04x02 - Don't Get Eaten

[bunniefuu]

Eve. How did you find me?

- Arrgh!
- What is she like, Helene?

Why not just ask Villanelle?

MAN: Do you believe in God?

I have faith I'm not as shitty inside
as some people think I am.

- I'm trying to show you I've changed.
- Maybe I've changed.

- Have you thought of that?
- Just dunk me!

MAN: That's the funeral home
Rhian Bevan's body was taken to.

Do you know Helene?

Someone has been hunting down and
k*lling members of The Twelve.

That means they know a
damn sight more than we do.

Stop meddling.

You'll be arrested and put in prison
for a long, long, long time.

- Vlad.
- Hello, traitor.

(GASPS)

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, I didn't k*ll you.

Found her.

So, uh, what happens now?

I'll lead you to salvation.

(BIRDS TWITTER)

- _
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)

(MAN SCREAMS)

MAN: Tell us what you know!

(SCREAMS) I've nothing to say!

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

Does anyone here know...

- _
- ... if this man speaks the truth?

Come on, fess up!

- Shut up!
- Ah. Merci.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- (SPEAKS FRENCH)

... thank you for visiting
the Tower of London.

(PHONE RINGS)

We do hope you enjoy...

MAN ON PHONE: Have you got the tracker?

- EVE: Yes.
- Don't lose her.

SONG: ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Before it's too late... ♪

I guess I've never met a woman in
my life who really challenges me.

- But maybe you'll be different.
- (DING)

_

♪ Take a moment to reflect ♪

♪ On what you said ♪

♪ Take a moment to be
told how you feel ♪

- ♪ That's what I've done ♪
- ♪ For love, yeah ♪

- ♪ Made a big mess ♪
- ♪ But I love you ♪

♪ Stop, don't rush in ♪

♪ I'm gonna break into your heart... ♪

(LAUGHTER)

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Before it's too late. ♪

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(ENGINE HISSES)

_

(BIRDS TWITTER)

BARBARA: How much longer
are we going to be here?

MAN: I'm sure we'll be
moving soon, Barbara.

Okay, question number .

On what day did God create creatures

that swim in the sea and fly in the sky?

(WONDROUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Question number .

Who k*lled Sisera by stabbing
him in the head with a tent peg?

Hoo. Ouch!

Question number .

In John : , Jesus wept.

Why did he weep?

Clue: it's not because his
coach broke down on the M .

I have something I'd like to say.

Okay. Is it about the quiz or...

"There shall be more joy in Heaven
over one sinner that repents

than over righteous persons
that need no repentance."

Luke, chapter .

Thank you, Nelle.

Okay, can you please all pass
your sheets to the front?

Okay, so to avoid a repeat of last year,

I've decided to allocate you your tents.

So if you can please try and
stick to your own, Barbara.

- (DARK, UNEASY MUSIC)
- (MAY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Just leave it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DARK, UNEASY MUSIC CONTINUES)

He wants you gone.

He knows something happened
between you and the daughter.

He just doesn't know what.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean what am I doing here?

I'm here to guide you. Remember?

I'm your spiritual guru.

Uh, first piece of advice...

(SPITS)

... don't eat the weird camping food.

(CHUCKLES) Come.

You want to know why I
look and sound like you?

Don't deny it.

I can see into your brain.

Come. (PATS LEG)

Everyone experiences me differently.

I appear to some as an angel.

To some, as a voice in the clouds.

To some, as a burning bush.

But for you, I'm you in drag.

- Does that make sense?
- Yes.

You and I both know
how well you are doing.

Your goodness is really starting to pop.

You just need to convince him of it.

You can't let him stand in the
way of your transformation.

- He doesn't believe in me.
- Oh, he's just threatened by you.

Make things right with the daughter

and the vicar will follow.

Go on.

Go get 'em, tiger.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

Power.

Knock, knock.

And behold, the dove returned to Noah

with a freshly plucked
olive branch in her beak.

(OTHERS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

You have to use your imagination.

I need to finish unpacking.

Let me help you.

I know you're scared of me.

You tried to k*ll me.

- Yet you're still alive.
- So you admit it.

That's not the point.

The point is I... I...
I didn't k*ll you.

