02x16 - Self Care

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hustle a lot, hustle a lot,
I'm all I got ♪

ZOEY: After a recent string of setbacks,

things were finally starting
to look up for young Zo-Zo.

♪ Snitches get stitches, money get... ♪

I'd successfully held down
a job at the bookstore

for two weeks
and only called in sick twice.

Shout-out to my work ethic!

And I'd even complied with their
basic-ass khakis dress code.

I was officially on my way
to financial freedom.

- [Ding!]
- ♪ I'm tired and hungry ♪

Well, not exactly freedom.

- [Ding!]
- ♪ Hustlin', hustlin', hustlin', hustlin' ♪

But at least like
a halfway house situation.

But that wasn't all.
My academics had also improved.

- [Ding!]
- ♪ Eating on steak and shrimp ♪

♪ Hustle a lot, hustle a lot ♪

After all the hard work it took
to get my life back on track,

not to mention getting
my car back from Dad,

I decided it was time to reward myself

with a weekend devoted to self-care.

And as much as I deserved it,
my girls needed it even more.

With Ana having her Aaron problems,

and Nomi's situation
with Professor Hewson,

I decided to take the MLK weekend...

- [Horn honks]
- ...and get out of town for a girls'

self-care retreat.

Whoo!

♪ Send you straight to meetcha maker ♪

And where better to do that

than at my parents' empty house.

[Sighs] Ladies... welcome to serenity.

JUNIOR: Psh.

More like paradise.

M'lady.

♪♪

M'nightmare.

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'm-a feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

What are you doing here?!

And why in the world
did you not go skiing

with the rest of the family?

You may not realize it, Zoey,
but it is exhausting

being our baby brother's
primary caregiver.

Sometimes, I need
a break from skin-to-skin,

and so does Devante.

Whatever. Please just do not
bother us this weekend.

Okay, Zoey! I see you!

Come through, Johnsons!

You know, I'm almost not mad at you

for making us miss
the Martin Luther King Parade

for the first time in our lives.

- Mm-hmm.
- Zo, I thought that you said

you grew up wealthy, but I mean,
are these floors even heated?

[Scoffs]

Ladies! Welcome!

Please, make yourselves at home.

There are plenty of beds for everyone.

I mean, obviously, you are
welcome to crash with me,

assuming that you're not
allergic to spider silk.

Um... can I actually talk to you
alone for a second?

♪♪

Night... mare.

Junior. Sweet, sweet Junior.

How do I say this gently?

You know, me and you,
we shared one drunken,

sweaty night on the dance floor,
and you made it rain on me,

but, uh, that's pretty much
where it ends.

You know, you're my girl's
brother, and I...

I just don't want this
to become a... a "thing."

Say no more.
I can read between the lines.

- Okay.
- You're afraid I'll hurt you.

Plus dating a single parent
isn't for everyone.

ZOEY: You are not Devante's father!

[Snaps fingers]

[Whispers] Spider silk.

I'm disturbed.

[Sighs] Okay. Yeah.

It's all taken care of.

Great! Well, in that case...

we are here this weekend

to cleanse our mind, body, and soul.

Excuse me. I know Jesus.
My soul stays clean.

Okay, well, that means no phones

or social media,

and definitely no alcohol,
dr*gs, or junk food.

[Crunches]

[Muffled] Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm not going through

this breakup without carbs.

Do you have spaghetti
that I can dip this in?

Honey, it wasn't, like,
really a breakup.

- Yeah.
- You're right.

- [Scoffs]
- I don't even get the dignity

of a breakup title because I didn't even

get the relationship!

Uh, well, this...
this here is exactly why

this weekend is so important.

We need to heal ourselves
because no one else will.

Right. So how exactly does
the healing happen?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good question.

By treating ourselves well,
clearing our heads,

and relaxing, which actually brings me

to our first self-care activity.

[Giggles]

Ooh!

Adult coloring books.

Ugh, white-people sh*t.

[Scoffs] And on MLK weekend.

Mnh-mnh.

Hi, it's me, Aaron.

I'm a part of the Hawkins Brotherhood.

While we here at Cal U enjoy
beautiful, well-kept facilities,

our surrounding community
isn't so fortunate.

There's no net here.

How do you know if you
make it or not, you know? So...

But we want to give these kids
the park they deserve.

Uh, so, let's clean up
this park and pass...

a long-lasting legacy.

[Bleep]

[Chuckles]

- [Scattered applause]
- There you have it.

There you have it. You guys feel that?

That is why we are here.

We have four regulation
basketball courts

here in these privileged walls of Cal U,

but the kids on the next block
don't even have a net...

to put on their hoop.

