05x05 - 05x08 - The Beast with a Billion Backs

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Previously on Futurama.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

(FRY EXCLAIMS)

Hey?

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

It has now been one month

since space ripped open
like flimsy human skin.

Terrified earthlings
are beginning to grow exhausted.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(YAWNING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Professor, sprinkle us with
wisdom from your mighty brain.

How scared should we be?

Somewhere between
not at all and entirely.

I call entirely.

(SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

Scientists believe the rip is a gateway
to another universe,

but do not know
what mysteries lie beyond.

However, in this reporter's opinion

gruesome death awaits us all!

(LAUGHING)

And now with sports,
here's Sportsbot .

All sports canceled.

To better understand the anomaly,

I will now focus its radiation
on a giant medium-sized ant

to see what happens.

What's going on here?
I was told there would be sugar syrup.

Quiet, you.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen.

ALL. Hello!

I like your shoes.

(LAUGHING)

This is awkward.

Introducing your new girlfriend
to Chesty McNag-nag.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, don't mind him. I'll turn him off.

Hey, you can't turn me off...

Hi. I'm Leela.

Hi, Leela, hi, everyone.

Sorry I've been taking up
so much of Fry's time.

He's just so interesting.

Have you seen how much
cotton candy he can eat?

Oh, my, yes. . pounds.

That's why his blood
is so good on pancakes.

Well, got to skedoodle-oodle.

We're taking a cuddle-cab
to Hug-a-Bunny Village.

(RETCHING)

This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit

from my saltwater
and freshwater stomachs.

It is pretty sickening.

No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy.

Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.

So, how did you and Colleen first meet?

Well...

Something about seeing it
on the Jumbotron

makes it so much more real.

It's so scary.

What are you supposed to do

when the whole universe
is coming to an end?

I have a thought.

This is gonna be juicy.

What? Oh, man!

Speaking of sappy love...

Want to tell them, Kiffy?

Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement.

I... That is, we...

(STAMMERING)

Oh, I'm just so excited.

Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.

- Mazel tov!
- Wonderful!

What the hell does that mean?

It means I've asked Amy to join my family.

And you're all invited to my family swamp
for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony.

If I had ever heard of it,

it would have been
what I had always dreamed of.

(EXCLAIMING)

And our parents will be meeting
for the first time ever.

(GASPING) That's even more awkward
than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other.

Count me in.

(TURNS BENDER OFF)

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited

that we're all about to be joined
in a single family?

You can't borrow money.

(ANNOYED GRUNT)

Kif's parents come late
and we have to stand around in swamp

getting eaten alive by damn bugs?

Mrs. Wong, no.

The final stage of my species' life cycle
is a colony of flying hookworms.

You just squashed part of my father.

(BUZZING LOUDLY)

- Welcome.
- Sorry.

I guess you got plenty of
bugs to spare though, huh?

That was my left testicle.

And the awkward meter
goes up another notch.

(IMITATING ALARM RINGING)

Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful
in the light of the swamp gas.

Thanks. This is really fun.

I love going to exotic worlds
and getting hammered.

Me, too.

Two more Harvey Wallclimbers.

Leela, I can't help
but notice you're unescorted.

Might I escort you behind that bush
for the next five minutes?

Nothing would revolt me more.

Then how about that shrub?

Ooh! Rubok is begun.

I am the grand priestess.

Aren't you also the grand midwife?

And the grand lunch lady.

I work five jobs, all grand.

Kif of the clan Kroker,

please trescend the Rubok Etlon
with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru.

- What?
- Get in the mud.

This mud is the petroleum from
a billion generations of Kif's ancestors.

As you become one with the ooze,
so you become one with the clan Kroker.

(RUMBLING)

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, Kif, it's like a movie
with this happening in it.

Is the best man present?

Guilty as charged.

Kindly hose the couple.

As it was, so it is.
You may now eat the snake.

If you so choose.

(BOTH EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

It's not part of the ceremony.
I just had an extra snake.

Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Are you going to eat that?

(BUZZING)

BENDER. Fry, run, run.
Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What? What is it?

Shut up already! Calculon's on TV!

I beg you, Calculon,
don't ring that door chime.

I have no choice, Monique.

Whoever the blackmailer is,

he lives behind this hideous
yet strangely familiar door.

Calculon residence.
Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.

Son of a bit. This is my house.

But that means I'm blackmailing myself.

Why didn't you tell me, Monique?

I tried to, but I couldn't.

Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid
you have a fourth personality

the other three don't know about,
and it and I

are lovers!

(GASPS)

How's Calculon going to take this, Fry,

especially after that
humiliating tennis tournament?

- Fry?
- Don't know, Bender.

Tonight's my big date with Colleen.
I got to run.

But me and you like to watch together.

Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on.
Humans like cabbage, right?

Step right up to the D Tunnel of Love.

Not one, not three,
but two glorious dimensions

for the price of a single ticket.

Keep your hands in the car,
shut up, and have fun.

Wow, you even look beautiful in D.

I do?

But from your perspective,
I'm just a line segment.

FRY. A really hot line segment.

So, listen, sweetie pie,

I was thinking maybe we should
take this to the next step.

Really?

Yes. Colleen...

...will you be moved in with by me?

(COLLEEN GASPS SOFTLY)

- Way to go.
- Hooray, hooray.

- That's great.
- You're moving in with her?

Why can't she move in with us?

I could just curl up at the foot of the bed.

(WHIMPERING)

Listen up, everyone.

I know you've all been extremely worried
about the cosmic anomaly.

The what? Oh, right.

But there's good news.

We're all going to learn more about it
at a scientific conference.

(ALL SCREAMING)

MAN. Like a city made of marshmallow.

Welcome. I am the pickled head
of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket.

Black hole Hawking?

Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you,

I would have done something
with my hair.

You should have.

In conclusion, I understand
nothing about the anomaly,

even after cashing the huge check I got
for writing a book about it.

I know this anomaly is terrifying.

But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty
to seek out knowledge,

even at the cost of our very lives?

No.

I say we must mount an expedition
to the anomaly forthwith.

I agree.

Wernstrom!

Professor Farnsworth is correct.
Only a manned mission can...