What does that matter?

You tried to drown me,

but it's fine because you
didn't finish the job?

- It matters, okay?
- I don't understand.

I'm a bad person
who's trying to be good.

You know when one person
thinks you're evil,

everyone else starts to think it.

And after a while, you start
to believe it yourself.

That's why it matters
that you're still alive.

It's working. I'm getting better.

And it's all thanks to being
around people like you.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

_

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

- (BEEP)
- (DOOR OPENS)

Uh...

Pack your bags, baby.

I'm taking you to Paris.

What is this?

I know we agreed this would
be a casual arrangement,

but I'm really starting to feel...

Whoa! What are you doing?

I told you before this even started,

no overnight stays, no presents,

- no mini breaks, no.
- I'm joking. Jesus!

So the data from the
tampon tracker came back.

Helene lives in Champ de Mars.

That's in Paris.

- What didn't you just say that?
- Hmm?

Give it.

You see?

(SIGHS)

Paris.

I'm thinking we spend a couple
of days doing reconnaissance,

we can stake out her house,
track her movements,

get a real sense of how
she operates on the ground.

Or I could just knock on the front door.

Or you could just knock
on the front door, yeah.

Why didn't I think of that?

You know, you really were
wasted behind that desk at MI .

Isn't it time for one
of your meal breaks?

How do you know she won't just k*ll you?

I mean, The Twelve, they've
probably got your mugshot

up on the wall, right?

"Axe m*rder*r, refuse entry."

Hey, I'm just trying to inject a
little know-how into your revenge.

Well, what if your know-how isn't
the only know-how worth knowing?

You know what you are?

You're like one of those people,
they adopt a lion cub

and they're like, "Oh, no!

We have a connection.
It would never hurt me,"

and then rips their stupid head off.

Wait. I'm not saying that
you're stupid, I'm just...

- Where are you going?
- For a second opinion.

Second opinion.

('DARE OR TRUTH' BY UNLOVED)

(LAUGHTER)

I want to show you something.

Won't your dad be angry?

Probably.

BARBARA: Oi!

(TENSE MUSIC)

Barbara. Okay.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You're going to k*ll me now?

No.

I'm going to save you.

There is something all coiled up in you

and it's stopping you from
being who you want to be.

There's only one way to uncoil it.

(SCREAMS)

You try now. Let yourself go!

- (SCREAMS)
- (GASPS)

You did it.

She's totally into you again.

What's the matter?

Aren't you pleased?

Oh, I'm really pleased.

Do you want to spin with me?

It's a little juvenile for me...
Are you kidding?

Of course I do.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(SAINT SAVIOUR SINGS) ♪ I remember
when we would hang about ♪

♪ in hollow trees... ♪

- (SCREAMS)
- (SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

♪ Walking past boarded-up
windows gets you down ♪

♪ sh*t town ♪

♪ Knew you couldn't breathe... ♪

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

This, um...

This is for meeting me last minute.

Thank you.

(LIQUID GLUGS)

Mmm.

I can't take alcohol into a secure unit.

So, what did you want to ask me?

I've got five minutes until my cannibal.

How do you get what
you want out of them?

You... you mean my patients?

Yeah, but the really dangerous ones.

- Not the one-hit wonders.
- Eve, what I want out of them

is to help them.

Oh. Please. Come on.

Okay, uh... generally, people only talk

if they think they're getting
something in return.

Work out what they want
and then give it to them,

or appear to give it to them.

So, if I know the person
wants to be challenged,

I should just go ahead
and challenge her?

Just knock on her door, so to speak?

A direct approach might work,
but I wouldn't recommend it.

If there's a problem,
I have a personal alarm

and... and two nurses

and a decade of experience
protecting me from them.

Well, maybe I'm more of a them
these days than I am a you.

Thanks for your help.

How is Villanelle?

Oh! You know, she's a Christian now.

Is that possible?

Human beings like to believe in change.

What do you think?

I think reinvention is
a form of avoidance.

(DARK MUSIC)

Don't get eaten.

(PANTS)

How's the midlife crisis going?

Swimmingly.

There will be a proper
debrief in due course.

But first, we require
a little cooperation.

- I'm sorry for this.
- Don't be.

