10x02 - Bugs Keith in: I Can't Call Heaven, Doug

[bunniefuu]

[Title music]

[Thunder crashes]

[Whirring]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

[Thunder crashes]

Announcer: Have you been injured
while touring a chocolate factory?

I'll get you the snozberries
you deserve.

♪ Larry Loompa...
He'll fight for you ♪

I was turned into
a [bleep] giant blueberry,

and now I need to be juiced
twice a day, or I'll explode.

Larry Loompa got me $ million.

Don't get dopity screwed.

[With lisp] I was pulled
through a taffy stretcher,

but thanks to Larry,
I'm rich as sh*t.

Also, my penis is inches long.

Can someone turn that fan off?

I was sh*t through
a pneumatic chocolate tube.

The pressure blew out mine
anus, and I had to have

a second anus constructed
from a goat's anus,

but Mr. Loompa got me $ million

- for mine anus surgery.
- Anus.

[Bleats] _

Announcer: Have you been turned
into fruit, stretched like taffy,

nearly drowned in a chocolate
river, terrorized by fake Slugworth,

dropped into a bad egg furnace, got
hepatitis from lickable wallpaper,

or are a goat who had
your anus forcibly removed,

then call the offices
of Larry H. Loompa today.

♪ Larry Loompa...
He'll fight for you ♪

[Bleats] _

Anus.

Harold couldn't sleep,
so he took his purple crayon

and drew a world
of his own imagination.

Harold, what did I tell you
about drawing

on the g*dd*mn walls?
You know what else is purple?

Bruises!
Draw me some whiskey.

[Glugs] Aw, God, that is
just what I needed.

[Gagging]
[Glass shatters]

Harold had dreamed
of this moment a thousand times.

Harold then drew himself
a new father.

This dad never yelled and
had a three-year chip from AA.

He was also good
at lifting things.

Harold and his new father sailed away
to a bright new tomorrow.

Harold's mother filed
a missing-person report,

but she never saw her son again.

She hanged herself a year later.

The rope was purple.

Tricia? All right!
From Bumble?

That's me. I've never dated
a Treasure Troll before.

Well, strap in, baby, 'cause we
are first class all the way.

- All right!
- To first dates.

[Slurps] Delicious.

So, you're from Copenhagen?

[creepy music]

What is it?
Huh? Aah!

Huh?

No! Not all right!

[yells] Nooo!

[Sobbing] No!

♪ And I love you, cha cha cha ♪

[Light switch clicks, door closes]

Ahh, another successful day
at Chuck E. Cheese, huh?

Ugh, we get it!
You own the place.

Hey, Pasquale, did you see
that kid puke up his pepperoni?

- Pasquale?
- Pasquale!

I noticed him glitching, but
I thought he was pranking us.

- He is the funny one.
- We gotta help him!

Pasquale!
[All grunting]

Pasquale!

Well, we've done
everything we can.

Everybody, run!

[All grunting]

[All screaming]

[Elevator music]

And one, two, three!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the magic b*llet!

[Cheers and applause]

Man: Oh, my God, JFK's been sh*t!

[Audience screams]

[Groans]

[Slurping]
[Music]

Oh, bother.
All out of honey.

Well, plenty more
where that came from.

What luck!

Why, there's nothing
but dead bees in here.

Bees are dying everywhere, Pooh.

It's an epidemic, most likely
caused by pesticides.

Without honey,
whatever shall I do?

Pooh, you're a bear.
You can eat anything.

Pooh, hello!
What shall we play to...

- [Growls]
- [Screams]

Ohh, this tastes
surprisingly delicious.

Jesus!
I meant pine cones, Pooh.

[Both laugh]

Announcer:
And now back to "q*eer Eye."

I mean, I have no notes.

[Laughter]

[Dance music]

I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I love cars, coffee, and comedy,

and this is "Comedians
in Cars Getting Coffee."

The Dodge Challenger
in Plum Crazy Purple

is perfect for today's guest,

Gotham's favorite funnyman,
the Joker!

I just want to thank you
for not picking me up

in a clown car, Jerry.

Who do you take me for, Carrot Top?

[Laughs] Scotty would
definitely pull that sh*t.

- He still slaying in Vegas?
- Sure.

You ever b*mb in Vegas?

The last time I bombed in Vegas,
there was a body count.

That's why they don't let me
into the Luxor anymore,

because there's
no Luxor anymore...