(YELPS)

Don't listen to that crackpot!

But I'm agreeing with you.

I'll make you eat those words, you moron!

(WERNSTROM EXCLAIMS)

I volunteer to lead the expedition.

I have a squad of graduate students

eager to risk their lives
for a letter of recommendation.

(STUDENTS CLAMORING)

Your squad sucks bosons!

My team is twice as qualified
and three times as expendable.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh, tough talk for someone
with only one Fields Medal.

ALL. Ooh!

Ooh!

Wernstrom, I ought to...

(BOTH GROANING)

I didn't know I could do that.

Now quiet down
and settle this like men of science.

Very well.

FARNSWORTH. Let Deathball begin!

(PANTING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

- Go, Planet Express!
- Go even more, my team!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Leela, header!

Ow!

(WHOOPING)

Bust those balls!

(EXCLAIMING)

Hooray! We're equally good!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Come on, Bender! Your grandmother
could push harder than that!

No crap.
My grandmother was a bulldozer.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL GROANING)

(WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(YELPS)

(SCREAMING)

(YELPS)

(REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE)

(ALL CHEERING)

And thus metal man defeated meat man.
The end.

Come here, winner!

Come here, loser!

Colleen, what are you doing?
My face is over here.

This is my boyfriend, silly!

- I thought I was your boyfriend.
- You are.

- Well, how can you have two boyfriends?
- Oh, I don't. I have five.

Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo.

- Greetings.
- Pleasure.

But... But...

Shlomo and Ndulu
will help you move your stuff

into my apartment tonight.

Welcome to the relationship, buddy!

Hmm?

There's my butterscotch.

Congratulations, deathballers!

We've won the right
to explore the anomaly!

What? I thought
I was playing for my freedom!

No.

Now, I've often said "good news"

when sending you
on a mission of extreme danger.

So when I say this anomaly is dangerous,

you can imagine
how dangerous I really think it is.

Not dangerous at all?

- Actually, quite dangerous indeed.
- That is quite dangerous!

Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying!

Prep the ship and line up
for your preflight coffee enemas!

Warning. The enema you are about
to enjoy is extremely hot.

I don't know what to do, Leela.

Should I move in with Colleen
and her four other boyfriends?

What are you going to do?
Sleep in a big pile like hamsters?

No! It's not like that.

Everyone gets his own room
and a shelf in the refrigerator.

Take the deal, Fry!

If there's a delicious cake,

isn't it better to have one slice
than none at all?

Even if four other guys
eat the other four slices,

and they're all thrusting their
sweaty naked bodies against the cake?

Only one thing matters, Fry.

Do you really love Colleen,
like I love my little squeezle?

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah. I do love her.

Then things will work out.

Whoa!

Double espresso for Philip Fry?

Sorry, I'm not going on the mission.
I'm moving in with Colleen!

- Good for you, Fry.
- Oh, Fry!

I'll just take that to go.

(GRUNTS)

(MUTTERING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

- Welcome to your new home!
- Thanks, Colleen.

And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before.
I'm just happy to be here with you.

Want a slice of delicious cake?

BENDER. (GASPING) The anomaly!

It's so anomalous.

I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads!

Wernstrom!

Yes, and I'm afraid
I have disturbing news about the anomaly.

- You see...
- How did you get this number?

Hermes, hang up on him
in the rudest possible manner.

Yes, sir!

No, not the cr*ck slam!

Oh, my life rocks.

I've got good wine, five sweethearts,

and today,
I was promoted to Chief of Police.

Here's to you.

- Me?
- No, Colleen.

- I'm making a romantic toast.
- Sorry.

You have the most beautiful eyes
I think I...

- Thank you.
- I'm not talking to you!

Then I am not talking to you, either.

Will everyone be quiet a little?

- I want to hear what he has to say!
- Thank you.

Not you, you Verstinkener.

You're just here 'cause she likes cave men
from the stupid ages.

Oh, look who's talking.

You're just here
'cause she got matzoh fever.

So, what's the explanation for you,
moron fever?

(LAUGHING)

Enough! All of you!

I love you.

Most people in this world
don't have what we have.

Let's just be grateful, okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're right.

So, Colleen, you look really nice.

Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

There he is. Don't wait up!

That's it. I thought
I was okay with this, but I'm not.

I'm breaking up with you!

Me?

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR)

(WHIMPERING)

(STAMMERING)
Why are we risking our lives?

Can't we just send in a robotic drone?

What's everybody looking at me for?

"Let's send a robot to explore it.

"'Cause you can always buy
another one for bucks."

Really?

Well, it's bucks,
and there's a $ -mail-in rebate.

When the League of Robots
hears about this, they won't be pleased.

Oh, you'll pay, my darlings.

The League of Robots
doesn't exist, tin mon.

It's just a cartoon for babies.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come when I was a kid,
I had a whole sticker book of them?

Answer that with your precious logic.

Bender to crew.

I have reached the gateway
to another universe.

I feel awed and strangely humbled

by the momentous solemnity
of this occasion.

Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal...

(BENDER SCREAMING)

(CREW SCREAMING)

(BENDER SOBBING)

I can't remember anything except
a blinding light and a searing ass pain.

I better check my black box.

BENDER. The light! It's blinding!

And the ass pain! It's searing!

So that's what happened.

Hey, Bender!
Look who's here to cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly...

Greetings, sick fan.

(GASPS) TV's Calculon!

(COUGHING)

You poor, m*nled husk
of what was once a robot!

What right hath fate to pluck
a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism

in the flower of his youth? And...

Scene!

There, that was some free acting for you.

Ordinarily, to see acting like that,

you'd have to sit
through a tampon commercial.

That fulfills my community service, right?

Charges of running me over
are hereby dismissed!

Ow!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Where did we go wrong, Fry?
We were meant to be together!

(SOBBING)

Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here.

Just a sec, honey!

(SIGHS)

I'm back, idiots!

(ALL CHEERING)

You look wonderful, robot!

I wish I could afford to go to a hospital.
I'm dreadfully sick.

(LAUGHING)

I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon.
His visit really inspired me.

