01x07 - Tunnel of Love

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hey.

Hi.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Housekeeping!

Hello? Housekeeping.

- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- No, no, nope.

No, no. Not today.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]

[GROANS]

[MID-TEMPO FUTURISTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- You still mad at me?
- Heh.

I could never stay mad at you.

How you doing?

Good. Busy.

Great. Hey, you free for lunch today?

No, sorry. Um...

I have to do press for the big show,

and then I'm throwing DJ
her th birthday party.

Ah.

So I guess dinner's out too, then?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Well, hey. Why don't you come?

I'm sure DJ would love to see you,

and you'd actually be helping me out.

I always have to pad these parties.

Turns out that being in
Narcotics Anonymous this long

has left her with friends that are...

all anonymous.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, okay.

I'll see you tonight, then.

Bye.

[CHUCKLES]

[MELLOW MUSIC]

Is this your makeup bag?

'Cause it's, like, mostly
half-smoked joints and used Q-tips.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay.

- No, I'm using mine.
- [LAUGHS]

Ugh, I'm so glad I got tonight off.

Plus, I really need a break from Luna.

She's just going through this,
like, really intense stage

where she absolutely hates me.

I mean, like, I know she's just a baby,

but, like, it still hurts.

Like, last night, she
said, "Luna no love Mama."

I'm like, "You've only
met, like, three people

in your whole life, and
you hate the best one?"

Ugh, I'm sorry, Kiki.

- That's really hard.
- Yeah.

Do you have, like, a Beautyblender?

Like, you know, like, an eggy sponge?

Um...

- Why'd I even ask?
- No, I...

I usually just use my fingers,

'cause makeup doesn't really have rules.

Mm-mm. Makeup absolutely has rules.

Oh, no.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[MUFFLED UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Fire the hors d’œuvres.

Josefina told me to wait

until at least half the guests arrive.

Josefina!

Josefina?

Hi, um, I think that there's been

a little bit of a misunderstanding.

People are under the false impression

that you're running this party.

Damien, I am the House Manager.

So, first, do not yell my name.

And second, this party
is under my jurisdiction,

and what I say goes.

Well, I'm Deborah's personal assistant,

and I'm in charge of
all of her events, so...

Again, I'm the House Manager,

and this event is in the house, so...

Fire the hors d'œuvres.

Yeah. Fire the hors d'œuvres.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ ♪

Deborah, you know Wilson.

[CHUCKLES]

- Ah, so you're the mystery date.
- Mm-hmm.

You look so different without
your fluorescent vest on.

Not better. Just different.

Well, thank you for having me.

Yes, well, please help
yourself to some champagne.

Are you still angry at
me about the shapewear?

Is that what this is all about?

It's not about you, Deborah.

I like him.

Mm-hmm.

Deborah!

My God, I'm so happy to be here!

I had to get out of the
freaking house so bad.

Ava, you look pretty.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Really?

Thanks.

- You look...
- You!

No, no, no. Are those Bellinis?

No, no, no, those are not to be served

until the puff pastry comes out.

Am I blushing?

No clue.

I use high-coverage foundation.

It's basically paint.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- ALL: Ooh!
- Oh, my God.

Does that look familiar?
Sir, was this yours?

But a creative way, but still...

Ladies.

[CHUCKLES] Deborah.

- Marty.
- Madame Mayor.

Oh, Marty! Oh, so good to see you again.

Now, where's your lovely
little girlfriend this evening?

No, she's not coming.

[CHUCKLES] Jeez.

Well, she's nuts, huh?

If I were her, I wouldn't
let you out of my sight.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Well, we actually broke up.

Ah.

Good to know.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay! The birthday girl has arrived!

Happy birthday, dear.

Hi.

Hi. You look cute.

Thank you!

Well, you must be Aidan.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

- DJ sent me clips of all your fights. I'm starstruck.
- Thank you, ma'am.

Excuse me, Ms. Vance,
do you have a second

Oh, hope you didn't give
him the shiner, sweetie.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh, Ava! Ava, come here.

Come meet my man.

Ava, this is the love of my life.

Aidan, this is my girlfriend, Ava.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure.
- Oh, wow.

- Firm grip.
- Oh, yeah.

His body's his career.

He's the current Tuff-N-Uff
MMA welterweight champ.

Ooh, feel his muscle!

Babe, don't flex.

Just grab on.

- [CHUCKLES] Wow.
- Right?

- Crazy, yeah.
- Right?

Okay, babe, now flex.

- You want me to...
- Get back in there.

Just, I...

He's flexed now.

[GASPS] Okay.

- Yep.
- Double puka shells?

You look so cute.

That was actually the first time

I went on tour with Deborah.

Was that before or after

her joke about crackheads?

Uh, well, I believe she
changed it to opioids, so...

