01x14 - Ghostwriter

[bunniefuu]

JAY: Okay, how's this for a slogan?

"Woodstone Mansion: your one-stop shop

for events and sleeping over,

followed by breakfast the next morning"?

That's not a slogan, that is
a description of a B and B.

- What do you think?
- Maybe...

She does not like that.

What do you mean? She said "maybe."

You poor, simple brute.

"Maybe" means she hates it and
she's letting him down easy.

Mm, I've been using that for years.

Told Al Capone that
every time he invited me

to the Hotsy Totsy Club.

Well, what do we have here?

Oh, we're just working on the website

for the bed-and-breakfast.

Still? Good God, it's
not the Magna Carta, Sam.

- Chop, chop.
- The ghosts are in here.

Oh, I assume they're everywhere.

That's why I shower with a bathing suit.

[LAUGHS] That's true. It's
got little duckies on it.

Okay, all right, I-I think
we're just overthinking this.

It doesn't need to be groundbreaking.

Some pics, some directions,

- a way for people to pay us money.
- No, no, Jay,

this website is our first
impression to the world.

Okay, fine. I'll just let you handle it,

but please get it done

'cause we need this place to open soon,

- so we can earn a living.
- I know.

Or we need to find another
valuable ghost watch,

but you are taking it
off the next corpse.

[LAUGHS] Oh... What is my life even?

You know,

I can actually recite

a great deal of the Magna Carta

if anybody's interested.

It might be a fun way to pass the time.

Maybe...

[CHUCKLES]

That means no.

[ALBERTA LAUGHS]

♪

JAY: Come on, that's not a foul.

No way. That's just good defending.

Pete agrees and says it
was just good defending.

You see? Pete gets it.

Literally the perfect guy to watch

a game with, aside from the fact

that I can't see him or hear him.

But we don't let that stop us.

Pete says you don't let that stop you.

So, since you're here,

I'm assuming you finished
the copy for our website.

Pete says, "Good hustle
on the backboards,"

and he wants to talk about that.

Good hustle on the backboards?

What does that even mean?

Sam, Pete would never say
that nonsense. You're stalling,

and you need to get that
cute little gummy bear butt

back in the office
and finish our website.

Is it gummy bears or
butts you have a thing for?

I don't have to choose.

Seriously, Pete and I
will be fine without you.

You sure? Pete?

Yeah, we'll be fine. I think.

Pete and I can sit here
in comfortable silence.

[SIGHS] Okay, well, I guess
I will leave you to it.

Okay. Love you.

Love you.

Oh! Damn! Pete, did you see that?

Let's do the thing.

Ooh! Ooh! Here we go.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH IMITATE r*fle RACKING]

[BOTH KISS]

[LAUGHS]

Did we nail it? 'Cause
I feel like we nailed it.

Oh, we nailed it. I think, deep
down, you know we nailed it.

[SIGHS] Yup, no idea.

[EXHALES]

[DOG BARKING]

- How's it coming?
- Uh...

Uh, working.

Working or watching
YouTube videos of dogs

being reunited with their owners?

[SIGHS] He was stationed
in Guam for three years,

but Argus still
recognized him right away.

- Hmm.
- Okay, okay.

Fine. I'm totally stuck.

Well, look, I get it.
Storyteller back in my day.

[CHUCKLES] It was an oral tradition,

but I liked to put
my own spin on things,

and sometimes the inspiration
wasn't coming so fast.

You do get it. [CHUCKLES]
Writing's the worst.

I should've listened to my
mom and done something safer,

like go to law school.

My dad was the same way.

When I told him I wanted
to be a storyteller,

he didn't think it was a good idea.

♪

What if you don't have the gift?

I always wanted to be a storyteller,

but I didn't have the gift.

I don't want you to go
through that disappointment.

Yeah, I want to try. I
think I have it in me.

Maybe try something safer,

like hunter or warrior?

Yeah. Great.

Across cultures and centuries,
parents still find a way

to put their own crap on us, huh?

