01x07 - Mrs. Diddles

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Somebody Somewhere". Aired: January 16, 2022 to present.
A comedy following Sam, a true Kansan who struggles to fit in; dealing with loss her singing is a saving grace and leads her on a journey to discover herself.
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01x07 - Mrs. Diddles

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

This will match my
beige couch perfectly.

Oh yeah, that's cute.

But, what if you don't
go so matchy-matchy?

You could keep one foot
in tradition with this one,

and then throw in a little
mid-century farmhouse fun

to spice things up?

I like that.

- I'll take both.
- Cute, right?

- I'll get this for you.

- CUSTOMER: Thank you!
- You just relax.

We also have these great soaps.

Not to brag, but I made 'em myself.

You're all set. Enjoy!

CUSTOMER: Thanks. Thank you so much!

Thanks for stopping in and, uh...

we hope all your moments are tender.

Thank you.

Let me know how those soaps work out!

- CUSTOMER: I will.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.

- Mid-century farmhouse fun?
- SAM: Yeah, you know,

I just tossed around a
couple of words I heard

on "Love It or List It"
last night, and it worked.

It sure did. It was a great sale.

- Kind of fun.

I gotta go pick up Shannon. Are
you okay to hold down the fort?

- Oh, I'm great.
- Wow. Thank you.

- Hey, Trish?
- Hm?

Are you okay? I mean...

Do you wanna talk at all or anything?

- I'm fine.
- SAM: Okay.





- FRED: Hello? Hello?

- Oh, hey, Fred!
- FRED: Oh, Sammy!

- How are you?
- Good. I was just hanging out with the bats.

- What's going on?
- I'm actually looking for your pops.

- Is he around?
- Yeah, he's not here.

He's, um, he's visiting my mom.

Oh, he filled me in.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, he did?

- Yeah.
- Really? Wow.

Well, you know, I'm in the club, too.

- Oh.
- I got these soil reports for him.

- Can you pass them along?
- Yeah.

- Yes, sure.
- Great.

Hey, um...

It's kind of wild, but, um...

I'm just sort of looking around
here... You know, my sis...

My sisters and I used to f*ck'
sing in here and shit and...

- Why are you all bashful? What are you trying to say?
- I... I... I was just thinking, like,

we could maybe try like a choir
practice here sometime or somethin'.

- In here?
- You know, the acoustics

are pretty f*cking good,
so, I don't know, why not?

- Acoustics? Well, let me, let me hear it then.


♪ Fred Rococo is here, hallelujah ♪

- ♪ Fred Rococo is here... ♪

Actually, I'm laughing,
but the acoustics are good.

(LAUGHING) Yeah! Well...

I don't know. I just...

I don't really know how
to bring it up with Joel

'cause he's going through so much and...

He really is sensitive.
He called me, like,

every minutes last
Sunday. I'm just like,

get off the g*dd*mn phone and
go back to church already, right?


- You know what we should do?
- What?

Let's have a poker party.

We invite everybody
over, we butter him up,

and then we pitch the
whole barn idea to him.

I mean, f*ck yeah. That
sounds like a great idea.

- Yeah? All right.
- Yeah.




- They give you a good lunch?
- MJ: Yeah.

- Yeah, oh yeah, very healthy.

- Oh, am I supposed to be somewhere?
- No, you're good.

Mr. Miller, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Sure thing.





♪ ♪



- JOEL: Wow.

- You're up early for you.
- Good morning! We have shit to do!

- What?
- Well, you get two choices.

We can either Zumba together,
or we could go to church!

- Zumba.
- f*ck. I didn't think you'd say that.

No, Joel. Here's what we're gonna do.

We are gonna find you a church.

We're gonna get you back
in the House of the Lord.

We're gonna get you all Jesus'd up, huh?

How's that sound?

- I'm good.
- SAM: Joel!

How long have we known each other, huh?

- What, two months?
- Twenty-nine years.

