11x01 - May Cause a Whole Lotta Scabs

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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11x01 - May Cause a Whole Lotta Scabs

Post by bunniefuu »

♪♪

[Dramatic music plays]

[All chattering]

♪♪

[Grunting]

- Oh!
- Whoa!

[All chattering]

[Grunting]

[Chattering continues]
[Beep]

[Gasps]

[Chuckles]

- Aah!
- [Grunting]

Ow!

Ah.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Yah! Yah! Yah!

[Distorted grunting in slow-mo]

[Distorted scream]

[Theme music plays]

[Cackles]

♪♪

MAN: It's alive!

♪♪

[Cackles]

[Cackles]

♪ Mother[bleep] I'mma k*ll you
and rob your home ♪

♪ I'mma break your ankle
and smash your jawbone, yeah ♪

Hey, homies, mind if I join
in this rapping battle?

I'm Rappin' Rockin' Barbie.

And as long as I have
my pink plastic boom box

and my big plastic dreams,

I know I can make it
to the top of the urban charts.

♪ Yeah, [bleep] off, Karen, and
go back to your DreamHouse ♪

♪ I'mma [bleep] k*ll you and
your perfectly steamed blouse ♪

♪ [Bleep] your blond hair and
your inhuman proportions ♪

♪ I'll bet both your parents ♪

♪ Wish they had an abortion, yeah ♪

- MAN: Yeah, man!
- Turn that volume up to seven, Skipper.

It's time to rap and rock!

♪ You think I'm just
a white bitch full of hot air ♪

♪ I've been white, black,
Hispanic, and curly-haired ♪

♪ I got sport cars I've never used ♪

♪ And I'll curb stomp your ass
with my designer shoes ♪

♪ I own a ski resort, a hospital ♪

♪ And a water park, too ♪

♪ I'm a household name ♪

♪ So who the [bleep] are you? ♪

- Go, Barbie!
- Ooh!

♪ Bitch, you got all that sh*t
handed to you ♪

♪ I work hard on these streets ♪

♪ You can't even tie your shoes ♪

♪ You look like you never
worked a day in your life ♪

♪ The only thing you're good at
is being a housewife, yeah ♪

[Crowd "ohhs,"
man shouts indistinctly]

♪ [Bleep] you, bitch,
I've had over careers ♪

♪ I've been a surgeon, a mailman ♪

♪ And a robotics engineer ♪

♪ Have you been a judge,
a firefighter ♪

♪ And a proctologist? ♪

♪ A chicken farmer, baker,
and a paleontologist? ♪

♪ I'm a NASCAR driver,
news anchor, astronaut ♪

♪ I also ran for president
and didn't cry when I lost ♪

- What?!
- Oh, damn. Barbie wins.

Go, Barbie!
[Machine-g*n fire]

- Ow! Someone call a doctor!
- Barbie, you are a doctor.

Only when I'm wearing the outfit.

- Oh, you're such a helper.
- Oh, my pleasure.

A little help
for an elderly hot dog?

Go back to the ballpark, Frank.

I don't help wieners.
[Laughs]

[Horn honks, tires screech]

Well, hot dog!

Slumber parties make memories
you'll cherish forever.

Riley, you're a teenager now.

You got to stop talking
like a dweeb.

Rite of passage time!

- We're gonna pierce those ears.
- Gulp.

Aww!
Riley's growing up.

Can't society just let
a little girl be a little girl?!

Yeah.
- That Kn*fe's not sterile!

This is gonna hurt!
What do we do?!

He's freaking out again!

I hope he doesn't piss himself.

This is Anger's fault.
Anger leads to Fear.

Are you trying to quote
"The Phantom Menace" again?

That movie makes me furious!

We have to plant this memory.

Riley must remember this as her
decision, or she'll feel bullied.

What the hell
are you talking about?

- Go! Go, go, go!
- Oh, my God.

[Machine-g*n fire, men screaming]

It's her decision.

[Bell rings]

- It's your decision.
- This is my decision.

Let us remember Riley
as a good girl,

not someone who decided
to ask her friend

to s*ab her in the ear
and then bled to death.

Wait, I-I could just buy these?

Okay, Voltron Force, this
is the toughest Robeast yet.

Prepare to form Blazing Sword!

- Ah-choo!
- What the hell was that?

- It wasn't me.
- I didn't do it.

Hey, it was me, okay?
I have ragweed allergies.

Can we fight the Robeast now?

There's no ragweed
in the cold vacuum of space.

Pidge, you mother[bleep].

I bet you have
that flu bug going around,

and now we're all
gonna get sick.

Well, I don't get any paid
sick leave, so... Ah-choo!

I can feel the virus
coming through the vents.


- Ah-choo!
- See?


I'm freaking out, man.
Aah!

Form Blazing Sword!

[Roars]

- Get out of here.
- Pidge, get out of here!


What is happening?

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Oh! That's probably
just ragweed. Right?

[Sniffs] Hey, can
I share a secret with you?

You're a songwriter, baby.
Yeah.

Hey, Phil, help milady into the car.

She's coming home with me.