Sam, how dare you disrespect
my father like that?

I was kidding. Man, you're
fun to mess with. [LAUGHS]

Hey, maybe I'm overstepping,

but I literally have
nothing to do, ever, so...

do you want some help?

Seriously? [CHUCKLES]
That would be amazing.

- Thank you, Sass.
- All right.

Well, let's get started, then.

Great. Yeah.

Right after we watch
this elderly lady's corgi

welcome her back from
six weeks in the ICU.

Aw, look at the stubby little legs.

Oh, my God, pass the ball!

Who does he think he is,
p*stol Pete Maravich? [CHUCKLES]

I assume you saw that, Pete.

If you're even still here.

Of course I saw it, and I
made a very pithy comment.

Ugh, this is frustrating.

I can talk basketball with you, Pete.

Oh, that's very sweet, Flower,
but you don't need to do that.

No, seriously. I grew up playing.

I had three older brothers.

Oh, that sounds nice, but Jay and I

have a whole shorthand, you know.

It's kind of our thing.

We don't just talk
basketball with anyone.

All right, I'll be back
tomorrow with those baseboards.

Oh, Syracuse, nice. They're
looking good this year.

- You're a fan?
- Love college ball.

What is happening?

Aw, they're connecting.

You want to hang out and watch the game?

I'm supposed to help my wife
with TurboTax today, so...

hell yeah, let's do this.

Okay, well, there's not really
room on the couch. [GROANS]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Sam! Sam!
- Oh, it hurts so much!

SASAPPIS: Okay, so, from these
other hotel websitesyou've shown me,

it seems like these things are
generally pretty dry and boring.

Exactly, and I really
want us to stand out.

Ooh, ooh! I have an
idea. What, what, what?

What if the website is written

from the perspective of a tree?

- A tree?
- Yeah.

Who's been on the property
for hundreds of years.

It's sort of like how us ghosts
have been here for a long time

and seen all kinds of change.

Oh, he's like the narrator.

It's very clever. [GASPS] Ooh, ooh, ooh,

and we'll call him... wait for it...

Woody 'cause he's a tree.

What do you think? Do you like it?

Maybe... [CHUCKLES]

- Did you just "maybe" me?
- Maybe.

Ah... and one! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

[MOCKING]: That's what
I'm talking about. [SCOFFS]

Pete, why did you bring us in here?

Because Jay brought a friend

into what used to be
our special thing and...

Guess what, Jay. I got friends, too.

You know he can't even hear us.

Is the plan to make him jealous?

No, no. The plan is to
have fun with my ghost bros.

Right? Ah! Okay.

Uh, hey, Thor, you like hoops, right?

What is hoops?

Seriously? It... Basketball?

The hoop is the basket the ball goes in.

Thor like putting
head of Dane in basket.

Give basket to Dane's
mother. [LAUGHS]: Surprise!

Very funny.

I love hoops. I dated a
Knicks City Dancer once.

Okay, this is not the kind of
sports talk that Jay and I do.

We talk strategy and basketball history.

I don't remember this
game. When was it invented?

in Springfield, Massachusetts.

Another beer? Come on.

Massachusetts? Well, it must
be a game for simpletons.

[LAUGHS]

No, there... there were
some nice people there,

but certainly a lesser colony.

Okay, this isn't working.
I... I tried, but you guys

just aren't Jay when it comes
to classic basketball hangs.

- You can leave.
- Oh, thank God.

[THORFINN GRUNTS]

Well, hey, I can stay
and watch with you, Pete.

What's the point? This is a bust.

SAMANTHA: We literally
can't open the hotel

until this website is up and running,

so we better figure something out.

A lot of people would argue

that we did figure
this out two hours ago.

Oh, my God, are you trying to
bring up the tree thing again?

It's hilarious.

Yeah, it just, it
seemed sort of familiar.

Oh, and "Make our home your
home" is truly groundbreaking.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, you two, uh,
would you come in here a second?

You know what? Yes, please,
bring them into this.

