04x01 - Rumble on the Wonder Wheel

[bunniefuu]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER DIES DOWN]

Revenge.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

Revenge.

I want it.

- Oh, do I want it.
- [FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

I need it.

I crave it.

I am completely consumed
by the need for it.

Revenge.

You know how there
are times in your life

when things seem to be going great?

And then suddenly, out of nowhere,

you round the corner,
and bam, someone steps in

- and fucks it the f*ck up?
- [LAUGHTER]

And you never saw it coming

because you were too busy being happy.

And I know, that's life.

sh*t happens.

You should be a bigger
man and just let it go.

Well, I'm a woman, so f*ck that.

[CHEERING]

I want my f*cking pound of flesh.

I want my revenge.

And I'm talking real revenge,
not the "Hey, I got you

a lifetime subscription
to The Watchtower"

kind of revenge, but Shakespearean,

blood-soaked, painful,

soul-crushing revenge.

I will dig out my high school clarinet

and play klezmer music next
door to you hours a day.

I will sneak into your
basement, and I will fry fish.

[LAUGHTER]

I will befriend your only daughter,

and I will introduce her to a poet,

and I will sit at their
wedding and I will laugh.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm talking Medea-level revenge.

I'm filled with so much fury, and why?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

Oh, you already know why.

Well, that's no fun.

Fine.

Yes. That was me.

Standing there on a tarmac,
not Penn Station, by the way,

and not "clutching" my suitcase.

"Suitcase," singular.

Please. I haven't
traveled with one suitcase

since my first day of kindergarten.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I stood there, and I
watched that plane fly away,

and I realized that once again

a man has stepped in
and f*cked up my life.

And just like the first time,

I was dressed magnificently
while he did it.

- f*cking revenge!
- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Where we going?

Back to the city.

Something she forgot to pack?

Just drive.

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

What's happening here?

Nothing. I just...

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Seriously, what's funny?

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

That was a hat.

It still had the price tag on it.

Miriam, do we need a pill?

- Hey.
- I don't want it.

Well, it completes the
outfit. Will you stop?

I don't want anything about this night

or associated with this
night in this cab with us.

Am I next?

Stop!

- Stop the cab!
- What?

You fucker!

[SCREAMS]

[TAKING DEEP, RAPID BREATHS]

I won.

You thought you could
b*at me, but you couldn't.

Yeah, you showed him.

Now that the skirt
has learned its lesson,

why don't you get back
in the ca... Miriam?

Okay, well, that's really
the city's job, but...

I hate this night and this outfit

and this whole g*dd*mn world!

- Hey!
- I hate this cab.

- Stop that!
- This cab took me

- to the airport that I hate!
- Hey.

Where the plane was that
I hate, on the tarmac...

Hey, what the hell is she doing?

I hate music. I hate music stands.

I hate mic cords.

I hate light cues.

- Miriam, enough.
- [GRUNTS]

- Ow!
- [CABBIE] She's crazy.

Ow!

- Ow!
- [GRUNTING]

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Stop!

Ow! You stop!

Have you lost your mind?

Yes! [PANTING]

My mind, my job, my career.

You haven't lost your career.

I was on tour with the
biggest star in the world,

and then suddenly...

he wouldn't even talk to me.

I thought we were friends.

In show business?

- I f*cked up.
- [HORN HONKS]

It's not your fault.

I should've been there.
If I'd have been there,

- you wouldn't have talked to Reggie.
- I would've talked to you.

And I would've told you
to just calm the f*ck down.

And I would've calmed the f*ck down.

And you wouldn't have done
that set and ended your career.

My career's ended?

I'm repeating what you said.

But I said it so you'd
say it wasn't true.

Here, you want to hit the car again?

You don't think I can
come back from this?

I just meant, if I'd have been there,

you wouldn't have done that awful set.

The set was great. The audience laughed

- at every joke.
- I just meant,

if I'd have been there, you
would've done something else.

- I would've bombed.
- Yeah, you would've bombed,

and we would be on a
plane to Prague right now.

If I had bombed, they still
could've kicked me off the tour.

No, you would've been humiliated,

but then you would've
gotten on that plane,

and then you would've bombed in Prague.

What? Why?

Those people don't laugh.

I could've made Prague people laugh.

You've never been to Prague.

What the f*ck would you talk about?

I'd find something.

"Hello, Prague. Remember Jews?"

- [HORN HONKS]
- Need a ride? [LAUGHS]

Look at that, the
public still loves you.

[MIDGE PANTING]

I don't want to go back to Queens.

I'm not ready to be a failure yet.

I don't want to go back
to my place, either.

Jackie will be installing crown molding.

Chester will be farting a lot.

Ladies, at this rate, I'm gonna
be able to retire off this fare.

Just head to the Village.

You... want to take your branch?

No.

You had that the whole time?

I didn't want you drunk
and acting all crazy.

Give me that.

[MIDGE SIGHS]

Damn it, I just got this outfit.

Boy, this floor is really sticky.

Are they mopping it?

Oh, yeah. Twice a day.

They call and give me updates.

We talk soap-to-water ratios.

All right.

Oh, it's really f*cking sticky.

You sure it's okay that we're here?

Oh, yeah. I called the owner,

and he cleared it with the management,

and they ran it up the
flagpole to the board.

All right.

I love that suddenly
you're all concerned

about not pissing anybody off.

I stashed this stuff here
last time I was hiding out.

- Hey, do you have any seltzer?
- Why?

Thought I'd try to get
the stain out with seltzer.

- Oh. Try gasoline.
- Really?

Yeah. That and a match will
take that stain right out.

Hilarious. You should
open for Shy Baldwin.

So, pick a spot?

Yep. Anywhere you want.

- Actually, I need to sleep over there.
- Okay.

It's just, I had a nightmare
when I slept over there.

And over there, different
nightmare but just as bad.

Over there, too.

So I'd like to sleep
there, in the middle,

- if that's okay.
- Uh...

Eh, even if it's not okay,
I got to sleep in the middle.

But anywhere else, your choice.

So I have my choice of
all the nightmare spots.

Thanks.

[CABBIE] Gonna be here all night.

Well, here we are.

