"X" marks the spot, boys.
The treasure should be
under these pillars.
Where are you, my golden one?
At long last…
…the quest is finally over.
The lyre's mine.
-Yeah, boss.
-Correction.
Since you found it
on amazon territory…
…I'd say it belongs to us.
Here.
Psych!
No! No, no, no!
Look, look…
I'll tell you what…
If you want the lyre so badly,
you can pry it…
…from my dead fingers.
With pleasure.
Well, kids…
If you can't play nicely with your toy,
I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Xena…
What's the lyre doing here?
There's more than one of them.
They're hidden all over the world.
It's Terpsichore's way
of spreading music.
-Hi, Gabrielle.
-Draco…
What's wrong with him?
-Baby Bliss put a spell on him.
-Creepy.
How can you say
it's a spell…
…when I would gladly tear out my own spleen
and carve your initials on the side of it…
…just to prove
my undying love for you?
I'm flattered.
Check it out, sisters.
"Draco, the lionhearted" is really
"Draco, the dandelion".
You want a w*r, amazon?
You've got one.
w*r!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'.
Uh-huh, yeah.
w*r!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'.
Listen to me now.
w*r is a thing that I despise…
…'cause it means destruction
of innocent lives.
w*r means tears
in thousands of mothers' eyes…
…when their young go out to fight
and lose their lives.
w*r!
Good God! Y'all…
What is good for?
Absolutely nothin'.
Say it again, yeah.
w*r!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'.
w*r!
It ain't nothin' but a heartbreaker.
w*r!
Free only to the undertaker.
w*r is the enemy
of all mankind.
The thought of w*r
just blows my mind.
w*r handed down
from generation to generation.
Induction and destruction.
Who wants to die?
w*r!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'.
Say it again, yeah.
w*r!
What is it good for?
Nothin'!
Say it again!
w*r!
What is it good for?
Nothin'!
Say it again!
w*r!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
Ok.
Since we're not gonna battle it out…
…how are we gonna decide
who gets the lyre?
Oh, there's gonna be a battle, all right?
Battle of the bands.
In the time of ancient gods,…
…warlords…
…and kings…
…a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess…
…forged in the heat of battle.
The power…
The passion…
The danger…
Her courage will change the world.
All right, listen up.
Playing music's the way…
…for a muse to inspire…
…and the best-sounding band…
…will win Terpsichore's lyre.
If the people don't mind…
…there's a contest for peace…
…and we'll do it right here…
In Melodia…
Music capital of Greece!
-Hi, Vargus!
-Hi, Spiro!
What's the hurry?
Why the scurry?
Where's the fire?
Why the lyre?
Did you hear?
There's a concert in town!
-Hi, Cory!
-Hi, Sarah!
News I'm bringing.
Time for singing.
Can you hum?
Get your drum.
Oh, my gosh,
there's a concert in town!
-Is there really a jam?
-Yeah!
-Can we participate?
-Sure!
-Should we go there right now?
-Why not?
-Or is it too late?
-No!
Yeah, there's really a jam
for you and the rest.
So take your sitars
and give it your best.
Hello, farmer Paxon.
I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?
-Is there really a jam?
-Yes, there is.
-I've got talent to spare.
-That's why I asked.
-Just take over my stand…
-But I thought…
…and get out of my hair!
-Bang, bang!
-You know it!
-Bang, bang!
-Swing, swing!
-Bang, bang!
-You know it!
Here's your note in your key.
-That's too high.
-Not for me.
Hello, miss Leandra.
I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?
Got no talent.
I got money.
I just need to bribe that judge.
-Oh, they think they're so cool.
-We've got talent.
-Playing music's a gag.
-We've got music.
-When you get onstage…
-We got singing.
…they'll fall down on them.
Hello, kind barbarians.
I am Alabartus.
Please,
just let me sing with you.
-But you've got it all wrong.
-Gettin' ready!
-There's no talent to find.
-Gettin' ready!
-If this concert's too big…
-Gettin' ready!
-…I'll go out of my mind!
-When you gotta sing…
…really gotta sing!
When the music plays
then my hips will sway.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
-Is there really a jam?
-Whoa, man!
-Can I participate?
-Whoa, man!
-Should I go there right now?
-Whoa, man!
Or is it too late?
-Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!
-Rock!
-Let's rock!
