11x09 - May Cause the Need for Speed

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music plays]

[Cackles]

##

##

MAN: It's alive!

##

[Cackles]

##

[Cackles]

[Chuckles] Where are your red
balloons? I'm running low.

We're out of red balloons, actually,

- but we have these balloons.
- I'll make it work.

[Both grunting]

##

Stupid living skeletons.

What's even holding you guys up?

My bones are holding me up.

Bones are connected
by ligaments and tendons.

I guess I don't get
what you're asking.

Oh, listen.
This is your ulna.

This is your radius.
This is your humerus.

Therefore, if I cut away
your ulna and radius

from the humerus with my sword,

- like so...
- What?! Dude!

...am I even cutting through?

It's a containment field
that binds us together.

- Where'd you hear that?
- We all got a pamphlet

when they formed us
from the Hydra's teeth.

And you read this pamphlet
with no eyes?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You just blew my mind.

- [Gasps] We don't have minds!
- We don't have minds!

See? It's bananas
from start to finish.

I'm flipping out, man.
I'm flipping the [bleep] out.

I'm scared, man.

- Hold me tight.
- I'm scared, too.

I'm just gonna leave you to this.

♪ Tattoo, tattoo ♪

My Maui demigod powers
will be unmatched

once I have the sea
tattooed across my back.

Uh-huh.

ANNOUNCER:
And now a sneak peek at

the gender-flipped reboot of "Splash."

Well, I'm certainly... hooked.

- I wish the Cat in the Hat were here.
- Me too.

As you wish.

- I take it back.
- What?

I'm experimenting with my look.

- You look like a reply guy with a ska band.
- What's a ska band?

- You look like a Reddit user with a podcast.
- Redditor...

You look like a guy who watches

- Little League games through binoculars.
- I hate sports!

You look like a guy who sleeps

in the supply closet of a GameStop.

You look like
Sugar Ray's tour manager.

I manage the sh*t out of Sugar Ray.

If we're gonna find the ghost
that's haunting this old

rock 'n' roll venue,
we need to split up.

Daphne and I will go this way.

And, like, Scoob
and I will go this way.

Ha ha!

Oh. So the ugly one's left alone
to be m*rder bait again.

Awesome, guys.

- Ohh!
- [Laughs evilly]

You're trespassing in the home

of the Diabolical Disc Demon.
Prepare to be...

Oh [bleep] sh*t!

Let me guess.
You're a middle-aged white guy

posing as a phantom rock star

in order to scare
some record producers

- out of their royalties.
- Well, when you summarize it,

I sound like a [bleep] dork.

I'm going home to put my
head inside a box of wine.

- You know, I like boxed wine.
- Ohh!

- Oh, yeah!
- Ow! I'm taking your vag*na

straight to the top
of the charts, baby.

Should I...
Should I take the mask off?

No! Leave it on!

It stays.
Why break the mystery?

VELMA: The Scooby g*ng never
caught another villain,

but I caught them all...

plus herpes from the Miner er.

The Scooby g*ng's Yelp reviews
fell to zero stars.

Revenge was mine.

Velma, can I tell you a secret?

Last time we all split up,
Fred and I made out.

- [Chuckling]
- Oh, Daphne, you're so bad.

##

Give me the child.

Let me rule over you, Sarah,

and you'll receive
everything a girl could want.

Love me, and I'll forever be your sl*ve.

Dude, I'm .
You are so canceled.

Canceled?! Now, let's not
blow this out of proportion.

I mean,
we both made mistakes.

You, you wished your brother away.

Yeah. I'm a moody teen.

You're an adult man
gyrating in spandex,

saying you want to be my sl*ve.

What's next? You gonna ask
for a picture of my feet?

- You're so gross.
- I'm an eternal being.

It's not sexual for me.
Look into the crystal.

You'll see a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

Oh, my God. And the magic
tricks you're always doing.

No way you learned those
to impress adult women.

Wait, is that why you stopped time?

So girls like me will never turn ?

Well, now you're just twisting

- everything to make it seem worse.
- Oh, my God!

Just wait until
I post about this on Twitter.

Wait, Sarah. Come on now.
I'm begging you.

These goblins depend on me.
I have a career as a king.

Yeah. We haven't even
covered the power imbalance.

You're a monarch,
and I'm a babysitter.

I remember. [Gasps]
I remember the words!

- # MeToo!
- Ruinous response!

Ooh!
This mattress is just right.

It's not too big,
it's not too small.

Get out of my store, you freak.

[Slow music plays]

Dude. I can't believe
your dad volunteered

- to chaperon the dance.
- Ugh!

I know.
So embarrassing.

- Hi, son.
- Holy sh*t, dude. Pig Boy's here.

- Pig Boy's here!
- He's right there!

[Squeals]

- YOUNG MAN: Pig Boy!
- [Snorting]

Gah!
Pig Boy is so cool.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! Dude!

