01x08 - Doompa-Dee Doo

[bunniefuu]

She won an Oscar. She
built a wellness empire,

and her next move is to create a candle

- that smells like her...
- Her front bottom.

I don't know why, I just
had to smell it for myself.

This is underwhelming. I
thought it would be bigger.

I mean, even for someone like me

who likes that area more than others,

I mean, I don't want my
whole house to smell like it.

- Yeah.
- So many variables.

A woman's pH, her diet,

whether she's gone
on a long walk or not,

you know, whether she's just a woman

- who produces more of that...
- All righty, let's light it up.

I got places to be.

♪

[ALL SNIFFING]

I'm getting essence of rosewater and...

lavender.

This is what I imagine like a
cartoon hoo-ha to smell like.

I don't smell anything.

Oh, okay, something's coming.

It's like a...

- Oh! Oh, God, it just hits you!
- Oh, my gosh!

My eyes are burning a little bit.

- That candle ran a marathon.
- Oh.

Yeah, well, stars, they're just like us.

Mm, smells good in here.

Smells like my grandma Betty's house.

♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪

Have fun.

Oh.

I thought I heard tires
screeching to a stop.

Always a pleasure to
see you, Mrs. Lakier.

- Okay, I hope the kids are better actors than you are.
- They're not.

I need two tickets to
the Willy Wonka show,

unless it's sold out.

- Is it sold out?
- Never for you.

Two tickets will be $ .

$ ? Luke's an Oompa Loompa.

He has one line... "dippity-da."

It's "dippity-doo."

Oh, my God, doesn't matter.

Actually, it's a very famous line...

Oh, wow.

It's like the evidence locker

at a police station in there.

Okay, Higgins.

Here's that.

Ooh, a loosie.

Huh, oblong yellow.

I'm gonna have to Google that.

- The tickets.
- Ah.

Is this gonna be good?

Not a chance.

Okay, great.

[SIGHS] Hey, guys.

What are you drinking?

Explain yourself, and
also give me a sip.

♪

Okay, my blood is easily % chemicals,

and that's too much for me.

It's a mocha-lotta-latte.

It's basically frozen diabetes.

Something I would never drink before.

But I gave her a book
about how saying yes

can enhance your life
and make you happier.

I basically said no to new
experiences my whole life

because I was so busy being a doctor,

and now I'm gonna say
yes because, you know,

what else am I gonna do?

Okay, so this'll be
about a week of yeses

followed by two full years of hard nos.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

I'm sorry, not you.

- Don't be this person, Jodie.
- Huh, what person?

The person who likes someone

and then makes their entire
life about that one person.

You're supposed to go through
this phase in high school

because then you can get new
friends, but, I mean, we're it.

I mean, after us, it's what, like PTA

or, I don't know, AA.

Or AAA.

I'm not making Matt my whole world.

In fact, I'm starting a
new organizing business.

Been doing it for free
ever since I had kids, so...

- That's awesome, Jodie.
- This is great!

I've already started
transforming my home

with The Jodie Method.

- Still workshopping the name.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah. But do you guys want
to come over after here

and see my shelving vision?

Jodie, you know that
things in their proper place

give me severe anxiety.

And I assume that's a no
for you, Sarah, so... yes?

Is that why you gave me the yes book?

How long have you been planning this?

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Uh... Oh, God.

What? W... what happened?

What did he do? It's Luke's school.

MR. HIGGINS: Hi, Mrs. Lakier.

It's Mr. Higgins.

No emergencies. I just wa...

Uh, you know what, I'm
going through a tunnel,

so I'm pro... I'm... my... losin...

- Oh.
- [BEEP]

Oh, damn it.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

[GROANS]

Still in a... unnel.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just wanted to say that we really love

having you around the school more often,

and your love of your children,

it really shines through your scowl.

Tunnel.

I have a drug question.

Just out of the tunnel.

What's... What... How can I help you?

Well, you see, my pharmacy
ran out of my focus medication,

and I couldn't help
but notice this morning

that you had quite a
lot of pharmaceuticals,

and one of them appeared
to be focus-related.

Mm-hmm, methamphetamines.

- Go on.
- I'll cut to the chase.

You gots what I needs.

Well, [CHUCKLING] I mean, any...

anything to help the school,

and something finally in my skillset.

Look, I'm headed to work now,

so, I mean, where do you want to meet?

I could... I could swing by the school.

No, no, no, no, no, that
would be unprofessional.

Uh, how about your house?

Uh, here's the thing, I don't
want to be that kind of mom,

but, you know, I mean,
a drug deal at the house

is a little sketch.

It's not a drug deal.
I'm not paying you.

