09x17 - Your Mouth Is Hanging Off Your Face

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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09x17 - Your Mouth Is Hanging Off Your Face

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whirring]
[Theme music]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Hey, did somebody down here
order a pizza?

- Oh, whoa!
- Cowabunga, dude!

Uh, oops.
I, like, left my cash inside.

Why don't you come in while I,
like, grab it.

Oh, bummer!
I can't find my cash.

How else can I, like, pay you?

Uh, bro, I don't know what's
happening, but I'm a hard pass.

[All chuckling]
[Claps]

Yeah.
Great job, Mikey.

That schtick always
gets us free pizza.

[Chuckles]
[Chuckles] Yeah, that was my goal.

One day, someone will make
me come out of my shell.

Uh, yeah, I'm supposed
to meet Melanie here?

I'm ... I'm Melanie.

You don't look anything like
your pictures online.

Wait, did you human me?

[Music]

Happy Easter, kids!
And don't forget the true

meaning of the holiday ...
chocolate and Easter egg hunts.

- Yay!
- Who's next?

Oh, that would be me.

Chocolate and Easter egg hunts, huh?

Nothing about a certain someone

dying for a certain
everyone's sins?!

[Bleep] off, man.
It's just business.

Hey, is there a problem...
Ow!

Ow, my [bleep] hand!

[Sobbing]
Hey, hey!

[Music]

[Grunting]

Happy Easter!

All right!
Look, I'm sorry, man. I just ...

I couldn't turn down $ a day.

You committed this blasphemy
for $ a day?!

Happy Easter!
Ho ho ho!

Eggs!
We're splitting it - , right?

Uh, - , Bugs.
I rose from the [bleep] dead.

Jeepers, you're
Unsinkable Molly Brown.

You survived the Titanic!
Can I have your autograph?

Certainly, my dear. [Chuckles]
[Screams]

Oh, sh*t!
[Grunts]

We can now confirm King Kong
fell from atop


the Empire State Building, landing on

Unsinkable Molly Brown,
crushing her to death, and ...


[Gasps] Wait, I-I don't believe
what I'm seeing.


Rescue workers are pulling
a victim out of


the great beast's mighty
a**l cavity.


Let's ... let's listen in.

[Squelching, woman gasping]

It's Unsinkable Molly Brown!
She's alive!


What incredible luck for
the creature to land on her


in such a way ...
all things considered.


Molly Brown truly can't be k*lled.

Gee willikers, aren't you King
Kong's Butthole Molly Brown?

- Can I have your auto...
- Get the [bleep] out of my face!

And I was like,
"Unh-uh, my makeup is perf.

You're getting a dry handy
or nothing."

[Laughter]

[Phone chimes]
Who is Carol Young?

- That's my mom. Why?
- She just followed me on Twitter!

[Chirps]

Your mom just sent me
a friend request!

She's blowing up my Insta.

She just commented on a picture
I posted from Cancun in !

"Looking hot, chicas!"
Sombrero emoji, poop emoji!

What?!
[All scream]

- Hey, hey!
- Mom! Get out of here!

[Panting]

She's coming, she's coming!

What are you guys, on roller skates?
[Screams]

- #Squadgoals, right, girls?
- Just k*ll me now!

[Laughing]
A selfie!

[Laughing]
[Screaming]

[Smacking]

[Crunching, smacking]

[Squelching]

[Phones chiming]

[Horn honks]
Ew!

Ugh! That young man
over there is mooning us.

What?!
[Squeaking]

Ugh! Oh, no!
He's full-mooning us, Karen,

- I'm ... I'm a werewolf.
- You're a what?

Oh, Karen, take the wheel!
Aroo!

[Music]

[Tires squeal]

Hey, I've got some candy in
my van. You want to come see?

Hey, I've got underage boys in my van.
Want to come see?

Well played.

Pick a card, any card.

For the souffle, you
must make sure to use

room temperature eggs.

Un, deux, trois.

Oh! Hey, you k*lled my sisters,
you [bleep] bitch! [g*nf*re]

Hi, yes.
boxes of Sudasmurf, please.

- "Sudasmurf"?
- I mean, Sudafed.

Smurfed that up.
[Chuckles]

We don't sell to smurfs.

I'm not a smurf. I hate smurfs!
What's a smurf?

Smurfs are what we call people

who buy Sudafed
to make crystal meth.

We are not here to make meth.
We're here ...

I mean I'm here because
Papa Smurf ... I mean,

Papa Human Being Person ...
ugh!

Has a bad head cold
and asked me to smur...

Ugh! I mean, buy some cold
medi-smurf for him!

- Nailed it.
- Uh-huh.

- I need to see some I.D.
- Of course.

Smurf on a sec.
Uh, Handy, smurf me out here.

Handy is what I call my hand.

[Chuckles]
Oh.

Here you go.

Uh, this I.D. is made of cardboard.

Hey, Brainy, smurf him this.
[Laughs]

We all chipped in
and smurfed you a gift.

- And, again, by we, I mean me.
- Hmm. Odd, but, okay.

Got it!
Hefty, get us out of here!

Whoo-hoo!
We're gonna get so smurfin' high!

I'm gonna smurf crank
right into my eyeball.