-Gettin' ready! Ready to rock!
-Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!
-Rock!
-Let's rock!
-Gettin' ready! Ready to rock!
Yes, there's really a jam
for you and the rest.
So, put down your sitars
and give it your best.
Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!
Gettin' ready!
Ready to…
Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!
So I'm figuring
this'll be a great place for a stage.
Xena!
The word is out.
The bands are coming from everywhere.
I guess the contest
is gonna be bigger than we thought.
-Yeah.
-Well…
Everybody deserves a chance.
Gabrielle, why don't you just audition
each band as it comes in…
…and make a first cut?
Good girl.
Joxer, get together some villagers.
See if you can build a stage.
I'm figuring here.
Ok.
-Yeah!
-Xena!
Mom!
So it's true!
And when were you going to tell me?
Amphipolis was
my very next stop.
Well, you look positively radiant!
When are we gonna meet your…
special someone?
If you mean the father,
the answer's "never".
He's not in my life.
But Xena, every child
needs a father!
You raised me on your own.
I attest that would have been much easier
with help.
I have help, Mom.
You have now.
-The place is rocking!
-Yeah!
Gabrielle, sign them up.
k*ll me, please.
Aw, come on…
They can't all be…
-…mediocre.
-No, they all suck.
Sadly everyone in the music capital
of Greece is tone deaf.
Maybe not everyone.
Come on.
Everyone!
Why don't you all throw up your hands
and feel my rhythm?
Another one?
That's my brother, Jace.
We get it on 'most every night.
And when that moon
gets big and bright…
…it's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody here is out of sight.
They don't bark and they don't bite.
They keep it loose.
They keep it light.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight!
Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight…
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
We like our fun but never fight.
You can't dance and stay uptight.
It's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight!
Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight…
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
-Bella!
-Come on!
Bella, mi amigo, bella!
You think that was something?
This is how we dance
before breakfast where I come from.
Repeat after me!
Ole, ole!
Dancing in the moonlight!
Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight…
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
Dancing in the moonlight!
Everybody feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight…
Everybody's dancing… bailando!
Yeah!
You fall off the circus wagon,
boy?
We don't like your kind around here,
freak.
Draco!
-Let's take him.
-But Gabrielle…
I am just trying to keep you
from being infected by this…
…lily-livered panty-twist.
You harm so much
as a hair on Jace's head…
…I'll scalp you.
Good luck in the contest.
Need a hand, k*ller?
Where?
Me? Yeah…
I am a k*ller.
In fact I can k*ll a person
with a cold stare.
But, you know, inside I'm…
…delicate as a daisy.
I'm, I'm…
…inside.
Don't try so hard, Joxer.
Didn't anyone ever tell you the quickest way
to win a woman's heart…
…is by making her laugh?
Well, in that case,
I'm the sexiest man in the world.
There you are!
Joxer!
Damn.
Who's that guy?
Why don't you wait here?
I'll be back in a moment.
You crazy fellow. You…
Give your big brother a hug.
No, Jace.
No!
-Play the game…
-No.
-Play the game!
-No, Jace. Not now.
Where is he?
I don't see my little brother!
Where is he?
There he is!
Where have you been?
I was starting to think
I was an only child.
Look, Jace… I'm a grown-up now.
I'm not your little baby brother.
And… I'm a warrior
with a reputation to protect.
I follow my sword.
I follow the music,
wherever it takes me.
I thought you'd be happy
it took me to you.
Yeah, made my day.
Now quit talkin' like that.
-Like what?
-Like…
I don't know. That stupid accent of yours,
like you're from Spain or somethin'.
You're from Olympic Street in Athens…
…two blocks from Akhmar, the meatman,
just like me.
Well, not just like you.
I don't have a pasta strainer
for a shirt.
Just stay away from me…
…Bro.
My own brother…
…insulting me. Can you believe it?
As a matter of fact, I can.
Joxer likes to think
that he knows who he is…
…but all he really knows
is who he wants to be.
That's right.
And who would not want to be just like me?
Xena!
Meet Phillipis.
He's a healer.
Tell Xena about
all the exciting things…
…you've been doing
with leeches.
Well, that's great, because I could sure
use a doctor about now.
Could you give me and Mom
just a moment?
Thanks.
All right, I'm telling you for the last time
politely.
I do not need help
finding a man.