Jackson, that's a shopping cart.

I know a hot-blooded woman
when I see one.

And get me one of them
adult diapers.

I think
I alcohol peed myself again.

[Somber music plays]

Hey.

I just want
to get another look.

I want to bring out
a special friend of mine.

She's got a real good song,
and she ain't bad to look at.

Please welcome,
property of Trader Joe's,

Do Not Remove from Lot!

[Cheers and applause]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Vocalizing]

- She is hot!
- Told you.

Now go get me more
of those diapers.

That voice makes me pee
my pants every time.

You take the blue pill,
your story comes to an end.

But if you take the red pill,

I show you how deep
this rabbit hole goes.

[Gags]

[Coughing]

Oh, sorry. I have a thing
with swallowing pills.

[Gagging]

One second.
I'll get this.

Drink the water, Neo.

[Spits] Why is it so big?
It's like a pill for a horse.

[Gulps, coughs]

- Neo, tilt your head forward.
- [Coughing] Oh, God.

Do you have a chewable
tablet, like a pill for a dog?

- No.
- Huh.

Maybe if you put it
in a meatball...

Is there a liquid form?

Oh! [Gagging]

[Choking]

- Uh-oh.
- [Body thuds]

Oh, God.

[Choking]

He's dead.
[Chuckles]

I guess he was not the one.

I have meatballs if...
Oh.

Well, guess it's
meatballs for dinner.

[Ominous music plays]

Hmm.

Want some?
[Laughs]

Oh, liebchen,
such a mess you are.

Ha ha.

Chicken noodle or chicken rice?

[Fly buzzes]


Ah.
Chicken rice.

Good choice.

So... rough day, hmm?

Gamora, we have a guest.

[Grunting]
[Fly buzzing]

Gamora, Natasha.
Natasha, Gamora.

The three of us are going
to have so much fun!

Ha ha! [Sighs]

I wish someone would throw

a Nintendo Switch
off that damn cliff.

Hello.
Who are you, my dear?

My name's Rey.

I'm pretty sure
that's a boy's name.

- Rey... Skywalker.
- Pretty butch. Okay, then.

Victor! Some young girl is
squatting in the old Lars place.

What?
God damn it, Barbara.

Our spice stash
is in the old Lars place.

, parsecs a desert!

She couldn't pick
a different sh*thole?

[Sighs]
Well, let's go get it.

We can't.
She's one of those dirty Jedi.

We have to find another way.

REY: [Straining]
Use the Force, Rey.

Ahh! Freedom at last.

Okay, she's finished pooping.

We probably didn't need
to watch her the whole time,

but I'm glad we did.

Whew! Here we go.

Planking.

[Beeping]

Aaaah!

Whoa!
Aah! Uh!

Aaahhh! Uh!

It's the perfect plan.
After she wheels you back inside,

- just sneak out and grab the spice.
- Shh!

As part of my new life,
I will no longer be a scavenger.

- I'm glad I'm getting rid of these rusty droid parts...
- VICTOR: Ooh!

- ...leaky blaster cartridges...
- Aah!

- ...old power converters...
- Ah!

- ...Tosche Station yoga pants...
- Those are nice.

...a signed picture of some p*rn actor

- named Biggs Darklighter...
- Oh!

- ...contaminated blue milk jugs...
- Oh, God, no, no. Aah!

...and pounds of moldy earwax
from Owen's earwax vacuum...

- No. Oh, God, God.
- ...I guess he never cleaned.


- And two anonymous skeletons.
- Hey, Owen, Beru.

I can't believe I used to sell
this stuff in order to eat.

Wait.

[Screams]

Okay, new perfect plan.

We tunnel under the house,
pop up into the courtyard,

and grab the spice.

Happily tunneling.

Huh. This doesn't look like
the old Lars place.

Victor! My God!

You dug us into a Sarlacc pit!

Did it again.
You idiot.

[Screaming]

You were right...
we should have just k*lled her.

[Dance music plays]

Hey! You're my
new neighbors, right?

Is the party too loud?

- Sorry. Wanna come in?
- Okay.

When I was cleaning
out the place,

- I found a huge spice stash.
- Ohh!

I grew up a loner, so I thought
this would be a good chance

- to make some friends.
- dr*gs do help friendships grow.

I'll keep her distracted.
Get the spice.

Do you have a boyfriend, dearie?

No, I like men
who might be my brother,

but they're not my brother,
but they might be,

so the sexual tension is,
like, through the roof.

Also, they talk to me in my head

while they're all shirtless and oily.

- It's a type.
- Oh.

- How you doing?
- Wait.

I sense a great disturbance
in the Force.

Somebody's stealing my dr*gs!

Oh, sh*t.
Victor, she's a spicehead!

Lightsaber.

Flip.

Land.

- Ooh!
- Did she try to do that?

Rey! Are you throwing
a spice party in my house...


without me?!

[Inhaling deeply]

Let's party!
[Dance music plays]


Ah, this jam's making me want
to go dark side.


- We'll try again tomorrow.
- VICTOR: When she's pooping? Hmm?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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