So, I want us to dig deep,

and let's show these kids
that Titans care!

We're taking donations right here.

So, uh, yeah.

We Titans care! All right, whoo!

- [Scattered applause]
- All right.

Play the music, play the music.
Thank you. Enjoy yourselves.

[Clears throat]

- What do you guys think?
- Call the cops, man!

We m*rder*d that video.

Don't call anyone yet.
We didn't m*rder anything, okay?

We still need donations.

What are we looking like on that?

$50... $50.

Are you kidding me? That's it?! Guys...

Bro, yo, give it some time, playboy.

Yo, this joint's just getting started.

Doug, I need you circulating,
getting this conversation started.

We need donations.

Vivek, this music... What is it? Wrong.

We need something that makes
people want to give.

Like, uh, Gucci Mane or,
um... Michael McDonald.

- Gotcha.
- All right.

As for me, it's go time.

Ma'am!

Oh, isn't this so soothing?

No, it's whack.

I did not miss the MLK parade
to color dumbass mermaids.

We need some drinks. [Chuckles]

[Singsong voice] Look what I brought!

Yes! Let's celebrate these civil rights.

What? N-No! Guys, this weekend is
not about celebrating civil rights.

Huh?

And that sounded rough. Um, it is.

But it is also about celebrating us.

What kind of dry and dusty
celebration is this?

I am bored as hell.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

- Excuse me.
- I will get the cups!

Aw, y'all, we're gonna do
the ASMR videos next.

NOMI: [Clears throat]
"Dear Diary, Steve Newcomb

is def the Lupe Fiasco
of our middle school.

His Vines are like so on fleek!"

Oh, my God. Where did you get that?

I don't know, some random, sealed box

that had your name on it
and said "do not open."

- No. Well, guess what.
- Hmm?

My diary is not for public consumption.

Respect my privacy.

Oh, come on!

You have us locked up
in this bougie subdivision

with no phones, no TV, and no [bleep].

Let us have some fun.

#self-care.

- Fine.
- Yes.

But I... will be doing the reading.

- Okay.
- Yes!

Oh, my God, this one.

"Dear Diary, I can't believe my mom came

to the roller rink
where Steve Newcomb and I

were couple skating.

O.M.G., tonight my life
literally ended."

So what happened?

Well, okay, all I did
was borrow a jacket

she already told me I couldn't,
but I mean, it was so dope...

like, big, white collar,
striped, couture, you know?

Okay, that's baby bullshit
compared to what happened

with Sky when she wrote
down about her first

oral sex experience in her diary.

- Wait, how old were you?!
- Okay, hold on.

[Ding!]

Okay, I thought it meant just
talking about sex, okay?

[Laughter]

So one day, ashy-backed Gerald...

[Ding!]

...decided to tell the whole
class a sex story during recess,

and then I went home
and wrote in my diary

that I'd had oral sex
with ashy-backed Gerald...

Wait for it.

...and then our dad read it.

- Ohh!
- Oh, my gosh.

- That's so embarrassing!
- Are you serious?

- Whoa!
- [Clears throat]

Sorry for the interruption,
ladies, but I just worked out.

Please try not to stare.
You might hurt your eyes.

[Laughter]

Ignore him.

Um, oh, wait, guys. Listen to this.

This one is hilarious. Um...

"Dear Diary, Hailey
thinks she is so friggin' cool

with her rose gold iPod Touch..."

- [Chuckles]
- "...but I don't even care

because while she's making
Harlem Shake videos,

I'm over here setting goals." [Chuckles]

"By the time I'm 20,
I'll have my own blog..."

Well, I had a makeup vlog in,
like, high school,

so chiggity check!

- Okay.
- Okay.

"...I'll start my own fashion label..."

You didn't do that.

"...which Frank Ocean
will wear in one of his videos

for like his fifth album..."

[Scoffs] That definitely didn't happen.

"I cannot wait to leave L.A.
the moment I turn 18

and take the world by storm.

I know it'll be difficult
juggling being a college student

and having a fashion career,
but I know I can do it."

Oh, Zoey, you know
what else you didn't do?

- Hmm?
- Any of that! [Laughs]

Sorry, Diary. But you did eventually get

an iPod Touch... that I broke, so...

♪♪

ZOEY: Reading "Young Zoey's"
dreams and realizing

how short "College Zoey" had
fallen of accomplishing them,

it became clear I didn't
deserve to be rewarded at all.

What are you doing, Zo? You okay?

Yeah, I don't know.

Look at all this stuff...
ribbons and good grades

and birthday cards from my dad
to his favorite child.

This was me less than three
years ago, and I...

I just... I just feel embarrassed.