And I know you, and I know

that if there was something
very important to me

that I was pretending
not to miss, WWJD. Huh?

- What would Joel do?
- Oh.

He'd come over to my
house, he'd put me in a bra,

he'd walk me out the door,

get me back into life, wouldn't ya?

Okay, fine! Can I go change?

- Can I put on my own bra?
- We got five minutes! We're on a tight schedule!

Today is Jesus' day! Let's go!

Jesus' day is Christmas.

Just change your clothes, Joel!


- This isn't good.

Sam, we're supposed to be doing Zumba.

This is a sign from God.

Yeah, that, or it could be a sign

that I ignored my check engine
light for the last three months.

- Why would you do that?
- I'm a bad, bad girl.

- You're driving.

♪ ♪


- TRICIA: assh*le.

You f*ck!

Okay, I got my little notebook.

I'll write down all the pros and cons.

We can just pop in, and
if you're not feeling it,

we'll just check out the next one.

You wanna start over here?

- Or that one right there?

Oh, one right here.

JOEL: Mm-hmm.

Oh shit! And there's
another one over there!

Yeah. Let's do...

- Lutheran, Presbyterian, catch Methodist...
- I...

- swing around to Baptist,
- Okay, let's...

then we can go to the next block.

- Let's start and build one at a time.
- Okay.


- (QUIETLY): I bet they do the Bible really good in here.

- Why do you think that?
- I don't know. It's just, like, a vibe.

Like the bells and, like...

those ferns.

- I think those are palms.
- Oh.

And that guy holding a tiny poodle.

Oh my God, you've never
been to a church, have you?

Don't worry about it.


LECTOR: Today's reading
is from Psalm ,

- verses through .


I'm sorry, Tricia wants
to know what I'm doing.

(MUMBLED): No, no, no. Look, look, look.

... from afar, you search out my path

and my lying down and are
acquainted with my ways.

- Oh... my God.
- Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

- He's so... he's so hot.

Pro. That's a pro.

That's definitely a pro.

JOEL: Put him hard in the pro column.

Oh, I'm putting him hard in there.

LECTOR: If I ascend to
Heaven, you are there.

If I make my bed in
Sheol, you are there.

- Joel?
- If I take the wings of the morning and dwell

in the uttermost parts of the sea...

- What are we looking at?
- ... and your right hand shall hold me.

I don't know. Just trying to get a feel.

- SAM: Yeah.
- LECTOR: The darkness shall cover me

and the light about me be night.

- Me, too.
- LECTOR: Even the darkness is not dark to you.

T-Tricia, just...

just calm down and tell
me what you wanna do.

Okay, I... I don't really think
the smoker is the issue here.

(LAUGHS) I-I'll take care of it!

Oh my God. Tricia's
losing her f*cking mind.

- I mean, I can't blame her.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Sam!
- SAM: Oh shit. Don't go.

- JOEL: I'm gonna get the car.
- Don't go, don't go.

- Hey, Coop.
- Hey.

How you doing? Didn't see you in there.

Yeah, uh, I go to that church.
Just... getting my steps in.


f*ck, man, how you doing?

(SIGHS) Hanging in there.


So crazy. I...

Still can't believe that
about Rick and Charity, right?

- Oh shit.

I gotta go. Um, I'll see you... soon.

Hey, heart-breaker of a loss, Coach.

We'll get 'em next week.


Okay, so I'm sensing that
wasn't a love connection,

but that's okay. There's
another church back there

- that has an : service. We can try that out.
- No. No.

Actually, it was a great church.

You know, but I was sitting there,

and I wasn't really... feeling it.

I don't think the
problem was the church.

I think the problem was me.

I really appreciate what
you've been doing, but...

I don't know. I think maybe
I'm not a church person anymore.

Well, that's okay. I'm not either.

(LAUGHS) Not anymore.


- But are you okay?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- (FAKE SOB) Yes. I'm okay.

- I-I am.

Can you drive me to this f*ck' motel?

