09x02 - Scoot to the Gute

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Title music]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Narrator: Now back to Davenport,
the Drama Llama.

The tempter or the tempted,
who sins most?

[Spits] Tis not she ...
nor doth she tempt ...

but it is I that...
lying by the virtue of the...

sun does as the carrion and...

not as the flower,
corrupt with virtuous...

[Continuous spits]

...beauty.

[Cheers and applause]

Thanks for inviting me, Penelope.

Oh, I'm sorry ... Peppa-Mint.
So what's Chef Club about?

- Chef Club is about friendship!
- Cool!

All: And owning stuff!

Like my new
Sparkle Clean dishwasher.

[Laughing heartily] Hey, gals!
Why don't you slide

those dirty plates in me,
like you're supposed to?

I always let my husband
do the dishes. [Chuckles]

[All gasp]

She didn't mean it, Baby!

Hey, do you guys want to take a
walk or something, like, outside?

You haven't even tried out my
super rare Moonlight Dazzle Mop.

[Laughing heartily]
Drag my face on the floor!

Holy sh*t!
Okay, does he feel pain?

- Who cares?
- Yea... [Gargling]

Yeah, I think I might take off.

Aw, come on, Sara.
Sit on my face some more.

Oh, my God!
The chair talks, too?

Mm-hmm.
Just like the locks on the doors,

and the bars in the windows,
so we never,

ever, ever have
to leave our stuff again!

[All chanting] Stuff! Stuff!

Hello? Jeff?

I need you to come pick me up,
right now.

I'm your husband now, Sara.

Euuaaaggghhh!
Aah! Aah!

[All chanting] Stuff! Stuff!

[Screams]

- Ready for our first patient, Doc?
- Achoo!

I'd say he has a cold, Mom.

You're right, Doc.
What do you recommend?

Plenty of rest
and some chicken soup.

And he'll be good as ...

My baby!
She got hit by a car!

Pupils fixed and dilated.
Possible subdural hematoma.

[Gasps] We need to intubate.
Wind pipe is crushed.

Trach her!
[Gasps]

Her heart stopped!
I'm going in!

- Maybe she just needs a pick-me-up song!
- Rib spreader!

♪ A doctor's office
is a real nice place! ♪ [Grunting]

♪ A lollipop puts a smile
on your face ♪

[Exhales sharply]

Come on, breathe, damn it, breathe!
[Retches]

[Vomits, coughing]

Phew!
All in a day's work, right, kiddo?

I want to be an accountant.

I can be anything I want!

After all, we animals
overcame our baser instincts

and now we're thinking,
caring, talking creatures.

Wahhhh!
My insides are outside!

[Whimpers]
What kind of world is this?!

Eughh, bugs! Gross!
[Vipers whirring]

[Chuckling] Whoops!
Almost forgot my life preserver.

Oh, Jesus,
I just need to see this.

Oswald, you know
you're an octopus, right?

- You literally cannot drown.
- Safety first!

- Oh [bleep] me.
- [Grunts] Oohh!

Huh.
Um... Huh.

[Heavy metal music]

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs ♪

♪ What, what ♪

♪ Mutant teen
pig-people hogs are ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs ♪

♪ Road Haaaaaawgs! ♪

♪ Manpig, Pigman,
Flank, and Steve ♪

♪ They're pigs on wheels
that honk and squeal ♪

- # Road Hawgs
- Used to be human, no one fightin' #

♪ But their dad accidentally
turned them into swines ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs ♪

♪ Swallow porcine DNA ♪

♪ Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs ♪

♪ Now they're mutated
in a terrible way ♪

- # Road Hawgs #
- Hawg-tacular!

If we're ever gonna
find an antidote,

we'll need to stop
Dr. Bovine from...

- Hey, where's Flank?
- Saw him out back earlier.

Steve, have you seen Flank?

Uhh...

[Dramatic music]

- No.
- Steve?!

Guys, uh, look...

[Laughing] I just ...
I love bacon soooo much!

- It's so good!
- Us too, buddy. Us too.

- Then I guess... Let's eat, man!
- Trickin' awesome!

♪ Road Hawgs! ♪

Announcer: Brought to you by
the makers of "Cheese League."

Narrator: And now, Taking A Guess
At Shows We Don't Watch.

Nacho cheese!

Nacho cheese!

In... Seattle?

_

[Splashing water]

_

Cheese...

Seattle...
in...?

_

Oh, my God. The time!
[Gulping]

Ahh!
Shake it off!

[Bleep] keys! Ruhh!
[Glass shatters]

[Tires screech]

Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.