Oh, happy to help.

Well, we are just, uh, running into

some slight creative disagreements.

SASAPPIS: Because the only one of
us with the physical ability to type

refuses to recognize a genius
idea when she hears one.

I think it's clear what
the problem is here.

You are both creative talents,

and you each think you're always right.

ALBERTA: Yeah, you two
working together is like

Fats McGinty and Slow Eyes Billy Walker

- working together.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

They were two people who
always thought they were right,

but in the end it all worked out.

How?

Fats had Billy thrown
into a vat of acid.

But after that, he didn't
have to worry about him at all.

[LAUGHS]

You know what? [CHUCKLES]

Maybe we just shouldn't work together.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe...

- ALBERTA AND HETTY: Ooh...
- [SCOFFS]

Flower, I'm sure I'll regret this,

but are you all right?

[SIGHS] Well,

I wanted to watch the
basketball game with Pete,

but he only wants to
watch with stupid boys.

I love basketball.

Is that surprising?

Um, a little,

but-but I do know how much
you enjoy being disheveled

and sweaty, so that's not a far cry.

I played in high school.

One game, I had
points in the first half,

but then I didn't score any after that

'cause I got super high at
halftime with our point guard.

I mean, we got some
really good stuff, man.

[LAUGHS] Wait, what
were we talking about?

- Basketball, but then it veered wildly off course.
- Right.

Yeah, I...

I thought that after
the sexual revolution...

- Mm-hmm. Here we go...
- That this stuff would get better.

That women would really be equal,

but now it's years later,

and Pete isn't treating
me like an equal at all.

Flower,

I spent far too long

forgiving the sins
of men in my lifetime.

I see no reason why we need to
put up with it in the afterlife.

Do not just sit there and take
being disrespected by a man.

Do something about it.

Talk to Peter.

Damn, Hetty, are...

are you a feminist now?

Well, as long as it doesn't
mean supporting women

handling money or riding bicycles, then,

yeah, I think I am a feminist.

[CHUCKLES]

THORFINN: So... you
going to type something?

It seem you just sitting
there for long time.

I'm thinking, Thor.

Thinking is a very
important part of writing.

When you pillaged a
village, did you just run in?

No, you planned it out first.

[LAUGHS]: Never think.
Because once start thinking,

then feel very bad
for murdering everyone.

Okay, maybe that
wasn't the best example.

- I'm gonna get a snack.
- Yes!

I will come smell your snack.

Great.

Trevor, let's go.

She left the laptop unattended.

I really don't feel good about
this. Why are we doing this?

Because Sam has no artistic vision.

Okay, all she needs is to see
my ideas actually typed out,

and then she'll get it.

Damn it, she closed the file.

No problemo, T-Money is
on it. Which one is it?

- Uh... That one right there.
- Okay.

[STRAINING]

Oh. Oh.

What was that?

I think I put it in the trash.

- What? What is the trash?
- [SHUSHES]

[DEEP BREATH]

[STRAINING]

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"? Why "uh-oh"?

Maybe that was a good
"whoosh." Maybe it flew back.

- I think I just deleted the B and B website.
- What?

- Oh, yeah, it's gone.
- No, no.

She's been working on that for weeks.

It's the final piece standing
between them opening the B and B

and financial ruin. It's...

I told you it's really
an imperfect gift.

[STAMMERS] Get it back.

I don't know how.

Oh, we are in so much trouble.

- Run?
- Run.

PETE: Thank God, I thought
Mark would never leave.

Watching basketball
with Mark was so fun.

You guys really hit it off, huh?

You forget what it's like
to hang out with somebody

who you can talk to and see.

Why don't you take the
arrow out of my neck

and plunge it into my back?

JAY: I hate to ask,

but how's the copy
for the website coming?

Well, you know, I have
made some progress,

but there's still a ways to go.

- Great. Let me see.
- SAMANTHA: Okay.

[CHUCKLES] That's weird.

- What?
- The file's gone.

