01x03 - If You're Reading This, It's Too Late

[bunniefuu]

♪ And you are unforgettable ♪

ZOEY: So, I was in love.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Right now ♪

That's a normal thing to say

after your first kiss with a guy, right?

♪ Feelin' like I'm fresh out,
Boosie ♪

♪ After all the drama, got the U*i ♪

♪ Ship the whole crew
to the cruise ship ♪

♪ Doing... you don't even see
in movies ♪

♪ Ride with me, ride with me, boss ♪

♪ I got a hard head, but her... soft ♪

♪ She want the last name
with the ring on it ♪

♪ 'Cause I pulled out a million cash ♪

♪ Told her to plank on it ♪

JAZZ: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun.

Yo, did you guys see the way
Omar was all up on me?

No, but I did see
the way Omar was all up on me.

Wait. Which one was Omar?

Oh, I think he's the one
that's calling me right now.

You know those nights
you ever want to end?

Well, in college, they don't have to.

♪ You ain't enough for me ♪

It's when the party ends that
the night's just beginning.

♪ Baby go and grab some bad...
bring 'em home ♪

♪ Know the jet's on me ♪

♪ I'ma curve my best for you ♪

Everybody's trying to hook up,
especially the ones

who might have had
a little too much to drink.

♪ Unforgettable ♪

But if colleges didn't want
students hooking up,

they wouldn't give us beds
and rooms with lockable doors,

so really, that's on you, college.

♪ No, no ♪

And as next-level as
this all seems, surprisingly,

hooking up can really just
come down to three letters.

♪♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'ma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

I had gotten a few "U up?"
texts from Aaron before,

but this one felt different.

And I knew before I answered it,

I could use some advice.

I need my girls.

Sweetie, this better be good.

She's a gymnast.

- I work at Chipotle.
- Really?

But you're so, like, bendy.

Okay, guys, I need your help.

Aaron sent me a... "U up?" text.

Unh-unh, I know she ain't dragged
us out of our rooms for that.

No, 'cause that would be crazy.

And she is not a crazy person.

But yet, here we are.

Look, I'm sorry I pulled you two
away from "Basketball Wives".

We were watching "Big Bang Theory",

- you r*cist [Bleep].
- Oh.

- You feel good about yourself?
- Not really.

Look, this is the fourth "U up?"
he sent me this week,

and I don't know.

I'm just a little concerned.

Am I becoming his "U up?" bitch?

- I mean, if you're lucky.
- I'm being serious.

No, so am I. I mean,
she's my "U up?" bitch,

and it's been... spectacular.

O-Okay.

But there's just something
that feels wrong

about him only texting me at night.

Well, what did you do
the other three times

he texted you, "U up?"

Well, the first time, we fooled around,

and the second time, we fooled around,

and the third time...

oh yeah, actually, uh, nothing happened.

I wasn't up.

You're in his head.

It just means he can't get any sleep

because he's too busy
thinking about you.

Aww, I actually think it's romantic.

Girl, there ain't nothing
romantic about a "U up?" text.

Facts... a "U up?" text might
as well be a Chris Brown song.

It's his last-resort move.

And it's late,

and he's dropping as many lines
in the water as possible.

And if you respond to it,
what does that say about you?

Says she's a sexually liberated woman

who doesn't care about labels.

Look, you're in college now, okay?

You can vote, you can buy an AR- .

A little "d" 's not going to k*ll you.

- Or a big one.
- What? No, no.

We're just strictly hooking up.

♪♪

Zoey, what does "hooking up"
mean to you?

Making out and stuff.

This girl's gone.

Zoey, hooking up
is not "making out and stuff",

unless the stuff is sex.

ANA: Uh, maybe for you.

To me, "hooking up" can be
just meeting up with someone.

Like, I hooked up
with my uncle last night.

We didn't do anything sexual,

we just had dinner in his hotel suite.

Uh...

Uh, o-okay.
"Hooking up" is always sexual.

But it doesn't mean sex.

Okay.

My head is about to explode,

and I'm pretty sure
Ana's dating her uncle.

There's no way guys talk about
this stuff, right?

I mean, I doubt Aaron's
somewhere stressing like I am.