Back where it all started.

First time I saw you, you
were over there behind the bar.

I was married to Joel.

He was gonna do stand-up.

I brought a brisket.

You remember what you said to me?

No, but I'm sure "f*ck you" figured

- somewhere in the sentence.
- Yeah.

Who would've thought that
less than two years later

I'd end up back here drunk
and in my underwear again?

Different underwear.

Did you just find that on the ground?

Yes.

[MIDGE] Guess I overpacked.

[♪ ELLA FITZGERALD: "DARN THAT DREAM"]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SUSIE MUMBLING, GRUNTING]

Susie.

♪ Darn that dream ♪

♪ I dream each night ♪

♪ You say you love me
and you hold me tight ♪

♪ But when I awake,
you're out of sight ♪

♪ Oh, darn that dream ♪

♪ Darn your lips and darn your eyes ♪

♪ They lift me high
above the moonlit skies ♪

♪ Then I tumble out of paradise ♪

♪ Oh, darn that... ♪

- You cheat me out of ten papers today?
- [SCOFFS]

Every day, ten to papers short.

[SCOFFS] Give me a break.

[MIDGE] Are you kidding me?

If you're gonna read
it, you have to buy it.

I'm already to papers short.

Sorry. I think I have
some money in here.

Uh, no.

Not that.

It's not my coat.

Ew. Ew.

Wow.

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [MIDGE PANTING]

- Susie.
- [BOTH SCREAM]

What the f*ck are you doing?

You don't wake a person up
in the middle of a nightmare.

I was in line at the post office.

Just one guy working, and he got a call.

- I need my money.
- Why are you wearing my jacket?

- D- .
- I don't...

D- , D- , D- .

They replaced me with Jack Ballard.

He's doing the rest of the
tour and the Christmas special.

So I don't got to read this now, right?

They planned this. They gave
this to the papers yesterday,

and they still made us come
all the way down to the tarmac

just to see us stand there
like a couple of assholes.

Jack Ballard. I thought
Jack Ballard was dead.

They wanted to humiliate us.

I think I went to his funeral.

One day, and it's already in the paper.

Moishe's gonna explode.

- Who the f*ck is Moishe?
- My father-in-law.

He's gonna see that, and he's
gonna know that I was fired.

- So what?
- He loaned me the money

to buy back my old apartment,

my collateral being my contract

for the tour and the Christmas special.

He was so excited about
the Christmas special.

You bought back your old apartment?

- Yes.
- When?

- Yesterday.
- I was with you yesterday.

- Not all day.
- I can't believe this.

I leave you alone for four hours,

and you blow your career
and buy an apartment.

You said I didn't blow my career.

Why would you buy an apartment?
You don't have any money!

What do you mean, I
don't have any money?

You have some money, clearly.

I saved every cent from
the first part of the tour.

I know. And I am holding
it for you. I just...

Why would you buy back your apartment?

Because I don't want to live

with my ex-in-laws in Queens anymore.

Look, I know it was
an emotional purchase,

but I did it, it's done.

And now I need to get something

into his hands immediately,
buy me some time.

So I need my money.

When?

Today.

Okay. Sure.

I'll get you your money today.

I don't have my ledger book on me.

I just got to look at
the ledger at least,

make sure things are ledgered.

Fine.

And there were some expenses I
had to deduct from your money.

- Business expenses, all legit.
- Okay.

And I bought some hairspray.
Remember the hairspray?

You asked me to buy some hairspray.

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

I'll look at the
ledger, get to the bank.

You'll get your money,

sans the really expensive hairspray.

Great. Thank you.

I don't know what you need
all that hairspray for,

but that's your business, so...

- Were you gonna make a call?
- What?

I can go in the back if
you need some privacy.

No, I was not gonna make a call.

Just 'cause you stand next to a phone,

people think you're gonna make a call.

You know what?

I'm gonna get some fresh air.

Stretch the legs.

- You want anything?
- Just my money.

Yep.

I'll be right back.

[♪ JIMMIE LUNCEFORD:
"RHYTHM IS OUR BUSINESS"]

Hey. I got to use the phone.

I'm currently wooing a lady.

- Okay.
- I...

You hung up.

If you tied the ropes tight enough,

she'll still be there when you get back.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Huh?
- [SUSIE] Tess, it's me.

Susie? It's so early.

Have we heard from that guy
from the insurance company?

- I really got to get...
- Wait.

What?

- [SKINT SNORTS]
- [SIGHS]

- sh*t.
- What?

Ah, for a moment, I
thought Skint was dead.

Well, that's my life in a nutshell.

f*cking focus here.

- Check. I need the check.
- Yes.

He called yesterday,
said we could come by

and pick it up at the office.

Great. Good. We are going this morning.

I will be by in an hour.

- All right. Geez.
- [SIGHS]

[JOEL] Hi. Uh...

Can I help you?

Why? Are you with the...

Wait. Hold on.

Ha.

I'm actually getting pretty fluent here.

I ordered tea, and I told
the plumber to fix the toilet.

I got tea, and he fixed the sink,

so we're getting close.

Here we go.

Ni hao.

There's more. Just, um...

You méiyou...

Something, something. Where
the hell is "something"?

Wait. I'll find it.

Uh...

You méiyou nali women keyi...

Uh, hold on.

Five minutes.

You bing g*ng gen...

Yep. Right behind you.

[MAN AND WOMAN CONVERSING IN MANDARIN]

How do you know what I want you to do?

You don't listen. You
just care about you.

What you want.

That is not true.

I work very hard for this family!

I am always the one you send in to...

You rang?

Really? You sent Li Wei after him?

You want to tell me what's going on?

I didn't know they were
gonna send him up there...

or that he could fit through the door.

[MAN SPEAKING MANDARIN]

He says he hears your
club is doing well.

- Hold on.
- You're kidding, right?

This is my neighborhood now.

I'm gonna learn to speak the language.

- Uh, okay.
- [FLIPPING PAGES]

- Uh, my... place... of...
- Joel, people have a life expectancy.

Yep. Tell them the club
is doing sensational.

Great buzz. First few
nights completely sold out.

[SPEAKING MANDARIN]

And I have big plans for the place.

