09x15 - Jew No. 1 Opens a Treasure Chest

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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09x15 - Jew No. 1 Opens a Treasure Chest

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whirring]
[Theme music]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Okay, well, we have
the day ahead of us.

Let's figure this out.
What do we want to eat tonight?

- Breakfast for supper!
- No, we're not doing that.

Breakfast for supper!
Breakfast for supper!

Breakfast for supper!

Well, I guess technically
it is his last meal, so...

- Say what?!
- I was just talking to myself.

[Music]

Daedalus: Icarus, don't fly
too close to the sun.


Yeah, whatever, Daedalus!
Whoa!

Yeah!

Icarus forever, mother[bleep].

[Music]

♪ I will widen your eyes ♪

♪ See so many wonders ♪

♪ Multiple wonders ♪

Oh!
Ow, ow, ow!

[Cat screeches, crashing]

[Both scream]

Get the [bleep] out of here!

Helga was always a little off.

Nobody knew about her shrine to
Arnold until after high school.

But by then, it was too late.

[Paper tears]
[Music]

Hey, Arnold.
Now my shrine is complete.

[Groans]

Now we are one.

Would you [bleep] me?
I'd [bleep] me.

- Oh, uh, are we making toast in here?
- I'm gonna need you to be

an extra-brave little toaster
today, okay?

Certainly.
Won't your toast get soggy?

[Both screaming,
electricity crackling]

Oh, Tarzan, how do you
feel safe here

among all the wild
beasts of the jungle?

Animals understand Tarzan.

- Oh, tigers! Oh, no!
- Oh, Tarzan talk to them.

_

- What are they saying?
- Ha ha ha.

Tigers never shut up
about their cubs.

Youngest cub just
graduate cub school.

Oh, that is just darling.

_
[Growling]

Oh, my!

You disrespect Tarzan
in front of Tarzan's woman?!

Now Tarzan b*at your ass!

[Grunting]

Oh, Tarzan!

They looked like they were
about to eat us both.

Jane safe with Tarzan around.

- Tarzan, talk to them.
- Uh, Tarzan not speak cannibal.

[Video game music]

Driver: Are you the young man who
b*at the high score on this game?


- Yes.
- Then come with me!

I created the Starfighter game as
a test to find the perfect recruit.

You'll use all the battle skills
you've acquired

- to help save my planet! Interested?
- Yeah, sure.

You ever flown light speed?
Yeah!

[Farts]

Are you the one
who b*at the high score

- on the Fart Collector game?
- Uh, I'll pass.

But you could help save
the lives of millions of farts.

It's a hard pass.

Pizza Tots are ready.

Careful, Oscar, those Pizza Tots
are hot out of the oven.

I'll be fine, Mom.
Shut the [bleep] up!

[Munching]

How's the Pizza Tot, dear?

Announcer: Pizza Tots!
From the makers of Pizza Pockets!


They're not for pussies.
They're for yo' mouth!


Announcer: Little Miss Muffet
sat on her tuffet,


eating her curds and whey.

Along came a radioactive
spider to bite her.


Now Spider-Muffet
web-slings away!


k*lled by a lightning strike
to the brain, d*ed instantly.

Totally avoidable.

That's why you don't
wear a tin helmet

- when you're flying through the clouds.
- Poor Grover.

Wait, Super Grover's
secret identity was Grover?

[Groans]

Announcer: Hey, diddle, diddle,
the cat and the fiddle.


The cow jumped over the moon.

[Mooing]

Man: Cow, this is Houston.

Mission abort.
Repeat ... mission abort.


Debris from m*ssile strike
has caused a chain reaction.


Traveling faster than
a b*llet right at you!


Moo?

[Music]
[Grunts]

Moo! Moo! Moo!

Mooooo!

- I've got you.
- Moo.

Moooo!

Hang on!

[Grunts]

Oh, gross!

I have to let go.
The wires can't hold us both.

- Moo!
- You're gonna make it, Cow.

You're gonna jump over that moon
and get back to Earth.

Just promise me
you'll never give up.

Moo, moo, moo.

I'll miss you, too.
Goodbye!

Moo!

Announcer: And the dish
ran away with the spoon...