Oh, okay. Instead of being

about Black people,
it's about poor people.

- [SCOFFS]
- I mean, it just must, like,

suck to work for a white lady
for years, or whatever.

[GROANS]

Sadly, Cosby wasn't hiring.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.

How did you start working for her?

Well, she was my favorite
comedian growing up,

which should've been my
first clue that I was gay.

That, and the double puka shells.

- Correct.
- [LAUGHS]

And when I was ,

I drove my mom's
Cimarron for three hours

to see Deborah's show in
D.C., and she was incredible.

And I stayed after for
her to autograph this shirt

that I made with her face on the front,

and she got a kick out of it.

And then I told her she
needed to seriously reconsider

her idea of brand merchandising.

[CHUCKLES]

And she offered me a job on the spot.

I've been with her ever since.

That's cool.

I've been talking about myself too much.

Uh, what's your story? How
did you become a water cop?

Monster.com.

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

Uploaded my résumé and got the job.

And I get that hating me
is part of her development,

but it's also part of her development

to know that I have
more friends than her.

Isn't she three?

- Exactly.
- [LAUGHS]

Now, show me one. Where is he?

[LAUGHS]

You think she thinks he's funny?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I mean, she's laughing, so, yeah?

What's the deal with them?

Mm, I think they have some history.

There's, like, a vibe between them,

and, I don't know.

I ship it.

["JURASSIC PARK" THEME
PLAYING SOFTLY ON PIANO]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Is... is this...
- The "Jurassic Park" theme.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

She's pretty good.

Mm, grand on piano lessons.

This is all she learned to play.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Well, it's pretty timeless.

Plus, they just rebooted the franchise.

- What a boon.
- [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you! Thank you.

I wanted to take a moment

and share some very exciting
news with all of you,

my nearest and dearest.

Aidan and I are engaged!

[ALL SHOUTING]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!

I know, I know!

So it's not only my birthday party,

but it's also my engagement party.

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!

Congrats, honey.

Thanks, Mom.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Whoo-whoo.

Ah... ooh. [CHUCKLES]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

- Hey, excuse me, sir.
- Thank you.

- Well...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No more for him.

No, he likes to conserve.

Yoo-hoo! Marty.

How's your beef?

Hey.

How about after we get
done with our entrées,

why don't we all change seats?

Just kind of switch it up a little bit.

- How about that?
- No.

That's not how this is gonna work.

Did anybody else witness that?

Okay, I... I had, like, a...

I had a sex-ish dream
about Deborah this morning.

- Whoa.
- And it's obviously whatever,

because I've had sex dreams
about a lot of people,

but for some reason,
I'm just feeling, like,

really weird about this one.

Oh, babe, you probably
just had a sex dream

about Deborah because she's f*cking hot.

Yeah. She is, but...

I don't know, maybe this is about power?

Or because we had a really
intense bonding experience

- on that trip we went on.
- Mm-hmm.

But also, she's mean to me.

So, am I weirdly into that?

Ugh, psychologically, very bad sign.

This is exactly how women
end up dating men in tech.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Or is it just 'cause I
watched "Carol" last night?

Oh, you watched "Carol" last night?

Well, then it's definitely
just about "Carol," duh.

Oh, I'm sorry about you and Ivy.

Ah, it's okay. I couldn't trust her.

She let a woman roam through my house...

- Ah.
- Take pictures.

Oh, so it's my fault?

[CHUCKLES] No.

No.

She's just not the woman for me.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Hi.

I just wanted to thank
you all so much for coming,

and especially thank you
to my mom for hosting.

- Yep.
- And also,

I wanted to let you know that my jewelry

will be in three Trish's boutiques.

- Yes.
- Ah, that's right!

D'Jewelry is gonna be at Trish's!

- Is that good?
- It's major.

[APPLAUSE]

I am engaged to the love of my life,

and I have honestly never been happier.

So just thank you to
every single one of you

for making this night so special.

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

- Okay, Ava, your turn.
- Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, we're all doing speeches?

It's my birthday.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.

No problem.

Uh...

DJ...

Are you gonna sit while you do it?

- No.
- I figured you'd stand.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS] DJ...

you self-tumble your own rocks,

which, well, frankly, rocks. [LAUGHS]

Um...

You know, I've honestly
never met anyone like you.

And I think it's so brave
that you're not afraid

to march to the b*at of your own drum.

And...

I think it's really cool
that you found someone

who loves you for exactly who you are.

Which is a really great person.

ALL: Aww.

Happy birthday. To DJ.

Thank you.

DJ, for your birthday,

it is my great honor and privilege

as the mayor of Las Vegas

to present you with a key
to the city of Las Vegas.

[GUESTS OOHING]

- Oh, another one.
- Now, this key in particular

is one of my favorites,
and I've had to take...

I swear, she'll give the
key to the city to anyone.

