08x15 - Yogurt in a Bag

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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08x15 - Yogurt in a Bag

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!


[Thunder rumbles]

♪ My little pony ♪

♪ My little pony ♪

♪ What a wonderful world ♪

[Donkey brays]

We didn't come here
to see you dancing!

[Bleep] that donkey!

Yeah, blow your load
in her face, donkey!

[Jeering, laughter]

[Laughing]
# My little pony #


♪ My little pony ♪

[Guitar solo]

[Rabbit squeaks]
[Guitar solo]

[Birds chirping]

[Car horn honking]

Man: Out of the way!

I'm sorry.
This seat is taken.

I was sitting here earlier.

I just went to get some popcorn,
and now I've returned.

Buddy, my girlfriend is sitting here.
This seat is taken.

[Dramatic music plays]

- Do you know who I am?
- Uh... no.

Duh, do you know who I am?

[Mumbles stupidly]

No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular ...

Shh, quiet!

[Whispering] No, I don't know who you
are, but I have a very particular ...

- What? I can't hear you.
- No, I don't know who you are,

but I have a very particular
set of skills ...

skills I have acquired.

Buddy, he said the seat's taken!

I was sitting here!

- Will you be quiet?!
- I was sitting here!

I'm sorry, Miss,
but that seat is taken.

Yeah, no sh*t ... by me!

Look, if you let me sit there
now, that will be the end of it.

I will not look for you.
I will not pursue you.

- But if you don't ...
- Uh, is there a problem?

- This guy is bothering us.
- Come on, buddy, find a seat.

I will find you,
and I will k*ll you!

[Taser zapping]

[Groaning]

[Engine revs]

[Fireworks popping]

We gather now to lay to rest
Evel Knievel,

who d*ed after a long struggle
with heart disease,

and I'm pretty sure what we just
did with the corpse was illegal,

but let none ever say
to us not awesome.

[Crying]
[French accent] Don't cry, my dear.

It's said the human head
remains alive

for a brief moment
after decapitation.

Once my head falls
into the basket,

allow your beauty to be
the last thing I see,

and I will bestow
one final wink upon you.

[All gasp]

I don't think he's gonna wink.

- Polly!
- Whoo!


Polly, this boat is so on fleek,

it's fleeker than
a box of corn flakes!

First of all, it's not a boat.

It's my so-hip cruise ship!
Whoo!

Polly, I see lots of accessories
but no navigation equipment.

- We could be dangerously off course!
- Whoo!

Oh, my God, you guys ... pirates!

[Foreign accent]
This vessel belong to me now!

Prepare to be boarded!

You dare to mock me with your
smiling Western faces?!

Stop making me self-conscious
about my English!

I never made it past
ESL English for Pirates!

They wanted $ per credit hour!

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Hey, boss, you are arguing
with stickers.

Go away, you nasty pirates,
or you'll be sorry!

- That's right!
- You'll be sorry!

- You better not be stickers!
- They are not stickers, boss.

Oh, you're just a bunch of girls
and effeminate boys!

- I have no rebuttal.
- Oh, go away!

Your stupid boat doesn't even
have any accessories!

Yeah, yeah, we have all the
accessories we need right here!

[Machine-g*n fire]

[Laughs]
They call those accessories?!

I'll show them accessories!

[Mechanized whirring]

Eat sh*t from
my so-hip cruise ship!

- No, boss, it's girl club!
- No, we're sinking!

[Bubbling]

Aah!
Shark B.J.!

[Screaming]

- Accessories!
- Shark food!

Um, I think we're accessories ...
to m*rder!

[Laughs]
Yeah!

♪ Polly! ♪
[Mid-tempo music plays]


That is so not fleek.

Hey, baby. The only reason
I'd kick you out of bed

would be to [bleep]
you on the floor.

Oh, dear, no.
I have a bad hip.

That's right ...
talk dirty to me.

Waffle Face, I hear
you're the best hitman

this side of Atlantic City,
but I got to ask,

how'd you get a waffle for a face?

Oh, well, originally,
I had a pancake for a face,

see, until the Triads put
my head in a waffle iron!

Ever since then ...
Waffle Face!

[Laughs maniacally]
Look at me, look!

Hey, pal, if someone asks you
how you got a waffle for a face,

I can pretty much guarantee
they ain't askin' you

to back up to the part where
you had a pancake for a face

- and now it's a waffle.
- But that's how it happened, hey.

If you're gonna make me sit
here and ask a follow-up question

as to how your head went from
a human head to a pancake head

prior to it becoming
a waffle head ...

I am gonna put a b*llet between
your big-ass cartoon eyes!

Okay, okay, okay!

My head was flattened
by a steamroller.

- That's how it became a pancake!
- Thank you.

Prior to that, it was more
of a big coffee cake. [Laughs]

I'll k*ll you!