I gotta commit grand
larceny for my sister.


Hey. I'm here to take
your stupid f*ck' smoker.

- You need to take the smoker?
- Yep. Tricia wants it.

Are all the parts there?

She gave that to me for my birthday.

Well, not my problem, Rick.

- Look...

- I know I f*cked up.
- Oh yeah, you f*cked up all right.

- She won't take my calls.
- SAM: Again,

not my problem, Rick.

Yeah, all the pieces are there.
It's just the top and a bottom.

All right, well...

- I'm taking it.

You know, I've been wanting
to ask you something.

What were you doing at choir practice?

I didn't think you saw me.

Oh, I saw you. What the
f*ck were you doing there?

I was at the mall on a job one night,

and, uh, I-I just stumbled on it.

I watched a little from the door.

And-and I don't know.

I just... I liked it.


so, yeah, then I came back,

and I thought, okay,
all right, this time,

I'm going all the way in,

and that's w-when I saw you,

and that was weird.

So, I left.


Well, thanks for telling me.

You know, you say
something sweet like that,

and then I remember that you
stuck your dick in Charity,

and I'm f*ck' mad again. Idiot.








Holy smokes!

How did you get here?

I called Shannon and her and her
little boyfriend picked me up.

- They kick you out? What did you do?
- Ed...

If we had all the money in the
world, I'd have stayed there,

but we don't. So...

I asked the doc, he gave
me a list of meetings.

I can do it...

if you can help me.

- Give me the orders, chief.

♪ ♪




Hey, Sam. Is it raining out?

Um, no, and what the
f*ck are you doing here?

Oh, well, Coop found
out about the situation,

and now, Tricia has nothing

to probably illegally thr*at me with.

Well, how did he, uh, how'd he find out?

I guess people were talking at church.

That's weird. People
don't talk at church.


Hey, Tricia.

- Hey, girl.
- SAM: Um, she's not your girl. She's my sister.

And we would like you to leave.

- Right, Tricia? Yeah.
- TRICIA: Yeah.

Only a hooker like you
would put lavender soaps

by linen room sprays!
What's wrong with you?

- I moved it here. Stop it!
- No.

I moved it here, so
that people could gather.

CHARITY: Just because you moved it here,

- doesn't mean it's in the right place.
- Hey.

Hi. Hey, Charity, what
are you doing here?

Hey, Joel. Listen to me.

- We never sold any...
- Um,

- you left this in my car.
- Y... you didn't read it, did you?

- No.
- Okay, good, because it's my poop journal.

You think you're Pinterest
but you're really Hobby Lobby.

- Give me the f*cking table...
- Okay.

I think they're gonna k*ll each other,

and I think it's my fault because...

(MOUTHING): Coop didn't know.

- TRICIA: It looks like a resale shop...
- JOEL: Oh no...

- What do we do?
- I don't know what to do.

You're the people-person, why
don't you just hop in there

- and do something? Fix it.

Okay! Ladies, this is
a place of business.

So, let's calm down and go
to separate corners, huh?

Why don't... Charity,
you go to the day bed,

Tricia, you can go to
the baby foxes, okay?

- (QUIETLY): Good.
- (QUIETLY): I don't know what I'm doing.

SAM: You're doing great.


I'm going to do
something weird right now

and quote the Bible.

Uh, in Colossians, it says,

"Bear with one another
and forgive each other

if you have a grievance against someone.

Forgive the way the
Lord has forgiven you."

It's such a beautiful verse.

But, like...

da-fuh? (LAUGHS) Right?

I mean, some things can't be fixed.

Sorry, can I pay for this or...

- Uh, yeah, in one second.
- Sorry.

But if this is still your dream,

if you feel in your soul

that this is your calling...

then work it the f*ck out. M'kay?

- Now, somebody ring up this nice person.

- SAM: I'll take care of it.
- Thank you so much.

- SAM: Uh, cash or charge?
- CUSTOMER: Um, charge, please.


Okay, that was awesome.