Uh, private events, specialty nights.

I'm thinking of putting in a kitchen

and starting food service.

[SPEAKING MANDARIN]

[JOEL] Hey, can you amp up

the excitement a
little? I'm selling here.

No! No food. No private
events. No kitchen.

Food will make the money smell.

He either stops doing
well or he just stops.

- What did he say?
- [MEI] I can't tell him that.

What did you say?

You tell him now.

Mei, please. What are
your parents upset about?

I never said they were my parents.

She used to listen to you.

You let her go to school.

It's a law!

I've got parents. That
sounds like parents to me.

You've grown too close to this man.

This is not why we
brought you into this.

I did everything I could!

I gave him a jukebox with nothing

but Chinese records in
it, for Christ's sake!

That was months ago. Now I
hear you bring him toilet paper.

No more!

You will have no more
contact with that man.

You tell him to leave.

Now!

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

So...

The club is doing too well.

Most landlords want
their tenants to do well.

- I never said they were the landlords.
- Mei...

They wanted a business that looked legit

but didn't cause too much of a splash.

A dud club means less
eyes on the parlor.

A successful club means eyes.

They just assumed your club would fail.

Why?

'Cause you're a Jewish
ex-plastics salesman

who suddenly opened a club in Chinatown

with an English to Chinese
dictionary from the s.

I...

- sh*t.
- My expectations were low.

Well, why are they mad at you?

Because I was supposed
to make sure you failed.

Is that why you gave me a jukebox

with nothing but Chinese records in it?

No. That was a gift. Please.

[JOEL] So, if I'm
reading the room right,

the people who may or
may not be your parents

and may or may not be my landlords,

- they either want me to fail or...
- Leave.

I thought "or die,"
so "leave" is better.

Hey, Mata Hari, what
side are you on now?

Your side. I swear.

I'm not sure if that helps me or not.

Thank you.

You're welcome, man.

[♪ ROSEMARY CLOONEY:
"FUZZY WUZZY [WUZ A BEAR]"]

- [KIDS CHATTERING]
- Faster! Faster! Faster!

- Look, look!
- Oh, Ethan, that's wonderful.

You know, when I was
a boy, I had a sock.

That was my toy.

Stuck my hand in it and said,
"Where did my fingers go?"

That was the game. The end.

And nobody cares.

Well said, Moishe.

I have knishes hot out of the oven.

- What are you reading?
- A book.

- Is it Peter Rabbit?
- It is not Peter Rabbit.

I read Peter Rabbit.

Next up, Proust.

Why do you have fur on your lip?

That's called a mustache.

[CHUCKLES] It looks like
a crawly caterpillar.

- [LAUGHS]
- It does not.

- It does.
- I think it moved.

- That's because I'm talking.
- [LAUGHING]

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Stop that.

- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.

- [ROSE] I'm already up.
- But I'm getting it! Rose.

- Abe, my goodness.
- Well, they're being mean.

None of the grown-ups are
doing anything to stop it.

- sh*t.
- Hello? Maisel residence.

[MIDGE] Shirley? It's Miriam.

Miriam, hello. It's Miriam.

Where are you calling from? Prague?

- Yes. I'm in Prague.
- Well, take a lot of pictures,

and tell them you love Jesus Christ.

It sounds pretty lively
over there. What's going on?

- It's Ethan's birthday.
- No, it's not.

Yes, it is. I made three cakes.

Shirley, it's not Ethan's birthday.

Whatever you say. I have
to check the cutlets.

Speak to your father.

Hello, Miriam? Are you in Prague?

Make sure you work Jesus
Christ into every conversation.

I will. Hey, why did Shirley say
Ethan's having a birthday party?

- His birthday's in November.
- Not anymore.

What-what do you mean, "not anymore"?

Eh, November was bad
for us. I have deadlines.

Moishe has his spring fabrics arriving.

Shirley's cousin Yetta
is coming for a visit.

I don't know what your mother's doing,

- but it was bad for her, too.
- [ROSE] I have work, Abe.

Your mother claims she has work,

so it just didn't work for any of us.

Are you seriously telling me
you rescheduled Ethan's birthday?

He's five.

- What does he know?
- Papa!

What? The boy has three cakes,

and we're taking him to Coney Island

- to ride the Wonder Wheel.
- I can't believe this.

How does this affect you?
You weren't going to be here

- for it anyhow.
- What's the matter?

[ABE] Miriam's upset we
changed Ethan's birthday.

- [ROSE] Why?
- [ABE] No idea.

Papa, you don't just change
a little boy's birthday.

We changed your
brother's birthday twice.

- He never found out.
- You...

Who are you people?

This borders on inhuman and unfeeling

and... Wait, did you change my birthday?

No. Listen, Miriam,

we have to wrap things up
here and get to Coney Island.

Ethan! Wish your son a happy birthday.

- It's not his...
- Ethan!

Hi, Mommy. I got a
fire truck, cowboy g*ns

- and a baseball.
- Ethan.

We're gonna ride the Wonder Wheel.

Honey, all of that is exciting,

but today is just not your actual...

Happy birthday, baby.

I want cake.

[♪ BARRETT STRONG: "MONEY
[THAT'S WHAT I WANT]"]

[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES]

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪
- ♪ That's... ♪

Hi. Uh, we are here
for the Myerson check.

I'm Susie Myerson.
This is my sister, Tess.

And how are you this morning?

Fine. We just need our check.

Well, let me have a look-see here.

Ah, you're Mr. Frick's clients.

Yes, we are. Does he have the check?

Why don't you have a seat,
and I'll buzz him for you.

- Tell him to bring the check.
- Will do.

You have to relax.

- I'll relax when I get that check.
- [FRICK] Well, well,

the Myerson girls. How nice to see you.

- Well, technically, I'm a Dooley.
- Nobody cares.

Uh, hello, Mr. Frick. We
are here for the check.

You mean you're not
here to see me? I'm hurt.

[CHUCKLES] I'm kidding. Would
you two like some coffee?

- No, we're fine.
- Do you have any hot chocolate?

You want a balloon, too?
We'll just take the check.

Sure, sure. But Mr. B said

not to let you leave
without saying hello.

