09x03 - Things Look Bad for the Streepster

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

- [Giggles] You do it!
- No, you do it!

Okay, okay, shh.

Oh, my God! [Laughs]
Oh, my God!

We are so bad!

[Music]

[Squeaky video game-style speech] _


[Music]

[Music]
_
[Music]

[Whirring]

[Warble!]

[Zap!]

[Whoosh!]

Announcer: Three, two, one...

Go!

[Music]

Eat my hot Italian sausage!

[Roars]
Now that's a spicy burn!

[Warble!]

What the f*ck
are we doing here?

[Groans]

- Get her!
- It's not fair!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Tires screech]
Wah! Hop on kid!

[Engine revs]

_

Don't thank Wario yet!
Wah!

Daniel,
meet King Friday's niece.

- I'm Tina, and I'm years old.
- Tina, if you're my age,

why do you look like
a grown-up woman lady?

- I started developing when I was .
- Well, that's how old I am.

How come I don't
have lady balloons?

Well, Daniel, Tina has
something called

precocious puberty.

♪ Everybody's gonna grow ♪

♪ that's a fact that we all know ♪

♪ There's no shame in letting
nature have its way ♪

♪ Hormones in us
cause these surges ♪

♪ We get pubes, we get urges ♪

♪ And it's beautiful,
no matter what they say ♪

♪ Most are changing 'round ♪

♪ That's the average and the mean ♪

♪ Unless you've got
precocious puberty ♪

- Okay but...
- # Could be hormones in our food #

♪ Could be nature being rude ♪

♪ No one knows what
causes this calamity ♪

♪ Yes, Tina's got
precocious puberty ♪

♪ Boys and girls as young as ♪

- # Growing breasts and shaggy floors... #
- Got it dude.

Am I gonna get
p-p-precosis prububerty?

Well, it's very rare in tigers, son.

Wait, aren't tigers usually
fully grown at Daniel's age?

Yes, that's true,
but Daniel's got...

- # Dwarfism, dwarfism #
- Whaaa...

The new iPhone is better
than ever and available now

on the America's
largest digital network.

Bitch Puddin': Damn!
[Record scratches]

Who put a blue shirt
on a big pile of sh*t?

- Oh, no, that's just Lily.
- Um, who are you?

Didn't I introduce myself?

Mother f*ckin' Bitch mother
f*ckin' Puddin', y'all!

[Farts]

Oh, my gosh.
Please leave the store.

f*ck nah cum chugger.
Let me explain this shiz.

"Robot Chicken"
is owned by Adult Swim,

which is owned by Time Warner
which is now owned by,

dun-da-na-na,
your company.

Which makes you and me
co-workers c**t face.

- Blam!
- If that's true,

you're making
a terrible first impression

on the people
who sign your paychecks.

I never thought about it that way.
You're right c**t face.

- Now, with our new data plan...
- Blam!

- What the...
- I never learn sh*t! Ho.

- It's my job to freeze you.
- Okay, that's your job,

- but what's your passion?
- To dance!

[Laughs]
[Music]

Paul and Sarah, ready to go
inside the video game

and battle Zomax
in the wizard level?

Inside the video game?!

The technology does exist!

[Laughs]

Hands on buzzers.

- What was the video game that...
- Yoshi's Island. [Ding!]

- This early Atari...
- Pong. [Ding!]

- She was the titular character...
- Mayim Bialik. [Ding!]

He's not even letting me
hear the questions.

Good Burger. Alf.
The Challenger expl*si*n.

- f*ck this.
- You know what that means.

Red Team, you're going
into the video game!

Oh f*ck yes! I win!

What the hell is this?

Digitize me.
I want to meet Sonic!

Uh-oh, here come the snakes!

Uh, what snakes?
This is just a green room.

Fireballs! Watch out!

What? There's no f...
Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Why is this like this?
- Time's almost up.

Better climb up that ladder
and vanquish Zomax.

Hey, Zomax.
You're going down!

- Push him off that platform!
- Uh... no.

Destroy Zomax and win!

[Laughs]

I don't want...
I don't want to...

Okay, I'm sorry!

[Hoots]

[Dramatic music]

You won a free dinner
at Ponderosa Steakhouse!

- Wow!
- No sides.

Aw.

[British accent] Madame, have no fear.