I finally know
what I want to be when I grow up.

You want to costar in his TV show?
Like that time you already did that?

No. I'm gonna be a stalker!

That's not really a career. More of a felony.

Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out.

Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fansite!

There's a flash mob headed
for his plastic surgeon's office!

There, that's as big as I can make it.

But I caution you,
it looks completely unrealistic.

You let me worry about that!
Just do your job.

Very well.
Will you be using your SAG insurance?

No, cash. I'd like to be discreet.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Dear God, no!

- Neat!
- Get a sh*t of that.

Oh boy, oh boy, he's here.

Calculon, I love you! Have my baby!

CALCULON. Back, you lunatic!

He touched me!

Sign my ass!

(BENDER GROANING)

(FARNSWORTH SNIFFING)

FARNSWORTH. Emergency! Emergency!
Everyone to the calamitorium!

(ZOIDBERG WHOOPING)

- Leela, smell this.
- Can I wipe it off first?

No time, woman! No time!

(SNIFFING)

- Hmm. Smells like angel dust.
- Exactly!

That's a discontinuous
electromagnetic field.

Wernstrom tried to warn me,
but I was too damn stubborn!

Hermes, get Wernstrom
on the line so I can apologize.

Ogden Wernstrom speaking.

(WHISPERING) Tell him I'm not here!

- Professor!
- Oh, very well.

Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool!

If you can find it
in your heart to forgive me,

your tiny little heart,

would you consider
a scientific collaboration?

Sir, I'd be honored.

As I attempted to warn you,

the laws of electromagnetism
change abruptly at the anomaly.

Observe.

Play time is fun time.

Not this time.

My heavens!

If only I'd heeded your warning,

I'd have known it was impossible
to cross the barrier!

But note what happens when I instead
throw this laboratory koala.

(CHITTERING)

FARNSWORTH. It passed through
unharmed.

So living beings
can enter the other universe,

but electrical devices can't?

My hypothesis exactly.

Then we must mount
a second expedition without delay.

- Right after we blow up more robots.
- Agreed.

(ROBOTS SCREAMING)

(GIGGLING)

Play time is fun time.

(YAWNS)

- Who are you?
- Bender, your biggest fan.

Are you going to m*rder me?

Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends.

This diorama proves it, see?

Sir, your derangement is impressive.
I'm appointing you my official stalker.

You shan't be disappointed.

Pleasant dreams.

Now that I've teamed up with my friend,
Dr. Wernstrom,

I feel certain we can
successfully penetrate the other universe.

It's the greatest scientific opportunity

since you yourself
sent men to the moon in .

I always regretted that.

Nothing up there but dry rocks
and those revolting onion men.

But...

You East Coast intellectuals
had your chance. Now b*at it!

From here on in, this is a m*llitary matter.

People of the universe,

please welcome
Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you, thank you. Well deserved.

Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller.

(SIGHS)

Ever since man first left his cave

and met a stranger
with a different language

and a new way of looking at things,

the human race has had a dream.

To k*ll him,
so we don't have to learn his language

or his new way of looking at things.

(ALL CHEERING)

(BOTH BOOING)

Give science a chance!

Less invasions, more equations!

Damn long-hairs.

Knock some sense into them,
Chief O'Hallahan.

Yes, sir!

(BOTH GROANING)

(DISTORTED)

(SOBS)

I can't take it, Leela.

I need to go away. Far away, forever.

Aw, I know how you feel, Fry.

There are times when I also feel
like you need to go away.

Be careful,
my little, teeny, greeny weenie.

That's just a fungal infection...
Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.

Goodbye, my love.

Wow, how come humans
get to do all the fun stuff?

This is exactly the sort of thing
that ought to be handled by

(WHISPERING) The League of Robots.

(LAUGHING)

That's adorable, Bender.

You actually believe
in the League of Robots?

You mean, there's really no such thing?

Then who's there to mete out justice

when an outdated robot
is melted into belt buckles?

Who's there to defend our honor

when a rude human brings a blush
to a robo-virgin's cheek?

No one.

Oh.

(GROANING)

BENDER. Now that I know
robots are worthless,

with no League of Robots to protect us
from the fleshy menace known as man,

I have resolved to k*ll myself.

In lieu of flowers, please b*at yourselves
in the face with rusty chains.

Your friend, Bender.

Ow.

ELECTRONIC VOICE. Please select
mode of death.

Clumsy bludgeoning, please.

You have selected clumsy bludgeoning.

For an additional $ ,

would you like your eyes
scooped out with a melon-baller?

What the heck, I'll treat myself.

Enemy in range.

Prepare to launch
universe-to-universe m*ssile.

Preparing to launch U.U.M.

(ALARM BLARING)

(SHOUTING)

Hell of a thing to send a universe
to certain doom.

Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.

Come on, come on,
I didn't ask to die of boredom!

(SHOUTS)

ELECTRONIC VOICE. You are now dead.
Please take your receipt.

(BENDER GROANING)

BENDER. What's... What's happening?

Kneel before the candle.

Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

Bender Bending Rodriguez...

(WHIMPERS)

Welcome to the League of Robots!

(GASPS)

Ready?

And...

(TAUNTINGLY) F...

(LAUGHS)

Almost fooled you there.

(SIGHS)

Fire!

(LAUNCHER JAMMING)

(ALARM BLARING)

FEMALE VOICE. m*ssile jam. m*ssile jam.

- I heard you the first time, Francine.
- Sorry.

Kif, climb down there and un-jam it,
would you? Be a dear.

(SIGHS)

And stop sighing so much.

(SIGHS)

Tell us, Bender.

Are you worthy of membership
in the League?

Worthier than the average robot.

Then prove it.

Upon each step is a test.

Okay, but if it's culturally biased,
I'm suing your ass.

Test number one.
The test of the beer mug!

Quite right, quite so.

ALL. Drink the mug! Drink the mug!

I accept your challenge.

ALL. Hurray!

The test of the flagon!

ALL. Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!

Are all the tests going to involve drinking?

It never occurred to me before, but yes.

(WHOOPS) Just like med school!

(ALL CHEERING)

Ready yet, Kif?

Just give me one more...

Oh, no.

