08x14 - Hopefully Salt

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
Post Reply

08x14 - Hopefully Salt

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Man: Mortals, stop that!

- Dude, stop it.
- Stop it!

- Stop it!
- Stop it!

- Stop!
- You stop!

- You stop!
- No, you stop!

[Growling]

[Lisping] My son, if you've
activated this crystal,


it means you've lost your powers.

Returning them to you will take
all this Fortress' power.


I will be lost to you forever.

[Groans]

Okay, so be it, then.
Fine.


[Triumphant music plays] [Roars]

Oh, he has such cute eyes!

Cute eyes go for $ . each.

[Roars]

[Barking]

[Grunts]

It's a miracle!

[Growling]

[Men screaming]

[Splat!]

[Triumphant music continues]

[Snarling]

[Roars]

Oh, I knew I should have blown
out that yankee candle!

I just wanted it to smell like
clean cotton when I got back.

At first, I was just doing it
because I was hungry.

Now I'm starting to think

maybe I'm actually a sheep
trapped in a wolf's body.

Baa!
Baa!

It feels right.

[Upbeat music playing]

_

[Happy music playing]

Okay!
This is what we trained for.

Got it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I realize
the building's on fire,

but could you not jump out
the window until we're ready?

Hey, Stan, don't you live
in this building?

I used to.
Marcy kicked me out.

- Well, what happened?
- Don't worry about it.

That cheating skank's gonna get

what's coming to her
in three, two...

[expl*si*n]

- Oh, right on schedule.
- Did you do this?!

That expl*si*n just came
from Marcy's apartment!

How would you know
which apartment is hers?

Uh, I... I mean ...

What the hell,
are you [bleep] my wife?

Uh, I don't really think
this is the time, Stan!

You son of a bitch!

I can see you're in no mood
to discuss this.

I still love you, Marcy!

[Crash!]

I call this the buck stroke!

This is impossible according
to the laws of physics,

which is what makes it so fun!

Money shark!
[Chomp!]

A shark B.J.!

Uh, excuse me, miss, are there
any other seats available?

I really just hate sitting
right on the wing.

- And why is that?
- When jet engines fail,

there's a spinning disk
component that's known to

tear through the fuselage
like a frisbee of death.

I assure you, you're completely ...

[Passengers screaming]

- I'm gonna die!
- I need to make love one last time!

Wow!
The last day of my life

is also gonna be
the best day of my life!

Oh, my gosh, am I dead?

You are.
Welcome to heaven.

Where did
the flight attendant go?

Well, straight to hell,
as all flight attendants do.

Gosh, I have so many questions.

How will "Game of Thrones" end?

- Tyrion sits on the iron throne.
- Wow!

- Arya is hand to the king.
- Yes!

- Daenerys marries Jon Stone ...
- No way.

And they turn Castle Black
into a dragon zoo.

- Oh, that makes sense, I guess.
- Ser Pounce chokes to death on a fish.

- Oh, no!
- Samwise Gamgee ... oh, sorry.

- Samwell Tarly ...
- Common mistake.

- also chokes to death on a fish.
- Oh!

Oh, and I've got two words
for you ... ice dragons.

Oh, my gosh!
No way!

What will "Star Wars" episode
eight and nine be like?

Eight's pretty good.

That black storm trooper
becomes a Jedi.

I'm under N.D.A. on nine,
you understand. Sorry.

- But it's wall to wall tits.
- Ooh!

- What about "Avatar" two and three?
- Oh, those never come out.

It's Cameron's "Chinese democracy."

What's happening to me?
No, wait!

- I have so many questions!
- Sir, are you all right?

Oh, my head hurts.
I must have bumped it.

We encountered some
very rough turbulence.

Yes, right after we encountered
the mile high club!

Thanks for the free upgrade
to vag*na class.

[Zapping]
[screams]

Let's get ready to play
"Are you smarter than a fifth grader?"

[Cheering]

I'll take social studies.

Who puts gifts under
the tree every Christmas?

- Santa Claus.
- Dave?

Your parents, stupid!

Dave's correct!
[audience cheering]

What? Santa doesn't...

Um, okay.
Let's try g-geography.

Where did your dog go
when he "got old?"

My mom said that he went
to live on a farm.

- Dave.
- That dog is dead.

[Sobbing]

- Oh, b-biology.
- Biology, all right.

- Does the female orgasm exist?
- I have no idea. I'm !

- Dave.
- It does not exist.

Yep, just ask my wife.
High five!

Looks like I'm smarter
than a fifth grader!

- I want my mommy.
- Oh, it's cool, man. Don't worry.