[Jail doors slamming]

Der-di-ker der, der, der, nnn!

[Sighs]
I don't understand you, sir.

You're going to have to return
to your country of origin.

Dergin do!

[Cackling]

[Idyllic music]

[Chuckles] You know that's
a mole's d*ck, right?

[Spitting]

Oh, no, it's not.
Actually, I'm a mole down here,


and I can see clearly that
it's a worm!


Now get that worm!
Get it!


Ziggy, we found a way to double
your productivity ...

with Silly Putty.

Talk about your suffocating
work environment.

Hey, good looking.

- Hey, you look like me.
- No, you look like me.

- No, you look like me.
- No, you look like me!

Sometimes it's hard to feel
unique in this world.

What do you want me to do,
Ziggy? Profits are up , %.

- And just look at them out there.
- You know, sometime I wish

the water cooler would make
me a little cooler.

When I wished for a paycheck,

I should have been more specific
about the numbers on it.

They're all so dull.
My God, what have I done?!

We have to end this.
Burn them.

Burn them all.
[Screaming]

- Ow!
- Ow!

[Screaming]

Ow!

Ow!

I always wondered
what bacon feels like.

[Chuckles] They always told me
my career would catch fire.

- Oh, [bleep], even one's too many.
- Whoa!

Is this your way of
telling me I'm fired?!

You just used a fire pun!
Just burn faster!

[Ziggys screaming]


Looks like somebody's got
a case of the Mondays.

[Music pulsing]

- This is a raid!
- All: Raid?!

Announcer: Fox News has fired
yet another host.


Filling in tonight,
an actual fox ... Swiper.


Caution, you're about to enter
the Swiping Zone!

First up tonight,
the president continues

his immigration crackdown,
deporting a suspicious senorita.

I was born in East L.A.!
I'm not leaving!

Oh, no!
You can't tell me where to go!

[Grunting]

Anyway, what's next?
Lori?

Hey there, boobs.
Looking good.

Doesn't she look great?
I could fox with that.

Swiper, no swiping!
Swiper, no swiping!

- Swiper, no swiping!
- You're too late!

[Chuckles]

[Music]

Little boy of wood and string,

for you the gift of life I bring.

Hey, that's pretty nifty. Can ...
can you do that on anything?

W-What kind of rules are we
working with here?

Oh. Achoo!

Oh, this hay fever is k*lling me.

- Drop the narcotics.
- What's that, son?


Suspect noncompliant.
[g*nf*re, screaming]


You cannot purchase antihistamines

without proper identification.

Suspect noncompliant.

[Sobbing] Oh, my foot!
Okay, I don't need the Sudafed.

I'll just go home!
Oh, God.

Pseudoephedrine is a key
ingredient in methamphetamine.


You will not purchase
pseudoephedrine without


proper identification.

It's in my car!

Please, son, just let me
get to my car!

Suspect noncompliant!

[g*nf*re]
[Grunting]

Whoa, man, this ain't
what it smurfs like, man!

[Screaming]

Suspect noncompliant.

[Beeping]
Hello, Sarah.


[Beeping]
You never called me back.


[Beep]

I miss you.
Me-ma, me-ma, me-ma.


Hey, ALF, what ya doing?

Brian, I'm just listening to
some old tunes I wrote

- back on Melmac.
- You were a musician?

Yeah! I even have an old
music video I sh*t.

Check it out.

[Rap plays]

♪ Coming straight outta Melmac ♪

♪ That's where I'm at ♪

♪ What's my favorite dish? ♪

♪ You know it's cat ♪

♪ Eat so many cats,
my belly's flabby ♪

♪ But ALF ain't eating
no regular tabby ♪

♪ Got expensive tastes,
I get my pick of the litter ♪

♪ Chomping deep-fried
Siberian kitten fritters ♪

♪ You eat skinny cats,
I like my felines fat ♪

♪ I eat fat, bald cats
that look like fat ass rats ♪

♪ Cat burgers, cat dogs, man,
you think I'm a liar ♪

♪ Bitch, I once ate
a Sumatran tiger ♪

♪ I eat cat tail churros
and declawed paws ♪

♪ I eat kitty soup out of
an Egyptian vase ♪

♪ While you're all eating alley
cats covered in fleas ♪

♪ Your boy ALF's eating cats
that are Siamese ♪

♪ I eat Burmese biscuits
for breakfast ♪

♪ Short-haired stack
for brunch ♪

♪ In between a Manx
or a lynx to munch ♪

♪ Take down a Persian virgin
Sphinx for lunch ♪

♪ For dinner,
I chow on Arabian Mao ♪

♪ Even got a snow leopard in
my tummy right now ♪

♪ So what you know about that? ♪

♪ I eat gourmet cat ♪

♪ ALF's eating so much p*ssy, yeah ♪

♪ ALF's eating so much p*ssy ♪

♪ ALF's eating so much p*ssy, yeah ♪

♪ ALF's eating so much p*ssy ♪

Maybe that's a good point to stop.

Oh, that was awesome!
I want to be just like you.

That's great!
You want to rap?

No.
I'm gonna eat our cat!

Come here, Lucky! [Chomps]

Ha! I like your style, kid.

Save me some butthole.

It's the best part!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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