11x02 - May Cause Light Cannibalism

[bunniefuu]

[Title music]

[Cackling]

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[Clicks]

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MAN: It's alive!

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[Cackling]

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[Cackling]

Ah, man, shut the door!
Okay.

Oh, man,
there's so many zombies.

Oh, sh*t!
Grab the shotgun.

Wait, no, don't!

[Glass shatters]

[Pop!]
Huh? What?

Aw, no!
Today's April Fools' Day.

I was going to prank you guys.

What kind of prank
involves a shotgun?

- I don't know, a g*n prank?
- Run!

- We can hide in the closet!
- Wait, don't!

[Grunts, groans]

[Screams]

Marcus, April foo...
I'm such an assh*le.

Kyle, is this whole house
filled with pranks?!

I am so sorry.

[Gasps, panting] Whoa.
[Hinge creaks]

[Boing!]
Aah! [Grunts]

[Screams]

Oh, God!
I am the April Fool!

It was me all along!

[Groans]

- I taste hamburger.
- You told me these kids were vegan.

April Fools.

You're a d*ck.

We will now witness Tyrion
Lannister's trial by combat.

Fighting for the king,
The Mountain!

Fighting on Tyrion's behalf...

- that guy.
- [Squeaks]

[Growls]

[Squeaking]

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[Growls]

[Squeaking loudly]

Looks like a draw to me, Father.

[Groans]
Too many Appletinis last night.

Where am I? And what did I
put my solid snake in?

sh*t. Alright,
just remember your training.

- Crawl.
- [Barks]

Chihuahua?
[Spy music plays]

Tranq g*n.
Bang, bang, sleepy.

[Gasps]

- Where's the exit?
- The front door is located here.

- WOMAN: Snake?
- Huh? Sleeper hold.

Snake? Snake?

- Decoy.
- Huh?

- What is this inflatable sh*t?
- [Groans]

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There you are.

Do you want to have brunch
with my girlfriends?

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[Sighs deeply] Where's my
su1c1de pill when I need it?

Alright, my Smurfs,

we need a new song
about raking up acorns!

[Bird cries]

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Oh, no!

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You landed on Boardwalk.
Pay up, bitch.

ANNOUNCER: Do you love Monopoly
but wish it addressed

the historical pay disparity
between men and women?

- What?
- Then meet Ms. Monopoly.

Gender pay gap?
Not on my watch.

But I was winning!

And now you can win
in the corporate world

- without having to spread your legs.
- This is a children's game.

It's never too early to level
the corporate playing field.

- What?!
- In Ms. Monopoly,

girls start with
more money than the boys.

No hand jobs
in the copy room necessary.

Where's the racecar?
Where's the dog?

I've replaced the phallic
game pieces with tokens

representing the female
corporate journey.

A journal, a hand weight,
a wineglass.

Don't like it?
Shove it up your chauvinist ass!

But I'm always the dog.

Honey, with Ms. Monopoly you
could break the glass ceiling

without sitting up
and begging to blow the boss.

- [Cries]
- MOTHER: I got your glass ceiling right here.

Little tip.
Never blow your boss.

Why are you assuming
my boss is a man?

- [cheering]
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Were you always this magic, Mike?

ANNOUNCER: Performing a series
of illusions for us tonight, Magic Mike!

[Cheers and applause]

- [Booing] Boo, you suck!
- Show us your d*ck!

[Audience chanting]
Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat!

[Cries]
You don't deserve my gift.

Bananas, America sure
is a land of opportunity.

I'm done with this one.
Yoink!

I am minding my own business.

Whoa! I seem to be caught
in some form of comedy.

Don't let me be a bother, gentlemen.

I am only caught up in a bit of comedy.

Ah, this is the zoo
what added a gorilla exhibit.

The comedy approaches
a crescendo, I suspect.

And, end with a flourish.

My, what a perfectly realized
bit of timeless comedy.

- [Laughs, screams]
- [Growls]

[Rapid g*nf*re]

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Satine, we saved the Moulin Rouge

and can finally be together.

[Coughs]
I have consumption.

- I've known for a few months.
- That's tuberculosis!

That's highly contagious.
We've been hooking up since April.

I love you and I'm dead.

Has anyone invented penicillin yet?

[Banging on door]

You no pay rent, Linda.
You get out!

Please, Mr. Cookie,
I have no place to go.

You evicted.
You go now.

You're a monster! [Sobs]

Me know. Me know.

Yo Gabba Gabba...
What the [bleep]?!

Hell no! Where's Muno?

Foofa? Toodee?
Brobee? Plex?