Oh, okay, perfect.

Perf it is.

And now the pièce de résistance.

Jodie, do I really have
to see the bathroom?

Are you kidding me?
This is my specialty.

Plus, Mackenzi Cox has already cornered

the garage, kitchen, and closet market.

Then why did I have to see the
garage, kitchen, and closet?

To build suspense.

Over the course of their lives,

women spend years and
days in the bathroom.

Men actually spend more days,

'cause, you know...

- Shaving.
- Yeah, that's it.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

School mom. Nightmare.

I was trying to create a home sanctuary.

I really think I nailed it.

Jodie, where did you
learn how to do all this?

Oh, it's intuitive. Plus YouTube.

In the basket over the bathtub,

- you'll find your towels...
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

... and over here, you'll
find your different soaps.

Go ahead, check 'em out.
Go look, look at 'em.

I'm looking.

Sarah, you have to say yes to self-care.

I mean, look at those soaps.

♪

_

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Feel the towels.

You know, normally, I
really wouldn't feel towels.

Okay. I'm gonna feel the towels.

♪

_

♪

_

[GASPS] Oh, God.

Jodie, are you on your phone?

♪

I'm texting Dan!

♪

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hey.

Sarah's in the bathroom
so I'm whispering,

but I messed up bad.

I messed up real bad!

Oh, my God, this is my
favorite kind of conversation.

Go.

I accidentally sent Dan an
R-rated text meant for Matt!

[LAUGHING] I am just getting
the best phone calls today.

Amy!

I need a lie, like right now!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Uh, you're with a bunch
of moms at the park.

One of them thought it would be
a good idea to text your husband.

You couldn't get your
phone back because, well,

I mean, the... the mother was
in a wheelchair and you felt bad.

- Why is she in a wheelchair?
- Because she broke her hip.

- How did she break her hip?
- She tripped on a toy, so she's gonna be

out of commission for
four to six more weeks.

Aww, poor thing.

Oh, wait. Wow, you're good.

It's all about the backstory.

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
- Wait.

[GASPS] Dan texted me!

A thumbs-up emoji?

I put myself out there sexually

and all he can muster is a
thumbs up emoji? He's such a jerk.

You got to be careful.
You are not good at this.

You're doing some major-league lying

with some little-league skills.

From now on, I'm gonna be...

- really careful.
- Great, I got to go

'cause I got to go do a...
I got to go do a drug deal.

Okay. What?

_

Matt.

[SIGHS]

Well, you have been a real trouper.

Let's go... What are you doing?

Hi. I figured I'd say yes to a bath.

Oh, you're still doing that!

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Mm.

♪

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Nice jumping that fence.

- All right, let's just get you...
- Whoa, Mrs. Lakier,

- it's not that kind of visit.
- All right,

I just need to make sure
you're not wearing a wire.

[SIGHS]

Oh, come on, let me have
a little fun with this.

- All right.
- Yeah, thank you.

All right, now we're good,
we're good, we're good.

Now...

Okay, let's see here.

Hmm.

Here we go, here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These should be good.

These'll definitely put
a little pep in your step.

Oh, great.

Now, a friend brought
these back from Cancun,

so you're gonna want to keep
some electrolytes on hand

and maybe a number for poison control.

Anything else?

Mm, no, that's it.

Now, since you just have
to get 'til Thursday,

I can give you fives,
or if you prefer, five s,

and you can just break the bars.

I'll take five s, and you know what,

just throw in a couple of fives, too,

'cause I have back-to-back
parent-teacher conferences

on Wednesday and those can be a lot.

Well, this counts as ours.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you for this.

I am gonna hit you back.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] Someday,
and that day may never come.

I may call upon you to do me a favor.

I think your "Godfather"
impersonation is slightly off.

Get out of here. Unbelievable.

You really suck the joy
out of being a drug lord.

Here's your tea!

I'm guessing that bath is
getting pretty cold by now.

No, no, it's perfect. I just filled it.

Well, maybe you can drink your tea

while you get dressed to leave.

Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm catching up on a lifetime of baths.

I'm gonna stay put.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

_

[SQUEALS]

Aren't you getting
really pruny in there?

Oh, I don't get pruny.
Just lucky that way.

Well, I've got to go take Evan
his soccer stuff to school, so...

Okay.

Just, um, turn on some music
for me, like, something bathy.

Yeah.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh. Oh! [LAUGHS]

This is my jam.

Saying yes.

Saying yes to this.

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

Dude, this is so cool.

- Hey, guys.
- You look great.

Oh, wow, Luke,

are you officiating the
Cirque du Soleil later?

I got the lead part in the play.

