11x05 - May Cause One Year of Orange Poop

[bunniefuu]

[Title music]

[Cackles]

♪♪

[Clicks]

♪♪

MAN: It's alive!

♪♪

[Cackles]

♪♪

[Cackles]

[Thinking] Oh, Arnold.

The circumference
of your giant football head,

it's like you want me
to notice you.

- [Grunts]
- Oh, I'm sorry!

Watch where you're going!

- I'm internal monologuing!
- Ow! Ow!

My wheelie scooter!

Did I just k*ll someone?

No, I didn't.
You made me do it, Arnold.

I k*lled for your love.

We're bound to be together, Arnold.

We just have to get rid of
the people who stand in our way.

That's weird. Gerald was
supposed to meet me after school.

It may be hard to handle at first,

but you'll realize it was for the best.

I did this to protect you.

That's weird.
Grandma and Grandpa said

they'd be home in time for dinner.

You have no choice but

to love me
just as much as I love you.

Helga? Also Abner!

- Bedtime!
- [Grunts]

Hey, Arnold.

You don't know how long
I've waited to say that.

Helga, you're a m*rder*r.

If you only knew that
you were a m*rder*r, too.

A m*rder*r of my heart,
my soul, my loins.

Uh, hello?

Sorry, slipped into my
internal monologue again.

Aw, screw this. Hyah!

Huh, really should've made

my macaroni hostage cage
a little sturdier.

Oh, Arnold, I didn't know you
were into this kind of thing.

So hot!

- Hey, Arnold.
- What, g*dd*mn it?

- Huh? Last words.
- Wait, my obsession is dead.

Kind of frees up a lot of my time.

Maybe I work on becoming a more
three-dimensional character.

- [Coughing]
- Hey!

- Drink some water!
- Get help!

Oh, my God, are you alright?

Does anyone know the Heimlich?

[Roaring]

[Chuckles] Okay,
why aren't you guys screaming?

Steve?
What the [bleep] man?!

- What?
- What "what?" You stole my moment!

Jerry, the world doesn't revolve around

- you insecurities, you know?
- [Bleep] you. I quit.

You can just k*ll the rest of
the crew by your own damn self.

MAN: Tokidoki, I've returned to base.

Copy that, Tokidoki leader.

Stop picking at my ship, you jerk.

Whoa! My donut UFO is delicious,

but you're destroying the aerodynamics!

Fine, have it your way.

Suck my sprinkles!

[Laughing]

[Birds squawking]

No, no, please! I have a
family, I have a family.

- Don't do this!
- Oh? Tell me more about this family.

Is that Daddy, Mom?

Please, not in front of my family.

No, no. You've got it backwards.

No! Bam!
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Bam!

- Not my kids!
- Spread the word.

- Donutella's UFO is off limits to birds.
- [Bleep] you!

You let your UFO get ate by birds again?

You know every time we fix
it, we got to bake a new donut.

Costs us like bucks in ingredients.

I just k*lled a bunch
of crows over bucks?

You mean m*rder?

A bunch of crows is
called a m*rder of crows.

Oh.

♪ Marble Mob ♪

♪ Protectors of the art world ♪

♪ Super-famous statues
on a global search ♪

♪ For art thieves, forgers ♪

♪ And illegal merch ♪

- David!
- It's bigger close up.

- Venus!
- Not armed, still dangerous.

- Thinker.
- I think, therefore I kick ass!

- Man that can piss!
- You're really pissing me off.

- Abe Lincoln!
- Lincoln smash!

♪♪

♪ Marble Mob ♪

Oh, we got a hit on Van Gogh's
The Painter on His Way to Work.

- Stolen by the Nazis in .
- Art thieves really pissed me off.

I think... he should
wear a diaper, right?

There's piss everywhere.

I arranged a meet-up with
a seller in South America.

A Mr. Johnny Bourbon.
He wants $ for the painting.

Landing.
That painting is worth mil.

- Sound like good deal.
- I think... it is a trap.

[German accent] Hello!
I am Johnny Bourbon,

a normal South American surfer
dude with a priceless painting

I need to sell cheap so I can
buy more Huarache sandals, yo!

First we're gonna need to
verify the work's authenticity.

- Venus?
- X-ray arm power, go!

- It's a forgery trap!
- Fools! [Laughs]

I lured you here for
one last n*zi art heist

of the greatest statues of all time,
the Marble Mob!

Which is a weird name since some of you

are clearly made of other materials.

You're marble. That's fine.
But that's... clay?

Marvel Mob, mop up!

- Super high jump!
- Forward and upward motion!

- Super landing!
- Earthquake!

I can't swim without arms!

♪ Marble Mob! ♪

Mr. Dracula, here's
your insurance card back.

Thanks a lot. [Chuckles]

Do you see the pun...
Blue cross?! Aah!

Oh, sorry, you're with Kaiser.

- Sorry I stole your Batsuit, Bruce.
- It's Mr. Wayne to you.

Everyone thinks they can be Batman
without putting in the work.

Sir, I'll do whatever it takes.

Fine. Your training starts now.

Open the walker.
Close the walker.

Stir the Metamucil.
No clumps.

[Grunting]

Stew the prunes. Faster!

