05x14 - A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

Episode Transcripts for the TV show "Young Sheldon." Aired September 2017 - current.*
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It's 1989, Sheldon Cooper is nine years old, living in East Texas and going to high school after skipping 4 grade levels. Spin-off prequel to The Big Bang Theory
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05x14 - A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

Post by bunniefuu »

ADULT SHELDON: Scientific rivalries

are a fact of life.

When two competing
scientists work on a project,

it can devolve into an
intellectual boxing match.

Over the years, there's been a
few classic heavyweight bouts.

- Newton and Leibniz.
- [bell ringing]

Tesla and Edison.

And in a lesser-known
but equally brutal bout...

ANNOUNCER: Linkletter versus Sturgis,

The Tussle with No Muscle.

Let's see how they stack up

in a tale of the tape.

In the wire frame glasses,
the Eureka from Topeka,

Grant Linkletter.

IQ: .

Papers published: .

Bedtime: : .

And his opponent,

in his favorite sensible shoes,

The Brain from Maine,

John Burgess Sturgis!

IQ: .

Papers published: .

Bedtime: : on weekdays,

: on Saturday night.

Fasten your thinking
caps and let's get it on.

The free-streaming length
of the axion is too long.

It'll erase the fluctuations.

You're completely forgetting

that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.

You'll never have the resolution

to see microkelvin features.

I think your brain is as
smooth as the top of your head.

Low blow, Grant.

He's right, gentlemen,
let's keep it to science.

You'll never have the resolution

to see microkelvin features.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪


I cannot work with that creepy
little know-it-all one more day.

I-I'm sorry, but are we talking
about Sheldon or Sturgis?

Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.

He's not interested
in anyone else's input.

I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?

Linkletter.

Ah, got it. Continue.

Well?

But I thought you wanted

Dr. Sturgis on this project.

I'll admit John has been useful, but now

he's just slowing us down.

Well, he keeps Sheldon happy,

and when Sheldon's happy,
he's not in this office.

Well, but when he's not in
your office, he's in my office.

Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

I was brought in to help

but Dr. Linkletter
doesn't value my input.

Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.

Ever since he was brought back,
he contradicts everything I say.

I hear you. That must be tough.

There was a time when
their arguing brought out

the best in them, but now
it's just hindering our work.

I hear you. That must be tough.

Thank you for understanding.

And between us,

I am counting on you being in charge.

Excellent.

You're the alpha dog on this project.

Very good.

But shouldn't we tell everyone?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't
be seen as playing favorites.

But what's important is
that I know and you know.

Smart.

But not as smart as you.

Oh. [laughs]

Which is why, uh, just between us,

I am counting on you to
keep the train on the tracks.

Well, I appreciate
the vote of confidence.

- And the sweet train metaphor.
- Well, good.

You know, I just want you to be happy.

I guess in a way I'm kind of
like the son you never had.

Sure.

Which is nice, because
you're far too old

to have children now.

[laughs softly]

And you make me feel okay about that.

Wait.

$ on pump four, please.

You got it.

Here you go.

What's this?

Promotion for the new lottery.

Every ten gallons, you
get a free scratcher.

Oh, I don't believe in gambling.

Great, I'll take it.

Oh, I don't believe

you should be gambling, either.

So, you don't want it?

- No.
- Then I'm scratching it.

Sorry. Not on my watch.

You can thank me in heaven.

[stammers]

What's this formula?

This wasn't here yesterday.

Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.

Was he trying to be funny?

He was giggling at your
"feebleminded math."

His words.

He's trying to approximate

the cosmic background
radiation by setting it

at one Rydberg over Z,
and mymath is feebleminded?

[laughs]

What do you think you're doing?

I'm changing the estimate

to Robert Dicke's value of kelvin.

I wasn't here the last
time he went off his rocker.

Is this what it looked like?

I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you,

Dicke's estimate is the way to go.

And I'm telling you we need to use

one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.

Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?

Dr. Sturgis.

He impugned my mental stability.

Fair enough. Your insult stands.

Thank you. Beanpole.

Ooh.

Oh, man.

God, I swear I'll never ask

for anything again, just one more .

Thank you.

Melissa Cooper, what
are you doing with that?

I found it.

Well, it is mine, and I
threw it away for a reason.

It's mine now, and I
might win bucks.

Oh, no, you won't.

- I'll split it with you.
- No.

Why are you being so lame?

Because money does not buy happiness.

[sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.

It is not his money,
it's his Uncle Phil's!

[sighs]

[exhales]

[gasps]

Half of that's mine. I prayed for it.

Go to your room.

You're wasting valuable time.

I'm not, you are.

Gentlemen, if we could please keep

this train on the tracks...

We'll be on track if we follow my plan,

so I'm afraid I'm
going to have to insist.

Insist?

You're not the alpha dog around here.

I agree.

This may be hard for both of you

to hear, but President
Hagemeyer put me in charge.

I know for a fact that isn't true,

because she put me in charge.

We may have a problem.