- Who?
- Great guy. Come on.

[SUSIE] Mm.

[CLANGS]

[TESS GRUNTS]

Make yourselves comfortable.
He'll be right in.

[LOCK CLICKS]

Susie, I'm not really good
at reading certain situations,

but this seems a little...

- f*cked-up.
- Yeah.

Where are we?

I didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, we're not scared.

We love secret rooms with
no handles on the door.

I'm Mr. Bartosiewicz,

but you can just call me Mr. B.

I'm Susie. This is Tess.

I know who you are.

Should we sit?

Okay. Let's see what we have here.

We just came by to pick up the check

like Mr. Frick told us to,
so that's why we're here.

To get the check.

You're gonna get your check.

Great. [CHUCKLES]

I just need some answers first.

Where were you two girls
when you heard about it?

About what?

About the fire.

Church.

Church?

Yeah. That's where we usually are.

Uh, in church or going to church,

- coming back from church.
- [BARTOSIEWICZ] Mm-hmm.

And what about you?

Put me down for church, also.

Okay.

So, you're both in church.

That's when, um, Tess'
husband found us there

- and told us there was a fire.
- It was very upsetting.

Thank God we were in church,
where everyone's upset.

And your husband can corroborate this?

Finding you both in church?

- He's drunk a lot.
- [TESS] Mm.

- So his memory gets fuzzy.
- [BARTOSIEWICZ] Mm.

Any idea how it started?

The drinking? Oh, that's a family thing.

He's talking about the fire, Tess.

Any theories? Wild thoughts?

Yeah, maybe Mom fell asleep
with a cigarette in her hand.

Yep, that does happen a lot.

Of course, your mom is dead, so...

[WHISPERS] Right. I forgot.

She is dead.

- Tess.
- Bad wiring!

That's good. Bad wiring.

Bad wiring. Interesting.

So, is there, like, an
investigation going on or... ?

Just working the case.

Case. So it's a case?

You know, some neighbors reported

seeing a couple of women paddling
around in a rowboat that night.

Women in a rowboat? What's
this world coming to?

They said they were
drinking beer, laughing,

- singing, at one point.
- Oh.

Do you have any idea who
those two women might be?

- No, we do not.
- Yeah, beats me.

Okay. Well, unfortunately,

there's still some
loose ends we need to tie

before we get that check out to you,

but we will be in touch.

- So no check today.
- Not today. But...

Denise did bring in
some of her coffee cake.

- I bet I could scrounge up a piece.
- Ooh.

Hey, how about a good
faith down payment?

You know, ten percent to show you care?

Wouldn't that be nice, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, so, can we leave?

No reason why you can't.

Nice to meet you, Tess.

Boy, he seemed nice.

Nice? Were you paying attention?

They know what we did, Tess.

So, what, you think they're
not gonna give us the check?

I think they're gonna call the cops.

Over that shitty house?

Hey, arson is arson.

You make it sound so dark.

What are we gonna do?

Do you think we're gonna go to jail?

I-I don't want to go to jail.

Okay. Well, let's just tell them that.

Don't you snark at me, lady.
I was doing you a favor.

- I know. I know.
- [EXHALES]

And now I need you to
do me another favor.

Us another favor.

That guy in there holds our
fate in his big, meaty hand,

- and he likes you.
- Me? No.

- You think?
- Of the two of us,

there's only one he wanted
to bend over that desk.

Well, that's nice.

We need to flip this guy, Tess. Okay?

He has to be convinced to
overlook the fact that we are

the worst f*cking criminals
in the entire world.

No. There have to be worse.

Take one for the team?
Get this guy on our side?

- By doing what?
- The same thing you did

that got our high
school principal fired.

I'm a married woman, for Christ's sake.

If that meant anything to
you at all, I wouldn't ask.

You think I'm a whore?

That I ain't got a line in the sand?

- Huh?
- Tess, I have seen you

let your tit fall out of
your shirt for a free beer.

Imported beer.

I'm not saying you have to f*ck him.

But when you see him,

I want you to think Heineken.

I will see what I can do.

Okay. I got to go.

You're good? All, uh,
shaved and everything?

- Go. Please. Now.
- Okay.

Bye.

- Okay, this one's done.
- Great.

What's in here?

Manny?

- Teacups.
- I don't have teacups, Manny.

- Tchotchkes?
- What am I, your f*cking grandmother?

I don't know. It's not Jockey shorts.

- I'm not going near your Jockey shorts.
- Well, that's a relief.

: . I'm gonna have a cigarette.

You can't smoke in here, Manny.

Even though I helped you pack?

[JOEL SIGHS]

♪ Though I couldn't... ♪

And it's my Jockey shorts.

- What are you doing here?
- Can I come in?

- [JOEL] Why aren't you on tour?
- I...

- Didn't you go with Midge?
- [SUSIE] I did.

- But...
- Yes, come in.

Where's Midge? Is she on tour?

- Is she okay?
- Miriam's fine.

What's "fine"? Where's
"fine"? Define "fine," Susie.

Relax. God, you two have
a weird relationship.

♪ Then I knew just what
I would be missing... ♪

I need Midge's money.

- You told me not to give you Midge's money.
- I know.

You said under no circumstances
was I to give you Midge's money.

- I know what I said, but...
- Plus, you realize

you never actually gave
me Midge's money, right?

You were gonna get me Midge's money,

but I never got the
money, so I don't know

how I could give you the money
that you haven't given me.

And even if you had given me the money,

you told me not to give you that money,

so either way, you can't have the money.

Okay. I need you to loan me the money.

- Loan you the...
- Yeah.

- Bank check would be best.
- Sure.

- Though cash would work.
- Uh-huh.

Let me get this straight.

I wasn't supposed to give you the money

that you're supposed to give to Midge

that you didn't give to me,

but now I'm supposed
to give you my money?

Even though I know because
you told me two days ago

that the minute you get any money,

- you lose it immediately.
- Yes.

- Nap time.
- [MOSKOWITZ] Mr. Maisel.

Mr. Maisel, we've had a security breach,

and the building is on lockdown.

You run f*cking slow.

Don't you ever not sign
my guest sheet again.