[CHUCKLES]

She probably tips with it at Starbucks.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Was one of... one of...
a dear friend of mine

for a couple of weeks, and...

DJ says it's her th birthday,

so we're doing candles.

I threw her th before
you were even here.

- No one's gonna buy it.
- Yes, they will.

She looks incredible.

I'll go down to .

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

But now, what is the color story now?

- Gold and pink.
- Pink... I think just pink.

So, thank you for giving me an excuse

to live my own life.

Because, honestly,

it's nice to be with people
who actually wanna be around me

and not just suck on
my titties for milk,

and then turn on me, you know?

Hear, hear.

So, happy birthday, DJ,

and congrats on Trish's.

They have some really cute stuff there.

So nice. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Hear, hear. Cheers.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry, I'm...

not very good at this kind of thing.

And, uh,

especially nervous to do it

in front of a world-famous
comedian, so...

[GUESTS CHUCKLE]

I'll keep it brief. Um...

DJ, I love you. Happy birthday.

ALL: Aww.

Whoa. Very brief.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay. You're up, Mom.

Saved the best for last.

[EXHALES]

Happy birthday, DJ.
This is getting scary.

Pretty soon, you're gonna
be the same age as me.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, DJ, we haven't
always seen eye to eye,

and I know that you like to
say that actually my career

is my favorite child,
but that's not true.

I like you both the same.

[LAUGHTER]

I've been thinking a lot
about the past lately.

I had DJ very young, so as a child,

she always accompanied me on the road.

You know, always at my side.

And I know some people didn't think

that was a very good parenting choice,

raising a toddler in comedy clubs.

But for someone who lost
their parents very young...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I knew that I would've given anything

to spend more time with them.

So I thought it was best...

that you be with me.

For better or worse.

And for me, at least,

it was always better.

Um, but now you have Aidan by your side.

And if he loves you
half as much as I do,

then he's a keeper.

Plus, he's got a great left hook.

[LAUGHTER]

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Oh, and, as an engagement gift,

I'm paying my lawyer
to draw up your prenup.

[LAUGHTER]

So romantic. Thanks.

But we decided we're just gonna go ahead

and do the old-fashioned thing
and get married, no prenup.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, honey.

Leave the jokes to me.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not a joke. We're
not gonna get a prenup.

Oh, you are absolutely getting a prenup.

How about when you get married,

you can get yourself a prenup?

But we are not doing one.

This isn't up for discussion.

I'm doing what's best for you.

Okay, I am a grown -up,
and you can't make me.

I taught you better than this.

Don't be stupid.

Laurie says it is not stupid to
trust my feelings, and right now, I...

She's not even a psychologist.

She's a social worker!

And if she can't figure
out her adult acne,

she certainly can't
figure out your life.

I said don't Google
her! That's what I said!

You know, the sex tape,
and the Scientology stint,

I could handle, but this?

You know, you've
really outdone yourself.

You know what? This is so stupid.

It doesn't even matter.
It's not your money.

Oh, please. Your whole life is my money.

You know what?

You're just jealous because
someone actually loves me.

I give it two weeks. One, if he's smart.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

[ALL JOIN IN] ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, dear DJ ♪

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Who wants cake?

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ ♪

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hey, where are you?

- I'm home.
- Wait, what?

I... I thought you were in the bathroom.

I told them not to clear your dessert!

I know, I'm sorry.

That fight just made me realize

that I gotta make it work with Luna.

I'm actually in her
bed with her right now.

I forgive her. She forgives me.

It's all water under the bridge.

And I've been thinking.

You should really go
for it with Deborah.

Maybe it'll help you figure things out?

Uh, no, I'm not gonna go for it.

I'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.

Okay.

Bye, girl.

Okay, bye.

Ava?

Would you mind talking to DJ?

She's really upset.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, of course.

All right, she's upstairs.

- Okay.
- Hey, thank you.

Yeah.

sh*t's $ .

Okay.

God. She's such a bitch.

Did you hear her back there?

Who talks to their kid like that?

I totally understand.

But...

I think she's just
trying to protect you,

in her own f*cked up way.

Well, it doesn't feel like it!

To... yeah.

Maybe she's just, like, scared?

And she's...

just not wanting to see

anything taken away from you

the way it was taken away from her?

f*ck!

I just had this fantasy
that she'd just see

that things were going
well for me, you know?

And maybe be proud of me.

And things would...

I don't f*cking know,
be normal for once?

- I hear you.
- [EXHALES]

That's totally fair.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry
to dump all this on you.

I don't mean to.

I just feel like you get
it when it comes to her.

Yeah, I do.

Honestly, my closest relationship
right now is with your mom.

Right. [CHUCKLES]

I've never been this close to someone

I'm not hooking up with, which means...

