08x01 - Garbage Sushi

[bunniefuu]

[Wind whistling]
[Whirring]

[Scanner whirring]

[Wind whistles]
[Title music]

[Evil laughter]
[Whirring]

It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

[Beeping]

Announcer: In the year ,
the world faces an unstoppable evil.

[Screeching]
[g*nf*re]

Godzilla has destroyed the
last of our air force, sir.

We have one final option.

- Nuclear?
- Better.

Jason Voorhees!
He can't be k*lled!

Think Hollywood is out of ideas?
Shut up!

Now fork over your hard-earned
cash for more crap-tacular,

Mind-Numbing dung ...
like this pile of flaming ...

Holy sh*t, I would actually see this!

I mean, like not on a Friday Night,

but I'd get baked and
make an afternoon of it.

No way!
Did you see that?!

Right up the flame, like a fire salmon!

"Godzilla vs. Jason."

This remake mash-up
bullshit just got good!

[Roars]
Dear god!

[Screeches]

- Now, my friends, eat of my body.
- For breakfast?!

- Holy yuck!
- No, Holy O's!

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ He d*ed for your sins ♪

♪ Now he's giving
breakfast a biblical spin ♪

♪ Marshmallow bits
look like angel wings ♪

♪ Nuggets shaped like halos
and the king of kings ♪

♪ Fortified with fiber
so your colon's primed ♪

♪ With Holy O's!,
the milk changes into wine! ♪

Announcer: Holy O's! Are
baked with ancient chaff,

carbon-dated to the time of Jesus,

and soaked in high
fructose corn syrup ...

just the way he liked it.

♪ Holy O's ♪

It is finished.

[Ding!]
[Grunts]

[Alarm blaring, siren wailing]

Freeze! You're under arrest!
We have you surrounded!

Oop! Oh, no, where'd I go?!

[Laughing] Whoop!
I'm up and then I'm down.

Whoop, where'd I go?!
[Laughing]

[Grenade clicks] Hey, what?!
No, no, no, no!

Thank you so much for
fixing my porch, Handy Manny.

De nada, Seã'ora Portillo.

You know my motto ... you break it...

All: We fix it!

And with the lowest prices in town!

[Siren wails, tires screech]

- Ay!
- Stand back, ma'am!

We're deporting this illegal
hombre back to taco-town.

Illegal?!

[yelling in Spanish]

- Hey, it's dark in here!
- I need my pills!

We appreciate all the
tips you've given us

on the illegal handy man,
Bob the builder,

but America just doesn't
have enough detention centers

- to handle them all.
- That's a problem!

- Can we fix it?!
- Together: Yes, we can!

Handy Manny: Bob, Bob!
You can't let them deport me!

You know I was born in America!

Yeah, the th amendment
says that makes you a citizen,

and it's a real problem.
Can we fix it?!

All: Uh...

- I don't roll with that.
- I'm don't know.

[Whimpers]
I don't know!

Mommy, I thought that little pill

was supposed to grow into
a great, big dinosaur toy.

Is that grandma's heart medicine?

Then that means ...
Oh, my god!

[Dramatic music plays]

When that circus gypsy predicted this

is how grandma would
die, we all laughed.

Well, I guess she's
the one laughing now.

[Whimsical music plays]

That's not true. [Sniffles]
I actually find this very sad.

Announcer: Your principal ... he stinks!

Not true! I showered this morning!

Announcer: Yeah, you do, you old d*ck!

You suck at video games,
you don't like rap music,

and you hate Chew Blast gum!

No!

Announcer: Your bus driver sucks [bleep]

You suck [bleep]

Announcer: No, you do!

You don't know how to
drive, you have diabetes,

and you ha-a-a-a-te Chew Blast gum.

The children stick it under the seats.

Announcer: Well, stick this
up your ass, you old bitch!

I can't see!

Announcer: Your grandpa
is an old d*ck bag.

I taught you how to ride a bicycle.

Announcer: He doesn't get the
spike network at his house,

he walks with a limp.

My limp is from World w*r II.

Announcer: And he hates Chew Blast gum.

I survived the bataan death march.

- Announcer: Try to survive this!
- Aagh!

Announcer: Chew Blast, the gum you sh**t

into your mouth with a slingshot.

Grown-ups don't like it 'cause
grown-ups are [bleep] stupid!

Yeah, polluting is fun!

Captain Planet: No, it isn't!

All: Captain Planet!

- Don't try to run!
- Run!

- Energy beam!
- Aagh!

- Earth power!
- Aagh!

- Ball sh*t!
- My balls!

Good work, Captain Planet!

You've done such a fantastic job
that we're giving you a promotion.

Congratulations... General Planet!

Oh, boy!

: A.M., first quarter R&D review,

: , subcommittee on
off-shore safety budget.

- : , ma...
- Excuse me, general, but these

need your signature right away!

General Planet!
[Chuckles]

- I hope this is recycled paper.
- It is not.