Like, how did I get so far off track?

Okay, Zoey, step away from the box.

Sit down. It's okay.

Embarrassment is being
dumped on your own balcony

by a guy you're not even
in a relationship with.

I would've jumped. Or pushed his ass.

Either way, somebody would've wound up

- on that street.
- Yeah.

Okay, but I'm working at a bookstore.

That has nothing... zero...
to do with fashion.

I totally get starting at
the bottom... it's necessary...

but this isn't even the right bottom.

Like, I should be so much further ahead.

I get it. I thought I'd be some

Olympic gold medalist by now.

And Sky would at least be bronze.

Your mama's bronze.

All right, you guys,
we need to relax here.

We're 19, okay? We have plenty of time

to establish our careers
and our love lives.

Well... you can say that, Nomi,
because you're good.

You have straight A's.

No financial pressures.

No relationship drama.

Oh, my God, come on.
You guys are acting like

I live this charmed life with, like,

heated floors and organic applesauce.

Okay, I have... I have things
that I'm dealing with.

- Like what?!
- Name one. Just one.

Like I'm dating Professor Hewson.

- What?!
- Huh?

- Huh?
- Hold on. What?!

Who?

♪♪

How's it looking?

Horrible. Got it.

Uh, excuse me, fellas.

Hey, not to interrupt, uh...
I don't know if you saw me.

I'm Aaron, the dude
from the video earlier...

well-directed, well-acted...
and I was just asking, uh,

if you'd be willing to donate to
these kids in our community, man.

It would help out a lot,
and I see your kicks,

so I know you got it. All right?

Yeah, I'm wit' it.
Love what you're doing.

Really? Thank you.
That means a lot, bro.

Guys, you see what I'm talking about?

This man, um...

- Mauricio.
- ...Mau... Mauricio

is stepping up and being the change

that he wants to see in the world.

Now, Mauricio just
generously donated to us...

$5. $5?

What are these kids supposed
to do with $5?

Um, I said "be the change,"
not "give me change."

- Do you wanna up this...
- Bro, relax.

On top of that $5, I paid $10 to get in.

Fall back.

Fall back.

How about you fall back on my drinks?

I've seen you drink
at least $30 worth of Cuban rum,

but all you can give these kids is $5?

That's the type of man you are?

Man [bleep] you and them kids.

- Who you talking to?
- Chill.

- Y'all better get your boy!
- No, who you talking to?!

He don't know 'Ricio.
Like, for real, for real.

No, you know what?
All y'all drinking and eating

for free, you don't give
a damn about the community!

Is Professor Hewson the one
who called you a misogynist?

You called me a misogynist.

- Yeah.
- Hold up, is that how you got

an "A" in that class
while I've been busy

busting my ass over this
boring feminism propaganda?

No. I got an "A" because
I'm an "A" student.

And we didn't even start dating

until the semester was over... ish.

Even so, she's still the professor,

and you're the student.

You don't think that's
a messed-up power dynamic?

Is it? They're two consenting adults.

- Yeah.
- With a 20-year age difference!

So what? It works out for Sarah Paulson

and whatever old lady she's dating.

And can you imagine
how wrong it would feel

if she was a 40-year-old male professor?

But she's not, and a lot of things

would be different if
the genders were reversed.

Guys, I honestly think it's fine.

Well, how do you feel?

You've just been sitting here
quiet the whole time.

I mean, I'm sure you have
something to say.

Mm-hmm.

I already know how Zoey feels.

- Yeah.
- How?

What? Wait, you told her?

[Gasping]

Not exactly.

♪♪

Wow! We are the most
secret-keeping group of b*tches

I have ever met.

[Exhales sharply]

I'm proud of us.

Okay, fine, you know what? I-I think...

I think that Nomi
is an amazing human being,

and I honestly trust
whatever she chooses

is right for her.

And that's Professor Hewson.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Zoey.

Of course.

But I still think that telling
the both of you was a big mistake.

You guys are honestly being harsher

than Paige even predicted you would be.

Okay, you know, no judgment,
Nomi, just pure curiosity.

Like, what led you to smashing
our gross old-lady professor?

Okay, you're gross, first of all,

and Paige is amazing, okay?

And we have a real connection.

She's smart, and she's interesting,

and she's given me
so much great life advice.

I mean, she's the reason
why I was honest

and finally came out
to my parents, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

I'ma pray for you.

Yeah, you know what?
This is exactly why Paige

told me not to say
anything, because people

- are narrow-minded.
- Okay, fine.

I'ma pray for Paige's old ass, too.

Mm-hmm. God is good.

I need to smoke.

- I need a drink.
- I need spaghetti.

