Come on, Eve.
Come on, it's all right.
Who's your favorite auntie?
Gaby!
Xena'll be back any minute.
I promise.
She's just grabbing a quick bath.
Come on, hush.
I'll give you a dinar.
I'll give you five dinars!
Oh, please.
All right, sweetheart.
Momma's here.
Xena, I can't figure out
what's wrong with her.
All babies cry, Gabrielle.
It's just a fact of life, huh?
-I'm her mother.
-You're a natural.
I thought I was,
but I lost my touch.
Nah, you're great
with kids.
Xena, I don't have the patience
to even raise my own.
You rise to every occasion,
Gabrielle.
I don't think motherhood's gonna be
any different.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
Speaking of…
Come and get it!
-Quiet.
-What?
It's not sleeping, is it?
Here's the grub for the spud.
-What's this?
-You asked for baby food.
Babyback ribs
are not baby food, Joxer.
Eve doesn't have teeth.
How is she supposed to tear
meat from the bone?
What, she doesn't have hands?
You, me. Town, now.
Fine. Hey, you don't mind
if I have some of those, do you?
You can spare some ribs, get it?
Watch that tree.
Ok, I'm coming.
I know.
He'll grow on you.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
She loves me.
She loves me not.
Well… If it isn't
the ever-titillating Aphrodite…
I almost didn't recognize you
with your legs so close together.
Discord…
Are you still looking for someone
to shave your back?
You've crossed the line
for the last time.
That pirate you turned
into a lovesick idiot…
I had big plans for him!
All I did was give him
a slight attitude adjustment.
-How? By cutting off his…?
-All right.
It's time someone washed
your mouth out with soap.
You're dead, Bimbolina!
Love !
What's going on?
Give me two guesses.
Aphrodite?
Got a problem?
Nothin' a bucket of disinfectant
can't fix.
Eat me, hosebag!
Gabrielle!
Are you ok?
Where am I?
-You took a nasty spill.
-I don't remember…
…anything.
Not… Not this place.
Not… Not you, not…
My legs!
My legs!
What happened to my legs?
Just… You know.
Fins when you're in the water,
legs when you're out.
You don't remember anything, do you?
-No.
-Total amnesia… That's perfect…
…ly awful.
The kids and I
were worried sick.
-What kids?
-Our kids!
In the time of ancient gods,…
…warlords…
…and kings…
…a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess…
…forged in the heat of battle.
The power…
The passion…
The danger…
Her courage will change the world.
That was so weird…
Wake up, my little cuttlefish!
Time to take your medicine.
Hey, there's no need for that.
Nothing I haven't seen before.
Here you are. Drink it up.
-What is this?
-Oh, that?
That's just something the
doc said'll help you get
back on your feet a
little faster, you know?
-You…
-Drink it down.
Down the hatch.
That's it.
That's a good girl.
No offense, but, who are you?
Me?
I'm your husband… Hagar.
-You are my husband?
-Oh, yes.
I don't have a wedding ring.
You…
You must 'a lost it in the pools.
We'll getcha another one.
Nothing is too good
for the mother of my sprats.
Please, tell me
these kids are adopted.
No.
We had 'em the old-fashioned way.
We earned 'em.
Dad! Row's doing it again!
Keep the bed warm.
I'll be back.
Row! I told you,
keep your tentacles to yourself!
Maybe amnesia's not a bad thing
after all.
Get out of the way, you blowfish.
Nice tail.
Oh, yes.
Now, that's what I call
a lungfish.
This place is a sty.
Not for long!
'Cause now that you're
feeling better…
…you can start cleaning again.
Did we have a happy marriage?
Happy as clams.
Aren't there children…
somewhere around here?
-Kids…
-I want down now.
Kids!
Your mother has told you a hundred times
not to play games in the living room!
Now, let her down.
-Some kids…
-Yes, aren't they?
In case you don't remember, in
descending order, that's Flipper.
Look, Mom! No hands!
Quite the… wiseacher.
Next to him is the curious one, Urchin.
What's a "sphincter"?
And who could forget
little baby Row?
Be back in a moment,
my little sea mollusk.
Momma?
Yeah.
Get this slime bag off!
Hello.
Did you get it?
I only had enough for one drink.
Stinger stingerray.