I thought you were done with church?

I don't know. You find
God where you find God.

In this instance, it was right next to

those really cute sleep masks.

- Oh yeah, we just got those in.
- Hm, they're fun.

White wine, red wine!

- You know it. Oh, those are so pretty.

- They won.



- Downtown business of the year!


- Congratulations!
- CHARITY: Oh my God!

♪ ♪


- Wow, you're all dolled up.
- Yeah, well,

- it's a party, right?
- Yes, it is.

Um... Where is the party?

Down the hatch. Come on!

- Are... are you f*cking with me?
- No, I'm not.

♪ ♪


- Hey.
- (MOUTH FULL): Oh hey, Sam!

- TIFFANI: Welcome to the lair!
- Wow!

Crops Team National Champs.

- Okay.
- FRED: All right,

I don't know who indulges,

but I got Fredibles!

- Oh shit, we're getting high!
- FRED: Yes!

Now, this is batch . . I'm sober,

so I need a little help dialing
in the dosage, okay, kids?

. really spiraled me out.

- FRED: I dialed it back, you lightweight!
- It was rough.

SAM: Well, you are a man of science.

- What's the worst that could happen, right? f*ck yeah!


All right, what do you got? Come on.

Pocket jacks, baby.


SAM: f*ck.




Fold. (LAUGHS)

Uh, anybody else feeling it yet?



Oh no, we're losin' him!

- FRED: Mr. Chuckles.

- We're losin' him.


Put your dick away!

I already did. It's under the sink.


Joel, you f*ck! You
told me you didn't read that!

- I did! I did read it!
- Oh f*ck!

Sam wrote these songs, and
they're very funny songs!

- (LAUGHS) Let's hear it!
- Oh no! They're seriously so f*cking dumb.

They're from a million years ago.

All right, well, we'll be
the judge of that. Come on.

Guys, there's absolutely

no f*cking way (LAUGHS)...

♪ When I come home at
the end of the day ♪

♪ My fingers are down to the bone ♪

♪ My back is aching, don't
there be no mistaking ♪

♪ I'm gonna call my girl on the phone ♪

♪ Then I'll pour a glass of wine ♪

♪ I'm going to take my time,
I'll go get my shit relaxed ♪

♪ And when I say it's f*cking time ♪

♪ You gonna lick my Valentine
and don't forget the crack ♪

♪ Put your dick! Put your dick! ♪

- ♪ Put your dick away, oh! ♪

- Jesus!
- (ALL SINGING): ♪ Put your dick... ♪

♪ Put your dick ♪

♪ Put your dick away ♪


- I'm speechless.

It's just seriously so dumb!

- I'm sorry!
- Now sing "They Call Me Mrs. Diddles."

- Joel, stop!
- Now, that one I gotta hear.


- I think...

I think we should take a field trip.

- What do you think?
- JOEL: Oh my God,

are we gonna go visit Mrs. Diddles?


- Let's do it!
- Let's go. Come on, I'll drive.

Let's take the Growler.

This is what I'm gonna say to
Mrs. Diddles. (ROLLS TONGUE)

- FRED: Jesus!

JOEL: Don't you wanna go
to a football game in this?

SAM: I don't wanna
go to a football game.

- I wanna party in the f*cking Growler!

JOEL: It is awesome, girl.

Sharp turn, guys, sharp turn!

- Take it easy!

FRED: Okay, kids, let's have some fun.



Oh, this is scarier at
night than in the day.

SAM: It looks a little
scary, but it's good.

- FRED: How do you like my driving?

- SAM: Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

- JOEL: Oh yeah.
- Well...

This is it!

TIFFANI: Oh, hell yeah.
This is incredible.

- Yeah, the stage will go here.
- TIFFANI: Oh, bro,

we gotta do something
with this Tin Man thing.

I love this guy!

You put the band here, the bar.

What do you think?

I mean, I think this is awesome.

My sister and I spent a lot
of time in here doing shows.