Ugh, man. These two might want
to rethink taking on a business.

What do you mean, gone?

I mean, it's not there, Jay.

Well, it's in the cloud.

Sam, you back up to the cloud, right?

I was trying to save
money, so I declined

the two-dollar-a-month
cloud storage thing.

That's where we cut back?

What's the cloud?

Cloud is in sky. Today look like dragon.

Uh, we can explain.

- Trevor deleted the website.
- What the... ?

- What?
- What happened?

Sass wanted me to type in his
stupid tree stuff into the file,

and that is the only reason
I was even messing with it.

Trevor and Sass accidentally
deleted the entire website.

What? We've been working
on that for weeks.

I'm so sorry, Sam. I just
wanted to get something down,

and now I've ruined everything.

Well, you know, these things happen.

Ghosts deleting the website

that we need to start
our business? [LAUGHS]

That happens?

Sorry, I'm gonna have to
push back on that, Sam.

I mean, they seemed really sorry.

I-I guess we just delay

the opening until we have
time to redo the website.

Anyways, thanks for telling me.

"Thanks for telling me"?

What are you doing?

Yell at them. Yell at the ghosts.

- It was an accident, Jay.
- Okay,

w-we don't need this to delay us.

We'll just slap something together

and get it up and running,

so we can start taking reservations.

No, it needs to be right.
I-it needs to be perfect.

Once this website goes live,

that's it, we are open.
There's no turning back.

But isn't that what we wanted?

That's why we quit our
jobs and moved up here.

Exactly, and if this B
and B isn't a success,

then I dragged us all the way here

and I made us turn our lives

upside down for nothing.
Don't you get that?

- There she goes.
- Ugh.

Classic Sam storm-off.

- Hey, Pete, got a sec?
- I kind of just want

to be alone right now if that's okay.

Yeah, well, it's not.

What?

You really bummed me out today, man.

You're all like,

"Jay won't talk to me, wah, wah, wah!"

And the whole time, I'm sitting there

waiting to be the Bob
Cousy to your Bill Russell.

How do you know about them?

That's what I've been
trying to tell you, man.

I mean, yeah, I'm a girl and
I'm into other groovy stuff,

but I know basketball.

The pick and roll. The give and go.

This is not something I was aware of.

Because you judged a book by its cover.

I even played in high school,

and I fouled out of every game, Pete,

because I am very aggressive.

I mean, I'm all for world peace,

but if you reach, I will teach.

- I got sharp elbows, man.
- Wow.

I-I'm sorry, Flower. I guess I got

so caught up being frustrated
with Jay for ditching me

that I didn't realize
I was ditching you.

Apology accepted.

I'm so glad this whole
thing with Mark happened.

It really opened my eyes.

Me, too.

And, hey, every once in a while,

someone comes along
who changes the game.

I mean...

Mark's a regular George
Mikan, right? [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Who's that?

George Mikan? Premier
center of the ' s and ' s.

You seriously don't know him?

[STAMMERS]

They created the goaltending
rule 'cause of him.

I... I thought you said
you liked basketball.

No, I do. I love basketball.
I love, I love basketball.

[STAMMERS] Name someone else, please.

Okay. Maurice Stokes? Tom Gola?

Oh, my God, well, this is embarrassing.

Jack Twyman?

Okay, maybe one more.

Okay, I can see I have
a lot of work to do.

- Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.
- Mm-hmm.

- Let's go back to the beginning.
- Okay.

- Springfield, Mass, .
- Uh-huh.

Dr. James Naismith was
looking for a winter sport

for his YMCA students.

I see now what was
going on. You didn't want

to finish the website because
then the B and B is real.

It's just, right now there's hope,

but once we open, if it
doesn't work, then that's that.

Well, that's fear of failure,

and I get it because I
used to suffer from it, too.

Oh, come on, you're like the most
confident person I've ever met.

I am now. Remember how I
told you my dad was worried

about me becoming a storyteller?

You know, worried that
I would fail like he did?