I shall solve
your husband's m*rder.

I think I figured it out.
'Twas a sex game gone wrong!

[Dramatic sting plays]

Yeah! Don't tell my wife.

Choke me, baby!
Harder.

Yeah!
Let's get dangerous!

Ha-ha!

Careful, baby,
one wrong move and...

[Dramatic sting plays]

- Elementary, my dear.
- Thank you, kind sir.

Now I know the truth,

but I'm afraid I have no money
to pay you for your services.

Well, I'm sure
we can work something... out.

Yes, yes, oh, just like that.

- Oh, the danger makes it so...
- Eh, yeah, okay.

♪ Harp seal with a harpsichord ♪
[Plays piano]

♪ It's a Harp seal
with a harpsichord ♪

♪ It's a Harp seal
with a harpsichord ♪

Announcer: Karen wanted to
grow up a little too fast.

I hate being !

Announcer: Until she wished on
an old Civil w*r coin...

Let me be a grown-up already.

Announcer:
...and woke up years later.

Oh, my God. I have boobs.
I have a house.

- I have a bestie!
- Mom, I'm gonna be late for school!

Announcer:
But she's about to find out

life as a grown-up isn't
all it's cracked up to be...

I miss being a kid.

Announcer: ...and get a second
chance to be young.

You have no idea
what it's like to be a kid!

That's all I know, you idiot!

I'd give anything
to be your age again.

[Sparkle!]

But what if the thing
you really wanted...

[Both groaning]

...was the thing you got the
first time you made a wish...

Oh, hell yes!
I'm in my daughter's body.

Announcer: ...and then traded it
away with your second wish...

I just woke up spooned
by Dad's half-chub!

Give me back my body,
you succubus bitch!

Go to hell, cutter.
I'm gonna live forever!

...but wished for again
the third time around, and...

Holy sh*t!
This is f*ckin' confusing, guys.

Karen: I wish I were big

enough to b*at up
my dickhead goth daughter.

What am I?!

_

Announcer: From the network
that brought you "The Wiz Live"

and something vaguely
resembling "Peter Pan"

comes another live
Broadway on TV experience.

Yes, it's the sights,
sounds, and smells of

Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"
in your home!

On broadcast night,
thousands of performers

will be disbursed through the sewers,

climb up through your pipes,
and into your hearts!

♪ It's midnight ♪

♪ I am dying at midnight ♪

♪ I'm old Deuteronomy ♪

♪ I dump with econom... ♪
Oh, God, my eyes!

♪ I'm the Rum Tum Tugger,
what you think about... ♪ Ah!

Good news and bad news.

"Cats Live" got the biggest
ratings in history,

however, we've got over ,

dead and maimed "Cats" performers.

That's almost everyone who's
ever performed in that musical.

What's the bad news?

My hedges!

Shoo! Shoo!
You get away from my hedges!

[Music]

Sorry, guys.
I'm just not feeling it today.

Wow, Jabberjaw.

Maybe all our late-night gigs
are getting to you.

What you need is a vacation.

But what about the band?
We got gigs!

Don't worry, buddy. Take a few days,
find a nice resort, and chill.

You aren't using this
as an excuse

to find another drummer, are you?

[Laughter]

Oh, boy!
Relaxation, here I come!

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Hey, friend, can you tell me...

Hey! Not even a sharkly hello?

No respect, no respect at all!

Ooh, free chum!
Don't mind if I do.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Hello.
A go-go dancer in a cage!

Good thing I brought plenty of singles!
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Oh, no, he's trapped!

Never fear, Jabberjaw is here!

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
What... Not even a thank you?

I tell you, I get no respect.

[Screams]

- That's a -footer.
- ! tons of...

No, wait, he appears to be
feet at best.

My mistake.

Hey, what's the big idea
sh**ting barrels at...

- Oh, no, look out!
- [Screams] Shark BJ!

[Laughs] No way! I'm straight.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Oh, dear.
He's not moving, is he?

Ohhhh, yikes.

Oh, I'll get the chair
for this for sure!

Unless...

No witnesses!

Smile you son of a...
[Boom]

That shark left
a sh*t-ton of singles!

It's weird how Jabberjaw
never came back.

Should we look for him?

What? No. He was a crappy
drummer anyway.

Count us off, Bruce!

[Growling]
[Music]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.