If I were in your position,

I'd be hooking my nipples
up to electrodes.

I'd forgotten what an
awful flirt you are.

Shall we?

She visits a sex club in
Swindon once a month.

Very good.

She has a birthmark.

The shape of a donkey
on her left buttock.

Indeed, an ass on her ass.

Anything else?

She was also addicted to opiates.

And the last one.

This one is a self-serving egotist

who thinks solely with
his nether regions.

He's prime for a honey-trapping.

(OPENS BRIEFCASE)

That all you want from me?

For now.

In that case, I want a new passport,

access to whatever files I haven't seen

and an office that doesn't
smell of dysentery.

(LAUGHS)

We wouldn't even let
you into the building,

let alone give you an office.

Is that right?

You defected, Carolyn.

To help you smoke out The Twelve, Vlad,

like you've always wanted.

Like I've always wanted.

But now I want it slightly more

because one of them ordered
the death of my son.

I hear what you're saying, but...

Forgive me. People here don't like rats.

It's for your safety more than anything.

Once this new information comes good,

we'll set you up with all
the resources you need.

(Kn*fe SCRAPES)

May, a word.

Well, where have you two been?

Took Nelle to the clearing.

You missed Capture the Flag.

You've always loved that game.

Yeah, well, people change.

Well, can't you see that's
what I'm worried about?

I think he's really
warming to me. (SCOFFS)

He's such a hypocrite.

Doesn't want me to be around you,

but he's not so different himself.

Me and him? (SNIGGERS)

The same?

You think you've done
some bad stuff, but...

But what?

I shouldn't say.

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

It's not fair for you to
have to keep his secrets.

Jesus would want you to be honest.

He k*lled my mum.

Uh, say that again?

He tells everyone that
Mary d*ed in a car crash.

But he leaves out the
most important part.

He was the one who was driving.

He was the one who was drunk.

(SNIFFS) Please, you can't tell anyone.

Of course not.

(CRIES)

(LAUGHTER)

Am I h*tler?

OTHERS: Yes!

Who did this?

Oh, it's just a game, Nelle.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Okay. Okay.

Well, now it's my turn to write one.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

It's Bible-themed.
So you're going to love it!

- (OTHERS CHEER)
- Yes!

Yes, that's what we like.

Okay.

- Am I a man?
- OTHERS: No.

- No.
- Am I alive?

OTHERS: No.

Am I a contemporary Jesus?

- OTHERS: Yes.
- No.

No, actually.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Oh, did... did I say Bible-themed?

OTHERS: Yes.

I meant Phil-themed.

Phil-themed.

Yes.

Nelle, what are you doing?

No, it's okay, May.

It can be about me if
that's what Nelle wants.

At least she's taking part.

Uh, okay, Nelle, so, me-themed.

Is it someone I know?

No.

Am I my mother?

(OTHERS LAUGH)

No.

Am I our old cat?

Do you want a clue?

You were k*lled unlawfully.

I don't know anyone who
was k*lled unlawfully.

(WHISPERS) Oh, think a bit harder.

Do you give up?

(LAUGHS)

The answer is your dead wife

who you k*lled in a car crash
when you were drunk.

(UNEASY MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Better luck next time.

I'll get the sausages.

(PANTS)

That was not what we discussed.

Did you see his face? (LAUGHS)

(GASPS, THEN LAUGHS)

Don't ever do something without
running it past me again

or I'll smite you!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I can't be mad at you.

(LAUGHS)

You know, if you hadn't called
him out, I would've had to.

No, we can't have murderers as vicars.

Uh, you can't?

I didn't mean you.

- Oh.
- You're fine.

You're not pretending to be perfect.

Now, you've been naughty, sure.

But he has a really nasty streak.

You know I once took the
Devil out of a man in Gerasa?

Put him into a herd of pigs.

People loved it.

And guess what.

They're going to love you too.

You saved them from
the evil in their midst.

Don't worry, I'm back.

(SIGHS)

Huh? Uh, what's the matter?

Did someone get m*rder*d? (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Uh, you, Malala.

Unpack these.

You, get some more wood for the fire.

You, put some music on. Huh?

This is supposed to be fun.