[CHUCKLING] He's Wonka!

- What?! Wow!
- How about that? Yeah.

Congrats! This is major.

That's the problem!

I wanted to be in the
background with my friends.

Okay, oh, come on.

He has friends?

I mean, this is just
all good news today.

Well, he's upset 'cause he
already memorized "doompa-dee doo."

Maybe this is a little
out of his league.

I don't know, maybe the kid's
breaking out of his shell.

I don't think Mr. Higgins
would've given him Wonka

if he didn't think he could do it.

Well...

"Well," what?

I might've had something
to do with that.

Oh, boy.

I, um... I gave Mr. Higgins, uh...

... two free tickets to my cooking show,

so he's probably just repaying
us by giving Luke the lead.

Don't they give those
away at the gas station?

Okay, only when we
can't fill the audience

with people from the halfway house.

Not big clappers.

Well, either way,

it's commendable that
you'd do that for your son.

And I'm not gonna lie,

that makes more sense than
Luke getting Mr. W on his own.

All right, I'll call Higgins
and get him his old part back.

No, don't you even think about that.

I've got my phone, and
I got him into this,

and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get him
right out of this, so...

MR. HIGGINS: Hi, Mrs. Lakier.

Oh, hey, Mr. Higgins. Didn't
even... Didn't even ring.

Um, look, here... here's the thing.

We are... We're so...

I mean, so nice of you to
give Luke the lead in the play,

but as it turns out, he doesn't want it,

so if we could just get
the "doompa-dee doo" back,

- that'd be great.
- No can doompa-dee doo.

If I keep jerking these kids around,

it'll send a red flag to the parents.

What's he saying?

Okay, can I just get a little privacy?

- Why would you need privacy right now?
- Ugh!

Okay, why don't I give you
another little care package?

Some, uh...

... focus medicine, if you will?

Oh, I'm in a... unnel.

I can't...

[GROANS]

Well, it's... it's too late.

Playbills, they're printed,

so, you know, I think
this is for the best.

'Cause do we want to send
the message to our kids

that any time they don't
want to rise to the occasion,

we're just gonna bail them out?

- He's .
- Exactly.

It is time for him to
learn those hard truths.

All right, well, you better
go start rehearsing with him,

'cause the kid stinks.

Mm-hmm, okay.

All right, Luke, let's
put this top hat back on.

It's gonna be a long night, buddy.

Wait, why did you put this
back on? You're slowing me down.

Oh, I took that picture yesterday.

- My muscles were poppin'.
- Okay, well, take it back off.

Wow, really energetic today.

Is this that new pea powder
protein shake I recommended?

Say that three times fast.

Pea powder protein, pea powder
protein, pea powder protein.

- Shh!
- [DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, no.

My mom's home early.

[FOOTSTEPS] Oh.

Okay, she probably
just forgot her sudoku.

You know, I mean, she does them
when they're slow at the office.

Okay, but she won't
come down here, right?

- Like, she respects your privacy?
- Totally.

Um, well, unless she's got to

- get something out of the dryer.
- WOMAN: Matt?

That's your mom?

- She sounds so young.
- How old is she?

She's mom age. . And a half.

But don't call her ,
'cause she'll get really mad.

Okay, I'm just gonna go say hi

and I'm gonna get her
right out the door, okay?

Yeah, don't forget about me.

Hey.

I could never forget about you.

Aww.

- Go!
- Right.

[FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

"Mom age"?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

_

[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

[GASPS]

Oh, come on, little
blue line, you can do it.

You can do it, you can
do it, you can do it.

♪

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Damn.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

Best soak ever.

AMY: Don't scratch your butt like that.

LUKE: It's what I do when I'm nervous.

Okay, well, don't do that onstage.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Hey, Mr. Higgins.

- MR. HIGGINS: Hi.
- Thanks for calling me back.

Look, I wanted to talk to
you about this Wonka deal.

I, uh... I know you told
Amy that it's too late,

but is there anything at all we can do

to get Luke back in
this Oompa Loompa role?

You know, at drop-off, I
couldn't help but notice

that your hair looks naturally thick.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I guess it is pretty thick.

Do you know anything about hair pills?

Um... wait, why?

♪

Just take one a day,

and then the hair
will start growing back

in like three weeks.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll downgrade him to Oompa Loompa?

Done.

♪

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

[GASPS]

How long have I been asleep?

Jodie?

♪

Honey, I'm home.

♪

♪

[GROANS]

There's a flaw in The Jodie Method.

♪

Where are you?

Skipped the meeting.

Came home early for sex stuff.

Might only have time for me.

♪

Mm...

Okay, uh...