You hear me?

- We were talking.
- [MOSKOWITZ] Please continue.

It was a private conversation.

I might have respected that
if you had signed my sheet.

- Susie...
- Look, I just need the money.

So, one more time from the top?

- What if I had a g*n?
- You don't have a g*n.

- But if I did?
- But you don't.

- I have a g*n.
- On you?

Or you got to run and go
get it and run back again?

What happened to the money

that you said you were
gonna transfer to me, huh?

The money that you were
keeping for Midge? Where is it?

Know what? Never mind. Just forget it.

- Susie...
- Just don't tell Miriam I came here

- when you see her.
- When am I gonna see her?

Is she here? I thought
she was in Prague.

- I got to go.
- You do have to go.

Think it's nice you live
with your mom, by the way.

That one could use a good smack.

[♪ HANK WILLIAMS: "I'M
SO LONESOME I COULD CRY"]

[SIGHS]

♪ Hear that lonesome ♪

♪ Whip-poor-will... ♪

f*ck.

One more.

♪ To fly ♪ ♪

♪ The midnight train... ♪

You know it's June.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We like the picture.

[MAN] What should we play?

You look like sporting men.

I guess your card, I get a drink.

- [MAN] b*at it.
- [ALFIE] Oh, no. I'm good.

You'll love this. Tell him.

- I don't know you.
- Oh, well, I'm very famous.

I perform for crown heads of Europe.

And the rest of their bodies
if they're still attached.

I have met the queen. She
matched me drink for drink,

and then we... [LAUGHS]

Slippery stool here. Now,
wouldn't that be a story?

Cause of death: slippery barstool.

Not a manly death like fighting in a w*r

- or choking on steak.
- Christ.

Take a card. I'm a
pacifist and a vegetarian,

so I guess it's the
deadly barstool for me.

Put it back.

[EXHALES]

Ooh.

- This your card?
- sh*t. Yeah.

- Whiskey neat.
- You're picking those up.

Think of a number. I guess right,

- you pick up the cards.
- [CHUCKLES]

- f*cking hate magicians.
- Oh, that's just Alfie.

- He's a regular.
- Yeah, well, if he tries to pull

a quarter out of my nose, I'm
gonna jam a rabbit up his ass.

- sh*t.
- Pick a card.

I guess right, you buy me a drink.

- Maybe some other time.
- Oh, bad day?

- Wow. You are magic.
- Here.

Just for fun. Which hand?

- What am I, six?
- For fun.

Get your mind off things.

That one. I watched you pick it up.

Which hand? For fun.

I know you're having enough trouble
finding money as it is, right?

- What?
- Which hand?

Two out of three. Which hand?

- Wait, that was two out of three.
- Three out of four.

Just for fun. Can't let
you go up in smoke, right?

- Hey, how did you...
- Pick a hand.

I'm gonna be f*cking wrong!

- Have a little faith.
- [BARTENDER] Alfie, come on.

I was trying to let you win.

Look, pal, screw with someone else, huh?

You know, it's not good to sit
in a bar when you're depressed.

He's gonna keep talking to me.

Sometimes it's good to be
somewhere that makes you smile.

Alfie.

Where would you like to be right now?

- f*cking place but here.
- [ALFIE] Hmm.

What's the opposite of here?

How about... here?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

What the f*ck?

[FINGERS SNAP]

What the hell just happened?

You just bought him a drink.

♪ I'm so lonesome... ♪

f*cking hate magicians.

[♪ THE BARRY SISTERS: "CONEY ISLAND"]

♪ Harvey mentioned his
home, a tropical town ♪

[SINGING IN YIDDISH]

- ♪ In Coney Island ♪
- ♪ In Coney Island ♪

[SINGING IN YIDDISH]

- ♪ In Coney Island ♪
- ♪ In Coney Island... ♪

[ABE] Everyone stay together.

- Oh, boys, look.
- It's not a real mermaid.

- She sold us pickles earlier. Keep moving.
- Hi.

Boy, Abe, are you fun.

This wasn't supposed to be
an all-day outing, Moishe.

Stop that. The agreement was
one ride on the Wonder Wheel,

then home. Stop that.

It did not include the
whole of Coney Island.

Stop that. We have now been
heading toward the Wonder Wheel

for a full two hours.

We've stopped for games and T-shirts

and funny pictures of
us sticking our heads

through cutouts of
bodybuilders and cowboys.

I mean it. It's time we do

- what we came here for already.
- [SHIRLEY] Look what I got!

Here we go! ♪ I scream, you scream ♪

♪ We all scream for ice cream ♪

- [ABE] Oh, for the love of God.
- For Jacob

- and Petey and Moishe and Joely.
- Thank you.

We've come to a dead stop here, Shirley.

And for Rose and for me.

We can give out ice cream
and walk at the same time,

- can't we?
- [ETHAN] Grandma, Grandma.

- And finally...
- Oh, the birthday boy.

By the time we get there...

- Wait, no ice cream for me?
- You don't eat ice cream.

You don't eat anything,
and she got you one.

I got to get something to drink.

We'll lose the others.

Oh, they'll be back.

You know, I schtupped your mother

under this very boardwalk.

Thank you for that.

Just thought you'd like
a little family history.

- Two.
- [VENDOR] You got it.

Everything okay at the club?

Fine. Why would you say that?

You got a look all Maisel men get

when they got work
troubles or prostate issues.

I just...

got these landlords,

and they're a little upset with me.

- Why?
- The club's drawing too much attention

to their other business.

- You know, downstairs?
- Ah, yes.

I can't be at w*r with these people.

For many reasons.

- Then you got to pay 'em.
- I do pay them.

Not rent, you yutz.
Payola. Give 'em a taste.

I don't think that's
what they're looking for.

Of course it is. There's
not a thing in the world

that money can't fix. You see your son?

Had a fit to win that Popeye doll

at the whack-a-mole game back there.

You think he's really such a
terrific whack-a-mole player?

You saw him. All he hit
was the kid next to him.

I slip the guy five bucks,

suddenly, Ethan's the
king of whack-a-mole.

Five bucks. Got the
doll. What did we learn?

Nothing. Including how
to play whack-a-mole.