(LAUGHS)

I knew you was bad inside.
I saw it from the beginning.

Oh, nobody cares what you
think, Barbara. (LAUGHS)

- MAN: I do.
- WOMAN: I do too.

Did you not see what happened?

I, uh... I cast out a demon.

He's not the demon.

- It's you who should go, missy.
- OTHERS: Yes.

Uh... wh... why... Why are
you defending the vicar?

He... he... he k*lled his wife

- and then he lied about it.
- Whatever he did, it's in the past.

It's the man he is today we care about.

- OTHERS: Yeah.
- Yes.

What about the woman I am now?

Do you know how many times I've won

Parishioner of the Week award?

- 'Cause you invented it.
- OTHERS: Yeah.

There's a saying in my family.

You can put a wig on sh*t,

but it still stinks of sh*t.

SONG: ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Go ahead and ask me... ♪

(RUSTLING AND CHATTER NEARBY)

- (GASPS)
- ♪ I don't care ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪
- You said they'd love me!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Go ahead and ask me ♪

♪ I'll tell you ♪

_

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got myself ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And nobody else ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ To blame ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm accountable ♪

♪ For myself ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know... ♪

A rat for a rat.

♪ I was wrong ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

How many toilet breaks do
you think you're gonna need?

A day?

Doing a rota for the stake-out.
How many toilet breaks?

- You're loving this, aren't you?
- Aren't you?

P.A. ANNOUNCER: The next train
to depart from platform three...

I might not come out of this.

I'm going to give you four,
in case of nervous poos.

(PSYCHEDELIC ROCK MUSIC)

When we get there, I wanna have steak.

Steak!

_

(MUSIC FADES)

(SOFT CHATTER)

I thought you wanted to eat steak.

I did.

- It's overdone.
- Okay, what is going on?

On the way here, you
were all dragon tattoo

and now you're what, you're Eeyore?

Can we just... (SIGHS) get the bill?

You are not going to die.

We are not even gonna go near her.

This is just a recce.

- I really know what I'm doing.
- Yusuf, please.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Have you taken the steak Kn*fe?

- What? No, of course not.
- Show me your bag.

- No. No...
- Show me it.

- I'll do it.
- No.

- No. Stop it. No.
- Eve. Eve, show me.

(OBJECTS CLINK AND RATTLE)

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

You wanna do it your way?

You wanna knock on that door,

without knowing what's
on the other side,

and you think that this
is gonna protect you?

- It has before.
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

Eve, you want to hunt down The Twelve,

you want to k*ll the top brass.

You want to die while doing it?
You have my support %.

But this way, you will die

before you even get close.

Gotta hold something
back for what's to come.

Let's get out of here.

- (SPEAKS FRENCH)
- Thanks, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

- I will get it.
- We will split it.

(CAROLYN AND VLAD LAUGH)

- I bet...
- It's worse for me.

(LAUGHS) It probably...

Now Myra thinks I'm
just a terrible cook.

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, yes, I forgot.
- Mmm.

I've brought you... a present.

A present.

What have I done to deserve this?

It had infiltrated my kitchen cupboard.

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN) _

_

_

A little light intimidation.

You know my people wouldn't be doing
their jobs correctly without it.

So, has my information proved useful?

Partially.

Please tell me how can someone
be partially blackmailed?

Well, the child with the floppy hair,

he has fallen hard for his honey trap.

What are you keeping from me, Vlad?

Don't try and outsmart me.

You haven't got the neurons.

Mmm.

The woman with the ass on her ass.

She was found dead about an hour ago.

She hanged herself.

Fortunately, her children weren't there.

Oh.

Well...

- These things happen.
- Mmm.

dr*gs ruin lives.

Mmm.

(SIGHS AND SNIFFS)

If the waiter comes, I'm
going to have the veal.

Excuse me just a moment.

(UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(PANTS)

(UNSETTLING MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Come to get this?

Actually I've come to cook you dinner.

But I'll take it.

(SOFT CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

What are we having?

Shepherd's pie.

Where are your knives?

Oh.

You want to know how I
knew it was a tracker?

I don't use applicator tampons.

Never understood women

who can't insert their own
fingers into themselves.

