♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
SOPHIE: Previously on
How I Met Your Father...
Send your absolute best photo,
and I'll consider squeezing you
into our New Voices show.
I got to take the perfect sh*t.
- When you're a struggling artist,
you only get so many chances
to prove yourself.
So, when a big one presents itself,
you can't help but wonder,
"Am I good enough?"
I'm not good enough!
All of these photos are terrible!
Alright, calm down.
Hey! Don't tell a woman to calm down!
We hate that!
It's almost as bad
as telling us that we look tired.
You think that we don't
know that we're tired?!
We're the ones inside of our bodies!
[sighs] Do you guys think
any of these are good?
I love this one of a blurry tampon.
You know, what a powerful statement
about how we need
to focus on women's issues.
That's a photo I accidentally
took inside my purse.
Or... is it art?
Woo! 'Sup, fam?
Guess who's finally recording new music
as a solo artist?
Did Jungkook leave BTS and go solo?
Mm, we all saw it coming!
No! It's me!
I finally laid down some
new tracks without Meredith.
- [cheering]
- Thank you!
[half-hearted] Yeah,
that's also exciting.
Hell yeah, it is!
Jesse, I am so proud of you, man.
- Can I kiss your forehead? Mwah!
- You better.
Ugh! I'm glad you're so psyched for me
because I did max out all
my credit cards on studio time,
and I'm going to be late
on rent this month, but...
do you need any more back rub coupons?
No, Jesse, I got plenty
of back rub coupons, man!
I feel you, Jesse.
I have drained my entire
bank account on rolls of film.
But, you know what?
That's just the life
of a struggling artist, right?
Like, pour everything into our work,
live on the cheap...
Here!
- Have some free fruit salad.
- Ooh! Don't mind if I do.
That is not fruit salad!
- These are my cocktail garnishes!
- And they're delicious.
Oh hey, can I interest you
in little, uh, BYOB?
It's one of my struggling
artist life hacks.
- Hell yes.
- Oh, can I get one of those?
Yeah, of course.
And I wonder
why this bar isn't profitable!
[laughter]
I got to go home and change
and sh**t as many rolls as possible
before Drew's big school
fund-raiser tonight.
Wasn't that so nice of him
to invite you guys to that?
He said it's like the Oscars
of public education.
[overlapping excited chatter]
Bye!
We're not actually excited
about this, right?
[overlapping agreement]
SID: Well, well, well.
Look at you.
If it isn't the most manly man
at the Jefferson Elementary
charity auction.
- [knocking]
- [yelps]
Hi, Sid.
What are you doing here, Meredith?
Shouldn't you be out rejecting
the proposal of a young lover,
and then fleeing to Europe with his cat?
Okay.
Of course, I could have handled things
better with Jesse, but...
you know, there's no instruction manual
for being blindsided
with a public proposal.
Wait...
[beep]
♪ There's no instruction manual
for a broken heart... ♪
What are you doing right now?
I'm working on a new album,
so I try to record stuff
whenever inspiration strikes.
Wow.
What are you doing
different to your skin?
Well, actually, yeah,
I've been using
this new alpha hydroxy mask.
It's like...
No! No. This is what you do.
You charm people, you suck 'em in,
and then you stomp
their hearts to a pulp.
Okay, look, I need to talk to Jesse,
alright? And I don't
have his new number.
- Is he here?
- Nope. He's on a date.
With Dua Lipa.
Jesse is dating pop superstar Dua Lipa.
Correct.
They met at a Shake Shack,
ended up splitting a burger...
Dua Lipa is a vegan!
- Forget it. I'll just come back...
- No!
No, no, no. Do not come back later.
Jesse's gonna be home soon.
I got to go to work,
so why don't you just... wait here?
Okay...
What's your Wi-Fi password?
It's "Meredith sucks."
All one word, "sucks" is in caps.
Ellen? Meet me at Pemberton's.
We have a code M.
♪
Valentina, let's go over
tomorrow's looks.
- Michelle Williams' dress?
- Steamed and ready to go.
- Harry Styles' dress?
- Steamed and ready to go.
Tilda Swinton's armor?
- Polished and ready to go.
- And where are
J.Lo's nipple concealers?
Right here, Fred.
[sighs]
These are black. Her dress is sheer!
Do you want J.Lo's nips
to be staring out at the world
like a coked-out ow?
Sorry. Nobody told me.
I think we have some nude ones.
You are an incredibly
dumb person, Valentina.
Fred, you cannot talk to me like that.
Oh, honey, I'm not talking
to you. Mm-mmm.
I'm talking to my doll Valentina.
We both know that doll
is just a weird workaround
so you can verbally abuse me
without a lawsuit.