[ROSE] Abe, please. It was an accident.

You saw we took a wrong
turn and said nothing.

And now we have to double
back around the Parachute Jump,

and if we get vomited on from the sky,

it's on your head. Stop that.

This is a wonderful
camera, Mr. Weissman.

I'm glad you like it. Keep up.

I got beautiful sh*ts of the boardwalk

and the ocean and very funny pony rides.

- Double-time, double-time.
- I was thinking

- we could get one all together?
- Absolutely not.

Hello. We need, uh...

Did you boys bring any money from home?

No? Great. Guess I'm paying.

♪ At the seashore, by the tropical ♪

[SINGING IN YIDDISH]

[BOY] Joey!

Joey!

Tell your parents I'll give
them ten percent of the take.

- [MEI] Joel...
- Just tell 'em.

First of all, I never
said they were my parents,

and second of all,
this wasn't a shakedown.

Whatever it is, that's the deal.

I'll tell them five
and let them say ten.

You're just so much more successful

than you were supposed to be.

So, now that your search and
destroy mission is over...

It wasn't a search and destroy mission.

Just a destroy mission.

Now that it's over,

you still gonna be coming around?

Yes.

A lot. Too much.

It makes you feel any better, the rent

- they're charging you is really low.
- That's something.

They will be raising
it next year, however.

It will be ridiculously high and unfair.

Terrific. I'll see you tonight?

Yes. I'll be in my
rent collector's outfit.

If anyone can pull it off, it's you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[VENDOR] Pretzels! Get your pretzels!

Get your pretzels! Pretzels!

It's short. He owes me a
dollar. You owe me a dollar!

Abe, either go over to
the booth and discuss it

or accept that he owes you a dollar.

But if I go over there,
you will all follow,

- and I will never get this... Stop that.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]

I will never get this
train back on the tracks.

- Who wants some funnel cake?
- Shirley, no.

- [BOYS] Me!
- Say cheese!

Zelda, please. I'm gonna
take that camera back.

Abe, I have to make a call at : ,

so we either have to be
done with the ride by then,

- or we should wait until after.
- Who are you calling?

It's a potential
client, if you must know.

Is this that matchmaking business again?

I-I have to tell you, I don't get it.

Well, you don't have to get
it. Only I have to get it.

How lazy are people anyway?

I mean, they can't just
find spouses on their own?

- You didn't.
- Of course I did.

I met you through a
family friend. Sonja.

Yes, Sonja the matchmaker.

- [MIDGE] Mama!
- Miriam.

[ETHAN] Mommy!

I heard someone had
an unexpected birthday.

- What are you doing here?
- You said you were in Prague.

I did, yes. But...

Explain later. Everyone,
on the cars. Now.

Why aren't you on tour?

Why'd you let them
change our son's birthday?

- It was out of my control.
- Same here.

I wish you'd told me
you were coming back.

We could've moved his
birthday to tomorrow.

I was actually hoping
I could talk to you all

about what happened. Maybe
we could go somewhere...

No time. Rose, move.
Shirley, go with Rose. Oh.

- [MIDGE] But... but, Papa, I...
- Miriam,

we'll pay attention to you later.

Ethan, go. Joel, go. Moishe, go.

- If I could just talk to you for a minute.
- [ABE] Sorry. Jacob.

- Petey, go. Zelda, come.
- [ZELDA] I want to stay here and take pictures.

- Papa, please.
- [ABE] Oh. Miriam, um...

Return this for me.

Mention that he shorted me
a dollar. Don't press it.

I'm not threatening legal action.

But if there is someone official around,

complain in a very loud
voice, then cry and faint.

But... Wait. Wait!

- I want to talk... [SIGHS]
- [MAN] Tickets, please.

- Sorry. I got to...
- [MAN] Lady, what are you doing?

- [WOMAN] There's a line!
- [MIDGE] Mama, I really need...

Oy.

[ROSE] Miriam, I don't understand!

How are you here if you were in Prague

- this morning?
- I decided to come home early!

- [ROSE] Why?
- Because they told me to!

- The Czechoslovakians?
- [MIDGE] No!

- Was the tour canceled?
- [MIDGE] No!

- Just me!
- [ROSE] What?

I said something onstage
that they didn't like,

so they fired me. I was fired!

- No!
- [MOISHE] What?

What did you say? What did she say?

Oh, Miriam, how awful.

- What did you say onstage?
- [MIDGE] Just jokes!

Very funny jokes,

which I must point out
was the job description,

but they got mad and
dropped me from the tour.

At the airport. On the tarmac.

Outside where everyone could
see you? How humiliating.

I'm sorry, did you say you were fired?

Yes, Moishe, I was fired!

That's very disturbing to hear, Miriam.

Especially as your lender.

- I know, Moishe.
- Wait, what did you say?

I'm sorry, Moishe!

Did he say "as your lender"?

[MIDGE] I will make
it up to you, Moishe!

What does that mean, "as your lender"?

Your contract was your collateral.

Do you know what collateral is, Miriam?

I do, but you're going
to tell me anyway.

Collateral is that thing you used

to get me to sell you
that apartment back!

- What apartment?
- [MOISHE] Your contract had numbers indicating money.

And a Christmas special with Bob Hope.

Remember the Christmas special, Miriam?

The Christmas special never
had Bob Hope in it, Moishe.

- What apartment?
- Our apartment.

Our apartment? You bought our apartment?

[MIDGE] Yes, I bought our apartment.

[JOEL] And you borrowed
money from my father?

- Why is that bad?
- It's not.

It sure as f*ck is!

I don't understand. What did she buy?

[ROSE] She bought her apartment!

- [ABE] What apartment?
- [JOEL] Our apartment, Abe!

You don't have an apartment.

Their old apartment, Abe!

I can't believe you borrowed
money from my father!

Joel, I'm not going to
mention that I picked up

on a very insulting
tone there, but I did.

- [JOEL] Why would you do that?
- [ABE] Why would you do that?

Because I loved that apartment!

Because I was happy in that apartment.

I want the kids to grow
up in that apartment.

They won't have a yard!

[MIDGE] I know, Shirley!