Are you serious?

[Sighs] Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

We're just six hours into
my self-care weekend,

and it's already a total bust.

Per usual, yet another one
of my well-intentioned goals

just dies a-a painful...

- [Jazz screams]
- Oh, my God!

Uh!

- Oh, my God!
- What happened?

[All gasp]

Excuse you! What?!

I thought we were practicing self-care.

Hmm.

[Gagging]

- Don't worry about them.
- Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow!

[Inhales sharply] I'm not
gonna lie, I'm pretty happy that

the heat about inappropriate
relationships is off me.

Oh.

What?

She's the one who brought up
self-care at me,

and I was just trying to stay on theme.

[Laughter]

Wha...

It is not funny, guys!

- I'm sorry.
- It's kinda funny.

I do not know

what the hell is
so amusing about all this!

I mean, I just watched my little brother

and one of my best friends in the tub

doing God knows what to your feet!

Oh, I can tell you.

TOGETHER: No!

Ugh! You know what?

Self-care weekend is officially over,

so y'all can do whatever you
wanna do because I have failed.

NOMI: Listen, okay,
you made a valiant effort,

but you can't just carve out
a weekend and then suddenly

- expect everything to be solved.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Zoey, it's like how
you are with your curls.

It just doesn't happen overnight.

- It's a process.
- Mm-hmm.

First you start off
by trimming off the dead ends,

then you gotta find the right products,

then you pineapple it at night,

and then you plunk it in the morning.

It's about maintenance.
Just like self-care.

Yeah, you practice
a little bit of it every day.

And, you know, you can't
get curl and life goals

in one weekend.

Wow, you're right.

Well, you know what? I just wish
you would've told me that

before I spent my last check
on those coloring books.

- [Laughter]
- I said I wanted spaghetti!

JAZZ: Yes.

Should we have, um, spaghetti and wine?

- I would really love that.
- Spaghetti and wine!

Spaghetti and wine!

Spaghetti and wine!

Yo, bro, you need to
calm that down, man.

Real talk, you don't want
problems with 'Ricio.

This can't just be about
Mauricio and that dumb donation.

No, it's not just that, okay?

It's the fact that I...
I've been busy being an R.A.,

I've been busy partying, and
this whole Zoey and Ana thing.

You know?
This is the first time this year

that I've done a fundraiser,
and I couldn't even get a stack

to help clean up a park, you know?

I've... I just feel
like I've lost focus.

Hey, come on, man.

Don't be so hard on yourself, man.

Look.

I think if you take
a look at this total,

you'll see you surpassed your goal.

Are you serious? You... You did this?

Yeah, man! You inspired me!

Yeah, I see you out here doing
your little activism thing,

and I admire that.

And plus, I'm a very successful
drug dealer, you know.

I am genuinely touched, man. Thank you.

All right, cute,
but y'all wanna wrap this up?

We're sitting ducks out here.

Big 'Ricio never forgets, man.

Man, will you chill, please?
Nobody's worried about Big 'Ricio.

- Hold up.
- What?

Why does that Jetta
not have his headlights on?

[Tires squeal]

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

So, in some weird way,
the self-care weekend

had actually turned out to be a success.

We didn't need all the coloring
books, tea, or clean eating.

Apparently, we just
needed some quality time

to purge some of our secrets.

- [Cheering]
- And a good laugh at my brother's expense.

There we go!

"Dear Diary, if I had to pick
one thing to do

for my 14th birthday party,
it would be to raid

my mother's closet and do a fashion show

with my best friends."

[Gasps] Here it is...
the infamous jacket.

- This woman throws nothing away.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh. Dude, your mom's clothes

are so sick.

I know. I mean,
this jacket was almost worth

the roller-rink humiliation.

- [Chuckling]
- Oh, yeah.

- [Gasps]
- Huh?

- Wh...
- You guys...

You know what we should do?

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

Yes, please.

- [Cheering]
- ♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall ♪

♪ Don't say it 'cause I know I'm cute ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Louis down to my drawers ♪

♪ LV all on my shoes ♪

- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪
- ♪ I be drippin' so much sauce ♪

♪ Gotta been lookin' like... ♪

- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪
- ♪ Lit up like a crystal ball ♪

♪ That's cool, baby, so is you ♪

♪ That's how I roll ♪

♪ If I'm shiny, everybody gonna shine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm goals ♪

♪ I was born like this,
don't even gotta try ♪

♪ Now you know ♪

♪ I like Chardonnay,
get better over time ♪

♪ So you know, it ain't my fault ♪

♪ That I'm out here gettin' loose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on the... ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Blame it, blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Blame it, blame it on my juice ♪

[Laughter]