No? But finding the right man!
Now that's a different story.
I'm beginning to remember
why I left home so young.
Joxer…
What?
What is your problem?
Why were you so rude to your brother?
Look, Gabrielle, you don't understand.
Things are different.
We're not kids anymore.
I'm a warrior now,
and Jace is still…
…Jace.
So you're telling me that you're
so heartless towards him because he's…
Different?
Different.
And he is…
Yes?
He's wasting his life.
He is… wasting his life.
That's it.
-I am a warrior, and he is…
-Your brother?
No matter what else he is,
he will always be that.
Hey, Joxer.
My band's rehearsing our moves.
You wanna watch, handsome?
Do birds fly?
Do bees buzz?
Do I take a bath once a month
whether I need it or not?
You bet.
Hold that.
Let's go.
You're not on the back burner now.
You're smokin'.
Xena, right?
-Who wants to know?
-I saw your ad.
"Single greek female
seeks marriage with stable provider…"
"…to raise a child and to dote on
an exceptionally wonderful mother…"
"…who doesn't look a day over twenty."
Gee, I wonder
who wrote that.
It wasn't you?
No, I am not in the market
for a husband.
Yeah. Sure.
I understand.
How about
a little casual sex?
, , , ,
and step and kick and twist and punch.
No, ladies!
It's step, kick, twist, punch.
Not step, kick, punch, twist.
Again, slowly.
Step, kick, twist,…
…punch.
Why do I care?
It is Joxer.
Ain't love grand?
Draco, I'm busy.
I've come to talk to you
about our future.
Now I'm a changed man.
My w*rlord days
are well behind me…
…and when I win that lyre,
I will prove it to you in song.
-I'm the reason you want…?
-…The lyre?
Of course it is!
When I win
that melodious instrument…
…I will serenade you
for all eternity.
That's very sweet…
…in a completely deranged,
obsessed kind of way.
Draco, you do not love me.
You're under a spell.
Call it what you will, my love.
…Just as long as you marry me.
We could have a wedding in spring…
…and a honeymoon in Crete.
The answer is "no".
Your lips say "no",
but your eyes scream "yes".
Don't make me say it
in a way you won't like.
I will never give up on us,
Gabrielle.
You may kiss me.
Don't even think about it.
Let me get this
through your thick skull.
I would not marry you if you were
the last man on Earth.
She wants me.
I walk along
these city streets…
…you used
to walk along with me.
And every step I take…
…recalls
how much in love we used to be.
Oh, how can I forget you?
When there is always something there
to remind me!
Always something there
to remind me!
I was born to love you…
…and I will never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.
When shadows fall,
I pass a small cafe…
…where we would dance at night.
And I can't help recalling…
…how it felt to kiss
and hold you tight.
Oh, how can I forget you?
When there is always something there
to remind me!
Always something there
to remind me!
I was born to love you…
…and I will never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.
Gabrielle!
If you should find
you miss…
…the sweet and tender love
we used to share,…
…just come back to the places
where we used to go.
And I'll be there.
Oh, how can I forget you?
When there is always something there
to remind me!
When there is always something there
to remind me!
Always something there
to remind me!
When there is always something there
to remind me!
Always!
Something!
Always!
Something!
If I can't have you, Gabrielle,…
…no one will!
Yes, that's the groove, right there.
I like this groove.
Yes, this does it for me.
Oh, very much, very good.
Yes, I like this one…
…a lot.
Turn around, that's it…
Back, back, step, step.
-What are you smiling at?
-Your brother.
Oh, oh, yeah.
I'm really sorry about that.
I'm so sexy!
What are you apologizing for?
Look at him. He's amazing!
He's so uninhibited…
Now that is a true sign
of a secure man.
Oh, oh… Yeah, yeah.
I'm just sorry he's not dancing more.
You know…
So… Think you could get him
to teach me some of those moves?
Oh, yeah.
Anything for you.
You know…
Uninhibitedness runs in my family.
Joxer…
Yeah?
You're trying too hard
again.
Right.
I'll go… get Jace.
Come on, girls.
-Hi.
-Xena…
I…
-I wanna ask you something.
-Well, make it snappy.
I've got a lot of single greek losers
to turn down.
What do you think about Amoria…
for Joxer?
Works for me.
Are you crazy?
Why did you ask me
if you already have an answer?