Can we get back to the
point that I was swindled

and my son insulted me?

- You did not get swindled.
- I did not insult you,

and she didn't know
she was gonna get fired.

- [MOISHE] She should've assumed.
- Why?

Because you can't tell a joke.

I've told you that
over and over and over,

but you just won't listen!

That's right! You won't!

I will figure out a way
to get you your money.

- How much did you borrow?
- [MOISHE] Why do you want to know?

- I'm talking to Midge.
- Would you like some privacy?

- Maybe I can help her out.
- [MOISHE] With what?

Sonja was not a matchmaker.

- Of course she was.
- [ABE] No.

Matchmakers get paid. No one paid her.

- [ROSE] Your mother paid her.
- What?

Abe, for God's sake, you
were and unmarried!

Plus, your wardrobe.

They had to throw in a savings bond

and a Turkish ceremonial
r*fle set for my father!

That's where he got that?

I need a pen. Who has a pen?

Aren't you supposed to
be prepared for anything?

[MIDGE] That's the Boy Scouts, Moishe.

I need to do some math here!

You do not need to do any
math! You will get your money.

- I don't believe you.
- You think I'd lie to you on my son's fake birthday?

What?

That was our apartment! You
should've discussed it with me.

- Why?
- At the very least, I could've told you

to never borrow money from my father.

How did I become the bad guy here?

Where did you get the
idea to buy your apartment?

How did I wind up in a
cage with Petey and Jacob?!

This funnel cake is delicious.

Ethan!

Is your funnel cake delicious?

Jacob, is your funnel cake delicious?

Petey, is your funnel cake delicious?

[MAN] Hey, lady, shut up!

- You shut up!
- [MAN] No, you shut up!

Two thousand feet in the air.
That's a very dangerous height

to tell a Jewish man he's been had!

What about a Catholic? Is it
a good height for a Catholic?

[MOISHE] Was that the
joke that got you fired?

You'll get your money.

- If I had a nickel...
- [MIDGE] What?

If I had a nickel! But I
don't because you got fired.

[SHIRLEY] Who wants another funnel cake?

I did not intend to
tell everyone this way.

Look, when we get back to the house,

we can sit down and discuss this

like normal, civilized g*dd*mn people!

Okay?

So fun.

- Say cheese!
- Oh!

- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [MAN CACKLES OVER P.A.]

Every day, I get home from
work, and she's left me a list.

"Take out the trash. Fix
the sink. Walk the dog."

- You got a dog?
- "By the way, we got a dog."

Now, I know we've had some problems,

but still, I'm doing everything
I can to make it all up to her,

- and she's not giving an inch.
- Have a good night.

- See you next time.
- Plus, she's never home.

She's always at secretarial school,

which is probably why the lists
she leaves me are so professional.

- So, today, I'm out with Fletcher...
- Who?

The dog. And I'm
thinking about everything,

and I'm starting to get mad.

I decide to confront her. Tonight.

So, she comes home,
and I'm standing there,

all ready for that cold, steely,

Oktoberfest pretzel
waitress stare of hers,

and I say, "Imogene, we need to talk."

She says give her a minute.
She goes into the bedroom.

Two minutes later, she comes out.

Completely naked.

- Imogene?
- I am frozen. Speechless.

And then she smiles and says,
"Have a great night at the club.

Tell Joel I said hello."

And cool as a cucumber,

she turns and just leaves the room.

Are you serious? She
said to tell me hello?

[LI WEI CLEARS THROAT]

f*ck.

One second.

♪ Sahara, where it got to be warm ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

Our first shakedown.

We are officially in
the nightclub business.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

♪ These gallops are... ♪

Bank's open tonight.

Follow me.

♪ Anymore... ♪

Sit.

- Okay. So, what's...
- Don't talk.

Midge needs her money.

- Yeah, I know.
- No.

That's talking.

She needs her money

in order to pay my father
for our old apartment

that, apparently, she bought
back from him yesterday.

Did you know that?

She did it when I wasn't looking.

That's some top-notch managing.

You are kicking a one-legged dog, man.

Okay, well, she needs her money,

so I am going to write you a check.

You will then write her a
check based on this check,

and she will have her money

and will never know that you did not.

Really? Wow, I can't believe
you would do that. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, listen, you are
not most of the things

I have called you in the past.

However...

before I hand this over to you,

we're gonna have a little chat.

- sh*t.
- Yeah, sh*t.

Exactly sh*t.

And you are gonna tell me everything.

What happened to Midge's money,

what you did with it, what
she thinks you did with it,

et cetera.

How big a drink you want?

- This big.
- Coming right up.

[♪ LOUIS PRIMA: "JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS"]

♪ As Dorothy Parker once said ♪

♪ To her boyfriend, "Fare thee well" ♪

♪ Love, love, love, lovely ♪

♪ As Columbus announced
when he knew he was bounced ♪

♪ "It was swell, Isabel, swell" ♪

♪ Love, love, love,
love, love, love, lovely ♪

[SCATTING] ♪ It was ♪

Any messages? sh*t, are you sure?

I was supposed to have
a gig this weekend.

Okay, what about Harry Corn?

Did he have any messages about a gig?

Chip Glenn? Anything for him?

Well, who's got a gig
I can steal over there?

It worked great in Boston, Philly.

I get to Denver, nothing.

Well, it's an East Coast
joke. My lunch joke,

I have a different sandwich
for each part of the country.

- Which sandwich is funniest?
- Hoagie.

- Hoagie is a funny sandwich.
- [SUSIE] Put that away.

Someone sees that check,
they'll follow you home,

knock you in the head and steal it.

Follow me home? That's blocks.

Why not just knock me in
the head right outside?

I'd love to, but first,
can we talk business?

- Of course.
- So, past is behind us.

Shy who? One less what? f*ck him.

- Moving forward, we need a game plan.
- Agreed.

- And I was thinking...
- Well, if it isn't Mrs. Maisel.

I told him not to do this.

I am not doing anything.
I'm just stopping by

to say hello to a fellow
comic and... Oh, look here.

- Have you seen this?
- Yeah, we saw the Jack Ballard thing.

- Oh, this is better.
- What is it?