What can I say?

I tried something. [laughs softly]

So you really thought

you could tell us we were all in charge

and we wouldn't figure it out?

Well, in my defense,
I said to each of you,

"Let's keep this between us."

I'm a little disappointed
that you broke my trust.

That is true. We're sorry.

Don't apologize for that.
We were being manipulated.

You were the one who blabbed first.

That's because you kept slowing us down

with your outmoded ideas.

Gentlemen, if we could
just follow my plan...

- No.
- No.

Well, I hope that you're starting

to see the challenge I faced
putting any of you in charge.

You're right, we're sorry.

- Stop that.
- Sorry.

Well, we can't move forward

until a project leader is chosen.

He's right, I'll do it.

- You're a child.
- You're a child.

Oh, you're all children.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, who's it gonna be?

Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee,

director of the new
experimental cosmology center.

What makes you qualified
to lead our project?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I have a PhD in
physics from Berkeley,

I worked at IBM's Watson Research Center

as lead of the materials research group,

and I raised three little boys,

which I understand

you've been acting like.

Sounds like she can handle it.

Dear Lord, please forgive me.

I shouldn't have
finished that scratcher.

That was wrong.

But now that I have the money,
my family could really use it.

I know. Gambling is a sin.

Although, I didn't buy the scratcher,

so is that even gambling?

Why is Missy saying we're rich?

I suggest we mount a
radio telescope on the roof

so that we can get a good read

on the fluctuations in radiation.

Excellent.

We'll pick a small region
of the sky and drill down.

Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes.

We need at least a
-square-degree sector

of the sky in order to take
any meaningful readings.

That's ridiculous. What
we need to do is cut

a single linear section
across the horizon.

No, if we don't focus, we
won't get any useful data.

I suggest arc minutes max.

The trick is to pick a good spot.

You want a trick? Go
see David Copperfield.

How about I make youdisappear?

Do I need to separate you?

Or can we try to put our minds together

for the advancement of science?

The second one.

I know you're new here,
ma'am, but this is our process.

They argue, I swoop in and save the day.

It may seem unorthodox
to you, however...

The-the second one.

I'm gonna tell you right
now, we can't keep it.

It's not a puppy, Mary, it's bucks.

It is gambling.

Then why'd you buy the ticket?

I didn't buy it. They gave
it to me at the gas station.

Okay, well, that sounds
like a gift from God.

You don't want to make Him mad.

That is not how God works, George.

What if he wanted you to
have it to give to the Church?

Well...

Well, uh, based on that, what
if he wanted you to have it

- so we could buy stuff?
- George.

All I'm saying is, we work
hard, we're good people.

Maybe we deserve this.

I guess a dishwasher might be nice.

There you go. Get a dishwasher.

I don't know. I'll think about it.

What's to think about?
Have some fun for once.

Ooh, we getting something
fun with the money?

We're talking about a dishwasher.

When did your dreams die?

- When we had kids.
- George.

I was carrying pulsers feet up

a wet metal ladder

when there was an earthquake.

[chuckles] So, I am
hanging on for dear life...

Ooh, we should set up
several radio telescopes

on different rooftops in an array.

_

You speak Mandarin.

_

_

_

_

I heard my name. What are they saying?

I don't speak Mandarin.
Just a little French.

Oh, really?

_

Ha!

_

[laughter]

Well, does anyone here speak Klingon?

_

- Dr. Lee?
- Sheldon.

May I have a moment of your time?

Of course, come in.

Sit.

How can I help you?

I feel like my contributions
aren't being taken seriously.

Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way,

but I'm listening to
everyone's contributions.

But you're not taking any of mine.

No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis

seem happy with the
direction we're headed.

Well, I think it's because

you're using your feminine wiles.

And what exactly do
you think that means?

I'm not sure, but you
are wearing lip gloss

and seem to have good hygiene.

And if you're trying to use them
on me, it's not going to work.

Sheldon, I assure you

that I'm just trying to do

what's best for the project.

Excellent, then you'll want to set up

several telescopes in an array.

I hear you, but... ghobe'.

Wait, that's "no" in
Klingon. Do you speak Klingon?

I looked up that one word.

I had a feeling it would come in handy.

[grunts]

Ooh, look at the Ultra-Clean Two.

It's got five washing cycles.

I don't know, George,
these are really expensive.

You won the money. Spend it.

Maybe we should just get
a more affordable one.

Everything we do is affordable.
Uh... splurge for once.


It's so extravagant.

[laughs] You'd think
we were talking about

buying a party boat.

It's a dishwasher, for crying out loud.

But the way we got the money,
it just doesn't feel right.

So you're telling me you're never okay

with bending the rules once in a while?

That's not how being a Christian works.

Good to know.

What are you doing?

Oh, just helping you
be a good Christian.

[door closes]

ADULT SHELDON: Dr. Lee had
commandeered the project,

and Drs. Linkletter and
Sturgis were okay with it.

Everyone was being mean,
and I was out of my depth.