I'm totally stressing right now, man.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

Maybe she thought the sex was garbage.

No, we didn't smash.

You said you "hooked up".

No, I said we "messed around".

Oh, so you got some top-shelf action.

No, if I had done that,

I would have said, "We just kicked it".

You act like you've been here
before, man, please.

This is why I don't mess with texting.

It leaves things
too open for interpretation.

This is why I just fire off dong pics.

Pics? W...

How many pics do you have?

Well, depends.

Are you talking, like, straight-on?

You know, from the side?

Dude, why?

I just... I feel like
there's nothing pretty about,

you know, your appendage.

Oh, I disagree.

With strategic manscaping,
solid lighting...

your d*ck'll bring a woman to tears.

The good kind.

I'm, like, laying out the blueprint

for how I've put together

one of the best nudie banks in the game.

Dude, what are you saying
to me right now?

A "nudie bank"
is not a collection of nudes

you send to chicks.

It's a collection of nudes
that chicks send to you.

Okay. That's...

No, I'm... I'm serious, bro.
That's what it is.

You sound crazy right now.

- That's not what a nudie bank is.
- Okay.

No, that's exactly what it is, my guy.

♪♪

I hate him.
Okay, I hate him, but he's right.

♪♪

Oh, my gosh!

What are you saying right now?!

What I'm saying is that
when it gets to that point,

- anything goes.
- No!

A third hookup means top stuff only...

shirt off, bra on.

- Maybe in fifth grade.
- Wait, fifth grade?

- Yeah, remember little Rico? Mm-hmm.
- With baby teeth?

Okay, I do not want
to hear about little Rico.

And, guys, it has been
an hour and a half

since he texted me...

Am. I. Up?

- Yes!
- No.

If she responds now,
she'll look like a ho.

- How? She really likes him.
- I do.

It's : in the morning.

Yeah, ho time. She blew it.

The twins are right. I blew it.

ANA: Maybe not.

The fact that you haven't responded yet

is actually a good thing.

- Go on.
- As women, we're always having to

bend to the will
of the man. It's bullshit.

For once, we should make them sweat.

In fact, I bet you

he's over in his dorm
sweating right now.

♪♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

Aaron is one of the hottest guys
at this school.

- Yes.
- And there's nothing more powerful

than treating him like he's not.

- It's the ultimate power move.
- Yes, yes.

I am making power moves.

Ana, you are a genius.

This is such a good idea.

This is such a mistake.

Good afternoon, Nabisco reps.

WOMAN: That your day job, Mr. Telphy?

Right.

Sorry.

That explains why you all
aren't -year-old white women

with Ziploc bags full of Triscuits.

Good evening.

Now, before we begin today's class on...

the films of O.J. Simpson,

I have a little housecleaning
I'd like to get out the way.

A student came to me with a concern,

and for the sake
of his Southeast Asian identity,

I won't be using his real name.

Let's just call him "Trivek".

Trivek wanted some clarification
on what a nudie bank is.

So, if you ever see Trivek,

let him know that I got that
clarification for him, okay?

Okay, now, back to these O.J. films.

We're going to start with sexy
O.J. down to silly to cynical.

You went to Professor Telphy?

You brought this on yourself, man.

Hate to agree with, uh, Blade,
but this one's on you.

Well, here we go.

Time to see if my power-move game

works on a collegiate level.

[SNIFFS]

♪♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪♪

- What's up?
- Hey.

Feeling the shirt.

Oh, this old thing?

It's just Heron Preston.

Something light.

It's dope, though. Looks good.

Like, really, really good.

Power moves, b*tches.

♪♪

♪♪

Sick power move...

like, really, really sick.

Sorry.

♪♪

The thing about a power move is,

sometimes they turn out to be
not so powerful.

Sometimes, they even result in your guy

going out with a girl
who looks like you.

Well, you on a bad day.

[SIGHS] You with a ton of makeup on.

Basically, you in special effects.

But hopefully, Aaron is smart enough

to see through the caked-on makeup.

And he went home alone.

Had some Top Ramen

and now is in his room
reading a Ta-Nehisi Coates book,

wishing he had the company
of an intelligent,

beautiful young girl in a dope shirt.