I must have grabbed
the wrong suitcase at the park.

- You got the money?
- Yeah.

- You got the stuff?
- [Boing!]

- What are those things?
- Where's my powder?

Pow! Pow!

[Vehicle door closes, tires squeal]

♪ What is death,
why do people die? ♪

♪ It's one of life's
unanswered questions ♪

♪ And no one knows why ♪

♪ You can die today
and you could die anywhere ♪

♪ Like that guy,
whose ear is here ♪

♪ But his teeth are over there ♪

What's up, fellas?

I've been looking
for you guys everywhere.

Oh, good, there's my suitcase.

Now I can give this cornstarch
back to its right...

[Tires screech]
Ka-boom!

[Engine revs]

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?
DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?
DJ Lance?

Goliath, I can't wait any longer.

- I want to make love to you.
- Elisa, the hour is late.

If the sun were to rise
during the sex,

my prodigious rock appendage
would likely tear you in two.

I'm starting to think
you're not packing any heat

under that comically
oversized loincloth!

You're too good a cop, Elisa.

It's true. I have no penis.

One night, long ago while I slept,
Xanatos chiseled it off.

I don't care. I love you.

Wow. You are quite a woman.

Jesus, are you [bleep] my tail?

Have you ever heard
the word consent?

Oh, no. It's happening.
I'm going to stone.

Oh, yeah. This is going
to work out just fi...

Aah!
[Roof crumbles]

Ooh, I'm sorry, Mr. David,

but your reservation was for
: and it's now : .

That's not on me. I was here at : ,
but parking was a nightmare.

You got to give me
that -minute leeway.

It's a leeway deal.

That's not how
the world works, sir.

Well, the world would be a lot
better if there were places to park.

Maybe we need half
as many people on the planet.

Hmm.

- No leeway.
- They gotta give you the leeway.

I'd be furious, if not for my new

UNTUCKit shirts button-down

but designed to be
worn untucked.

You know what? I can't
believe how good it looks.

Weird thing to say about
a shirt, but I love it. Jeff?

- T-Turning to ash.
- What's all this dust?

Thanos snapped half of
humanity out of existence

based on your parking rant.

First of all,
you said you were going to

be here at :
and you got here at : .

With more people, you
wouldn't have found parking

- till at least : .
- Ah, can it, Bernie.

We would have just left
minutes earlier.

I'm actually not offended
by the Bernie comparison.

Played him on "SNL," made a few bucks.

Great bucks?
Eh, okay bucks.

You know Lorne.
You ever been on "SNL," Stark?

Nah, Stark's too big!
Stark's a big boy!

[Sighs] If we want
to defeat our enemies,

we'll need your power,
the power to annoy people

so much they just give up!

How's the parking?
Is there a pass?

I'm going to need an assigned spot.

Now, we go back in time and
collect all the Infinity Stones.

Hey, you want my opinion?
Too many Avengers.

I can't remember all these names.
Also some of you are gods,

one of you is good
at gym-class archery.

- Eh. It's uneven.
- I don't want to go anymore.

[Whoosh]

If you want the soul stone,

you'll have to sacrifice
something you love.

What are you, nuts?
Not my UNTUCKit shirt!

You keep saying
how much you love it.

Just get another shirt.

The guy who started
the company turned to dust.

You're so annoying!

- I give up!
- No!

You're supposed to use
your power on the bad guys!

But my bad might be your good.

Who's good for me might...

Ugh, how can you
work with this man?

Auf wiedersehen.

Is Red Man the villain?
Seemed kind of like a n*zi.

Larry, I think you're a villain.

And I think archery is not a sport.

Eh, we're at an impasse,
but I'm okay with it.

[Blows landing, grunting,
heroic music plays]

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Larry, God damn it, hand the
gauntlet to Scarlet Witch!

- Who are all these people?
- Just run, you whiny assh*le.

Aah!
My UNTUCKit shirt! No!

I got to get the stain out
before it sets!

AVENGERS: Larry! Larry!

- MAN: Oh, no! Thanos has all the stones!
- Oh, yeah. It's working.

- It's working. It's working!
- Oh, but Iron Man tripped him

and now he's got all the stones.

- IRON MAN: I am Iron Man!
- MAN: Oh, my God, it worked!

- But Iron Man is dead.
- There we go. No more stain.

[Melancholy music plays]

Wow, parking was a nightmare.

So which one of you d*ed again?

Scarlet Witch of the West,
Fish Oil Man?

Damn it, Larry,
you're minutes late.

Where's the leeway?

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DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?
DJ Lance?

DJ Lance?