[g*nf*re]

Man: He's expected
to break the record


for solving a Rubik's
Cube one-handed. [Buzzer]


And he did it!
[Cheers and applause]

You know, that kid is either
gonna get more [bleep]

than he can handle or he'll k*ll
himself within a week.

Smart money's on the su1c1de.

You know, we can always hope
for the [bleep]

But it's usually su1c1de.

[Coins clattering]
[Music]

_
[Gasps]

[Poink! Poink!]

"Dear Diary, the school
talent show is tomorrow,


so I spent all week writing
a stand-up comedy routine."


I just hope Patti likes it.

Oh, hey, baby!
Where you from ... Texas?

Bend over and show us
your Lone Star!

Oh!
[Drum riff]

[Mumbling]

Man: Hey, Funny!
Is your middle name Nut?


[Laughter]

Ooh!

I mean [chuckles nervously]
b*tches be crazy, huh?

Oh!

Kathy, sweetie,
that photo is years old.

You are ruining the integrity
of Tinder.

[Sighs]
Fine, just shut up already.

[Camera shutter clicks]
I look fat.

- You look beautiful. [Chimes]
- Ooh! I got a match.

His name's Bill.
Ooh!


Aah! Help!
Somebody help me!

[Bleep] you, Tinder!

[Dance music plays]

Great big fat person ...
swipe right.

Skinny man ... swipe left.

Radcliffe, it's official.
You have pregnant females.

How is that possible?

Remember, darling, only of
our dalmatians were related.

Clearly, the unrelated ones had sex!

Actually, siblings
get it on all the time.

Why, it wouldn't surprise
me if Pongo and Perdita

over there were having sex
with their own children,

- uh, likely while the others watched.
- Jesus!

Can't believe I had to give up
songwriting for a day job.

Lousy dalmatians eating
me out of house and home!

[Dogs barking]
Aah!

These things breed like fruit flies.
It's a population-control issue.

[Sighs] We were wrong to think
you were a bad person, Cruella.

[Laughs]

Oh, there's no such thing
as evil, you know?

Everyone is the hero
of their own story.

We really don't need
a sociology lesson.

[Cackles]

I love it when my wife sends
me to the ... grocery gore!

[Cackles]

Ew, tampons?

Young woman:
Wash your car, mister?


We're raising money for
Monster High's fearleading team.

[Transylvanian accent]
Oh, it'd be a bloody shame

if us ghouls couldn't raise
enough money!

Without us, how will the Mansters
ever win another casketball game?

What... the [bleep]
are you doing?!

- We're having a car wash.
- I mean the puns!

I'm the Crypt Keeper!
Slays on words are my thing!

I've never even heard of you!
Blah!

Yeah, if you don't want us to
wash that filthy piece of sh*t,

just get out of our slay.
[Laughter]

- You're so punny!
- I just made that [bleep] pun!

What the [bleep]
[School bell rings]

What the [bleep]
Hello, boys and ghouls.

What the [bleep]

Welcome to Monster High, stranger.

I'm headless
Headmistress Bloodgood.

Well, Principal Goodhead,
I'm the Crypt Keeper,

and I'm here to shut
this sh*t show down!

What ever do you mean?

The puns, man!
You're stealing my whole life!

Come on! Fearleading squad,
casketball team?!

Oh, it sounds like you want
to speak to the hizzay,

- our physical deaducation teacher.
- Oh, g*dd*mn it!

He's an invisible man.

He's fright behind you,
as a matter of fact.

[School bell rings] Listen, knob
job, either back off my schtick

or you can kiss this bulimic
emo g*ngb*ng goodbye!

Trust me, I'm a shell of a man
with nothing left to lose, and ...

and I'm talking to the air.
[Bleep] it!

[expl*si*n]
[Cackles]

Mr. Crypt Keeper,
you stand accused

of committing counts
of first-degree m*rder.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, first of all, I find
myself here in "Fright Court" ...

I told you before, this is not "Night
Court." It's just a regular court.

Well, thanks for stepping
on the bit. Can I finish?

How can I be blamed for m*rder

when the entire school
glamorized death?!

Monster High was wholesome fun!

That vampire chick, Draculara,
her daddy's Dracula!

That guy's put more high-quality gash
in the ground than plate tectonics!

[Spectators murmuring]

I don't completely understand what
you just said, but I am a vegan!

Okay, veganism was
a th-century invention.

Aren't you , years old?

What'd you snack on
for the first centuries?

You got me. [Chuckles]
Blood of the innocent.

Monster High
was a monument to m*rder!

And all I did was carry it
to its logical conclusion!

[Cheers and applause]

- Case dismissed!
- That's it?!

I had a whole bit about a
hung jury! [Cackles]

Hey, where's everyone's go...
ah, sh*t.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


Ba-gawk!
Bawk.


[Music]

[Wink]
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