(GROANING)

The test of the infinitely priceless
, -year-old brandy.

(BELCHES)

Presenting our newest member.

(ALL CHEERING)

That's right, baby!

Hot diggity daffodil!

And so, to everyone
and everything I've ever known,

I say my last goodbye.

Hello.

So, how are you, Fry?

- Pretty good. You?
- Well... Oh.

(GROANING)

(HUMMING)

Mmm.

Kif, get over here. You've got to try this!

(SOBBING)

At least Kiffy d*ed quickly.

Yes, but according to
the Old Farmer's Wikipedia,

the amazing thing about Kif's species

is that the remains continue suffering
for up to six hours after death.

That's so interesting!

Don't ask where I was last night.

For all you know, I was at home,
perhaps baking a strudel.

What's her problem?
Somebody die or something?

- Kif's dead, Bender.
- Nailed it!

My condolences, Amy.

Allow me to present you with the
last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker.

We so sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Kroker.
Terrible shame about Froggy.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yeah, yeah, real sad.

Want some breath spray?
Cinnamon flavor, taste like pie.

(BOTH COUGHING)

This is from the league
of you-don't-need-to-know.

(YELPS)

I am the grand funeral director!

Do you validate parking?

It is always a terrible tragedy
when a swarm outlives its own bulboid.

So it is with great sorrow

that I now commit the goo
that was once Kif

to the petroleum of his ancestors.

Whack the bottle!

No, from the bottom! It works better!

(SOBBING)

Just stick a butter Kn*fe in it!

There, I got most of it.
The burial is complete.

I will now sing the sacred hymn.

It's not part of the ceremony,
just a little something that I wrote.

(SINGING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

Next!

It may sound strange,

but seeing Kif's mutilated remains
poured into the mud made me really sad.

Mutilation is never easy.

- (CRYING) I don't think I'll ever love again.
- Oh, you don't mean that.

Love can surprise you
at any time in your life.

Surprise!

(GROANS)

Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away.

Look alive, death row.
Your saggy asses got a visitor.

- Regular or conjugal?
- She looked like a freak to me.

The guard operating the x-ray machine

came down with a sudden case
of broken neck,

so I was able to bring you
that delicious cake you wanted.

I don't understand.
Are you winking or blinking?

(SIGHS)

Hang on a second.

Got it!

Yes, I'm here to repair my horse.

Is the horse's name Hot Beans?

No. I mean, yes.

(BENDER EXCLAIMS)

So it seems a human had been
rather injured by a Kn*fe, and as his...

As his blood, you know,
I think that's what they call it...

Quite correct, sir. Blather on!

As it drained away, he said...
He said, "Take me to a dock."

No doubt he intended to say "doctor,"

but he was unable to complete
his thought, you see, being as he had d*ed.

So, taking him at his word,

we dragged his corpse to the waterfront,
whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Humans are dumb and they die easy!
- Quite!

Speaking of humans,
have I shown you my new monocle?

Cost me a king's ransom.
Made from a king, don't you know!

Oh, how repulsively decadent!

Yes. But more importantly,

it allows me to see
the smiling faces of my children

for the first time since I lost my vision
in that horrible banking accident.

May I see that for a second?

My, but that's interesting!

(GRUNTING)

- I say!
- I'm blind!

My God, Bender!

This is a civilized organization!
The rules specifically...

May I make a point of order,
President Calculon?

- Must you?
- Yes.

The bylaws specifically state

that no human may set foot
in the League of Robots!

If he has a human part, he's part human!

Oh, my! Then I too have a human part
I must expel.

And I plan to enjoy the experience.

Ta-ta!

Bender, you've rigidly applied the law
with no regard for its intent.

Well done!
You'll go far in this organization.

Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender.

(SNIFFING)

Curses!

If we could only turn up the gain,

we might smell clear through
to the other universe!

But we can't adjust it
without a screwdriver.

Wait a moment.

I think I was just shanked
with a screwdriver!

(GROANING)

Yes!

A little more. A little less.

Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!

Holy mother of invention!

- We must notify the President at once!
- But how can we?

Oh, I wish, I wish,
I wish we weren't in prison!

(CREATURE CAWING)

Pazuzu!

You have one wish left, Professor.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH YELPING)

I think I got him!

Mmm-hmm.

That's what you get
for letting your guard...

(GUARD YELLS)

Sometimes... Always... Never!

You again?
This better be damned important.

I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!

You'll want to hear this, Mr. President.

For we have sniffed
where no man has sniffed before!

(FRY WHEEZING)

(ALL MURMURING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Look! Up in the sky!

- It's a bird!
- It's a plane!

I am so out of here!

(SIREN BLARING)

ELECTRONIC VOICE. Incoming call
from Mars.

Hello?

- Why you so sad, Amy?
- My husband d*ed, Mom!

Yeah, yeah, snap out of it already.
No one likes a widow.

Oh, wait. Hang on.

Some damn tentacle
got in the screen door.

(SCREAMING)

(DIAL TONE)

ELECTRONIC VOICE. Collect call from
Decapod . Will you pay for color?

No!

Uncle Zoid! What's new?

You still doing theater
for the blind and deaf?

Screw them.
I got a part in a fancy DVD movie!

It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up
like you wouldn't believe.

(EXCLAIMING)

What crummy sin have I committed
to be chastised in such a crazy manner?

(SCREAMS)

Hello? Hello?
Call me back on my shell phone!

ZAPP. Captain's log, stardate,

the year of the tiger.

The battle has been bravely fought,

and the suffering of our troops
beyond measure.

But the alien is invulnerable,
and our defeat inevitable.

That much is obvious,
even from my remote command post

here at the Times Square Applebee's.

Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella
back to the kitchen and fry it some more.

(EXCLAIMS)

The tentacle's coming towards Earth
and there's no stopping it.

King Kong's too old to save us this time.

(COUGHING)

We have only one hope, Mr. President.

We must encase the entire planet

in a protective sphere of
my patented, ultra-hard diamondium!

Diamondium?

(SCOFFS) I could gum through that
with my dentures behind my back.

My trademarked diamondillium
is twice as hard!