I got your mom right here!

[Cheering]

[Grunting]

At least figure out
the orgasm thing for her.

Jesus H!

How many hooks are on
this thing, a thousand?

- Let me help you.
- I can do it!

[Music chiming]

- What did you see, Clarice?
- Lambs, and they were screaming.

- What were they screaming about?
- I don't know.

What were they
screaming about?!

[Groaning]

[Bleating]

- Make it stop!
- Crossfit changed my life, bro.

Eat and paleo, literally,
is all I do right now.

I feel great.

Except when I'm going T.M.
twice a day,

'cause sometimes when you do,
like, that hardcore T.M.,

you gotta block out the time for it.

Ugh, Dr. Pepper blows!

Man, if I ever meet Dr. Pepper,
whoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm gonna kick that guy's ass!

Whoever said Dr. Pepper's a guy?

Whaaaaaaat!

Happy anniversary, Barbie!

Let's celebrate! Ew!

Are you cleaning the place?
Hello, honey?

Oh!
Hey, Barbie, there you are.

No, I'm Police Officer Barbie.

Looks to me like you k*lled
your old lady.


That's crazy!
I didn't k*ll her.

See? Here she is.

No, I'm your neighbor,
Secretary Barbie ...

introduced in ...
progressive!

You k*lled your wife
because she was pregnant!

But I don't even have a d*ck!

Barbie: It's not hard to fake a m*rder.
[music]


Break some furniture.
Easy when it's all plastic.


Then leave something
for the cops to find.


Ken loved a girl who never
existed, a Barbie Doll.


Isn't that what all men want?

A big-titted blonde bombshell

who's an architect/astronaut
during the day


and an aerobics instructor
in the bedroom.


Oh, Barbie, oh, you came back!
I was so worried!

I'm not your wife, dumbass.
I'm TV Reporter Barbie.

And my viewers want to know,
on a scale of to ,

how gay are you really?

Finally, time to start fresh.

I'll take the Barbie beach cruiser,

the luxury bathtub set,
the euro style fashion pack,

the wave rider, and ...
oh, yeah ... the unicorn.

Yeah, right.
How you gonna pay for that crap?

Sorry, how am I gonna what for it?

[Tires screech]

Oh, Ken! I'm back!
All is forgiven, darling!

Shh! If we're quiet,
maybe she'll go away.

How are we doing this again?

- None of us have working junk.
- Shut up and rub my lump.

Man: Stephen Hawking used
quantum mechanics


to predict radiation from black holes.

But can he see what makes cinnamon
toast crunch so delicious?!


Help.
My manager has power of attorney.

I don't want to be in commercials.

- All I want to do is...
- Eat more cinnamon toast crunch!

- What is it?
- I call it the pizza-thrower!

- Looks like a t*nk.
- That's because it is a t*nk!

Congress passed a bill
that sends army weapons

to law enforcement
and assorted vigilantes!

- Radical!
- I turned the radiator into a brick oven.

Then replaced the m*ssile turret
with a pizza cannon!

Impressive, Donatello.

But m*llitary equipment is more
powerful than nunchucks and bow staffs.

- More powerful means more awesome!
- Yeah!

[Screaming]

All shall fall before the Shredder!

[Laughs]

Order up!

Say hello to
m*llitary-grade mozzarella!

[Screaming]

Whoa!
That was easy.

Not so fast, turtles.
Tonight, I dine on turtle ...

[Screaming]

It burns!

Hands behind your back, dude!

This cheese is so hot,
it's inside my mask!


[Grunting]

Hey, stop resisting!

I'm not!
I can't even see!


Stop resisting!
[Zapping]

It's making the cheese hotter!

[Grunting]

[Sizzling]

He was coming at me.

Everyone saw him
coming at me, right?

- Yeah, dude.
- Oh. Totally.

So we should, like,
go home now, right?

We, uh, still got a ton of pizza
left in the chamber, dudes.

[Over PA] Move it along!
Turtles coming through!


That car's parked in the red, dude!

That's what you get
for breaking the law!

- That kid's not !
- Take out his cigarette!

Oh!

[Grunting]

- According to this, he's .
- [Groaning] I'm a late bloomer.

Well, y...
you shouldn't be smoking!

We have exclusive cellphone
footage from the incident.


I must warn you,
the video is disturbing.


[Grunting]

Stop resisting!

I'm not!
I can't even see!


A hate crime against a minority.
Do the Ninja Turtles hate Asians?


Hate Asians?
We are Asian.

- Asian?! We're Italian, dude.
- You're [bleep] turtles!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


Ba-gawk!
Bawk.
Post Reply