♪

Oh, no!

♪

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Oh, no, no, no.

[SIGHS]

I mean, zero charisma.

I mean, I'm talking Johnny
Depp-level Wonka there.

Well, you don't have to worry about it.

I got him his Oompa Loompa back.

You talked to Higgins? What did he say?

Did he... Did he mention me?

I did a terrible thing.

Huh, but did he mention me?

I feel so dirty.

You feel dirty?

Hmm.

Yeah.

You know how he thought your
cooking-show tickets were a bribe?

Mm-hmm, mm. My... yeah,
my cooking-show tickets.

Well, I did way worse.

He asked me why my hair is so thick,

and the next thing I
knew, I was slipping him

the last of my hair pills
through the back door.

Apparently, his insurance company

stopped covering the good stuff.

What?! The last of it?

You have got to get
that refilled, Henry.

I told you, you do not have
the face for a bald man.

That's your takeaway?

I'm a scalp stimulants trafficker.

Well, yeah. I mean, I'm
not happy about that.

It's extremely poor
judgment and it's hideous,

and I did think that you
were above all of that,

and we can never tell our son

because he'll lose all respect for you,

but you know what?

Do not b*at yourself up about it.

Okay, I'll try. I don't know that I can.

I know.

Look, I know it's sixes,

but would it help you
to know that I, um...

I didn't give him tickets
to the cooking show?

I gave him, uh, prescription dr*gs.

You gave a teacher dr*gs?

For our son, remember?

Look, I finally found a way
to contribute to Luke's school

instead of standing at
some, I don't know, car wash.

I'm helping the teachers
of America, okay?

I'm a good mother.

You're a drug lord.

Luke could get kicked out of school.

You'd have to home school him.

You could get arrested.

Home school? In this house?

I don't know how you live with you.

I-I feel like scum.

Well, the pills help, but,
I mean, I'd offer you one.

But as you know, I'm running low now.

I think the real... the real thing here

is that we are good parents

who want the worst for our son.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, you make a good point.

You want to go upstairs and tell him?

No, there's no way I'm
going back up there.

I'm definitely not going.

There's not enough of this in the world.

WOMAN: Did you eat the turkey I left?

Why do you look so flushed?

Gonna have to switch providers.

♪

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪

I don't know where Jodie is,

but she was supposed to be my ride home.

♪

Oh, come on, core strength.

[SIGHS]

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

[SIGHS] Okay.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- MATT: Hey, babe.

- Oh!
- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Um, is your mom leaving?

Oh, no, she whipped out the sweatpants.

She's not going anywhere for a while.

Okay, I have to go. This
is the only way out, so...

Man, I really want to
feel bad about this,

but look at you.

I'm so glad we blasted
your glutes the other day.

Your butt looks amazing.

Really?! Really?

- Yes.
- Okay, do you mind giving me a hand?

All right, fine, but only
because I want to touch you.

Whoa! Go, go, go!

Clench the buttocks!

[THUD]

- Hey, you did it.
- I did it!

- I have a confession.
- Yeah.

- I didn't do anything.
- What?

Yeah, I knew you could do it.

- Oh, okay. I got to go.
- All right.

- Bye.
- All right.

Wait, tell me about my butt again.

Oh, my God, it looks amazing.

Bye.

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

Ugh.

Saw his peanuts? [GASPS]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Make a left here.

Mm.

♪

AMY: I just never got sudoku.

Amy, it was terrifying.

I could've been caught by his mother.

Can you imagine?

Oh, I've been caught by a
lot of moms back in the day.

And some girlfriends, too.

That... that was actually kind of fun.

You must've been freaking out, though.

I mean, what would you have
done if she had come down?

I don't know.

I've become reckless.

I'm unhinged.

I tossed everything just to see him.

Like, it didn't even occur to me

that I could blow up my
entire life if I got caught.

It was the most exhilarating
moment of my life.

It was so exciting, and I could tell you

I'm going to stop, and
I should, but I'm not.

Of course not.

♪

You can have your yes book back.

How was I supposed to know

you were going to take
the world's longest bath?

I was taking an interest in
your work. Where were you?

I was at Evan's soccer
game, and I felt bad

and had to help a woman in a wheelchair.

Mm-hmm.

Dan and I, we smushed parts.

Oh, I know.

He's not nearly as upset
about it as you are.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, okay, well, I have got to go

get Luke kicked out of band.

I'll tell you what,

dr*gs really do solve everything.

Do you have anything in there

that can help me forget
about Dan's parts?

No.

May... no.

♪

This helps me forget about Dan's parts.

♪

It makes everything better.

♪ Yeah ♪