Yeah, I remember. Well, the truth was,

he got in my head.

All his worry transferred onto me,
and when it was finally the week

of the fall harvest ceremony,

where I was supposed to tell
stories for the first time,

I got scared.

I don't want to go.

You're right. What if I'm not good?

There's something you need to know.

That was about me, not you.

I didn't have the gift,

but you do.

I know because I've
watched you your whole life.

I'm giving you this eagle feather.

It represents bravery and courage.

It'll give you the strength you need.

Thank you, Father.

And now I give it to you.

It's scary spreading your wings

to try something new,
but you can do this.

What was that?

Uh, it's a ghost feather,

so it kind of just zaps
right back into place,

but symbolically it's yours.

Thanks, Sass.

What happened when you
finally got to story-tell?

[SIGHS] Well, I... actually never did.

I d*ed before I-I got the chance to.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Ah, it's okay. It wasn't meant to be.

Well, did you ever tell
your stories to the ghosts?

No, they're all wrapped
up in their own stuff,

and the important thing is,

I've now passed this feather onto you,

symbolically, which
we've already established,

so go, make it work for you.

Thanks.

Hey, babe, um...

So, I just want you to know that,

- no matter what...
- Sasappis actually just helped me have

this whole emotional breakthrough,

so everything's fine now. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. Nice.

Well, just let the record
state that I was here for you.

- Thanks, babe.
- I had a whole speech planned.

- You're the best.
- Darn ghosts. Always stealing my thunder.

Babe, this is great, and I-I
love the part about the tree.

That's so smart.

Well, I had a little
help from my friend.

So, are we opening the
bed-and-breakfast officially?

Well, bring on the unwashed masses.

And congratulations, Samantha.

Okay.

I think it's time for
this puppy to go live.

Once we launch this, we'll
start getting reservations,

and real live people... no
offense to present company...

are gonna start coming here

in four short weeks. Are you ready?

No, but I guess you got to
sink or swim sometime, right?

Here we go.

- And we are... live.
- [CLICKS]

Ooh.

Do we have any reservations yet?

It's been four seconds, babe.

Right, right, yeah, so
not a total failure...

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- ... yet.

Ooh. Game's almost on.

Big East championship.

The Big East was a college
basketball conference, Pete.

- Yes, thank you, Flower.
- JAY: Huh.

It's not working. Hmm.

Something must be wrong with the TV.

But with the TV not working,

what will we do for entertainment?

Hmm, that is an excellent question.

Is anyone here a gifted storyteller?

Oh, come on, are you guys serious?

We don't want to pressure you,
but if you regale us with story,

it would bring us great honor.

You did this, didn't you?

Maybe...

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

- Yes! All right!
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Here we go.
- Stories!

I don't know why I'm nervous.
I mean, you all are idiots.

You got this. Just, uh,
imagine us all in our underwear.

- I wish I was wearing underwear.
- We all do, Trevor.

SASAPPIS: Okay.

Here we go.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[WHISPERS]: He's going for it.

This first one is a Lenape tale

about the turkey, the
turtle, and the wolf.

They say that there are three persons,

or human-like animals,

that started the Lenape...

♪ Don't be shy ♪

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by ♪

♪ Don't wear fear ♪

♪ Or nobody will know ♪

♪ You're there ♪

♪ Just lift your head... ♪

... a running start and flew.

Oh, the turkey's gonna fly.
This isn't gonna go well.

What happened to the turtle?

[HOWLS] Howling at his
friends on the other side.

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by ♪

♪ On by, on by ♪

♪ On by, on by, on by ♪

♪ On by, on by ♪

- [LAUGHTER]
- ♪ On by, on by... ♪

It goes to show that us
ghosts and the Livings

are more connected than we realize.

Yes!

- THORFINN: Yes!
- ALBERTA: Bravo!

- [ALL CHEERING]
- ♪ Love is where ♪

♪ All of us belong. ♪

THORFINN: Yes! Is favorite story
that does not involve k*lling Danes.