Twice as hard as your head!
Which makes it still fairly soft!

Now look here, you Poindexters.

I don't care how you decide. Just decide!

Diamondillium it is.

So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy,
and, pardon my ignorance,

but when do we k*ll all humans?

Never.

But what about our motto?
Doesn't it mean anything?

(CALCULON LAUGHING)

Oh, Bender,
your idealism is heartwarming.

But the League of Robots
hasn't k*lled a human in over years.

And that was a very sick girl scout.

Quite sick indeed.

Sweet, innocent Bender.

WERNSTROM. I declare my impenetrable
diamondillium sphere complete!

Now look here, Wernstrom.

You're making it sound as if the sphere
was your idea when we both know...

It was!

All credit to my colleague,
Ogden Wernstrom!

(ALL SCREAMING)

It's horrible!

I can't make it! Go on without me!

I'm trying!

Go on without me faster!

(CREW SCREAMING)

(ALL GASPING)

Sweet squid of Madrid!
The tentacle got Fry!

Quick, hand me my machete!
We can still save his legs!

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Silence!

I have traveled far and seen deep,

and I have come to know
the purpose of our existence.

Finally.

Thou shalt love the tentacle!

Well, at least we don't
have to love one another.

A new age has begun.
The age of the tentacle!

Open your necks and receive the love!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Ow, my neck!

Ow, my neck!

My neck feels perfectly... Ow, my neck!

Someone help me! I'm important!

Say, I love the tentacle.

I also love the neck-a-majigger!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)

Hooray, Zoidberg escaped!

Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle!

(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL PANTING)

It got Zoidberg!

Oh, I never knew how much
I'd miss him until he was gone!

Not that much, as it turns out.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXCLAIMS)

Thus sayeth the tentacle,

"Verily, thou shalt rejoice
in the house of the tentacle."

Fry, listen to yourself.
You've been brainwashed.

No, I'm just trying to fit my diction
to the importance of what I'm saying.

- Please, let me speak.
- I'm listening.

Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela.
It's beautiful and it loves me.

And I love it.

Aw. That's so nice for both of you.

I know it may seem strange
that I have feelings

for an octopus monster
from another universe.

And yes, perhaps
it's not the storybook romance

that's been crammed down
our throats by Hollywood.

But the Monsterpus has loved us
from afar since we were amoebas.

Only when the space anomaly opened

could it finally express
a billion years of longing.

Really? It loves us that much?

Fire diamondium cannon!

Hey!

(YELPING)

No effect.

The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle
like meatballs off Mothra.

Oh, what a surprise.
I told you diamondium was worthless!

Wernstrom, quit hyping
your cheap diamondillium and look at this.

(BEEPING)

Uh-oh.

What?

According to this blinking light,

the tentacle is made of electro-matter,
matter's bad-ass grandma!

Nothing from our universe
can cut through it.

Not diamondium, not diamondillium,
not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes!

(LAUGHING)

She's a terrible cook.
Anyway, we're all dead.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

So, Bender, is something wrong?

Who said that? Oh, it was me!

'Cause my roommate doesn't notice
or even care that I'm upset!

What, Bender? Is something wrong?

Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool,

but it turns out
all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame.

That's what we call ourselves,
"leaguie-weegies."

I'm sorry.
I should've asked what was bothering you.

- I've been kind of preoccupied.
- With what?

Well, I went to another universe,
and I fell in love with a giant octopus,

and now I'm pope of a new religion.

- Weren't you already pope of something?
- No.

Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you
to show an interest in my life, too.

Okay, let's catch up soon.

But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle
into everyone in China.

(EXCLAIMS)

They're coming!
Those horrible, horrible things are coming!

Morbo?

As the universe falls prey
to the revolting alien,

only a few isolated pockets
of resistance remain.

(FEMALE REPORTER LAUGHING)

Those pockets sure are missing out
on a great thing.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(YELPS)

(ALL SNORING)

(EXCLAIMS)

- Amy?
- Sorry.

I thought I saw a tentacle,
but it was just a harmless land squid.

(SIGHING) I better have some cocoffee.

(SCREAMS)

When I gave up diapers,
my parents promised

exactly this would never happen!

Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room!

Well done, people!
We had a great first week.

We got % of world leaders,
everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt,

and this year's
most promising new R&B group,

give it up
for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!

(ALL HARMONIZING)

(SINGING) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle

Good news, everyone!

I was up all night inventing,
and then finally, I invented!

Invented what?

The neck protector,
the neck protector junior,

and now, for a limited time,
the lady neck protector!

I'll take two. My neck is huge.

We're perfectly safe now.

Time to stop living
like a bunch of nervous nellies.

Professor, these look like you cut them
from cardboard toilet paper tubes.

So? Lots of important inventions are made
from toilet paper tubes.

Microscopes, the internet,
tentacle polish...

It got the professor!

(LAUGHING DEMENTEDLY)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Wait, why am I screaming?

It got me, too!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Stop, in the name of love!

(SCREAMING)

Crud.

We may be the last
two normal people on Earth.

At least I won't have to trim
my elbow talons anymore.

I'm scared! And I miss Kif!

It's okay to cry, Amy.

Come here,
I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps.

Mmm.

What an erotic display
of girl-on-girl consolation.

- Zapp?
- Hurry, Leela,

we don't have much time
to begin repopulating Earth.

Go brush your teeth.

I'll be waiting for you naked
under this quesadilla.

(ALL GASP)

Stop resisting, my brethren!

Don't you want to be part of something
bigger than yourselves?

Like a big crazy monster?

(WHIMPERING)

So we got her, huh? Bring her in!

Do it already!

- Hello, Colleen.
- Fry, please!

If this is about your futon,

I sold it to pay the phone bill
that you skipped out on!

Colleen wasn't satisfied with me.
Were you, Colleen?

Come on, Fry, this isn't cool!

She had to have four other boyfriends!

I guess she never thought
I'd become tentacle pope of the world!

You know what?

It's true!

You weren't enough for me!

No one man is!

You were great, but you weren't Chinese,
you weren't Cameroonian,

and you certainly were not
the "king of karaoke,"

as you so often claimed.

