

Well, peace might be boring,
but it's all anybody really wants.

Yeah. No one wants
to be preached to.

They have to experience things
for themselves.

Still, if I could have
touched one person...

Gabrielle!
I wanted to thank you!

I never would have met
Paulina if it wasn't for you!

In fact, the two of you
made me realize something

deep down about myself
that I guess I always knew...

but just didn't dare admit.

Yes...

I'm a thespian.

Congratulations.

You managed to touch someone.

That's not exactly
what I had in mind.

I wanted to change violent people
into people of peace, not actors.

That is what she said, right?
Deep down she's a thespian...

Yeah, that's what she said, yeah.
Why? What'd you think?

Thespian...
Doesn't it sound like...?

Hello!

You guys?

Hey!

I'm the producer!

Anybody?

Hello!

I'm gonna tell my brother!

Mommy!
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