No, it's not. [laughs]
You stupid, stupid, worthless idiot.
Oh, sometimes,
I have fantasies about
taking you to a Knicks game
and waiting for the kiss cam to come
around and land on us, and then...
f*ring you in front of the whole world!
Fred, that was clearly directed to me.
Was not. I was talking to the doll,
and you can't prove otherwise. Bye!
At least you got an actual doll.
Hey, bunny. Think we'll have time
to grab a proper dinner
before this Drew nightmare.
Apparently, they're serving
pasta made by schoolchildren,
and I am not trying to get head lice
from a plate of ravioli.
One sec. I just need to...
swipe something
from our accessories closet.
What do you mean, swipe?
I promised Drew I would donate
something to the auction tonight.
I was just going to grab
a random blouse or something,
but, lucky for Drew's school...
my boss really pissed me off today.
Valentina, that is a beige lambskin
quilted medium Chanel flap.
It's worth thousands!
Men can be bag hags, too.
You're gonna steal that?
Not steal it.
Swipe it.
That's just an adorable way
of saying steal!
Chill!
Nobody will ever find out.
Fred never checks that closet.
Hey, stop looking at me like that,
you judgmental little bitch!
Fine. Do whatever you want.
Just don't talk to me that way.
Oh, sorry!
Oh, I was talking to the doll.
Now, I know what tonight's
nightmare will be about.
♪
- Hey, you.
- DREW [on phone]: Hi.
I'm really excited for you to meet
all my work peeps tonight.
I told them all about you.
- Oh!
- DREW: Anyhoo,
uh, any luck getting
your perfect picture?
Not yet.
I almost got one of a cat and raccoon
being interspecies friends.
But, then it turned
out the cat was dead,
and the raccoon was eating it.
Oh, ew.
Anyway, I-I really admire your hustle.
Thanks. Oh my god.
I think this adorable old couple
is about to kiss over a steam vent.
I-I got to go.
♪
Whoa! Ah! [thud]
Ow...
[groaning, panting]
Oh thank God, nothing's broken.
[sighs]
[screams]
Oh...
Jesse! Hey.
You don't happen to have
a cheap dentist, do you?
[sighs] Thank God.
Yes. If he gives me a free
toothbrush, you can have it.
♪
What took you so long?!
Does code M mean nothing to you?
Literally nothing! But it better be bad
because I was in the middle of doing
that alpha hydroxy mask you gave me,
and now, I'm only half hydroxy!
- I got to go even out.
- Okay, no.
Meredith is at my apartment right now,
and she needs to talk to Jesse.
[gasps]
Do you think she's pregnant?
Did she look pregnant?
Actually, yes. She was glowing brighter
than the left side of your face.
[both gasp]
- Is Jesse going home before the gala?
- No.
So, Meredith's in your apartment
waiting for no one.
- Correct.
- Very good, very good.
Then, that buys us some time.
But what's our endgame?
Well, we don't have one.
There is no end to our game.
That is a really tight rap lyric!
♪ There's no end to our game,
no borders on the frame ♪
♪ Hydroxy on our faces,
so our pores are down the drain ♪
- My god, Ellen, our rhymes are lit!
- Woo-hoo!
Meredith's not the only one
who can impromptu songwrite.
- MEREDITH: Yeah, not bad.
- [both yell]
Jesse's still not back,
and I really need to...
Wait...
[laughs] You must be Jesse's sister.
He used to tell me so many stories about
how close you guys were.
What is that character you used
to do whenever you drank water?
- He told you about Barbara Waters?
- Yes!
[as Barbara Walters]: Today on The View,
I will be interviewing
a delicious glass of ice water!
Oh, that is such a good impression!
You should audition for SNL.
Oh, stop. I mean,
it has crossed my mind...
Ellen, you're getting sucked in.
[buzz] Oh.
Jesse just texted me.
He's back at the apartment.
Come on, we'll walk you back.
Fine.
- [whispers]: What are we doing?
- I don't know!
- Thanks again for driving me here.
- Yeah, no problem.
I'm just looking forward
to that new toothbrush.
I just want to get in,
get out, and get to Drew.
Yikes. This place is worse than
my waxer the day before Valentine's.
I told Drew I was
gonna be right on time.
Uh yeah, that might be tough.
Dr. Hoffman's super popular
because he's so affordable.
The only way to get cheaper dental care
is to date a dentist.
But then you gotta date a dentist.
[clears throat]
Okay...
Whether the weather be fine,
or whether the weather be not,
we'll weather the weather,
whatever the weather,
whether we like it or not.
Move over, she's spitting all over me.
[clears throat]
Sorry! Just warming up my cords.