I needed advice on how to proceed.

Thankfully, I was mere feet away

from the person who had been mean to me

since she tried strangling
me with her umbilical cord.

What?

So, this Dr. Lee is turning
your friends against you?

Essentially.

Classic move.

Most girls you find crying
in the school bathroom,

that was it.

What do I do?

Well, you're in a tough spot

'cause your personality is ugh.

There's enough people
being mean to me right now.

Sorry.

Can you help me or not?

It's you against a bunch
of college professors.

I don't think you can win this one.

Oh. Do any of them have pimples?

No.

Too bad, I've done a lot
of damage with "pizza face."

He just took the ticket

and stormed off.

I don't know why he cares
so much about a dishwasher.

Maybe it ain't about the dishwasher.

Well, what is it, then?

Mary, I love you, but
sometimes it's kind of like

you're waging a w*r on fun.

Why? Because I have values?

Well, too bad because
they're not going away.

Oh, and fun is down for the count.

bucks?

I guess drinks are on you.

Fine, but is that all
you got from my story?

It's called lightening the mood, George.

Sorry.

But I do think you're overreacting.

Come on.

I... Would it k*ll her to
loosen up once in a while?

Maybe that's just not who she is.

What if it is, just not with me?

Well, what does that mean?

The other night I drove by the church

and I saw Mary and that new youth pastor

just hanging out on the curb,
laughing and smoking cigarettes.

Yeah? And?

Well, that's not enough?

Well, is smoking even a sin?

'Cause I still light up
after a roll in the hay.

The point is, she's capable
of being fun, just...

not with me.

It's not like I don't want to be fun,

but I feel like

I am the only one holding
the family together.

Mary, can I point out that
you weren't exactly like this

when y'all got married?

So? I'm not allowed to grow?

Apart? Okay.

What made you and your
wife call it quits?

George, let me tell you something.

Getting divorced sucks.

- I know.
- You don't.

If you think you're upset
about a $ scratcher,

try sitting home alone
with half your money gone.

I thought you were gonna say something

about love and vows.

Half, George.

And it wasn't a lot when it was a whole.

I said I'd buy your drinks.

Well, thank you.

Wings wouldn't hurt, either.

ADULT SHELDON: My sister thought I was in

an unwinnable situation,

but I knew someone else who faced

a no-win scenario and prevailed:
one James Tiberius Kirk.

The Kobayashi Maru was a simulation

designed to be unbeatable,
but Kirk snuck in

and reprogrammed it so he could win.

All I needed to do was
put my scanning coordinates

into Dr. Lee's radio telescope
to prove I was correct.

It was time for my sneaky face.

[door closes]

Hey.

Hi.

This is yours.

And if you don't feel right spending it,

then you should do
whatever you want with it.

Thank you.

You know, I've been thinking that

maybe it isn't

the end of the world if we
spend it on something fun.

Really?

Yeah, something the family could enjoy.

Well...

we haven't been on
vacation in a long time.

Oh...

Oh. [gasps]

We could go to Houston,
see the Ice Capades.

Let's keep thinking.

ADULT SHELDON: The next evening,
I put my plan into action.

I was just like Captain Kirk,

if Captain Kirk had to
bum a ride from his meemaw.

All I needed to do was
get into Dr. Lee's office

and swap the coordinates.

Nothing could stop me.

Dang it.

Well, here's to male egos

and all the fun that comes with them.

- [chuckles]
- [sighs]

You've had to deal with that a lot, huh?

The first month I was
here, people kept assuming

I was the president's secretary.

Did you correct them?

No, I just told them that
the president was too busy

to see them and then
I cut their funding.

[laughs] That must have felt good.

Ah, it was like taking off my
bra at the end of a long day.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I don't have to tell you.

Can you believe there were
only three women in my major?

Oh, at least you had each other.

Those b*tches? Pass.

What about the guys?

Either too scared to talk to me

or trying to talk me
into being horizontal.

- Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

I've even had projects sabotaged
just to make me look bad.

- You're kidding.
- Nope.

Well, what did you do?

Well, eventually I realized,

[chuckles]: I'm an
experimental physicist.

I can build anything I
want to protect my work.

[alarm sounding]

[coughs]

And thanks to my kids,

I am very familiar with
the movie Home Alone.

[both laugh]

ADULT SHELDON: After a lot of
apologizing, a little begging

and a note from my mother,

I was allowed to keep
my role on the team.

When Captain Kirk faced
the no-win scenario,

he didn't have blue and
yellow snot for a week.

[sneezes] Ew.

[low humming]

Sounds like the ocean.

Oh, it is very relaxing.

GEORGE JR.: Kind of makes

the rest of the kitchen look trashy.

Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor.

What's that?

It makes sure the water is heated

to the correct temperature
for ideal cleaning

- and drying results.
- ALL: Ooh.

[scoffs]

Where are you going?

You're gonna miss the rinse cycle.

I'm not missing anything.

[dishwasher beeps]

Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."
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