Because she's so wrong for him.
He should be with someone
that's like…
…like…
You?
Come on, Xena.
Well… Hey, if you're not gonna
take him…
…it's not fair of you to stop
someone else from trying.
Jace?
How are you, bro?
Listen.
I know what you thinking.
I've been acting crummy
to you…
…and I probably shouldn't 'a said
what I said.
-Really?
-Look…
You're a grown man.
You wanna…
…dress like a clown and…
…act like a spaz,
that is none of my business.
Joxer…
-Back in the old country…
-Jace…
You're not from the old country…
…and you're not from Spain…
…and I doubt very much
if you've ever even had a plate of Paella.
I am… your older brother
by half an hour.
And I see that is going to make
all the difference in the world.
I accept your apology…
…because I know
it is as good as I'm ever gonna get from you.
Because you obviously
don't know any better.
Adios.
All right, come on.
The concert's starting soon.
Xena, right?
She left town.
Just missed her.
Before you say no, hear me out.
I may not look like much,
but… in a few years…
…when my face clears up…
…I'll grow up to be the kind of man
your child will be proud to call Dad.
You know what, kid…
That is the nicest offer
I've had all day.
You shouldn't be in so much of a hurry
to grow up.
Mother…
I'm going to k*ll you.
All I want is
for you to have a family, Xena.
I have a family.
I've got Gabrielle.
I've got Joxer.
And as much as it pains me to say it…
I've got you.
This child's life
will be filled with more than enough love.
Still it doesn't replace a father.
For crying out loud,
what century are you living in?
There was a time…
…when they used to say…
…that behind every great man…
…there had to be a great woman.
But in these times of change,
you know,…
…it's no longer true.
So we're comin' out of the kitchen…
…'cause there's somethin'
we forgot to say to you, yeah.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
(Girl, isn't that true?)
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
This is a song…
…to celebrate…
Yeah!
…the conscious liberation…
…of the female state.
I'm talkin' 'bout a state of mind.
Mothers and daughters…
…and their daughters too.
Woman to woman…
…we're singin' with you.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
We ain't makin' stories…
…and we ain't layin' plans.
'Cause a man still loves a woman…
…and a woman still loves a man.
That's right.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
(Oh, ringin' on my bells.)
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.
Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
I love it! I love it!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
You've always danced to the b*at
of your own drum, Xena.
I suppose it would be foolish of me
to stop you now.
Thanks, Mom.
Now, who did you say
the father was?
Everything ok, boss?
Does everything look ok?
The woman I love…
My sweet, beautiful Gabrielle
has spurned my advances.
No! No.
Not spurned.
She ha…
She hates me!
Hey… Don't let it getcha down.
I mean…
There's plenty other chicks in the sea.
Gabrielle is not a chick.
Her and I are soulmates.
And as long as she's alive…
…I will never be able
to love again.
But what about the concert?
I mean…
Me and the boys are really lookin' forward
to rockin' down.
We'll perform, all right.
In fact…
…we're gonna slay 'em.
Let's go, for cryin' out loud!
Get on with the show!
We still need you
to perform.
Can you please just warm up
in the dressing room?
No, you need…
You need to put on your costume.
Just go to the left.
It's on a rack.
Could we please clear this area?
What's going on?
Come on, the crowd's going wild.
Xena, nobody
wants to be the first band.
All right…
You go out there and stall.
I'll deal with the bands.
All right! Come here!
The concert's about to start.
All right.
I need to make an announcement.
There's some bad slouvaki going around…
…so stay away from the slouvaki.
Hey, hey!
It's not that bad.
Gabrielle!
All right!
Draco. You're on.
This is your last chance,
Gabrielle.
-Marry me, my love.
-Draco, no!
Have it your own way.
But you're part
of the act now…
…and for our grand finale…
…you get to die.
Yeah, as if it's gonna start you know?
I mean…
Right now it's time to…!
Right now it's time to…!
Right now it's time to…
…check out the jams,
brothers and sisters!
Come on!
I gotta kick 'em out!
Well, I'm feelin' pretty good
and I guess that I could…
…get crazy now, baby.
'Cause we all gotta do
what the dressing room make.
I know how you want it, girl.
Hot, quick, and tight.
The girl gets hotter
when you're doin' it right.
So let me up on the stand.
Let me kick out the jams!