♪♪

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Say we got married.

Where would we live?
I'm West Coast 'til I D-I-E.

But I remember you said you had
an aunt in South Carolina.

I guess I could do East Coast
for a few years.

We should really talk about it.

♪♪

About the whole South Carolina thing...

how are the public schools?

They might be good now,
but what about when A.J....

Aaron, Jr.... starts there?

I feel like we really jumped
the g*n with the kids thing.

We shouldn't even consider it

until we find out what
illnesses run in our family.

The Johnsons are riddled with scoliosis.

♪♪

I know tonight was a little intense,

but I feel like we really had
some hard conversations

that needed to be had.

Anyway, why don't you give me a call,

and we can talk about it?

- [SIGHS]
- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS]

♪♪

Aaron, this isn't working out.
I'm sorry.

We're just on
two totally different tracks.

We're both good people,

but that doesn't mean
we're good for each other.

Here's a list of songs that say
it better than I ever could.

♪♪

♪♪

So, I had a bit of a text meltdown.

Happens to the best of us.

It's not going to be the end of me.

[SIGHS] I know my girls will understand.

Oh, my gosh.

It's... It's funny, right?

Oh, we think it's hilarious,

but, like, in the same way

that we think "Get Out" is funny.

Yeah, Zoey, this is some scary sh*t.

You texted Aaron a LinkedIn request?

So, I'm crazy for wanting
to increase his access

to thousands of professionals
in the network?

Hold up.

You asked if you wanted to go in
on a joint checking account?

It's better to start early.

And this text just says, "Free Smoke".

But I love that song.

NOMI: You're going to have to
fake your own death,

- but, like, immediately.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, my God.

I have to fake my death.

[DOOR OPENS, CHATTER IN DISTANCE]

Oh, good. You're alive.

We were worried about
you doing something.

AARON: Hey, what up, y'all?
It's Aaron, up in Buffalo Wild Wings.

It's lit, come through!

Desperate?

This isn't what it looks like.

This is exactly what it looks like.

But I'm not crazy. Aaron is subbing me.

Just look at his latest post.

All it says is, "Mood forever".

You see the rose emoji, though?

Uh-huh?

I am the rose.

Oh.

- Yeah. I'm the rose, right?
- Ohh.

Or is he the rose?

No.

Or are we the rose?

Zoey.

Aww, you beautiful...

beautiful, sweet mess.

There are a million ways
to look into these things,

but you got to pull yourself together.

You cannot let
this one catastrophic moment

control your life.

You're better than that!

Yeah. You are so right.

You are so right.

I am better than that.

I am Zoey Johnson.

I don't get stole on, I steal!

There you go!

I have to focus on why I'm here
in the first place...

to get an education
and become a better person.

Boom, yes.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

Hey, Luca!

Yes, I am up.

I am so up!

♪♪

The upside about humiliating yourself

in front of the guy you like

is that you can still hang out
with the other guy you like.

I don't want to be that girl,

but what are we doing
in an abandoned warehouse?

You'll see.

ZOEY: Okay.

Honestly, where are we?

Mnh-nh-nh.

What's this?

Some sort of challenge?

Could be.

You got to know which one to turn.

♪♪

Wait. Is that Kid Ink?

- KID INK: Yo, mike check, one, two.
- Yep.

Yo, I want to think everybody
for coming out one time.

It's your boy, Kid Ink.

Yo, man, let's get to it one time.

♪ ...how she want with no strings ♪

♪ She say she need the real,
I just say I need a freak ♪

♪ Hit it, no strings,
I just pull her by the weave ♪

♪ Lil' lean up in a liter,
I just put her back to sleep ♪

♪ Late Saturday night,
she might feel it for a week ♪

♪ Move that body 'round,
she my puppet in the sheets ♪

♪ Legs up,
I just eat it like it Philippe ♪

♪♪

♪ You know where to... ♪

♪ Flip flop on her, baby,
yeah, no strings ♪

♪ You... so Pinocchio,
she don't want no strings ♪

♪ boomin',
b*at it up with no strings ♪

♪ I'ma give it to her
how she want with no strings ♪

Oh, my God. Luca.