Mm! Mm!

But they didn't get far.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[Door creaks]

[Silence]

[Door creaks]

[Heart b*ating]
[Music]

Should we really be doing this?
I don't know if I'm ready.

We shouldn't do anything
if you're not ready.

Let's rejoin our friends.
I'll play you a song on my acoustic.

[Guitar plays]

[Clapping]

Ha! Awesome!

Hey, anyone want to light up
some dank ganja with me?

No, thanks! I'm high on the fun
we're having right now.

Actually, I have something
even better than weed.

[Music]

The word of our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ.

And they all went to bed
at a reasonable hour...

and picked up all their litter
before leaving!

[All scream]

Wait a minute!
You can talk?

Calvin, do you want to pee on me?

Ugh! Susie, I did not
agree to those decals!

Some douche nozzle used
my likeness without permission,

and suddenly, those things
were everywhere, okay? God!

Okay, but... if you wanted to,
you could tell me.

I'm not interested
in peeing on my wife.

- How about now?
- Oh [bleep].

Ford. Uh, maybe...

Hey, Calvin,
I'm just gonna bounce.

Hey, let's play
Don't Wake Daddy.

Hey, didn't her daddy die?

[Thunder crashes]

Okay, I'm first.
[Gasps] Ooh.


Ha! You have to press
Daddy's alarm clock, Alexis.

- Will he wake up?
- Don't do it, Alexis.

Oh, please.
It's totally fine.

[Alarm ringing, thunder crashes]

[Screaming]

[Laughs]

I told you not to wake Daddy!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Aah!

Hello!
We're the Parker Brothers.

Hey, why'd you wake Daddy?

The game's literally called
"Don't Wake Daddy."

- Then why did you even make it?
- Oh, funny story, actually.

It all started at a wine and fancy
cheese party we were invited to.

[Growls]
My neck!

Anyway, it started out like any
other fancy wine and cheese party.

Shut up!
How do we k*ll the zombie?

- With a trap ... a mouse trap!
- Jesus H. Christ.

[Music]

[Snarling]

Now!

[Snarling]
Oh!

Knew it!
Mouse Trap never works.

No, it works.
It just takes an incredibly long

time for a very small payoff.
Oh, I'm dead.

[Laughs evilly]

Now Daddy and I will
be together forever!

Guess I'm in Trouble, huh?

Sorry I tried to end
your game of Life.

- You Hungry, Hungry Hippo.
- Daddy!

Jenga, bitch!

Announcer:
Make it a Parker Brothers night!


And I'm still dead.

[Crying]
I don't want to take a nap.

I want to play outside.

[Crying] Oh!
What happened to my life?!

I wanted to be a stock car racer!

How did seconds of pleasure

turn into this never-ending
nightmare?! [Crying]

Daddy, there, there.

[Laughing]
[Music]

[Sighs] Alexa, stop the music.
Oh, this plan is idiotic.

Pretending to haunt this property

so my business partner
would sell me his half?

He's not a child,
for Christ's sakes.

Oh [bleep] it.

I'm burning it down
and retiring to West Palm Beach.

[Laughing]

By this time next month,

I'll just be sunning myself,
boobs everywhere the ...

What?
Those ghost-hunting teenagers.

Well, you don't suppose they ...
Oh, no!

Kids?! [Coughing]
Kids, are you in here?!

[Music]

No! Oh, no!
You poor, stupid children.

Like, dude, help!

I can't carry you both.
Come on, kid!

No! [Coughs]
Save Scooby-Doo.

What?! You have your
whole life ahead of you.

That dog looks middle-aged already.

I can't live [Coughs]
without him.

[Crashing]

Sir, anyone alive in there?

A boy.
He made me save the dog.

Wait, you saved the dog
instead of the boy?

- Are you out of your mind?!
- [sobbing] Yes! Yes, I think I might be.

_

In the end, they blamed
the whole thing on my partner.

He want to prison,
and I got all the money.

Ha! And all it cost was...
four young lives.

Let me ask you, stranger,

could God ever forgive me
for these sins?

- Raybe Rod ran, but I rant.
- You?!

[Gurgling]

[Chuckles]
[Slurps]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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