[chuckles]
because I bombed it.

I lost a friend in that expl*si*n.

- Was it Newman?
- No.

I guess I'm bombing again.

A prop?
Now who's Carrot Top?

No, it's a real b*mb.
[Laughing]

[expl*si*n]

♪ The lips are connected
to the assh*le ♪

♪ The lips are connected
to the assh*le ♪

♪ The lips are connected
to the assh*le ♪

♪ And that's how you make
a human centipede ♪

Everybody!

[Muffled singing]

♪ My mouth's not connected
to an assh*le ♪

♪ So Merry Christmas to me ♪

Announcer:
Space... the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the
Pin Mate Starship Enterprise.

Sir, we're caught in the Pin Mate's
Klingon Cruiser's tractor beam.

Reverse starboard thrusters,
Pin Mates Mr. Sulu.

Aye-aye,
Pin Mates Captain Kirk.

All: Aah!

Pin Mates Captain, that is
an illogical choice.

Your Pin Mates Vulcan logic won't
save us, Pin Mates Mr. Spock.

The Pin Mates Klingon cannons
are powering up, sir.

Aah!

- Whoa!
- Ooh!

Whoa!

- Ohh!
- Aah!

- Ooh!
- Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Whoa!
- Ooh-hoo!

Oh!

[All screaming]

Don't worry, ugly duckling.
One day, you'll be...

Actually, I find
the whole "ugly" narrative

to be hetero-normative and damaging,

and there are a number of niche
Internet sex communities

that would love
to have all... of... this.

I was gonna say, one day,
you'll be a beautiful swan.

Oh, thank God! I thought
I'd have to learn a skill.

I don't know what your
problem is, Of-Ken.

You should have gotten pregnant by now.

- Um, Commander Ken...
- Don't say a word.

Hey, Rocky.
I've got a friend request.

Hello, Moose. It is us,
old American friends

from your youth, Bingo and Muffy.

[Laughs]

- Oh, boy. Old friends.
- There's something suspicious

about that account, Bullwinkle.

Speaking of old American things,

don't you miss good old days
when flying squirrels

weren't taking
hardworking moose jobs?

Hmm, I do generally remember
things being better in the past.

Don't you want to make...
ooh... I mean, America great again?

Those new Facebook friends
are spreading

pretty incendiary comments, Bullwinkle.

Shut your cockhole, snowflake!

[Gasps]

Hello, Broseph.

Squirrel Lives Matter march against
ignorant mooses set for tomorrow.

Come join! Oh, boy.

- Oh, boy, I will!
- Hey, Rocky!

Watch me pull a squirrel
out of his own ass.

I'll [bleep] k*ll you, Bullwinkle!

[Both laughing evilly]

Ariana, some say that the ponytail

- has started to influence your life.
- That's just a silly rumor.

Are you blinking an SOS
in Morse code right now?

And are you now blinking,

"Stop talking about Morse code,
or the ponytail will k*ll me"?

Aah!

And that's the word
on Ariana's new album.

Come on, kids!
That rave's not gonna rave itself.

You're not our regular
party bus driver/drug dealer.

Nope, he took some bad molly
and chewed off his hand.

[Laughs] I'm Miss Frizzle.

I'm a substitute driver these days.

- I used to be a teacher.
- What happened?

Let's just say, if you shrink
down a bunch of -year-olds

and lose them
in a cow's second stomach,

they will absolutely
get turned into manure.

- Ohh!
- Oh.

But I still know how to drive a flying
bus, so here we go! [Tires squeal]

[All screaming]

Hot air balloon...
We must be in wine country.

- Let's go grab a frosé.
- No, thank you!

[All scream]

What?
The bus is out of control!

Ah-ha!

- What are we supposed to do with these?
- Take chances. Make mistakes.

What's that island?

- Jump!
- Aah!

- Whoa!
- Aah!

Quick, children, look for supplies.

- Why should we trust you?
- Listen here, you little sardine.

Before I was a school bus driver...

Yeah, you turned a bunch of kids
into cow turds. We know.

And I drove a tour bus
for Aerosmith in . [Music]

That was some heavy sh*t, man.

You wanna talk about herpes...

- No, thanks!
- ...I'll shrink you down

and show you herpes
like you've never... Aah!

- Thank you!
- Take my job, will ya?

It's our old bus driver,
two-handed Harry.

- Not anymore.
- Let's celebrate!

[Music]

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[g*nshots]