Yeah! Kick out the jams!
I gotta kick 'em out!
I'm trying to touch you.
You know, my jet's on fire.
Well, I feel you! Yeah!
From the sounds of the fire
that resounds in the sky.
When I touch you now, baby.
You can't do without.
When you got that feelin'
you got to sock 'em out.
So put the mike in my hands!
Let me kick out the jams!
Yeah! Kick out the jams!
I gotta kick 'em out!
Help me!
I need something *heavy! (*heavy metal)
Anything, please!
-How 'bout a *rock? (*rock)
-Rock? Yeah!
-Can rock!
-Here!
-Come on!
-Rock him with this!
Goodbye, my love.
Get her!
Gabrielle!
Wait for me, my love!
Xena!
-Xe…
-Come back!
Time to die, Gabrielle.
Show's over, loverboy.
The name's Draco!
Give me my props!
'Cause I'm the gee when the music stops!
I'm the baddest momma
jammer this side of Thrace.
Your expression's gonna change
when I'm in your face.
No, I'm the baddest rapper
there is,…
…and you're the saddest there is,
and that's the way it is.
You're just a copycat.
That's where your head is at.
You chase the rhythm
from a place you was never at.
Ain't nobody told you
that *payback's a mother? (*playback)
Heads up, my brother,
'cause here comes another.
It's time to face the funk blastin' atcha!
You better give it up
'cause you ain't gonna match my rhyme!
Just like old times…
…when you be trippin' in your own stuff
didn't know what.
I'm the number one w*rlord,
king of the Horde!
And I'm out to collect my reward!
Let's get it on,
'cause I'm gettin' bored.
There now.
That's so much better.
I just love a man in uniform.
You all right?
Yeah… Oh…
What do you think?
Joxer, she's a rocker chick.
What d'you expect?
I have to admit, I…
…thought it was kind of strange
seeing you with her.
It's only 'cause I'm so used to your…
You know. Being around me and…
that kind of thing.
Like a puppy-dog.
That's not what I meant.
Gabrielle, you are sort of used to having me
around when you need me.
I know I take advantage of you, Joxer,
but I care about you.
You mean a lot to me.
Ok.
-So, what are you doing tonight?
-Not a chance in Tartarus.
Right, because I have lots to do,
as it gets later.
Oh, good.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Xena, come quick!
The crowd's going wild!
They want an encore!
I'd love to, but I'm fresh out
of asses to kick!
But you just won
Terpsichore's lyre!
But if you don't want it,
I'll put it in my living room…
Maybe next to the bed,
or something.
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Now, Terpsichore wanted this lyre
to spread music…
…so I don't think that it's fair
that only one person should own it.
And that's why I'm leaving it here…
…in the musical capital of Greece.
Because Melodia…
You rock!
All the world over so easy to see…
…people everywhere
just wanna be free.
Listen, please listen,
that's the way it should be.
Deep in the valley,
people got to be free!
Oh, yeah!
Mi amigo!
-Listen to me.
-Oh, yeah!
You should see…
…what a lovely, lovely world this would be…
…if everyone learned
to live together.
Seems to me…
…such an easy, easy thing it should be.
Why can't you and me learn
to love one another?
All the world over so easy to see…
…people everywhere
just wanna be free.
Can't understand?
It's so simple to me.
People everywhere
just got to be free.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
If there's a man…
…who is down and needs a helping hand…
…all it takes is you to understand
and to pull him through.
It seems to me…
…we gotta solve it individually…
I'll do unto you
what you do to me.
You're a very good singer,
but you can't be in my show.
Shout it from the mountains
all out to the sea.
No two ways about it,
people have to be free.
Ask me my opinion,
my opinion will be…
…natural situation for a man
to be free.
Oh, yeah!
-Get right on board.
-Oh, yeah!
What a feeling's just come over me.
Love can move a mountain,
make a blind man see.
Everybody, sing it now, come on.
Deep in the valley,
we ought to be free!
Shout it from the mountains
all out to the sea.
No two ways about it,
people have to be free.
Ask me my opinion,
my opinion will be…
…natural situation for a man
to be free.
Oh, yeah!
-Get right on board.
-Oh, yeah!
What a feeling's just come over me.
Love can move a mountain,
make a blind man see.
Everybody, sing it now, come on.
Deep in the valley,
we ought to be free!