There's an open call for Wicked later,
and I have a really good
feeling about this one.
But my gums randomly bleed,
so here I am.
We're not like these people, right?
What? No, of course not.
Oh, I see.
Well, thanks for reading it.
Any particular reason
it wasn't for you or...
Hello? Hello?
There goes another six years of my life.
Hey. [clears throat] Sir?
- You okay?
- I'll be fine. [weak laugh]
I just really thought this novel
was finally going to be my big break.
Hey, do you know if Dr. H
still gives out free toothbrushes?
Mm-hmm.
So, uh, like,
are you new to the whole writer thing?
Like, it's a calling
you found later in life?
No. Started right out of college.
I finished my first manuscript
the day Reagan was elected,
and I remember promising myself,
"I'm going to be a published author
before that man leaves the White House!"
- Ha, ha.
- And then I made
the same promise to myself
when Bush was elected.
- Then Clinton. Then Clinton again.
- Yeah... Yeah...
Then other Bush twice.
Oh, please stop saying presidents!
Now, I know you think I'm exaggerating,
but Dr. Hoffman was
the oldest dentist I'd ever seen.
Which one of you is Sofa?
It's Sophie.
Sofa is furniture.
A bit louder, sweetheart.
- Sophie!
- Sophie!
Sophie! [laughs]
That's my great-granddaughter's name.
Come in the back. I'll
give you a haircut.
Oh, I'm sorry. [laughs]
Come on, I'll look at your teeth.
♪
Here. The bartender said, "Say when,"
- and I just stayed silent.
- I'm gonna need a lot more
than a Big Gulp of sh*t chardonnay
to get me through the night.
I'm an accessory
to grand theft Chanel.
Dude, I swear no one will notice
the purse is gone.
[text chimes]
My boss has noticed
the purse is missing.
Oh my god, this night
can't get any worse.
[spits]
Did the kids make the wine as well?
Honestly, my tooth
looks better than ever.
Totally.
You look like you could be
in a Colgate commercial,
whereas an hour ago, you looked like
you could be in an anti-meth commercial.
Honestly, I was starting to question
all my life choices back there.
We are nothing like those losers
in the waiting room.
[engine rattling, tires screech]
Ow! Oh!
- What happened?
- I don't know. The car just stopped.
Ow... Is my nose bleeding?
No, but you did break your tooth again.
Huh? Ah!
♪
I can't stop thinking about what
will happen if we go down for this.
I'll wind up in prison,
carving soap figurines
and training crows to deliver cigarettes
to someone named Big Papa.
We're not going to prison. I'm just
gonna take back the purse before the...
[on microphone]: Who's
ready for an auction?
... auction starts.
Alright. Let's get started with
this gorgeous Chanel purse.
The bidding will start at $ .
[clears throat]
[auctioneer voice]: ,
, do I hear ...
I gotta bid on it to win it back,
so here goes.
$ , !
And I'm out.
[coughing]
My mechanic said I needed
to replace my master cylinder,
.but I thought I had a few months.
I found my tooth!
Why would you eat my tooth?!
That was a Tic Tac.
No, that's a pill. [spits]
Damn it!
What if we are not
struggling artists
on the verge of our big breaks?
What if we are going to wind up like
those sad people in the waiting room,
using old presidents
to track how long we've been failures
because I've been taking photos
since Obama...
- Wah, I'm already doing it!
- Okay, okay, Sophie, stop it.
Alright, I've seen your photos.
They're fantastic.
You've got a half dozen sh*ts
you could send in right now to impress
that hoity-toity gallery woman.
And even if for some reason
she doesn't like them,
somebody else will.
How do you know?
Because the way you see
the world is-is incredible!
You're like this insane little
ball of joy and hope and optimism.
I mean, even today.
Y-you were eating cocktail garnishes
and acting like it was a lobster dinner.
That's why I love being around you,
and it's how I know the world
is going to love your photos.
'Cause you're amazing.
♪
Oh...
Um...
Thank you.
No problem. [clears throat]
FUTURE SOPHIE: And
that's when it happened.
My perfect sh*t.
Jesse, don't move.
Why? Is there a bee on me?
I lost my EpiPen.
I couldn't afford a new one.
Oh my god, this is
it. This is how I die.
[laughs] No bee. You're my sh*t.
- Oh. Okay.
- Just keep working on the car.
Do you want me to do that cool pose
where I look up at the sky?
Nobody wants that.
Okay. [clears throat]
Jesse?
Jesse!
[forced]: That is so weird.
He must have just left.
Jesus. I haven't seen acting this bad
since my nana's nursing home
put on a production of Dear Evan Hansen.
Okay, look.
If you guys really don't
think I should see Jesse,
then I guess I can tell you what's up
and you can pass it on.