The ultimate mind-erasuh,
just like you asked.
-Great.
-You know, I'd never let you down.
Hey, I paid for it.
'Course, with me, you'd never have to.
I know you must be lonely
since Crustacea walked out on you, so…
Walked out on me?
Walked out on me?
That's a hot one!
No, no.
No, she's at the spa, vacationing.
-Too bad she's…
-…Back!
Get this tentacle off of me!
But that's impossible!
Girls… you know how the Council
is about family values.
If I'm gonna win that re-election, I'm gonna
need a mother… for my children.
Even if she's not the original.
Get me?
Oh, so you picked up some look-alike
to play the part…
Yes. Yes.
She has amnesia, so now she thinks
she's Crustacea.
And ya need this to keep her
in character, huh?
That's right.
Please…
I'll do… anything.
Thanks.
You can show yourselves out.
Momma! Momma!
Come in!
Wow! You look just like her!
Like who?
Just like ya did
before the accident.
We thought there'd be more scar tissue.
Who are you?
Only your best friends
in the whole world!
Ah… I should've known that, I'm sure.
I have amnesia.
So that explains the new look.
It's so not you.
And it explains
why you weren't there today.
Where?
-What is this place?
-It's the club.
Anyone who's anyone
belongs to the club.
Mermaids or not.
All right, ladies!
Let's get those fins in gear!
It's time to… aquacise!
All right!
Everyone in the pool!
That's good! That's right!
Now! Swim toward me.
Everybody, come in together.
Come in together.
So, Crustacea, have things
gotten any better? You know…
At home.
What things?
Oh, that's right, the amnesia.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
All right. Now, come in together.
Smoothly, though, smoothly.
Come in together.
That's it.
Smoothly, forming the orb.
Oh… Beautiful orb.
Right.
-What's wrong at home?
-Well, according to you, everything.
The kids are impossible.
Yeah. Flipper's a smart-mouthed brat.
And Urchin's
a budding pervert.
And Baby Row… Well,
no one knows exactly what baby Row is.
He's not really a pervert.
Did I say all that?
You think we'd make it up?
I guess not.
I'm tellin' ya, girl, you've been ready
to jump ship for months.
Not that we blame you,
especially since you told us Hagar…
…wants a dozen more, just like 'em.
He does?
We'll help you pack.
If the kids are that bad, I can't…
I mean, I can't leave them.
I have to raise them to be better, right?
I'll stay.
Now, holding,
and let the flower bloom.
That's it.
And so, wise members of council,…
…if elected president,
I promise that I will not rest…
…until I have established schools
for our little fishes…
…everywhere!
Thank you.
So, I heard your wife's back
from vacation.
Hope she's happy
to be home.
You know how important
a stable family is to the Council.
Well… With all due respect, sir,…
…I don't think my wife
can remember when she's been so happy.
That's funny!
Please, let me down now!
Come on, I can't feel my feet anymore.
Let me down!
Now!
Ok, that's enough!
Mommy's had a shower, children!
Come get it, Titan!
It's suppertime! Now!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Shark!
Shark!
Shark!
How did I do that?
All right, you're all grounded!
But, but, but…
it was his… it was his idea, Mom!
-Don't listen to him, Mom! He's lying!
-Quiet!
I don't care
who is responsible.
I don't know how things used to be
around here, but they're about to change.
Go to your room!
Move it!
Boy, she's really mad.
Guys?
Hey, wait a minute!
Help, I can't move!
Guys? Can you come on?
-Hi, Dad!
-Hi, kids.
What a day I had!
Let me tell you.
m*rder out there. What's for dinner?
I'm starved.
You know… Sometimes I wish I could
just do what you do.
Hang around,… play with my hair,…
try and look pretty…
You know, nothing.
Children, will you please
excuse us?
-Yes, Mommy dearest.
-Yes, Mommy dearest.
Hagar…
Am I mistaken?
Or are you under the impression
that this house cleans itself?
That the dinner
that you're about to eat…
…somehow jumped up on the stove
and hopped in the pot?
That our children
taught themselves manners?
Is my widdle cwab cake
feeling underappreciated?
Now she's feeling patronized,
and that's worse.
I don't care how hard
you think you work…
…'cause I work just as hard!
Look what you did
to my wall!