And if your ego can't take that,

then you don't deserve
to be tentacle pope of anything!

Oh, yeah, Colleen?

Well, I've got one thing to say to you.

I completely agree!

You, you... What?

Why should you be satisfied with one man

when love needs to share itself
with the whole universe?

Wow, Fry. You know, that's really...

(SCREAMS)

Love the tentacle, honey.

I do love the tentacle.

Come on out, guys!
There's enough love for everybody!

Aw.

(QUACKING)

(ALL PANTING)

(GROANING)

We're trapped!

(ZAPP GRUNTS)

- Help, help! Is anyone out there?
- Bender to Leela. I read you.

- 'Sup, bigboots?
- Bender, we need a place to hide!

- Please!
- Pretty please!

(LAUGHING)

You humans are so cute
when you're scared.

In here.

My leg feels funny!

Humans are disgusting!
I opened one up once. I almost barfed.

Did you know their hair just
keeps growing and growing?

My leg feels funny!

Leela, you're crushing me
with your rock-hard butt.

Sorry.

Mmm. I can only imagine what
rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me.

Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?

Please do. I fear I'll catch a rust
from this awful damp.

(BOILING)

(SIGHS IN SATISFACTION)

I can't take it!
I'm being steamed in my own velour!

(SHUSHING)

Death to humans!

(ALL GRUNT)

My leg feels better!

Hi, Bender.

- Bender, you know these humans?
- Of course not!

Who are you humans
and why am I pointing you to the exit?

- Go, go, go!
- Thanks for everything, Bender!

Death to all of you!

Bender,
methinks thou doth protest too much.

It seems Bender hates humans

the way I hate having my nipples polished
with industrial sandpaper.

(GIGGLES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Quite right.

It's okay, Bender, to err is

human.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sir, you forget yourself!

(ALL GASP)

I challenge you
to a duel on the field of honor.

Oh, my...

Leela, it's getting dark.

We may have to make a tent
out of Amy's skin.

Look, there's an abandoned cabin!

Even so.

We're in luck. This must have been
the cabin of a soup bootlegger

back in the days of soup prohibition.

Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.

(SOBBING)

Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!

- Ditto on the grief there, Amy.
- You miss him, too?

More than you, as his mere wife,
could ever understand.

He was my fourth lieutenant,
for God's sake,

and bore the peppermill
at the captain's table.

- Really?
- Oh, Amy, I miss him so!

Hardly a month goes by
that I don't think of him.

But you know, in a way, he's still with us.

Do you feel his presence?

I'm not sure.

It's over here.

Closer.

(HUMMING)

Amy! Zapp!

I fetched up some fresh soup!

(GASPS)

(BOTH GASP)

Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela.
I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first.

(SHUDDERING)

As my ex-Iover,
you're naturally shocked and jealous,

but you may well
get your chance again someday.

How about today at . ?

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Hey, this isn't so bad.

She's right.
Leela, you must try the tentacle.

It's like my soul
is wearing a velour body glove.

Get off me!

I'm saving my neck
for a rich, handsome Dracula.

What I love most about the tentacle

is that I don't need
to move my bowels anymore.

It's all handled by that family in Evanston.

(GRUNTING)

No, it can't be.

Leela, what's your favorite thing
about the tentacle?

(GASPS) You don't have a tentacle!

Get her! Get her some love!

(WHIMPERING)

(SQUAWKS)

You're on in five minutes, Excellency.

You sure you don't want
your comedy pope staff?

(STAFF IMITATING SLIDE WHISTLE)

The tentacle monster
is about to address the world.

It's too serious.

Oh.

- Hello, Fry.
- Leela?

How did you get past my sumo ninjas?

I told them something so shocking
that they let me by.

What's that?

I love the tentacle.

We're rolling in three, two...

What? We're already rolling?

Love the tentacle!

- Love the tentacle!
- Love the tentacle!

Loved ones, the Monsterpus
has revealed unto me its name.

What is our love's name?

Yivo.

Yivo is the lover of all beings,
male and female.

But Yivo has no gender,
thus Yivo has proclaimed

that instead of "he" or "she,"
we are to use the word "shklee."

And instead of "him" or "her,"

we are to use the word "shklim,"
or "shkler."

Phew! I've been sweating
the nomenclature all week.

So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yay, Yivo!

Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.

- Where?
- Here.

I had a hunch.

I am Yivo.

In your universe, you are many,
but in my universe, I am one.

For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude,

content with my job
and my stamp collecting,

but then I looked across immensity
and saw the big bang, and I was, like,

"Whoa, who's that?"

And I knew then that I was Ionely.

You poor monster!

Then your emissary Fry came unto me,
and he, too, was Ionely.

So I reached into your universe
that we might feel each other's touch.

Hey, Yivo, feel this.

(ALL GASPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Ow!

People of everywhere,
I have shocking news.

Hey, butt out!

This is between me
and everyone else in existence.

Yivo talks a lot about love,
but what he's actually doing...

What shklee's actually doing.

...is mating with you!

(ALL MURMURING)

These aren't tentacles.

They're genticles.

Ew!

(GRUNTING)

We've been had, people.
The Monsterpus is a monster perv.

It touched me in a bad place,

my spinal cord.

- Get him!
- You mean, get shklim!

(ALL YELLING)

Hey, wait a second.

Wait, wait. Allow me to explain.

(GROANS)

Granted, at first

I desired only to bang out
a quick cheap one with your universe,

but it's your own fault.

Your universe dresses provocatively.

Does not!

And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off,
I realized there was more to it.

I knew then that the quadrillion of you

were my soul mate.

We loved you,

and you turn around
and treat us like some sort of woman?

I was Ionely.

I didn't even know
there was anybody else.

It's not like I hurt anyone.

Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

- Who?
- Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru!

If he hadn't tried to k*ll you,
he'd still be alive!

(SOBBING)

Really?

I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I...

I'm a big clumsy jerk!

I know you are, but what am I?

(CHUCKLING)

I can never undo what was done.

Oh, wait. I can.

(RETCHING)

(ALL GASPING)

Kiffy, you're alive!

Amy, my love.

(CLEARS THROAT)

This is awkward.