[Hip-hop music playing]
Yo, this track is b*mb as hell!

As soon as Nicki Minaj adds
her vocal, it's gonna be huge!

[Door opens]
Hello, everyone, I'm here.

- You ain't Nicki Minaj!
- Na, I'm her sister Nicki Morgaj.

I'm here to refinance your mortgages.

Yo, yo, yo, you dead, sucka!

Wait! I bought at the
height of the housing bubble.

Let's just hear her out.

[g*nsh*t] _
[Music continues]

[Electronic pulsing]

All: Surprise!

Aww! You guys.

[Upbeat music playing]

Man: # Well, a long time ago #

♪ A dinosaur lady gave birth ♪

♪ To a whole bunch of dinosaur babies ♪

♪ Three of them had the
same features mom had ♪

♪ But one was probably
from a different dad ♪

♪ Yeah, mom let another
man sperm up her eggs ♪

♪ And no matter how she
cried or how she begged ♪

♪ Daddy kicked her ass out
into the cold, cold street ♪

♪ And with four mouths to
feed and nothing to eat ♪

♪ She packed up her brood
in the pouring rain ♪

♪ And booked a one-way trip ♪

♪ On the dinosaur train ♪

[Whistle blows]
Chorus: # dinosaur train #

♪ Who built this train? ♪

Man: # Well, dinosaurs
developed steam and tools #

♪ Dino society was inherently cruel ♪

♪ And a slut-shamed mom
with a brood to feed ♪

♪ Had to get creative
to pay the passage fee ♪

Chorus: # Dinosaur shame #

♪ On the dinosaur train ♪
[whistle blows]

Man: # Well, they rode the rails
for a couple of months #

♪ And mom turned tricks
to keep their fancy bunks ♪

♪ Then she met a stegosaurus
who said, "be my wife ♪

♪ Come out to California
and we'll start a new life ♪

♪ I don't care what you did
or what you done ♪

♪ I love you and your kids
and your bastard son" ♪

♪ She looked at that man
with tears in her eyes ♪

♪ And the train derailed ♪

♪ And the dinosaurs d*ed ♪

♪ Maybe dinos built a
railroad across this land ♪

♪ But there's no way they could steer ♪

♪ With those tiny hands ♪

Chorus: # Dinosaur train #

♪ Implausible train ♪
[Whistle blows]

Ah, Magoo, a vacation in
Miami is just what you needed.

I just hope there aren't
too many mosquitoes.

_

Did you say, "massage"?
Oh, I'd love one.

Let me get my wallet.
[Chuckles]

I'm especially tense right here,

in the shoulders and
maybe the groin area.

_

__

"Happy ending," you say?
[Chuckles]

Ah, Miami botanical garden,
I always wanted to see this.

Although there better not be
any of those pesky mosquitoes.

_

Ah, does anybody in
Miami speak English?!

Oh-oh, the Latinos are
ruining the country, I say.

[Laughs]

[Dice rattling]

Oh, no, mosquitoes!

[Grunts]

[All grunt]

Oh, a water fountain!
I could use a drink.

[Slurps]

Refreshing! [Laughs]

[Both gasp]

_

Magoo: Mosquitoes.

[Laughs]

_

__

What, did the sprinklers go off?

Why are my feet wet? Huh?

What's this?

Oh, heavens.
I did this!

Mr. Magoo!

_

She knows I did it.
I-I-I can't do time!

[Screams]
[Sobbing]

You should really consider
lasik surgery for your eyesight.

The infinity gauntlet
belongs to Thanos at last!

Now I finally have something

to go with my infinity dress
and infinity shoes!

If only I had an infinity date.

Oh, Eric, you've made this
Little Mermaid's dreams come true.

I'm finally a real girl,
and it's our wedding night.

[Giggles]

[Grunts]

Do you want me to leave
while you jerk off onto my eggs?

I'd rather stay and
watch, if that's okay.

Girl: Matches! [Music]
Please buy my matches.

I can't go home without
selling these matches.

Father will b*at me!

I'm so cold.

It couldn't hurt to
light just one match.

Oh!

That was lovely.

Grandmother!

But ... But you're in
heaven with Jesus now.

Jesus is a fairy tale.
There's only Vishnu,

which you'll find out soon
enough if you freeze to death.

Listen to your old granny.

She's got a plan, a plan,
a plan, a plan, a plan...

- Hi, daddy.
- Damn it, girl,

if you didn't sell every
last match, it ... [Coughs]

Game, set, match.

I never dreamed you would
learn to use the matches

for your own purposes!
[Grunts]

Granny's jewelry ... right
where she said she hid it.

Have an egg for the road,
you old d*ck.

Oh, no, you're too young for a Mai Tai.

One Mai Tai coming up.
So, what's your name, anyway?

My name's the little [bleep]
Match Girl!

♪ Whaa ♪
[Rock music playing]

♪ Waah, aah, aah, aah, aah ♪

♪ Waah, aah, aah, aah, aah ♪