Now, look, mister. You and I are going
to raise these children together…
…because I will not have them treating
their spouses the way that you treat me!
-Hagar!
-What?
Do you expect me to believe
that I wear this to bed?
Well… No.
Usually you sleep in the nude.
In your dreams.
I…
Boy.
Hagar, how exactly
did we meet?
Well…
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
Hi.
Hey!
Hey… Far out.
You know…
-There is one thing I never told you.
-What?
I was only pretending to be unconscious,
so I could kiss ya.
That's almost sweet…
Who does that cheap piece of tail
think she is?
Hello!
She thinks she's Crustacea!
And now thanks to you,
she's buckin' for mother of the year.
How was I supposed to know
she had a conscience?
Besides, there's more than one way
to skin a catfish.
You got another plan?
Let's just say, I get the feeling
something terrible might happen to her.
You mean like an accident?
Accidentally on pupose.
I hope Crustacea
likes calamari.
Ok, ok.
It's coming. It's coming.
There you are.
There you go.
Crustacea!
What brings our best pal
back to the club so soon?
You?
Well, you said I should bring baby Row
to the swimboree class, right?
Of course she did.
Amnesia must be catching.
You wanna go for a swim?
But look at you two!
Look, Crabella, ain't they sweet?
A regular portrait.
She's right. We must preserve
this familial moment.
Salvador!
Hello! Dali! Over here!
-You have a portrait artist.
-It's a very exclusive club.
Now, let's see… Why don't you two
go stand by the pool?
Well, ok. Here?
A little more.
-How about right here?
-A little more.
Here?
-A little more.
-Ok.
Here?
Help!
Guess she forgot to say "cheese".
Oh, no!
My God!
-Yeah! Go, Mom!
-Yeah! Come on!
-Come on!
-Go, Mom!
-Oh, my God!
-Hey… Did she make it?
Imagine that, Crabella.
An excaped octopus!
We'er so glad
you're all right…
Yeah, we had no idea
you knew how to defend yourself.
Otherwise, we never would…
Well, I… I guess the swimboree class
is a bust for today.
Sorry about that.
See ya, ladies.
Come on.
This is gonna be harder
than I thought.
I'm glad you're all right!
-That octopus didn't stand a chance!
-You're a hero.
Table for four.
Hagar, please,
tell me you had this delivered.
Ye of little faith.
Let your tongue be the judge.
Clamburgers!
See?
The kids love it.
-Good night.
-Good night, Dad.
And don't forget to brush your teeth
before you go to bed.
-Even the retractable ones.
-Yeah! You said it already!
-Good night.
-Good night.
What was the occasion?
You were.
Look, I've been thinkin' a lot
about what you said…
…about shared responsibility.
And… after the way I treated you,
you could 'a left…
…but you didn't.
So, I just wanted to let
you know that… things will be different.
You promise?
Yes.
Then you'll do the dishes.
Come on, girls, let's pick it up.
Now down the back.
Let's go.
Instructor's watching. Let's go.
That's it. You're doin' good.
Come on.
In, out, in, out.
We need a new plan.
Oh, right, 'cause you're last two
worked so well…
Question… How do you deal
with you excessive skanktitude?
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm not the one with…
…"Open all night."
monogrammed on my underwear.
-You've been looking through my closet?
-Truth hurts, don't it?
-Maybe you're right.
-I am?
Not about me! About the truth.
We can't tell Crustacea the truth
or Hagar will hate us.
But if she got her memory back…
Then she'd leave him!
And Hagar would be mine.
Cut bait and sail on, sister.
Hagar is mine.
Whatever.
Come on. Let's go!
And push. And lift.
And push. Let's go.
Pick it up! That's it. Come on.
-Don't look.
-Come on.
Don't look.
You're gonna ruin it if you look.
Ok.
All right, now you can look.
It's beautiful.
You like it?
It's the coral gardens.
It's where I asked you to marry me.
Thank you.
For what?
For having a learning curve.
Hagar, I never dreamed
you could take me seriously…
…but… you have risen
to the occasion.
You have no idea.
You know…
I should thank you…
…because… I am always
at my best when I'm around you.
I wish I could remember this place.
Maybe you don't have to.
Crustacea…
Will you marry me?
Hagar, I…
We're already married.
I know.