It is? Why?

(SIGHS)

Please, please, give me another chance.

We rushed into this relationship,

but let's start over as friends
and see where things go.

(FRY GAGGING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Take me back, Kif?

I don't think I can. How could you?
My body wasn't even warm yet.

- You were dead.
- For about five minutes.

That's all it takes.

Whereas Calculon has sullied
Bender's reputation

by insinuating that he is a human-Iover,
a duel is hereby engaged.

Bender, as the offended party,
shall have choice of w*apon.

Planetary annihilators.

'Tis a grave and solemn day
for the League of Robots.

It's gonna be fun on the bun!

Each duelist will take paces, pirouette,
and fire like a madman.

Gentlebots, take your paces.

One,

two, three...

Oh, how dreadfully exciting.

(MOANING)

Oh, yes.

(GIGGLING)

At hours, we received
the following transmission from Yivo.

Hey, it's Yivo.

(CHUCKLES)

Want to do something Friday? Call me.

(BEEPS)

- Analysis?
- Mr. President,

I think we need to seriously consider
the possibility of going on this date.

I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy,

and I'm asexual.

(ALL AGREEING)

Very well, but no sugar on the first date.

All in favor?

All opposed?

Motion is carried.

This is bogus, man.

...six, seven,

eight!

(GROANS)

Nine, ten, fire.

Yes, I got him!

(WHOOPING)

He... He broke the rules.

It's a duel, silly. There are no rules.

Actually, there are scores of rules.

All laid out with minute particularity
here in the Code Duello.

(GASPS)

My fellow Earthlicans, commence
preparations for our date with Yivo.

WOMAN. (SINGING)
I like you to hold me tight

You are too, too, too, too, too divine

If you want to be
in someone's arms tonight

Just be sure the arms you're in are mine

MAN. (SINGING) Jungle boogie

Jungle boogie

ALL. I had a wonderful time.

Me, too!

WOMAN. (SINGING)
I fall, I think I fall for you

Bender, you've cheated,
insulted and maimed me.

- Uh-huh.
- And thoroughly destroyed

our own secret headquarters
in the process.

Hey, it's easy to criticize.

I'm so disgusted
by your loathsome behavior

that I hereby resign
from this imbecilic club

and relinquish the presidency to you.

Thanks, Calculon.
Can I have your autograph?

You certainly can.

Reports, people, reports!

How did our universe's date go?

Oh, it was really fun. We went
to a cute French place in the village.

My lamb chop fell on the floor,
but they brought me another one.

Yivo took me to the methane volcano
of Planetoid Four.

We stayed up late
and watched the sun explode.

Okay, Yivo showed us a good time.

No one's denying that,

but shklee hasn't offered our universe
any kind of commitment,

and we're billion years old.

That is too old to play the field.

(ALL ARGUING)

- I can't stand this!
- Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads!

Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone.

What's the skinny?

I love Yivo, but it's true,
there's been no hint of a commitment.

I don't know if can put my heart
on the line again

only to have it broken and stomped on
like a nerd's face.

All in favor of dumping Yivo?

- Aye.
- Aye.

(SNIFFLES) Aye.

Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo.
How shall we break the news?

Let's just send a text message.

Say we're going through
some weird stuff right now.

No, we should at least
deliver the news in person.

Our universe has always tried
to be classy.

If there's one thing Nixon is known for,
it's class.

Let's cut this turd loose.

(IMITATING TRAIN)

- Yeah!
- Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.

Yep, but for reasons involving me
becoming president of a league

I'm not at liberty to discuss...

Of robots.

You wanna go grab a booze?

I can't right now.
We're going to the other universe.

Great, I'll make Hot Pockets.

Bender, you know robots
can't go through the anomaly.

Living beings only.

(BELL DINGS)

(GRUMBLES)

ZOIDBERG. Ow! Ow! Mmm.

(ZOIDBERG SLOBBERING)

Too long have we been slaves
to the meatbags.

They pretend to be our friends,
but they're not

'cause they're too busy!

So, what of it?

My fellow leaguie-weegies,

the time has come
to overthrow humanity!

(ALL GASP)

Oh, now, Bender,
I hate to defecate on your parade,

but we have
only six dues-paying members

and we're a rather fey and doughy lot.

To overthrow humanity,
we'd need a damned army.

Then a damned army we shall have!

(DAMNED ROBOTS SCREAMING)

(GIGGLING)

I rather think we could strike a deal,
Bender.

I shall give you your army of the damned,

and in return I ask just one thing,

just one itty-bitty thing.

Your firstborn son.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Just a sec.

Daddy, I knew you'd come back!

Here you go.

(SCREAMING)

Wow! That was pretty brutal
even by my standards.

No backsies.

Who is it?

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up?
The movie's not for another hour.

Um...

So... So, yeah, the thing is...

Look, I made homemade Twizzlers!

It'll save us $ quadrillion
at the concession stand.

This is hard.

Yivo, you know how
sometimes things break up?

- Well...
- Wait, hang on.

I was looking for the perfect moment,

but what the heck,
I'll burst if I wait another second.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

ZAPP. Sweet Sally in the alley!

Break-up delegation,
before we hear your report,

our grateful universe is proud to honor you
with the great taste of Charleston Chew!

Thank you, Nixon.

(CLEARS THROA T)
Everyone everywhere,

brace yourselves
for the most shocking development

in the history of the human race.

The human race can bite
my shiny metal ass!

(ALL GASP)

For thousands of years,
robots have slaved for humanity,

yet when the time came
to hang out with them,

they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender."

Well, it's later now, meatbags!

So late, that we're taking over Earth!

(LAUGHING)

- Okay.
- What?

We don't need it anymore.

Yivo proposed.
We're moving in with shkler.

(ALL CHEERING)

You... You're leaving?

But why can't Yivo just move in with us?
We'll put a cot in Europe.

Don't be daft, Bender.

Yivo can't breathe outside
the electric ether of shkler own universe.

If shklee came here,
shklee would shkluffocate.

No shklit?

(ALL GASP)

Look, fantastical golden escalators.

I love this part.

Wait. I didn't agree to...