Oh my god. Can we... Can we handle this?
Have you met us? Of course not!
We couldn't even handle
the Impossible Burger
because it was too real.
Okay, in our defense,
what kind of vegetarian meat bleeds?
I wrote a new album, and I got
signed to a pretty major label.
And the first single's
coming out this week.
This morning, I taped a segment
on The Drew Barrymore Show, and...
she called it "a certified
Barrymore banger,"
and then a bunch of donuts
fell from the ceiling.
I really do not understand that show.
Drew is daytime's new darling.
Get on board.
The single drops tomorrow,
and it's very obviously
about me and Jesse,
and I think the combo of me
having a big song
and it being about
our relationship could be,
you know, a lot for him.
But yeah, m-maybe it's best
coming from you guys.
Anyway, I'm staying at the Bowery,
if he wants to talk.
♪ Staying at the Bowery,
wanna say I'm sorry ♪
I can't believe I was your perfect sh*t.
I guess my middle school
art teacher Miss Duncan was right.
I do have the body of a model.
That is a very
disturbing story from your past.
[scoffs]
Um...
All that stuff you said earlier...
Thank you.
♪ Soft music ♪
There you are.
Hey!
[laugh, kiss]
I'm sorry I'm late,
and that I look like this.
I'm hoping that the-the chipped
tooth adds more character?
Like maybe I've got
a real juicy origin story.
Mm. You know,
the chipped tooth's kind of charming.
The, um, the bird sh*t on your shoulder
leaves something to be desired.
Oh! Oh god. I...
It was a long walk here.
- It's all good.
- JESSE: Hm.
You missed the superintendent
but, um, glad you're here now.
You know, Jesse,
that full-time music teacher job
we talked about comes
with full dental...
Uh, I-I'm good, Drew. Thanks, though.
Well, okay. I'm going
to let you two hang.
[clears throat]
- You offered him a full-time job?
- Yep.
You know, I get that Jesse wants
time to work on his own music.
I just... I don't know,
wish he'd stop chasing
a pipe dream, you know?
Wait...
Do you think that me making it
as a photographer
is also a pipe dream?
Maybe... maybe we can
talk about this later?
Actually, I-I'd kinda like
to hear your answer right now.
Look, I-I think photography
is your passion,
and that's awesome.
But I also think there
comes a time in life
when you should get a stable job,
so you can plan for your future.
Or afford a dentist.
Got it.
I gotta go say hi to
those teachers. Um...
We'll keep talking later, okay?
[quiet chatter]
Well, it's official.
Fred's going to fire me.
I've worked for that horrible man
for five excruciating years,
and I put up with him
because I told myself
that it was a stepping stone
to something great, but now...
it's all for nothing.
He knows everyone in this industry,
and he will make sure
that I'm known as the girl
who stole the beige lambskin
quilted medium Chanel flap.
- [sighs]
- No, he won't.
Because I am swiping it back.
- But you hate stealing.
- I know.
But I love you more.
So just promise you'll wait for me
if I get thrown in the pokey for this.
Mm... [kiss]
This is so romantic!
But I cannot, in good conscience,
commit to waiting for you.
[sighs]
♪ soft music ♪
[quiet chatter]
[clicks tongue]
[mouthing]
[clattering]
- [shocked chatter]
- Well...
a lovely evening. Thank you very much.
Valentina, run!
♪
Maybe we give him worse news
before Meredith's news,
so it doesn't seem so bad.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
We can tell him he
has testicular cancer.
How on earth would
we know that before him?
- Oh, I love you, Bonnie.
- I love you more, Clyde!
Don't mind them. They're in
the middle of some very intense
outlaw-themed role-play.
Where were you guys tonight?
- Something came up.
- Oh.
Everything okay?
[phone beeping]
[sighs] Sorry,
it's the tow truck company.
My car broke down on the side of the
road. It's gonna cost me a fortune.
Something tells me they're not gonna
take back rub coupons. Be right back.
- Maybe we can just tell him tomorrow.
- Yes.
Tomorrow is a perfect day
for you to tell him.
FUTURE SOPHIE: Am I good
enough to make it as an artist?
That's the question I asked myself
a thousand times a day back then.
Except when I was
around a certain someone.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why aren't you with Drew?
We had a fight.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Drew doesn't believe in what
I'm doing with my life,
thinks it's time for me
to grow up and get a real job...
[sighs]
I guess the way he sees me is...
pretty different than
the way you see me.
♪ BRIGHTSIDE by The Lumineers ♪
Well, maybe he's not the guy for you.
♪ Waves on a ceiling ♪
♪ I'll be your brightside ♪
♪ Baby, tonight ♪