- Smells like beer.
- Buddy, I just forgot.

[Sighs]
You always forget.

Son...

Daddy's going through
a tough time, but...

- I love you more than life ...
- Look out!

[Screams, tires screeching]

Please, God!
Someone help me!

- My son needs a doctor! Please!
- I can help!

- You can? Are you a doctor?!
- Yes, my friend.

My name is Dr.
Sunjayvandanacandanapecarpecar.

Huh?!

_

Welcome to Westworld,

where you can you live out
your every fantasy.

This better be good, Ford.

I present to you our very first
host, Dolores, generation one.

She's... so... lifelike!

No, no, no. Not "she."
It.

We must never forget that
the hosts are not real.

I mean, I'll try, but...
Wow.

[Clears throat] Dolores, take one.
Howdy, y'all!

Can they, you know, uhhhh,
have... sex?

Why don't you ask it?

Hello, Dolores?
You look lovely.

May we have
sexual intercourse?

[Take recorder rewinding]
Yes ... to the thing you said!

Whoo! Ow! All right!
Don't wait up!

[Door opens, slams shut]

Imagine a whole world
of these hosts.

[Grunting]
Catering to your every ...

[Moaning, air hissing]
I broke it.

Also, the tape recorder gave me
a gash on my forehead.

[Tape recorder rewinding]

[Mumbling nonsensically]

[Tape recorder rewinds]

[Mumbling nonsensically]

Huh.
That's a boner k*ller.

Wow, I can't believe I'm
finally getting Lasik surgery!

Wow, I can't believe they sold
a laser to a rabbit!

Hi, we're the American Pickers,
cruising the country

and learning about history

while digging through
other people's junk.

Mind if we come in
and have a look around?

[Mumbling]

- Whoa, Frankie, do you see that?
- Yeah, Mike. I do.

Goldstein Brothers
cast-iron stove.

In the stove-picking game,
this is the holy grail.

So what would you need
for the stove? $ ?

[Chain saw buzzing]

- Wow!
- As usual, Frankie comes out

the gate with a low-ball offer
and nearly blows the whole pick.

What about these meat hooks?

Would you take... $ apiece?

[Mumbling agreeably]

I'm a meat-hook guy.

Meat hooks are big sellers
in our Nashville store.

I got Leatherface to
come down on the stove,

and even though it cost me
an arm, it didn't cost me a leg.

That's what I call a good pick!

_

__

_

Woman: What happens when
four best friends

write each other letters
about how they really feel?

[Music]

The letters have been delivered.

"We're best friends, and I love you."
Aw!

"But I have to tell you
that you're weak.

I mean, I've heard
of damsels in distress,

but you make Princess Peach
look like Ronda Rousey"?

What?
Okay, who wrote this?

Can't wait for that letter.
[Chuckles heartily]

"For the love of God,
get some [bleep] contacts."

That's all they wrote?

"I think you two have
a serious addiction problem."

Like, oh, boy, Scoob.

They're sayin' we gotta stop
eatin' Scooby Snacks!

They rrha'?!

[Chuckles] What do you
mean I don't have a letter?

Man: Um, the show is only
about four best friends.

[Chuckles nervously]
You're kidding, right?

I didn't make the cut?

Did the dog make the cut?

Woman: Each friend has one week
to improve themselves.

I can't believe they called me
a damsel in distress.

[Train whistle approaching]

Wait a minute...

[Chuckling]
This is not my yoga class.

- Give us the mic!
- Give me my letter!

Like, dude, we can do it, old pal.

Just one week.
With nuh... with no ...

With no [bleep]
Scooby Snacks, man!

Like, I'm freakin' out!
[Bleep] No!

Woman: It's been a week since
the g*ng received their letters.

Let's see if they fixed their flaws.

Like, man, I will sell you a
body part for one Scooby Snack!

I'd rrhuck your rrhick!
[Sobs]

Guys... I got Lasik!

- Rra'?!
- They're still healing.

[Door bursts open]

[Grunts]

Enough sittin' around,
sh*t for brains!

- Let's do this!! [Grunts]
- Ow!

Hmm...
if the owner d*ed a decade ago,

why start haunting now?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you talking to me?

- The fifth wheel? Because ...
- Let's get this son of a bitch!

- Hey!
- Who's your mother?!

- Ow!
- Yeah! Get over here!

[Glass shatters]
[Grunting]

Now let's see who
the "ghost" really is.

[Grunting]

[All gasping]
[Vomits]

Butler.
Called it.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.