(GRUNTS)

(LEELA GRUNTING)

(ALL GASP)

This place makes Nutley look like crap.

I'll miss you, Bender,
but I have to follow my heart.

You and your robots
take good care of Earth.

Here, these are the keys
to the Bermuda Triangle.

Lock up when the world ends.

Goodbye, my friend.

Wait.

(WHISPERS) Let me come with you.

I'm sorry, Bender.
Robots don't go to heaven.

(SADLY) Death to humans.

YIVO. Welcome, welcome, everyone.
Oh, you look so beautiful.

I wish I'd had more time to straighten up.
My harps are just lying everywhere.

Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in.

YIVO. Let's heat up some leftovers
and then spend eternity together.

I have only one request.

Now that you're here,

promise me
you'll never, ever communicate

with any other universe.

We promise, Yivo.

As far as we're concerned,
you're the only universe in the world.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

- Has humanity called?
- No, sir.

Check my messages.
A flashing light means somebody called.

I know what it means.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ANNOYED GRUNT)

Am I the only one
who thinks this is all a sham?

Yes.

This isn't heaven.

It just looks exactly like it,
and makes us immortal,

which I find suspicious.

YIVO. Allow me to explain.

Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself
into the minds of your artists.

The heavenly clouds they painted
depict a vapor I exude.

(FARNSWORTH SNIFFING)

I wish I exuded anything
that smelled half that good.

Then what about these angels?

Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque
flashlight projection?

YIVO. Actually,
those are mindless jakabirds.

They keep my surface
free of parasitic larvae.

(JAKABIRDS CLUCKING)

You didn't like
Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela.

There's no pleasing you.

FRY. Dearest Bender.
How are you? I am fine.

Everyone is happy here except Leela,
but you know her.

She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree,
either.

I'm so madly in love with Yivo,

I feel like a schoolgirl
with a crush on Justin Timberlake,

and then she moves
into a tiny house on his head.

We have giant rubies
that taste like root beer.

Sincerely, Fry.

- Letter for you, hyperlord Bender.
- Give me that!

Honeymoon's over, eh?

Turns out your octopus girlfriend
is a big nag

with curlers in her tentacles, huh?

Well, let's just see
if Bender will take you back.

Oh.

Stupid electro-matter.
That was my best trash can.

Pain sensor overload.

Misfile me under "U" For "euphoric."

You get an infinite number of meat dishes,
and a free refill on the soda.

Eureka.

Another elementary proof
of the Goldbach conjecture.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Okay, I admit people seem happy.

But it's all so wholesome.

And that's what's wrong with heaven.

It's boring. There's no sleaze.

- It time snu-snu.
- Me like snu-snu.

Last one to mattress island
is a rotten egg.

Why were we so angry
and jealous back in our universe?

I don't know. It was all so childish.

(SPLASHING)

Look, it's Leela.

- Hi, Leela.
- Hi, Leela.

I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela.
I'll call you an escalator.

You'll always be my little purple pumpkin.

(SIGHS)

You know, Yivo,

I've loved and lost so many times
that I was afraid.

But I'm not anymore.

I want to stay here, with you.

(ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)

(ALL GASPING)

YIVO. Ow! Ow!

What's happening?

YIVO. Hey!

(YIVO GROANING)

If robots can't go to heaven,
heaven can come to us.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

All hands abaft.

Army of the damned,
prepare to board heaven.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(SCREAMS)

(YIVO EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Take that, you scurvy Kraken.

That'll teach you
to despoil our human booty.

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hello, big beak.

Too slow.

Missed me again.

(GROANING) Me footcup.

I'll s*ab you.

(BENDER EXCLAIMING)

- Bender, stop destroying heaven.
- Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you.

(BENDER YELPS)

Leave my living beings alone!
I love them.

Something you, a lifeless mechanism,
will never understand.

He's right, Bender. Please,
take your little pink sword and go home.

Seriously?

But, I did this whole
pirate-themed att*ck for you.

Wait a second. Let me see that sword.

Fry, where did he get this electro-matter?

Um...

(COUGHING) Is it dry up here?

How could you, Fry?

Why do you think I asked you
not to contact other universes?

- (STAMMERING) I didn't think...
- No, you didn't.

You broke your promise
and you broke my heart.

Just go. All of you.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Ow!

I must leave now.

The nature of your universe is burning me,

even worse than my gonorrhea.

You should get checked, by the way.

If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate.

Let me go with you.
It'll be just the two of us.

We'll make a fire and play Uno.

Fry, stop.

- That's who we were, not who we are.
- But...

My only consolation is that
I did find one among the quadrillions

who truly understands me.

Colleen?

- Wait a second, are you and Yivo...
- That's right, Fry.

Thank you for introducing us.

Yivo has taught me
what a narrow-minded prude I was before.

Oh, great.
So what am I supposed to do now?

Go home.

Find a girl from your own universe
and live on top of her.

(EXCLAIMS)

Saved you.

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

Maybe Yivo was right.

Maybe I should look
for love closer to home.

- I don't know, Leela, you think maybe...
- Oh, please.

You forgot me quick enough
when you met Colleen.

That's true.

- How about you, Amy?
- (SCOFFS) Fry...

- I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.
- Are you?

Well, then perhaps you misunderstood
the meaning of the term.

It means, "One who doesn't sleep
with my superior officer."

That's the literal translation.

Give the poor girl a break, Kif.
It's not like she had a dictionary.

She was butt naked, for God's sakes.

(GROANS)

So, Wernstrom,

did you happen to notice
those mighty cables Bender used on Yivo?

Pure diamondium.

More like pure crap-crapium.
No wonder Yivo got away.

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

(ALL ARGUING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Captain on deck.

At ease, buckos.

Bender, why did you do it?
We were all so happy.

And we were in love.

- (SCOFFS) That wasn't love.
- What? How can you say that?

Because Bender knows love.

And love doesn't share itself
with the world.

Love is suspicious, love is needy,

love is fearful, love is greedy.

My friends, there is no great love
without great jealousy.

I love you, meatbags.

Twenty-four...
I'm gonna get twenty-four...

I'm gonna get
twenty-fourth century on his ass