[LAUGHS]

I just have a f*cked
up sense of intimacy.

It's not that I'm actually
attracted to your mom.

[EXHALES] Oh.

What?

That was nothing.

Um, DJ,

it's, like, the most
normal thing in the world

to want your mom to be
proud of you, you know?

And she can definitely get in your head.

But, um...

I... I don't know. Maybe...

stop waiting for her to be proud of you,

and start doing things

that make you feel proud of yourself.

Yeah. Yep, that actually makes sense.

Thank you.

- Can you drive us home?
- Of course.

Hey, how come you're
not wearing my earrings?

- Oh, I...
- It's fine.

- I have some extra in my bag.
- Great.

Hope you enjoyed the free show!

Happy birthday.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

I'm just driving them home.

Have fun.

[CHUCKLES]

Your car is ready at the
valet, Ms. Pezzimenti.

I'm not quite ready to go just yet.

Marty and I are in the middle

of a very stimulating conversation.

He's just in the little boys' room.

The party was : to : .

Those times are not real.

You understand that?

I'm just gonna wait here
until Marty gets back, though.

I don't want to be rude.

You have no power here.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ ♪

Jeez.

Okay.

Feel like I'm being
arrested or something.

♪ ♪

Okay, pull right up in here.

Wait. In here?

What... am I turning around in here?

Nope. We're here.

Oh, sh*t. No.

["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING]

No, no, no. Don't get married right now.

DJ, don't do this just
to piss off your mom.

I'm not. Ava, you were right.

I gotta start doing things for me.

And getting married right
now is what we wanna do.

No. I... I was thinking more
along the lines of, like,

taking a pottery class
or getting your GED.

My GED?

I went to Cornell.

Y... yeah.

And I... I know that,
which... which is why

you're smart enough to
know not to do this...

Hello.

Welcome to the Tunnel of Love.

Hi. Thank you.

Ah, the "MJ Package"?

No sh*t. Michael Jackson?

No, no. Michael Jordan.

Oh.

- No?
- No.

[CHUCKLES]

Last man standing?

Looks like it.

[CHUCKLES] That's good.

Good, I, um...

- I wanted to...
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh.

Thank you.

- I wanted to...
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Hello?

Hey.

Uh, so,

don't freak out, but
DJ... DJ's getting married.

Like... like, right now.

What? N... no, where are you?

We're at a drive-through chapel.

Look, I tried to stop
her, but she's doing it.

And I... I really think you'd regret it

if you weren't a part of
this, so just watch, okay?

Please?

Okay.

Okay.

Ow, these D'Jewels are f*cking heavy.

[CAR DOOR SENSOR BEEPING]

Okay.

We're gathered here this evening

to celebrate the true love between...

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

Sorry. My foot hit the gas.

Sorry. I'm turning it off.

Okay. Go ahead, go ahead.

We're gathered here
to celebrate your love.

You've chosen to recite your own vows?

Yeah.

Now would be the time.

DJ,

when you walked into my life,

I realized how much I'd been missing.

The only problem is, you
made me a worse fighter.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Before you, I didn't care

what happened to me in the cage.

But now,

I gotta be careful.

Because I can't risk anything

ruining the life

that we're gonna build together.

[CHUCKLES]

Aidan,

I know that I'm not always
the easiest person to love,

but you always see the best in me,

and you always make loving me

feel like the easiest
thing in the world.

Thank you for teaching
me how to love myself.

Aidan, do you take Deborah Junior

to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

[LAUGHS]

And Deborah Junior, do you take Aidan

to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do. [LAUGHS]

Well, I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

[SIGHS]

Leave it to her. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Congratulations.

[LAUGHS] God.

Not every day your
daughter gets married.

Hey, you know what this calls for?

[WHISPERING] Champagne.

[SNIFFS]

Be right back.

[EXHALES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Well, at least now I don't have to worry

about walking her down the aisle.

You know how I hate attention.

[LAUGHS]

[BONNIE RAIT'S "SINCE
I FELL FOR YOU" PLAYS]

Ah, now this is the
one I was waiting for.

Oh, I love this song.

♪ You'd better let love... ♪

May I ask the mother of
the bride for this dance?

Oh, my God. "Mother of the bride"?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [GIGGLES]

♪ I know it so ♪

♪ And yet I know ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ I can't get you out of my heart ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Made me leave my happy home ♪

Thanks for coming.

I was happy to be here.

♪ You took my love and now ♪

Me too.

♪ ♪

♪ Since I fell for you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Brings such
misery and pain ♪

♪ I guess I'll
never be the same ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Since I fell for you ♪

♪ Well it's too bad ♪

♪ And it's too sad ♪

♪ But I'm in love with you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You love me ♪

♪ Then you snub me ♪

♪ But what can I do ♪

♪ When I'm still in love with you? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I ♪