[SALLY] It's a good,
old-fashioned hit job

- about a certain Mrs. Maisel.
- [SUSIE] What?

[SALLY] You know, she
comes out of nowhere,

and suddenly, she's palling
around with Lenny Bruce

and opening for Shy Baldwin.
Blah, blah, blah. She's a whore.

And there's a picture.

[MUTTERS] "But suddenly,

the seemingly charmed downtown darling

has landed right on her pretty derriere.

Rumor has it she was
unceremoniously dumped

by the Baldwin team right there
on track six at Penn Station.

They left her unemployed
and clutching her suitcase."

At least he likes my ass.

"I hear a similar thing
happened with Sophie Lennon.

Mrs. Maisel has quite the knack
for securing these choice jobs... "

Blah, blah, blah. She's a whore.

[SUSIE] "... and a better
knack for losing them.

What is the real story with
this giggle girl, anyway?

And what exactly happened
at that show at the Apollo?

- I'll get back to you on that one."
- Well, my work here is done.

- You are a sad, little man, Eugene.
- [EUGENE] I am.

But I have my moments.

No, he doesn't.

Who the f*ck is this guy?

- L. Roy Dunham?
- [SUSIE] Don't know,

but he's seen The Sweet Smell
of Success one too many times.

You know what really sucks about this?

That gig? That Apollo
gig? It went great.

- The crowd loved me.
- I know.

And they loved me because
I just went out there

and started talking. I
didn't have anything planned.

I just riffed.

- What's the point?
- The point is

that's always when I'm the best, Susie.

Think about it. Think
about my truly great shows.

Not the good, solid, polished ones

but the ones that were epic.

You know, the first night drunken
tit-wagging show comes to mind.

The Sophie Lennon showcase.

- That one still hurts.
- But epic, right?

The one you arranged with
Lenny. The Penny Pann takedown.

Ruined my marriage and any
chance at happiness, so great set.

- Great f*cking set. Detroit.
- Kansas City. New Orleans.

- Myrtle Beach.
- And now the Apollo.

All those shows, one of a kind.

The kind of shows that only I could do.

- Agreed.
- Susie.

- Miriam.
- You know what's great about me?

- Your humility?
- No.

It's when I'm me.

So, why would I wait until
I finally have enough power

to say to them, "I want to be me"?

- What if they never let me be me?
- They will.

I want to be me every time
I walk out on that stage.

- You will.
- No. Listen,

if I'm gonna do this, Susie,

if I'm gonna leave Esther
and Ethan for weeks on end,

miss their birthdays...

real and fake... their
recitals and school plays,

I'm not gonna do it for
a bunch of lipstick jokes

or bad room service jokes.

- Yeah, but...
- No. If I'm gonna do that,

I'm gonna say exactly what's
on my mind all the time.

Every single show, I
am gonna say something.

Yes. Fine. Clearly, that is the goal.

But if you are gonna open
for a guy like Shy Baldwin

or Pat Boone or Rosemary Clooney,

you may have to do a room service joke.

- Then no more opening act gigs.
- What?

I will only do gigs where
I can say what I want.

- Midge...
- That's what Lenny would do.

[SCOFFS] That's different.
He's Lenny Bruce.

Well, then make me Lenny
Bruce. Make me a headliner.

How am I supposed to do that
if I can't even book you?

I don't know. You're
my manager. Manage me.

Miriam, I hear you. I do.

But you know as well as I do

that's not how the business works.

Then let's change the business.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, my father once said to me,

"If you're gonna have a voice,

you better be careful
what that voice says."

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

Now, he was talking
about anti-Semitic Nazis.

He's always talking
about anti-Semitic Nazis.

Two anti-Semitic Nazis walk into a bar,

and one says to the other,
"Who does your taxes?"

- [LAUGHTER]
- But a voice... Thank you.

But a voice is a powerful thing.

It can shine a light on something
that is hiding in the dark.

It can make a couple of guys
sit when they want to go.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [WOMAN] Yeah, sit down!

It can change the way people think,

which can change the way people act.

But it can't do anything
if you keep your mouth shut.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

Well, lesson f*cking learned.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
- Thank you and good night!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLING]

[♪ LESLIE UGGAMS: "BEING GOOD"]

♪ Being good ♪

♪ Isn't good enough ♪

♪ Being good ♪

♪ Won't be good enough ♪

♪ Got to fly ♪

♪ And if I fall ♪

♪ That's the way it's got to be ♪

♪ There's no other way for me ♪

♪ Being good ♪

♪ Just won't be good enough ♪

♪ I'll be the best ♪

♪ Or nothing ♪

♪ At all ♪

[♪ EDDIE COCHRAN: "SOMETHIN' ELSE"]

♪ A look a-there, here she comes ♪

♪ There comes that girl again ♪

♪ Wanted to date her
since I don't know when ♪

♪ But she don't notice me when I pass ♪

♪ She goes with all the
guys from outa my class ♪

♪ But that can't stop me
from a-thinkin' to myself ♪

♪ She's sure fine-lookin',
man, she's something else ♪

♪ Hey, look a-there, across the street ♪

♪ There's a car made just for me ♪

♪ To own that car would be a luxury ♪

♪ But right now I can't afford the gas ♪

♪ A brand-new convertible
is out of my class ♪

♪ But that can't stop me
from a-thinkin' to myself ♪

♪ That car's fine-lookin',
man, it's something else ♪

♪ Hey, look a-here, just wait and see ♪

♪ Worked hard and saved my dough ♪

♪ I'll buy that car
that I been wanting so ♪

♪ Get me that girl, and
we'll go ridin' around ♪

♪ We'll look real sharp
with the flight top down ♪

♪ I keep right on a-dreamin'
and a-thinkin' to myself ♪

♪ When it all comes true, man,
wow, that's something else ♪

♪ Look a-there, what's all this? ♪

♪ Never thought I'd do this before ♪

♪ But here I am a-knockin' on her door ♪

♪ My car's out front,
and it's all mine ♪

♪ Just a ' Ford, not a ' ♪

♪ I got that girl, an'
I'm a-thinkin' to myself ♪

♪ She's sure fine-lookin', man,
wow, she's something else ♪♪