You're ready.

♪♪

Remember the training, kid.
Open the walker.

Stir the Metamucil.

Stew the prunes.
Behind you!

- Bat coffee enema!
- Uh, that was not part of the training.

Whoa. Oh, my God.

I think we've learned
something about enemas, though.

And this is my moving castle.

- So you live in your car?
- Uh, no, it's different.

♪ I am the cat who likes sleeping! ♪

♪ I am the cat who likes cheese. ♪

♪ I am the cat who does cat things. ♪

♪ I am the cat who says, "Please." ♪

- ♪ I am the cat who wears clothing! ♪
- ♪ I am the cat who wears none. ♪

CATS: ♪ Like you watching
us on the big screen ♪

♪ We want our lives to be done ♪

♪ But Old Deuteronomy
won't let us die ♪

♪ Why, Deuteronomy, why? ♪

- GARFIELD: ♪ It must be a Monday! ♪
- CATS: ♪ Monday ♪

GARFIELD: ♪ I am the
cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ Mondays, bah, Mondays ♪

♪ I am the cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ I'm Garfield, the Monday-hating cat ♪

CATS: ♪ He's okay with
Tuesdays and Wednesdays ♪

♪ And Thursdays and Fridays are fine ♪

♪ Saturday's good, and Sunday is a pit ♪

GARFIELD: ♪ But Monday's
a pain in my behind ♪

♪ I'm not morbidly obese,
I'm under-tall ♪

♪ I'll steal your lasagna
and I'll eat it all ♪

♪ I'm handsome as hell,
that's just my curse ♪

♪ Oh, I'm late for my nap,
so let's finish this verse ♪

♪ Obnoxious yawn! ♪

CATS: ♪ He's Garfield,
the cat who hates Mondays ♪

♪ Mondays, blah, Mondays ♪

♪ He's Garfield,
the cat who hates Mondays ♪

I've chosen!
Garfield gets to die.

GARFIELD: [Sighs]
Off to die.

[Bleep] Mondays.

CATS: ♪ He's Garfield,
the Monday-hating... ♪

GARFIELD: Words from the afterlife.
Shut the [bleep] up.

[Romantic music]
[Moaning]

Hey, could you two tone it down?

You're not the only ones who
signed up for the Groupon.

Everyone, we didn't make it to
semi-regional national almost

world's tri-state college
a cappella championships.

But there's always next year
for the City College Queens!

Dun-dun-dun-duuuun!
[Rock music]

I heard this is where the
City College Queef Club meets.

Well, get ready, ladies,

'cause I'm about to let one...
♪ riiiip ♪

[Queefs] No, we're the
City College Queens.

An a cappella group.

Sounds like one of
them mouth fart bands.

Just queefing with you
upstairs holes instead.

- Can you please leave?
- Actually, I can't. Turns out if you

take a blackout wiz in the
quad fountain enough times,

it's grounds for a lawsuit,
so the school board boners

made me choose between
community service and Glee Club.

Guys, we do need
someone on backup vocals.

Lisa has nodes.

From choking down too
many chodes, am I right?

- Lisa has throat cancer.
- Deepthroat cancer.

[Laughs]

Sorry about your friend.

♪ Me, me, me, me ♪

Wow, check out the narcissist.

- It's actually a traditional vocal warm-up.
- So's this!

Okay, let's move on to song selection.

We can only perform
these common-use songs

approved by the school.
Okay, let's go from the top.

♪ Put her in the
kitchen and lock her up ♪

♪ Smack her on the backside ♪
[Slap]

♪ If she's causing a fuss ♪

And people say I set
women back years.

Dang, an underground rave?
You a-ca kids go hard!

- ♪ We're gonna pump you full of song ♪
- It's not a rave.

It's a riff-off!

♪ 'Cause the singing is so sexy, sexy ♪

- Who are these Backstreet b*tches?
- The Note Nailers.

The college literally
pays for their songs

so they can sing about
more than cooking dinner

- for their husbands.
- Hey, [bleep]-appella!

The only thing getting
nailed tonight are your nards!

[Grunting]

Dang! That's some very
gib sh*t right there.

Since the Note Nailers are in the
hospital with broken penises...

- Thank me later.
- Oh, my God.

It looks like we'll be
representing City College

at the tri-state semi
final quarter penultimate

like almost there, but not but kind of,

oh, my God, regional
a cappella tournament!

- Now for song choice.
- I'm gonna stop you right there.

We're going to hit
them with an original.

[Cheers and applause]

- ♪ Queef, queef ♪
- ♪ Just a girl with a wanted hole ♪

♪ Lookin' for the perfect man pole ♪

♪ She couldn't find
a good dong anywhere ♪

♪ Don't settle for a tiny peen ♪

♪ Whoa, it's sad
when you can't feel a thing ♪

♪ Now it's time fo-o-or ♪

♪ Queef solo! ♪

[All queefing]

[Grunting]

[Grunting intensifies]

[Queefing continues]

[Microphone feedback]

If you don't give us all s,
you're sexist pigs.

ANNOUNCER: The Queefs win!

Although I'm conflicted
about how they did it.

[Cheers and applause]
[Rock music]

Tuck that, Ryan Murphy.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.