But I want us to start over again,
you know?
Like we did at the tidal pool.
We can begin again?
Yes.
You must be awfully
proud of yourself eh, Hagar.
Sir?
Stroke of genius renewing your vows
so close to the election.
The other candidates are kicking
themselves they didn't think of it first.
You sure you switched the drinks?
Positive.
Trust is the cornerstone
of every relationship.
It is the foundation upon which
love is built.
There's something I have to tell you.
Are you nervous? I am.
We've done this before.
Well, that's exactly
what I want to talk to you about.
-Are you ok?
-Yeah.
And so, if there's anyone present…
…who sees any reason why these two
should not be joined in holy matrimony…
…speak now,
or forever hold your peace.
Gabrielle…
I can't do this.
I can't.
What?
I am not Crustacea.
I'm Gabrielle.
Hagar?
What's the meaning of this?
You pig!
Why did you lie to me?
My wife is divorcing me.
And I was so concerned
with being Council president…
…that I lost sight
of what was really important.
Being a good husband.
So you thought
I could just take her place…
…and then you could climb
the corporate ladder, huh?
Yeah. No. I did, yes, I did at first.
I did at first.
But then I realized when I was
making you happy, I was happy.
I'm sorry.
When I told you I wanted to marry you,
that was for real.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
Whatever!
The point is,
you two ain't gettin' hitched.
Seems like a shame to waste the minister
and the cake, wouldn't you say?
My thoughts exactly!
I guess it's time to choose.
Choose what?
Your new wife!
My best friends, huh?
Hey, it's not our fault you don't know
a good thing when you see it.
So, who's it gonna be, Hagar?
Before you decide…
…you should know that Sturgina
snores like an asthmatic walrus.
You should also know that
every member of the Council…
…knows exactly what the top
of Crabella's head looks like.
If you get my meaning.
That's it!
I'm gonna k*ll you!
I'm gonna make you insane!
Get off of me!
Shut up!
Stay there.
Look, after what I did to Gorb…
Gerbil…
-Gabrielle?
-Gabrielle!
I'm gonna spend some time alone
and figure out how to make it up to her.
I'm sorry, Hagar, but…
we just can't allow that to happen.
That's right.
If we can't have him,
no one will.
-No! Come back here!
-I'll handle this.
-He's mine!
-Allow me.
Did not!
Out of my way,
fish food!
Come on!
Nail them, whoever you are!
What's a bloody nose
among friends?
I'm going to enjoy taking that ring off
your severed finger!
If you wanted my finger,
all you had to do was ask.
Perfect!
Thanks!
-I'm gonna k*ll you!
-All right!
Sorry about all the tricks
we played on you.
It's ok, I understand.
Look, never lose
your sense of humor, ok?
I'll miss you, lady,
whoever you are.
Me too.
Urchin… Your curiosity
is gonna take you many places.
What…?
That's very funny…
And you, little lady…
You have shown me that I have more
patience that I ever dreamed that I had.
Listen, I need to talk
to your dad for a minute.
Go on.
-I think you should have this.
-No, no, no.
Look. I…
If… If there is anything
I can do to make it up to you…
…I will.
Actually there is something
you can do.
Ok, name it.
You go your wife,
your real wife,…
…and you show her
what you've shown me.
Ok.
That behind the sexist, corporate-climbing,
self-centerd, lazy, stupid…
Ok, I get it.
I get it.
…there's a man with integrity,
who learned from his mistakes.
Ok. I can do that.
-Here.
-No, no, you…
…you can keep it.
It'll be something to remember us by.
Besides, it looks better on you
than it does on me, so…
What are you doing?
Well… Apparently,
just what you've always want.
You wanna tell me something, Gabrielle?
What a weird dream…
You almost drowned!
You were out for, like a whole minute!
Thanks to this lemon tart.
Aren't you late for your delousing?
Right, that's it!
Ladies, you wanna take this
someplace else?
Unless you want a taste
of my new chakram.
Olympus. o'clock. Be there.
I can't wait! Your black eye'll
match your outfit perfectly.
-It's all right.
-Can I?
Can I try?
I don't know.
You sure you're all right?
Better than ever.
All right. Ok.
I have a new story for you.
This woman fell
into the deep blue sea…
…and she found herself in another world.