I think she would really love this.

Well, you look good, the light's on you.

Can we hear one of those songs
about the ding-dongs or the diddles?

SAM: Well, I have something,
but it's not about dongs.

No, we wanna hear the juicy stuff.

You know, what sells!

- All right, I'm gonna try something and...

- I guess now's as good a time as any.

(SIGHS) I don't know why
I'm so f*ck' nervous.



Joel, this is for you.


But there's no dongs.

♪ How many times did I hear them say ♪

♪ She's out of reach, drifted away? ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

♪ Another night staring at the wall ♪

♪ And if I try, I know I'll fall ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

♪ All these hills closing in on me ♪

♪ There's nothing here I haven't seen ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

♪ Lift me to my feet again ♪

♪ I've lost touch, I
need a friend, mm... ♪


♪ You brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ You brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ My heart is beating through my chest ♪

♪ Why would anyone
come clean this mess? ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ The song in me fell out of you ♪

♪ I found it now because of you ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ You brought me home... ♪


♪ Yes, you brought me ♪

♪ Home... ♪

♪ And I am home ♪

♪ I am ♪

♪ Home ♪


That's it.

You f*ck.

- Well, now that you've bummed us all out,

can we get back to it?

- JOEL: No.

Let's just stay in the
moment for a little bit, Fred.

- Okay. Was that long enough of a moment?


- I'm driving.
- SAM: Oh God!

- Are you sure you have a legal license?

- TIFFANI: Let's f*ck' go!

- Hey! Oh shit!

FRED: Joel, do not spill on my bus!

- Where are you taking us?
- FRED: Oh, I'm not telling.

You're in for a big surprise, kids.

- Let's rage.
- ALL: Irma!

- Woo!



♪ Lovely girl, I wish that ♪

♪ I could make love to you ♪

♪ And you'd be mine, I'd
never wanna lose you... ♪


- (DUDE VOICE): Hey, brah!
- Hey, brah.


- Brah!
- Brah...

Hey, Joel, what's that
thing somebody said

about putting away childish things?

Childish things?

That's from the Bible, bitch.


I love your childish things.

♪ My sentiments... ♪

I do, too. (LAUGHS)

I can't believe I'm getting
lit with Irma. What the f*ck?


She's funner than you think!



Um... Are you alone?


- JOEL: I'm never gonna hear "Mrs. Diddles,"

and it's gonna k*ll me!

Wait, I have one other thing!
One other thing I wanna say.

- Hold this. Hold it! No, hold it! Hold it! Hold it,
- Say it! Say it! Say it!

I know... that you know me...

- from everywhere.
- Oh ho!

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- No, you cannot say that anymore!

- Okay, people of the world!
- Play the hits!

- Welcome to Sam Miller After Dark!

If you are lost, if you are lonely,

if you are desperate for the
touch of another human being,

please let me be of service!

- Oh my God, do it!

And you may wonder,
what can I do for you?

What can you do for me?

- Well, I'm so glad you asked.

♪ I'm gonna wrap this p*ssy
around every dick I can ♪

♪ Wrap this p*ssy around
every boy and man ♪

♪ I'm gonna wrap this p*ssy
around these United States ♪

♪ Keep my country warm ♪


Oh my God, that's the greatest
patriotic act I've ever heard!

I'm practically a Navy SEAL.


Here's to wrapping our
pussies around everything!

- (SIGHS) This is church.
- This is church.

- Yes! This is church!
- This is church!

- Church!

♪ ♪





♪ ♪





♪ ♪

♪ I close my eyes ♪

♪ Only for a moment,
and the moment's gone ♪

♪ All my dreams ♪

♪ Pass before my eyes, a curiosity ♪

♪ Dust in the wind ♪

♪ All they are is dust in the wind ♪

♪ Same old song ♪

♪ Just a drop of water
in an endless sea ♪

♪ All we do ♪

♪ Crumbles to the ground ♪

♪ Though we refuse to see... ♪
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