Pig Boy's eating your dad's pants.

Okay, now, please... Hey,
please stop chewing.

Oh, my God!

Pig Boy, the most
popular boy in school,

is eating my dad's pants.
So cool!

Hey, Logan, is that your dad
being chased around by Pig Boy?

No, Pig Boy, stop.

Please, someone help me.

- Uhh... yeah?
- Wow. You must be really cool,

if Pig Boy is chasing
your dad around.

Oh, you're crushing it, dude!

YOUNG MAN: Hey, is that your dad
getting eaten by Pig Boy?

Remember me as more
than just this torso.

Pig Boy totally ate your dad!
Awesome.

That makes Logan the second
most popular boy in school,

right behind Pig Boy.
That's the rule.

TOGETHER: [Chanting]
Logan! Logan! Logan!

[Choking]

Aaahhhh!

Dude, bro,
Pig Boy's choking on your dad.

[Record scratching]

Don't die on me, Pig Boy.

[Squeals]

[Crowd cheering]

TOGETHER: [Chanting]
Pig Boy! Pig Boy!

Oh, Pig Boy,
what would we do without you?

Pig Boy! Pig Boy!

Ah, here I go close
the time loop.

- Into the steel.
- No!

- This is cheese.
- Cheese?

Affirmative.
Nacho cheese.

- It's actually pretty good.
- Huh?

[Siren chirps] MAN: Hey, you kids!
Get out of the cheese!

Oh, no, it's his cheese!
Run!

Hey, if some hooded thug
comes at me, I stand my ground.

You step to me,
you're gonna [bleep] die.

Um, I'd like to file, like,
malpractice suits.

Did I drink too much
beet juice again?

No, Anna.
You're getting your period.

Hello.
I'm Menstrual Care Bear.

I thought Care Bears
brought things like cheer

and birthday wishes.

Oh, we provide
whatever children need

at any particular moment.

Hugs, rainbows,
feminine hygiene products.

Let's go!

- Why does this hurt so much?
- Uterine cramping.

Of course, the pounds
of Funfetti frosting you

just inhaled like an anteater
to distract

from the pain didn't help.
[Laughs]

Here, take some painkillers.
Yay.

[Grunting]
Whee!

Whoopsie!

That may have been a bit
over the recommended dosage.

That's supposed to go up there?!

But don't leave it in
for more than eight hours.

You could get
toxic shock syndrome and die.

- I could what?!
- Now, you get a running start,

and I'll spear your vag*na.

- This is how all girls do it.
- Ahhh!

Well, this has been fun,
but don't worry.

I'll be back before
you know it... in days.

Every month?
This is the worst!

If I don't show up,
you get to meet Natal Care Bear.

Putting in a tampon's way easier
than getting your GED, kid.

Aaaaahhh!

They said it couldn't be done,
but I played "The Sims"

for eight days straight, living
on nothing but Alpine frost,

Mountain Dew, and Adderall,
and I'm doing fi... ine!

[Snoring]

[Yawns]

[Speaking foreign language]

Was that Simlish?

Oh, my God. I've "Jumanji'd"
myself into "The Sims"!

Good morning, sleepyhead.

You're my Sim wife?

- Oh, my God! So cool!
- Want to WooHoo?

I'm sorry.
Do you mean my Woo in your Hoo?

Yes, please.

- WooHoo!
- Wow, that was amazing!

I didn't even have to
take my clothes off.

Honey, I think I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna be a dad?
I freaking love being a Sim!

♪ Being a Sim
is the best kind of life ♪

♪ Just had a baby
with my super-hot wife ♪

♪ Not clear what my job is,
but it pays real good ♪

Check it out.
I bought a spaceship!

♪ And if I run out of money,
I just say "rosebud" ♪

♪ I love being a Sim ♪

[Deep voice] # Oh, yeah #

Wow, another great day
of being a Sim!

What the...

Oh, God!
It's happening again!

- He's getting bored.
- Who's getting bored?

The teenage boy
who controls our universe.

Every now and then, he gets
bored, and things go bad.

Hey, he deleted the bathroom.

He knows that without it,
we'll piss ourselves.

And he thinks that's funny.

- That sick son of a... [Sloshing]
- Aw!

You know, that is kind of funny.

Does it eventually evaporate,
or do we have to clean this?

We have to go. Soon he'll start
dropping people in pools

- so they drown.
- To the spaceship!

- Whee! Ha ha!
- Aah!

See you in hell,
mysterious demigod.

- Aah!
- Oh, no. Aah!

##

[Gasps] Oh!
Oh, my God. It was me all along,

I was the bored demigod
torturing those poor Sims.

[Sniffing]

Oh, man.
And I pissed myself for real.

Well, this isn't fun at all.
Well, I guess

I'll just take out my anger
on those digital hostages.

They don't really have
feelings after all.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.