No, Luca!

How crazy is it that you and Kid Ink

have the same tattoo of the
anatomical dissection of a dog?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CELLPHONE WHOOSHES]

Wait.

Uh...

Let me call you right back.

♪♪

So, I was on the phone with Luca
when I got this.

♪♪

Boom, b*tches.
Guess who's got the juice now?

♪♪

Just to clarify, I have the juice.

♪♪

So, it's easy to be a player these days,

and a smartphone is a big part of it.

It allows you to get creative
in ways you can't imagine.

Like, take this picture.

It was me and Aaron hanging out
and looking cute as hell,

but the world can't know that.

No face, no case.

Then, there's assigning each guy

his own individual ringtone.

This one was for Luca.

[DUCK QUACKING]

[CHUCKLES] Do you pay
attention in Digital Strategies?

- [ALARM BLARING]
- No.

Are... Are you going to get that?

Oh, no.

It's my annoying little brother.

And that one is for Aaron.

And then, there's geotagging,

which helps keep the two guys you like,

who don't like each other,

from having a "meet-not-so-cute".

- It's this way, right?
- Oh, no. No.

But you have to be careful
with all of this.

The same technology that was your friend

can also be your enemy.

You know what's going on.
I want to flex some.

I'm with bae, you know.

Yo, you know it's... What the hell?

That lighting wasn't good for you.

Excuse me, Zoey.

All lighting is good for me.

- Hmm.
- That's a fact.

It can all get away from you quickly.

[LAUGHS] You are crazy.

- I did not say that.
- Very quickly.

Hey, can I call you back in a second?

I've got to... take a shower.

Sure.

Hey, so we're still going to
catch that movie on Thursday?

Thursday?

No, we're going up
to my boy's show on a Friday.

Oh, [SCOFFS] right. Silly me.

Yo, can I Skype you in a second?

My conn... trash.

Oh, yeah. Do your thing.

Ah.

[RINGING]

- That was a quick shower.
- Oh, yeah.

I-I do not mess around in there,

- just like to get right to it.
- Your hair isn't wet,

and why are you still wearing
the same clothes?

I wasn't that dirty.

[SKYPE RINGING]

Yo, is that... is that Luca?

- Why is Luca calling you?
- What? No.

What would make you think that?

What the...?

Wow.

I know you ain't talking to this clown.

Clown? I'm the clown, bro?

You look like Willow Smith.

I look like Willow Smith?

Bro, you built like a tall Jaden.

- ZOEY: [SCOFFS] Guys.
- I don't understand that.

You went to the barber and said,
"[Bleep] my sh*t up, bro.

- I don't know what I want today".
- Guys.

You got the mullet in the back
with the fade on the side.

How you want to be a redneck

and you want to be black
at the same time, bro?

Guys, am... am I sensing
just a friendship forming?

Zoey, I can't believe you.

Yeah, you're whack.

And just like that, I lost them both.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Like I said,

it's almost impossible
to be a player these days.

DEAN PARKER: [SIGHS] What's his name?

I've been at this school long enough,

and I've seen that face a million times.

It's always about a boy.

This one's about two. Oh, my.

So, against my better judgment,
I opened up to Dean Parker

and told him the whole story.

So it all blew up in my face,

and now neither one of them
want anything to do with me.

[SIGHS]

The key to a relationship
is communication,

and the key to communication is...

there is no key.

It's the most imperfect thing

that we, as human beings, have.

At the end of the day,

all you can do is be honest.

Give yourself a break.

Surprisingly, he actually had
some really helpful advice.

Communication is a tricky thing,

and the only way to keep relationships

from blowing up in my face
is to be honest.

And at the end of the day,

it didn't matter if I was up
or making power moves.

I just needed to stick with my girls.

♪ Coming on smoothe silk
coming mask yo face ♪

That's the thing about college, though.

You really do make friends
that will last a lifetime.

Guys come and go,

and I was ready to let them go
for a long time.

I'm sorry.

Do you know where the library is?

Hey, you guys go on ahead, okay?

♪♪

Zoey Johnson.

Zoey Johnson, I'm Cash.

♪♪

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

That was long enough.