Oh! Arrgh! (SIGHS)

Ooh, let me see.

Mmm.

(GRUNTS)

- (THUD)
- Ahh!

I feel rude you cooking me dinner

when I hardly know anything about you.

Tell me about yourself.

I like holidays, dogs,
long walks on the beach.

And?

And I want to bring down The Twelve.

I want to cut the head off the monster.

That's wonderful.

I like all of those things too.

And guess what.

I also want to get the
head of the monster.

- Really?
- Amazing, isn't it,

when you find someone you
can really connect with.

It's so rare.

- But you're one of them.
- So...

So why would you want to destroy them?

Oh.

So this is what you're into.

Torturing your way through The Twelve.

Picking them off one by one.

I don't usually do the t*rture myself.

Oh.

This is a special treat.

Does it hurt?

Only if I let it.

(PANTS)

Ahhh. (INHALES SHARPLY)

Don't move.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

I've only got lobster tail.

You don't have to do this alone.

Who's at the top?

(WHISPERS) I'll tell you after dessert.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

Chloe, this is my new friend, Eve.

Eve is the best bedtime
storyteller in the world.

Would you like her to read you a story?

Yeah. Down.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

_

- Oh...
- She won't let you go

until you've done it.

She's got her mother's determination.

Oh, come on, don't ruin the moment.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

_

_

_

_

_

Who's at the top?

If you're so up for a challenge,
work it out yourself.

You're right.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) _

Hey. Hey.

What is it you want to do exactly?

I'll tell you after dessert sometime.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

SONG: ♪ Anyone who ever loved ♪

♪ Could look at me ♪

♪ And know that I... ♪

MAY: I didn't see what you saw.

- I saw something...
- ♪ Anyone who ever dreamed... ♪

- Something good.
- ♪ Could look at me... ♪

PHIL: Now?

Now I don't think anyone could love her.

♪ Love you... ♪

I think she's the Devil.

♪ Knowing I love you so ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart ♪

- ♪ Would take me in his arms... ♪
- Nelle! No! (CRIES OUT)

- ♪ And love me too... ♪
- (MAY SCREAMS)

- ♪ Who... ♪
- Help!

- ♪ Couldn't be another heart... ♪
- Help me!

- ♪ That hurt me... ♪
- Help me! No!

♪ Like you hurt me and be so untrue... ♪

- (MAY SCREAMS)
- ♪ Anyone who had a heart ♪

♪ Would love me too ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart would
simply take me in his arms ♪

♪ And always love me... ♪

- There, there. Ooh!
- ♪ Why won't you? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart
would love me too ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart
would simply take me... ♪

Come on.

Don't hate yourself.

You were the perfect little lamb.

A shepherd like me couldn't have...

(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

Very good.

(LAUGHS)

You really got me.

No-one else could have done it.

(WHISPERS) I thought I could do it.

Oh, baby.

You didn't stand a chance.

Hmm.

(SCREAMS)

Ahh! (LAUGHS)

(PANTS)

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Ahh!

(GROANS AND CHOKES)

Ahh! (PANTS)

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, don't stop now.

Huh? Come on!

- Finish the job! (STAMPS FEET)
- (TENT ZIPPER BUZZES)

Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

(TENT ZIPPER ZINGS)

(SIGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ I make light of the darkness ♪

♪ When the heat is on ♪

♪ Take a walk late at night ♪

♪ Silently till dawn ♪

♪ I won't run for buses ♪

♪ It's okay... ♪

CAROLYN: Three suspected members

of The Twelve m*rder*d so far,

all of them by sadistic t*rture.

Interesting. Keep digging.

Helene is as clueless as we are.

She is torturing each member
to get to the next.

- _
- I k*lled two people last night

after I tried really hard not to.

Salud. Women are so much worse than men.

- No-one told me.
- We'll have a bottle.

HELENE: Is there anything
you'd like to tell me?

Things are difficult.

You scare off the customers.

I feel like sh*t.

(HALF-LAUGHS) All of the time.

Chubby bangers!

Special treat for Mr. Big Boss.

VILLANELLE: Hi.

- I need help.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

I've barely had a chance
to wash my bits.

- Villanelle's in my room.
- What?

I think she's k*lled again.